Wonkette
Here is news that will be shocking to zero persons: the Bush twins were a bit of a handful for their Secret Service detail back in the day! Yeah, they liked to party a lot, and would occasionally try to slip out unsupervised. Jenna appears to have been the bigger pain in the ass (!!!??!). Why was George Bush not impeached over his failure to control his college-aged daughters, who more and more appear to be the sort of fun, boozy Southern girls who end up as real classy society dames working as docents at your local mid-sized modern art museum?
(Cue the Freeper thread calling the Bush girls “ghetto trash.”)
A HOT NEW TELL-ALL called, let’s see, In the President’s Secret Service: Behind the Scenes With Agents in the Line of Fire and the Presidents They Protect reveals all the crazy hijinks the Secret Service has had to put up with over the years. Such as: President Obama’s continued filthy smoking habit! And, uh, President Reagan’s extensive collection of poison dildos, which he kept hidden beneath the floorboards of Nixon’s bowling alley! (OK that is made up.) Buy this book immediately.
JENNA AND BARBARA BUSH GAVE SECRET SERVICE FITS [New York Post]
Is “fits” the new code word for crabs? I can’t keep up with you young people and your jive slang talk and what-not.
Jenna and Barbara = Uday and Qusay
There was no bowling alley?!
ph7: Win.
Also, nevermind that the Obama kids are going to be more or less angelic during their time in the White House. They will still be demonized for every Peace t-shirt they don (”Communist sympathizers!”).
What about the real bombshell in the book, that “Spiro Agnew…had extramarital affairs while in office”? Spattering spermbobs of smegmativism!
Some day I, Santa, will write a tell all. You would not believe the things those two whispered in my ear. They did wait in line with the other kids at the Dallas Nieman Marcus, by that I mean the SS did not pull a “make way, make a hole, VIP coming through” type of manouvre.
“Why was George Bush not impeached?” You coulda ended it there for me.
Again with the poison dildos SKS? This causes me inappropriate giggles at the workplace. And rashes also.
“I want a girl, just like the girl who grew up just like Dad.”
There’s a porn movie in there somewhere.
Todd Mecklem:
The only shock there is that someone would have sex with Spiro Agnew.
Todd Mecklem: Yeah, that’s just disgusting. Just because Washington DC is a swamp doesn’t mean you should fuck the toads. Actually most toads are far more charming that Spiro ever was.
Remind me again, which one has the penis?
Hell, I’d hit some Bush bush…
poison dildos… y’see, that punchline just can’t be as funny without extramarital affairs from our leadership.
Seriously, give Sanford a pass with his chiquita, since he loves her. Give Eliot Spitzer back the governorship of NY, since he was paying primo dollar for his ass sex.
But don’t give a fucking thing to Ensign; no one deserves a pass if they can’t write their own goddamn check to cover it up.
Which one do you think is into rusty trombones? I say Barbara.
And, rut-roh, Rush & Molloy say that another gubernatorial hooker scandal may be brewing, and this one involves a Democrat - if the NY Daily News’s anonymous commenters are to be believed, that is, which isn’t always wise.
Jenna would purposely try to lose her protection …
So she’s into barebacking?
At least they didn’t kill anyone like their mother did…
Which Secret Service dude failed to protect Amy Carter from being beaten with the ugly stick? Because that was a serious dereliction of duty.
Don Juanquete: Barb. It is passed along with the name.
According to the book’s anonymous sources, Jenna and Barbara would drop suspected dissidents into a “human shredding machine,” the victims’ screams drowned out by the twins’ terrible high-pitched laughter.
Oh yeah, also, the NY Post comments to that article are full of racist comedic gold. It’s all Obama’s fault.
I Have Issues wrote:
Jenna & Barbara weren’t elected officials…just young spoiled brats.
Obama, on the other hand, lies to us about anyting and everything. I’m sure he doesn’t pay the huge tobacco tax he raised on the people who smoke. (He said he wouldn’t raise taxes on anybody but the “rich,” remember?) He’s a real detriment to the United States. That affects me. Jenna and Barbara don’t.
TheEmuSays… wrote:
Amazon just removed 1984 and animal from Kindle. I wonder who is behind that?
klecko wrote:
Obama has been smoking Barney Frank for years. That’s why he is called a Baracksucker.
Saul wrote:
“He says that despite his claims to have cut back on smoking by 95 percent, Obama continues to puff away regularly.”
Is there anything BO does not lie about?
Todd Mecklem: Whoever it was, she (assuming it was a she) must have been wild.
“Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.”,/i>
A book titled Jenna Tales would likely sell much better, especially if it contained more sexy pics of Bush-on-bush violence.
President Beeblebrox: People seem to think it is Rendell…can you imagine having to have sex with Ed Rendell…ugh…
mookworthjwilson: Hear, hear! They also didn’t authorize the deaths of Iraqis and US Soldiers like their dickhead dad.
“The author claims that at a 2005 Halloween party, Henry Hager, Jenna’s boyfriend and soon-to-be-hubby, got so drunk the Secret Service took him to Georgetown University Hospital. He also got boozed up with Jenna in a Georgetown bar and picked a fight with several other patrons, with agents having to intervene to avoid a brawl, writes Kessler, an ex-Washington Post and Wall Street Journal reporter. ”
So, basically, the Secret Service thwarted all Jenna’s plans to get rid of Hager, too.
mookworthjwilson: I only know if was my governor- we wouldn’t have any of that Jenny Sanford good wife(he loves somebody else- take you money and dump him, you dope) crap or the endless line of political wives standing next to their cheating pos husbands.
President Beeblebrox: Obama is teh eeevul and responsible for everything bad in this world and all worlds to come. Obama is responsible for Babs & Jen doing whatever slutty girl stuff they got up to. Yesterday I read something where Obama was responsible for some douche who stuck a bar-b-que fork in their chihauhau’s head (I kid you not; my hubby showed me the photo, and right there in the comments was some fool linking it to Obama). Obama: boooga boooga booga TAXES we’re all gonna DIE! ghetto trash, booga!!11!
Jenna Bush/Meghan McCain for president/vice president in 2020!!!!
“And so it begins.”
Yay! The BushTwin dam finally begins to break. You know there’s gotta be story after story piled up there… just waiting for some one to take their finger out of the dyke.
Er… uh…
Worst torturously-long book title (w/colon) ever: In the President’s Secret Service: Behind the Scenes With Agents in the Line of Fire and the Presidents They Protect
the problem child: Wait, you mean to tell to that a rich, white Young Republican type who interned with Karl Rove and worked for the 2004 George W. Bush re-election campaign is a douche? I’m shocked.
nightshift: OMG. What a nightmare…
V572625694: Speaking of which, how come a strangely-wigged John Malkovich never tried to stalk them?
Barbara, Jr: Hot Bush
Jenna: Skank Bush
So how long ’til an ex-SS agent releases his own video of one or both twinks having sex?
norbizness: And worse yet, doesn’t the organizational appellation “Secret Service” mean you should STFU and not gossip about the people you’re paid to protect?
proudgrampa: Nothing says presidential material like flip flops and a hello kitty t-shirt!
who gave Jenna a “pain in the ass”?
Todd Mecklem: Spiro Agnew isn’t a real person is he? I always thought he was like Kaiser Soze.
An inability to stifle the sexiness of our daughters is really the only thing W and ‘camaro had in common. Don’t ruin it for me, people.
El Pinche: I was always more Team Jenna (see above photo)than Barbara but the rumor was Barbara was actually wilder than Jenna– she was just smarter about not getting caught and looking more dignified and serious. Which, actually, makes her way hotter than Jenna.
From the book:
One night, when George and Laura were out of town, Babs and Jennapalooza (their Secret Service nicknames) called up Camelot and Good Guys and hired about a dozen strippers from the two Washington, D.C., gentleman’s clubs and invited them over to the White House. The strippers arrived within 45 minutes and Babs and Jennapalooza sneaked them all in through a secret White House back door that only a few people know about. The strippers, all females, two bodyguards–one from each club–and the First Daughters then proceeded to have a wild, uninhibited, rowdy party in the White House Basement Quarters and Recreation Room from about 11 p.m. to 5 a.m. Several attendees said there was quite a bit of “extra-curricular” and “gender-bending” activities throughout most of the evening’s festivities. George and Laura came home a few days later, and when they went down to the Basement, they were horrified to find empty beer cans, empty whiskey bottles, porn videos (one still in the DVD player), used condoms, a broken boom box, and a pile of T-shirts that said “Camelot” and “Good Guys” on them. Babs and Jennapalooza, although adults, were grounded for three weeks and were not allowed to leave the White House for three weeks. They also had to clean up the Basement and issue an apology to the White House staff. This three-week period, of course, gave rise to the famous “Babs is dead” rumor, which was unproven at the end of the grounding period, when the twins appeared at Smith Point with some new friends named Candy Apples and Cinnamon Buns.
Hmmmm, son of tobacco lobbyist is an asshole? I’m shocked and stunned that the shit apple don’t fall far from the shit tree.
Hooray For Anything:
I guess I’m on Team Babs, too. The dignified and serious ones are all kinds of wicked in the sack (in my limited experience.)
thefrontpage: A dozen strippers? Awesome! I’m starting to like these girls.
And Dubya made them clean up The Basement? I’m not buying that. They probably called Merry Maids.
V572625694: They never said nothing until they were required to rat out Clinton.
zenferret: Which means we should fully expect the wingnuts to yell and scream about the Secret Service for telling stories about the Bush’s.
They don’t call it, “SECRET” Service for nothing.
So now Jenna Bush Hagar’s day consists of, up by 10:00, drinky-poos and a lunch trip to the mall, come home, bang the pool boy, snort a few lines and yell at Henry to take her out for dinner when he gets home, Zanac and to bed. Sometimes, over morning coffee, while trying to come up with an idea for another damn children’s book, she looks back on those happy White House years and has a little cry.
If I were a republican, the only way I would fuck ‘em is if I was their brother.
Hooray For Anything: Babs, Jr is the Nicole Hilton of the Bush family.
President Beeblebrox: Yes, I love how people seem to think that Obama somehow has more power to fuck up their lives than Bush did. Also, fer fuck’s sake, iwhen a smoker raises taxes on tobacco, the right to whine about it constantly is diminished ever so slightly.
Todd Mecklem: Wish we had comment editing. Soon after I posted, the words came thundering in my head: “SpermBLOBS! SpermBLOBS!” (I hate when that happens.)
Don Juanquete: I’m guessing they were congressional wives who were bored with their husbands and got some excitement out of being shtupped by America’s No. 2 Prick…
“Jenna appears to have been the bigger pain in the ass”
We must make a Freedom of Information request to obtain the strap-on dildos in question.
I think the real questions is: Wincest!?!?!?!?
Dude, you know Obama smokes Kools…
Hooray For Anything: Totally agree. Hell, I’d run thru Babs One to get to Babs Two.
Meh, sounds pretty tame by Bush family standards.
My favorite Onion headline of all time was “Jenna Bush’s federally-protected wetlands opened for public drilling.”
President Beeblebrox: Count Barackula is still smoking the weed. I knew it.
At the very least, Obama should nominate Jenna to be the Beer Run Czarina.
V572625694: It was in the Situation Room.
Because this definitely would be a “Situation.”
Neither Bush twin has ever had an orgasm, however, it should be noted.
I understand Sasha was detained for trying to shoulder her way into the Lincoln bedroom.
ph7: Jenna and Barbara = Uday and Qusay
Absolute win.
thefrontpage: Since the snark is often so good here, was this a joke, or is this from the actual book? If the latter, I think I’ll go find a fainting couch.