A Children's Treasury Of Wacky Media Inquiries About Mark Sanford's Sexy Disappearance

For several days in late June, Mark Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer had just about the worst job ever, having to deal with every national reporter and local legislator asking about Sanford's whereabouts -- which he did not know and could not find out, because Mark Sanford makes sure to turn off his cellphone when he's sexing Argentine Firecrackers, which is always. What hilarious e-mails did Sawyer receive during these mysterious times, from the terrible media, and Stephen Colbert? Thanks to a successful open records request from South Carolina'sThe Statenewspaper, we now present a Children's Treasury of several!

Ever wonder what intrepid reportorial mind games the Washington Post 's Chris Cillizza uses to procure "The Fix" on a daily basis? He just asks, hey, brosef, what up playaaaa?

Stephen Colbert, meanwhile, writes in-character for portions of his media requests, because why not? He also offer to treat the story lightly, because he is a comedian who hosts a comedy show.

Fox News doesn't air comedy shows, however, so its correspondent had to maintain the station's rigorous journalistic ethics in a pitch, which may not even be a pitch, but is still very Objective:

Having known the Governor for years and even worked with him when he would host radio shows for me — I find this story and the media frenzy surrounding it to be absolutely ridiculous! Please give him my best.

More super-objective was the Washington Times staffer's pitch, which was essentially some guy screaming "WE HAVE AN INSANE CONSERVATIVE BIAS IN POLITICS."

A staffer with The Washington Times wrote in an e-mail that “if you all want to speak on this publicly, you’re welcome to Washington Times Radio. You know that you will be on friendly ground here!”

The point is, never send a private e-mail to Mark Sanford's office. Also, don't be an asshole.

 Sanford’s office couldn't locate missing governor [The State]