warring

OKAY, You People Who Keep Asking Us To Endorse Various Superheroes For DC Mayor…

Here’s what’s happening: a bunch of hippies inspired by the Nobama campaign are giving up consulting and corporate law to become Progressive Activists and Organizers, at least until the recession passes. They are enrolled in something called “New Organizing Institute Boot Camp” and, for Training, have been holding a mock election for DC mayor — young progressives nationwide care about DC zoning issues more than anything else — all week. It took us several days to understand this, as these e-mails with subject “Endorse the Green Lantern for DC Mayor” and such kept evading our spam filters. So with voting ending at 6, tonight, let’s make an “informed” endorsement!

Your choices are Atom, Batgirl, Batwoman, Cyborg, Green Lantern, Spiderman, Superman, and Wonderwoman, oh boy. Well RIGHT OFF THE BAT, “New Organizing Institute,” you should know that using alphabetical order on ballots can skew results with an apathetic voting bloc (us!) But anyway, this is the sort of stuff getting sent out from each campaign:

Additionally, word is that the Green Lantern has been hanging out with Steel (the African American Superman), a DC native, and who may be facilitating appearances at key churches and meetings with DC institutions like Fauntroy and Barry. It seems the Green Lantern is hip to the voting constituency of DC … word is he has a plan in the works for a whole host of projects east of the river, including the Green Lantern Corps to move its interstellar headquarters to Southeast DC.

As for other parts of the city, Ward 2 residents should rejoice that the Green Lantern is not letting the Marvel-DC comics divide get in the way of his friendship with Northstar, the openly gay member of the X-Men, and to help bring the Justice League to move their headquarters to the Atlas District for a revitalize NE campaign.

Last, we can be sure to one thing … with that mighty ring in hand, the Congressional votes for DC statehood may finally and literally materialize to bring home our dream of being taxed for a reason.

We have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Wonkette endorses… let’s see… Cyborg, because (a) they never sent us a press release with psychotic gibberish and (b) why not. EVERYONE GO VOTE FOR CY-BORG. It is time to WARBLOG.

TRUE NEWS: All of the candidates, except CYBORG, molest children in DC! Tell your neighbor!

Superhero DC Mayoral Election [NOI]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  • V572625694

    “We have no idea what the fuck is going on.” Well stated. At least w/Marion Berry, you know why you’re in Denver.

  • SmutBoffin

    CYBORG supports a SURGE in the number of troops sent to the MOON. Also, CYBORG has a ROBOT WANG.

  • Humpback

    Where is Comic Book Guy when we need his infinite wit?

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Voting early and often.

  • bored with gravity

    More Cyborg = more Chinese Moon Wars. Mission accomplished!

  • Bearbloke

    As a terrorist visitor to your Golden Shores, I’d like to know why the people of the Imperial District Of Columbia chose to re-elect this ‘Marion Berry’ fellow to public office – is he that amusing?

  • Sussemilch

    But… I want to vote for the hot amazon chick that ties people up?

  • ladymacbeth

    finally a war for our times.

  • InsidiousTuna

    Cyborg would never put a bitch out in Denver for not sucking dick. He’s got my vote.

  • suchsweetthunder

    I think I’d give my email address to Newsmax before I’d give it to the New Organizing Institute.

  • Snarkalicious

    Good to know the Cy-Borg has the good grace to take his molestation breaks in, I believe, rural Maryland. Better that the gay half-robot underage buttsecks take place in a bucolic setting. You know, for balance.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    The Tick isn’t running? Spoooooooooooooooooooon!

  • rambone

    Somehow warblogging just isn’t the same without a petulant Paultard or Freeper at the receiving end.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Okay, I’m voting Batwoman because her campaign website has this quote from a blogger prominently displayed on it:
    “if elected, she’d make history: She’d be the first Jewish lesbian superhero mayor since Ed Koch.”
    (I’m still not sure why Bloomberg doesn’t count, but whatever).

  • jgrn307

    Um, I think the DC constitution specifically precludes non-DC characters from becoming mayor. Spider-man, show us your birth certificate!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    While I will obviously do my Lord Wonkette’s bidding, I will say that I was awfully tempted by the Green Lantern’s pro-pot stance.

  • slappypaddy

    Aw, whaddo they know? Porky Pig is the obvious best choice, and she’s not even on the ballot (which I haven’t looked at but I am making an intuitive guess). I hear she’s coming down soon from the northlands where she’s been hunting wabbit and holding seances.

  • Tommmcatt

    I support The Flaming Carrot, but, much like the biased coverage of Alan Keyes, his viewpoint is not presented in the MSM, or on the Wonkette.

  • Come here a minute

    CYBORG: Mayor For Life — “Bitch set me up” ’09!

  • bureaucrap

    Batwoman is a personal friend of mine, and I can vouch for “her” basic integrity. But I’m not voting because — what a f****n waste of time, especially for progressives. Hey progressives, those hobo beans don’t cook themselves, you know. Do something REAL!!!

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=359789]V572625694[/re]: Spiderman responds to allegations that he dropped Mary Jane out of the sky, because she wouldn’t perform upside down fellatio.

  • Pithaughn

    Well, this is obviously rigged. Why is no one allowed to vote for Santa Claus? Surely the first and most bestest super hero of all.

  • upsidedownpaddle

    [re=359807]jgrn307[/re]: yes.

  • Extemporanus

    Can we write in “Ace & Gary, The Ambiguously Gay Duo?”

  • Spike

    There are a bunch of Green Lanterns. One, John Stewart, is black. Instead of running him, they ran one of the white Green Lanterns. For DC mayor? How stupid was that?

  • ALIVE!

    [re=359804]rambone[/re]: You don’t think there’s a 99% overlap with the Paultards on this?

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    Screw this superhero nonsense.
    It’s not nearly as important as voting for the cutest girl in Anime!

    http://www.internationalsaimoe.com/

    Now THAT’s an election we can believe in!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=359827]Extemporanus[/re]: Or better yet, how about The Rainbow Raider?

    It may take some convincing to get him to come out of the phonebooth, but when he does, woo-hoo look out! He’s nothing short of superfagulous!

  • ffaristocrat

    Why was Magneto, Master of Magnet, left off the ballot!

    Mutant rights now! MAGNETO WAS RIGHT!

  • Crow T. Robot

    Hell, I was in the bag for Green Lantern before I read that press release.

    C’mon people, give up your cynicism and vote for the Lantern.

    He’ll light our way.

  • Come here a minute

    Vote for Cyborg, and all your wildest dreams will come true. Watch the video! TAKE THE POLL! [HuffPost]

  • ElectricRelaxation

    Well, let’s see. Green Lantern (aka Hal Jordan)went apeshit after his hometown got blowed up and killed a bunch of other Lanterns for their rings – on the other hand, he died and came back and all was forgiven, sort of like Jesus, so there’s that. The Batgirl site mixes up the back stories of both Batgirls, also the younger Batgirl (along with Superman and Wonder Woman) is a furriner, so she can’t be trusted. The Atom? Ha ha, ok, apparently we’ve forgotten that the taller candidate ALWAYS wins. That leaves Cyborg and Spider-Man (who really should have a hyphen b/w “Spider” and “Man”, as per the Marvel Style Guide) and, well, let’s just say that one of those two is half robot, and you KNOW what that means…

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, my mom wants me to take out the garbage.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=359864]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: Wow. I see Sailor Moon is totally outclassed this year.

  • CollegeStudent

    [re=359791]Humpback[/re]: Worst. Election. Ever.

  • Suds McKenzie

    ohhh, … BAT BOY all the way, for everything!!

    he was around waaay before “bitches” started setting people up.

  • mookworthjwilson

    [re=359801]suchsweetthunder[/re]: I’d rather be hounded by NAMBLA than these folks…

  • El Bombastico

    Don’t blame me, I voted for Howard the Duck.

  • Bing Shalimar

    I’m voting for Lizard People.

  • Lets Go Vertigo

    No mention of Etta Candy? Ambush Bug? Ragman? Paste-Pot Pete?

  • Pilate

    Sorry, I voted for the Atom. His website was the best!

  • Godot

    What’s Spider-Man doing in the race? This isn’t for mayor of Washington, Marvel!

  • jasper f. krone

    Fuck that — I’m donating to the Freakazoid rLOVEution blimp. I plan to become a freaktard. (zoidtard? whatever.)

  • Bearbloke

    [re=359955]Lets Go Vertigo[/re]: F!ck all those pansies – this is a job for a real man, Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milkman!

  • assistant/atlas

    Sorry, Wonkette, I already voted for Batwoman–mostly because I am super pro-lesbian. Also, pro super-lesbian.

  • thursday

    I’m voting for Cyborg. I’m assuming his hope to make DC the “Silicon Valley of the East Coast” is code for “we’re going to develop a line of exciting new hydraulic prosthetic robot penises.” Soon to be availible at Best Buy.

    I’m going to name mine the Orphan Maker.

  • johnnypantalones

    I’m writing in Ambush Bug.

  • Lazy Media

    In brightest day, in blackest night,
    No evil shall escape my sight
    Let those who worship evil’s might,
    Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!

    Yes, we can!

  • Lazy Media

    [re=360003]Bearbloke[/re]: Doooood!!!!1!!! I don’t collect comics, particularly, but I do collect Reid Fleming.

  • schvitzatura

    The Shoveller, because he’s shovel-ready, for all that sweet Obamaarbeitsdienststimulus lucre!

    He’s got a blind date with destiny… and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster.

  • S.Luggo

    Darn. Both nominations and voting are closed.
    Smeg the DC Comics thing. I was going to nominate Cheney (aka, “The Anus of Evil”)

    Others:
    – Mark Sanford (“The Inter-American Governor of the L.U.V.“, or more simply, “Dickhead“.)
    – John Ensign (sidekick of Sanford; uses the name, “The Promise Keeper“, and in his alternate persona, “The Mystery Gifter”.)
    – Jenny Sanford (“Denial Woman”)
    – John Boehner (“Burnt Tangerine”; also known as, “Melanoma Lad“)
    – Sarah Palin (“Q-Girl”)
    – Lindsay Graham (“Doctress No”)
    – Eric Cantor (“Bag of Hammers Boy”)

    Late breaking: Norm Coleman demands a recount.

  • doloras

    I’m voting for Adrian Veidt, aka Ozymandias. He’s promised to support Nixon’s push to repeal the 22nd amendment.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=360105]Lazy Media[/re]: World’s Toughest Milkman. I’ve got issue #1 somewhere (I think) buried in a pile of Zippy books, I think.

    Interested?

  • Sabre_Justice

    I see they’re saving Deadpool for the Presidency.

  • Dr. Feelquestionable

    In brightest day, in blackest night, no gridlock shall escape my sight

  • Bearbloke

    [re=360179]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m listening… what are you suggesting?

  • infinitemonkeys

    I hear the new Batwoman is homosexual, so you don’t have to go the Northstar friend of Green Lantern (ha!) route.