ha ha 'dove hunting'

Sexy New Details About Mark Sanford’s Elaborate, State-Funded Quest To Bang His Firecracker Last June

The Washington Post has comical new details about the infamous, state-funded June, 2008 meetings South Carolina Sex Governor Mark Sanford set up in South America, to discuss TRADE, with potential “trading partners,” for whatever it is South Carolina produces. (Indigo.) Apparently his trip planners gave word to South American officials that maybe they didn’t really need to meet after all, when he gets down there, and sorry, he cannot go kill doves in the forest for several days, so so sorry, he just has to “make some calls” in Buenos Aires.

Sanford’s long, secret path to a day of Hot Argentinian Fucking was littered with obstacles. PROBLEMO UNO: he was only able to cajole U.S. Embassy officials into throwing him off the plane over Brazil, since he waited until the last minute to file his Trade Trip request. But oh god how he wanted to discuss trade… oh the terrible things he was going to do to Trade while discussing her IT! Trade. (Free sex!)

But who the dickens knows how to get from Brazil to Argentina! Ride a TOUCAN? Actually, yes.

Then, upon arrival, he’d shimmy off his picky Brazilian “trade delegation” by getting them trashed and letting them shoot at the universal symbol of world peace for a few days, while he stealthily “peeled off.”

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Sanford accompanied his state’s Brazil trade delegation to do some dove hunting in Argentina’s countryside but asked his staff to arrange for him to peel off to Buenos Aires, according to internal staff emails and memos obtained by The Washington Post under the state public records law.

“The governor has decided he didn’t want to do that (hunting trip) the full time but wanted to make some calls in Buenos Aires,” one S.C. Commerce Department employee wrote in an email two weeks before the trip. The employee was alerting the Argentine consulate of Sanford’s plan to spend some time in Buenos Aires.

Stupid employee, why did you call the Argentine consulate! Alright alright… how should he shake off these losers now… just play it cool… have a drink, excuse yourself, then it’s BANG BANG BANG time…

In preparations weeks before the June 2008 trade trip, newly-obtained email records show, a commerce employee explained to the U.S. Embassy in Argentina that there was no need for the governor’s visits with Argentinian officials to be lengthy or formal. The employee, S. Ford Graham, an attorney and global business development specialist, was the only state official to accompany Sanford to Buenos Aires “The Governor is perfectly content with meeting for a drink, or something to that effect,” Graham wrote, offering an alternative to a formal dinner with the Ambassador . He added that that the governor didn’t mind a full schedule on Thursday June 26 “but would prefer that Friday be a little more low key.”

S.C. Gov. Sought ‘Light’ Schedule for 2008 Trip to Argentina [WP]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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59 comments

  1. TGY

    Oh! ‘Dove hunting’ is the new euphemism, is it? I find it hard to keep up with the terminology.

  2. Bostonian_Queer_in_Dallas

    SING IT KIDS!

    What’s new Buenos Aires?
    I’m new, I wanna say I’m just a little stuck on you
    You’ll be on me too

    I get out here, Buenos Aires
    Stand back, you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
    Just a little touch of star quality

    Fill me up with your heat, with your noise
    With your dirt, overdo me
    Let me dance to your beat, make it loud
    Let it hurt, run it through me.
    Don’t hold back, you are certain to impress
    Tell the driver this is where I’m staying

    Hello, Buenos Aires
    Get this, just look at me dressed up, somewhere to go
    We’ll put on a show

    Take me in at your flood, give me speed
    Give me lights, set me humming
    Shoot me up with your blood, wine me up
    With your nights, watch me coming
    All I want is a whole lot of excess
    Tell the singer this is where I’m playing

    Stand back, Buenos Aires
    Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
    Just a little touch of star quality

    And if ever I go too far
    It’s because of the things you are
    Beautiful town, I love you
    And if I need a moment’s rest
    Give your lover the very best
    Real eiderdown and silence.

    [musical interlude]

    You’re a tramp, you’re a treat
    You will shine to the death, you are shoddy
    But you’re flesh, you are meat
    You shall have every breath in my body
    Put me down for a lifetime of success
    Give me credit, I’ll find ways of paying

    Rio de la Plata
    Florida, Corrientes, Nueve de Julio
    All I want to know

    Stand back, Buenos Aires
    Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
    Just a little touch of
    Just a little touch of
    Just a little touch of star quality

  3. WestEdEd

    In the Great Chinese Moon Wars, the leaders of the Resitance were 9 fingers Riley, Mike “space Homey” Steele, and Mark Sanford’s twin love children, Pancho McMoonshine and Trucknutz Jackson Sanford.

  4. memzilla

    Not even my 16 year old gf of decades ago would have bought “dove hunting” as an excuse.

  5. chascates

    And what kind of wife wouldn’t scream to go on a foreign shopping trip for a few days? And couldn’t his tango queen meet him halfway?

  6. Mahousu

    Finally, Sanford is learning some timing – this will get buried by the news Ensign had his parents pay off his mistress’s family, to the tune of $96,000.

    My parents never even paid any of my library fines.

  7. Lascauxcaveman

    Ah, hell. It’s still prolly not technically illegal, what he did, because it sounds like at various points along the way he met some SA official types and actually discussed trading things (mistresses? wives?)

  8. S.Luggo

    In other news:
    ENSIGN’S PARENTS GAVE MISTRESS’S FAMILY $96K
    July 9, 2009
    By KATHLEEN HENNESSEY – 21 minutes ago
    LAS VEGAS (AP) — U.S. Sen. John Ensign’s parents gave the Nevada Republican’s mistress and her family nearly $100,000 “out of concern for the well being of longtime family friends during a difficult time,” an attorney for the senator said Thursday.
    ***********************
    HAH-hah.

  9. slappypaddy

    giving new meaning to the definition of “secession.” what a post-modern man that guv is.

  10. Joehoya

    By preferring that Friday be a little more “low key” what he meant was “full of hot Argentine sex.”

  11. PrairiePossum

    Sanford “would prefer that Friday be a little more low key” meaning no pants required.

  12. jasper f. krone

    [re=358987]Doglessliberal[/re]: but “peeling off” sounds like something he could do alone, at home, in South Carolina.

  13. S.Luggo

    “Trading partners”? In June 2008, rumor had it that there was a brisk trade of bodily fluids among partners in Buenos Aires. Governor LUV had to, had to, had to investigate.

  14. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Gov. Sanford, when asked why he chose such an unusual path for a Republican, stated, “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not be a better lover than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.”

  15. Moleman v2.5

    Sanford vs. Ensign! Who will win this Endless Cummer??
    Is there even room for anyone else or are they going to keep up with the weekly spurts of news?

  16. Jukesgrrl

    Is ANY of his brain power directed toward the business of South Carolina? Or does he just think about penis-related intrigue all damn day? The SC taxpayers should demand that his salary be returned.

  17. Dave J.

    Re. Ensign vs. Stanford, borrowing 100K from YOUR PARENTS to pay off your mistress and her husband is easily the worst thing ever. Clearly the guy has (a) no shame, and (b) huge balls to do that. Can you imagine asking your folks for that kind of money to pay off the woman you’ve been banging? Good lord, I would be killed immediately by both my parents if I tried that.

  18. TGY

    [re=358992]tunamelt[/re]: Thus says the Song of Songs Sanford:

    While the king sitteth at his table, the hippo in the nearby zoo sendeth forth the smell thereof.

    Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast terrific cans

    Behold, thou art fair, my beloved; behold, thou art fair; thou hast beer-flavored nipples

  19. maven

    You all know that shortly it will be revealed that his “girlfriend” was really his contact with the KGB, to which Sanford had been passing data (because his country was going down the wrong path electing democrats, etc).

  20. ph7

    [re=359011]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Penis related intrique is what built this great nation, and pretty much every other nation ever in existence. So, sorry, no refunds.

  21. V572625694

    Thank you Jeebus for the wonderful gift of alternating blasts of humiliation for Republican hypocrites. May it never stop! This could be the best Endless Cummer ever!

  22. Doglessliberal

    [re=359010]Moleman v2.5[/re]: don’t forget Mr. You Put Me Out In Denver Barry. He surely is in contention.

  23. TGY

    [re=359022]ph7[/re]: Yeah, never underestimate the Power of the Dark Peen or something like that.

  24. Doglessliberal

    [re=359022]ph7[/re]: Penis Related Intrigue would be a great name for a band.

  25. DustBowlBlues

    Thank goodness. A new Sanford thread. I was thinking this was a slow news day.

    Mrs. Sanford took a lump of clay and using her brains and money turned it into a successful politician. I would feel sorry for the dumb bitch, but a right winger like Jenny who’s smart enough to know better has it coming. Serves her right that her creation turned on her and has made the two of them a laughingstock. Peeling off to do some dove hunting? Really?

    Did the guv even think to consult Tom Coburn about how much money the Sanfords should pay to make restitution to the Argentine hottie?

  26. Mr Blifil

    I’m still hoping Sanford had some of that Marv Albert appetite for danger and introduced a dude into the forbidden proceedings. Please to let it be so.

  27. Godot

    I can’t believe that album failed to include “That Sparkin’ Thing”. Arguably his greatest hit of all.

  28. zenferret

    [re=359033]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I gave up feeling only empathy for her when she blamed Mark’s failures on gays.

    Fuck her.

    Well okay maybe not…

  29. NYNYNY

    [re=358986]Min[/re]: She was the first woman he ever met who didn’t just “close her eyes and think of England.” Close your eyes and think of the Confederacy? Tax shelters?

  30. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Jesus Wild Banana Berry Christ. I don’t think I spent that much time and energy trying to get laid when I was 16. She must be one fine fuck. Or Sanford’s a douchebag. Could go either way.

  31. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=359032]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Penis Related Intrigue would be a great name for a band.

    That settles it. I’m starting a band. Wanna join?

  32. Mavky

    He wanted to buy a ranch in Argentina? Guess he was planning to move the “excavator” down there.

  33. Combover

    I’m confused. Is ‘empathy’ a good thing for Sanford’s hot tamale and a bad thing in Sotomayor? Which is it?

  34. Mahousu

    [re=359011]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Is ANY of his brain power directed toward the business of South Carolina?
    Which would be what, exactly? Education? Health and welfare of its citizens? Protection of its resources?

    Please! This is South Carolina we’re talking about here. A governor who spent all his time searching for new and exotic locales to insert his penis would actually represent a step up.

  35. schvitzatura

    Low-key peeling off sparkin’ whilst crossing lines, some sub-ultimate, at least one of the ultimate variety (many times). Now, new penultimate allegations!

    Git ‘er done, Sanford, you horndogger you!

  36. Joey Ratz

    [re=359027]Doglessliberal[/re]: Mark Sanford rode the toucan to Buenos Aires, putting the Brazilian trade delegation out in Denver because they wouldn’t suck his dick.

  37. ladymacbeth

    it appears repubs get the straight in the summer and then revert back to form for fall cocktober celebrations.

  38. oldguy

    [re=359011]Jukesgrrl[/re]: One gets the impression SC is completely off the brain power grid.

    Maybe Sparkford will reconsider his book proposal: “Dove Hunting on the Appalachian Trail: A Photographic Guide”

    [re=358998]Joehoya[/re]: Casual Friday

  39. Zorg

    Markie to Argentine Firecracker:
    What though the radiance
    which was once so bright
    Be now for ever taken from my sight,
    Though nothing can bring back the hour
    Of splendour in the grass,
    of glory in the flower,
    We will grieve not, rather find
    Strength in what remains behind;
    In the primal sympathy
    Which having been must ever be;
    And, please, also, don’t call me at the house. The old lady isn’t really buying into the whole King David thing. Not yet.

  40. K.C.

    The Crying Game: The Mark Sanford Story; or, Leviticus 20:10

    Here’s to you, Governor Mark!
    In “Cha Cha” your penis did park.
    But let us shout, “Joy” –
    It wasn’t a boy.
    Your “stimulus” plan’s quite the lark!

  41. Col Kernel

    From the WP story:
    Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer said the governor has been “completely forthcoming” about the 2008 trip, which necessarily involved staff work.

    “During the multiple trade missions that the governor has been on to China, Japan, Eastern Europe and Western Europe — and in this case, South America — there has always been a degree of interaction between the governor’s staff…

    That’s just too easy.

  42. bumfug

    And now, the latest shoe to drop – turns out that Sanford met her through a Chicks With Dicks website; saw her picture when he went looking for “Ann” Coulter’s profile.

  43. kirkaracha

    He was completely up-front about the whole thing. He just forgot the word “booty” in “wanted to make some calls in Buenos Aires.”

Comments are closed.