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SOMEONE'S GOTTA WRITE IT

CNN Finds Michelle Obama’s Plantation

The bounty hunters at CNN have located the plantation from which Michelle Obama escaped, and returned her. Pulitzer for Public Service much? [CNN via Wonkette bounty hunter "Patrick"]


6:07 PM on Thu July 16 2009
By Jim Newell
2520 Views

  1. Combover says at 6:11 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Yowza!

  2. Extemporanus says at 6:13 pm, July 16th, 2009

    “From White’s house to the White House: The Michelle Obama Story. Only on CNN.”

  3. Native of SL UT says at 6:14 pm, July 16th, 2009

    From slave to meeting the Queen. Oh what a heartwarming story.

  4. V572625694 says at 6:15 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Bounty hunter “Patrick”? You’re paying for “news” now? For shame!

  5. problemwithcaring says at 6:17 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Srsly, how did Black people manage before CNN and that nice mulatto-looking Soledad woman began explaining “the Negro” to America?

  6. Todd Mecklem says at 6:20 pm, July 16th, 2009

    They’ll probably want to put up a plaque there. But don’t worry, Steve King will put a stop to that!

  7. mrsixinch says at 6:22 pm, July 16th, 2009

    problemwithcaring: Apparently, not well.

  8. hobospacejunkie says at 6:22 pm, July 16th, 2009

    V572625694: I know you didn’t ask for this but I say more news should be paid for. Why should everyone involved in bringing the story to the public get something out of it except the person or persons without whom there wouldn’t be a story?

  9. Extemporanus says at 6:23 pm, July 16th, 2009

    The story quotes Mrs. Obama as saying:

    “Without the brave and selfless efforts of Mr. Don Cornelius, Harriet Tubman’s dreams might never have been realized, and I likely wouldn’t be standing where I am today. Can you dig it?”

  10. lizard scum says at 6:23 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Good thing Barack wasn’t born in this country

  11. CuntryFirst says at 6:26 pm, July 16th, 2009

    I’m disappointed. I was expecting a more grandiose plantation. Michelle Obama impresses me less now.

  12. SayItWithWookies says at 6:27 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Only in America could somebody four generations removed from slavery, and whose ancestors suffered from oppression and prejudice all their lives, rise to become first lady — and be criticized for not being proud enough of her country.

  13. orange says at 6:28 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Slaves had it pretty good. Look at the clean siding on that shack!

  14. chascates says at 6:30 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Ole Strom Thurmond had dozens of those on his plantation. But his weren’t as big or as well taken care of as this one.

  15. mrsixinch says at 6:30 pm, July 16th, 2009

    orange: And who kept it clean, hmmmm?

  16. WhatTheHeck says at 6:32 pm, July 16th, 2009

    lizard scum: OMG. Her husband is not even a U.S. citizen and she’s not descended from Mayflower pilgrims. Throw them out of the Whites House.

  17. Dayam! That looks like one fancy-scmancy slave house to me. It looks more like a slave mansion. Two stories, and it has fancy shutters on the windows! They had it pretty good, huh? See, they are whiners. I am sure that truth-tellers like Rush and Glenn will point this out.

  18. One Yield Regular says at 6:35 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Well, if they want to be fair and balanced, like FOX News, CNN should get to tracking the slave-owner roots of Jeff Sessions. Or maybe Mark Sanford (that guy actually grew up on a plantation…).

  19. mephistopheles jefferson says at 6:36 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Bounty hunters? We don’t need their scum.

  20. orange says at 6:37 pm, July 16th, 2009

    mrsixinch: I assume the Mexican maids.

  21. RobPetrified says at 6:40 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Wow.
    I’m old enough to remember Jim Crow. I remember the ‘white’ and ‘colored’ water fountains at the A&P store where my mother shopped. Separate restrooms, too.
    Of course there were no black kids in MY school!
    We’re finally getting there…..
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118798/

  22. Lascauxcaveman says at 6:41 pm, July 16th, 2009

    In my naughty fantasies, the goregeous, haughty, dark giantess is always named “Mandinga.”

  23. WhatTheHeck says at 6:41 pm, July 16th, 2009

    orange: sure it looks nice and all, but 125 people enjoyed living in those plush accommodations… at the same time.

  24. nappyduggs says at 6:45 pm, July 16th, 2009

    That’s right CNN, keep them niiiiiiice and humble. Nothing puts things in perspective like reminding a girl that her ancestor was more like “Chicken George” than King George. Also.

  25. paintitblack says at 6:48 pm, July 16th, 2009

    And Unca Pat’s now saying: break out the sheets & cross boys, we gots some BURNING ta do!

  26. Pizzuti says at 6:52 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Do you think her family’s owners had some prophetic insight when they painted their slave shack WHITE!?!?!?!

  27. blinky_twinkie says at 6:57 pm, July 16th, 2009

    “The shacks probably weren’t much refuge from the vicious clouds of mosquitoes, chiggers, *fire ants*, and other pests”

    and no windows either in that CIA slave rendition hell-house of horrors..

  28. Tommmcatt says at 6:59 pm, July 16th, 2009

    She’s a lot older than she looks, apparently.

  29. OMG, I’ve been there. Beautiful place but it’s hellish in the summer if you are there by choice. Unimaginable under other circumstances.

  30. rereridiculous says at 7:06 pm, July 16th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: You’d really think Michelle would be more grateful that she doesn’t have to be a slave! Black people and their false sense of entitlement.

  31. Holding Out for a Hero says at 7:09 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Does Jeff Sessions know about this?

  32. DangerousLiberal says at 7:11 pm, July 16th, 2009

    The CNN is gonna win the Pulitzer for documenting the degeneracy that is the Fugitive Slave Act. Harvest of Shame looks like Romper Room compared with this hard-hitting journalism.

    problemwithcaring: Soledad is smokin’ hot, also. I think she’s black Irish.

  33. nappyduggs says at 7:24 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Lascauxcaveman:

    “And as the slave master roughly tore at Mandinga’s burlap camp dress, eagerly awaiting his dark, vicious, unsolicited voyage into her darkness, his mindless desire was fed by the palpable cadence of her heart. Confusing the intensity of such a physical response would prove a fatal mistake, for what he did not know was that as soon as he finished his violent and pathetic business, Mandinga would return to her white shack, and retrieve a small pouch containing a miniscule yet surprisingly potent issue of crushed oleander leaves. In a few short hours, his precious wife and children would be dead.”

    Those damn slave romance novels never really have “happy endingz.” Erection deee-nied.

  34. Snidely says at 7:32 pm, July 16th, 2009

    M. Night Shyamalan is Michelle Obama’s father?

  35. Mahousu says at 7:37 pm, July 16th, 2009

    The comments on the article are pretty special. Among other things, it turns out the fire ant didn’t arrive in the U.S. until the 20th century, so presumably back during slave days, everything would have been just peachy.

  36. Pickle says at 7:49 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Mahousu: from the fire-ant debunker: Also the slaves, likely being from West Africa, would certainly have been adapted and used to heat and humidity. As for chiggers, mosquitos, snakes, and alligators, everyone had to deal with those, not just slaves. I’m sure the slaves lives were no bed of roses, but I’m sure the same thing could be said about 98% of the US population in the early 19th century.

    For people who yammer on and on about how important freedom is, they sure do discount its benefits pretty quickly.

  37. dijetlo says at 7:56 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Did they ever find the “whitey” tape?
    Nope?
    I have a strong hunch we’ll be seeing this shack again and again in 2012
    Oh well, pass the socialism, comrades.

  38. thesycophant says at 8:08 pm, July 16th, 2009

    I don’t remember slaves in the Great Underground Empire.

    (This is a Zork joke.)

  39. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 8:15 pm, July 16th, 2009

    First CNN tracks down Bubbles, and now this. Might as well get out of the news business, as its peak has been found.

  40. NYNYNY says at 8:29 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Extemporanus: What does Doctor Cornelius have to do with this? I better watch the movie again.

  41. Jumping Jim says at 8:34 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Thomas Jefferson woulda hit that!

  42. A Better American Than YOU says at 8:44 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Why would Mark Sanders leave all this when he could cuddle with Cubby and “La Argentine Fire Aunt” in a white love shack beside a swamp, I mean “wet land”?

  43. Scooter says at 8:48 pm, July 16th, 2009

    All I remember from our tour of the place is that our docent told us there was an old slave matriarch who lived in that house called Auntie Bellum. I think that’s right.

  44. widget09 says at 9:06 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Big white mansions and little shacks.

  45. Advocatus_Diaboli says at 9:15 pm, July 16th, 2009

    Oh, great, How is Michelle gonna ’splain dis?

  46. Naked Bunny with a Whip says at 9:19 pm, July 16th, 2009

    And to think, someone bought that house for $200,000 in 2006 with a subprime loan. God bless America!

  47. Mr Blifil says at 10:33 pm, July 16th, 2009

    So that picture proves what exactly, that she’s a house negro?

  48. Extemporanus says at 10:47 pm, July 16th, 2009

    NYNYNY: Look for Escape From the Soul Train of the Apes in the “Apesploitation” section at Blockbuster.

  49. LoweredPeninsula says at 12:52 am, July 17th, 2009

    But, guys, you’re missing something. Lincoln was born in a log cabin, so the two sides are even, right?

    The Obama’s certainly are impressive. If I remember my Obama mythology correctly, not only was she born in slave quarters, but her husband was born in a manger.

  50. Lascauxcaveman says at 1:59 am, July 17th, 2009

    nappyduggs: Way-hay-haytaminute. Is there actually … nahhh!

    OMG, it actually exists! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074855/

    And I was just kidding. (Sounds like a pretty good flick, from the review.)

  51. Jukesgrrl says at 2:10 am, July 17th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: Slam! And that’s the sentence that would end the report if I were AC’s producer.

  52. Real Lane not " says at 3:55 am, July 17th, 2009

    One Yield,
    Please… Mark Sanford grew up in Ft. Lauderdale NOT SC. The Sanford “plantation” was about as real as Bush’s “Ranch”.

  53. LoweredPeninsula says at 4:23 am, July 17th, 2009

    Real Lane not “: You sure about that? I’ve read up a little on Daddy Sanford, and unlike Daddy Bush & Son, Daddy Sanford actually seems to have been a real farmer after his family moved up to the plantation and seemed to be much less of a dick than either Daddy Bush or his son.

    That said, you’re definitely that Mark is a carpetbagger that’s been a dick for a very long time. Like, most of his life, in fact.

  54. Suds McKenzie says at 4:27 am, July 17th, 2009

    paging Judge Souter.

  55. gurukalehuru says at 7:31 am, July 17th, 2009

    Declare it a National Park. Watch the wingers’ heads a ’splodin. Hell, make it a goddamned shrine.

  56. iolanthe says at 9:12 am, July 17th, 2009

    Mahousu: Wow … the comments *ARE* special, in that “special education” sense.

    Wow.

    How bitterly these fucking idiots hate the Obamas.

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen “reparasions” before, as a spelling of “reparations”. I hope someone’s Descriptionist Dictionary picks this one up, along with “rederick” and “Joseph Gerbils”, my previous two faves from some Freeper on Alternet.

  57. totoro says at 9:25 am, July 17th, 2009

    Excuse me, but I think that Frank Ricci has a story to tell too.

  58. nappyduggs says at 11:05 am, July 17th, 2009

    Lascauxcaveman: Oh, I know, silleez. I also knew about that film. My aunt used to quote it. Yes. Well, then.

  59. SweetTea& says at 11:10 am, July 17th, 2009

    Guess I’m in the minority on this one, but I actually thought that article was pretty interesting - highlighting the difficulty of tracing African-American genealogy.

    I was just reading today about slave records from St. Croix being put online, which will help some slave descendants trace their ancestry:
    http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iNi7UyWQG6eAVGb66O3DOBNrKIlQD99G17U81

    /history nerd non-snarkiness

  60. zenferret says at 2:17 pm, July 17th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: Well anyone except the Republican pervs looking forward to her spread in National Geographic? Maybe they can use this exotic erotic locale for the photo-shoot.

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