Wonkette
Tell you what, it’s about dang time they made a craigslist for conservative real ‘mericuns, caint even look for some coonhounds what without gettin’ all distracted by the filthy pre-vert m4m ads, next thing you know the devil done led you to some rest-stop men’s room and stuck some feller’s peter in your mouth, it’s disgraceful.
So, finally, true patriots can stop hookin’ up with other “str8 males” and concentrate on what’s good about America, which is selling shit to fellow Real Americans. Say hello (in English!) to Gipperslist, the kind of place where … well, jesus, nobody’s really using it. Sometimes, it seems like every so-called Republican in the country is a motherfucking RINO leftie, you know? Well hell let’s just click the first state — it’s one of the Real American states, too, where slavery is still legal — and just click the first category in that sea of zeros to actually offer an item for sale. Here, it’s the book section! Who says wingnuts caint read good?
Thanks to Wonkette operative “Banana” for the tip.
Great — if I ever want to buy Amway products or autographed Jerome Corsi novels (they are fiction, right?) I know where to go.
FOUR SALE: ONE FLESHLIGHT WITH SARAH PALLINS PICSHURE GLOOD ONNIT. USED. TEN NOBAMA AMEROS OR BEST OFFER.
No sex ads? That sounds like “naked discrimination against white males”–or at least discrimination against naked white males. Someone alert Pat Buchanan!
Thank God! I was wondering where to unload all my Brill Cream!
OMG. The M4M personals WILL BE PURE GOLD.
If for no other reason than I plan to spam them.
What’s the going rate on “one for the Gipper” these days? Can I pay in CDOs?
I bet this gets a dandy article about it on Conservapedia or Pedapedia or whatever.
a virtual swap meet
Damn. Our craigslist common whores are going to leave us for the greener sex starved pastures of conservatives. David Vitter must be thrilled.
The whole irony of anti-communist crazy retards trying to remain ideologically pure like Communists attempted to do is really lost on them.
Is it time they made a separate internets from the rest of us? Call it the Intertard. Instead of using routers and fiber optic cable, they can use string and tin cans so they don’t have to use SW based on Computer Science principles formulated by a GAY male NON US AMERICAN, coded in ARABIC numbers, HW that runs on physics that is not mentioned in bible and made by lots of tinted people who aren’t REAL (white) US Americans.
And all the missed connections are in the mens room. Oh man, the jokes write themselves.
BobLoblawLawBlog: If your real name is Brill, your comment would be hilariously disgusting.
Hmmm. No personals. I guess I’ll have to post under “Services - Handyman”
The Gipper had many lists because he couldn’t remember anything.
Hey-O!
Whew! At least now they can unload all that meth they make in Wasilla…
I’ll bet they sell lots of baby products, but no women’s shoes.
Finally, a website where Sarah Palin can re-sell all the used children’s underwear she stole from the RNC.
Auspicious beginning! The only item listed under “Catering/Weddings/Events” is something called “Drew’s Cruise Corner.” No further comment necessary.
NoWireHangers: They suck. There are no personals. Any snarky posts will have to be creatively placed. I have some ideas for the “Free with a military ID” section.
NoWireHangers: hahaha, the jokes really do write themselves!
Min:
They’ll sell lots of women’s shoes, but only in men’s sizes.
Sigh..(252) entries for FL. but I think I’ve found the first sexytime entry:
Under “Services House Interior”
ANDY OnCall® - a handyman repair service company (Tampa)
ANDY OnCall® is a handyman repair service company that sends a qualified craftsman for a FREE Estimate to homeowners needing small jobs, repairs and maintenance. All of your home improvement needs can be taken care of with one phone call. Our craftsme…
ManchuCandidate: Thanks to you there is no longer a need for me to comment. Well said. Also, Gipperslist is going to an even bigger hit than An American Carol, which, I recently discovered, featured Chris Farley’s not funny diarrhea club conservative brother, Kevin. Ugh.
This is hilarious. The furniture section for DC consists of a variety of rocking chairs, and nothing else. Spittoons and lawn jockeys don’t count as furniture, I guess.
they’re so doing it wrong.
When do we officially say the Onion is redundant?
Noodle Salad: Lawn jockeys are in the fine art section.
Oh man, someone in California needs hay for their ranch in Malibu.
Lest you think the GOP is not beholden to the oil industry, note that Alabama’s coastal gem, the city of Mobile, has been renamed on the site to Mobil.
Whew! I was afraid there would be a personals section that would undercut all the action on Hannidate.
Great, now they’re even trying to name The Internets after Reagan? They won’t stop until everything (everything!) is named after Reagan. Twice. Like, Ronald Reagan International Airport That Is Named After Ronald Reagan, Who Totally Gives Me A Boner.
I will add this site bookmark directly under my Hanidate bookmark.
By the way, what’s a “slist”?
Gopherit: White Conservative Male seeks same (15-18yo ONLY) for..uh… umm.. ‘Congress’ & ‘page duties’…
Apply in person, after 6pm, alone, with your ‘tools’ at: 310 First Street, Washington, D.C. 20003
ManchuCandidate: Don’t forget the fact that Al Gore invented the internet which would be a whole other reason for them to come up with their own version of it
Gopherit: If only there was a way to convey foot-tapping online. Maybe a reference to your “wide stance” on the Army-Navy rivalry?
10 whore diamonds to the Wonketteer who comes up with Gipperslist code words for:
Buttsecks
Daddyfur
Lindsey Graham
Blow Job
Men’s Bathroom
Diaper
In the DC listings, the item with the most listings (”furniture”) features a manufacturer in Illinois offering 6 different styles of… (wait for it)… rocking chairs! You can’t make this stuff up.
NoWireHangers: Bob Dylan is at it again!
“No personal ads” –No personal people, either. I’m either making a buck from you, or you can fuck right off.
This looks like the spot to peddle my kenneled, papered, tree octopii.
They haven’t posted my ad yet… I wonder why?
West Virginia » Charleston » For Sale - General » Housewares
FOUR SALE - 2 WHITE SHEETS - GOOD FOR LOSTS OF THINGS. 2 KING SIZES WITH HOLES FOUR NECK AND MATCHING POINTY HAT MADE FRUM PILLOWCASE THAT HAS EYEHOLES. SLIGHTLY USED AT LOCAL RALLY TO KEEP OUR NAYBORHOOD PURE AMERICAN. MY MOM WORSHED IT JUST THE OTHER DAY IN BEHIND OUR HOUSE IN THE CRICK.
(Picture attached)
I find a disturbing lack of Trucknutz posts. Wonketteers?
Some services are misposted in merchandise for sale, e.g. Meat Rubs:
http://www.gipperslist.com/?view=showad&adid=1245&cityid=-37
Do I list used Truck Nutz under automotive or fine art?
There appears to be an awful lot of cornhole sets for sale. Make what you will of that.
I’ve re-designed the GIPPERSLUT logo to more effectively appeal to the website’s target audience.
Sign-up now!
oh, and the Red State Theme™ has really worn out its welcome. For any white American who ever got angry at inner-city black youth for their gang affiliation and color-clad divisions, there’s a big overcooked cauldron full of Fuck You if they EVER talk about living in their God-fearing Paradismal Red State again, ever.
This is truly my favorite, an excerpt from the ad for an electrician in Michigan:
GENERAL SERVICE WORK: We do it all Large or Small / Here or There
“INSIDE OR OUTSIDE WE SIMPLY KEEP IT CLEAN & NEAT”
Electrician. So that’s what those wacky wingnuts are calling it these days!
These people are such retards they can’t even spell the name of their own city, e.g., “Mobil.”
There should be a category of “literacy services” also.
Extemporanus: Do I look for one of my very own bumperstickers with that logo under fine art, automotive, or services?
I keep reading that as Gimperslist.. which wouldn’t be all that different, axually.
Services: Expert lawn care. Best service & prices in town! We do not use mexican laborers. Call Hector Luiz Rodriguez at 555-123-4567
Thank goodness for Wonkette. If not for my humor fix from you-I would tell my boss to f- off loudly. In fact, I may do that anyway
“The Republic Revealed” conservative WWW site is listed in both “Juneau, Florida” and “Wasilla, USA”.
http://www.gipperslist.com/?view=ads&catid=1&subcatid=72&cityid=-2
“The publicity we are doing to promote GippersList is geared toward conservative unbiased and unbiased and conservative media outlets and the positioning is clear. That being said, to support our cause and “prove” that you are a conservative, we ask that all GippersList posters sport a GippersList bumper sticker on their vehicle or in their place of business. When you do a transaction—look for the bumper sticker and if you don’t see it…say something.”
Holy Shit.
It’s not that no one is using it; it’s that our liberally biased Treasury Department no longer prints the CSA dollar, Gipperslist’s users’ only accepted currency.
I wonder where Joe the Plumber would place his ad. The guys seems to do everything but plumbing work.
Somewhat offensively, they have a “snowmobiles” category for the one in Wasilla. HEY GUYS IT IS CALLED A SNOWMACHINE! OMG WHY DO THEY LOVE TEH DUMOCRAPS????
Under what category would you place a plaster cast of Ronald Reagan’s penis?
Between Liberty and Regent “universities,” Hannidate, Gipper Slist, Fox News, and Conservapedia, ‘murkin conservatives can now live out every major facet of life without ever having encountered a libtard. This will all lead up to 2020, when newly elected American President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will declare “there are no homosexuals in the United States” during a visit overseas to Tehran University.
Here’s a purdy place for sale on good ‘ol Coon Lake:
http://www.gipperslist.com/?view=showad&adid=1621&cityid=191
Shortsshortshorts, America’s troll army needs you!
Snark aside, are they serious about craigslist being liberal? Clearly they’ve never seen the racist rants on there. I was looking for an apartment on that site, and one ad said not to respond unless you replied back the name of the state shown in the picture (which as a red state) and an answer if George Bush was a) a great president, or b) the greatest president.
If I didn’t have a “job” with “responsibilities” and a snoopy “systems administrator”, I would spend the rest of the day posting on Gipperslist. Thank you for at least letting me know that I have options.
Monsieur Grumpe: Hmmm. Either ‘Recreational’ or ‘Duct Cleaning.’
Atheist Nun: You’re the best nun EVAR!
Noodle Salad: “Illinois, District of Columbia”… wut? Did Georgetown go out and re-form into its own municipality?
Geez, this Gipperslist thing is the online equivalent of Tradio. Those of you who are Howard Stern fans will know just how much fun you can have pranking Tradio programs. Gogogo!
Crazybroad: Try “Fashion”—a GipperSLUT bumpersticker makes for a great pastie or thong, though for most wingnuts, more than one is required to do the job.
This will be as successful as FOX’s ‘1/2 Hour News Hour’.
OH LOOK THEY HAVE A BANNER AD FOR HOMESCHOOLING CURRICULUM STUFF
http://www.learningthings.com/?B=55&A=1576
Ya know, homeschooling is good and all until the parent gets to the point where the knowledge they have to impart is beyond their understanding. Then you have to do things like buy CD-ROM cram courses to try to teach yr kids chemistry and physics. I guess by that time it’s just easier to tell them that Jesus rode dinosaurs and the Earth is only 6,000 years old:
http://www.learningthings.com/items.asp?Cc=SCIENCESOFT&iTpStatus=0&Tp=&Bc=
President Beeblebrox: “Homeschooling curriculum” = Bible store.
Also, for those of you tired of gay liberal Starbucks, gay liberal Peet’s, gay liberal Seattle’s Best, and gay liberal Cosi, now there’s “a coffeehouse that would reflect the true American values of industry, family, and purposefulness.”
So go fuck yourselves, all you “Generation Xers living on their parents [sic] credit cards”, with your “Crocs and iPods”, and STAY in your “havens for liberal ideas and decaying social values” while you “gather, waste time, and wait for their expected entitlement.”
TEH REEL MURRKINS have their VERY OWN COFFEE SHOP in Crown Point, Indiana!
http://www.conservativecafe.com/
I was hoping that I’d be able to find super cheap round-trip tickets to Argentina but I can’t seem to find any
President Beeblebrox: “Since its rise in popularity during the 1960’s, coffeehouses have evolved into havens for liberal ideas and decaying social values. Beatniks are now Generation Xers living on their parents credit cards, while berets and poetry have been replaced by Crocs and iPods. In general, people use these places to gather, waste time, and wait for their expected entitlement. It was in direct response to this image that Dave Beckham created a vision for a coffeehouse that would reflect the true American values of industry, family, and purposefulness.”
Yowza.
Pickle: “What truly sets A Conservative Cafe apart from conventional coffeehouses is its family friendly atmosphere. Flat panel televisions tuned to Fox news, scrolling news/stock market ticker, and a pro-America décor reflect the values of its customers as they enjoy the highest quality sandwiches and drinks with their families.”
Also.
President Beeblebrox: Something tells me they don’t use free-trade, organic coffee where some of the proceeds go to saving the Rain Forest. I’m guessing more along the lines of coffee being picked by 13 year old Guatemalan slaves employed by Nicaraguan death squads where some of the proceeds go to the Minutemen in Arizona.
Hooray For Anything: any luck finding a great price on Viagra? Skin tanning product? anal spindles? tap shoes? discounts on diapers? flame retardant flags? I have a whole shopping list…
President Beeblebrox: “Flat panel televisions tuned to Fox news, scrolling news/stock market ticker, and a pro-America décor reflect the values of its customers” Thank God. The anti-american decor lack of a reliable news source at Starbucks were really getting me down.
Creative Nickname: Also do not think about posting unless you can pass the I luv ‘merica test. Question one: R u white, or “other?” Question two: Wut color R ur trucknutz?
Atheist Nun: They aren’t posting any of mine either. Sigh
Larry Craig usually has to pay fifty bucks to get someone to do one on the Gipper.
President Beeblebrox: That’s when you turn to Conservapedia, of course! Andy Schafly runs the “the world’s largest pre-college class on American History” (he sees this as a point of pride, since small classes are for commies).
As a web developer I offered them some of my homo-liberal advice on how to improve the website. They’ll either shamefully follow it or try to do the opposite of what I say. Either way, I’m still laughing. Didn’t eco-terrorist Al Gore invent websites?
President Beeblebrox: I’m sure Dave has lots of red velvet cake and blueberry pie to complete the decor. But I’m wondering of they can do something to turn the coffee from that distasteful brown shade it comes in. BTW, that room upstair was tailor-made for the Klan to meet in executive session.
hmmmm. Have been looking for toothpicks made from raccoon penis bones- quite well thought of in the south. There doesn’t seem to be anything in “Furs/Taxidermy”, and am not finding a category for hygiene or fresh breath……
trickyrick: I couldn’t find anything else, but there were a lot of postings from various reporters around the country saying that they’d be glad to talk to any conservative out there because the rest of the media would just say mean things about them. Jake Tapper’s was especially well thought out.
No listing on Gipperlist for Nancy Boys?
President Beeblebrox: The conservative coffee thing belongs to the ‘Assemblies of God Church’ category in Google Maps. (Check their ‘directions’ link under the Locations tab.)
President Beeblebrox: Funny all of the pictures of the Conservative Cafe show the place empty. I wonder why that is?
Thank the Lord and Baby Jeebus that these folk are good with the ‘puters and know how to post ads proper on duh wubsite!
OMG, there’s a category for “well drilling.” Let the games begin!
I want a librul cafe.. I’d imagine it to be just like the ‘party’ in this past Sunday’s episode of True Blood.
President Beeblebrox: “What truly sets A Conservative Cafe apart from conventional coffeehouses is its family friendly atmosphere. Flat panel televisions tuned to Fox news, scrolling news/stock market ticker, and a pro-America décor reflect the values of its customers as they enjoy the highest quality sandwiches and drinks with their families.”
And if you ain’t totin’ yer family, mister, you jess better move on down the street, we don’t want yer kine ‘roun’ here.
(Though someone please explain to me please: 1) How can televisions tuned to Fox News be construed as “family friendly”, and 2) What’s with the “flat panel” specification, is this some kind of coded racist bias?)
President Beeblebrox: Um, they serve “Veggie” sandwiches, “espresso,” “lattes,” “pizza,” and “BIG breakfast burritoes.” That sounds like furrner food to me!
http://www.gipperslist.com/?view=showad&adid=1912&cityid=22 - victory is mine.
President Beeblebrox: It gets better! Check out their description of their “conservative” coffee blend!
Conservative Blend
Strong Kenyan blend with rich body and undertones of fruity black currant.
People — they’re drinking Hopey coffee!
Pickle: Ah yes, that all-American man’s man David Beckham.
Gopherit: Was that under ‘Services for Service Members’ Members?’ I like how they extend the offer in the standard Republican way “to servicemembers and their families”. Like they’re gonna give a three year old an erotic massage…
Do they let you barter with Marlboro Bucks?
Nothing says “patriotism” like flat panel TV’s turned to FOX News.
Just *try* to imagine the revolutionaries who gave us the United States quitting General Paoli’s Tavern for this bung hole.
Smoke Filled Roommate: that was my post. I am so proud.
Gopherit: d’oh, nevermind.
Smoke Filled Roommate: I just realized that. Masterful, though– looks just like the real thing. You got me!
Gopherit: Patriotically excellent!
This This re-worked logo might come in handy if you get any takers.
MarieDeGournay: I hereby absolve you of all your sins, preemptively.
Gopherit: Dammit! Maybe we should have tried something more subtle before we went all KKK TRUCKNUTZ! crazy on the place.
WickedWitch: I don’t think they’re talking about Hopey as much as, um, being on the downlow if you know I mean. Keywords “rich body,” “fruity” and “black”
I swear, it took me three reads to realize this wasn’t called “Gripers List.” True.
Gopherit: Extemporanus: And here’s ANOTHER LOGO that might work even better.
This one from Dallas cracks me up.
Wanted: Experienced Board Members for Evening News Broadcast (North Texas (location not yet selected))
Posted on: Sunday, 21 June, 2009 21:34
Updated On: Sunday, 21 June, 2009 21:35
Expires On: Tuesday, 21 July, 2009 21:34
Reply to: (Use contact form below)
Experienced men and women are wanted for board membership of a start-up national evening news broadcast. The program is still in the planning phase, and aims to be a part of a programing block for networks that don’t have one provided by the broadcast affiliate (FOX, CW, MyNetworkTV).
Previous experience in media or journalism aren’t required. Only real-world experience demonstrating management or leadership skills at any level are necessary.
This has all the ingredients to backfire & become source material for liberal (or possibly anti-hate) boycotts. Not unlike how the list of pro-Prop 8 contributors came back to bite a few businesses & people in their intolerant asses.
Gipperslist has so many anagrams.. I like ‘Rep Pigs List’. I think I’ll just refer to it as ‘Pigslist’ from now on.
Hooray For Anything: Oh please…like they use anything but Folgers instant…
President Beeblebrox: So now it’s unnamurkin to go to a coffee shop just to, you know, have coffee and *relax*? I have to share the experience with my annoying family and pay attention to the teevee? I already have a place for that, thx. It’s called home (now I’m thanking Gawd it’s not in or near Indiana).
wildturtlelove:
Have been looking for toothpicks made from raccoon penis bones
Sir, I write this with tears streaming down my face. That has to be the
greatest thing written ever, period, also.
Pickle: President Beeblebrox: What expected entitlement is this conservative cafe fucknutz talking about? Do all wingtards have the (mistaken) idea that we live in a true welfare state that just gives layabouts money when they can’t be bothered to work? You only get unemployment if you lose your job, not quit or get fired, and it doesn’t last very long. And welfare for extremely poor people, government cheese and all, plus maybe Section 8 housing, isn’t something the states exactly push on people. They’d much prefer to give nothing to those with nothing. Maybe Reagan’s welfare queen remark still resonates with this incurious, insulated morans.
Gopherit: Wait, I have to go to Phoenix for a good massage?
hobospacejunkie: You mean you haven’t gotten your Super-Secret Liberals-Only Government Check? Next time you’re at Starbuck’s, look at the underside of your cup. They usually tape it there. If you subscribe to the New Yorker, sometimes they’ll slip it in there, too.
This from Associated Content: “Contacting the site’s owners means emailing the ‘gippergirls’, which heralds the fact that conservatives are not fitting the stereotype of ‘old white men.’”
Email? Please.. Nancy, Babs and Roberta are there to answer all questions you might have using rotary phones while guzzling Ensure.
Smoke Filled Roommate: I like how Associated Content just assumes that the handle GipperGirls means they’re not old white men. Because no one has ever used the internet to disguise their actual identities.
That’s inducing a little bit of bile in the back of the throat.
Pickle: Obviously I should not take my laptop over there tomorrow to work on my novel while waiting for the mailman to deliver my unemployment check.
Also I like the second headline in the Recent Articles box: Conservative Cafe To Grow Liberally
Pickle: Realistically, Nancy, Babs & Roberta are old white men. Especially Barbara, so it works in either case.
Anyone up for making a LARRY CRAIGSLIST?
b2c says: Try Gipperslist!Try Gipperslist!
may i Leave a Reply
Godless Liberal: Stuck inside of Mobil with the Exxon blues again.
AKAM80TheWolf: Scary thing is hicks really do use bacula for tooth picks. Of course they tend not to have many teeth to pick.
Smoke Filled Roommate: they are actuall Norm, Bob, and Robert…
Absolutely gutted to see ‘miscellaneous” spelled right (i checked that first).
But skin ‘rejuvination’ did not disappoint. Under ‘Services - Beauty’