op-art by lauri apple

Who Groped David Brooks?

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Was Brooks in diapers? Important question.Even though we attended The Week‘s Opinion Awards with David Brooks a few months back and very much looked forward to making pleasant conversation with him over the lobster thermidor, we got stuck in the back with some old gents who did not believe anybody could blog “for a living.” But if we had sat next to David Brooks, we probably would have laid a hand on his juicy amber thigh — so who can blame whatever Republican senator it was that did this thing once?

Oh and by the way WHO WAS THAT REPUBLICAN? Chicago street thug Lauri Apple offers up a few tantalizing possibilities.

Santorum, probably.

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Crank Tango

    Today, we all groped David Brooks.

  • choinski

    It was Larry Craig disguised as Kay Bailey Hutchinson

  • Godot

    No Mark Sanford? Brooks must have known it wasn’t him when he didn’t feel that sparkin’ thing.

  • OzoneTom

    Miss McConnell?

  • freakishlystrong

    My $$ is on Lindz, when she comes out, girlfriend comes OUT….

  • liquiddaddy

    How could anyone resist the supple feel of Brook’s latex body suit?

  • Redpony

    That drawing of Lindsey Graham, with his fleshy pink lips and doughy countenance, is … making me salivate.

  • Doglessliberal

    Why risk a grope for David Brooks? I mean, really, save the risk of humiliation for a squeeze of Anderson Cooper’s thigh. But maybe part of the appeal was that there was no chance of reciprocation.

  • slappypaddy

    So did the groper find poor David’s cojones, because I figure they must be missing if he tolerated the groping. Unless, of course, he liked it, and that’s okay with me, don’t get me wrong, I just want to be clear on what happened and what the issues are. Are there any?

  • ph7

    Orrin Hatch, checking to see if Brooks was wearing magic underpants, too.

  • Servo

    Willem Dafoe. It was group grope.

  • hobospacejunkie

    I read somewhere (maybe here?) that the dinner was in Pennsyltucky so it probably was either Santorum or Spector, but maybe there were other gropey senators in attendance. I can’t claim an unfaulty memory, but with that hard piece of information at my side I’m going with Santorum. He’s gay as the day is long. And I don’t think this was one of those displays of power that dogs do and Spanish priests did to the natives here 500 years ago, where they buttsecksed the natives to show ’em who’s boss but wouldn’t necessarily be thought of as homosexual. Not least because the term did not come into common usage until 3-400 years later. Though I’m sure the priests enjoyed it regardless.

  • AbeServer

    I believe it was John McCain…who mistook Brooks for Maureen Dowd

  • blader

    I do not believe there was a grope. His is a desperate plea for help, kinda like that girl who didn’t get raped by that big buck negro, but not exactly.

  • dippinkind

    anagram for Lamar Alexander: A Learned Lax Arm. HMMMMMMMMMMmmmm…

  • Bypartizoa

    This can’t be that hard to figure out. Surely somebody saw who was sitting next to Brooks. If they can track down Sanford’s hottie, surely some “investigative journalism” can get to the heart of this. My money’s on Lindsey, by the way.

  • blackdontcrack

    john thune groped my thigh once…with his eyes!

  • bitchincamaro

    Larry Craig. In the dining room. With a shoe.

  • V572625694

    TPM was asking who benefits? In other words, what senator has something Brooks wants? Can’t see it being Santorum, who’s out of office forever now and therefore can share no juicy secrets w/Brooks.

  • snideinplainsight

    Lindsey – that’s kind of a girl’s name, isn’t it?

  • dum librul

    Not a senator, but my money is on Boehner, who mistakenly believed it to be his own thigh. It’s all orange in the middle, right?

  • Combover

    Anagrams!!! Rick Santorum = ‘Croak Rim Nuts’.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    Ten bucks says it was Saxby Chambliss.

  • snideinplainsight

    Maybe they were just confused by the fuschia tie –

  • thefrontpage

    John Ensign.

  • charlesdegoal

    Brooks describes congressmen as “lonely freaks” if I heard him correctly, who will grab and grope anything that moves when not just wanking in a corner. A sad picture that Ms. Sotomayor may want to keep in mind during the “hearings”. Rather than trying to find the culprit in this case, it may be worth investigating who else – besides pages – has been the victim of their bizarre ways.

  • Min

    Does Sarcozy have any Republican relatives in the Senate?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Can’t we break from the obvious choices and admit that [re=361876]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: it was Chambliss, everyone?

  • ph7

    [re=361876]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: It does run in the Chambliss family. The queer gene, that is.

  • El Pinche

    [re=361853]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Yes, I too believe that Santorectum raped Brook’s thigh.

    “DADDY’S GAY??!!!!! BWAAAAWWWWWWAAAH!” That press conference would make my year.

  • dijetlo

    Dave…Boo…you’re fucking it up for Peggy Nooonan, Kathleen Parker and Ann Coulter. These girls have to make a living too, you know. Nobody is going to buy the milk if you keep giving it away for free.
    For the first time in my life, I’m wishing I was born a retard, then I could be a Conservative Republican Senator and every time I spoke to a female member of the conservative intelligentsia, I’d be cold rollin’ their rack back and forth between my hands.
    ” What was that Ms. Parker…the situation in Afghanistan? Well, arch your back a little while I think about that one, ‘kay?”

  • rereridiculous

    B-B-But Clinton did it!
    Wait, what?

  • Noonan

    Tom Coburn. He was an inner-thighologist before becoming la plus grande douche du Senat (in honor of those crazy revolutionaries).

  • Holy Cow!!

    Mitch McConnell.

    Everyone in Kentucky knows he’s queer as a football bat.

  • Tommmcatt

    The reanimated corpse of Strom Thurmond for $15, Wink.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=361866]V572625694[/re]: I thought the dinner took place when Santorum was a senator, so his groping would’ve been relevant at the time. I am not completely sure about this, though.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=361847]Doglessliberal[/re]: I’d squeeze Anderson Cooper’s thing- I mean thigh.

  • Extemporanus

    Thanks for the awesome print-&-cut peek-a-boo pickle penis puppet, Lauri! It fits grea…err, did fit great.

    Think you could do another one in “super excited size?”

  • a4phantom

    David, you gotta bend the fingers back till you hear them snap.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=361918]Holy Cow!![/re]: And his face is melting off.

  • ph7

    [re=361918]Holy Cow!![/re]: You could be on to something..

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=361918]Holy Cow!![/re]: Beat me to it. He’s Larry Craig with no chin.

  • Humpback

    Colonel Senator Mustard, in the Dining Room, with the latex glove.

  • Todd Mecklem

    Y’all must be wearing gay goggles. What happened to the days when a manly straight man could give a manly pat on the thigh to another manly straight man? Or a manly pat on the butt? Or do a little manly wrestling, and–is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

  • Vermonster

    BitchinCamaro- Larry Craig. In the bathroom. With a shoe.

    Fixed that for you.

  • gjdodger

    Chuck Grassley. He was trying to find either Brooks’ tit or Kent Conrad’s wife.

  • Pompous Magnus

    Tommmcatt is right!!!

    It was Strom Thurmond! It was always Strom, all along. …all along the watchtower that is.

    …and by “watchtower,” I mean “Brooksie’s Thigh!”

  • schvitzatura

    ThighMaster will give Dave Brooks excellent results…in lieu of a Senatorial deep femurgroping! (Warning: PTLFW…potentially too loud for workplace)

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=361928]finallyhappy[/re]: get in line

  • WadISay

    It was Bill Frist, performing a gratuitous pelvic exam.

  • donner_froh

    [re=361853]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Best non-segue from Santorum thigh pressing to priestly butt raping of Indians 400 years ago evah!

  • S.Luggo

    It was that tramp Joe Lieberman.

  • schvitzatura

    [re=361858]blader[/re]: Dave needed his chiffonier wardrobe busted up?

    Who done it, who done it?

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    It was Helen Thomas. Dave Brooks won’t fess up becuase he’s looking for attention.

  • sezme

    Saxby Chambliss and his gang of happy hooligans took turns dry humping Brooks’ leg under the table all night in order to prove once and for all that they’re NOT gay.

  • BobTheBuilder

    I feel really sorry for David Brooks, having to sit there through the whole dinner just continuing to let that Republican Senator grope and fondle the inside of his thigh – without being able to just get up and leave.

    Erections can be so inconvenient.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=361885]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I agree. And I’ll add that Max Cleland never would’ve put his hand on David Brook’s inner thigh.

    His stump, maybe, but never his hand.

  • LoweredPeninsula

    Has no one else made mention that the cartoons don’t look like men, very much, but every masculine women? Hell, the drawing of Lindsay looks like an older Julie Andrews.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=362682]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Yeah, and Santorum kinda looks like Rachel Maddow..

  • zhubajie

    Better question: who DIDN’T grope Dave?

    Zhu Bajie

  • geek

    someone who was for a “contribution”