GREEN SHOOTS!  2:58 pm July 7, 2009

Alberto Gonzales Finally Cons University Into Hiring Him

by Jim Newell

Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [Austin American-Statesman]

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ManchuCandidate July 7, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Today is the day that DeVry Technical Institutes have more academic credibility than Texas Tech.

nappyduggs July 7, 2009 at 3:03 pm

He was going to accept a lucrative telcommuting position with the University of Phoenix, but damned if he could remember his log-in and password.


Josh Fruhlinger July 7, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Texas Tech also gave a coaching job to the monstrous and disgraced Bob Knight. Just putting that out there.

FMA July 7, 2009 at 3:04 pm

I always thought there was a special place in hell for Fredo. But I guess Lubbock will have to do.

donner_froh July 7, 2009 at 3:05 pm

Texas Tech. Lubbock. Half way to Roswell from anywhere on the planet.

Snarkalicious July 7, 2009 at 3:07 pm

Everybody is cordially invited to my house for a viewing of my Platonicaly Ideal lack of surprise/interest.

lizbeth July 7, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Tech may be able to beat us at football, but UT WOULD NEVER, EVER hire him. Got my grad degree from UT polisci and we would have used him as the football.

Bearbloke July 7, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=356988]FMA[/re]: I’m sure Fredo will enjoy the lovely Texas summer sun…

Terry July 7, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Oh, Texas Tech. I thought you said he’d been hired at a real university.

Autochthon July 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm


InsidiousTuna July 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm

I know a super-conservative wingnut at Tech Law School. The kind of guy who’s taken to defending Clarence Thomas’ positions on recent decisions. The kind of guy who drove to Waco from Lubbock to welcome Bush “home”. The kind of guy who graduated from Texas A&M.

He is going to cum in his shorts when he hears this news.

Terry July 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm


Heck being hired at Tech means that even the damn Aggies wouldn’t have him. Texas A&M is the school, recall, that dismantled its journalist department after a group of Former Students (you don’t say alumni) complained, insisting that journalist creates liberals.

V572625694 July 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm

I guess that fundie madrassa Monica Goodling went to would’ve hired Gonzo, ‘cept he’s probably — oh no! — a Catholic!

[re=356987]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: TT also hired someone named Jackie Sherrill to teach football, years ago, for the then-unimaginable fortune of $280,000 or so.

Noodle Salad July 7, 2009 at 3:14 pm

If I were ten years younger I’d be sending in my application to Texas Tech right now. “Professor Gonzales? When Madison wrote ‘If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary,’ did he mean that you and Preznident Bush were angels?” That is one 9 AM class I would never fail to attend, although I would most certainly fail it, spectacularly.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 3:15 pm

First question as a Professor, first day of class:

Student: But shouldn’t it be the goal of all government officials to follow the Constitution?

Gonzalez: I don’t recall.

Tommmcatt July 7, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Right about now, the Regents of Liberty University are cursing themselves for not adding free thumbscrews and anal pears to their offer.

InsidiousTuna July 7, 2009 at 3:18 pm

We play Tech the Saturday after Thanksgiving in Dallas’ big new sexy stadium. I will spend at least ten minutes trying to find Berto so I can kick him in the shins.

Most likely, I’ll just drunkenly kick at fat Mexicans until I get thrown out of Cowboys Stadium.

SayItWithWookies July 7, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Ugh. Why this humorless sycophantic oleaginous bootlicking narcissistic cowardly spineless somnambulent ancephalic amoral evil-enabling incurious shitbrained pustule on the face of American history has any other career options besides rotting in a rat-infested cell for the rest of his begotten days is a travesty. Verily, he isn’t fit to lick the dingleberries out of a crawdad’s ass. If Texas secedes, they better take him with them.

WadISay July 7, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Speaking of great law schools, where is Monica Goodling these days?

ph7 July 7, 2009 at 3:20 pm

It wasn’t until this moment that I understood the opposition to affirmative action.

Hopey dont play that game July 7, 2009 at 3:30 pm

This makes perfect sense. Just like quitting = not quitting. Knocked up = abstinence spokesmodel. Bill Kristol = logical. Silly Libtards.

PrairiePossum July 7, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Next, they’ll hire W. to teach public speaking or military “strateegury.”

freakishlystrong July 7, 2009 at 3:34 pm

This lying asshole took an oath to defend the Constitution, the Constitution has yet to recover. They should be in jail.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 7, 2009 at 3:38 pm

He’ll be “teaching a ‘special topics’ course on contemporary issues in the executive branch …”

Of course it had to be “special topics” since this fucker doesn’t know a thing about “non-retarded” government.

Hart88 July 7, 2009 at 3:39 pm

can’t wait to see in a few months

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=357015]WadISay[/re]: With any justice, starring in porn.

[re=357032]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Sheesh…, you are giving away all the secrets.

norbizness July 7, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Homer: Disgraced attorneys general are getting kicked to the curb and our universities are picking it up! Did we lose a war? That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico!

Monsieur Grumpe July 7, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Let’s hope for some really bad weather…

Monsieur Grumpe July 7, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=357046]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: [re=357015]WadISay[/re]:
Yeah, and not the good kind.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=357042]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: special topic = enhance interrogation techniques. This way, in the future, Republicans won’t have to think up original reasons for ignoring the constitution.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 3:46 pm

But Professor, that clearly violates the Constitution!

Yes, but you are President, what is anyone going to do, impeach you? It is not like you are getting a blow job or anything like that. Nipple clamps are only bad if you get pleasure from them, not if you use them on some poor slob that was turned in for a ransom.

Vanity Smurf July 7, 2009 at 3:46 pm

Lubbock. Frito/Fredo’s reward is to live and work in Lubbock, Texas! That’s worse than the jail cell he deserves.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 7, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=357013]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Also.

[re=357011]Tommmcatt[/re]: No no. The anal pears grow at TCU in Abilene. At TTU, they hand out anal beads like it was fucking Mardi Gras.

Btw, President Kim Jong-Il, if you’re looking for a good place to obliterate with your nifty nukes, just aim for anything in Texas that’s north of I-40.

Georgia Burning July 7, 2009 at 3:48 pm

I’m sure Alberto will add a lot to the department, taking over Perjury 101 and the required Wiretap Lab courses. Seriously, did some of W’s old buddies who want Judge G employed and quiet put up six figure hush money or just pics of the department chairman and a couple of ROTC boys at a private pool party?

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 3:54 pm

[re=357052]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I was personally hoping for something like Soggy Sluts 8: Ass Sluts on Parade. A man can hope. A man can hope.

[re=357061]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Sadly, the only place in Texas I’ve been to is Lubbock. I’m pretty sure it would be against the Geneva Convention to ship the Gitmo guys there.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 7, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=357058]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: The nice thing (for the students) is that they can write any old crap for their final exam and Fredo won’t know the difference.

Q. In the US, laws are made by which branch of government?

A. Any damn branch that wants to fight the terrists!

schvitzatura July 7, 2009 at 3:59 pm

Please contact TTU PoliSci Department Chairperson Philip H. Marshall, to express your unmitigated delight on this insightful hiring decision:

Phone: (806) 742-3121

I’ve heard about star-quality academic hires being a feather in the cap of an institute of higher learning…how about hiring Art Schlichter for AD?

Can O Whoopass July 7, 2009 at 4:02 pm

I just hate to see criminals without a yob. Couldn’t Bush hire him to chop brush?

InsidiousTuna July 7, 2009 at 4:04 pm

[re=357073]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: YOu’re expecting a lot if you think Tech students know how to write.

Lord Growing July 7, 2009 at 4:05 pm

I would hope that a dipshit Latino man with the richness of his experiences would, more often than not, make a better instructor than a white male dipshit. We shall see.

Vanity Smurf July 7, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=357071]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Lubbock pretty much represents the entirety of the state except for Austin. Other cities are bigger/richer/have more trees, but it’s just a matter of degree. Austin, being populated by geriatric hippies and refugees from Silicon Valley is a whole different kettle of crazy.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=357073]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Q: What article of the Constitution limits the power of the Executive?

A: I don’t recall.

DangerousLiberal July 7, 2009 at 4:08 pm

[re=357013]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Fabulous adjectives! For the win!

Fear of a Black Reagan July 7, 2009 at 4:12 pm

Isn’t Texas Tech an historically Afro-American institution of higher learning?

DangerousLiberal July 7, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=357079]schvitzatura[/re]: Before beating up on a lowly department chair, who probably had this foisted on him (I *strongly* doubt that it was his idea), you might want to send a kind note to the provost or the president/chancellor/el jefe or whatever of TTU. This poor department chair’s live is gonna suck if y’all beat him up over this. This decision was made above his paygrade.

Bottom line: this is the wrong doorstep for the sack of flaming dogshit.

SystemError July 7, 2009 at 4:18 pm

[re=357063]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: TCU is in Funktown Fort Worth, which is pretty tolerable for a university that loves the Jeebus. In Abilene you are saddled with the intellectual triumvirate of Abilene Christian, McMurry, and Hardin-Simmons Universities…

TGY July 7, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Haha, but NO TENURE!

Mr. Herpes July 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Mr. Gonzales will proudly occupy the Judge Roy Bean chair of Law and teach the intro course “Is Law School Torture?”

TGY July 7, 2009 at 4:28 pm

[re=357111]TGY[/re]: Let me clarify that faculty without tenure are in a unique sort of hell. So it’s OK. Maybe.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 7, 2009 at 4:51 pm

[re=357106]SystemError[/re]: Whoopsie. Apologies to the Horned Frogs. So can I also assume that, given the academic powerhouses up Abilene way, anal pears are pretty damn plentiful?

Maus July 7, 2009 at 4:51 pm

So was this an actual favor from Bush?

Ophelia Butts July 7, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Oh Holy Jeebus – say it isn’t so. Poor Tech. I wonder who endowed what and instructed them to hire this jacka@@ for it?

And don’t talk down about Fort Worth or TCU. My parents wouldn’t let me go there because they were horrified by how liberal it was! Granted, my parents are nuts; however, that’s actually a real university with good lib’ral arts and stuff.

Zorg July 7, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Uhhmmm, sweet! Tomorrow’s projected high temperature is 101, and 103 on the days following. The announcement doesn’t say he’s getting tenure or that he’s even going to be teaching law. Not much of a job for a former AG of the US of A. And Lubbock! As Mac Davis wrote plum nar thutty yeehs ago,
“I thought happiness
Was Lubbock, Texas
In my rear view mirror…”
The Texas Tech Web site lists some recent accomplishments, my favorite being “Texas Tech Librarian Proves Existence of Spider-Man.” Also.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 7, 2009 at 5:51 pm

[re=357120]TGY[/re]: If it’s an endowed position with or without constraints, though, could he serve out his days there collecting a comfortable salary? If that’s the case, I’m still pissed.

S. Cullen Bonz July 7, 2009 at 5:52 pm

He pulled a fast one on Texas Tech. He submitted his application as Albert O’Gonzales. They think they’re getting a good Irish barrister.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 7, 2009 at 6:01 pm

[re=357105]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Yup. You’re absolutely right. Fucking Gonzalez got a favor from someone much more important than him, and if he’s a good little house nigger confidante, he will keep his mouth shut promote the Bush legacy in a positive manner from his blood money position with the University.

inedalo July 7, 2009 at 6:48 pm

the students in his class (if he has any) can answer exam questions by stating-
“I don’t remember.”

OzoneTom July 7, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Taking ANOTHER job from a white man!

CaptDondo July 7, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Americans, and I dare say all Texans and the people leaving comments are the same idiots, that elected Bush twice. Why are they so outraged that former Bush lackey has found employment at TTU? Isn’t this consistent with the moronic behavior of the people. He will teach the same kind of law that people love during the Bush era serves Texans right. I think people are pissed because he shares a common heritage and surname of a famous Mexican mouse.

CaptDondo July 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Oh yeah this site sucks , yellow journalists, bigots and idiots.

timeless July 7, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Texas Tech has a Vietnam Center ( and its website has the following notice:

“The Virtual Vietnam Archive is experiencing technical difficulties. Most pages, including the search page, are available, but a few files and pages may be unavailable. We expect these problems may continue through July 10th. We apologize for any inconvenience.”

I wonder why a center dedicated to the study of the Vietnam war is experiencing technicalities right now? There isn’t a reason listed for the difficulties so I assume nothing eventful regarding that war has happened in the past few days which would have caused a surge in interest, leading to technical difficulties with the website. Nope, nothing at all.

zhubajie July 7, 2009 at 10:23 pm

[re=357105]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Oh, I don’t know about that. Give flaming bags of dogshit to both the Pres and the Chair, and to Gonzo, too, once you know where he lives.

It’s not like anyone HAS to be a department chair.

Zhu Bajie

mookworthjwilson July 7, 2009 at 11:34 pm

i just sent the pres of txtech an email asking if he will get a leave of absence when he stands trial at the hague…

wildturtlelove July 8, 2009 at 1:17 am

There’s a Luby’s cafeteria in Lubbock. Some years ago a car crashed through the plate glass window of a Luby’s, killing a number of diners inside. Lightning strikes twice for the early bird special…..

Bruno July 8, 2009 at 2:07 am

Is that an accredited university?

SayItWithWookies July 8, 2009 at 2:47 am

[re=357438]wildturtlelove[/re]: I think civilized people like to draw the line this side of wishing violent death on people. That’s territory willingly ceded to et. al. Also be funny. Two strikes.

Terry July 8, 2009 at 8:38 am

[re=357090]Vanity Smurf[/re]:

Galveston is sort of an outlier in Texas, or at least was until Ike destroyed it. The community was made up of doctors from the hospitals and medical school, a whole bunch of affluent gay men renovating Victorian houses, and a working class and poor people including fishermen, students, and white, Hispanic, and black people who work at in the tourism and port industries. A surprisingly liberal place, given that it’s not far from Tom DeLay’s old district.

carlyt July 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm

This guy should be disbarred and in jail not teaching our kids. There is a related post at

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