RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  5:18 pm July 7, 2009

At Least Mark Sanford Doesn’t Pretend To Love His Wife

by Riley Waggaman

  • Barack Obama forgot how he met Michelle, his wife, his guiding star! You’ve only been married to the woman since 1992, Barack. Jesus Lord. And last year he forgot to get her a wedding anniversary present, so he swung by Radio Shack after work and picked up a lousy DVD box set. Ugh, the DVD box set is for the twentieth anniversary! [Swampland]
  • Had a poopy day? Well that is now over, because the Guardian is servin’ up the feel-good tonic of the millenium with this, the wacky story of Binyam Mohamed! It’s more fun than The Hangover and Transformers Two combined, times ten! Savor every word. You will love it. It is a happy story. Go! Go read the happy story! [Guardian]
  • The Democrats want to pass a resolution honoring Michael Jackson, but Michelle Malkin no likey — it’s just another piece of legislation full of pork-barrel spending! John Boehner read the resolution over and over again on the House floor, for sixty entire minutes, because the voters deserve to know what’s in this piece of shit. TEA PARTY! [Michelle Malkin]
  • Screw health care! You know what we really need? It’s almost too obvious. [The Caucus]

Hola wonkerados.

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naveed July 7, 2009 at 5:19 pm
queeraselvis v 2.0 July 7, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Although I’m loathe to say that I agree (shudder) with Malkin on this one, she still needs to belly up to a steaming dish of dicks lovingly poached in a light rose and jizz infusion.

Dog Trombone July 7, 2009 at 5:25 pm

Goddammit, Riley. I actually WAS having a good day until I read that Guardian piece.

Min July 7, 2009 at 5:28 pm

Wonkette, you have betrayed me. You have put me in the position of agreeing with Teh Ebil Malkin. Although I disagree with her assertion that this MJ thing is the stupidest resolution evah. I am confident that there have been much more stupid resolutions proposed in the history of the House.

forgracie July 7, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Did you guys miss the story on Cynthia McKinney?!?

SayItWithWookies July 7, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=357208]Dog Trombone[/re]: There’s nothing like brutal beatings and genital torture to make you appreciate the benefits of living in a free and democratic society. Oh, wait.

Barrett808 July 7, 2009 at 5:30 pm

It’s obvious that copies of the Binyam torture photos reside on Dick Cheney’s pr0n computer.

ManchuCandidate July 7, 2009 at 5:32 pm

Looks like Barry just suffered his first WH setback as the First Penis won’t be going anywhere near the First Lady anytime soon.

ManchuCandidate July 7, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Dick Cheney’s really Machine from 8mm?

Extemporanus July 7, 2009 at 5:34 pm

It’s true:
Mark Sanford doesn’t pretend to love his wife.

And yes, that is HoboSpaceJunkies and another dickhead in pic #3. (Hobo’s on the left…)

Servo July 7, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Jeebus Moonwalkin’ Christ! With all the stimuli and bail-outs, we could’ve already paid everyone’s outstanding credit card debt!
So, where are we on that Mars terraforming proposal? Anybody? Hello?

Bearbloke July 7, 2009 at 5:38 pm

[re=357220]Extemporanus[/re]: pretty husky for a junkie – what was Hobospace addicted to, donuts?

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Wait, Malkin should love Jackson. After all, he had done all he could on the earth, so he quit it, and will now work from inside the box. After all, only a dead fish goes with the flow.

Lascauxcaveman July 7, 2009 at 5:42 pm

I’m not gonna read the article on Binyam Mohamed because the only feel-good tonic I need today has “Gin & ” in its name. Also.

imissopus July 7, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Malkin’s just pissed because she knows if she goes into cardiac arrest she’ll be lucky to find an EMT willing to make the effort to save her, let alone Congress passing a resolution to honor her if she croaks.

Elm Hugger July 7, 2009 at 5:47 pm

[re=357220]Extemporanus[/re]: What is with Joe’s lip? Ooh, that is one wicked little sore, wonder where his month has been???

Servo July 7, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Obama succumbs to exhaustion and makes a verbal slip. Big friggin’ deal!
If it were McCorpse:
Did I mention how I met that cunt? *points with thumb*

Lascauxcaveman July 7, 2009 at 5:51 pm

[re=357225]Bearbloke[/re]: I’m pretty sure it was meth. Everybody knows meth makes you fat. I gained twenty pounds in the two months I was scarfing meth. Felt logy and lethargic all the time.

At least my dealer said it was meth. We used to meet back of the Krispy Kreeme place at Tacoma Mall…

El Pinche July 7, 2009 at 5:55 pm

No Grifter news bullet? We will never be sued at this rate.

[re=357225]Bearbloke[/re]: He’s just big boned. But still, I bet Hobo can stomp Joe’s guts out…unless Hobo is standing on a picnic table.

BlueStateLibtard July 7, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Oh boy, DVD set for 20th anniversary. I’m surprised she didn’t fling them, one by one, at his head.

Cicada July 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm

CAMELOT (II) IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Extemporanus July 7, 2009 at 6:01 pm

[re=357225]Bearbloke[/re]: In hobospacejunkie’s defense, the very low quasi-periodic oscillations of Dunkin’ Donuts BlackHoles® indicate them to be supermassive.

Toss in a Mars or Milky Way, and, well…

Native of SL UT July 7, 2009 at 6:06 pm

[re=357217]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Wrong!
“Obama had taken an unexplained 40 minute break from his schedule to visit his hotel, delaying the start of the afternoon press conference.”
The DVD was a little rope-a-dope for the press. MO got hers, baby.

wheelie July 7, 2009 at 6:06 pm

From the Guardian: “Under US law, evidence relating to dismissed cases must be automatically destroyed.”

How true this is. The photo must be destroyed. I was once accused of driving my car into a wall in New York and I produced my pristine car to prove it didn’t happen. I was acquitted and, naturally, the car had to be destroyed.

Also, my aunt had given testimony that I was in her place in Dublin at the time, so they destroyed my aunt.

And Dublin.

But that is the rigorous US law.

Tra July 7, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Kudos to Riley for finding the only funny thing one could say about the Binyam Mohamed story.

Servo July 7, 2009 at 6:13 pm

Ya mean like Sade records?

spymoose July 7, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Hey … that Guardian story? Sounds exactly like the sex I had with Sarah Palin.

paintitblack July 7, 2009 at 6:32 pm

Can barely type out that I “agree” w/Malkin, but then again, St. Ronnie had MJ over all of the time to play footsie w/Nancita or sumthin, so where’s the outrage over that?? You would think the Dems would get some love for sucking up to Nancita’s Bollywood pal.

DangerousLiberal July 7, 2009 at 6:34 pm

[re=357211]Min[/re]: Yes: introduced by Republicans.

DangerousLiberal July 7, 2009 at 6:38 pm

Jeez, is MM racist much?

doberhauser July 7, 2009 at 6:55 pm

[re=357207]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Fear not! Malkin is wrong. While awful, this is likely not the worst resolution to come from Congress. You’re safe!

Mahousu July 7, 2009 at 6:55 pm

Barack didn’t “forget” how he met Michelle; he never quite knew to begin with, as they were both dead drunk at the time.

The utter preposterousness of that sentence says something, doesn’t it?

kdaddy July 7, 2009 at 7:07 pm

[re=357235]imissopus[/re]: I’m no EMT but I’d be happy to try and revive her lifeless corpse
with any number of my own special injections. If she sputters to life, great. If not, then I’m
content with my effort.

Tommmcatt July 7, 2009 at 7:19 pm


I admire your taste in films, did I ever mention that?

Bing Shalimar July 7, 2009 at 7:45 pm

Hey, that story wasn’t happy at all.

Crank Tango July 7, 2009 at 8:01 pm

[re=357211]Min[/re]: Two words, one overwhelming sense of embarrassment, “freedom fries.”

Crank Tango July 7, 2009 at 8:08 pm

so is MM like that blind racist dave chapelle played, hating immigrants and other browns, all the while ignorant of her own skin color and anchor-baby status?

Part of me has a really hard time believing someone so hot could be so hateful and ignorant. My dick part, that is. Ah, t’would be a hate-fuck for the ages…

Alpha O. Mega July 7, 2009 at 10:00 pm

“Earlier on Monday, Obama had taken an unexplained 40 minute break from his schedule to visit his hotel, delaying the start of the afternoon press conference.”

America demands an explanation. Was Michelle there? If not, who else was present? Where’s Ken Starr when we need him to serve a subpoena?

problemwithcaring July 7, 2009 at 10:10 pm

[re=357207]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ha ha, you agree with Michelle Malkin. Unclean!

DustBowlBlues July 7, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Fuck you, young Riley, fuck you. I went to the Guardian piece, happily trusting that an intellectual, leftist newspaper born during first flowering of working class consciousness was, uncharacteristically, featuring a piece on dozens of unwanted cats and dogs on their way to the death chamber being adopted by loving millionaires who wanted nothing more than to give misfit pets a good home.

Instead, you give me Gitmo? FU, young Riley.

PerhapsSo July 8, 2009 at 12:54 am

I realize that I am probably the only woman on earth who wouldn’t care if all I got for my anniversary was a mere mention of it, but a DVD box set sounds okay to me. Depends on what it was, though. And I would prefer sex, but I suspect our First Couple is okay in that department.

charlesdegoal July 8, 2009 at 4:39 am

“Democrat leaders” can you believe it? Even the NYTimes. Not even Ross Douthat would use the term.

rcdl July 8, 2009 at 8:35 am

Is there any way to go to Michelle Malkin’s site without providing her with a hit? I’d like to see what she says but I don’t want to give her any cash or anything like that.

liquiddaddy July 8, 2009 at 8:36 am

What do Republicans have against a black man, who became a nice white lady?

TGY July 8, 2009 at 9:41 am

Bah, as far as I can tell, it’s just a resolution honoring him. No big deal, no spending. Who else has the House passed a resolution honoring? Well, uh..

In 2005, the United States House of Representatives passed a resolution honoring Jimmy Winkfield. Who, as everyone knows, was the last African American jockey to ride a winning horse in the Kentucky Derby.

You remember him, right? His name was on the lips of …uh… millions? of people. Maybe tens of thousands. In fact, they’ve passed resolutions honoring many people. MJ may have been a weird child-molesting (never proven) entertainer, but his music will certainly live on. Weirdness has never stopped artists from becoming great, especially post mortem.

inedalo July 8, 2009 at 11:08 am

re Guardian story- he says they shaved off half his beard and photographed his genitals.
sounds like Facebook to me.

nosnikreplliw July 8, 2009 at 1:20 pm

what they didn’t cover was the ounce of weed obama also gave brown, to help enjoy the movies.

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