purity balls

America’s Teen-Aged Girls All Became STD-Ridden Baby Mamas Because of George W. Bush

'Your girlfriend's a notorious whore.'You know what else went to Hell during eight long years of George W. Bush? The nation’s teen-aged girl children! Perhaps influenced by the ghetto trash Bush Twins, America’s gals reversed a decade of progress in the reduction of sex diseases and teen pregnancy. Oh, just kidding about Jenna and Barbara — this was actually the direct result of Bush Administration anti-sex-education policy.

The Guardian reports:

In a report that will surprise few of Bush’s critics on the issue, the Centers for Disease Control says years of falling rates of teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease infections under previous administrations were reversed or stalled in the Bush years. According to the CDC, birth rates among teenagers aged 15 or older had been in decline since 1991 but are up sharply in more than half of American states since 2005. The study also revealed that the number of teenage females with syphilis has risen by nearly half after a significant decrease while a two-decade fall in the gonorrhea infection rate is being reversed. The number of AIDS cases in adolescent boys has nearly doubled.

Oh and guess where the increases in teen pregnancy, syphilis and AIDS were biggest? In the South! Jesus really doesn’t fucking care a bit, does He?

So, congratulations once again to America, and to George W. Bush, and especially to Abstinence Training. Here is a clue about all that nonsense: Today’s hormone-charged boy has an easy way to know which girls will do anal on first hook-up: the ones wearing the Purity Rings.

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Teen pregnancy and disease rates rose sharply during Bush years, agency finds [The Guardian]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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129 comments

  1. mattbolt

    This silly “pregnancy” problem will be a thing of the past once Obama implements Project Purple and turns us all gay

  2. V572625694

    Shouldn’t “abstinence training” just be lessons on how to give good blowjobs? That would solve all my problems, anyway.

  3. CollegeStudent

    It was great to be a boy in high school and college during the Bush Years. Also

  4. Doglessliberal

    [re=366218]V572625694[/re]: um, excuse me, how about lessons on how to give oral sex to men AND woman, pal?

  5. hobospacejunkie

    Syphilis? AIDS? Holy shit. When I was a teenager I was happy to get a sympathy kiss on ’50s day. So many crimes, W. It’s almost enough to make me believe in the Lizard People, under the command of Queen Elizabeth, or Lyndon LaRouche. God is great, you syphilitic motherfuckers.

  6. bureaucrap

    Is there anything — ANYTHING — that gwb didn’t screw up? I’m not asking rhetorically.

  7. mrsixinch

    Yeah well, leave it to the Guardian to run another “Dump on the Yanks” article…even if our slutty teen daughters and horny adolescent sons are Doin’ It every which way. And I’m not surprised the numbers are up in the South. That’s why they are all so Jesus-freaky down there, ’cause they need the forgivin’.

    That link to Urban Dictionary, though…nice work on definition six.

  8. V572625694

    [re=366221]4tehlulz[/re]: And cuddling. Cuddling is good, while listening to Air Supply.

    …Uh….actually not. Lemme have that blowjob instead. Or turn over and we’ll do it Foley Style.

  9. nappyduggs

    Ever wonder why you have to “teach” people abstinence?

    Cause the shit ain’t natural, is why.

    And syphilis, for fuck’s sake? Who the fuck gets the syphilis? These are not dock whores from the 1800s! Now we know the Repubes have a G-d complex because those poor kids will definitely be re-made in the image of G-Dubbs, what with the drooling and self-soiling, and all.

  10. V572625694

    [re=366225]Doglessliberal[/re]: Absolutely!

    Honestly, when you think of all the things the Bush “Administration” left undone, it’s horrifying. I’ll take my first lesson w/Jenna, please.

  11. Doglessliberal

    [re=366227]bureaucrap[/re]: I, seriously, have asked myself that question and cannot think of anything. Is there something his policies did not affect at all, even indirectly? If so, then that is your answer. But I don’t think there is anything, because everything is affected by the economy and environment. So he has screwed up everything.

  12. mrsixinch

    [re=366218]V572625694[/re]: [re=366221]4tehlulz[/re]: [re=366225]Doglessliberal[/re]: Google Nina Hartley. But not at work. Srsly.

  13. norbizness

    Well, the little sperm receptacles didn’t pray hard enough or in a sincere enough manner after sex for protection from the Holy Spigot.

  14. NoWireHangers

    Kids will be horny idiots, but when you have Bible thumping adults who should know better encouraging the idiocy, it makes me want to beat people upside the head with a box of Trojans.

  15. bitchincamaro

    Ken, I beg to difffer. I believe studies have shown that STD’s (Sensual Tobacco Devices) became popular due to Bubba’s introduction of them in the Oval Office.

  16. NoWireHangers

    Getting down on your knees to fight off sexual urges only works if there’s a dick in your mouth.

  17. Doglessliberal

    [re=366232]nappyduggs[/re]: And since the infrastructure is crumbling because W and the Repubs wanted to spend money on their friends’ military supply corporations and not sewer systems, and because the rise of abandoned property leads to increase in rat and other vermin population, I bet we can look forward to a return of plague and cholera soon. Hooray for lack of public sewer systems and tainted water supply!

  18. Doglessliberal

    [re=366235]V572625694[/re]: you KNOW she laughed out loud at Daddy’s abstinence programs.

  19. Monsieur Grumpe

    I had lunch with Jesus today and you are right; he doesn’t care. He also never picks up the tab. Cheap bastard.

  20. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=366231]V572625694[/re]: Air Supply? Hahahahaha! They’re better than Mother Nature’s Monthly Present in terms of dick deflating.

  21. finallyhappy

    I just read the article in the WAPO about Episcopalians deciding if their congregations have to leave the church because of the gay. One pastor says God first spoke to him at 15- I’m thinking -do you really want a pastor(or whatever they call themselves) who hears voices- we call that crazy where I come from. And heis quoted as saying he believes the word of the Bible and it says the gay is wrong. Well, I read the BIBLE, too(frequently in the original- I do not mean Latin) and it says the lobster and the crab and the shrimp is wrong, and the cheeseburger(not necessarily the Chicken kiev although my people believe that) and mixing two different fibers in your clothing and working on the Sabbath are all wrong. Are these morons leaving the Episcopalian church because people had a shrimp boil or a crab feast, have they checked the clothing their so holy not gay Bishops are wearing? Excuse me while I get pissed off!

  22. JMP

    [re=366227]bureaucrap[/re]: Well, he didn’t screw up Social Security. He tried as hard as he could to screw it up, but failed.

  23. Bearbloke

    [re=366240]mrsixinch[/re]: Yikes! In the photo of her nude standing upright, her snatch looks like a blown-out truck tyre!

  24. One Yield Regular

    Well, never fear. Bristol Palin’s campaign to educate her peers will *certainly* reverse this trend.

    But seriously – a *doubling* in the number of AIDS cases among adolescent boys??? Somebody should be in prison for letting that happen.

  25. hobospacejunkie

    [re=366242]NoWireHangers[/re]: Beat them upside the head with a box of hammers, please. Better brain splatter.

  26. rocktonsammy

    I’ll bet Laura’s abstinence program of you ain’t getting none Jr.,worked on Jr. so he fucked the rest of the country up, again.

  27. AngryAtheist

    More STDs in the red states resulting from Bush’s “failed” policies is not only irony…

    It’s natural selection at work.

    Win.

  28. ManchuCandidate

    It was all part of the W economic stimulus.

    1) Stupid “just say no” sex talk
    2) Sex without condoms or BC
    3)?????
    4) Win for pharmaceuticals, lifetime use of Valtrex. Win for Baby Daddies ‘R us, for baby clothes. Etc.

  29. mrsixinch

    [re=366255]Doglessliberal[/re]: Don’t let that cover fool ya, the production values of the *cough cough* one’s I’ve seen are total SFV porn quality. But the enthusiasm is palpable!

  30. freakishlystrong

    [re=366259]rev_matt_y[/re]: It’s all in the projection….(protection), ahhhgg Monday…

  31. Walter Sobchak

    When you share the article on facebook, the headline is: “US teen pregnancy and syphilis rates rose sharply under George Bush.”

    That’s a whole other joke, right there.

  32. Extemporanus

    [re=366265]One Yield Regular[/re]: The doubling happened in prison as a direct result of Bush’s order that rape be added to the “Scared Straight” program.

  33. mrsixinch

    [re=366257]finallyhappy[/re]: The conservative Episcopalians are definitely heading out the door, but the liberals get to keep the churches. Hah! Some of the dioceses leaving never even got around to admitting female clergy. Geez. Meanwhile, gay Catholics leave their churches and join the Episcopal Church ’cause the ceremonies are “catholic-light” with all the vestments and candles and processionals and whatnot. To quote Robin Williams, “The Episcopal Church–all the cermony, none of the guilt.”

  34. stew

    Where are these chicks that hook up for anal sex? Are there certain cities I should be concentrating on?

  35. bago

    [re=366285]V572625694[/re]: Nah. It’s great coffee table material though. Always starts a conversation.

  36. Chickensmack

    From the article, quoting someone named Kristi Hamrick:

    It seems very bizarre that the sex education establishment rejects the idea that we should talk to kids about what is best for them. We don’t take vodka to drivers education because children will drink and drive.

    Cart before horse. It’s a lot easier if the parent can coolly say, “You don’t like your stepdad? Well neither do I. You’re sleeping in his closet because I put out WAY too soon.”

  37. jetjaguar

    HAHA

    So what should we call the generation that was spawned between 2001 and 2009? “Bush Boomers?” “The FAIL-est generation?” “BK-Babies?” (BK for Burger King, as in “conceived in the stall of a Burger King”). They must be named.

  38. GreatOldOnesParty

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginity_pledge
    I think this may be a false observation.
    It says that teens who take the pledge are less likely than non-pledgers to use contraception if and when they do have teh buttseks.
    I don’t think it’s the pledge itself and the programs around it that are the problems; I think it’s just that people who take virginity pledges are MORANS who wouldn’t even use protection if they didn’t take the pledge.

    [re=366290]bago[/re]: Better coffee table book is “XXX: 30 Porn-Star Portraits”. It’s quite tasteful and better than any Leibowitz or Ansel Adams photo book.

  39. Bearbloke

    [re=366294]jetjaguar[/re]: I vote for “Bush Babies” – it’s so much nicer than “Tards”…

  40. bitchincamaro

    [re=366288]stew[/re]: I’d start in Hershey, PA. Grand Junction, CO is also a sure bet.

  41. mrsixinch

    [re=366295]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: I’ve got that too! I love it because the contrast of clothed v. unclothed, and how some of the performers seem more comfortable undressed. I’ve long held that a lot of adult performers do it because they are basically exhibitionists. Another plus with “XXX”: the reaction you get when some women flipping through it see the guys.

  42. FMA

    [re=366300]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Then where did Rush Limbaugh come from?
    Or Glenn Beck?
    Or the Fox & Friends crew?

  43. Tommmcatt

    [re=366300]Buzz Feedback[/re]:

    You’ve obviously never had the chili at the Saddle Ranch in Los Angeles.

  44. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=366227]bureaucrap[/re]: Actually, I believe that the decline in market value of goods made from alpaca hair, while corresponding time-wise to the Bush administration, was not directly related to the administration’s policies per se. People just sort of realized that alpaca hair products suck.

  45. Mike Steele

    [re=366223]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I know I have said this before, but that was the best post ever.

  46. WadISay

    Disagree if you will with him, but Bush’s efforts to turn the US into a third-world bannana republic shithole were certainly big and visionary.

  47. bago

    [re=366308]S.Luggo[/re]: I grew up in Alaska. The Fundie is strong up there. Mostly southern trucker transplants. In other words, no problem with meth and whores, just as long as there’s a preacher involved.

  48. paintitblack

    [re=366291]Chickensmack[/re]: My christianist family rants about Planned Parenthood bc it “teachs teens to have sex.” Srsly. Stats show that “Just Say No,” and these idiotic “abstinance” progams don’t work at all, and now we see that the kids are also getting STDs, not just preggers. Don’t get me started on hypocritical GOP politicans who screw around.

    Shame that the dumbfuck gene pool is increasing, but perhaps that’s the devious GOP plan? All the dumbfucks do seem to vote conservative. So: the more the merrier?

  49. liquiddaddy

    When I think of young women having sex with young men, all hot and sweaty, GROPING AND POKING furtively in the back seat of cars, dripping with dew, IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!

  50. ExecutorElassus

    godammit! After that article over on Slate about animals masturbating (http://www.slate.com/id/2223013/), and now THIS, it’s clear that Nobama has ruined America. His librul atheism clearly led all those teenagers to abandon God, and get knocked up and ridden with STDs in anticipation of his communist healthcare.

    You can go see a walrus fellating himself there, also.

  51. Buzz Feedback

    [re=366304]Bearbloke[/re]: My great grandfather was mayor of Butte in the 40s. No shit.

  52. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=366312]CorkPopper[/re]: The look on that girl’s face in the first photo, and pics 6 and 9 are chock full of lolicon sliminess.

  53. Jukesgrrl

    [re=366312]CorkPopper[/re]: I wouldn’t say purity balls had an “honor killing-y vibe.” It’s more a you-can’t-touch-that-because-I-already-have-my-hands-all-over-it vibe.

  54. Snarkalicious

    [re=366217]mattbolt[/re]: In stage two, this will eliminate racial issues as well, you see, when we are all assigned halfrican test-tube babies to raise.

    [re=366300]Buzz Feedback[/re]: You have identified stage three.

    I for one welcome our homosexual toddler Tiger Woods clone overlords.

  55. Buzz Feedback

    [re=366337]Bearbloke[/re]: No. He was from Cork. The Rections are from Limerick.

  56. imissopus

    I have noticed that all those genital herpes commercials have disappeared from the teevee since Obama’s inauguration. Which means some ad agency people lost their jobs and some production company lost some business. And it’s Obama’s fault. Damn you, socialist terrorist president!!1!

  57. Prommie

    [re=366325]ExecutorElassus[/re]: The walrus blowing himself is truly the greatest, by a wide margin, bit of filmed spontaneous zoo porn ever in the history of the universe. If I were there at Marineworld, or wherever the fuck, and that walrus started sucking his own dick, right there in front of the crowding fat fucktard christianist tourists and their fat fucktard spawn, I would have died, I would have simply died from delight.

  58. ManchuCandidate

    [re=366349]Prommie[/re]:
    I saw a pair of Orangutans doing it front of olds and kids at the SD zoo. I ran out of the enclosure laughing. Not because the animals were doing it, but the hilarity was caused by the parents and olds trying to deny what was happening right in front of them.

  59. jodyleek

    [re=366312]CorkPopper[/re]: From the article you cited:
    “In a ballroom after dinner, bare but for a seven-foot wooden cross at one end…”

    Jeebus, was it a purity ball or a Klan rally?

    And, from the pics, it looks like purity balls are only necessary for the pretty girls.

    ‘Purity Balls’ – frightening ceremony approximating chastity belt or genital antiseptic?

  60. DagNabbit

    [re=366356]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hhaha, I mean they were old right! If you’re an old old man and some great ape is cold taggin it in front of your daughter’s kids, whada goin do? “Knock the bottom out of it old chap! Get that orange poon right!”

    “One time on a night patrol in a small Korean town, I came across two slants goin at it. Nothing I ain’t seen here kids”

  61. riverside68

    [re=366349]Prommie[/re]: I did see a walrus jerk off and come in front of a group of moms and kids watching through an underwater window. By the time they realized what was happening the water was full of Walrus cum, gross. I have not seen a room clear out so fast since hearing the no cervasa song in a bar in Managua in 1992.

  62. SethCReedermeyer

    Let this be a lesson to all of those flaming libtards who said that they’d move to Canada in gWb got elected again. We were partyin’ down here, baby! True, you were probably partying too. Plus, the girl you were hooking up with was probably disease free and on the pill because she had medical care in the socialist hell that they’ve created up in Hockeyland. But…Jesus loves us more!

  63. Bearbloke

    [re=366325]ExecutorElassus[/re]: You know, just a few minutes ago, I was planning to have a bed-time snack on this bitter-cold winter night, but the very description of the scene involving the dog made the volume of pre-vomit saliva rise rapidly in the back of my mouth… thanks a whole fuckin’ lot, mate…

  64. Extemporanus

    [re=366385]Bearbloke[/re]: You should count yourself lucky. Things have gotten so bad here in the States that pre-vomit saliva is a rare and highly sought after bedtime snack unto itself.

    Why else do think “Two Girls, One Cup” went viral here so quickly?

  65. CorkPopper

    [re=366366]jodyleek[/re]: Yeah, between the giant cross and the worshipful looks on the photographed girls’ faces and the pedo/patriarchy feel to the thing, that article left me feeling extremely skeeved. Still, the only person I know who actually signed a virginity pledge is now a wild drunken party girl, so there’s that.

  66. Prommie

    [re=366375]riverside68[/re]: I once saw a male giraffe drinking the pee from a female girraffe, he was clearly after her for a little sumpin, and he was was sniffing around her hind end, and the female starts pissing, like a waterfall, girraffe is the second largest land animal, yall, and Mr. Giraffe, out comes this tongue a foot and a half long and he starts slurping it up.

    Now what made this really fun was that it was on the safari ride at Disney World, and we were on a car full of turkey-leg eating fat fucktards. When the dude giraffe was just sniffing around, I started to get giggly, nudged my wife and said “hey, looks like he’s after some.” But when she started pissing, and he started drinking it, I literally got hysterical, laughing, crying, and I just couldn’t control myself and shrieked out loud between uncontrollable laughter and desperate gulps for air “holy shit he’s drinking her piss.”

    Soon thereafter the amarous giraffes were separated by zoo personnel wielding cattle prods, and I got the angry disapproving stairs from the fucktards all the way back to the station. I cried for minutes with sheer delight.

  67. Redhead

    Is anyone else thinking about the Family Guy “you kids are doing it in the ear” episode right about now?

  68. Crankenstank

    Prommie’s delightful anecdote reminds me of an occasion I had many years ago to visit the San Diego zoo when there was a special exhibit of bonobos. Everywhere there were signs that said “this way to the Bonobos” and when I got there at long last, I discovered a somewhat dull looking sort of chimpanzee with enormous and quite prominent genitalia on both species, which, in the boredom of captivity, or perhaps doing what comes naturally, they were displaying to one another and enjoying in all the possible permutations of gender combination. I was amusing myself by watching this clearly god-hating species when I noticed a woman with two small children come up to the exhibit. The woman was wrapped up in something (cell phone? can’t quite remember) but the kids caught on quickly and were excitedly jumping up and down and pointing at the magnificent shenanigans going on before them. The mother finally jolted herself back out of her cocoon and took a look. Horrified, she tried to cover up both kids’ eyes at once (thereby spilling an electric-colored drink in the possession of one of them, setting off a delightful jungle shriek), and, beside herself in indignation, huffed off yelling, “WHY CAN’T THE MONKEYS BE MORE LIKE MONKEYS?” Indeed.

  69. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=366325]ExecutorElassus[/re]: [re=366433]Prommie[/re]: [re=366375]riverside68[/re]: I want to thank y’all collectively for making me positively hurt myself with stifled laughter. My boss just came in a minute ago and I had tears rolling down my face. I told her I was sad because I just found out a beloved aunt had died. God bless you, you sick fuckers.

  70. Paul Tardy

    The future of America is syphilitic retards. This proves it, we need immigration, at least the immigrants can walk 50mi through a desert, and know which way is norte.

  71. Athar

    Faith based teen pregnancy prevention: You just have to believe hard enough that they won’t get knocked-up at sixteen, and they don’t!

  72. Jennasaurus Rex

    Given the failure of abstinence-only education and the presence of rampant teen saddlebacking, repubs must look elsewhere to force youth to abstain from unmarried, nonprocreational, nonmissionary-style sex. I suggest castration.

  73. Jennasaurus Rex

    [re=366582]Athar[/re]: That seems to have worked real well for the ‘Sixteen and Pregnant’ kids.

    MTV: 1 God:0

  74. oldguy

    [re=366312]CorkPopper[/re]: I’m confused about Picture 5 in that slideshow. Apparently, they’re promising to be deflowered by Jeebus? Saving themselves for the second coming? (Geezum Crow, there’s gotta be a joke in there someplace….)

    And the dad who has “vowed to follow evangelical ideals to protect her purity”…. Stoning?

  75. zhubajie

    A lot of these young girls were impregnated by their preachers! “God wants you to minister to the Prophet,” Brother Stairs said, back before his ministry landed him in jail. He put the Holy Ghost Pole in the Holy Ghost Hole, and nature took its course. There’s a lot of that in Born-Again circles.

    Zhu Bajie

  76. zhubajie

    [re=366230]mrsixinch[/re]: Why do you think they used to arrange marriages for 12 year olds?

  77. zhubajie

    [re=366257]finallyhappy[/re]: Not to mention that it was founded by a syphilitic whore-monger.

  78. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    Anyway, I’m pleased to be here in Gouth Dark to announce the opening of my brand new store, a store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore!

  79. oldguy

    And I like the dads holding crossed swords over their daughters as they toss their flowers under the cross. Touching, as it were, symbolism.

    “Tossing Your Flower for Jeebus”

  80. ginafly

    All of you blue-state atheists are missing the point ENTIRELY. I used to be Catholic, so lemme break it down:

    What all of this proves is that syphilis AND the sperm which begat the baby Jebus can both enter the virgin hoo-ha. It’s a miracle! Before we just though sperm could do that. The Vatican doesn’t talk about Mary having syphilis, but it seems quite possible.

    I’m off to Walmart to buy thicker underpants now.

Comments are closed.