op-art by lauri apple

Who Groped David Brooks?

Was Brooks in diapers? Important question.Even though we attended The Week‘s Opinion Awards with David Brooks a few months back and very much looked forward to making pleasant conversation with him over the lobster thermidor, we got stuck in the back with some old gents who did not believe anybody could blog “for a living.” But if we had sat next to David Brooks, we probably would have laid a hand on his juicy amber thigh — so who can blame whatever Republican senator it was that did this thing once?

Oh and by the way WHO WAS THAT REPUBLICAN? Chicago street thug Lauri Apple offers up a few tantalizing possibilities.

Santorum, probably.

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith
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  1. Godot

    No Mark Sanford? Brooks must have known it wasn’t him when he didn’t feel that sparkin’ thing.

  2. Redpony

    That drawing of Lindsey Graham, with his fleshy pink lips and doughy countenance, is … making me salivate.

  3. Doglessliberal

    Why risk a grope for David Brooks? I mean, really, save the risk of humiliation for a squeeze of Anderson Cooper’s thigh. But maybe part of the appeal was that there was no chance of reciprocation.

  4. slappypaddy

    So did the groper find poor David’s cojones, because I figure they must be missing if he tolerated the groping. Unless, of course, he liked it, and that’s okay with me, don’t get me wrong, I just want to be clear on what happened and what the issues are. Are there any?

  5. hobospacejunkie

    I read somewhere (maybe here?) that the dinner was in Pennsyltucky so it probably was either Santorum or Spector, but maybe there were other gropey senators in attendance. I can’t claim an unfaulty memory, but with that hard piece of information at my side I’m going with Santorum. He’s gay as the day is long. And I don’t think this was one of those displays of power that dogs do and Spanish priests did to the natives here 500 years ago, where they buttsecksed the natives to show ‘em who’s boss but wouldn’t necessarily be thought of as homosexual. Not least because the term did not come into common usage until 3-400 years later. Though I’m sure the priests enjoyed it regardless.

  6. blader

    I do not believe there was a grope. His is a desperate plea for help, kinda like that girl who didn’t get raped by that big buck negro, but not exactly.

  7. Bypartizoa

    This can’t be that hard to figure out. Surely somebody saw who was sitting next to Brooks. If they can track down Sanford’s hottie, surely some “investigative journalism” can get to the heart of this. My money’s on Lindsey, by the way.

  8. V572625694

    TPM was asking who benefits? In other words, what senator has something Brooks wants? Can’t see it being Santorum, who’s out of office forever now and therefore can share no juicy secrets w/Brooks.

  9. dum librul

    Not a senator, but my money is on Boehner, who mistakenly believed it to be his own thigh. It’s all orange in the middle, right?

  10. charlesdegoal

    Brooks describes congressmen as “lonely freaks” if I heard him correctly, who will grab and grope anything that moves when not just wanking in a corner. A sad picture that Ms. Sotomayor may want to keep in mind during the “hearings”. Rather than trying to find the culprit in this case, it may be worth investigating who else – besides pages – has been the victim of their bizarre ways.

  11. shortsshortsshorts

    Can’t we break from the obvious choices and admit that [re=361876]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: it was Chambliss, everyone?

  12. ph7

    [re=361876]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: It does run in the Chambliss family. The queer gene, that is.

  13. dijetlo

    Dave…Boo…you’re fucking it up for Peggy Nooonan, Kathleen Parker and Ann Coulter. These girls have to make a living too, you know. Nobody is going to buy the milk if you keep giving it away for free.
    For the first time in my life, I’m wishing I was born a retard, then I could be a Conservative Republican Senator and every time I spoke to a female member of the conservative intelligentsia, I’d be cold rollin’ their rack back and forth between my hands.
    ” What was that Ms. Parker…the situation in Afghanistan? Well, arch your back a little while I think about that one, ‘kay?”

  14. Noonan

    Tom Coburn. He was an inner-thighologist before becoming la plus grande douche du Senat (in honor of those crazy revolutionaries).

  15. hobospacejunkie

    [re=361866]V572625694[/re]: I thought the dinner took place when Santorum was a senator, so his groping would’ve been relevant at the time. I am not completely sure about this, though.

  16. finallyhappy

    [re=361847]Doglessliberal[/re]: I’d squeeze Anderson Cooper’s thing- I mean thigh.

  17. Extemporanus

    Thanks for the awesome print-&-cut peek-a-boo pickle penis puppet, Lauri! It fits grea…err, did fit great.

    Think you could do another one in “super excited size?”

  18. Todd Mecklem

    Y’all must be wearing gay goggles. What happened to the days when a manly straight man could give a manly pat on the thigh to another manly straight man? Or a manly pat on the butt? Or do a little manly wrestling, and–is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

  19. Pompous Magnus

    Tommmcatt is right!!!

    It was Strom Thurmond! It was always Strom, all along. …all along the watchtower that is.

    …and by “watchtower,” I mean “Brooksie’s Thigh!”

  20. schvitzatura

    ThighMaster will give Dave Brooks excellent results…in lieu of a Senatorial deep femurgroping! (Warning: PTLFW…potentially too loud for workplace)

  21. donner_froh

    [re=361853]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Best non-segue from Santorum thigh pressing to priestly butt raping of Indians 400 years ago evah!

  22. schvitzatura

    [re=361858]blader[/re]: Dave needed his chiffonier wardrobe busted up?

    Who done it, who done it?

  23. Monsieur Grumpe

    It was Helen Thomas. Dave Brooks won’t fess up becuase he’s looking for attention.

  24. sezme

    Saxby Chambliss and his gang of happy hooligans took turns dry humping Brooks’ leg under the table all night in order to prove once and for all that they’re NOT gay.

  25. BobTheBuilder

    I feel really sorry for David Brooks, having to sit there through the whole dinner just continuing to let that Republican Senator grope and fondle the inside of his thigh – without being able to just get up and leave.

    Erections can be so inconvenient.

  26. Extemporanus

    [re=361885]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I agree. And I’ll add that Max Cleland never would’ve put his hand on David Brook’s inner thigh.

    His stump, maybe, but never his hand.

  27. LoweredPeninsula

    Has no one else made mention that the cartoons don’t look like men, very much, but every masculine women? Hell, the drawing of Lindsay looks like an older Julie Andrews.

  28. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=362682]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Yeah, and Santorum kinda looks like Rachel Maddow..

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