Wonkette
The happy rich people of La Jolla, California awoke Sunday morning to find many 40-lb. live squid flopping and squirming on the fancy beach. This horror show immediately followed a 4.0 earthquake 19 miles off the coast. Why did Nobama do this to us? Can the answer be found in a VERY SUSPICIOUS COMMENT on this San Francisco news website?
JESUS IS LIFE Today at 10:32 AM FLAG COMMENT Well YOU DEMONcRATS are to BLAME for this HELL that has been UNLEASE BY ALMIGHTY JESUS CHRIST GOD IN THE HIGHEST SAVIOR OF ALL THAT IS MIGHTY JESUS. you ELECTed a MUSLIN to lead the FREE WORLD! and now yoU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!!! A PLAGUE OF SEE MONSTERS on the BEACHES and the eath SHAKING behind your FEAT. IS there ANY question that bECAUSE of the election of OBAMA (he is a MULSLIN I ASSURE YOU MY PASTOR TOLD ME THIS HE IS NOT A LIAR BECAUSE BE BELEIVES IN JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY IN THE HIGHEST JESUS SAVIOR OF ALL THAT HIS HOLY( and becaus eof the ABORTIONS that the DEMONcRATS are forcing down the THROATS OF INNOCENT CHILDREN that there is this HELL IN CALIFORNIA THE MOST LIBRAL STATE EVER? REPENT NOW AND ELECT A TRUE CHRISTIAN NEXT TIME OR FACE THE RATH OF JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY SAVIOR OF ALL THAT IS GOOD
Massive Squid Washes Up on Beach in Quake Aftermath [Bay Area News via Metafilter]
Is that a vibrator cozy?
Oh shit! I wonder if this also explains the pile of dog crap I found on my lawn mysteriously this AM….
What’s this biatch whining about? Obama sent fresh calamari to California to help all the starving Californians!
That is one gifted piece of writing for a suspicious comment.
“THE MOST LIBRAL STATE EVER”
I didn’t realize there were earthquakes in Iowa.
Are they sure it wasn’t the US Navy conducting live firing exercises? Why is everyone so quick to blame mother nature for this?
Okay, okay. Which wonketteer posted that comment?
Yes, this has ‘Wonketeer’ written all over it. I, sadly, cannot take credit for this masterful piece of satire.
Hahaha…comeon, “MULSLIN!!”…although, it is a clever variation with a delight wash of retardation. And “LIBRAL” is a big give away as well.
Smells like shorts to me.
I am SO never diving La Jolla ever again.
As if the tentacles of the Kelp Beds wasn’t bad enough,
ACTUAL FUCKKEN TENTACLES!
Look, this blaming things on Obama has to stop. He’s doing all he can. If George W. Bush were still president, it would’ve been a 19.0 earthquake 4 miles off the coast, and then Las Vegas would’ve been ocean-front real estate (making Steve Wynn the richest man on earth, BTW).
At last, Reagan’s corpse has been found.
But what was that placed under the Rotunda for the Jesus-worship led by Nancy and Dame Noonie? A bucketful of salt cod.
Amother Cheney trick.
When will we ever learn?
hockeymom: Yes it is. (Found on boingboing, I think, many years ago.)
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!!!!
You FOOLS! That was no mere “40 lb. squid.” That was the baby, newly born version of the FIRST of the MASSIVE swarm of GIANT, MAN-EATING, FRIGGIN’ LASER BEAM EQUIPPED CEPHALOPODS that have escaped from the Cheney-sponsored secret C.I.A. breeding program!!!!
I told you it was a BAD IDEA to let The Evil One see “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” so soon after 9/11!!!!!
BWAAAAHHHAAAAAAA!
Neilist: Despair not, however! I have the Secret Weapon to counter this Fearsome Menace.
I can’t reveal all the details while the patent application is still pending. But I can say that it is an advanced technology weapon involving extra virgin olive oil; garlic; bread crumbs; and an enormous frying pan . . . .
I’ve pulled off Portuguese Man o’ Wars twice that size off my toddlers face in North Padre. I say Boo!
Neilist: These “squid” are really the fetuses of those much larger mutants that may have caused the earthquake, botched partial-birth abortions terminated by Nobama along with the important program.
Also, I wish you wouldn’t post prank comments that you wrote, Ken “JESUS IS LIFE” Layne, that’s just lazy no matter how funny. Wait ’til the rumors you start gain wingnut acceptance, then report that.
I actually thought that it was a polyester/cotton blend that was chosen to lead the free world! I will have to get my fabrics straight. . . . Muslin?
Squid always beach themselves between news cycles. But, they’re yummy any time. It’s a gift from the sea God, Poseidon or Jesus. Either way, take the gift and eat ‘em up, Californicators.
I smoked some Humboldt Squid once. Not as good as advertised.
Odd. Drudge usually gets his panties in a wad over earthquakes and nothing on his site yet. Maybe the SEE monster is actually one of the Lizard People. Or possibly Jesus himself since he’ll come like a fucking thief in the night or something like that.
lizard scum: I mean, really, Ken. The “hell in California” of a “plague of sea-monsters” caused by our “Muslin” president who forces “abortions down the throats of innocent children.” This has your fingerprints all over.
El Pinche: Well done, sir! You’re right below me.
Who can’t spell feet? If it’s satire, how brilliant to misspell an easy word. If not, forcing abortions down throats scares me.
50 bucks says it’s ShortsShortsShorts. He 1) lives on a boat in the San Francisco bay, and 2) cuts his cocaine with Pixie Stix.
Another thoughtful commenter adds:
“FINALLY!!! Proof of global warming! I think it’s time to spend millions and millions of American taxpayer dollars to “STOP THE EARTH WARMING” and save the field mice and creek minnow instead of using that money to help fund the troops with better equipment to help save them when the fighting gets tough. Yeah, thats it! PLEASE lets save the buttercups instead of funding schools to teach our children to survive after Obama Administration has spent all their money.”
Why couldn’t he have warned us about Jesus forcing his rath down our throats, or something hawt and sexy. I woulda believed it was a wingnut if he had said some shit like that.
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/You
too mvch fvnny
So, this is the best the modern day Republican version of Ozymandias can do?
And, really, isn’t the fact that Ben Stein and Shaquille O’Neal are doing commercials together a better sign of the common Apocalypse that will be brought upon us for not rising up and impeaching the foreign, Muslim, demon, un-circumcised commie President that we currently have in office?
Figure out what is really outrageous wingnuts!
Thanks, Wonkette, for the heads up. Please keep up the good work on alerting us to upcoming Obama-related disasters. That is why I read it daily.
chascates: Apparently the moderators at NBC BayArea liked that crap but they didn’t like my previous “THIS IS NEWS!?!?!” post.
MarieDeGournay: You speak what should not be spoken!
El Pinche: It IS San Francisco, after all!
Any word if Cheney has been swimming in the Pacific lately? Or just fishing? It is La Jolla after all.
This is a pretty good one:
“The earth magnetic field is being distorted. Two russian aircrafts fall out of the sky over the last two weeks and air france jet fell out of the sky straight down on its belly. These are the early warning signs for the pole shift.”
and
“This was caused by electro magnetic fields. Note article: http://www.springerlink.com/content/t034g5882111g640/“
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin (Mrs.)
RoscoePColtraine: No kidding. It was homo-erotically tinged, enough, to have been a nutter. That, and too many titles were used for Jesus, consecutively, for it to have been one of them. If those nutters know how to do nothing else, they know how to properly string together honorifics for their lord and savior.
Yeah, this is definitely someone from, here. Muslin? Yep.
Are they sure it was a squid, and not Cindy McCain? This would, of course, implicate Obama as well.
You should save that loop of the flopping squid at the top of the article for Liberman-related stories.
Just a suggestion…
Ken Layne: It’s eerily similar to my lobster shaped cozy for my FleshLight.
Shorts is going to have a hard time convincing anyone here that he’s not the culprit. He’ll need a watertight alibi from a third party, plus a copy of his browsing history and those of any friends he may have visited, as well as the browsing history of his phone browser and that of his friends. Without these proofs we should assume guilt. It’s the American way.
Also, turn a squid upside down and have a look. They have beaks. Which look really really creepy, like it’s not supposed to be there. Therefore I proclaim squids, like scorpions, to be sins against nature. They are to be avoided at all costs. Though I have to rate scorpions just above squids on the creepy scale, since one laid in wait for me under my pillow earlier this week and stung me as I got into bed. I can handle the sting, but the thought of the creepiest land critter on earth touching me, poisoning me, laying in my bed, well ewwwwwww, yuck, gross.
“rath” of jesus!…there’s one enlightened kid…
That’s gotta be shortsshortsshorts.
Somehow this is all part of Cheney’s dark designs…….
Cthulhu. Leader of the Great Old Ones. Cthulhu exists in a deep sleep of death in the watery depths of R’lyeh silently dreaming, waiting for the day when the stars are right and his worshippers raise R’lyeh from the Pacific Ocean. oh noes!
End Times IV: The Dark Lord of Muslin.
Thanks for the photo - now I know how to turn my skill at crocheting into a profitable business right here at Wonkette
Anyone seen The Future is Wild? Squids are the new people, y’all. I think Nobama’s about to introduce a hate crimes bill that includes number of limbs, and vertebrate status. (But no sexual orientation, because, seriously, gay squids?!?)
http://www.thefutureiswild.com/index.asp?level1id=3&level2id=8&level3id=11&level4id=34
“ABORTIONS that the DEMONcRATS are forcing down the THROATS OF INNOCENT CHILDREN…”
As a librul Nyawkah, nothing pleases me more than getting my daily afterbirth smoothie at Jamba Juice. Which is part of the vast Juicish Conspiracy.
MarieDeGournay: I was *just* gonna say that! “The Old Ones were, the Old Ones are, and the Old Ones shall be,” etc. and so on. Also.
sounds reasonable to me
These people and their fake god are pathetic.
Shorts.
Almighty Jesus is almighty.
Lord Growing: If smoking the squid doesn’t work for you, you could always try eating them.
I see Sarah Palin’s writing has improved somewhat.
The best thing is, if you take out the part about California, you could cut and paste that comment into any news story.
Voting shorts as well. The tipoff for me was less the MULSLIN than the “I ASSURE YOU MY PASTOR TOLD ME” bit, which was over-the-top enough to ring all of the “fake wonkette plant” alarm bells.
so… if Real Jesus rode raptors… does Raptor Jesus ride a giant squid fhtagn?
Sorry pal, but Jesus is going to have to do better than having flopping squids wash up on shore before I stop voting for Muslim abortionists.
He’s going to have to send a prehistoric sea beast to knock down some cities before the Palin/Bachman ticket gets my vote.
Free sushi on the beach. O, the End Times are near, obvs.
hobospacejunkie: Is there any chance that it was actually Shorts who laid in wait in your bed and stung you?
Why do you people blame me? Obviously Trig was the culprit.
I don’t know about you guys, but this sounds legit to me.
shortsshortsshorts: Trig is too far north, unless his down’s powers have activated.
“ABORTIONS that the DEMONcRATS are forcing down the THROATS OF INNOCENT CHILDREN”
I’m pretty sure abortions aren’t done by forcing anything down the childs throat… even demon rats wouldn’t do that!
Manos: Hands of Fate: I thought those two were prehistoric sea beasts. Kelpies.
I better ratchet up the pencil sales and get my ticket to the opposite coast to welcome our new Squid Overlords! I wouldn’t want to seem rude. anybody wan’a buy a pencil?
Today, we are all beached squid.
GreatOldOnesParty: lizard scum: facehead: At first I was convinced it was Layne, but shorts makes more sense, doesn’t he?
Kodos drew the short straw. Score one for Kang.
I fully approve of that comment and whichever wonkette person wrote it
In other news, Cheney’s legal team has filed a lawsuit against Palin, alleging plagiarism of his forthcoming memoir, ‘Lucifer’.
Shorts?
Plus I did not know that squid were equipped to be ribbed for her pleasure. I learn a lot from the results of Wonkette Google image searches.
I be done seen ’bout everything when I see a C’thulhu vibrator cozy
(On Wonkette)
When I see a C’thulhu vibrator cozyyyyyyyy….
shortsshortsshorts:
You didn’t exactly deny the accusations, though.
MarieDeGournay: Kudos on the H.P.Lovecraft reference.
Check out this awesome comment from the same article:
“I happen to know that the squid are going crazy because they are being poisoned by Pelo$i’s genital discharges.”
That letter was actually one of the more cogent conservative commentaries I’ve read in recent times.
Really.
shortsshortsshorts: So innocent-sounding!
Silly troll, abortions don’t go down the throat.
If that is not a dildo cozy, I don’t know what kind of cozy it is. Please advise.