• May 26, 2012
GROSS

July 15, 2009

The Day Sarah Palin Scraped Off Her Makeup

by Ken Layne  

Jesus lady, ever hear of a SINK?
Much like her political cousin Gordon Brown, Alaskan anger bear Sarah Palin loves to slather on the makeup with a trowel. But when she finally takes it off at the end of a hard night’s twitterin’, the results are NOT what’s best for Alaska.

Hunters from the Alaskan coastal town of Wainwright first noticed the dark, shiny substance floating for miles in the icy Arctic waters of the Chukchi sea, according to reports in the Anchorage Daily News.

The odorous substance, which has been described variously as “gooey,” “gunky” and “hairy” has been also been found of the coast of Barrow, 72 miles north east of Wainwright.

Samples of the huge “gobs of gunk” were taken on Friday by officials from the North Slope Borough, who flew out to Wainwright with the US Coast Guard to investigate. Jelly fish and a dead goose were found tangled up in stands of the substance.

Arctic sea full of huge blobs of floating ‘goo’ [Telegraph]

{ 72 comments }

dum librul July 15, 2009 at 4:47 pm

This is what happens when young Alaskan boys are forced to practice abstinence only.

Pickle July 15, 2009 at 4:47 pm

I think that’s called “evidence of intimacy.” But if it helps you to think of it as discarded makeup, go right ahead.

Mumpedo July 15, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Great, so Stephen King is Nostradamus. I wonder if the world is gonna end with the Stand or The Mist.

snarkistani refugee July 15, 2009 at 4:49 pm

My real regret was that, during the photo-op-in-waders last, I didn’t snark that she was out replenishing her supply of red herrings. I’m so slow and old and stoopit.

Min July 15, 2009 at 4:49 pm

They brought it onto the mainland?!? Ye gods, did none of these people watch “The Blob” when they were kids?

Snarkalicious July 15, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Putin! You sneaky, looming head bastard! Sarah looks away for two seconds to quit and already you’re glomming your hairy imperialist excretions onto our marine life.

slappypaddy July 15, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Put a cap on it and trade it for something.

Jukesgrrl July 15, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Can’t be Sarah’s make-up. That’s tattooed on. Except for the eyelashes which came from baby seals.

Todd Mecklem July 15, 2009 at 4:51 pm

It’s the Blob! See what global warming has wrought? And Steve McQueen ain’t here to save us, folks!

SayItWithWookies July 15, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Fifteen-foot strands of floating, hairy goo. Either they’ve found a new form of arctic kelp, or Ted Stevens just got his summer nose-hair trimming.

rereridiculous July 15, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Don’t worry. It’s all organic. It’s just Ted Stevens masturbating into the ocean now that he has the time off.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 15, 2009 at 4:55 pm

First they came for the squids, but I said nothing, for I was not a squid.

Lord Growing July 15, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Really? No “Tangled Up In Goo” reference?

BobLoblawLawBlog July 15, 2009 at 4:55 pm

And here poor Trig so wanted a little brother.

The-Gentle-Art July 15, 2009 at 4:57 pm

You have to watch this clip of Tom arnold and Sean Hannity debating issues like Sotomayor, Health care, Sarah Palin, etc. Arnold does quite well.
SPAM LINK DELETED

paintitblack July 15, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Stands of hairy goo? Hmmm… thought that Caribou Barbie was whining recently, amongst many other things, that her hair is falling out.

Doglessliberal July 15, 2009 at 4:58 pm

I think this is just congealed olive oil and garlic that was supposed to be dumped with the calamari the other day. Next, we get loaves of crusty bread floating along the surface of the ocean.

Smoke Filled Roommate July 15, 2009 at 4:58 pm

“…Jelly fish, a dead goose, the meaning of life, and Jimmy Hoffa were found tangled up in stands of the substance.”

dum librul July 15, 2009 at 4:58 pm

Maybe they’re floating husks of dead polar bears after Sarah corralled them all onto the last floating patch of ice and had them dispatched via helirifle.

I just gave myself a sad.

Todd Mecklem July 15, 2009 at 4:59 pm

Notice that we’ve all been avoiding Mike Huckabee bulimia jokes. We’re better than that.

germansteel July 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm

This is obviously the work of Todd and the Alaska Independence Party and I say, for god’s sake, let them secede before we all are buried in their bodily secretions.

Gopherit July 15, 2009 at 5:02 pm

way too many sci fi original movies have started like this for me to not be stocking up on supplies.

bend July 15, 2009 at 5:03 pm

hey, at least she doesn’t plaster on her makeup like a trollop, you cunt

dum librul July 15, 2009 at 5:04 pm

[re=363436]Todd Mecklem[/re]: Mike Huckabee is a very serious issue who destroys the lives of thousands US Americans every years. Mike Huckabee is not something to joke about.

Mumpedo July 15, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Pujols! Pujols! UigherUigherUigher! Pujols! Pujols!

Gallowglass July 15, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Arctic luv goo.

dum librul July 15, 2009 at 5:06 pm

[re=363443]dum librul[/re]: “Every years?” Bet a grain, Moran!

hobospacejunkie July 15, 2009 at 5:07 pm

[re=363426]The-Gentle-Art[/re]: Weird how your every post contains a pithy sentence followed by a link to the same website. Every time. Almost as if you were…blog whoring.

trickyrick July 15, 2009 at 5:10 pm

I am sure AK Governor Sarah Palin will have a special announcement about this goo.

JadedDIssonance July 15, 2009 at 5:11 pm

[re=363411]Snarkalicious[/re]: Putin just hocked a loogy for a goodbye present.

SayItWithWookies July 15, 2009 at 5:11 pm

[re=363436]Todd Mecklem[/re]: Oh, like he purges.

dum librul July 15, 2009 at 5:13 pm

[re=363453]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I totally agree! Speaking of which, you guys should, like, totally read this blog here at TDB that I totally seriously have nothing at all to do with. http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-07-10/do-not-elect-a-racist/

rereridiculous July 15, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=363457]JadedDIssonance[/re]: I can see floating snot from my house!

hobospacejunkie July 15, 2009 at 5:14 pm

This has gotta be more shit from the Exxon Valdez, probably stirred up by dredging somewhere. But then my geography’s probably way off. Plan B is a natural oil spill, unleashed by tectonic plates slippin’ & slidin.’ When I grow up I want to be a scientist. Never mind I’m 43.

populucious July 15, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Anger bear poo?

proudgrampa July 15, 2009 at 5:20 pm

[re=363408]Mumpedo[/re]: Maybe both!

bitchincamaro July 15, 2009 at 5:20 pm

On the Gowanus Canal, that’s considered a good day’s catch.

Bearbloke July 15, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=363408]Mumpedo[/re]: It’ll end with the “The ‘Slist”

Bearbloke July 15, 2009 at 5:25 pm

[re=363404]Pickle[/re]: “Levi said it was great for the complexion – especially when it’s warn and fresh!”

Smoke Filled Roommate July 15, 2009 at 5:26 pm

[re=363460]dum librul[/re]: Doesn’t Meghan know you’re always supposed to “bet on black”, just like Wesley Snipes once famously uttered in that stupid movie a long time ago? (especially considering the situation)? I think Megs is angling a little there.. Wouldn’t she just be perfect as the fresh new face of The Young Retards Repubs?

ElRat July 15, 2009 at 5:27 pm

So she’s stopped killing wolves from a helicopter since they can now hide from her hideously exposed face?

PrairiePossum July 15, 2009 at 5:32 pm

Sarah puked one of her word salads into the sea.

CollegeStudent July 15, 2009 at 5:50 pm

[re=363423]Lord Growing[/re]: I’ll see your Bob Dylan reference and raise you one Grateful Dead.
“In the end theres just a blob comes cryin up the north
Thru all the broken pipelines and vanished species.
Stella goo. stella goo.”

Smoke Filled Roommate July 15, 2009 at 5:52 pm

[re=363487]PrairiePossum[/re]: WIN!

Skwerl Nutz July 15, 2009 at 5:53 pm

“gooey, gunky and hairy” names of Anger bear mom’s next brood?

the problem child July 15, 2009 at 5:57 pm

That would be woolly mammoth spoo banked about 6000 years ago. Just thawing out now.Too bad the Anchorage zoo’s elephant couldn’t stick around to try it out.

stew July 15, 2009 at 6:00 pm

Looks like another Palin freak went a-shootin’.

One Yield Regular July 15, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Given Palin’s op-ed piece in the Post this week, I’m willing to bet this is God punishing her with a spectacular environmental disaster from Big Oil.

trickyrick July 15, 2009 at 6:05 pm

If it is ambergris, expect Palin to quit her resignation to become governor again. Alaska would be rich, rich in ambergris! But why are the whales vomiting now? sonar? Sotomayer?

CollegeStudent July 15, 2009 at 6:06 pm

[re=363453]hobospacejunkie[/re]: are you trying to give someone a one way ride on the Ban Bus?

nappyduggs July 15, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Did someone feed them li’l Palin gremlins after midnight? See, now they’re all angried up and takin’ it to the waterways.

Oh, what damages she hath wrought upon us.

A Harlequin Bromance July 15, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Trig’s placenta must have finally gone bad. Doesn’t she know that you have to eat that shit while it’s fresh?

Atheist Nun July 15, 2009 at 6:34 pm

It’s the leftover stock from Sarah Palin’s brief stint as a “Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant.”
Too bad she quit before she could get the bright pink Snow Machine!

prophet1195 July 15, 2009 at 6:54 pm

Nothin bogus about attackin’ Palin when one day says she’s done with caterin’
to the media ‘n next day calls a press conference while goin’ fishin’ ‘n ‘campin.

Pump baby Pump err… right?

Pithaughn July 15, 2009 at 7:27 pm

[re=363503]the problem child[/re]: You know, you might be pretty close to the actual facts. As the sea temps rise, there are all sorts of surprises in store for us observers.

Koolaid July 15, 2009 at 8:02 pm
lmj July 15, 2009 at 8:04 pm

This is the Telegraph, which means there is a good chance that either this never happened, or the facts and figures were so mangled that it could be anything… anything at all.

hobospacejunkie July 15, 2009 at 8:22 pm

[re=363513]CollegeStudent[/re]: Not at all. Just trying to encourage everyone to stay on topic and focused on the task at hand: discovering the genesis of this ocean turd.

Bruno July 15, 2009 at 8:25 pm

Oh, this is merely petroleum drilling residue. Drill Baby Drill!

imissopus July 15, 2009 at 8:48 pm

[re=363423]Lord Growing[/re]:

I was livin’ on the great North Slope,
Workin’ with the First Dude for a spell,
I never did like him all that much,
And one day the axe just fell,
So I drifted down to the Mat-Su Valley,
Where I’s lucky to be employed,
Yeah I was workin’ for a while for Caribou Barbie,
Cookin’ meth for all her boys

willmmmm July 15, 2009 at 9:12 pm

This is clearly the work of Cthulhu and Dagon in league with the reverse vampires and Trig.

schlock and flaws July 15, 2009 at 9:38 pm

[re=363463]hobospacejunkie[/re]: This has gotta be more shit from the Exxon Valdez, probably stirred up by dredging somewhere. But then my geography’s probably way off.

Way off, dude–on the 1:2,500,000 scale map of Alaska on my wall, the two locations are 790 miles apart. Course, that’s as-the-raven-flies overland–completely. If you wanted to go by boat between Bligh Reef, close to Valdez (Val-DEEZ, btw), where the EV was grounded and Wainwright, way the hell and gone up on the very NW tip of Alaska, you’re talking an easy 3,000 miles.

Or about the exact same distance our ex-governor (but always our Twittering Twunt) will have to go to find someone to campaign for.

But they have to provide their own goo–sharing goo is the first step to socialism. Also.

S.Luggo July 15, 2009 at 9:45 pm

[re=363470]proudgrampa[/re]: Quitter residue.

S.Luggo July 15, 2009 at 10:07 pm

[re=363655]schlock and flaws[/re]:
Don’t understand. Please write in metric, the language of Foreign Law.
— Sonia
FWIW: Senator Secession has asked that I translate all of my decisions from crazy fiery Latina into American.

momus July 15, 2009 at 10:41 pm

[re=363436]Todd Mecklem[/re]: Even worse, Steve McQueen’s body was also found tangled in it!

nightshift July 15, 2009 at 11:00 pm

[re=363408]Mumpedo[/re]: My first thought was that floating tar from Creepshow 2. As I recall, it didn’t end well for those hippie skinny dippers.

Mr Blifil July 15, 2009 at 11:01 pm

Karl Rove’s used condom stashes?

Mapmonger July 16, 2009 at 12:26 am

[re=363510]trickyrick[/re]: Before people learned that ambergris was whale spew, they thought it might be whale spunk. Truth! It shows up in a 16th century atlas I’ll sell you for the price of a small house.

But that stuff? It’s like Palin’s Picture of Dorian Gray. Except we didn’t really need it, on account of she’s just so damned obvious.

LoweredPeninsula July 16, 2009 at 12:57 am

The title is funny because most women wear make-up so that makes this funny, right? I have a funny bone, but this isn’t doing it for me, but that’s why there is so much more on Wonkette, probably.

gurukalehuru July 16, 2009 at 6:06 am

The Bering Strait should hencefroth be known as The Santorum Strait.

lulzmonger July 16, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fthagn! You betcha!

the problem child July 16, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=363766]gurukalehuru[/re]: Win!

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