Lame Ensign Scandal Getting Super-Funny In A Hurry

  moooooooom

John Ensign's parents are hot!It was bad enough for sex person John Ensign when his mistress’ husband (his friend Doug Hampton!) claimed that Ensign paid Cindy Hampton $25,000 in severance when she left his PAC, because this may have been a campaign finance violation of some sort. Damn you, John McCain! But NOW, in the necessary legal response Ensign’s lawyer has had to issue, we are provided with High Comedy: it was actually $96,000… and Ensign had to ask Mommy and Daddy pay it. Did Ensign have to mow the lawn in return?

God, we’d rather just take the campaign finance penalty than have to release this to the Internet:

In April 2008, Senator John Ensign’s parents each made gifts to Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton, and two of their children in the form of a check totaling $96,000. Each gift was limited to $12,000. The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts.

After the Senator told his parents about the affair, his parents decided to make the gifts out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time. The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others.

None of the gifts came from campaign or official funds nor were they related to any campaign or official duties. Senator Ensign has complied with all applicable laws and Senate ethics rules.

 
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Paul Coggins
Fish & Richardson P.C.

Counsel for Senator John Ensign

This is a whole new level of loserdom. Sure, David Vitter wore diapers, but he didn’t make his mother change them.

Ensign Still Bringing Dirty Laundry Home To Be Washed [TPM]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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131 comments

  1. chascates

    From TPM:
    Now that Sen. Coburn (R-OK) has said he will not answer any questions about his conversations with Sen. Ensign (R-NV) because he was acting as his physician (and spiritual counselor), TPM Reader DE reminds us that Dr. Coburn is an OB/Gyn.

    A deeper scandal than we’d ever imagined?

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    Note to self: Send John Ensign’s parents a nice note including date of your birthday.

  3. V572625694

    Let me repeat from the previous post:

    Thank you Jeebus for your glorious gift of repeated humiliations for Republican hypocrites. Moar, please!

  4. Dave J.

    In April 2008, Senator John Ensign’s parents each made gifts to Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton, and two of their children in the form of a check totaling $96,000.

    Don’t they have three kids?

  5. Vanity Smurf

    “a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others.”

    How many more women have his parents paid off for having sex with him? This is Bush League parental bail out territory.

  6. bfstevie

    Larry Craig gave me a hand job in a men’s room and all I got was this lousy tee shirt.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    How the not-campaign-funds-in-any-way money was laundered in 3…2…1…

  8. you cannot be serious

    John Ensign quotes Elaine Benes: “I have to go see my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they’re all LAID OUT for me.”

  9. S.Luggo

    “The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others.” A lawyer wrote that and, dangit, I gotta believe him.

    Next, I wanna hear about the Ensign family pattern of generosity to John’s bail fund. And Nambla.

  10. Below the Beltway

    Say, Mom, I need $96,000 in blackmail money to pay off my married lover. . .

  11. kipperthegod

    Unless I’m mistaken, didn’t Eliot Spitzer spend about $100,000 on his hooker over ten years or so? Continued proof that Dems are more fiscally responsible than Repugnicans.

  12. PrairiePossum

    “Senator John Ensign’s parents each made gifts to Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton, and two of their children in the form of a check totaling $96,000. Each gift was limited to $12,000.”

    Great Jeebus on a stick! They not only paid the whore, they paid the whore’s husband and children!

    Does Hallmark sell money holder cards that read, “Thanks for letting my boy screw your wife and mommy. Now go buy yourselves something real nice.”

  13. slappypaddy

    ensign, you’re a big boy, what are you doing holding onto mama’s apron strings so tight?

  14. ph7

    The kids each got two checks totalling $24K from complete strangers, just because their Mom fucked some Senator?

    Luckiest kids on earth. Bet they are sending out invitations to the other 49 Senators.

  15. Mr Blifil

    Senator Ensign has complied with all applicable laws and Senate ethics rules.

    I find it refreshing that having one’s parents pay off your mistress and her family is within the applicable Senate ethics rules. Presumably those rules also allow for the sucking of blood from the gushing neck of a recently decapitated chicken, while defecating into a hat from a standing position.

  16. Dave J.

    It would be interesting to see if the kids actually kept that money. I’m trying to think if I would have been ok at that age with my mom banging a Senator if I got 24K out of it.

  17. Hooray For Anything

    Just when the Republicans thought they had put all their sex scandals behind them, bam. I wonder which celebrity they’ll have to kill this time to make everyone forget about it.

  18. ManchuCandidate

    Hello mother, hello father,
    Here I am at Camp Bang-ya.
    Camp is very entertaining,
    And she says we’ll have some fun if I stop writing!

    I was fucking with Cindy Hampton,
    She needs a brand new home.
    You remember Douglas Hampton,
    He got mad last night when he caught us!

    Give me cash, oh mother, father.
    Give me cash, I hate Bang-Ya.
    Don’t send me checks in my own name,
    Where I might get screwed by the taxman!

  19. Prommie

    Hmm, the gift tax annual exclusion allows you to give $12,000 to any one individual, each year, with no gift tax accruing; so, Mommy gives $12,000 to each of the 4 Hamptons, and Daddy gives $12,000 to each of the 4 Hamptons, wow, they actually had this figured into their estate tax planning.

    But it sure was lucrative, Cindy’s family should just set up a business whoring her out to senators for $96,000 a pop.

  20. rambone

    You’d think the Senator from Nevada would be able to find a cheaper way to get laid.

    Anywho, I’m thinking that “gift” pretext is gonna require an apology from Mr. Ensign right quick cause that tweren’t no gift, ergo taxes must be paid to the man!

  21. Bearbloke

    “Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance? I need to pay-off some chick I was bangin’ on the side, or her husband will spill the beans – do you have $100K handy?”

  22. TGY

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: What a beautiful summit!

    We at GHOPAC remind the community that you have to divide $96 grand by the number of tricks before rewarding ‘ho diamonds’, a formula known as ‘pay-as-you-boff’.

  23. Dave J.

    [re=359059]Prommie[/re]: Is there a cap of $100,000 total or something like that? I’m just trying to figure out why they only paid off two of the three kids. They were at 96K, so anything to the 3rd kid would have put them over the 100K mark.

  24. JohnnyMac

    [re=359057]Jim Newell[/re]: Nice to see the BanHammer is still well-oiled and ready at a moments notice but aren’t you worried you may have just booted your potential new Asst. Editor Meg McCabe?

  25. ph7

    [re=359059]Prommie[/re]: Let’s hope an IRS agent calls bullshit. After all, even Hampton, the recipient, called it a “severance.” I think, legally, a “gift” requires the absence of a qui pro quo. Pretty sure that $96,000 came with a clear “Now shut the fuck up” exepctation.

  26. kdaddy

    Gee, I can imagine telling my folks(The Colonel and Mrs.) “I’ve been accidentally peening some
    married gal and now her family needs 100k or they can never laugh again”. Dad would get the
    shovel while Mom held me down.

  27. CorkPopper

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: Whoa! Has Michelle seen that? Barry better bring something nicer than a DVD set back from Italy after checking out that booty in such a non-subtle, non-nuanced way.

  28. Min

    I can just imagine the reaction, if I asked my parents to pay off my married lover and his/her husband. I believe the words “hell” and “no” would have been used.

  29. WadISay

    I’m beginning to think that all this hot sex, hot money, dissembling, lawyering up, quitting when the going gets tough and ethical edginess is part of some genious master plan by Michael Steele to make the Republican Party look like the party of fun.

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: That is a classic. If Barry was looking anyplace else, my gaydar would have gone off.

  30. taylormattd

    Senator Ensign’s mom looks like a serious ballbuster in that photo. Fuckin’ nag.

  31. Oldskool

    When the Dougie yanked that $12k away from his kids, I bet they looked like the girl on the commercial who only got a toy horse.

  32. ShamWow

    Do Doug and the kiddies have to return the money now that he is blabbing all over the place about Ensign banging his wife? If so, those kids must be pissed. I’d be.

  33. One Yield Regular

    Do think maybe the Mr. and Mrs. Ensign could extend that pattern of generosity to some of the rest of us? Half the people I know have been out of work for a year, and would settle for a single $12,000 check from EITHER of them. Is sex required?

    [re=359063]tunamelt[/re]: Except that it’s flawed in a significant way: Berlusconi’s hand clearly isn’t in the picture.

  34. widestanceromancer

    To have her son got caught with a real, live, vagina-having woman is all the thanks a Republican Mom could ever dream of.

    Oh, and Jim, you said mow the lawn.

  35. queeraselvis v 2.0

    I call bullshit on Ensign’s so-called lawyers “Fish and Richardson.” Everyone knows he enlisted the fine legal expertise of Dewey, Fuckem, & Howe.

  36. Pithaughn

    Damn you all to hell! I just got written up for inappropriate web surfing on company time/PC!
    Especially you Mr. Mr Blifil. I was getting up on the floor (ROFLMAO) when the evil VP walked by my dungeon area and looked at the dpravity of Wonkette, laying down a thick cloud of shit flavored snark on his R heroes.

  37. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: That sound you hear is thousands of heads of aryan nation boys exploding.

  38. Gopherit

    If you pay off your mistress, does that make her a whore? And how many whore diamonds do you give a woman worth almost $100K for a roll in the hay?

  39. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=359072]Formerly Preferred[/re]: That’s great, too. They are in Italy, which is an incredibly sexy place, so no surprise what’s on their minds.

  40. Jukesgrrl

    It’s no wonder Hampie is still bitchin’. $96,000 isn’t that much when you still owe over a million on a house that is now worth $800,000. (Thanks, Summerlin real estate market!) Prayers don’t pay the bills (unless you’re a televangelist).

  41. Aquannissiwamissoo

    So let me get this very very straight. If me and some prostitute go up to Sen. John Ensign and she rubs his thang and then he does her … then … I get paid !!!!

    Isn’t this like being a pimp? But legal?

  42. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=359066]Dave J.[/re]: there’s a lifetime cap of somewhere around $1m, which may have played into their stiffing (as it were) of the third kid.

  43. slappypaddy

    [re=359095]Pithaughn[/re]: a casualty in the snark wars, we will never forget you (‘never’ being subject to sliding definition, much as are senate ethics)

  44. rambone

    [re=359095]Pithaughn[/re]: If I were you, I’d quit in protest. I did just that at my last job when they tried to take my Wonkette away from me.

    I’ve been unemployed for the last 1.5 years. I’m poor now and have had to resort to sustaining myself on pure snark. The moral of the story is, don’t take advice from anyone who has any connection with Wonkette.

  45. azw88

    Hey Ensign, you can doink my wife for a cool $100K $200K if I have to watch. $300K if she actually wakes up.

  46. nappyduggs

    Some grown-ass white man with a good-ass job had to ask his momma and daddy for a poon payday loan.

    I’ll have to remember this the next time I get a little mopey and accidentally take a few extra pills at dinner time.

    Thank you, Mr. Jim!

  47. NoWireHangers

    Sure, David Vitter wore diapers, but he didn’t make his mother change them.

    That we know of…

  48. S.Luggo

    Nevada Revised Statutes 205.320 A person is guilty of extortion if, with the intent to gain something, he directly or indirectly threatens:

    4. To expose or impute to any person any deformity or disgrace; or
    5. To expose any secret [unfavorable to the reputation that threatened exposure thereof would be likely to induce him through fear to pay out money or property for the purpose of avoiding the exposure.]
    *********
    I wonder what Ensign’s deformity is?

  49. problemwithcaring

    [re=359077]Min[/re]: Yea. This smells like when my brother-in-law “sold” his house to his mother in the shortsale. Or when our cousin, who receives social security, lets my sister claim his kids for her taxes.

    His folks didn’t contribute to his campaign, but they buy his puss-puss? That’s some Christian love.

  50. Tommmcatt

    [re=359117]S.Luggo[/re]:

    A withered sense of dignity and responsibility, I would think.

  51. hobospacejunkie

    [re=359039]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Until I read a direct quote from Vitter’s mom denying it, I’m going to assume she never STOPPED changing his diaper. She probably lives with him for the sole purpose of doing so.

  52. Georgia Burning

    Daddy Ensign is CEO of the Mandalay Bay resort group in Vegas. $96K is just a Bill Bennett virtuous afternoon at the $500 slots.

  53. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    [re=359072]Formerly Preferred[/re]: Excellent! Only fair that someone check out Hopey’s ass in return. “I am random G8 woman and I approve that fine American ass.”

  54. Snarkalicious

    [re=359026]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Make sure to include whether or not the Senator banged you so they know how much to send.

  55. Todd Mecklem

    When I broke up with my mistress, all my parents sent her was a Big Mouth Billy Bass they’d picked up at a garage sale. I feel so cheap!

  56. Dave J.

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: What’s the over/under on “number of Republican officials who will be forced to resign after attaching that pic to Facebook or Twitter along with a predictably racist comment”? I’ll put it at four.

  57. paintitblack

    [re=359136]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: woo hoo & yes, yes! I volunteer to check out our national leader’s ass any ole day of the week (sorry ‘Schelle). Love that photo, esp Sarkozy doing that Froggie-maurice chevalier hey-hey, babe, thing. Barry is so much more interesting (eg, eye candy) that mommy-boy, tube sock Ensign.

  58. WadISay

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: NOBAMA IZ BAOWING AGIN!!!1!

    If I were this lady, I would definitely have this on my Facebook page.

  59. A Better American Than YOU

    I wasn’t trying to proposition that lady on the street corner, officer. I was just offering her a little severance.

  60. Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: Let this be a lesson to John Ensign, admire the architecture, don’t fuck it.

  61. WickedWitch

    Between this and Marion Barry, I need to go lie down in a darkened room with a cold compress.

  62. BlueStateLibtard

    [re=359076]CorkPopper[/re]: Now she’ll be throwing a frying pan at him and I wouldn’t blame her! Hopey better start thinking quick before she sees that!

  63. azw88

    [re=359185]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: That’s right, just because a man is on a diet, doesn’t mean he can’t look at the menu. But then again Obama has Prime Rime at home where as Ensign had cold salad, he needed some beef, and his friend had prime cuts just laying around….

  64. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=359107]rambone[/re]: On the plus side you’re losing some of that extra weight you’ve been packing around, eh?

    (I hear starving does that for some people.)

  65. El Pinche

    [re=359198]azw88[/re]: Larry Craig likes the tossed cob salad. I heard he tears it up.

  66. agitpropster

    …Ensign family to the Hamptons??

    No one I know in Sag Harbor will rent to Mormons.

  67. lmj

    Help me. I am simple. 4 x 12 = 48. Was the total giftiness 8 checks, 12K each, or what? Or was each 12K gift cut out of the 96K arbitrarily to fit some sort of pesky legal requirement.

    “Thanks for he 24K gift.”
    “No, let’s get that straight, I gave you two gifts of 12K each.”

    Or am I just stupid and don’t understand?

  68. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    http://www.politico.com/blogs/anneschroeder/0609/First_pictures_of_Cindy_Hampton.html

    Sorry to link to “they-who-shall-not-be-linked-to” but this is a big WTF? I’m dumbfounded as to why he’d throw over Mrs. Ensign for Crazy Face McGee, unless he’s harboring a secret thing for Ms. Bachman, She of the Baby Farming Ilk. But even then, I’m sure he could score with that without too much effort, after all I think jingling keys in front of her would distract her long enough to at least cop a feel.

  69. slappypaddy

    [re=359223]lmj[/re]: cross your eyes and you will see clearly now. mumsy and poopsy both cut four checks apiece, $12K apiece, for as you suspected, $96K total, which the general wonkettie consensus has been is both not bad pay for a lay and a not-bad shakedown of mumsy and poopsy by a grown man who is also a united states senator, may the lord have mercy on our heathen souls.

  70. Scandalabra

    Love that picture. I used to produce 15 of those a day for Cosmo. 15 models, a location and “scenarios” “Drive your Man Wild with Co-Dependent Taint Depravation!” “Treasure Trail to G-Spot: A Roadmap to Suckcess!”

  71. schvitzatura

    If weak-as-water mommy!daddy!bailout Ensign-esque bullshit happened to a leading MP in a EU country, the news of it would be the equivalent of Franz Ferdinand getting shellacked. NATO would be kaput. Borders would close. Troops would mobilize…against the country who has this special kind of tool as a legislator.

    Eurotrash have no respect for losers like Ensign…he’s just set GOP-Euro relations back about 100 years, w/r/t mistress protocol. 1000 years in Italy and France, respectively.

  72. Mahousu

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: True fact: the original name for the “Junior (G-)8″ was the “Barely Legal G-8.”

  73. Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=359198]azw88[/re]: Damn Skippy! After seeing the pictures of Michelle in that yellow dress yesterday in Rome, I was more than a little hot and bothered.

  74. June Cleaver 2.0

    [re=359088]One Yield Regular[/re]: “Half the people I know have been out of work for a year, and would settle for a single $12,000 check from EITHER of them. Is sex required?”

    Ask Tom Coburn. He’s Ensign’s pimp.

  75. schvitzatura

    [re=359129]Georgia Burning[/re]:

    Daddy plays “dark side”/”Don’t” in the Nevada Floating Political Craps Game, too:

    Ensign, Mike S.
    LAS VEGAS, NV
    89113 Mandalay Resort Group/Chairman/ CEO $10,000 01/09/2008 P NEVADA STATE DEMOCRATIC PARTY – Democrat

    Ten large to the enemy! From Pops Ensign! What loyalty!

    Bang my wife, Long John, please, before the shite economy erodes gaming equities completely!

  76. Mike Steele

    This isn’t as bad as it looks. Did you see the pictures of that chick? Positively smokin’. I’d give $100k to hit that over and over and over again. A bargain.

    So congrats to Ensign. That little dolly beats the pants off of Governor Sparky’s mediocre squeeze. As a Party, we should be proud to have men that can get women that hot to let us do stuff to ‘em.

  77. WideStance

    Ensign better hope that his parents will pay his legal bills. If the $96K is deemed a severance payment to Cindy and/or Doug (rather than individual gifts to all but one of the Hamptons) it would be considered an in-kind contribution that should have been reported. Knowing and willful violation of federal anti-conspiracy law for campaign financing in excess of $25,000 per calendar year subjects the violator to a felony count punishable up to 5 years imprisonment. 2 U.S.C. § 437g(d)(1)(A)(i),18 U.S.C. § 371.
    Now the reason for the initial claim that the payment was only $25,000 becomes clear.

  78. OffTheRecord

    [re=359151]Dave J.[/re]: It is already the profile picture of at least three of my republican facebook friends. I’m sure the accompanying racist statements are forthcoming.

  79. donner_froh

    [re=359098]ph7[/re]: I thought you were estimating the number of senators who would be interested in having sex with a woman. 49 seems a bit high, though.

  80. lmj

    [re=359230]slappypaddy[/re]:
    Oops. Thanks. I skipped over the “each” in “parents each” or didn’t look it up in the dictionary. Or something.

    I’ll read about about how this gift packaging aided some kind of sleazy maneuvering later, for when I become somekind of sleazebag and this comes in handy.

    I’ll need to find new parents though, because mine or ‘do the crime and do the time’ types and will laugh me out of the house if I ever get in jam like that.

  81. BerkeleyFarm

    Paco: That is indeed some mighty fine badonkadonk. I am a middle-aged straight lady and *I* admire it. If he were not impressed, I think he’d need his pulse checked.

    I am going to be watching for Michelle’s new bling. If he comes up with something good like “It was magnificent, baby, it reminded me of you”, he might not have to sleep down the hall.

    Sarko’s expression is, as noted, very French.

  82. MBritt

    Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it is bad enough to pay someone off. When you’re a public official. A Senator. And sleeping with a woman on your staff. Whose husband is also on your staff. Their kid too. And then pay them off. With money that is your parents.
    Sen. Ensign how the fuck old are you again?

    When you are a freaking UNITED STATES SENATOR with white hair, and your PARENTS are the ones handing over the almost $100K to pacify your gal and her (clearly – to your credit, hungry) husband, WTF are the rest of us missing?

    Ensign and Sanford are the luckiest SOBs on the planet to have died their political careers just as Michael Jackson passed…but I think even the stupidity of Ensign’s parents feeling oh-so-bad for their son’s transgressions with his staffer and willing to donate all that dough…

    Makes me wish I had guilty parents.

  83. LoweredPeninsula

    BTW, are we all in agreement that after the first sexytime Doug Hampton was basically pimping out his wife for increasingly higher sums of money? lol Seriously, if he loved his wife, he’d have decked Ensign, in public even.

    I guess this is Nevada’s version of pay-for-play.

  84. ph7

    [re=359374]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Agreed. But once a cuckold, always a cuckold, I guess. That’s probably why he lost her to Peterman in the first place.

  85. JGB

    I can infer this much from what Coburn and Ensign and the various lawyers have said, it’s the only scenario that makes sense to me:

    1. The doctor patient privilege (OBGYN) applies, as Cindy must have gotten pregnant, and Coburn obviously performed the abortion.

    2. The 96K from Ensign’s parents paid for the abortion, the Hampton’s could not afford the house AND an abortion at that time.

    3. The religious counselor privilege also applies, as Coburn obviuosly told Ensign the abortion was okay with Jeebs.

  86. Greg Ginn's Cats

    [re=359072]Formerly Preferred[/re]:
    Those two G-8 photos are fantastic! Sarkozy really is tuned in to all the ass-checking isn’t he? The man appreciates talent…

  87. zenferret

    [re=359067]Come here a minute[/re]: Who am I? Who cares? WTF?

    [re=359034]Paco[/re]: Yes our President is a living male.

  88. Dolmance

    I think having sex with a married woman who isn’t separated from her husband is unsanitary. And I certainly wouldn’t go down on her. To me it’s like sharing a condom with another man. Or worse yet, putting a used condom in your mouth. It’s repulsive.

    Peace… God bless…

  89. Dolmance

    [re=359379]ph7[/re]: C[re=359379]ph7[/re]: Cuckold? More like a “pimp,” to me. And with the payment to the kid, that makes it a family affair.

    Pimping mom out must make for some very awkward breakfasts. Ugh.

  90. finallyhappy

    [re=359223]lmj[/re]: The law is you can give one $12,000 check to each of any number of people- and it is not taxed on the person getting the gift(the amount may have gone up this year to $13,000 but this was 2008). So mom ensign gave each of the layee’s family $12,000 and dad ensign gave each of them $12,000. Wow, Dad and the 2 kids each get a tax-free $24,000 for Mommy’s whoring(I would call it an affair but once money changes hands-)

  91. irishdave3

    Is Enssign’s “Family”(He lives in their Church, with Coburn) name Fredo…seems like The Family has identified itself as “the Christian Mafia” so does that make Daddy Mike Ensign a Godfather…

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