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WAGG THE BOG

Liberal Heroes Bill Clinton And Matt Yglesias Woo Interns At Hippie Conference

Personality Parade! Yesterday Your Diligent Gossip Monger spent literally hours at the CAMPUS PROGRESS NATIONAL CONFERENCE, which was held at a terrible MINOTAUR-INFESTED LABYRINTH known as the Omni Shorem Hotel. 1,400 young communists came from all corners of the Soviet Union to discuss Obama’s FIVE-YEAR PLAN and to hear HOT CELEBRITIES talk about HIP-HOP and AK47s. Too many stories, so many scandalous photographs! …

The Liberal Media, hard at work.
The exclusive PRESS ROOM, busy as a bumble bee. This is where Your Wonkette Correspondent would retreat to for a cup of ORANGE JUICE and a nap, whenever the action got too hairy …

Center for American Progress’s prized thoroughbred blogger-stallion MATTHEW YGLESIAS participated in a very earnest discussion about water fluoridation and other COMMUNIST RACKETS that jeopardize our National Security. Each panelist was asked to name three GLOBAL THREATS that they thought were trendy and chichi. Clearly channeling the great JULIE ANDREWS, Matthew delighted the audience by singing his response in a lyrical tour de force titled “(A FEW OF) MY FAVORITE THREATS” …

The experts weigh in.

Afterward, Yglesias was accosted by a lustful swarm of BARELY-LEGAL PROGRESSIVE-MINDED GROUPIES — even Your Dutiful Gossip-Huckster joined the flock in hopes of procuring some sort of souvenir, like a lock of his GRIZZLY BEARD-MANE. But after waiting patiently in line for what seemed like minutes, Mr. Yglesias initially refused even a HARMLESS PHOTOGRAPH, because apparently he avoids your Wonkette like ANTHRAX SCABIES! But blessed be Amun-Ra, for Your Humble Gossip Columnist is also an accomplished practitioner of the ancient Mesopotamian art known as Persuasion. Matt soon fell prey to some FLATTERING HAIKU; his eyeglasses fogged up and his nipples became as hard as CALCIUM DEPOSITS. And then ABRACADABRA! Not even Matthew Solemn-Pants Yglesias could resist! …

Nothing but love.
If you don’t think that is adorable, you are probably a jerk. This photo will be cherished forever.

OH NO!
Secretary of Rampant Diabetes KATHLEEN SEBELIUS told a scary story about what happens when you don’t eat your vegetables! What happens is that Kathleen claws you to death.

An enormous Bill Clinton in an enormous room filled with interns...
Look at all the blood rushing to WILLIAM CLINTON’S stimulated head! Only an Arkansas sex gremlin like him could manage a face erection.

MAUREEN DOWD IS RUDE AND HATES PROGRESS
Unclaimed press passes, at the press check-in table, at 7:00 PM, THE END OF THE CONFERENCE. What’s the story, MAUREEN DOWD? Too busy making out with your Pulitzer Prize? …

Years from now, when Yours Truly is an OCTOGENARIAN, curious children will inquire, “What was it like to experience a Campus Progress National Conference? Was it like magic?” and also, “Did you really chop off your finger to avoid being drafted during THE GREAT MOON WAR WITH CHINA?”

“Yes.”

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com.


11:42 AM on Thu July 9 2009
By Riley Waggaman
7008 Views

  1. queeraselvis v 2.0 says at 11:45 am, July 9th, 2009

    Yea yea yea, Riley, the pic of you at Matt-bo is scrumptuous. But the real question remains unanswered: WAS THERE TEH BUTTSECKS?

  2. trickyrick says at 11:47 am, July 9th, 2009

    Campus Progress National Conference? Did Sarah Palin tag this thing or what?

  3. memzilla says at 11:48 am, July 9th, 2009

    Wonkette needs to spring for a better cameraphone for Riley. Why does Wonkette hate America?

  4. rereridiculous says at 11:54 am, July 9th, 2009

    Clinton is more orange than Boner’s dog, and almost as good looking.

  5. Mad Brahms says at 11:56 am, July 9th, 2009

    Oh Riley. I hope they never discover a cure for random bolding syndrome.

  6. S.Luggo says at 11:57 am, July 9th, 2009

    Just more creeping collectivism.

  7. ManchuCandidate says at 11:58 am, July 9th, 2009

    I’d like to see a Hip Hop AK-47 or Hiphopnikov that can be fired sideways…

    Why didn’t you snag the MoDo tag? I’m guessing it probably comes with a nice gift bag of a gallon jug of wrinkle remover and red hair dye.

  8. Don Juanquete says at 11:58 am, July 9th, 2009

    Bill’s head is stimulated cuz he sees you, Riley.

  9. snideinplainsight says at 12:00 pm, July 9th, 2009

    I hereby demand my Wonkette do a liveblog of the Marion Barry press conference. What could be funner?

  10. freakishlystrong says at 12:01 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Today, we are all face erections…

  11. rmontcal says at 12:02 pm, July 9th, 2009

    I could read Riley’s dispatches all day!

  12. AliBabaInBA says at 12:03 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Matt is pretty brave. I wouldn’t get near a guy wearing a Members Only jacket.

  13. Lascauxcaveman says at 12:04 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Good photography, Wags! (The one that you didn’t shoot, that is.)

  14. thefrontpage says at 12:04 pm, July 9th, 2009

    It’s rumored that several Soviet spies are entombed in secret crypts directly beneath the Omni Shoreham Hotel. There is a secret entrance to the crypts in one of the offices for a hotel manager.

    Additionally, strange undergrounds tunnels connect the hotel, the Washington National Cathedral and Sidwell Friends School.

  15. Minotaurs. They can be such colossal pains in the ass.

  16. natoslug says at 12:12 pm, July 9th, 2009

    queeraselvis v 2.0: Of course there was no buttsecks. Yglesias is too smarterish to have sex with a 14 year old.

  17. For a minute there I was worried that Yglesias’s face fat was going to eat Riley, but then I realized it’s being held in place by the “seriously-i-do-have-a-jawbone” beard.

  18. Rev. Peter Lemonjello says at 12:26 pm, July 9th, 2009

    I think palling around with the teabagger paultards has infected Riley with Caps Lock Boldface Syndrome. Or CLBS, also.

  19. Fred Wertham Jr. says at 12:26 pm, July 9th, 2009

    rereridiculous: On my monitor Clinton is redder than Boner’s dog’s boner.

  20. Rev. Peter Lemonjello says at 12:27 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Mad Brahms: dammit.

  21. imissopus says at 12:30 pm, July 9th, 2009

    “…his nipples became as hard as CALCIUM DEPOSITS.”

    If I had a job, in an office, I’m sure I would have startled everyone with my laughter.

  22. Lawndarts says at 12:30 pm, July 9th, 2009

    I would have worn my Member’s Only jacket too!

  23. Tommmcatt says at 12:30 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Don’t they ever send you to places with an open bar, Riley? I mean, orange juice is nice and all, but these are politicians you’re dealing with, and this means free booze.

    Oh, and that picture makes you look like a young Sean Penn.

  24. Clinton and Sebelius were apparently too terrified of the unwashed masses to actually address these people in person, preferring to broadcast their liberal lies via closed-circuit TV from their underground sex lair.

  25. queeraselvis v 2.0 says at 12:33 pm, July 9th, 2009

    natoslug: At least not on a first date, that is. Also.

  26. norbizness says at 12:42 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Apparently that photo of Matt and you shows his immediate embarrassment at your asking him if you could tuck in his shirt-tails and linger at the ass-crack for a bit.

    karen: He and Ross Dwipthat need to form a Jaw-less Wonder support group.

  27. Bronkers says at 12:45 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Tommmcatt: Is our Riley of legal imbibing-alcohol age? I dunno what that number is in the District of Columbia…

  28. magic titty says at 12:46 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Maureen Dowd is a member of the “press”? That’s revelatory.

  29. Riley, I’m still worried about you. You need a few good meals to put color in those cheeks. Stop having the vegan girls cook for you, hon. Also, a haircut. Otherwise, great job.

  30. schvitzatura says at 12:47 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Siobhan Hughes of Dow Jones Newswirez must have felt special, having her nametag right next to MoDo’s…

  31. Studge says at 12:55 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Rev. Peter Lemonjello: No, dingy, all-bold caps is the lingua franca of yer gossip columnist types. To wit…

    http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/what_a_year_this_was

    Terry: Leave that hair alone, son. You look mahvelous.

  32. Humpback says at 12:56 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Is Riley wearing a t-shirt from a Mozart concert? I did not know the guy gave any concerts with t-shirt concessions.

  33. mrsixinch says at 1:02 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Humpback: “Amadeus in the Hiz-HAUS! Everybody say JA!”

  34. Mumpedo says at 1:03 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Hey Riley, can you shake your head back and forth and go “CHACHACHA!!” for me a few times.Can you grow a Charlie Chaplin mustache as well? That would be awesome.

  35. Tommmcatt says at 1:07 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Bronkers:

    I dunno. I’m so old that everybody under 30 looks the same to me.

  36. Extemporanus says at 1:26 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Why didn’t Yglesias sing his more well-known hit duet, “To All the Threats I’ve Loved Before?” Was Willie Nelson at a Teabagging Party?

    Also, Riley, this post gave me a face erection. Now I need someone one to beat me over the head until I cum my brains out. Can I have your address?

  37. Monsieur Grumpe says at 1:31 pm, July 9th, 2009

    magic titty:
    I know. Maybe Mr. Waggaman was mistakenly at a scrap book convention.

  38. Dean Booth says at 1:49 pm, July 9th, 2009
  39. chascates says at 2:10 pm, July 9th, 2009

    So now headliners don’t even bother to show up in person but via video links? They’re not getting paid or anything for this are they?

  40. d4g33z says at 2:30 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Wow, tres amusest.

    ‘Face Erection.’

  41. bitchincamaro says at 3:13 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Any trannies there, besides Bubba?

    Check your ISO, next time. Also.

    Love ya’, Riley. You still got balls.

  42. Whattayaknow? Bill Clinton really *is* a redneck.

  43. DustBowlBlues says at 3:55 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Humpback: Wasn’t wearing a Mozart teeshirt dangerous around all those gay liberals? Watch your back, literally, young Riley.

  44. arugulalatte says at 4:04 pm, July 9th, 2009

    face erection? this post just gave me a face erection.

  45. assistant/atlas says at 6:37 pm, July 9th, 2009

    What I can’t figure out is why on earth would Matt “Calcium Deposits” Yglesias want to avoid Wonkette?

  46. Brendan M. says at 8:24 pm, July 9th, 2009

    Look at all the blood rushing to WILLIAM CLINTON’S stimulated head! Only an Arkansas sex gremlin like him could manage a face erection.

    Funny, yes, but do you even remember Bill Clinton? Weren’t you like 8 years old when he was impeached?

    Bronkers: What are you, a fucking narc?

    assistant/atlas: Good judgement.

  47. You’ve raped me with laughter. Well done, Riley!

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