Alberto Gonzales Finally Cons University Into Hiring Him

  green shoots!

Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [Austin American-Statesman]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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68 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Today is the day that DeVry Technical Institutes have more academic credibility than Texas Tech.

  2. nappyduggs

    He was going to accept a lucrative telcommuting position with the University of Phoenix, but damned if he could remember his log-in and password.

    Fail.

  3. FMA

    I always thought there was a special place in hell for Fredo. But I guess Lubbock will have to do.

  4. Snarkalicious

    Everybody is cordially invited to my house for a viewing of my Platonicaly Ideal lack of surprise/interest.

  5. lizbeth

    Tech may be able to beat us at football, but UT WOULD NEVER, EVER hire him. Got my grad degree from UT polisci and we would have used him as the football.

  6. InsidiousTuna

    I know a super-conservative wingnut at Tech Law School. The kind of guy who’s taken to defending Clarence Thomas’ positions on recent decisions. The kind of guy who drove to Waco from Lubbock to welcome Bush “home”. The kind of guy who graduated from Texas A&M.

    He is going to cum in his shorts when he hears this news.

  7. Terry

    [re=356994]lizbeth[/re]:

    Heck being hired at Tech means that even the damn Aggies wouldn’t have him. Texas A&M is the school, recall, that dismantled its journalist department after a group of Former Students (you don’t say alumni) complained, insisting that journalist creates liberals.

  8. V572625694

    I guess that fundie madrassa Monica Goodling went to would’ve hired Gonzo, ‘cept he’s probably — oh no! — a Catholic!

    [re=356987]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: TT also hired someone named Jackie Sherrill to teach football, years ago, for the then-unimaginable fortune of $280,000 or so.

  9. Noodle Salad

    If I were ten years younger I’d be sending in my application to Texas Tech right now. “Professor Gonzales? When Madison wrote ‘If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary,’ did he mean that you and Preznident Bush were angels?” That is one 9 AM class I would never fail to attend, although I would most certainly fail it, spectacularly.

  10. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    First question as a Professor, first day of class:

    Student: But shouldn’t it be the goal of all government officials to follow the Constitution?

    Gonzalez: I don’t recall.

  11. Tommmcatt

    Right about now, the Regents of Liberty University are cursing themselves for not adding free thumbscrews and anal pears to their offer.

  12. InsidiousTuna

    We play Tech the Saturday after Thanksgiving in Dallas’ big new sexy stadium. I will spend at least ten minutes trying to find Berto so I can kick him in the shins.

    Most likely, I’ll just drunkenly kick at fat Mexicans until I get thrown out of Cowboys Stadium.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Ugh. Why this humorless sycophantic oleaginous bootlicking narcissistic cowardly spineless somnambulent ancephalic amoral evil-enabling incurious shitbrained pustule on the face of American history has any other career options besides rotting in a rat-infested cell for the rest of his begotten days is a travesty. Verily, he isn’t fit to lick the dingleberries out of a crawdad’s ass. If Texas secedes, they better take him with them.

  14. Hopey dont play that game

    This makes perfect sense. Just like quitting = not quitting. Knocked up = abstinence spokesmodel. Bill Kristol = logical. Silly Libtards.

  15. PrairiePossum

    Next, they’ll hire W. to teach public speaking or military “strateegury.”

  16. freakishlystrong

    This lying asshole took an oath to defend the Constitution, the Constitution has yet to recover. They should be in jail.

  17. Advocatus_Diaboli

    He’ll be “teaching a ‘special topics’ course on contemporary issues in the executive branch …”

    Of course it had to be “special topics” since this fucker doesn’t know a thing about “non-retarded” government.

  18. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=357015]WadISay[/re]: With any justice, starring in porn.

    [re=357032]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Sheesh…, you are giving away all the secrets.

  19. norbizness

    Homer: Disgraced attorneys general are getting kicked to the curb and our universities are picking it up! Did we lose a war? That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico!

  20. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=357046]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: [re=357015]WadISay[/re]:
    Yeah, and not the good kind.

  21. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=357042]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: special topic = enhance interrogation techniques. This way, in the future, Republicans won’t have to think up original reasons for ignoring the constitution.

  22. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    But Professor, that clearly violates the Constitution!

    Yes, but you are President, what is anyone going to do, impeach you? It is not like you are getting a blow job or anything like that. Nipple clamps are only bad if you get pleasure from them, not if you use them on some poor slob that was turned in for a ransom.

  23. Vanity Smurf

    Lubbock. Frito/Fredo’s reward is to live and work in Lubbock, Texas! That’s worse than the jail cell he deserves.

  24. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=357013]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Also.

    [re=357011]Tommmcatt[/re]: No no. The anal pears grow at TCU in Abilene. At TTU, they hand out anal beads like it was fucking Mardi Gras.

    Btw, President Kim Jong-Il, if you’re looking for a good place to obliterate with your nifty nukes, just aim for anything in Texas that’s north of I-40.

  25. Georgia Burning

    I’m sure Alberto will add a lot to the department, taking over Perjury 101 and the required Wiretap Lab courses. Seriously, did some of W’s old buddies who want Judge G employed and quiet put up six figure hush money or just pics of the department chairman and a couple of ROTC boys at a private pool party?

  26. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=357052]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I was personally hoping for something like Soggy Sluts 8: Ass Sluts on Parade. A man can hope. A man can hope.

    [re=357061]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Sadly, the only place in Texas I’ve been to is Lubbock. I’m pretty sure it would be against the Geneva Convention to ship the Gitmo guys there.

  27. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=357058]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: The nice thing (for the students) is that they can write any old crap for their final exam and Fredo won’t know the difference.

    Q. In the US, laws are made by which branch of government?

    A. Any damn branch that wants to fight the terrists!

  28. schvitzatura

    Please contact TTU PoliSci Department Chairperson Philip H. Marshall, to express your unmitigated delight on this insightful hiring decision:

    Phone: (806) 742-3121
    Email: philip.marshall@ttu.edu

    I’ve heard about star-quality academic hires being a feather in the cap of an institute of higher learning…how about hiring Art Schlichter for AD?

  29. Can O Whoopass

    I just hate to see criminals without a yob. Couldn’t Bush hire him to chop brush?

  30. InsidiousTuna

    [re=357073]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: YOu’re expecting a lot if you think Tech students know how to write.

  31. Lord Growing

    I would hope that a dipshit Latino man with the richness of his experiences would, more often than not, make a better instructor than a white male dipshit. We shall see.

  32. Vanity Smurf

    [re=357071]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Lubbock pretty much represents the entirety of the state except for Austin. Other cities are bigger/richer/have more trees, but it’s just a matter of degree. Austin, being populated by geriatric hippies and refugees from Silicon Valley is a whole different kettle of crazy.

  33. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=357073]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Q: What article of the Constitution limits the power of the Executive?

    A: I don’t recall.

  34. Fear of a Black Reagan

    Isn’t Texas Tech an historically Afro-American institution of higher learning?

  35. DangerousLiberal

    [re=357079]schvitzatura[/re]: Before beating up on a lowly department chair, who probably had this foisted on him (I *strongly* doubt that it was his idea), you might want to send a kind note to the provost or the president/chancellor/el jefe or whatever of TTU. This poor department chair’s live is gonna suck if y’all beat him up over this. This decision was made above his paygrade.

    Bottom line: this is the wrong doorstep for the sack of flaming dogshit.

  36. SystemError

    [re=357063]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: TCU is in Funktown Fort Worth, which is pretty tolerable for a university that loves the Jeebus. In Abilene you are saddled with the intellectual triumvirate of Abilene Christian, McMurry, and Hardin-Simmons Universities…

  37. Mr. Herpes

    Mr. Gonzales will proudly occupy the Judge Roy Bean chair of Law and teach the intro course “Is Law School Torture?”

  38. TGY

    [re=357111]TGY[/re]: Let me clarify that faculty without tenure are in a unique sort of hell. So it’s OK. Maybe.

  39. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=357106]SystemError[/re]: Whoopsie. Apologies to the Horned Frogs. So can I also assume that, given the academic powerhouses up Abilene way, anal pears are pretty damn plentiful?

  40. Ophelia Butts

    Oh Holy Jeebus – say it isn’t so. Poor Tech. I wonder who endowed what and instructed them to hire this jacka@@ for it?

    And don’t talk down about Fort Worth or TCU. My parents wouldn’t let me go there because they were horrified by how liberal it was! Granted, my parents are nuts; however, that’s actually a real university with good lib’ral arts and stuff.

  41. Zorg

    Uhhmmm, sweet! Tomorrow’s projected high temperature is 101, and 103 on the days following. The announcement doesn’t say he’s getting tenure or that he’s even going to be teaching law. Not much of a job for a former AG of the US of A. And Lubbock! As Mac Davis wrote plum nar thutty yeehs ago,
    “I thought happiness
    Was Lubbock, Texas
    In my rear view mirror…”
    The Texas Tech Web site lists some recent accomplishments, my favorite being “Texas Tech Librarian Proves Existence of Spider-Man.” Also.

  42. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=357120]TGY[/re]: If it’s an endowed position with or without constraints, though, could he serve out his days there collecting a comfortable salary? If that’s the case, I’m still pissed.

  43. S. Cullen Bonz

    He pulled a fast one on Texas Tech. He submitted his application as Albert O’Gonzales. They think they’re getting a good Irish barrister.

  44. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=357105]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Yup. You’re absolutely right. Fucking Gonzalez got a favor from someone much more important than him, and if he’s a good little house nigger confidante, he will keep his mouth shut promote the Bush legacy in a positive manner from his blood money position with the University.

  45. inedalo

    the students in his class (if he has any) can answer exam questions by stating-
    “I don’t remember.”

  46. CaptDondo

    Americans, and I dare say all Texans and the people leaving comments are the same idiots, that elected Bush twice. Why are they so outraged that former Bush lackey has found employment at TTU? Isn’t this consistent with the moronic behavior of the people. He will teach the same kind of law that people love during the Bush era serves Texans right. I think people are pissed because he shares a common heritage and surname of a famous Mexican mouse.

  47. timeless

    Texas Tech has a Vietnam Center (http://www.vietnam.ttu.edu/) and its website has the following notice:

    “The Virtual Vietnam Archive is experiencing technical difficulties. Most pages, including the search page, are available, but a few files and pages may be unavailable. We expect these problems may continue through July 10th. We apologize for any inconvenience.”

    I wonder why a center dedicated to the study of the Vietnam war is experiencing technicalities right now? There isn’t a reason listed for the difficulties so I assume nothing eventful regarding that war has happened in the past few days which would have caused a surge in interest, leading to technical difficulties with the website. Nope, nothing at all.

  48. zhubajie

    [re=357105]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Oh, I don’t know about that. Give flaming bags of dogshit to both the Pres and the Chair, and to Gonzo, too, once you know where he lives.

    It’s not like anyone HAS to be a department chair.

    Zhu Bajie

  49. mookworthjwilson

    i just sent the pres of txtech an email asking if he will get a leave of absence when he stands trial at the hague…

  50. wildturtlelove

    There’s a Luby’s cafeteria in Lubbock. Some years ago a car crashed through the plate glass window of a Luby’s, killing a number of diners inside. Lightning strikes twice for the early bird special…..

  51. SayItWithWookies

    [re=357438]wildturtlelove[/re]: I think civilized people like to draw the line this side of wishing violent death on people. That’s territory willingly ceded to TheFoxNation.com et. al. Also be funny. Two strikes.

  52. Terry

    [re=357090]Vanity Smurf[/re]:

    Galveston is sort of an outlier in Texas, or at least was until Ike destroyed it. The community was made up of doctors from the hospitals and medical school, a whole bunch of affluent gay men renovating Victorian houses, and a working class and poor people including fishermen, students, and white, Hispanic, and black people who work at in the tourism and port industries. A surprisingly liberal place, given that it’s not far from Tom DeLay’s old district.

Comments are closed.