TODAY IN MATH SCIENCES  11:34 pm July 9, 2009

Wacky Gay Prince Prophecies End Of Earth, To The Month

by Jim Newell

I sporteth my Skirt in November, for it is no longer Chilly OutsideAn actual 21st-century human whose purpose in life is to slum around masturbating in the Royal Forest every day until his mother dies and he becomes “King of England,” after which his purpose in life will be to slum around masturbating in the Royal Forest every day, may never reacheth this apex of Masturbator-King of England — by his own divinations! Britannia’s beloved nut-child recently tooketh out his Golden TI-86 Calculator, entered Functions, and anatomized the percolations of his Arithmetick, only to ascertain — as orated by Royal Edict last e’en — “that we have just 96 months left to save the world.” Ball’s in your court, Gore. [Independent]


Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Mr Blifil July 9, 2009 at 11:40 pm

Nah. Gah. Hah. Pah.

dennymcden July 9, 2009 at 11:40 pm

OMG! He looks like MARK SANFORD.

SayItWithWookies July 9, 2009 at 11:48 pm

Ah, Prince Charles — the Alan Keyes of the environmental movement. I have a hard time taking seriously anyone’s scientific pronouncements when said person is a firm believer in homeopathy. Homeopathy, as we know, comes from the Greek, meaning “same general effect as a placebo but costs ten times as much.” He is to climate change advocacy what Sean Penn was to the anti-Iraq invasion effort. I’m just happy that he has so little influence.

lizard scum July 9, 2009 at 11:51 pm

Let’s preemptively invade Canada in anticipation of that Northern Passage opening up.

Monsieur Grumpe July 10, 2009 at 12:02 am

He looks more like a TI-85 kind of guy to me.

Wet Work July 10, 2009 at 12:02 am

Too late. MJ’s already dead.

[re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: … and there’s a fine line between holistic and assholistic.

lizard scum July 10, 2009 at 12:03 am

[re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So he’s the abortion (miscarriage?) of environmentalism?

chascates July 10, 2009 at 12:03 am

Then Prince William can fancy dress in Nazi regalia and whore like there’s no tomorrow.

Maus July 10, 2009 at 12:09 am

Dude’s brain is rotted. I can’t wait for him to backtrack and mewl about the next apocalypse.

Lord Growing July 10, 2009 at 12:11 am

This poncy reprobate has always been bad at maths. I’d say at least double it.

Perfect Fifth July 10, 2009 at 12:12 am

Real men sit splay legged when wearing a kilt. Is he afraid someone’s stolen the royal family jewels?

lizard scum July 10, 2009 at 12:13 am

[re=359305]chascates[/re]: Are you thinking of Max Mosley, the Formula One president?


hobospacejunkie July 10, 2009 at 12:14 am

Prince Chuckie means well, and he’s done some good, perhaps most notably with his organic farm, but he, and royals in general, should never be out front on an issue. They should use whatever influence they have behind the scenes because, in the public’s eye, they’re as credible as actors, like aforementioned angerbear Sean Penn. Bonnie Prince Tampon in particular should go back to tormenting architects & leave prognostication to Nostrodamus.

Perfect Fifth July 10, 2009 at 12:15 am

Oh, the ball’s in Gore’s court. That’s what happened.

Dinner Dad July 10, 2009 at 12:29 am

[re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Considering his Woo embracing track record, I’m surprised that he didn’t pick December 21st, 2012 as the expiration date for planet Earth.

Todd Mecklem July 10, 2009 at 12:35 am

Chuck knows talking about the environment sounds better than rattling on about his real concern…the fact that Her Mumesty won’t get off the throne and give him a chance to appear on the money. Sounds like a thinly veiled threat to me: either he’s made King or he’ll grab control of Britain’s real “crown jewels” and counteract global warming with a nice dose of nuclear winter…

gurukalehuru July 10, 2009 at 12:36 am

Why didn’t he just say 8 years?
Actually, everybody mocks Chuck just because he’s so mother dominated and will probably never be King, as old Betty and young William conspire to cut him out, and he has really ginormous ears, and preferred his boring, old unglamorous girlfriend to his young, exciting hot wife, but I think his warning, in this case, should be heeded.
96 months. Better get cracking.

chascates July 10, 2009 at 12:38 am

[re=359309]lizard scum[/re]: It’s actually Prince Harry the Spare I was thinking of:
‘Harry says sorry for Nazi costume’

Extemporanus July 10, 2009 at 12:40 am

[re=359303]Wet Work[/re]: [re=359298]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Quite right.

Firm believers in homeopathy are predominantly assholistic, while firm believers in heteropathy are predominantly holistic.

Those with more malleable beliefs—such as myself—tend to be wholistic.

S.Luggo July 10, 2009 at 12:40 am

96 months? What’s that in metric?

S.Luggo July 10, 2009 at 12:45 am

William the Conqueror whispered those same omninous words, but in lousy, Norman French, into the hairy ear of the Pope in order to receive the get-go to sell piss poor burgundy in the wine bars, art houses and fashion boutiques of the Anglo-Saxons. All downhill after that when the East Anglian clothiers refused to pay for so-called complimentary cruditees received with their afternoon brie and unsalted, garlic bisquittes.
History has never been the same.

Nor the English language.

Suds McKenzie July 10, 2009 at 12:50 am

Hey I have that same Kilt!!

.. is he still trying to be someones tampon??

did he say something somewhere?

his Aztec calendar is WAY off.

honkyman July 10, 2009 at 12:52 am

Say what ye will aboot Bonnie Prince Charlie, but you must admit he was quite polite in handing Hong Kong back to the Red Chinese. I once had tea with the Prince in St James Palace and he was *quite* the gentleman, even though it was quite evident he had a tampon up his bum.

S.Luggo July 10, 2009 at 1:01 am

“96 months“?
Moistening his cracked lips, Tucker Carlson whispered those same words into the smooth-as-a-baby’s-bottom ear canal of Jeb Bush.
Jeb responded, “How many days in a month? Gotta play some golf.”

chascates July 10, 2009 at 1:05 am

When I worked at the paper here in Austin we almost published this little tidbit but didn’t lest offending who-knows-who.
Some filmmaker was introduced to Prince Charles in a receiving line and he quipped “That’s a coincidence. I have an uncle who’s a photographer.” Meaning Lord Snowdon, at that time his uncle.
To which the filmmaker replied “That is a coincidence. I have an uncle who’s a queen.”
The news item said the Prince just turned to the next person and said hello, trying to forget what just happened.

BMK July 10, 2009 at 1:23 am

When your balls get too much breeze…

Zorg July 10, 2009 at 1:41 am

Oh, Charles, Charles…
Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.

facehead July 10, 2009 at 1:46 am

That photo of Obama checking out that babe’s seat cushions has been re-captioned by teh Drudge:

Dolmance July 10, 2009 at 1:49 am

It’s a treat to beat your meat when you’re standing on the peat.

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2009 at 2:16 am

[re=359330]chascates[/re]: Certainly at Charles’ coronation England will be thrilled to see the torch pass from one tired old queen to another.

chascates July 10, 2009 at 2:21 am

[re=359345]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And there’s the alleged story of the late Queen Mother who ordered her gin & tonic in the afternoon. When she didn’t get it quickly enough she called to her footmen and said, “When you old queens are done gossiping, this old queen would like a drink.”

Smoke Filled Roommate July 10, 2009 at 2:27 am

Eight years from now, we’ll all just go live in his ears.

Sassette July 10, 2009 at 2:44 am

Oh cool, that’s way longer than the four minutes Madonna said we had!

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2009 at 2:49 am

[re=359346]chascates[/re]: She was really an ex-queen — which makes me wonder why the evangelical gay-reformist movement didn’t put her out there more. So to speak.

Smoke Filled Roommate July 10, 2009 at 2:50 am

Actually, Queen Charles, as pictured here is quite fitting, indeed!

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2009 at 2:57 am

The worst part is that there are plenty of people who will believe anything Prince Charles says. Or Michael Jackson. Or Dr. Oz. Or Newt Gingrich. Check out these people — if they’re not a metaphor for the American voter sometimes, I don’t know what is.

Lisa Kantorski took the call from the person who claimed to be a front-desk clerk about a gas leak in their hotel room near Orlando International Airport.

She frantically relayed the information to her husband, Mark, an Indian River County deputy. He followed the caller’s instructions … and smashed the window of his room with a toilet tank.

“When I broke the window, I got suspicious,” Mark said. “It didn’t seem right, but she [Lisa] was panicking, so I continued.”

Dear visiting space aliens: It’s too late to save us. Run away and save yourselves. Best of luck.

SayItWithWookies July 10, 2009 at 2:58 am
chascates July 10, 2009 at 3:22 am

[re=359355]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Jeebus! That’s a big jump from ‘Prince Albert in a can.’

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 10, 2009 at 3:54 am

For God’s sake, let us sit upon the ground
And tell sad stories of the death of kings;
How some have been deposed; some slain in war,
Some haunted by the ghosts they have deposed;
Some poison’d by their wives: some sleeping kill’d;
All murder’d: for within the hollow crown
That rounds the mortal temples of a king
Keeps Death his court and there the antic sits,
Scoffing his state and grinning at his pomp,
Allowing him a breath, a little scene,
To monarchize, be fear’d and kill with looks,
Infusing him with self and vain conceit,
As if this flesh which walls about our life,
Were brass impregnable, and humour’d thus
Comes at the last and with a little pin
Bores through his castle wall, and farewell king!

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 10, 2009 at 3:55 am

Al Gore: I can destroy the Earth in just 94 months!

LoweredPeninsula July 10, 2009 at 5:30 am

Bless his heart, poor incestuously-conceived mutant offspring of the Crown.

He means well. And, I’d much rather him be interested in, and talking about, this instead of the usual laziness of royals. That said, I agree with a poster, above, who said he should be working behind the scenes and leaving the alarmism to the pros.

Below the Beltway July 10, 2009 at 7:14 am

In the immortal words of Eddie Izzard, this is what happens when cousins marry.

Bearbloke July 10, 2009 at 7:23 am

[re=359368]Below the Beltway[/re]: But he’s such an accomplished Military man… as described in the from The Holy Wikipedia…

LoweredPeninsula July 10, 2009 at 7:26 am

[re=359368]Below the Beltway[/re]: Just thank god that him and Camilla can’t breed; that spawn would be even worse than that of married cousins, for true. It’d be some strange human-horse hybrid, like a stranger Sarah Jessica Parker if that’s at all biologically possible.

ServiceJervixJuice July 10, 2009 at 7:27 am

Prince Charles was relaxing while being fellated by the Groom of the Stool.

After a time, the Groom looked up and said, “Excuse me sir, but you’ve come.”

“Eh? Oh, so I have, thank you.” replied the Prince

Hunger Tallest Palin July 10, 2009 at 7:34 am

Dear God, Brit Royalty is a pack of malformed muthafuckahs. Seriously, someone needs to marry a nice girl or boy from another continent before they start giving birth to giant, toothy ears.

Naked Bunny with a Whip July 10, 2009 at 7:39 am

Imminent destruction of the world means the Bunny doesn’t have to wear condoms. So, win!

finallyhappy July 10, 2009 at 8:01 am

[re=359323]S.Luggo[/re]: damn east anglians with their wool baron churches and the pargetting on their cottages.

Bearbloke July 10, 2009 at 8:05 am

[re=359371]ServiceJervixJuice[/re]: ah, yes, The Groom of the Stool – good work if you can get it!

ph7 July 10, 2009 at 8:21 am

The good news is that it’s 95 months, 29 days, 23 hours and 56 minutes more than Madonna gives us.

Terry July 10, 2009 at 8:26 am


The Queen Mum had style, didn’t she? She also deserves honor for her behavior during the Blitz.

On another subject, I think Charles is probably the only one in the English speaking world who doesn’t realize that his mother is trying to figure out how to skip the crown right over him to his eldest son.

Mahousu July 10, 2009 at 8:56 am

[re=359321]S.Luggo[/re]: Around 250 megaseconds. Hope this helps.

head58 July 10, 2009 at 9:02 am

Hurry, Star Force!

TGY July 10, 2009 at 9:45 am

I imagine a significant amount of carbon dioxide could be saved by abolishing the monarchy.

CorkPopper July 10, 2009 at 10:09 am

Some men can wear a kilt and not look ridiculous. Billy Connolly, for example. Prince Charles, alas, is not one of them.

TGY July 10, 2009 at 10:13 am

And that’s supposed to be ‘merry’ monarch.

azw88 July 10, 2009 at 11:16 am

[re=359302]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: No, more of a TI-99/4A kind of guy. Nothing like saving you games to a cassette tape!!

heroinmule July 10, 2009 at 11:30 am

96 months — are we a race of toddlers?

imissopus July 10, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Alt. text win.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: