Sarah Palin Has Developed Flying Twitters Enriched With Uranium

  beginnings of ends

Ahh, T minus ten days until human TwitterBerry Sarah Palin stops holding back and starts GETTING REAL 4 REAL.  However! This presents an ontological problem of sorts, as everything that is “politically incorrect” is also therefore a “joke about Trig.” [via Daily Intel]

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Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

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98 comments

  1. Zorg

    Oh, Boy-o-boy, I am counting the minutes as well. This is going to be good. I believe the SNL staff will have to come up with a weekly Twitter feature to go with Weekend News Update.

  2. loquaciousmusic

    [re=365676]agentstinky[/re]: As someone whose comment was featured prominently on a recent episode of television’s The Daily Show, I feel that I am well equipped to advise Sarah Palin on the content of all of her future tweets. My fee is $500 per hour, payable in cash or cashier’s check.

    Please have Ms. Palin contact me in care of this website.

  3. bago

    If anything it’s depleted uranium. Heavy enough to be dense as hell, but not enough radioactivity to concern anyone.

  4. torera

    One assumes she will be an endless source of ignorant and racist tweets. (Does Twitter have standards? For staying in business?) But maybe there will be more, maybe she’ll let the McCains (all of them) know what she really thinks of them. And all her repugnican campaign handlers. And Pastor Muthy. And Levi of course.

  5. finallyhappy

    [re=365678]ManchuCandidate[/re]: darn beat me to it! However, I’m betting her racist remarks will not be limited to jokes.

  6. nappyduggs

    Will this daft slag just tap the fuck out already? If she really wants to keep getting owned by,oh, EVERYONE WHO CAN MAKE A FUCKING BASIC JOKE ROOTED COMPLETELY IN TRUTH she should just go right ahead and fix her mouth to say even more ignorant shit. Not only will she get set her children up for a shit storm, but she’ll invariably harpoon herself right in the foot.

    Is this what Walter Cronkite gave his life for?

  7. chascates

    She doesn’t make any sense in 140 characters so she’d better stick to quoting people a la George Will.

  8. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    She is ready to prove herself a true Republican by announcing that she is leaving the first dude adn is now engaged to Levi, her soul mate that she uses for his taunt body.

  9. GinnyRED57

    Response seen to this tweet from @JSeaDub/Julia Ward: “. @AKGovSarahPalin. Are you drunk? When you wake up, check your four ~12:45am tweets.”

  10. honkyman

    So if you’re feeling tired and run down
    can’t seem to get yr feet off the ground
    baby you ought try
    a little bit o LSD

    only if you want to

    shake yr mind and rattle yr brain
    make you act just a little insane
    honey y’oughta try
    a little bit of LSD

    TURN ON TUNE IN DROP OUT

    [this has been a Country Joe and the Fish History Moment]

  11. SethCReedermeyer

    I can’t wait for the maverickiness to begin! Inanity will ensue!

    It’s going to be great!
    AKGovSarahPalin
    @whitehouse: Fuck you BHO! hlth care is for rch ppl. Plus you are a dick for not returning my follow!

  12. Mumbletypeg

    Is she taking twitter lessons from MegsMcCabe? “what happens in vegas stays in vegas.” what happens during labor gets flown home to be birthed in AK… and what happened to AK stays in political office til the novelty wears off.

  13. Advocatus_Diaboli

    There’s a big assumption here that Twitter will still be in business in 10 days.
    Really, can anyone tell me how the make money? As far as I can tell, George Soros is funding Twitter for our collective entertainment.

  14. Sharif DelMonte

    What’s great about this, (and please forgive the narcissism) I am currently on the payroll of the sovereign(TM) state of Alaska, so in 10 days my personal Twitter, (and hell, entire Interweb shoutbox) can respond in kind. As someone who just recently re-located here from Austin, I offer the following: Rick Perry’s hair is nicer, but her signature is prettier. I will honestly be sort of sad when my paychecks cease to bear her autograph–President Boyfriend’s stimulus socialism is particularly delicious to spend on capitalist endeavors when the middleman (peace be upon her) isn’t in on the joke. Also.

  15. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=365693]honkyman[/re]: I think the good Governor Boobsenguns will likely turn to a deeper cut in the Country Joe catalogue: “The Harlem Song”

  16. A Better American Than YOU

    About the time he started to develop Alzheimer’s, my father-in-law decided to start buying some stock. I cleverly determined that was a good time to sell.

    When Republicans start Twittering, run away, run away, run away.

  17. El Pinche

    AKGovSarahPalin
    “Yo Pool, this is SP. you can kss my ass I aint intrstdd in u anyhw, im jst intrstdd in the BBoys. So fck u my man”

  18. Mr Blifil

    Yes Sarah, it will be so liberating when you no longer have to hold back. I think it was the popularity of Jon and Kate that sent her over the edge, since their audience is her audience.

  19. Vivling

    20 ameros says her new account name is laskinm4mabehr. Also, dead fish go with the flow, n dead fish that are ripped appart by mamahbearz swim up stream. They swim up the stream like mavericks. Doin their own thing, cuz that’s nawt P-C and whut nawt also.

  20. WadISay

    I assume less politically correct means something like, “Fkn retard kid drvn me fkn nutz, also.”

  21. jasper f. krone

    [re=365691]GinnyRED57[/re]: In all fairness to OkVag, it was only 8:39pm in AK at the time. Still does not excuse it, and Julia is dang funny.

  22. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=365692]finallyhappy[/re]: I mistyped and, also. It’s early, I’m drinking. What do you want?

  23. the problem child

    $arahPalinAKAngryBear lookn 4ward 2 huntn “tripp” w mitt. Look out, bear is in the woods & vageance is mine. thx c4p & cheney for the idea!

  24. thehelveticascenario

    “elected is replaceable;Ak WILL progress!”
    Is she planning some sort of dictatorship?

  25. Chuckie Jesus

    It’ll be all-caps racist screeds from JOLLYRANCHER82. And the Cult of Palin will sell memorabilia of it in Midwest street fairs from here until the Eschaton is Immanentized.

  26. Mahousu

    We complain that it’s impossible to express a complete thought in 140 characters; Sarah Palin manages to do two in that space. (Well, as “completely” as she ever thinks about anything.)

    The conclusion is clear – Sarah Palin is better adapted to the world of the future than we are. It’s just like the blind fish found in caves, who gave up sight as an unnecessary luxury. She has given up rational, coherent thought, which really serves no purpose in Twitterdom.

  27. Morbo the Annihilator

    Pitiful humans! Your brains will only be more deliciously soft and easily controlled after listening to this rube! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!

  28. kdaddy

    “outside state site” to be determined later, most likely adjacent to a Nieman Marcus.

  29. kth

    not sure what’s stopping from unfurling the freak flag now, since she’s leaving anyway. But if she’s got a XXX version of her current act, I’m totally down for it.

  30. SendLawyersGunsAndMoney

    The Twittering Twat from Whitetrash Town. I support her in her bid for the White House. I think a country that elects twice the Smirking Moron from Texas deserves to be govern by a person permanently stuck in High School Land. Fuck this country.

  31. GreatOldOnesParty

    “fly frm my fingertips”
    Just makes me think of her as an anime villain stretching forth her hand and sending a flock of tweeting, razor-winged birds and laughing maniacally “BHOz a nigre!!!!!11″

  32. nappyduggs

    Now that I have an excellent buzz on, I just need to pose a question: Does this trifling waste of human genome, who abdicated her elected position in a total WTF? fashion, have the nerve to tweet on fuckin Twitter about how tremendous it’s going to be when she can use her very own non-state funded Blackberry and just cold bring the stoopid like none other, because that’s one of the many perks you’re privy to when you’re a fucking deserter, adding insult to injury and suchforth?

    I just want to be sure that I understand her priorities.

    Good lord. Next drink must.be.a.triple.

  33. Native of SL UT

    Her first politically incorrect twit will be to tell us no retarded things will be aborted from her twit, also.

  34. hobospacejunkie

    [re=365709]Sharif DelMonte[/re]: Wait wait wait…you just moved from Austin to Alaska? Details please. I’ve lived in Austin for 24 years, and it ain’t paradise, but I’m curious what enticed you to leave the land of endless, scorching summer for the land of midnight baseball.

  35. Paul Tardy

    “you just moved from Austin to Alaska?” Doesn’t Alaska pay you to live there.

  36. Hunger Tallest Palin

    Palin’s going to show us her tweets?

    I need a cigarette. And a towel. Also.

  37. Guppy06

    And here I thought the GOP was the party that stood firmly against any progress whatsoever.

    The frightening thing is, this has been “Sarah Palin being politically correct?” What’s left, going full-blown Nazi?

  38. dijetlo

    [re=365737]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: We all knew you was drinkin’ Lionel, no need to make confessions to the spelling gestapo.

    We don’t need to wonder what her Twitter account name is going to be, your magic talking boxes will be abuzz with it moments after she leaves her first 140 character dump.
    Those tiny little cocksuckers (in yer magic talking boxes) are dumb as a sack o’ turds, you remember how beside themselves they got when Paris Hilton forgot her panties? This’ll likely be the same thing but with words.
    ” I didn’t mean to say racist things!!!”
    ” I didn’t mean to flash my worn out lady bits!!!”
    Good thing Walter passed when he did ’cause this’d surely kill him.

    PS: I aint drinkin’, I just can’t spell worth a shit.

  39. zhubajie

    [re=365775]SendLawyersGunsAndMoney[/re]: No, it’s time for someone even worse: a televangelist, like Rod Parsley or Pat Robertson!

    Zhu Bajie

  40. auduboner

    [re=365749]Mahousu[/re]: I bow to your wisdom! Clearly, she is an evolved (or at least different) version of homo sapiens. The term “Genetic Mutant” comes to mind… As does a Trig joke. Also.

  41. LoweredPeninsula

    Does anyone know what the fuck she’s trying to say in her first few sentence fragments that almost seem to be saying “fuck you”, audibly, to grammar, itself?

  42. El Pinche

    I predict that Sarah Palin will be providing commentary on The Smoking Gun Dumbest tv series along side Leif Garrett and Tanya Harding.

    [re=365810]Gallowglass[/re]: fire away.

  43. Sharif DelMonte

    [re=365783]hobospacejunkie[/re]: [re=365786]Paul Tardy[/re]: I have a top secret government job training dance moves to bears. Too long has Russia dominated this national security priority! Nay, I’m a junior scientist working a big-boy job in a seasonal industry. I go back to Austin in the wintertimes for two reasons: salsa at Chapala and whiskey at Side Bar.

  44. hobospacejunkie

    [re=365832]Sharif DelMonte[/re]: Well good for you (in best Christian Bale voice,) you get the best of both worlds. Your smarts are really paying off if they get you out of the living hell that is Autin in the summer. I played an 8am soccer game outdoors yesterday and thought I would succomb to heat stroke.

  45. gurukalehuru

    She’s going 3rd party, no doubt about it. She sees herself as the head of a movement, and she might be right. I don’t know whether to be amused, or terrified.
    I’m going with amused, at the moment.

  46. worrierqueen

    [re=365841]gurukalehuru[/re]: Well if its a 3rd party its going to be a party of the Republican base which means the Republicans should get approximately 0% of the vote in the next election.

  47. El Pinche

    [re=365838]hobospacejunkie[/re]: 8am ..it must have been in the mid-90′s . Yeah, I went fishing that morning, and by 9am , it was 100F. I wish our idjit governor would resign though.

  48. EricCantor4Prez

    Keep it up liberals, with each joke you show for the elitism you ARE, most people don’t care if Palin can spell its about VALUES, oops you wouldn’t know about that.

    2012 can’t come too soon.

  49. NYNYNY

    [re=365683]torera[/re]: I don’t think she’ll tweet anything racist. That is, until she meets her first black person. Or hispanic person.

  50. ivenson

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: “Keep it up liberals, with each joke you show for the elitism you ARE, most people don’t care if Palin can spell its about VALUES, oops you wouldn’t know about that.

    2012 can’t come too soon.”

    Seriously, I can’t tell what’s satire and what’s real wingnut opinion these days.

  51. dijetlo

    [re=365864]ivenson[/re]: That, I think, was the latter.
    The former normally contains a reference to buttsecks or trucknuts and the repeated use of the word also, also

  52. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: Y so srs? Me no speakey teh Ingly.
    Please rephrase your posting in a Snark-friendly format.

  53. smartypants

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: oh my fucking god….where have you been all of my life?

    Your PASSION, Your CAPITALISM, Your Je ne sais quoi…….Oh, oh, oh…

    You

    Are

    Awesome.

  54. what tha?

    She is starting a new social site called Quitter and will be sending quitter “queets”. Advice on quitting your job, your various gummit responsibilities, your kids- nothing will be too “politically correct” for ex-gov. Palin to talk about. It will come with a translation unit since it will be written in Wasilleese.

  55. smartypants

    [re=365876]what tha?[/re]: That was awesome? I liked it? Except it should be ‘wasillian’?

  56. DustBowlBlues

    [re=365749]Mahousu[/re]: I don’t know if you should think of this as flattery, but yours was the first post on this thread that made any sense to me. Now that Mahmoud Akmahardname has shut down media coverage of the Iranian protestors, Twitter is once again the new technology I hate the most. Please, god, let it go out of business when some dickwad realizes it doesn’t make money and never will make money.

    Is thinking in full words, sentences and paragraphs going to go the way of the dead fish?

    Plus–if anyone sees a Jehovah’s Witness on their doorstep, please scream obscenities at them for turning my perfectly acceptable 16 year old step grandson into a zombie. Also. (To make this a relevant comment). I wish the Palins would turn into Jehovah’s Witnesses with Twitters, so I could roll my hatred into a neat, tidy pile.

  57. imissopus

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: I know I’m stoned on free socialist pot, woozy from all the gay abortions and my man-crush on the One, over-medicated ’cause my new government-run health plan allows me all the taxpayer-funded pills I want, and giddy from the huge welfare checks the feds just handed over to me, but your post still doesn’t make any sense.

    I’m pretty sure Palin’s inability to spell is indicative of a lack of fundamental intelligence, which concerns me in a potential president of the United States. But go ahead and vote solely on her values. Maybe by 2012 victimization, whining, and a pattern of quitting when the going gets tough will be just what the country is hungry for.

  58. DustBowlBlues

    [re=365864]ivenson[/re]: “EricCantor4Prez”

    I think it’s serious political commentary, because the screen name with 4prez in it is clearly part of someone’s twat, which is the province of Republicans. Oh, you crazy wingers and your incessant twats.

  59. hobospacejunkie

    [re=365883]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I was hoping you’d resurrect your nickname for EC, “Dixie Jew.” As I said elsewhere, seeing as how Cantor is probably shorter than Tom Cruise, and has all the personality of a steaming pile of dog feces, he’s simply not cut out to run for, much less be president.

  60. villageatrois

    Twitters! She has two of them, therefore she could be on tv and run for VP, and everyone watched her, turning off the sound.

    So, how is she gonna keep doing that in text?

    Obligatory “also”: she has five kids, and changed colleges five times. That’s ten pregnancies! Not to be judgemental, but that’s a whole lot of oopsies. WTFWJD?

  61. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: Please feel free to follow your leader and quit at any time.

  62. worrierqueen

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: 2012? Patience mon enfant, you’ve got to get spanked in 2010 first.

  63. Holy Cow!!

    So basically, she just admitted that she’s been bullshitting us the whole time she’s been in office.

    I can’t wait for to her wax philosophically on twitter.

  64. Darkness

    [re=365855]EricCantor4Prez[/re]: Elitism usually includes BEing governor . . . oh, wait . . . THAT’S why she quit. I thought it was the red ink that is about to poor all over the cake walk part of the job that up till now encompassed only getting even with your enemies and signing extra special socialist checks to each of her constituents from the corporate-filled oil fund… Silly me.

  65. theVestedWombat

    I swore I would never tweet however I’m seriously considering going back on my word now…

  66. Pithaughn

    [re=365882]imissopus[/re]: Suggestion, remind them we are all values voters. Those without values don’t vote. It’s just are values are relevant to the real world, what with all the differences and such. That’s why tolerance, respect, equal justice for all are at the top of our list rather than slavering devotion to a made up supernatural being.

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