For several days in late June, Mark Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer had just about the worst job ever, having to deal with every national reporter and local legislator asking about Sanford’s whereabouts — which he did not know and could not find out, because Mark Sanford makes sure to turn off his cellphone when he’s sexing Argentine Firecrackers, which is always. What hilarious e-mails did Sawyer receive during these mysterious times, from the terrible media, and Stephen Colbert? Thanks to a successful open records request from South Carolina’s The State newspaper, we now present a Children’s Treasury of several!

Ever wonder what intrepid reportorial mind games the Washington Post‘s Chris Cillizza uses to procure “The Fix” on a daily basis? He just asks, hey, brosef, what up playaaaa?

Stephen Colbert, meanwhile, writes in-character for portions of his media requests, because why not? He also offer to treat the story lightly, because he is a comedian who hosts a comedy show.

Fox News doesn’t air comedy shows, however, so its correspondent had to maintain the station’s rigorous journalistic ethics in a pitch, which may not even be a pitch, but is still very Objective:

Having known the Governor for years and even worked with him when he would host radio shows for me — I find this story and the media frenzy surrounding it to be absolutely ridiculous! Please give him my best.

More super-objective was the Washington Times staffer’s pitch, which was essentially some guy screaming “WE HAVE AN INSANE CONSERVATIVE BIAS IN POLITICS.”

A staffer with The Washington Times wrote in an e-mail that “if you all want to speak on this publicly, you’re welcome to Washington Times Radio. You know that you will be on friendly ground here!”

The point is, never send a private e-mail to Mark Sanford’s office. Also, don’t be an asshole.

Sanford’s office couldn’t locate missing governor [The State]

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  1. Joel – If you do talk to the governor (he must have his BB turned off, he’s not answering me!) and he’s “hiking the Appalachian Trail” (he’ll know what you mean), tell him I know a “back route” (he’ll know what you mean) and to meet me at the comfort station at mile 11 on the “Brown Trail” (he’ll know what you mean).


    Sen Craig

    Sent from my BlackBerry while resting at the Boise airport

  2. The governor allowed some economic development initiatives to take a back seat during his secret trip. Sanford was invited to — but turned down — a dinner invitation June 24 with representatives from a company looking to expand its S.C. operation, according to e-mail records.

    Because really — South Carolina’s doing just fine, and if some company wants to expand its business there, it’s nothing to get the governor involved in.

  3. South Carolina state politicians and their staffs know how to use email?!

    I’d always assumed they communicated via chalk-drawn hobo signs and hand-whittled duck calls.

  4. There should be an official status for politicians: missing – presumed fucked; the Ass-Fucking Alert status level is orange; the Vans-a-Rockin’ level is at the two foot mark. People want to know these things.

  5. “Dude, is everything okay?” WAY TO GET AFTER THE BIG STORY.

    Tom Ricks, bought out. Robin Wright, bought out. Dan Froomkin, fired. Chris Cillizza? Gainfully employed. Nice work, WaPo.

  6. Thank goodness, we are back to Mark Sanford but I have an Ensign question-did his girlfriend’s family keep the money from his parents? Does that mean she is a really expensive hooker?

  7. Faux Nutwork objective reportage:

    Bill Clinton pretty much forced an underage intern to give him blow job in the Oval Office. Outrageously, the President was unavailable for duty for approx. 10 minutes, and it caused our nation’s innocent children to have to confront the scourge of adult sexy-time. Impeach him!!! Pitchforks at the ready!

    Mark Sanford, responsible Republican SC Gov. & loving Christian husband and father of four, left the country for 10 days, one of which was Father’s Day, without telling anyone anything and leaving no one in charge, so that he engage 24/7 in adultrous sexy-time w/his Argentine loverlady. So shut up already. Nothing to see here; move along. Can you believe how outrageous the eeeevul librul media is in even mentioning this non-event? Stone them!

  8. Anyone who’d rather spend his time in a stuffy governor’s office than in a torrid South American love nest is exhibiting questionable decision-making skills–though it is winter down south now, not the most inviting time to be hanging around Buenos Aires. Maybe “Mark Twain” Sanford, the Not-So-Innocent Abroad, can set up a system where he spend half of each year as a Responsible Republican Politician (RRP) and the other half upholding Philandering Expat Republican Values (PERV).

  9. Gov. Sanford:

    The Appalachian Trail is truly America’s Backbone – Scotch Irish values, coal, TBS viewers. It is symbolic of the rugged landscape and wholesome freedom our Forebears envisioned for us, as their Noble Experiment must surely have demonstrated. Also, I hear the surrounding subdivisions in exurban Georgia are simply breathtaking. Please send Polaroid facsimiles when you return to office.

    David Brooks

  10. “Fox News doesn’t air comedy shows”

    Jim? You want to claim Fox News doesn’t air comedy shows? Have you watched Fox News? You can’t seriously claim those aren’t dadaesque satirical comedies can you?


    “New Saxon

    Hi ShortsandPants,
    Your membership has been approved at: New Saxon !
    Please click on the link to login to your account”

    If you know what New Saxon is, you are pretty much obligated to join the trolling effort.

  12. [re=362416]bitchincamaro[/re]: just now read about this fantastic story, regarding the New Money Model for Printed Media. This is so much funnier in context!

  13. [re=362430]paintitblack[/re]: Outrageously, the President was unavailable for duty for approx. 10 minutes

    In fact, that is not even true. If you read the Starr Report, you’ll learn that in fact not only did Clinton get blown in the Oval Office, but he SPOKE ON THE PHONE WITH A MEMBER OF CONGRESS while Monica was working her magic. (You’ll also learn from the index that there was significant oral-anal contact, but that is an entire other story.) Seriously, kids, the full Starr Report is a great read.

  14. Here, from the Governor’s Office, is the official request for an interview from The Weekly World News:

    Weekly World News: Is it true that the Governor is hiking in Argentina with the South American Bigfoot?

    Press Secretary: Is that a slam on the Governor’s girlfriend?

    WWN: The what?

    Press Secretary; Yes, yes, of course–the Governor is indeed hiking in Argentina with the legendary Bigfoot, who, as it turns out, summers in Argentina, when not scaring people in the Pacific Northwest forests.

    WWN: Can you get an interview with Bigfoot for us?

    Press Secretary: Bigfoot is an animal–he does not talk.

    WWN: So you’re confirming that Bigfoot is a male?

    Press Secretary: I didn’t say that.

    WWN: Thank you! Our story about the Governor going on a romantic hike with a male Bigfoot creature in Argentina will be up on our web site in….three minutes.

    Press Secretary: Wha–? Hey..Uh. Hello?! Hello?! Hello?! Oh, shi—-

    Transmission ended.

  15. Fox News doesn’t air comedy shows,

    Make that “Fox News doesn’t intentionally air comedy shows”. I watched about 13 seconds of their so-called “Comedy Half Hour” once. It was exactly the same dialogue they have on their regular “news” shows. Only said with a more pronounced sneer. Comic gold, I tell ya.

  16. [re=362461]Dave J.[/re]: ha ha. I stand corrected and thank you (I think) for all of that stunning detail. In a prior post today, I called Ken Starr a pRon masturbator, and you have proven me right! And now: ewww, ick, yech, too much information!

  17. And why isn’t there an e-mail from Wonkette in there? Sleeping off another drunking binge while the the “journalists” do all the hard work of sending e-mail? Hmmm?

    I demand that Wonkette start sending ridiculous requests for interviews to all politicians in trouble. Wonkette deserves to be in the official public records of every government crisis!

  18. [re=362426]finallyhappy[/re]: I dunno, but aren’t most Republican women more or less like expensive hookers? I mean: who would want to marry most Republican men except for the money?

  19. [re=362424]GDuvall[/re]: Cilizza regularly appears on Countdown w/KO and without fail offers absolutely nothing of substance apart from his super-annoying lisp. That boy’s tongue got a mind of its own, and neither Chris nor the Good Lord can make it do nothin’ it don’t wanna do.

  20. [re=362456]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    There’s a blog post on that site quoting a pretend news item from, which is apparently an onion-esque site, that’s headlined “Obama Says Sotomayor’s ‘Castrate White Males’ Comment’ Taken Out of Context”.

    The blogger apparently thinks that Sotomayor really said that and is outraged.

    I haz a sad.

  21. [re=362456]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Click on the shop links- the “Adolf Hitler European Tour 1939-1945” t-shirt is the most popular one they sell. Really, it’s no wonder–I love that band! Although they totally sold out with their later stuff…

  22. [re=362430]paintitblack[/re]: [re=362461]Dave J.[/re]: The night the Starr report was released, we printed out a copy and had a HUGE drinking party and barbecue and skimmed through the pages looking for super-sexy stuff, read them aloud then burned the whole damn thing.To think that A-hole is now living it up in California…ugh… Paintit: Funny stuff. “…move along, nothing to see here”…

  23. Chris Cillizza: Dude, is everything OK?

    Joel Sawyer: No, man. I’m totally freaking out, here. I am so high, right now, it’s scary. I’m floating; please come and get me down. I’m serious.

    Chris: Ok, bra, I totally got you. You’re not going anywhere, but you’ve got to put the brownies down.

    Joel: But, if I put it down, surely, I’ll float away?

    Chris: Put down the fuckin’ brownie, douche bag!

  24. [re=362609]assistant/atlas[/re]: “the “Adolf Hitler European Tour 1939-1945″ t-shirt is the most popular one they sell. Well, OK, but his rookie card was worth lebenty-leben trillion-zilliion Weimar Duetsche Marks.

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