OP-ART BY LAURI APPLE  11:53 am July 14, 2009

Who Groped David Brooks?

by Sara K. Smith

Was Brooks in diapers? Important question.Even though we attended The Week‘s Opinion Awards with David Brooks a few months back and very much looked forward to making pleasant conversation with him over the lobster thermidor, we got stuck in the back with some old gents who did not believe anybody could blog “for a living.” But if we had sat next to David Brooks, we probably would have laid a hand on his juicy amber thigh — so who can blame whatever Republican senator it was that did this thing once?

Oh and by the way WHO WAS THAT REPUBLICAN? Chicago street thug Lauri Apple offers up a few tantalizing possibilities.

Santorum, probably.

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Crank Tango July 14, 2009 at 11:56 am

Today, we all groped David Brooks.

choinski July 14, 2009 at 11:58 am

It was Larry Craig disguised as Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Godot July 14, 2009 at 12:00 pm

No Mark Sanford? Brooks must have known it wasn’t him when he didn’t feel that sparkin’ thing.

OzoneTom July 14, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Miss McConnell?

freakishlystrong July 14, 2009 at 12:02 pm

My $$ is on Lindz, when she comes out, girlfriend comes OUT….

liquiddaddy July 14, 2009 at 12:04 pm

How could anyone resist the supple feel of Brook’s latex body suit?

Redpony July 14, 2009 at 12:04 pm

That drawing of Lindsey Graham, with his fleshy pink lips and doughy countenance, is … making me salivate.

Doglessliberal July 14, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Why risk a grope for David Brooks? I mean, really, save the risk of humiliation for a squeeze of Anderson Cooper’s thigh. But maybe part of the appeal was that there was no chance of reciprocation.

slappypaddy July 14, 2009 at 12:05 pm

So did the groper find poor David’s cojones, because I figure they must be missing if he tolerated the groping. Unless, of course, he liked it, and that’s okay with me, don’t get me wrong, I just want to be clear on what happened and what the issues are. Are there any?

ph7 July 14, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Orrin Hatch, checking to see if Brooks was wearing magic underpants, too.

Servo July 14, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Willem Dafoe. It was group grope.

hobospacejunkie July 14, 2009 at 12:10 pm

I read somewhere (maybe here?) that the dinner was in Pennsyltucky so it probably was either Santorum or Spector, but maybe there were other gropey senators in attendance. I can’t claim an unfaulty memory, but with that hard piece of information at my side I’m going with Santorum. He’s gay as the day is long. And I don’t think this was one of those displays of power that dogs do and Spanish priests did to the natives here 500 years ago, where they buttsecksed the natives to show ‘em who’s boss but wouldn’t necessarily be thought of as homosexual. Not least because the term did not come into common usage until 3-400 years later. Though I’m sure the priests enjoyed it regardless.

AbeServer July 14, 2009 at 12:10 pm

I believe it was John McCain…who mistook Brooks for Maureen Dowd

blader July 14, 2009 at 12:12 pm

I do not believe there was a grope. His is a desperate plea for help, kinda like that girl who didn’t get raped by that big buck negro, but not exactly.

dippinkind July 14, 2009 at 12:14 pm

anagram for Lamar Alexander: A Learned Lax Arm. HMMMMMMMMMMmmmm…

Bypartizoa July 14, 2009 at 12:15 pm

This can’t be that hard to figure out. Surely somebody saw who was sitting next to Brooks. If they can track down Sanford’s hottie, surely some “investigative journalism” can get to the heart of this. My money’s on Lindsey, by the way.

blackdontcrack July 14, 2009 at 12:17 pm

john thune groped my thigh once…with his eyes!

bitchincamaro July 14, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Larry Craig. In the dining room. With a shoe.

V572625694 July 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm

TPM was asking who benefits? In other words, what senator has something Brooks wants? Can’t see it being Santorum, who’s out of office forever now and therefore can share no juicy secrets w/Brooks.

snideinplainsight July 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Lindsey – that’s kind of a girl’s name, isn’t it?

dum librul July 14, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Not a senator, but my money is on Boehner, who mistakenly believed it to be his own thigh. It’s all orange in the middle, right?

Combover July 14, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Anagrams!!! Rick Santorum = ‘Croak Rim Nuts’.

Smoke Filled Roommate July 14, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Ten bucks says it was Saxby Chambliss.

snideinplainsight July 14, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Maybe they were just confused by the fuschia tie -

thefrontpage July 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm

John Ensign.

charlesdegoal July 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Brooks describes congressmen as “lonely freaks” if I heard him correctly, who will grab and grope anything that moves when not just wanking in a corner. A sad picture that Ms. Sotomayor may want to keep in mind during the “hearings”. Rather than trying to find the culprit in this case, it may be worth investigating who else – besides pages – has been the victim of their bizarre ways.

Min July 14, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Does Sarcozy have any Republican relatives in the Senate?

shortsshortsshorts July 14, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Can’t we break from the obvious choices and admit that [re=361876]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: it was Chambliss, everyone?

ph7 July 14, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=361876]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: It does run in the Chambliss family. The queer gene, that is.

El Pinche July 14, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=361853]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Yes, I too believe that Santorectum raped Brook’s thigh.

“DADDY’S GAY??!!!!! BWAAAAWWWWWWAAAH!” That press conference would make my year.

dijetlo July 14, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Dave…Boo…you’re fucking it up for Peggy Nooonan, Kathleen Parker and Ann Coulter. These girls have to make a living too, you know. Nobody is going to buy the milk if you keep giving it away for free.
For the first time in my life, I’m wishing I was born a retard, then I could be a Conservative Republican Senator and every time I spoke to a female member of the conservative intelligentsia, I’d be cold rollin’ their rack back and forth between my hands.
” What was that Ms. Parker…the situation in Afghanistan? Well, arch your back a little while I think about that one, ‘kay?”

rereridiculous July 14, 2009 at 12:39 pm

B-B-But Clinton did it!
Wait, what?

Noonan July 14, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Tom Coburn. He was an inner-thighologist before becoming la plus grande douche du Senat (in honor of those crazy revolutionaries).

Holy Cow!! July 14, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Mitch McConnell.

Everyone in Kentucky knows he’s queer as a football bat.

Tommmcatt July 14, 2009 at 12:49 pm

The reanimated corpse of Strom Thurmond for $15, Wink.

hobospacejunkie July 14, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=361866]V572625694[/re]: I thought the dinner took place when Santorum was a senator, so his groping would’ve been relevant at the time. I am not completely sure about this, though.

finallyhappy July 14, 2009 at 12:52 pm

[re=361847]Doglessliberal[/re]: I’d squeeze Anderson Cooper’s thing- I mean thigh.

Extemporanus July 14, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Thanks for the awesome print-&-cut peek-a-boo pickle penis puppet, Lauri! It fits grea…err, did fit great.

Think you could do another one in “super excited size?”

a4phantom July 14, 2009 at 12:52 pm

David, you gotta bend the fingers back till you hear them snap.

hobospacejunkie July 14, 2009 at 12:56 pm

[re=361918]Holy Cow!![/re]: And his face is melting off.

ph7 July 14, 2009 at 12:58 pm

[re=361918]Holy Cow!![/re]: You could be on to something..

ForTheTurnstiles July 14, 2009 at 12:59 pm

[re=361918]Holy Cow!![/re]: Beat me to it. He’s Larry Craig with no chin.

Humpback July 14, 2009 at 1:00 pm

Colonel Senator Mustard, in the Dining Room, with the latex glove.

Todd Mecklem July 14, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Y’all must be wearing gay goggles. What happened to the days when a manly straight man could give a manly pat on the thigh to another manly straight man? Or a manly pat on the butt? Or do a little manly wrestling, and–is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

Vermonster July 14, 2009 at 1:04 pm

BitchinCamaro- Larry Craig. In the bathroom. With a shoe.

Fixed that for you.

gjdodger July 14, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Chuck Grassley. He was trying to find either Brooks’ tit or Kent Conrad’s wife.

Pompous Magnus July 14, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Tommmcatt is right!!!

It was Strom Thurmond! It was always Strom, all along. …all along the watchtower that is.

…and by “watchtower,” I mean “Brooksie’s Thigh!”

schvitzatura July 14, 2009 at 1:10 pm

ThighMaster will give Dave Brooks excellent results…in lieu of a Senatorial deep femurgroping! (Warning: PTLFW…potentially too loud for workplace)

Doglessliberal July 14, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=361928]finallyhappy[/re]: get in line

WadISay July 14, 2009 at 1:12 pm

It was Bill Frist, performing a gratuitous pelvic exam.

donner_froh July 14, 2009 at 1:15 pm

[re=361853]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Best non-segue from Santorum thigh pressing to priestly butt raping of Indians 400 years ago evah!

S.Luggo July 14, 2009 at 1:17 pm

It was that tramp Joe Lieberman.

schvitzatura July 14, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=361858]blader[/re]: Dave needed his chiffonier wardrobe busted up?

Who done it, who done it?

Monsieur Grumpe July 14, 2009 at 1:31 pm

It was Helen Thomas. Dave Brooks won’t fess up becuase he’s looking for attention.

sezme July 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Saxby Chambliss and his gang of happy hooligans took turns dry humping Brooks’ leg under the table all night in order to prove once and for all that they’re NOT gay.

BobTheBuilder July 14, 2009 at 5:09 pm

I feel really sorry for David Brooks, having to sit there through the whole dinner just continuing to let that Republican Senator grope and fondle the inside of his thigh – without being able to just get up and leave.

Erections can be so inconvenient.

Extemporanus July 14, 2009 at 5:55 pm

[re=361885]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I agree. And I’ll add that Max Cleland never would’ve put his hand on David Brook’s inner thigh.

His stump, maybe, but never his hand.

LoweredPeninsula July 15, 2009 at 2:15 am

Has no one else made mention that the cartoons don’t look like men, very much, but every masculine women? Hell, the drawing of Lindsay looks like an older Julie Andrews.

Smoke Filled Roommate July 15, 2009 at 4:10 am

[re=362682]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Yeah, and Santorum kinda looks like Rachel Maddow..

zhubajie July 16, 2009 at 6:24 am

Better question: who DIDN’T grope Dave?

Zhu Bajie

geek July 19, 2009 at 8:09 pm

someone who was for a “contribution”

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