Wonkette
America’s first black president, 12-year-old space monster Michael Jackson, is still dead. But like most Americans, you are probably wondering, “Is he in the coffin at that vulgar Staples Center death show in Los Angeles, or is whatever’s left of his body somewhere else?” TMZ just sent us this EXCLUSIVE photo showing … we don’t know, really. Some microbes? PROOF OF LIFE ON MARS? Yes, we think so. 7/7, never forget. [TMZ]
From the Staples Center, you can see America…
I even doubt that it’s MJ’s funeral. Too many adults and not enough little boys drinking Jeebus Juice.
Please verify. Let’s not have another case of Elvis-seen-working-at-7-11.
This is actually the coffin containing Caribou Barbie’s political prospects, being escorted by Muslins.
There is only one thing M.J. forgot to do before he died and that was to say he was the Messiah.
Oh wait. His fans already think that.
Wait a minute! That’s not Robert McNamara’s funeral on CNN?
How fucking absurd is this?
TMZ reads Wonkette?
Damn you Ken for making me laugh at a funeral.
Someone got a picture of him without wigs or makeup or masks or anything — and wow, he was in bad shape.
http://people.lulu.com/storage/users/369/261369/images/32054/Sammagnetweb.jpg
Worldwide madness. It’s being carried live on French TV, I think. Mick-ah-ale Jaquesonne est mort. Et Lance Armstrong a presque gagné! American culture rules.
MJ’s only regret? Not enough cowbell.
today, we are all 12 yr old aliens with bleached faces and clip-on noses.
Looks like a pan-blackened tuna with salsa, borne by 6 surly waiters, to me. Time for lunch!
OH.MY.GOD!
Michael Jackson is DEAD? I just found out! When did it happen?!!? I was turning on the tee vee / cable news stations to get up to speed on world news, and the latest politics, like I do every single day, and I JUST FOUND OUT!
This has big ONE BIG HOLIDAY for cable news, huh? MSNBC just closed up shop and re-ran all their “Michael Jackson is Cuh-razy!” specials for the past ten days. I guess we will now have a week of non-stop “Michael Jackson: In Memorium” so they can round out their summer vacations?
Crank Tango: You funny! bwahahahaha!
rmontcal: Win!
“Me lose brain? Uh-oh!”
MJ, tell Heath we said ‘hi’.
Can I never get away from zis “being???” called Michael Jackson? Et tu, Wonkette?
FMA: No - McNamara-week is next week, and only in Vietnam…
Meanwhile, please observe the Beeb’s coverage on the Royal Pagent of King Michael’s memorial.
“12-year-old space monster Michael…”
I read this, and for a split second thought that perhaps “Space Jam” star Michael Jordan had passed. Then I remembered that he and the Looney Toons WON that game, and that good ‘ol MJ is still on Earth and NOT on Moron Mountain signing autographs all day and playing one-on-one with the paying customers and always losing.
The coffin/casket probably outweighs MJ himself by several hundred pounds.
His visage has already been spotted in the trunk of a sycamore tree and as a sweat stain in a pair of gym shorts, haphazardly discarded by an eighth grader.
I think he’s in Elizabeth Taylor’s wine cellar, a sheet over his head with eye holes cut out, just ready to have some fun his way.
Okay, I cut off the cable a few months back, and as I live in an concrete highrise apartment, teevee reception’s kinda lousy. But I ginned up a digital antenna out of coathangers and stuff, and this morning when I turned it on, every single broadcast channel had live coverage of the funeral procession or whatever it is. What is going on? It’s not like this guy was Princess Di or the Pope or something.
Or Reagan.
SayItWithWookies:
That can’t be him. Mike’s nose fell off, remember?
hobospacejunkie: but it’s a bit lighter than normal, because… they SAVED Michael’s brain!!!1! BWAHHHHHAHHAHAHH!!!!
That picture of a flayed & splayed MJ poignantly proves that it really doesn’t matter if you are black or white. Deep down inside, we are all red, red, red.
A little respect, please. The man did write a song about masturbation AND convinced Eddie Van Halen to play the climactic guitar solo. So he’s like the shemale Cyndi Lauper. Which is…something, right?
That photo…did we know TMZ has their own spy satellite? Now we do–keep your blinds closed!
Any word yet on whether Bubbles managed to score tickets to the deathstravaganza?
hobospacejunkie: Definitely something. Fairly sure I don’t want to know what. And thanks for the image of a shemale Cindy Lauper, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
V572625694: Yeah, I don’t get it, either. Defies logic. I have tv but watch only sparingly; lately not at all. For several days (at least it seemed like several), Keith Olberman’s show was ONLY about MJ and went on for hours & hours. I mean: WTF? And it has degenerated into some weird media circus (well, when is it not??) whereby it seems like the AA community is saying that MJ is not being venerated enough. As a white person, I don’t wish to step on any toes, but srsly, WTF?? RIP & all, but what’s with 24/7 of MJ for days & days on end? Does. not. compute. Wake me when it’s ovah!
So sad. Now who will carry Webster arm in arm with Brooke Sheilds while wearing state trooper shades and a generalissimo uniform. Who I ask you?!?!?
Michael. Michael. Micheal. Get him in the ground already! Can we get some Gov. Sanford love around here now?
I was certain they were going to freeze his head in liquid nitrogen so they could reanimate him sometime in the future and turn him into a scary ride at Disney World. Silly me.
TGY: this just in: Elvis Presley dead at 64.
hobospacejunkie:
Don’t forget the song Ben which is a love song about a rat.
You’re not live-blogging the memorial????!!!! Wah, Wonkette you failed me.
AlienCaffeine: Our Wonkette is not dead-blogging it, either.
paintitblack: yeah the Countdown show kind of freaked me out too, although, Keith did kinda have a certain “boss making me do this shit” resignation about it.
Gorillionaire: Yeah, it’s almost like the Corporate morlocks are demanding that we eloi focus exclusively on MJ, as opposed to, uh, I dunno, focusing on “real” politics & world events, even if that only means pointing at and making fun of Grifter Spice & Tango Mark.
Michael Jackson’s death has become the t.v. equivalent of “Light My Fire;” just as the extended Doors cut allowed deejays to use the bathroom, MJ’s passing has allowed news directors to send a lot more people on summer vacations by filling the news hour with TMZ/ET necro-trash. Jeez, just think of the stink we’ll smell when Madonna checks out.
Doesn’t anyone remember that Olbermann used to feature the “Michael Jackson Puppet Theater” during the Jackson trial?
Burying the King of Pop and the political career of the queen of pop-question FAIL all in one week!
Where is his birth certificate?
I’m starting to think all of these deaths are really cover-ups by the governement of the Rapture. Which means that Michael Jackson and McNamara were raptured away, but Bible Spice and Sean Hannity were left with the heathens.
ALIVE!: Especially because the Jackson’s funeral has been (so far as I watch), the only dignified thing about this whole thing.
FMA: I’m pretty sure the Gospel Chorus at McNamara’s funeral won’t be quite as good.
MJ was a great artist. Now can we get back to real news? There is a related post at http://iamsoannoyed.com/?p=2088
You laugh, but the entire internet is off watching the live stream. You should look into an angle on Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee’s somewhat rambling speech. That might help the page views for later.
MSNBC was actually using the heading “HearseCam” as they showed the hearse moving towards the service. I didn’t think it was possible to top Michael Jackson himself in tackiness but MSNBC just did.
hobospacejunkie: Probably true of most people’s, Mr. Hobo. In his case, the pillow under his tortured noggin probably weighs more than he does. I love a parade.
The family was able to spend a little more on the funeral cortage seeing as how they saved some money on the mortician’s fee: MJ came pre-embalmed.
I heard Martin Bashir state that Michael’s children will have ‘Normal lives.’ No Shit.
And at the beginning of the service, I heard Al Sharpton talk–no, spin–on how MJ advanced race relations, instead of..oh, Martin Luther King…He almost had me convinced.
revbob: Where is his
birthdeath certificate?Fixed that for you.
bynrdskynrd: Or as normal as it could be if you were raised by a noseless, bleached freak who liked to be surrounded by 12 year olds, covered you up in masks and veils whenever you left the home, and have no idea who your biological mother AND father are.
I’m going to kill my imaginary fucking girlfriend because even though she said that Jackson doesn’t matter, SHE WON’T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON.
This is my confession.
Ken baby, can we reserve the 7/7 thing for actual terrorist attacks that happened, oh, four years ago on that date? Y’all would be pretty pissed if we appropriated 9/11 if Becks or Jordan or someone happened to die on November 9th.
I’m having a hard time intrepreting that phto - what did they do, douse his body in catchup and force it to hug the coffin under the force of rigor mortis?
lawrenceofthedesert: SUPERB comparison! I had that very same thought yesterday. The MSM timed his death so perfectly so they could let so many “reporters” go on vacation. Brilliant observation.