rumors on the internets

At Least Mark Sanford Doesn’t Pretend To Love His Wife

  • Barack Obama forgot how he met Michelle, his wife, his guiding star! You’ve only been married to the woman since 1992, Barack. Jesus Lord. And last year he forgot to get her a wedding anniversary present, so he swung by Radio Shack after work and picked up a lousy DVD box set. Ugh, the DVD box set is for the twentieth anniversary! [Swampland]
  • Had a poopy day? Well that is now over, because the Guardian is servin’ up the feel-good tonic of the millenium with this, the wacky story of Binyam Mohamed! It’s more fun than The Hangover and Transformers Two combined, times ten! Savor every word. You will love it. It is a happy story. Go! Go read the happy story! [Guardian]
  • The Democrats want to pass a resolution honoring Michael Jackson, but Michelle Malkin no likey — it’s just another piece of legislation full of pork-barrel spending! John Boehner read the resolution over and over again on the House floor, for sixty entire minutes, because the voters deserve to know what’s in this piece of shit. TEA PARTY! [Michelle Malkin]
  • Screw health care! You know what we really need? It’s almost too obvious. [The Caucus]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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47 comments

  1. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Although I’m loathe to say that I agree (shudder) with Malkin on this one, she still needs to belly up to a steaming dish of dicks lovingly poached in a light rose and jizz infusion.

  2. Dog Trombone

    Goddammit, Riley. I actually WAS having a good day until I read that Guardian piece.

  3. Min

    Wonkette, you have betrayed me. You have put me in the position of agreeing with Teh Ebil Malkin. Although I disagree with her assertion that this MJ thing is the stupidest resolution evah. I am confident that there have been much more stupid resolutions proposed in the history of the House.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    [re=357208]Dog Trombone[/re]: There’s nothing like brutal beatings and genital torture to make you appreciate the benefits of living in a free and democratic society. Oh, wait.

  5. Barrett808

    It’s obvious that copies of the Binyam torture photos reside on Dick Cheney’s pr0n computer.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    Looks like Barry just suffered his first WH setback as the First Penis won’t be going anywhere near the First Lady anytime soon.

  7. Servo

    Jeebus Moonwalkin’ Christ! With all the stimuli and bail-outs, we could’ve already paid everyone’s outstanding credit card debt!
    So, where are we on that Mars terraforming proposal? Anybody? Hello?

  8. Bearbloke

    [re=357220]Extemporanus[/re]: pretty husky for a junkie – what was Hobospace addicted to, donuts?

  9. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Wait, Malkin should love Jackson. After all, he had done all he could on the earth, so he quit it, and will now work from inside the box. After all, only a dead fish goes with the flow.

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    I’m not gonna read the article on Binyam Mohamed because the only feel-good tonic I need today has “Gin & ” in its name. Also.

  11. imissopus

    Malkin’s just pissed because she knows if she goes into cardiac arrest she’ll be lucky to find an EMT willing to make the effort to save her, let alone Congress passing a resolution to honor her if she croaks.

  12. Elm Hugger

    [re=357220]Extemporanus[/re]: What is with Joe’s lip? Ooh, that is one wicked little sore, wonder where his month has been???

  13. Servo

    Obama succumbs to exhaustion and makes a verbal slip. Big friggin’ deal!
    If it were McCorpse:
    Did I mention how I met that cunt? *points with thumb*

  14. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=357225]Bearbloke[/re]: I’m pretty sure it was meth. Everybody knows meth makes you fat. I gained twenty pounds in the two months I was scarfing meth. Felt logy and lethargic all the time.

    At least my dealer said it was meth. We used to meet back of the Krispy Kreeme place at Tacoma Mall…

  15. El Pinche

    No Grifter news bullet? We will never be sued at this rate.

    [re=357225]Bearbloke[/re]: He’s just big boned. But still, I bet Hobo can stomp Joe’s guts out…unless Hobo is standing on a picnic table.

  16. BlueStateLibtard

    Oh boy, DVD set for 20th anniversary. I’m surprised she didn’t fling them, one by one, at his head.

  17. Extemporanus

    [re=357225]Bearbloke[/re]: In hobospacejunkie’s defense, the very low quasi-periodic oscillations of Dunkin’ Donuts BlackHoles® indicate them to be supermassive.

    Toss in a Mars or Milky Way, and, well…

  18. Native of SL UT

    [re=357217]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Wrong!
    “Obama had taken an unexplained 40 minute break from his schedule to visit his hotel, delaying the start of the afternoon press conference.”
    The DVD was a little rope-a-dope for the press. MO got hers, baby.

  19. wheelie

    From the Guardian: “Under US law, evidence relating to dismissed cases must be automatically destroyed.”

    How true this is. The photo must be destroyed. I was once accused of driving my car into a wall in New York and I produced my pristine car to prove it didn’t happen. I was acquitted and, naturally, the car had to be destroyed.

    Also, my aunt had given testimony that I was in her place in Dublin at the time, so they destroyed my aunt.

    And Dublin.

    But that is the rigorous US law.

  20. Tra

    Kudos to Riley for finding the only funny thing one could say about the Binyam Mohamed story.

  21. paintitblack

    Can barely type out that I “agree” w/Malkin, but then again, St. Ronnie had MJ over all of the time to play footsie w/Nancita or sumthin, so where’s the outrage over that?? You would think the Dems would get some love for sucking up to Nancita’s Bollywood pal.

  22. doberhauser

    [re=357207]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Fear not! Malkin is wrong. While awful, this is likely not the worst resolution to come from Congress. You’re safe!

  23. Mahousu

    Barack didn’t “forget” how he met Michelle; he never quite knew to begin with, as they were both dead drunk at the time.

    The utter preposterousness of that sentence says something, doesn’t it?

  24. kdaddy

    [re=357235]imissopus[/re]: I’m no EMT but I’d be happy to try and revive her lifeless corpse
    with any number of my own special injections. If she sputters to life, great. If not, then I’m
    content with my effort.

  25. Tommmcatt

    [re=357219]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

    I admire your taste in films, did I ever mention that?

  26. Crank Tango

    [re=357211]Min[/re]: Two words, one overwhelming sense of embarrassment, “freedom fries.”

  27. Crank Tango

    so is MM like that blind racist dave chapelle played, hating immigrants and other browns, all the while ignorant of her own skin color and anchor-baby status?

    Part of me has a really hard time believing someone so hot could be so hateful and ignorant. My dick part, that is. Ah, t’would be a hate-fuck for the ages…

  28. Alpha O. Mega

    “Earlier on Monday, Obama had taken an unexplained 40 minute break from his schedule to visit his hotel, delaying the start of the afternoon press conference.”

    America demands an explanation. Was Michelle there? If not, who else was present? Where’s Ken Starr when we need him to serve a subpoena?

  29. problemwithcaring

    [re=357207]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ha ha, you agree with Michelle Malkin. Unclean!

  30. DustBowlBlues

    Fuck you, young Riley, fuck you. I went to the Guardian piece, happily trusting that an intellectual, leftist newspaper born during first flowering of working class consciousness was, uncharacteristically, featuring a piece on dozens of unwanted cats and dogs on their way to the death chamber being adopted by loving millionaires who wanted nothing more than to give misfit pets a good home.

    Instead, you give me Gitmo? FU, young Riley.

  31. PerhapsSo

    I realize that I am probably the only woman on earth who wouldn’t care if all I got for my anniversary was a mere mention of it, but a DVD box set sounds okay to me. Depends on what it was, though. And I would prefer sex, but I suspect our First Couple is okay in that department.

  32. charlesdegoal

    “Democrat leaders” can you believe it? Even the NYTimes. Not even Ross Douthat would use the term.

  33. rcdl

    Is there any way to go to Michelle Malkin’s site without providing her with a hit? I’d like to see what she says but I don’t want to give her any cash or anything like that.

  34. TGY

    Bah, as far as I can tell, it’s just a resolution honoring him. No big deal, no spending. Who else has the House passed a resolution honoring? Well, uh..

    In 2005, the United States House of Representatives passed a resolution honoring Jimmy Winkfield. Who, as everyone knows, was the last African American jockey to ride a winning horse in the Kentucky Derby.

    You remember him, right? His name was on the lips of …uh… millions? of people. Maybe tens of thousands. In fact, they’ve passed resolutions honoring many people. MJ may have been a weird child-molesting (never proven) entertainer, but his music will certainly live on. Weirdness has never stopped artists from becoming great, especially post mortem.

  35. inedalo

    re Guardian story- he says they shaved off half his beard and photographed his genitals.
    sounds like Facebook to me.

  36. nosnikreplliw

    what they didn’t cover was the ounce of weed obama also gave brown, to help enjoy the movies.

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