Mike Huckabee, in fatter daysPoor Southern hobo and the 2008 GOP primary’s most potent premature ejaculation, Mike Huckabee, first made waves on the national stage when his fat ass lost hundreds of pounds on some kind of “diet-and-exercise” regimen. He wrote a book about this and most people read it several times. Even through the hectic presidential campaign, Huckabee made sure to run his miles every morning, to preserve that sexy mass of dangling excess skin he had worked so tirelessly to create. But now, he claims, he is so busy criticizing Barack Obama that he has fallen off the wagon and will soon weigh millions of pounds again.

Perhaps the various political experts have urged Huckabee to give up this elitist “skinny” image he loves so much. While it may have helped him get his name in the papers at first, those days are over, and if he’s seriously considering another dash through the Republican primary calendar, base voters will connect more with a fat, sweaty slob.

Here’s what he told the folks at Oklahoma Christian University who came to hear him call Barack Obama a socialist:

Huckabee first gained national attention while he was governor of Arkansas and was admittedly overweight. While in office he began a running and diet regimen that enabled him to lose his extra weight.

He said keeping the weight off has been a struggle recently.

“It’s been hard the last several months because of the crazy schedule and I have had some issues with (feet),” Huckabee said. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.”

Weak sauce, Mike. We recommend you read a book called Quit Digging Your Grave With A Knife And Fork by Mike Huckabee. He stresses how important it is, no matter the circumstances, to force yourself to eat healthily and squeeze in exercise time — one small excuse, and it’s a slippery slope! (Well he probably writes something like that in his book, who the hell knows?)

Huckabee criticizes health care plans [Edmond Sun]

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  1. Hey Jim, could you please post that sexy Barry photo from last summer and run a poll??? “Who do you want running the country — “Six Pack Abs” or “Ate Six Racks o’Ribs?”

    Pretty Please????

  2. The next picture shows humane society folks using buckets to keep those striped whales wet. Sadly, they didn’t make it. Who wants whale burgers?

    Wait, those are human?

  3. I wonder why my family never took photos where we all wore the same clothes. I’m hoping it’s because we’re not backwoods corpulent goobers, but it’s probably more likely that it was ‘cuz we all hated each other. Stupid happy Christians.

  4. That family is an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant’s worst nightmare… He’s hurting the economy and putting restaurant employees out of business! Why doesn’t Mike Huckabee care about the economy or the American worker?

  5. [re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: I have some issues with my [man parts] and invite sexy [ladies] to help me investigate.

    [re=362488]Tommmcatt[/re]: Sexist. Remember: no Meghan-is-fat jokes. But it’s okay for the Huckster, huh? Honestly…this is Sanford/Ensign level hypocrisy.

  6. [re=362490]mephistopheles jefferson[/re]: My daughter’s inlaws took a picture like that – I think it’s the silliest thing I’ve ever seen.

  7. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road”

    What, are the possums more careful crossing at night now?

  8. Don’t flop over and die of a heart attack just yet, Huck— you need to live long enough to see Sarah Palin DESTROY your party.

  9. He could say being on the road is akin to being in a food desert and he can’t find any vegetables or fruits in those fancy French restaurants he is forced to eat in by those stinking lobbyists and private fund raising parties the Republicans have in private homes that they make him show up to. If he’d only go see Ste.Sarah in Alaska…she’d get him back runnin’, huntin’, and fishin’!

  10. The only thing shrinking in Huck’s world is the area of the country that’s inclined to vote for him. Those sections of the country also serve the most gawd-awful, deep-fried, calorific crap covered in greasy gravy. Hopey can just skip visiting those red-state places & continue stumping in elitist America where healthy food is served. Gimme those six-pack abs, thanks!

  11. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.”

    Come to Pennsylvania, Fat Man. We feature only the freshest road-kill.

  12. The all mighty Obama:

    Righteous fools Sanford and Ensign got caught banging women not their wives.
    Caribou Barbie spun herself into insanity due to criticism
    Walnuts fell off pretty much into obscurity
    Huntsman joined the Admin

    And now the Huckster’s getting scary fat again. No fat dudes for Prez since Taft. When I think of a fat Southerner politician, I think of Boss Hogg or Jabba The Hutt. Even Clinton had to run his flabby ass off to keep looking “presidential.”

    Who’s left?

    Ghouliani. If life was fair, he’d be caught with a male hustler dressed as a cop giving him “Ghouliani Time” aka billy club jammed up his ass.
    And Mittens. To steal a line from Red Dwarf. Being Mittens is not only his crime, but also his punishment.

  13. Well, Hucklefucks might have better luck with his diet if the goddamned chairman of the rNC weren’t suggesting that republicans eat fried chicken and potato salad…

  14. The new All-You-Can-Eat Panniculus Parmesan Platter™ at Huckabee’s® is really delicious, but for those watching their weight, I’d suggest ordering a Veggie Patch Fupa™ appetizer instead.

  15. [re=362499]V572625694[/re]:

    Shocked! I am shocked you would use the words “Megan” and “Fat” in the same sentence! Stop your mouth-rape, you!

    The word is embonpoint.

  16. That photo should be the new standard macular degeneration test, although it might cause acute symptoms from teh grossness.

  17. if he’s seriously considering another dash through the Republican primary calendar,

    There’s a Republican primary calendar? Is this like one of those firefighter’s calendars I get every year, with muscled hunks holding big hoses?

    Where can I get one?

  18. [re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Orrin Hatch has been binding Huckabee’s feet with rawhide and force-feeding him. Don’t ask why, it’s part of a secret CIA program. Oh, hell, let’s get it out in the open: it’s burgerboarding.

  19. [re=362489]nightshift[/re]: See the dinner table-ready reinforced elbow pads? Them ain’t barbershop quartet shirts—them is serious work shirts.

  20. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road…” Yeah, because why buy a banana or apple when you stop in at the local 7-11 when you can buy the loaded foot-long & cheese-covered pretzel along with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, a case of Ho Hos & a liter of diet Coke to wash it down.

  21. [re=362529]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Well, dang, his mom’s STRANGLIN’ a dog right there in that photo. Pro’ly fixin’ supper – her boys get kinda…cranky…when not fed reg’lar…..

  22. What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch? Huck huckety huck huck huck.

    Sophisticated Huck said “pig’s trotters,” but the minimun wage stringer ain’t never heard o’ that English delicacy, so we get feet instead. Pig’s trotters ain’t just a dog’s chew toy no more. Also, needs more roadkill.

  23. [re=362538]Todd Mecklem[/re]: Oh I was thinking it was a new GOPer thing called foldfucking. It’s not gay if you’re just fucking another man’s gut-folds, with two or three of your closest prayer buddies even, also, additionally.

  24. I feel hypocritical making fun of fat people, but I am quite willing to ridicule bad clothing, and those striped shirts look like surplus from some Cold War era mind control experiment.

  25. [re=362555]Crank Tango[/re]: Actually, a relatively new translation of the Pentateuch says otherwise – it is exactly foldfucking (thank you for the term!) which is prohibited in Leviticus.

  26. During the premature ejaculation phase of the 2008 campaign, I couldn’t look at Mike Huckabee without thinking to myself how it was that Gomer Pyle was running for president. One of his sons looks a lot like the late John Candy, too. The men in the family definitely need to have their weight mediated before it becomes a more severe health issue. We shouldn’t give anyone too much of a hard time for their weight though. If he slimmed down from the balloon weight in the picture, that’s impressive. I’d even say he’s Killin’ It!

  27. [re=362557]Min[/re]: I think the matching outfits, especially the striped shirts, makes the family look like either some folk group in the early 60’s or a wholesome pop band in the 70’s. You know, they could be “the Huckabees!” or “The Singing Fatsos” and they’d sing something like:

    Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’,
    c’mon get fatty
    A whole lotta Jesus’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
    c’mon get fatty

  28. [re=362520]Atheist Nun[/re]: HOW DARE YOU insult the Gracious BOUNTY of The Lord!

    How dare you insult those plump, pink, pious Hucklebeariees who are blessed – YEA, BLESSED to be invited to The Lord’s Table, abundant with the excesses of His Divine Grace, right there before you, platter after platter, forever and ever, awash in the Goodness and the Gravy of down-home, deep-fried, super-sized, salt-cured, corn-syrup-sweetened Heaven-scent God-is-Lovin’-from-the-oven SALVATION! AMEN!! Somebody say Hallelujah and pass the biscuits!!

  29. [re=362540]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: The Diet Coke prevents you from getting fat. You can eat a whole bucket of lard, but wash it down with DIET Coke: zero calories for the whole meal.

  30. The daughter looks like she is pained to be surrounded by so many tubby dipshits. She probably moved to California to date girls after high school.

  31. Breaking News: Mike Huckabee will hold a press conference stating that he had multiple affairs with triple meat Western Cheeseburgers. Also, he admits crossing the line with biggie sized french fries.

  32. There’s a bizarre bit at the end of the article:

    Huckabee’s arrival in Oklahoma didn’t come without a few hiccups. When he arrived in Oklahoma City from New York City he was informed his luggage had been sent to Minneapolis by mistake.

    Upon arrival here, Huckabee was forced to borrow some cowboy boots to wear from his daughter’s boyfriend to the OCU campus.

    No luggage, and all he borrows are boots? Is that all he wore to the talk? Is OCU some kind of nudist school?

  33. Hmm interesting. Looks like they have their shirts custom made at a tent factory.

    And what’s with the elbow pads? Elbow pads mean physical activity or manual labor. You don’t fool us , lardtrap!

  34. [re=362578]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: Diet Coke wipes out calories the same way oatmeal leeches cholesterol out of your bloodstream: not. But it sure would be nice!

  35. [re=362585]Bearbloke[/re]: Forks and knives? I don’t blame him for embellishing a bit.

    I guess the original title wasn’t as catchy:
    Quit Drowning yourself in the Huckabee Family Trough

  36. “Sir, would you like a thin mint?”

    “Fuck off, I’m full.”

    “Oh but sir, it is wafer-thin…”

    “All right. And bring me another bucket!”

  37. [re=362598]imissopus[/re]: if blingee came out with a wide screen version.
    Is it fat jokes all night? Can we mix it up with partially live-blogging Palin’s twattering? We might miss a good Lamar Alexander quote.

  38. Stately, plump Mike Huckabee came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of French fries on which a fork and knife lay crossed. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:
    — Introibo ad altare Dei.

    Mike Huckabee, stood on a stone, in blue-striped shirtsleeves, his unclipped tie rippling about his wide neck.
    A voice, sweettoned and sustained, called to him from the steakhouse. Turning from the cashier he waved his hand. It called again. A browned pot roast, far out beyond the salad bar..


  39. I thought vertical stripes were supposed to be slimming.

    So they say. But in this case, the unfortunate strobe effect caused by such a large amount of striped yardage sort of fills 3/4 of the picture and makes them even look more, um, Rubinesque.

  40. [re=362503]Bebe Loves You[/re]:
    The sons are there to balance Huck’s platform.
    And the wife? Time to takey uno trippo to land of the gouchos, Mikester.

  41. [re=362504]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That comment put my keyboard in terrible danger. But fear not, there is a bottomless pit of possums in the South. A large underground factory makes them and hurls them into the periphery of wooded areas so they can plunder garbage bags.

    Are you sure the picture isn’t really of a mediocre bluegrass band? Shouldn’t they be wearing straw hats?

  42. The Huckster ended his speech at Oklahoma Christian University with, “The deaf shall hear, the lame shall walk, the blind shall see*, but only if they have private insurance.”
    I just luvs them fundies. True Christians.

    *Acts 3:1-11.

  43. My lord! I wonder how large a carbon footprint that family creates? I’m sure if you set in a small room with just one of them you’d preclude the need for home heating. You put all the fat-fucks in one place and you could damn-near start a raging inferno.

    BTW, I don’t feel any sympathy for the boys, who are animal torturers.

  44. [re=362638]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Correction. Only one of his sons tortured a stray dog. The other ate it, with a side of cream slaw and a Diet Doctor Pepper.
    Please be accurate.

  45. [re=362611]S.Luggo[/re]:

    “…[Huckabee] held the bowl aloft and intoned:
    Introibo ad altare Dei.

    “…[Huckabee] held the bowl aloft and intoned:
    In nomine magni dei nostri Satanas, introibo ad altare Domini Inferi.


  46. Do these subgeniuses have a definition of “socialist”? Something more rigorous than “I don’t like it, it must be SOCIALIST!!” Real socialists whom I know do not accept Obamarama as a bro. (Haven’t asked yet at the World Socialist Web Site, but I’ll bet they don’t think bailing out banks is “socialist,” either.

    Zhu Bajie, enjoying life in sorta-socialist China

  47. [re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Can’t he afford a stationary bike? Or get his supporters to buy him one? Maybe even a real bike?

    Zhu Bajie

  48. [re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Can’t he afford a stationary bike? Or get his supporters to buy him one? [re=362503]Bebe Loves You[/re]: Maybe even a real bike?

    Zhu Bajie

  49. @zhubajie

    None of them understand socialism or communism theoretically. It’s all just RED SCARE, LITTLE RED BOOKS, COLLECTIVIZATION!! AHHHHHHHH THERE GOES MY PRIVATE COLLECTION OF BEANIE BABIESSSSSS! Into the backyard furnace with them!

    I think that most conservatives oppose *new* socialist programs (let’s not forget public education and firefighters are supported through taxes) simply because they’ll be helping people. This is why we cant have nice things.

  50. [re=362635]karen[/re]: I recall this line from Ronsrd’s “Cyrano de Bergerac”. The dueling scene. Or it might from an earlier, less adept translation.

  51. [re=362586]El Pinche[/re]: Those aren’t elbow pads — they’re stains from the blueberry pie.

    [re=362631]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: That’s amazing.

  52. Poor Mike. Doesn’t he know that Jesus hates fat people?
    In the Book of Moraneus 34:9-17:

    There was no wine, no bread in the village.
    Jesus commanded his disciples, “Bring forth the village fatty.”
    His disciples came back with a large man.
    Jesus spoke, “Daaaayam , now we know where all the food is going….outeth this man’s arse.”
    He then laid his hand on the obesite and turned him into fried chicken and potato salad.
    “Anyone got tabisco sauce up in this bitch?! ”

    Praise be to God.

  53. [re=362701]Gallowglass[/re]: I guess it depends on just how much you want to wipe your ass.. Given the design, I think a cheap imitation could be made with a paint roller and a roll of paper towels. [shudder]

  54. [re=362580]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: I bet the daughter is a wild slut. I have seen Footloose, so I know all about those wild preacher’s daughters and their sexytime.

  55. [re=362583]Mahousu[/re]: “Upon arrival here, Huckabee was forced to borrow some cowboy boots to wear from his daughter’s boyfriend to the OCU campus.”

    Alas, you’re reading that sentence as if written: “Upon arrival here, Huckabee was forced to borrow some cowboy boots from his daughter’s boyfriend to wear to the OCU campus.” The original clearly implies a “from point A” [daughter’s boyfriend] “to point B” [OCU campus] trajectory. One can only imagine the frisky shenanigans between the daughter’s boyfriend and Huckabee that involved the forced wearing of cowboy boots.

  56. [re=362519]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Excellent. I will now always and forever associate Mittens with Rimmer. Which is as it should be.

  57. What’s the difference between this case and all the other cases of Republicans screaming at us to follow the Ten Commandments and avoid the Seven Deadly Sins, then going home to pick them off one by one?

    It’s like a fucking sport.

  58. [re=362684]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]:
    [re=362729]proudgrampa[/re]: Oucheroo… it’s marketing genius, that thing. The ultimate in Republican design. It satisfies both GOP demographics… wiping butts for fatbeez, and with a simple dildo adapter, something for Senator “Miss Sissy” Graham.

  59. [re=362573]Bearbloke[/re]:

    Colonel Harland Sanders is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
    He maketh me to lie down in a Pre-Fab Chicken Franchise:
    He leadeth me beside the Soft Drink Machine.
    He restoreth my Comfort Food at Affordable Prices:
    He leadeth me in the paths of Mashed Potatoes and Gravy for His name’ sake.

    Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Souplantation,
    I will fear no evil: For thee 11 Secret Herbs and Spices art with me;
    Thy plastic Spork and thy Deep Fryer, they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a Chicken and Biscuit KFC Famous Bowl™ before me in the presence of mine enemies;
    Thou annointest my head with Trans Fats; My cup runneth over.

    Surely Extra Crispy and Original Recipe shall follow me all the days of my life,
    and I will dwell in The International House of Pancakes forever. Amen.


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