Health Care? Don’t You Mean DEATH CARE?

  rumors on the internets
  • Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig’s heart. It’s a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys — put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]
  • Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]
  • Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney’s secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain’t shavin’ nothing, and don’t even worry about Cheney, we’ll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]
  • America’s leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, “Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people.” Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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31 comments

  1. nightshift

    EEW! I didn’t need the visual of Clinton in his tighty whities being paddled by Al Roker!

  2. bfstevie

    So if I understand this correctly, you’re criticizing our beloved last president for having the courtesy of sending a Card to Ashcroft while he was in the hospital.

  3. Bruno

    I would prefer if Holder had one of those Saudi King style goatees. Now that would be cool

  4. TGY

    [re=360993]bfstevie[/re]: It’s very hard to get Hallmark to engrave something on such short notice.

  5. Mahousu

    George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside …
    Hopefully I am the only one who thought of Shinji with Asuka in the hospital.

  6. ALIVE!

    RedState: “Our natural inclination is to be distracted by the shiny national security balls.”

    TruckNutz!

  7. V572625694

    “John? It’s Dubya. Listen, wait a minute Elise, get off the line, I need to talk to John.

    “Okay, where were we? Oh, right…listen, John, Gonzo and Andy are on their way over and just need one little signature, won’t take a minute of your time. Yes, yes, I know Gonzo isn’t the sharpest chisel in the carving set…no, I’m pretty sure he went to law school in the daytime, I’ve seen the diploma in his office. Anyway, Andy’s my buddy and he and I wouldn’t ask you to do anything we wouldn’t do ourselves, ya know?

    “Goddamnit Elise, get off the line I said! Put John back on–this is man stuff, you wouldn’t understand….Okay, but there’ll be consequences, really! Bye now.”

  8. DustBowlBlues

    A question for Young Riley: How do you discern which particular wingnuttery from the Reds website to feature in the news roundup? I glanced at the featured post and saw several other examples of completely whacked-out batshit craziness.

    And they’re never funny. Why do conservatives never do the funny? Because they’re not smart enough, I guess.

    As to health care, I can only afford insurance bec. my husband’s union runs a small VEBA. They just saved money by turning the administration over to Regence and my prescription drug coverage kind of disappeared. I tried generic ambien and can only describe it, based on my own youth, as a very, very bad trip.

    As my husband and I said to each other last night, how could the public option possibly be worse? The small VEBA has to save money or go out of business and leave me unable to afford anything else. That’sa choice? Sell my house, go into bankruptcy or Death? That’s a choice?

    None of my English or Canadian friends are unhappy with their health care and they don’t pay a fucking dime. They don’t have a lot of small, rural hospitals in Canada, but ours just closed, anyway. How the fuck could socialized medicine be worse than what we have now?

  9. Autochthon

    [re=360993]bfstevie[/re]: And I thought I couldn’t possibly consider Bush more loathesome and contemptable… Silly me.

  10. charlesdegoal

    It may not be so far-fetched to think that a fair health care system could cause the early demise of those, such as congressmen, who now benefit from a grossly unfair system.

  11. Bruno

    I had a white roomate in Phi Beta Sigma. I guess he was ahead of his time, with Bono’s statement that we are all African Americans

  12. SmutBoffin

    That RedState piece couldn’t be any less readable unless it was written in Klingon or something. Surely the disjointed grammar/structure speaks to a similar kind of thought process…

  13. 19kevin8

    What did Bush deliver? Was it doggy bags filled with poo that he PERSONALLY picked up?

  14. imissopus

    Those RedState guys should be thankful for socialized medicine because it means they all will be able to get their blood pressure checked on a regular basis. Considering they seem to wake up every morning just looking for something to get pissed off about, I’d think monitoring blood pressure and avoiding heart attacks would be important to them.

  15. Todd Mecklem

    If Eric Holder shaves his mustache, he won’t look like Ron Glass anymore! And I’m frankly not ready for an Attorney General who doesn’t look like Ron Glass.

  16. bitchincamaro

    If Asscroft had a health-care plan (NONE) like 50 million American patriotic taxpayers, he would not have been in that hospital and none of this would have happened.

    Cuz he’d probably be dead.

  17. freakishlystrong

    Our singleminded focus right now must be on defeating healthcare reform. These other balls can keep bouncing off the walls.

    What the fuck is wrong with the wingtards? Defeating healthcare reform? Really? God, secede already, we beg you.

  18. paintitblack

    [re=361064]freakishlystrong[/re]: Are you srsly asking what is wrong w/wingtards? guess yer jest bein’ rhetorical ‘n all bc if ya reeely wanna know that answer, gonna haf ta sit thru a long, long ranting diatribe, an ‘snot wurth the waste of time & space. Yeah: let’s hates us sum health care big time. Don’t get it, but they have been brainwashed into believing it’ll be bad for them somehow, as if our current system actually “works.” It only “works” if you don’t get sick, or old, or have an accident. Works just fine under those circumstances, uh huh.

  19. AnnieGetYourFun

    “Bush Personally Sent Card And Gonzo To Ashcroft’s Hospital Bed”

    Huh. I would have thought that Sam the Eagle would be the more appropriate muppet to send to Ashcroft, but at least he remembered to send a card as well.

  20. Zadig

    [re=361114]paintitblack[/re]: Yes, health care works fantastically well so long as you never attempt to use it, in which case Jeebus alone knows why you write a check to your “provider” every month.

  21. AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=361020]DustBowlBlues[/re]:

    According to Republicans (death be upon them), it’s patriotic and American to suffer and die from an infection of raw greedy capitalism, than to prosper and be healthy under anything else.

Comments are closed.