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Here’s what’s happening: a bunch of hippies inspired by the Nobama campaign are giving up consulting and corporate law to become Progressive Activists and Organizers, at least until the recession passes. They are enrolled in something called “New Organizing Institute Boot Camp” and, for Training, have been holding a mock election for DC mayor — young progressives nationwide care about DC zoning issues more than anything else — all week. It took us several days to understand this, as these e-mails with subject “Endorse the Green Lantern for DC Mayor” and such kept evading our spam filters. So with voting ending at 6, tonight, let’s make an “informed” endorsement!

Your choices are Atom, Batgirl, Batwoman, Cyborg, Green Lantern, Spiderman, Superman, and Wonderwoman, oh boy. Well RIGHT OFF THE BAT, “New Organizing Institute,” you should know that using alphabetical order on ballots can skew results with an apathetic voting bloc (us!) But anyway, this is the sort of stuff getting sent out from each campaign:

Additionally, word is that the Green Lantern has been hanging out with Steel (the African American Superman), a DC native, and who may be facilitating appearances at key churches and meetings with DC institutions like Fauntroy and Barry. It seems the Green Lantern is hip to the voting constituency of DC … word is he has a plan in the works for a whole host of projects east of the river, including the Green Lantern Corps to move its interstellar headquarters to Southeast DC.

As for other parts of the city, Ward 2 residents should rejoice that the Green Lantern is not letting the Marvel-DC comics divide get in the way of his friendship with Northstar, the openly gay member of the X-Men, and to help bring the Justice League to move their headquarters to the Atlas District for a revitalize NE campaign.

Last, we can be sure to one thing … with that mighty ring in hand, the Congressional votes for DC statehood may finally and literally materialize to bring home our dream of being taxed for a reason.

We have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Wonkette endorses… let’s see… Cyborg, because (a) they never sent us a press release with psychotic gibberish and (b) why not. EVERYONE GO VOTE FOR CY-BORG. It is time to WARBLOG.

TRUE NEWS: All of the candidates, except CYBORG, molest children in DC! Tell your neighbor!

Superhero DC Mayoral Election [NOI]

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56 COMMENTS

  1. As a terrorist visitor to your Golden Shores, I’d like to know why the people of the Imperial District Of Columbia chose to re-elect this ‘Marion Berry’ fellow to public office – is he that amusing?

  2. Good to know the Cy-Borg has the good grace to take his molestation breaks in, I believe, rural Maryland. Better that the gay half-robot underage buttsecks take place in a bucolic setting. You know, for balance.

  3. Okay, I’m voting Batwoman because her campaign website has this quote from a blogger prominently displayed on it:
    “if elected, she’d make history: She’d be the first Jewish lesbian superhero mayor since Ed Koch.”
    (I’m still not sure why Bloomberg doesn’t count, but whatever).

  4. Um, I think the DC constitution specifically precludes non-DC characters from becoming mayor. Spider-man, show us your birth certificate!

  5. While I will obviously do my Lord Wonkette’s bidding, I will say that I was awfully tempted by the Green Lantern’s pro-pot stance.

  6. Aw, whaddo they know? Porky Pig is the obvious best choice, and she’s not even on the ballot (which I haven’t looked at but I am making an intuitive guess). I hear she’s coming down soon from the northlands where she’s been hunting wabbit and holding seances.

  7. Batwoman is a personal friend of mine, and I can vouch for “her” basic integrity. But I’m not voting because — what a f****n waste of time, especially for progressives. Hey progressives, those hobo beans don’t cook themselves, you know. Do something REAL!!!

  8. [re=359789]V572625694[/re]: Spiderman responds to allegations that he dropped Mary Jane out of the sky, because she wouldn’t perform upside down fellatio.

  9. Well, this is obviously rigged. Why is no one allowed to vote for Santa Claus? Surely the first and most bestest super hero of all.

  10. There are a bunch of Green Lanterns. One, John Stewart, is black. Instead of running him, they ran one of the white Green Lanterns. For DC mayor? How stupid was that?

  11. Hell, I was in the bag for Green Lantern before I read that press release.

    C’mon people, give up your cynicism and vote for the Lantern.

    He’ll light our way.

  12. Well, let’s see. Green Lantern (aka Hal Jordan)went apeshit after his hometown got blowed up and killed a bunch of other Lanterns for their rings – on the other hand, he died and came back and all was forgiven, sort of like Jesus, so there’s that. The Batgirl site mixes up the back stories of both Batgirls, also the younger Batgirl (along with Superman and Wonder Woman) is a furriner, so she can’t be trusted. The Atom? Ha ha, ok, apparently we’ve forgotten that the taller candidate ALWAYS wins. That leaves Cyborg and Spider-Man (who really should have a hyphen b/w “Spider” and “Man”, as per the Marvel Style Guide) and, well, let’s just say that one of those two is half robot, and you KNOW what that means…

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, my mom wants me to take out the garbage.

  13. I’m voting for Cyborg. I’m assuming his hope to make DC the “Silicon Valley of the East Coast” is code for “we’re going to develop a line of exciting new hydraulic prosthetic robot penises.” Soon to be availible at Best Buy.

    I’m going to name mine the Orphan Maker.

  14. In brightest day, in blackest night,
    No evil shall escape my sight
    Let those who worship evil’s might,
    Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!

    Yes, we can!

  15. The Shoveller, because he’s shovel-ready, for all that sweet Obamaarbeitsdienststimulus lucre!

    He’s got a blind date with destiny… and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster.

  16. Darn. Both nominations and voting are closed.
    Smeg the DC Comics thing. I was going to nominate Cheney (aka, “The Anus of Evil”)

    Others:
    – Mark Sanford (“The Inter-American Governor of the L.U.V.“, or more simply, “Dickhead“.)
    – John Ensign (sidekick of Sanford; uses the name, “The Promise Keeper“, and in his alternate persona, “The Mystery Gifter”.)
    – Jenny Sanford (“Denial Woman”)
    – John Boehner (“Burnt Tangerine”; also known as, “Melanoma Lad“)
    – Sarah Palin (“Q-Girl”)
    – Lindsay Graham (“Doctress No”)
    – Eric Cantor (“Bag of Hammers Boy”)

    Late breaking: Norm Coleman demands a recount.

  17. [re=360105]Lazy Media[/re]: World’s Toughest Milkman. I’ve got issue #1 somewhere (I think) buried in a pile of Zippy books, I think.

    Interested?

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