WARRING  2:58 pm July 10, 2009

OKAY, You People Who Keep Asking Us To Endorse Various Superheroes For DC Mayor…

by Jim Newell

Here’s what’s happening: a bunch of hippies inspired by the Nobama campaign are giving up consulting and corporate law to become Progressive Activists and Organizers, at least until the recession passes. They are enrolled in something called “New Organizing Institute Boot Camp” and, for Training, have been holding a mock election for DC mayor — young progressives nationwide care about DC zoning issues more than anything else — all week. It took us several days to understand this, as these e-mails with subject “Endorse the Green Lantern for DC Mayor” and such kept evading our spam filters. So with voting ending at 6, tonight, let’s make an “informed” endorsement!

Your choices are Atom, Batgirl, Batwoman, Cyborg, Green Lantern, Spiderman, Superman, and Wonderwoman, oh boy. Well RIGHT OFF THE BAT, “New Organizing Institute,” you should know that using alphabetical order on ballots can skew results with an apathetic voting bloc (us!) But anyway, this is the sort of stuff getting sent out from each campaign:

Additionally, word is that the Green Lantern has been hanging out with Steel (the African American Superman), a DC native, and who may be facilitating appearances at key churches and meetings with DC institutions like Fauntroy and Barry. It seems the Green Lantern is hip to the voting constituency of DC … word is he has a plan in the works for a whole host of projects east of the river, including the Green Lantern Corps to move its interstellar headquarters to Southeast DC.

As for other parts of the city, Ward 2 residents should rejoice that the Green Lantern is not letting the Marvel-DC comics divide get in the way of his friendship with Northstar, the openly gay member of the X-Men, and to help bring the Justice League to move their headquarters to the Atlas District for a revitalize NE campaign.

Last, we can be sure to one thing … with that mighty ring in hand, the Congressional votes for DC statehood may finally and literally materialize to bring home our dream of being taxed for a reason.

We have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Wonkette endorses… let’s see… Cyborg, because (a) they never sent us a press release with psychotic gibberish and (b) why not. EVERYONE GO VOTE FOR CY-BORG. It is time to WARBLOG.

TRUE NEWS: All of the candidates, except CYBORG, molest children in DC! Tell your neighbor!

Superhero DC Mayoral Election [NOI]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 56 comments }

V572625694 July 10, 2009 at 3:03 pm

“We have no idea what the fuck is going on.” Well stated. At least w/Marion Berry, you know why you’re in Denver.

SmutBoffin July 10, 2009 at 3:03 pm

CYBORG supports a SURGE in the number of troops sent to the MOON. Also, CYBORG has a ROBOT WANG.

Humpback July 10, 2009 at 3:04 pm

Where is Comic Book Guy when we need his infinite wit?

Judas Peckerwood July 10, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Voting early and often.

bored with gravity July 10, 2009 at 3:06 pm

More Cyborg = more Chinese Moon Wars. Mission accomplished!

Bearbloke July 10, 2009 at 3:06 pm

As a terrorist visitor to your Golden Shores, I’d like to know why the people of the Imperial District Of Columbia chose to re-elect this ‘Marion Berry’ fellow to public office – is he that amusing?

Sussemilch July 10, 2009 at 3:06 pm

But… I want to vote for the hot amazon chick that ties people up?

ladymacbeth July 10, 2009 at 3:06 pm

finally a war for our times.

InsidiousTuna July 10, 2009 at 3:07 pm

Cyborg would never put a bitch out in Denver for not sucking dick. He’s got my vote.

suchsweetthunder July 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm

I think I’d give my email address to Newsmax before I’d give it to the New Organizing Institute.

Snarkalicious July 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Good to know the Cy-Borg has the good grace to take his molestation breaks in, I believe, rural Maryland. Better that the gay half-robot underage buttsecks take place in a bucolic setting. You know, for balance.

Monsieur Grumpe July 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm

The Tick isn’t running? Spoooooooooooooooooooon!

rambone July 10, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Somehow warblogging just isn’t the same without a petulant Paultard or Freeper at the receiving end.

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Okay, I’m voting Batwoman because her campaign website has this quote from a blogger prominently displayed on it:
“if elected, she’d make history: She’d be the first Jewish lesbian superhero mayor since Ed Koch.”
(I’m still not sure why Bloomberg doesn’t count, but whatever).

jgrn307 July 10, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Um, I think the DC constitution specifically precludes non-DC characters from becoming mayor. Spider-man, show us your birth certificate!

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 10, 2009 at 3:12 pm

While I will obviously do my Lord Wonkette’s bidding, I will say that I was awfully tempted by the Green Lantern’s pro-pot stance.

slappypaddy July 10, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Aw, whaddo they know? Porky Pig is the obvious best choice, and she’s not even on the ballot (which I haven’t looked at but I am making an intuitive guess). I hear she’s coming down soon from the northlands where she’s been hunting wabbit and holding seances.

Tommmcatt July 10, 2009 at 3:15 pm

I support The Flaming Carrot, but, much like the biased coverage of Alan Keyes, his viewpoint is not presented in the MSM, or on the Wonkette.

Come here a minute July 10, 2009 at 3:15 pm

CYBORG: Mayor For Life — “Bitch set me up” ’09!

bureaucrap July 10, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Batwoman is a personal friend of mine, and I can vouch for “her” basic integrity. But I’m not voting because — what a f****n waste of time, especially for progressives. Hey progressives, those hobo beans don’t cook themselves, you know. Do something REAL!!!

problemwithcaring July 10, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=359789]V572625694[/re]: Spiderman responds to allegations that he dropped Mary Jane out of the sky, because she wouldn’t perform upside down fellatio.

Pithaughn July 10, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Well, this is obviously rigged. Why is no one allowed to vote for Santa Claus? Surely the first and most bestest super hero of all.

upsidedownpaddle July 10, 2009 at 3:19 pm

[re=359807]jgrn307[/re]: yes.

Extemporanus July 10, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Can we write in “Ace & Gary, The Ambiguously Gay Duo?”

Spike July 10, 2009 at 3:25 pm

There are a bunch of Green Lanterns. One, John Stewart, is black. Instead of running him, they ran one of the white Green Lanterns. For DC mayor? How stupid was that?

ALIVE! July 10, 2009 at 3:26 pm

[re=359804]rambone[/re]: You don’t think there’s a 99% overlap with the Paultards on this?

GreatOldOnesParty July 10, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Screw this superhero nonsense.
It’s not nearly as important as voting for the cutest girl in Anime!

http://www.internationalsaimoe.com/

Now THAT’s an election we can believe in!

Extemporanus July 10, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=359827]Extemporanus[/re]: Or better yet, how about The Rainbow Raider?

It may take some convincing to get him to come out of the phonebooth, but when he does, woo-hoo look out! He’s nothing short of superfagulous!

ffaristocrat July 10, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Why was Magneto, Master of Magnet, left off the ballot!

Mutant rights now! MAGNETO WAS RIGHT!

Crow T. Robot July 10, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Hell, I was in the bag for Green Lantern before I read that press release.

C’mon people, give up your cynicism and vote for the Lantern.

He’ll light our way.

Come here a minute July 10, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Vote for Cyborg, and all your wildest dreams will come true. Watch the video! TAKE THE POLL! [HuffPost]

ElectricRelaxation July 10, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Well, let’s see. Green Lantern (aka Hal Jordan)went apeshit after his hometown got blowed up and killed a bunch of other Lanterns for their rings – on the other hand, he died and came back and all was forgiven, sort of like Jesus, so there’s that. The Batgirl site mixes up the back stories of both Batgirls, also the younger Batgirl (along with Superman and Wonder Woman) is a furriner, so she can’t be trusted. The Atom? Ha ha, ok, apparently we’ve forgotten that the taller candidate ALWAYS wins. That leaves Cyborg and Spider-Man (who really should have a hyphen b/w “Spider” and “Man”, as per the Marvel Style Guide) and, well, let’s just say that one of those two is half robot, and you KNOW what that means…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my mom wants me to take out the garbage.

Lascauxcaveman July 10, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=359864]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: Wow. I see Sailor Moon is totally outclassed this year.

CollegeStudent July 10, 2009 at 4:19 pm

[re=359791]Humpback[/re]: Worst. Election. Ever.

Suds McKenzie July 10, 2009 at 4:25 pm

ohhh, … BAT BOY all the way, for everything!!

he was around waaay before “bitches” started setting people up.

mookworthjwilson July 10, 2009 at 4:29 pm

[re=359801]suchsweetthunder[/re]: I’d rather be hounded by NAMBLA than these folks…

El Bombastico July 10, 2009 at 4:34 pm

Don’t blame me, I voted for Howard the Duck.

Bing Shalimar July 10, 2009 at 4:35 pm

I’m voting for Lizard People.

Lets Go Vertigo July 10, 2009 at 4:42 pm

No mention of Etta Candy? Ambush Bug? Ragman? Paste-Pot Pete?

Pilate July 10, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Sorry, I voted for the Atom. His website was the best!

Godot July 10, 2009 at 4:54 pm

What’s Spider-Man doing in the race? This isn’t for mayor of Washington, Marvel!

jasper f. krone July 10, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Fuck that — I’m donating to the Freakazoid rLOVEution blimp. I plan to become a freaktard. (zoidtard? whatever.)

Bearbloke July 10, 2009 at 5:08 pm

[re=359955]Lets Go Vertigo[/re]: F!ck all those pansies – this is a job for a real man, Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milkman!

assistant/atlas July 10, 2009 at 5:23 pm

Sorry, Wonkette, I already voted for Batwoman–mostly because I am super pro-lesbian. Also, pro super-lesbian.

thursday July 10, 2009 at 5:51 pm

I’m voting for Cyborg. I’m assuming his hope to make DC the “Silicon Valley of the East Coast” is code for “we’re going to develop a line of exciting new hydraulic prosthetic robot penises.” Soon to be availible at Best Buy.

I’m going to name mine the Orphan Maker.

johnnypantalones July 10, 2009 at 7:23 pm

I’m writing in Ambush Bug.

Lazy Media July 10, 2009 at 7:42 pm

In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship evil’s might,
Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!

Yes, we can!

Lazy Media July 10, 2009 at 7:43 pm

[re=360003]Bearbloke[/re]: Doooood!!!!1!!! I don’t collect comics, particularly, but I do collect Reid Fleming.

schvitzatura July 10, 2009 at 8:37 pm

The Shoveller, because he’s shovel-ready, for all that sweet Obamaarbeitsdienststimulus lucre!

He’s got a blind date with destiny… and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster.

S.Luggo July 10, 2009 at 9:11 pm

Darn. Both nominations and voting are closed.
Smeg the DC Comics thing. I was going to nominate Cheney (aka, “The Anus of Evil”)

Others:
- Mark Sanford (“The Inter-American Governor of the L.U.V.“, or more simply, “Dickhead“.)
- John Ensign (sidekick of Sanford; uses the name, “The Promise Keeper“, and in his alternate persona, “The Mystery Gifter”.)
- Jenny Sanford (“Denial Woman”)
- John Boehner (“Burnt Tangerine”; also known as, “Melanoma Lad“)
- Sarah Palin (“Q-Girl”)
- Lindsay Graham (“Doctress No”)
- Eric Cantor (“Bag of Hammers Boy”)

Late breaking: Norm Coleman demands a recount.

doloras July 10, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I’m voting for Adrian Veidt, aka Ozymandias. He’s promised to support Nixon’s push to repeal the 22nd amendment.

Lascauxcaveman July 11, 2009 at 12:04 am

[re=360105]Lazy Media[/re]: World’s Toughest Milkman. I’ve got issue #1 somewhere (I think) buried in a pile of Zippy books, I think.

Interested?

Sabre_Justice July 11, 2009 at 9:06 am

I see they’re saving Deadpool for the Presidency.

Dr. Feelquestionable July 11, 2009 at 7:33 pm

In brightest day, in blackest night, no gridlock shall escape my sight

Bearbloke July 11, 2009 at 8:14 pm

[re=360179]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m listening… what are you suggesting?

infinitemonkeys July 12, 2009 at 8:17 pm

I hear the new Batwoman is homosexual, so you don’t have to go the Northstar friend of Green Lantern (ha!) route.

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