LOVE TRAGEDIES  12:51 pm July 16, 2009

Gay Penguin Couple Rent Asunder By Hussy

by Sara K. Smith

And this is what modern love looks like.And this is why gay marriage will never work: “Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins native to the South Atlantic, made [New York] headlines six years ago when they came out with their same-sex relationship. … That all ended when Scrappy, a single female newly arrived from SeaWorld in San Diego, caught Silo’s eye. … On Thursday, Roy, all alone, sat disconsolately at the edge of the penguin area, staring at the wall.” Jesus Christ that is about the saddest story ever written. [Fox News]

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shortsshortsshorts July 16, 2009 at 12:54 pm


hobospacejunkie July 16, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Haven’t penguins ever heard of a threesome?

Humpback July 16, 2009 at 12:55 pm

When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

Pilate July 16, 2009 at 12:56 pm

This is a whole lot more than a simple affair, this is a love story. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend July 16, 2009 at 12:56 pm

These gay penguins ruined Mark Sanford’s marriage!

Vulpes82 July 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm

Don’t worry, Roy! There are other fish in the sea! Log onto and find yourself a new, younger, hotter penguin. That’ll show that bastard!

ProfessorJukes July 16, 2009 at 12:58 pm

It’s only because Scrappy was wearing a strap-on.
Don’t worry, they’ll all get together to make their own penguin-porn classic “Bi-Bi-Birdie” before too long.

And Larry Craig is STILL not gay. Also.

Paterlanger July 16, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Cheer up, Roy. Silo is probably just planning a run for the Senate.

NoWireHangers July 16, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Clearly he’s bi.

freakishlystrong July 16, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Gay Chinstrap Pengies, really? There’s a dildo joke in here somewhere…

NoWireHangers July 16, 2009 at 1:01 pm

Sounds like Silo has “come to Jesus” and renounced his sinful gay lifestyle by embracing some OC penguin floozy.

Deepthroat July 16, 2009 at 1:01 pm
StripesAndPlaids July 16, 2009 at 1:02 pm

So it is possible to pray the gay out of a penguin? Would it work for a any gay person in formal wear?

norbizness July 16, 2009 at 1:02 pm

They didn’t come out, they were forcibly outed by the Patagonian Advocate.

norbizness July 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm

P.S. They should drill a hole in that wall for Roy. I read about that in True Tales of The Castro District comic book.

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm

Scrappy? What a lousy name. Let’s see, what would be a better name for a lady who comes between two gay orange lovebirds? Oh right — Mrs. Crist.

GreatOldOnesParty July 16, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Just DP the little tramp!

Jerk Cade July 16, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=363947]ProfessorJukes[/re]: a chinstrap-on?

Pilate July 16, 2009 at 1:05 pm

[re=363957]norbizness[/re]: or Emperez Hiltguin.

Autochthon July 16, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Yah, thank God we’ve got Fox to report on such “news”…

Dave J. July 16, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Penguins can be fucking sad, man. My wife had a miscarriage about 4 years ago, and that was generally the worst thing ever for both of us, and so someone gave us a copy of “March of the Penguins” thinking it would cheer us up. Because, penguins are funny. Except! There’s a scene near the beginning where one of the male penguins tasked with holding the egg on his feet to keep it warm has it fall off, and can’t get it back on, and the egg cracks and the chick inside freezes, and the male penguin just kind of stands there looking like he wants to die, and we both turned off the movie and sobbed for like 5 hours.

So now my general rule of thumb is: fuck those stupid ass penguins. That being said, Roy needs to hook it up with Stan over in the puffin exhibit.

GreatOldOnesParty July 16, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Gay news story is gay.

Harvey Birdman July 16, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Penguin Scientologists?

nappyduggs July 16, 2009 at 1:08 pm

I want to see a bitch-slap flipper fight!

S.Luggo July 16, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Roy, man up. Argentine lassies are relationship wreckers. If it has happened once, it has happened a 1000 times.
— Jenny

Sara K. Smith July 16, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: Yeah that fucking movie … Nature films can be pretty emotionally brutalizing, but that one really took the cake.

Neilist July 16, 2009 at 1:11 pm

But who, in this tragic breakup, is going to get the furniture? After all, some of those rocks are valuable antiques.

And what about the collection of autograph prints by Tom of Finland?

[Tom of Finland. There were so many things I could have done with that, but didn't.]

IceCreamEmpress July 16, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Apparently nobody at the Fox News has ever heard of bisexuality.

Todd Mecklem July 16, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=363953]NoWireHangers[/re]: San Diego is NOT the OC. If anything, Scrappy’s probably one of those illegal immigrant penguins that have been swimming around the border fence at Tijuana. First they take our jobs, now they’re stealing our males!

Holy Cow!! July 16, 2009 at 1:12 pm

That saucy home-wrecking harlot should be put down. I mean clearly would should project human emotions and motivations on to the birds because they are so similar to us.

One Yield Regular July 16, 2009 at 1:12 pm

With a name like Scrappy, I suspect this has less to do with a heterosexual conversion than it has to do with a meth problem.

ph7 July 16, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Yeah, six years. That’s about right for any relationship.

Doglessliberal July 16, 2009 at 1:15 pm

[re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: Jeebus, what an awful story. So sorry you went through that. That idiot obviously had not watched MOTP. The next time that person needs cheering up, recommend The House of Sand and Fog. (warning: if you watch it first, grind and snort Prozac before viewing).

Min July 16, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Love hurts, dude.

I’d better go over to and place my order for the “And Tango Makes Three” sequel, “Tango and the Shared Custody Agreement”.

paintitblack July 16, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Oh yeah, right. Wait for Silo to start tapping that flipper when he’s in the stall next to Roy…

Joshua Norton July 16, 2009 at 1:22 pm

How do we know it’s really Silo doing the hot furry humping? Not to sound penguinist, but all South Atlantic Chinstraps look alike to me. Probably some gay bashing fundie zoo keeper threw in a bisexual ringer and immediately called Fux Noise.

Dave J. July 16, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=363985]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, it was rough. I don’t think the person who gave us MOTP had seen it, either. They just assumed penguins = funny. But I’m sure tons of baby penguins get eaten by killer whales and etc. throughout the movie as well.

Nature films really need a “If you have recently had [insert traumatic experience] happen to you, do not see this movie!” warning.

Lascauxcaveman July 16, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Y’know, when your dog humps your leg? He’d really rather be humping a lady dog, but there don’t happen to be any around.

So he’s gay for your leg? I don’t think so. He’s just loaded with healthy young doggie testosterone and needs an outlet. I’m thinking maybe penguins have a version of that.

Naked Bunny with a Whip July 16, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Bisexual polyamory is the future, for penguins.

V572625694 July 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=363956]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: Isn’t “gay person in formal wear” redundant?

IceIceBaby July 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Who knew there were Argentinian penguins?

“Dearest Scappy, You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle pecks with your beak, or that I love your ability to eat endless or that amounts of sardines, I love the gentle bounce of your waddle, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself). Love, Silo”

teebob2000 July 16, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Hmm. And they say, “once you go black & white,”…

Lascauxcaveman July 16, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: Aw crap, now I’m sobbing too. My youngest would be almost five years old now, if he/she had made it out.

[re=363985]Doglessliberal[/re]: Or “Crash.” That one’s a real yuk-fest too.

Cherry Garcia July 16, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: I am sorry about your loss but re: March of Penguins, it’s the same reason I could never watch Meerkat Manor. Between these stories and the Humane Society’s abused animals commercial, I become a manic depressive. Geez, now I need to go watch a rerun of the Mark Sanford press conference to make me laugh.

Doglessliberal July 16, 2009 at 1:36 pm

Dave J.[/re]: [re=364001] Cherry Garcia[/re]: We bought and watched the whoie Planet Earth series, the BBC version–you need to get that one, not the Americanized version–and it was chock full o’ depressing moments. On the other hand, it did have great scenes like the hoard of otters chasing off a crocodile.

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm

[re=363993]Dave J.[/re]: Yeah that whole movie is basically two hours of penguin attrition. Every time they walk to the ocean, walk from the ocean, go fishing, experience a storm or whatever, Morgan Freeman intones, “Alas, some may die” or some variant thereof. Watching it in a theater packed with kids, I got a sense of dread every time a new phase of the penguin year opened.
And sorry about you and your wife’s loss. Miscarriage can be particularly awful because we don’t have any kind of ceremony like a funeral that publicly acknowledges it. But hell I turned into a blubbering zombie for weeks after my sweet little cat died, so kids — I think I’d better avoid having them.

Dave J. July 16, 2009 at 1:40 pm

[re=364000]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Very sorry to hear that. And sorry I took this cheerful thread to a dark and sad place, people! But, important life lesson: if you have close friends or relatives who lost a pregnancy, talk to them! It’s brutally difficult to endure, and people kind of avoid you because they don’t want to bum you out. But talking is what they really want to do–please don’t shut them out!

Ok, that’s enough important life lessons for one day. I need to go watch Lindsey Graham talking like a fucking idiot to cheer myself up.

Oh, and one final note: I’ve been to that Penguin Encounter exhibit in San Diego so many times I’ve memorized the whole thing. Basically, those penguins don’t do shit all day except sit around and eat tons of fish. Scrappy may seem cool to Silo now, but I guarantee she’s got a HUGE sense of entitlement, and is going to whine his fucking ear off. He’ll be back to Roy before you know it.

Monsieur Grumpe July 16, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I blame Michelle Bachmann’s husband.

Any pictures of Scrappy? Just asking. Not that I really care what she looks like.

frailamerica July 16, 2009 at 1:41 pm

I love how the FOX article is filed under “Celebrity Gossip.”

Extemporanus July 16, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Roy needs to pull himself up by his chinstrap, find a couple of young chicks, and start administering the milk enemas.

I know doing so really helped me move on…

widestanceromancer July 16, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Yeah, well, we’ll see how smug that c*ckblocking hen-whore is in a few years when she realizes the tacklebox she bought for his fishing weekends away from home has never even been opened.

BobLoblawLawBlog July 16, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Roy would have been better served to screech at Scrappy, “GET OFF MY MAN, YOU PINHEAD!!!! GET OFF MY MAN!!!!!!!!!!! Most. Persuasive. Argument. Evah.

gurukalehuru July 16, 2009 at 1:47 pm

I’m guessing Roy was the bottom. Did it have that info in the story?

trondant July 16, 2009 at 1:47 pm

What, no video of flipperjobs? Fail.

greggvl July 16, 2009 at 1:48 pm

So I now have a Wonkette account for the sole purpose of pointing out that this is old news. The boys broke up back in 2005, as the dateline states.

Some of us still keep the hope alive that they’ll rekindle their bromance. Assuming they’re still alive. How long do gay penguins live after they find penguin Jesus or whatever happens there?

Extemporanus July 16, 2009 at 1:51 pm

[re=364005]Dave J.[/re]: Everyone who’s not sob-shaking too hard to type, and who’s tears haven’t completely obscured their vision, should go to this site NOW for a much-needed cheer-thee-up:

Fuck You, Penguin!

Dreadful Gate July 16, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Seigfreid and Roy split up!?

paintitblack July 16, 2009 at 1:56 pm

[re=364017]greggvl[/re]: Ah, Faux Noise: keeping it real, as always, with a non-story about Brokeback Penguins that’s 4 years old. Still: resulted in some good snark here, along w/sympathies to Dave J & his spouse.

Don Juanquete July 16, 2009 at 1:56 pm

It’s just not natural!

WadISay July 16, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Didn’t the Fundies have some big thing about how March of the Penguins was all about them?: dutiful, self-sacrificing, beset on all sides by hostile nature and liberalism, represented by killer whales. Every time I hear one of these stories about penguins taking it in the shorts, it makes me happy.

Not_So_Much July 16, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Isn’t the same result as Sigfried & Roy? Must be the name…

ALIVE! July 16, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=363993]Dave J.[/re]: Don’t ever see this movie: Made by sadists.

GreatOldOnesParty July 16, 2009 at 2:04 pm

[re=363999]teebob2000[/re]: …you’re never quite right.

Cape Clod July 16, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=364002]Doglessliberal[/re]: Did you know that a group of otters is called a ‘romp’?

Don Juanquete July 16, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Meh. All waiters are gay. What’s the big here?

norbizness July 16, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Well, look on the bright side, ye sensitive souls shaken to the core by March of the Penguins… if every single one of those little tuxedo-birds survived, we’d be neck deep in the fuckers. Read your Malthus!

GreatOldOnesParty July 16, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=364000]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Crash, funny story about that movie. Friend of mine told it to me. His friend worked at a movie store and a lady asked him to recommend a movie and he recommended Crash for it’s examination of race-relations in America. Next day, the lady comes back and is absolutely furious that he would ever recommend that movie to anyone and that their store should be ashamed to even carry that title. At first he thought that the woman must be some kind of racist until he realized that she had mistakenly rented a 1997 film of the same name that was about people with a sexual fetish for car accidents.

Cape Clod July 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm

C’mon Roy. Take a weekend in Provincetown and chat up a buff young piping plover.

GreatOldOnesParty July 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm


Don Juanquete July 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm

What? Buffalo and Wonkette are related? And both bisexual, I mean, “two spirit”?

Reproductive habits and sexual behavior
Homosexual behavior—including courtship and mounting between bulls—is common among bison. The Mandan nation Okipa festival concludes with a ceremonial enactment of this behavior, to “ensure the return of the buffalo in the coming season.” Inter-sexual bison also occur. The Lakota refer to them as pte winkte—pte meaning bison and winkte designating two-spirit—thereby drawing an explicit parallel between transgenderism in animals and people.

pkeilty July 16, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Finally proof that homewrecking is natural!

Doglessliberal July 16, 2009 at 2:14 pm

[re=364042]Cape Clod[/re]: I did but I forgot and now I remembered and laughed. Perfect.

Doglessliberal July 16, 2009 at 2:15 pm

[re=364032]ALIVE![/re]: oooh, that one killed me, too.

Lazy Media July 16, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Dames are poison, I tells ya, every one of ‘em.

Paul Tardy July 16, 2009 at 2:18 pm

So Roy is still hanging out at the Stone Wall.

Combover July 16, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Oooh! Ooh! Trig has two daddies!

populucious July 16, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Ok, this is trippy, b/c my sis just sent me a story about San Francisco gay penguins named Pepper & Harry broken up by some tramp ho penguin named Linda. WTF??? I smell Focus on the Family plot to destroy gay penguin families w/ penguin Mata Haris.

trickyrick July 16, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Thanks a lot Sarah K. Smith. You just lost your fag hag status.
Unless that one penguin is really bi, that is.

Extemporanus July 16, 2009 at 2:36 pm

I assumed someone had already mentioned this because it was on the Colbert Report last night, but apparently not:

Almost the exact same thing just happened at the San Francisco Zoo, though in this case it was cold conniving bitch Linda breaking up the buttsecks between Magellenic penguins Harry & Pepper.

I was at the zoo a couple weeks ago, and I can assure you that Pepper is so totally not over it yet. Also, the thigh-high rubber boot-wearing penguin whisperer who does a little spiel and answers questions before shoving hundreds of mackerel down the birds’ throats was hella hawt!

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 16, 2009 at 2:44 pm

Come on. How could they even tell which was which?

[re=363999]teebob2000[/re]: … you’ve visited Neverland as a ten year old?

Extemporanus July 16, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=364079]populucious[/re]: [re=364092]Extemporanus[/re]: Hey! I’ll try to remember to hit “refresh” before “submit” next time.

crapistani July 16, 2009 at 3:10 pm

See, down in Tasmania where the fairy penguins live, this shit would not stand.

Spiderfrommars July 16, 2009 at 3:28 pm

[re=364005]Dave J.[/re]: And Lindsey Graham will be there for you, bless his heart.

BitterPolitico July 16, 2009 at 3:35 pm

This same exact thing happened at the SF Zoo… why are penguins such whores?

Lascauxcaveman July 16, 2009 at 4:16 pm

Same exact thing happens in prisons every day. Men who would really prefer to do the thing with ladies find only other men around.

Prisons, zoos, what’s the diff?

dedalus July 16, 2009 at 4:31 pm

How come penguins are getting some and I’m not?

Time to visit the zoo.

Pizzuti July 16, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Ugh. I’ve already had Evangelical Christians gleefully shove this news story in my face saying SEE, HOMOSEXUALITY REALLY IS A CHOICE! EX-GAY PENGUIN! (yes they spoke in all caps).

I want to point out that there have been other gay penguin couples in the world besides this one, but they think Jesus has just descended from heaven calling them his blessed warriors and I don’t think I’ll be able to burst their bubble.

AnnieGetYourFun July 16, 2009 at 4:38 pm

All the jokes I could have made have been made, but I remain sort of heartbroken over this.

AnnieGetYourFun July 16, 2009 at 4:40 pm

[re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: I plain refused to watch that movie for a similar reason. Fucking goddamn flightless motherfucking birds.

NYNYNY July 16, 2009 at 5:46 pm

You know, I’ve got a chinstrap penguin for you right here, and he’s all puffed up for a mating ritual.

Kev-O-Tron July 16, 2009 at 6:27 pm

[re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: [re=364000]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: [re=363985]Doglessliberal[/re]: I dated this girl for a couple of months back in 2005. We rented the movie Closer (her alleged favorite) and went back to her apartment. Didn’t actually put the movie on. I went to get the box of condoms I had left there a week earlier and she said “I don’t think there are any left” meaning she had used them all without me. After that she dumped me and never returned the movie fucking me over with late fees. When I finally saw the movie it was the most twisted, sadistic relationship flick ever. The point being that peoples taste in movies tell you a lot about them.

Gay penguins are hawt, also.

Extemporanus July 16, 2009 at 7:06 pm

[re=364375]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: All of your condoms? Damn, dude. Now I feel like a total shit.


Scooter July 16, 2009 at 9:08 pm

So the article is about Chinstrap Penguins [Pygoscelis antarctica] but the picture is clearly a pair of copulating King Penguins [Aptenodytes patagonicus]? Sheesh, what a screw-up! Not even the right genus!

Unlearned Hand July 17, 2009 at 10:23 am

If you take out the baby penguin, this is basically the plot of “Little Ashes”.

Which means Roy will be shot by a Nationalist firing squad any day now – or, um, whatever sub-Antarctic birds represent fascism.

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