Wacky Gay Prince Prophecies End Of Earth, To The Month

  today in math sciences

I sporteth my Skirt in November, for it is no longer Chilly OutsideAn actual 21st-century human whose purpose in life is to slum around masturbating in the Royal Forest every day until his mother dies and he becomes “King of England,” after which his purpose in life will be to slum around masturbating in the Royal Forest every day, may never reacheth this apex of Masturbator-King of England — by his own divinations! Britannia’s beloved nut-child recently tooketh out his Golden TI-86 Calculator, entered Functions, and anatomized the percolations of his Arithmetick, only to ascertain — as orated by Royal Edict last e’en — “that we have just 96 months left to save the world.” Ball’s in your court, Gore. [Independent]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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59 comments

  1. SayItWithWookies

    Ah, Prince Charles — the Alan Keyes of the environmental movement. I have a hard time taking seriously anyone’s scientific pronouncements when said person is a firm believer in homeopathy. Homeopathy, as we know, comes from the Greek, meaning “same general effect as a placebo but costs ten times as much.” He is to climate change advocacy what Sean Penn was to the anti-Iraq invasion effort. I’m just happy that he has so little influence.

  2. lizard scum

    Let’s preemptively invade Canada in anticipation of that Northern Passage opening up.

  3. Wet Work

    Too late. MJ’s already dead.

    [re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: … and there’s a fine line between holistic and assholistic.

  4. lizard scum

    [re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So he’s the abortion (miscarriage?) of environmentalism?

  5. chascates

    Then Prince William can fancy dress in Nazi regalia and whore like there’s no tomorrow.

  6. Maus

    Dude’s brain is rotted. I can’t wait for him to backtrack and mewl about the next apocalypse.

  7. Lord Growing

    This poncy reprobate has always been bad at maths. I’d say at least double it.
    Fogger.

  8. Perfect Fifth

    Real men sit splay legged when wearing a kilt. Is he afraid someone’s stolen the royal family jewels?

  9. hobospacejunkie

    Prince Chuckie means well, and he’s done some good, perhaps most notably with his organic farm, but he, and royals in general, should never be out front on an issue. They should use whatever influence they have behind the scenes because, in the public’s eye, they’re as credible as actors, like aforementioned angerbear Sean Penn. Bonnie Prince Tampon in particular should go back to tormenting architects & leave prognostication to Nostrodamus.

  10. Dinner Dad

    [re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Considering his Woo embracing track record, I’m surprised that he didn’t pick December 21st, 2012 as the expiration date for planet Earth.

  11. Todd Mecklem

    Chuck knows talking about the environment sounds better than rattling on about his real concern…the fact that Her Mumesty won’t get off the throne and give him a chance to appear on the money. Sounds like a thinly veiled threat to me: either he’s made King or he’ll grab control of Britain’s real “crown jewels” and counteract global warming with a nice dose of nuclear winter…

  12. gurukalehuru

    Why didn’t he just say 8 years?
    Actually, everybody mocks Chuck just because he’s so mother dominated and will probably never be King, as old Betty and young William conspire to cut him out, and he has really ginormous ears, and preferred his boring, old unglamorous girlfriend to his young, exciting hot wife, but I think his warning, in this case, should be heeded.
    96 months. Better get cracking.

  13. Extemporanus

    [re=359303]Wet Work[/re]: [re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Quite right.

    Firm believers in homeopathy are predominantly assholistic, while firm believers in heteropathy are predominantly holistic.

    Those with more malleable beliefs—such as myself—tend to be wholistic.

  14. S.Luggo

    William the Conqueror whispered those same omninous words, but in lousy, Norman French, into the hairy ear of the Pope in order to receive the get-go to sell piss poor burgundy in the wine bars, art houses and fashion boutiques of the Anglo-Saxons. All downhill after that when the East Anglian clothiers refused to pay for so-called complimentary cruditees received with their afternoon brie and unsalted, garlic bisquittes.
    History has never been the same.

    Nor the English language.

  15. Suds McKenzie

    Hey I have that same Kilt!!

    .. is he still trying to be someones tampon??

    did he say something somewhere?

    his Aztec calendar is WAY off.

  16. honkyman

    Say what ye will aboot Bonnie Prince Charlie, but you must admit he was quite polite in handing Hong Kong back to the Red Chinese. I once had tea with the Prince in St James Palace and he was *quite* the gentleman, even though it was quite evident he had a tampon up his bum.

  17. S.Luggo

    “96 months“?
    Moistening his cracked lips, Tucker Carlson whispered those same words into the smooth-as-a-baby’s-bottom ear canal of Jeb Bush.
    Jeb responded, “How many days in a month? Gotta play some golf.”

  18. chascates

    When I worked at the paper here in Austin we almost published this little tidbit but didn’t lest offending who-knows-who.
    Some filmmaker was introduced to Prince Charles in a receiving line and he quipped “That’s a coincidence. I have an uncle who’s a photographer.” Meaning Lord Snowdon, at that time his uncle.
    To which the filmmaker replied “That is a coincidence. I have an uncle who’s a queen.”
    The news item said the Prince just turned to the next person and said hello, trying to forget what just happened.

  19. Zorg

    Oh, Charles, Charles…
    Had we but world enough, and time,
    This coyness, lady, were no crime.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    [re=359330]chascates[/re]: Certainly at Charles’ coronation England will be thrilled to see the torch pass from one tired old queen to another.

  21. chascates

    [re=359345]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And there’s the alleged story of the late Queen Mother who ordered her gin & tonic in the afternoon. When she didn’t get it quickly enough she called to her footmen and said, “When you old queens are done gossiping, this old queen would like a drink.”

  22. SayItWithWookies

    [re=359346]chascates[/re]: She was really an ex-queen — which makes me wonder why the evangelical gay-reformist movement didn’t put her out there more. So to speak.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    The worst part is that there are plenty of people who will believe anything Prince Charles says. Or Michael Jackson. Or Dr. Oz. Or Newt Gingrich. Check out these people — if they’re not a metaphor for the American voter sometimes, I don’t know what is.

    Lisa Kantorski took the call from the person who claimed to be a front-desk clerk about a gas leak in their hotel room near Orlando International Airport.

    She frantically relayed the information to her husband, Mark, an Indian River County deputy. He followed the caller’s instructions … and smashed the window of his room with a toilet tank.

    “When I broke the window, I got suspicious,” Mark said. “It didn’t seem right, but she [Lisa] was panicking, so I continued.”

    Dear visiting space aliens: It’s too late to save us. Run away and save yourselves. Best of luck.

  24. chascates

    [re=359355]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Jeebus! That’s a big jump from ‘Prince Albert in a can.’

  25. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    For God’s sake, let us sit upon the ground
    And tell sad stories of the death of kings;
    How some have been deposed; some slain in war,
    Some haunted by the ghosts they have deposed;
    Some poison’d by their wives: some sleeping kill’d;
    All murder’d: for within the hollow crown
    That rounds the mortal temples of a king
    Keeps Death his court and there the antic sits,
    Scoffing his state and grinning at his pomp,
    Allowing him a breath, a little scene,
    To monarchize, be fear’d and kill with looks,
    Infusing him with self and vain conceit,
    As if this flesh which walls about our life,
    Were brass impregnable, and humour’d thus
    Comes at the last and with a little pin
    Bores through his castle wall, and farewell king!

  26. LoweredPeninsula

    Bless his heart, poor incestuously-conceived mutant offspring of the Crown.

    He means well. And, I’d much rather him be interested in, and talking about, this instead of the usual laziness of royals. That said, I agree with a poster, above, who said he should be working behind the scenes and leaving the alarmism to the pros.

  27. Below the Beltway

    In the immortal words of Eddie Izzard, this is what happens when cousins marry.

  28. LoweredPeninsula

    [re=359368]Below the Beltway[/re]: Just thank god that him and Camilla can’t breed; that spawn would be even worse than that of married cousins, for true. It’d be some strange human-horse hybrid, like a stranger Sarah Jessica Parker if that’s at all biologically possible.

  29. ServiceJervixJuice

    Prince Charles was relaxing while being fellated by the Groom of the Stool.

    After a time, the Groom looked up and said, “Excuse me sir, but you’ve come.”

    “Eh? Oh, so I have, thank you.” replied the Prince

  30. Hunger Tallest Palin

    Dear God, Brit Royalty is a pack of malformed muthafuckahs. Seriously, someone needs to marry a nice girl or boy from another continent before they start giving birth to giant, toothy ears.

  31. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Imminent destruction of the world means the Bunny doesn’t have to wear condoms. So, win!

  32. finallyhappy

    [re=359323]S.Luggo[/re]: damn east anglians with their wool baron churches and the pargetting on their cottages.

  33. ph7

    The good news is that it’s 95 months, 29 days, 23 hours and 56 minutes more than Madonna gives us.

  34. Terry

    [re=359346]chascates[/re]:

    The Queen Mum had style, didn’t she? She also deserves honor for her behavior during the Blitz.

    On another subject, I think Charles is probably the only one in the English speaking world who doesn’t realize that his mother is trying to figure out how to skip the crown right over him to his eldest son.

  35. TGY

    I imagine a significant amount of carbon dioxide could be saved by abolishing the monarchy.

  36. CorkPopper

    Some men can wear a kilt and not look ridiculous. Billy Connolly, for example. Prince Charles, alas, is not one of them.

Comments are closed.