RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  1:02 pm July 13, 2009

Health Care? Don’t You Mean DEATH CARE?

by Riley Waggaman

  • Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig’s heart. It’s a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys — put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]
  • Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]
  • Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney’s secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain’t shavin’ nothing, and don’t even worry about Cheney, we’ll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]
  • America’s leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, “Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people.” Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]
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nightshift July 13, 2009 at 1:08 pm

EEW! I didn’t need the visual of Clinton in his tighty whities being paddled by Al Roker!

bfstevie July 13, 2009 at 1:11 pm

So if I understand this correctly, you’re criticizing our beloved last president for having the courtesy of sending a Card to Ashcroft while he was in the hospital.

Bruno July 13, 2009 at 1:12 pm

I would prefer if Holder had one of those Saudi King style goatees. Now that would be cool

TGY July 13, 2009 at 1:14 pm

[re=360993]bfstevie[/re]: It’s very hard to get Hallmark to engrave something on such short notice.

bfstevie July 13, 2009 at 1:16 pm

[re=360993]bfstevie[/re]: Apparently English is not my first language.

Mahousu July 13, 2009 at 1:16 pm

George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside …
Hopefully I am the only one who thought of Shinji with Asuka in the hospital.

ALIVE! July 13, 2009 at 1:21 pm

RedState: “Our natural inclination is to be distracted by the shiny national security balls.”


V572625694 July 13, 2009 at 1:22 pm

“John? It’s Dubya. Listen, wait a minute Elise, get off the line, I need to talk to John.

“Okay, where were we? Oh, right…listen, John, Gonzo and Andy are on their way over and just need one little signature, won’t take a minute of your time. Yes, yes, I know Gonzo isn’t the sharpest chisel in the carving set…no, I’m pretty sure he went to law school in the daytime, I’ve seen the diploma in his office. Anyway, Andy’s my buddy and he and I wouldn’t ask you to do anything we wouldn’t do ourselves, ya know?

“Goddamnit Elise, get off the line I said! Put John back on–this is man stuff, you wouldn’t understand….Okay, but there’ll be consequences, really! Bye now.”

Lascauxcaveman July 13, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Clinton’s frat name? Gotta be “Horndawg.”

DustBowlBlues July 13, 2009 at 1:26 pm

A question for Young Riley: How do you discern which particular wingnuttery from the Reds website to feature in the news roundup? I glanced at the featured post and saw several other examples of completely whacked-out batshit craziness.

And they’re never funny. Why do conservatives never do the funny? Because they’re not smart enough, I guess.

As to health care, I can only afford insurance bec. my husband’s union runs a small VEBA. They just saved money by turning the administration over to Regence and my prescription drug coverage kind of disappeared. I tried generic ambien and can only describe it, based on my own youth, as a very, very bad trip.

As my husband and I said to each other last night, how could the public option possibly be worse? The small VEBA has to save money or go out of business and leave me unable to afford anything else. That’sa choice? Sell my house, go into bankruptcy or Death? That’s a choice?

None of my English or Canadian friends are unhappy with their health care and they don’t pay a fucking dime. They don’t have a lot of small, rural hospitals in Canada, but ours just closed, anyway. How the fuck could socialized medicine be worse than what we have now?

Autochthon July 13, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=360993]bfstevie[/re]: And I thought I couldn’t possibly consider Bush more loathesome and contemptable… Silly me.

charlesdegoal July 13, 2009 at 1:36 pm

It may not be so far-fetched to think that a fair health care system could cause the early demise of those, such as congressmen, who now benefit from a grossly unfair system.

SmutBoffin July 13, 2009 at 1:37 pm

Will Clinton get a Pi Beta Sigma tattoo to show what a righteous ‘bro he is?

Bruno July 13, 2009 at 1:38 pm

I had a white roomate in Phi Beta Sigma. I guess he was ahead of his time, with Bono’s statement that we are all African Americans

SmutBoffin July 13, 2009 at 1:40 pm

That RedState piece couldn’t be any less readable unless it was written in Klingon or something. Surely the disjointed grammar/structure speaks to a similar kind of thought process…

19kevin8 July 13, 2009 at 1:41 pm

What did Bush deliver? Was it doggy bags filled with poo that he PERSONALLY picked up?

Country Club Jihadi July 13, 2009 at 1:44 pm

“Slick Wigger”

MarieDeGournay July 13, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=361002]Mahousu[/re]: No, no, you are not.

imissopus July 13, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Those RedState guys should be thankful for socialized medicine because it means they all will be able to get their blood pressure checked on a regular basis. Considering they seem to wake up every morning just looking for something to get pissed off about, I’d think monitoring blood pressure and avoiding heart attacks would be important to them.

Todd Mecklem July 13, 2009 at 1:47 pm

If Eric Holder shaves his mustache, he won’t look like Ron Glass anymore! And I’m frankly not ready for an Attorney General who doesn’t look like Ron Glass.

bitchincamaro July 13, 2009 at 1:51 pm

If Asscroft had a health-care plan (NONE) like 50 million American patriotic taxpayers, he would not have been in that hospital and none of this would have happened.

Cuz he’d probably be dead.

freakishlystrong July 13, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Our singleminded focus right now must be on defeating healthcare reform. These other balls can keep bouncing off the walls.

What the fuck is wrong with the wingtards? Defeating healthcare reform? Really? God, secede already, we beg you.

blorgmorg July 13, 2009 at 1:59 pm

From an internet nickname generator:
Deluxe Loco Spunk (DLS) Bill

bitchincamaro July 13, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=361064]freakishlystrong[/re]: Because change = communism, dammit!

Min July 13, 2009 at 2:13 pm

It’s obvious…Bill would be Otter.

Hooray For Anything July 13, 2009 at 2:22 pm

[re=361046]19kevin8[/re]: Strippers

paintitblack July 13, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=361064]freakishlystrong[/re]: Are you srsly asking what is wrong w/wingtards? guess yer jest bein’ rhetorical ‘n all bc if ya reeely wanna know that answer, gonna haf ta sit thru a long, long ranting diatribe, an ‘snot wurth the waste of time & space. Yeah: let’s hates us sum health care big time. Don’t get it, but they have been brainwashed into believing it’ll be bad for them somehow, as if our current system actually “works.” It only “works” if you don’t get sick, or old, or have an accident. Works just fine under those circumstances, uh huh.

AnnieGetYourFun July 13, 2009 at 3:39 pm

“Bush Personally Sent Card And Gonzo To Ashcroft’s Hospital Bed”

Huh. I would have thought that Sam the Eagle would be the more appropriate muppet to send to Ashcroft, but at least he remembered to send a card as well.

Zadig July 13, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=361114]paintitblack[/re]: Yes, health care works fantastically well so long as you never attempt to use it, in which case Jeebus alone knows why you write a check to your “provider” every month.

doloras July 13, 2009 at 4:57 pm

[re=361002]Mahousu[/re]: I’m so fucked up.

AKAM80TheWolf July 13, 2009 at 11:23 pm


According to Republicans (death be upon them), it’s patriotic and American to suffer and die from an infection of raw greedy capitalism, than to prosper and be healthy under anything else.

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