Wonkette
Army Major (?!) Stefan Frederick Cook is supposed to be shipped to Afghanistan this week, to fight in the war there, as Army people are often expected to do in times of war. But instead, he’s seeking some kind of restraining order, in federal court, because he does NOT want to go there to that war, because he has some very legitimate concerns about Barack Obama’s birth in Hawaii forty-seven years ago. Also, this Army Major’s court complaint says he’s super scared of committing “war crimes” or something. Should’ve thought about that before those recruiter dudes at the strip mall talked you into enlisting! [Ledger-Enquirer]
Quit like SP told you to do.
In the 20-page document — filed July 8 with the United States District Court, Middle District of Georgia — Cook’s California-based attorney, Orly Taitz…
Now wait a minute. Orly Taitz?! This is obviously absurdist humor here.
Man, I want to respond so badly, but my engrained issues with using the term ‘gay’ as a pejorative won’t let me. Someone got my back on this?
Chicken! I guess this dude is an example of the “brave men & women” who are fighting specifically for Bible Spice’s constitutional rights. See the movie “Stop-Loss” and grow some common sense. All that began under W, ya schmuck.
SayItWithWookies: You haven’t heard about ole Orly? She’s a piece of work, but yeah: the name sez it all, don’t it?
Mjr Stephan Cook, the southern boy with a Yankee name, could learn a lesson from his southern brother Greg Allman, who just got drunk and shot himself in the foot to avoid the War.
Is that picture from some kind of Beetle Bailey animated TV series? Dear God, where’s Josh Fruhlinger, does this exist?
SayItWithWookies: http://www.orlytaitzesq.com/blog1/
SayItWithWookies: Yeah, obvious statement.
Hey, this guy is from Georgia! It’s all about that ‘War of Northern Aggression’ thing and the fact that the Commander-in-Chief is a black man.
If only. Orly Taitz is a wingnut’s wingnut. Her Website features a poem by Mayakovsky with the word orly at the end of the first line. She is a major birther and all-around conspiracy buff. Born in Russia (although neither Orly nor Taitz are particularly Russian names), she is supposedly a lawyer, a dentist and a real-estate agent who claims to speak five languages. My guess they are Russian, English, Old Wingnut, Church Whacko and Middle Spanglish. For the Russophones in the audience, the Mayakovsky poem:
ЛЕВЫЙ МАРШ
Глаз ли померкнет орлий?
В старое ль станем пялиться?
Крепи
у мира на горле
пролетариата пальцы!
Грудью вперед бравой!
Флагами небо оклеивай!
Кто там шагает правой?
Левой!
Левой!
Левой!
Маяковский - 1918
a minor major who misunderstands his situation. but throw him back, we let the little ones go.
He should just admit that he likes giving other men blow jobs. Voila. And problem solved.
“You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.”
Phil Ochs alt-text! We’ve had enough of little Bobby Zimmerman’s lyrics recently.
More Halftracks, less halfricans!!1!
Mr. Cook didn’t want to go to war. However, his pussy search for ‘oral’ and ‘taint’ really struck gold..
I bet bitch wasn’t afraid to get cheap beer from the commisary!
x111e7thst: Good call– all he has to do is pretend to be gay for like a week and instead he goes and files some insane law suit that will do nothing but ensure he gets sent out on IED missions. Which means he’s either really stupid or really homophobic. Or maybe both.
What a fucking pussy.
Zorg: And for the Googlephones in the audience:
LEFT Marsh
Eye orly whether fade?
In the old is my only weapon will pyalitsya?
CREPY
the world at the throat
proletariat fingers!
Breast ahead Bravo!
Flags hang sky!
Who is it steps right?
Left!
Left!
Left!
Mayakovski - 1918
Internally valid: She’s a buttertaitz. Her blog is fun. And you can advertise on it, it says.
Extemporanus: zzzzzzing!
My Daddy, the General, would likely say: “I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his guts were on fire”. Sigh, childhood memories.
Zorg: … that poem is entitled “Left March!” and is a communist war anthem. Why is it on a wingnut blog?!?
I’m a chickenhawk and I’m OK
I cry all night and I whine all day
I go to court cuz I’m pissed off
Our preznit is a black
I always call for wars but
I never want to fight
Let this be a lesson to you future conscientious objectors out there: if ever you must argue your way out of a military deployment, choose a reason for objection that won’t get you THE LEAST AMOUNT OF SYMPATHY POSSIBLE from everyone.
If a combative deployment would be a “war crime,” because, he argues, it’s ordered by a president who does not have the power to authorize his use of force against another nation on behalf of the U.S., Obama should send our soldier somewhere else.
Why not Hawaii? Obama should send this brave soldier there to fetch his birth certificate. From inside Kilauea. Also, he must fill a Dixie cup with lava, with his bare hands.
So Major Cook already has his gig as a speaker lined up? That is, if his wingnut buddies care after he’s out of Leavenworth in 2014.
Something tells me this is not going to end well for Major Cock.
Hasn’t the good Major listen to the Republicans? You cannot be charged with war crimes after the fact. Otherwise we would have to line up Cheney, Rumsfield and most of Bush’s lawyers for torture.
No, you can only charge people with war crimes before they do them. Sheesh.
Speaking of which, has anyone seen W’s birth certificate? Wouldn’t it be nice if it turns out he wasn’t really president?
Pizzuti: I think another lesson would be that if you want to be a conscientious objector, it might be a tad difficult to get any sympathy if you sign up for the military and then object to a war that has been going on for just over five years. You could save a whole lot of time and effort by, oh, not signing up for the military.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Well, according to the wingtards, in their only blogging victory ever, Dan Rather never discovered evidence that W went AWOL from the National Guard. Even though he obviously did, was obviously a chickenhawk coward and probably lied about much else that was covered up from his coke-addicted days as George H. W. Bush’s waste of semen.
In short, in matters homophobic, chicken-y, and criminal
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
Would this dude have been looking for McInSane’s Panamanian Birth Certificate if everything went horribly wrong last November (well, more horribly wrong than the current seemingly tack-less leadership)?
There is a mall in Mesa, Arizona called The Superstition Mall, named after a local mountain, and it has a recruiter ’store’ for every branch all tucked into one section, basically around the child’s play area, and it is full of inbred shoppers from Apache Junction and towns East.
Unemployed? Your brats driving you nuts? Need an adventure?
“Best and Brightest” is a very relative term.
Taitz looks like a bad knock off drag queen from a David Lynch movie. Makes about as much sense as a David Lynch movie also.
chascates: We call it the “war of southern salvation” now fyi.
I guess he’s not moral enough to kill. Group W bench for you.
“Orly Taitz” sounds like a drunken sailor’s request to a cheap hooker.
Move over Joe-the-Plumber, your time is up. The trailer folk have a new leader. Stefan-the major.
What I want to know is how the fuck did this retard make Major? Then again, Frank Burns comes to mind…
NYNYNY: Guys, don’t you remember the iPetitions.com site that Orly had up shortly after Barry’s inauguration? Who could forget Dr. Dentist Orly Taitz, D.D.S., Esq., the nutty dentist who graduated from an unaccredited law school and runs her law practice out of her dental clinic?
The petition site was pure wingnuttery, demanding an investigation because Barry is a secret Indonesian Muslin, Eric Holder is covering for him, and the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear her petition for cert on a case that got bumped out on a motion for judgment on the pleadings.
I and other mischief-makers posted linx to it here, and it got spammed with something like 2,400 signatures from people like Merkin Muffley, Gen, Jack D. Ripper, Borat, Artie Lange, etc., plus a lot of obscene words in Russian.
I heard that one of the plaintiffs for whom she filed got sanctioned because the case was clearly frivolous. woot.
Oily Taint…
And it’s 1, 2, 3 what aren’t we fightin’ for?
A live certificate of birth,
Next stop is Leavenworth…
Please, whatever you do, don’t register for the comments on that newspaper and post completely brainless remarks that will cause the actual reader’s heads to explode.
Zorg: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXokRH7jGh8
I don’t think it’s the same Левый марш
but the animation is soothing in a sort of Soviet Realist way and they roll their RRRRRRRRRRRRRRs whith gusto so !!!HEY!!! it’s all good
WWGGSPD?
What Would General George S. Patton Do?
Patton: What’s the matter with you?
Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook: Well, I… I guess I… I can’t take it anymore.
Patton: What did you say?
Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook: It’s Obama, sir. I… I just can’t stand not seeing his birth certificate anymore.
Patton: OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!? Well, hell, you’re nothing but a God-damned coward.
[Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook starts sniveling]
Patton: Shut up!
[Slaps him, once forehanded, then backhanded on the rebound]
Patton: I’m not going to have a man sitting here *crying*! In front of these brave men who have been wounded in battle!
[Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook snivels some more, and Patton swings a vicious forehand slap, knocking his helmet away]
Patton: *Shut up!*
[to the doctors]
Patton: Don’t admit this yellow bastard. There’s nothing wrong with him. I won’t have a man who’s just afraid to fight *stinking up this place of honor!* You will get him back up to the front.
[to Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook:]
Patton: You’re going back to the front, boy. You may get shot, and you may get killed, but you’re going back to the fighting. Either that, or I’ll stand you up before a firing squad. Why, I ought to shoot you right now, you…
[pulls his service automatic. At that, the doctors leap forward and hustle the soldier out of the tent. Patton keeps shouting at the soldier's back]
Patton: God-damned bastard! Get him out of here! Take him back to the *front! You hear me? You God-damned coward!*
[Takes deep breath]
Patton: I won’t have cowards in my army.
OK, OK… I guess that’s technically:
WWGCSAGGSPD?
What Would George C. Scott As General George S. Patton Do?
Still, it works for me…
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
“That’s some catch, that catch-22,” he observed.
“It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed.
WhatTheHeck: soon to be the buck private Stephan. But he will have a thing or two in common with Joe… both are idiots and Stephan is about to become an unlicensed plumber as he digs latrines at Leavenworth.
From what I can gather, he was reserve or National Guard, recently activated. So that instead of shooting pool and soaking suds around the armory he might be doing something else, and he don’t wanta. A major is not enlisted, he is commissioned, which is supposed to mean he has college and all and went through OCS and is smarter than anybody else working at Loyd’s Tires and Donuttes. However, you have to factor in he’s from Florida, which means he’s dumb as a sack of rocks.
National Guard was what we did back in the sixties to avoid trouble spots. It was civilians in green suits. Some, I see from the obits from back home, hung on forever, because where else are them yokels gonna be saluted? (One of the dimmest individuals on record had a bee sting on a hand which swole up before the two week summer camp one year, and the doctor told him he could write a note and he’d be excused from reporting and the boy squinted at him, said, “Dare ye.” It was the only spot on the planet he had any authority.) In my day, you’d have gas station attendants locking the heels of PhDs who were dodging the draft, same as Dohbya done.
Somehow the reserves got professional, I reckon. War’ll do that.
Yeah, war, whatever. Tokyo Sex Destruction on LOUD.
What if…what if, Obama doesn’t have a certificate of life birth? What if he has a certificate of dead birth? ZOMG…Zombie President! Zobama!
Major Dad would have gone.
Wait wasn’t George C Scott also General ‘Buck’ Turgidson in Dr. Strangelove. The one that President Mullfey admonished for fighting in the war room? Its all beginning to make sense to me now. Its the vast Hollywood — NWO conspiracy! The only Major I remember in Dr Strangelove was Major TJ Kong (hint: see avatar). The conspiracy is even broader than even I imagined.
Wingmagnutism: The case was filed on behalf of former U.S. Ambassador Alan Keyes, also a contestant in the 2008 presidential race in California. Orly, Alan, Alan, Orly.
More than you ever wanted to know about Orly Taitz here:
http://www.ocweekly.com/2009-06-18/news/orly-taitz
Country Club Jihadi: I, on the other hand would piss on people like that if they were on fire. Even if it was mainly in the hopes of giving them some kind of infection.
kth: Taitz, a Laguna Niguel dentist with a law degree from an online academy, has been awarded a few creative variations on the birther term: “The Queen Bee of Birferstan” is probably the best.
Ah, Kal-ee-forn-i-ah, where even batshit insane Russian dentists with cereal-box law degrees can get admitted to the bar. I’m embarrassed to share the same profession with her.
kth: Can I get the last 10 minutes of my life back? I started skimming after page one and I still feel insane for looking at that story.
doloras: Good question! It’s a pro-Bolshevik poem from the first year of Lenin’s rule. x111e7thst: You’re right, it’s a song lyric written by Nikolai Prilepsky, not the poem by Mayakovsky. Nice Contructivist graphics. And, it does carry the same title.hobospacejunkie: Not quite a perfect translation, Dude, but it does seem even more wingnutty in the computerized translation form.
The Orly story is pretty bizarre even for Behind The Orange Curtain.
Orly Taitz is an idiot. Here is what she claims in the complaint:
“Barack Hussein Obama, in order to prove his constitutional eligibility to serve as president, basically needs only produce a single unique historical document for the Plaintiffs inspection and authentication: namely, the ‘long-form’ birth certificate which will confirm whether Barack Hussein Obama was in fact born to parents who were both citizens of the United States in Honolulu, Hawaii, in or about 1961.”
His mother was a citizen of the United States. His father was a citizen of Kenya. There is no requirement that both parents must be citizens of the United States, but I guess that’s what she learned in her correspondence school law courses. William Howard Taft University, which is not accredited by the ABA, is a distance-learning only school.
kth: That is one astounding bundle of certifiable nuttiness. When I read that she was from Moldova, the part of the Russian empire that has a large Romanian population, I recalled perhaps the one funny thing that Tsar Nicholas II ever said, “Romanian is not a nationality. It’s a profession.” (My apologies in advance to Andrei Codrescu)
Where have all the WHITE men gone
And where is my one GOD?
Where’s the crazy ass Birthers
To fight the rising odds?
Isn’t there a white man upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need
I need a BIRTHER
I’m holding out for at BIRTHER ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be dumb
And he’s gotta be white
And he’s gotta be avoiding a fight
I need a BIRTHER
I’m holding out for a BIRTHER ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be dumb
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be scared of a fight
Scared of a fight
Maybe he thinks he’s some sort of hero because he’s started a federal trial with Obama’s birth certificate a matter in question. Of course, the certificate or a legally approved facsimile will be produced, he will hem and haw about conspiracies, the judges will accept it anyway, and he’ll be put away for a decade, the end.
norbizness: Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin’ all the way.
This is a case of the putz calling the kettle Barak. She is NOT a Natural Born Citizen either. But, maybe that gave her special powers to see the non-naturals like the David Vincent in the old TV show THE INVADERS.
In all honesty, she should join up with Sarah Palin…. as a dentist she really gets that whole “Drill baby Drill” routine!
Wow, I don’t think there could have been a more perfect picture to accompany this post.
Thanks for the Ochs reference, although the context and the issue at the time were slightly different.
Major Minor is just begging for an Article 15 action…stamp his perm record with all kinds of nasty, nasty crap and cashier his extremely lame ass out of the service.
The end.
From a guy whose starting his SECOND year in Afghanistan, I hope he gets busted down to private and sent over here to a front line unit. He’ll have slightly more to worry about than his idiotic “birther” beliefs.
I cannot stand chickenhawks like this loser!
I have a lot more to say, but it mostly consists of cursewords for this asshole, so I’ll just let it end here.
I think the shit just hit ste fan.
Also, they don’t need to send him to Afghanistan. Just reduce him in rank, from Major to Minor.
BigLar: i think toothbrushes and latrines would be his winning combination.
Report for duty or ship out to Leavenworth Stockade, soldier.
He’s a reservist. Presumably with a lot of reservations.
hobospacejunkie: He wasn’t AWOL. He was an F***ing deserter!
Zhu Bajie, who was on Yankee Station at the same time
BigLar: Amen! Cashier the worthless SOB and let him try to get a real job in the current economy, instead of living off my tax dollars…
Crank Tango: Is he a real major? Or the Army equivalent of Captain of the Head?
Zhu Bajie
BigLar: 2nd year in Afghanistan? Damn. Thank you. I wish you were home, though. Historically, the big powers (UK, USSR) don’t have a good record in Afghanistan. Stay safe and let us hear more from you here on Wonkette!
Dear Major Dillweed, it goes something like this: I Major Dipshit, do solemny swear, that I will defend the constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign or domestic; that I will bear true faith and alligiance to the same; that I will OBEY the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God. Any fucking questions?????
The comments are beautiful, perfumed tears of the wingnuts.
The stupid; it burns!
It’s the constant playing of Rush Limpbag in army messes and on armed forces radio that does it to these guys. Actually Rush is the moderate. I think the major is really trying to be cute, in a “if Pelosi/Reid (the beast worse than Nobama) claims anyone committed war crimes in the Bush administration” it will now make the majors job of assigning latrine duty far more dangerous to do. He could actually be accused of a war crime now if he tortures anyone to death or does what ever else is need to protect America! By God!
Absolute #1 reason Al Franken should never have given up radio for the Senate: Some lunatic had allowed a short playing of his show on the air. Can you imagine how that must have gone over at first?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRm5WcjOikQ
Ship him out! He can then desert his unit and claim refugee status in Afghanistan. They’re signatories to the UN Convention on Refugees, right?
Ain’t no use in going home
Barry’s got your girl and gone
ain’t no use in looking back
Barry’s got your Cadillac
ain’t no use in feeling blue
Barry’s got your sister too
ain’t no use in reporting for duty
Barry tapped your momma’s booty
your left
your right
your left
MGBYG: Yep, Superstition Springs, right by Sears.. haha
I meant that they put Franken on Armed Forces Radio for a bit, oops. Need more coffee.
What a Chickshit-Hawk…or ChickenShitHawk. Whatever. The only thing you’re doing, you dumbass, is screwing the people you should have deployed with who were depending on you. Although I suspect this moron is the kind of officer you want stay away from in the field; thinks he’s the reincarnation of General Patton when he’s actually Frank Burns. Or David Schwimmer’s character in Band of Brothers…..i.e. a frag attractor….
The comments following that article are flat-out nuts. I hope this guy gets court-martialed AND sanctioned by the court.
soldiers who refuse to o to war are usually cort marshalled, isn’t that correct? he signed up for the job, it has nothing to do with who or what ot when are president is or came from. it has to do with the character of the man, the soldier. this man is weak and afraid he qualifies for a dishonarable discharge, stipping of his rank and loss of his retirement. there you go plain and simple. would you really want this man in a leadership position of other soldiers to represent our country and teach younger men how to fight and save their own lives? this is the kind of man that scares me. no do as i said and set him free he is a first class coward blaming his problems on others. just as they all do. give him as little attentions as possible and if he warrent attention make sure its negative for once again he is a coward!
ok
Crazybroad: Thanks…i like to think i did my part in adding to the nutsitude
Birthers, man.
When this charade ends and he gets his cowardly ass shipped to Afghanistan I wonder how badly the _actual_ soldiers who are serving over there will beat the fuck out of him.
mookworthjwilson: You’re very welcome, although I’m assuming yours was one of the “sane” [read: liberal, rational] comments. I speak of the wingnutz and their looney theories about citizenship, muslins, and a third shooter.
hobospacejunkie: Not to make this thread too pendatic and snarkless, but, actually, here is a good translation of “Left March.” She is quoting the fourth and final stanza. It appears Ms. Wingnotovsky’s given name is a declined form of the Russian noun, eagle.
Can the eagle ever get blind?
Can they make us swing off the road?
Hold
your proletarian hand
tight on the world’s throat!
Deck out the sky with drape!
March boldly ahead , don’t be late!
Who’s marching out of step?
Left!
Left!
Left!
And what this has to do with Obama and birth certificates? You tell me, Mr. HoboSpaceJunkie, Sir.
President Beeblebrox: I think I signed that petition eight times as “Heywood Jablome”. Good times!
This guy is a MAJOR, an O4. He’s not some newbie soldier, he’s in his first rung of Upper Leadership positions. I say this so people understand he’s not an inexperienced war-man. Much worse, he is a political tool. I’ll bet 2 months or major Turdchuger’s Army pay that someone in the repug party is footing his bill for legal expenses in order to have one of America’s Fighting Men challenge our LEGITIMATE President.
No matter, what he is doing or why (for that matter, his stunt is SO against the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice), at a time our nation is at war. This douche bag of a major should swing from a gallows for this STUPID attempt to disgrace President Obama.
As he’s making all this noise, he’s deserting his troops during a time they are away from their homes, fighting the war in his place.
This major douche bag deserves our nation’s contempt for his cowardice.
As a US Navy Vet, I hope he lives his last days in a Federal Penitentiary.
ManchuCandidate: Excellent poem!! I’m giggling like a school-kid!!