Wonkette
Rancid lying demon & TIME New York Times Washington Post “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol wrote a very funny column about Sarah Palin yesterday and now we are going to make fun of it.
You probably want to know what Bill Kristol, the most influential opinion-monger since Plato, but better, thinks about Sarah Palin’s decision to quit her job running Alaska. He thinks it’s a great idea (but he could be wrong) and the Republican “Establishment” is scared of her (maybe) because of her vast appeal to warty mouth-breathers and Neo-Nazis and people who don’t like abortion (which is a significant chunk of people but not all people on Earth, when you do the math.)
Do you see what Bill Kristol has learned, after getting so many things wrong all the time, especially things that result in masses of humans being killed in wars? He has learned that a lousy writer/thinker’s best friend is the Paranthetical Hedge, the use of which may lack a certain poetry… but also gives you a few square feet of plausible deniability when more humans end up dying in random countries!
Check out this hilarious first paragraph, which says nothing but still manages to be 100% composed of lies:
I like Sarah Palin (though I don’t know her well). I respect her (though I’m aware of some of her limitations). I wish her well (though I’m not convinced she should be the 2012 Republican presidential nominee).
NIMBLE AS A CAT! Sometimes he’s here, sometimes he’s there, sometimes who the hell knows. SHIFTY SHIFTY.
It’s silly to claim Palin has no chance to win the nomination or the presidency. The fact is, despite a rough campaign in 2008, Palin has been (for what it’s worth at this stage) a co-front-runner in polls of GOP primary voters for 2012, along with Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee.
Watch his feet, they never hit the ground.
The media establishment didn’t protest much about the presidential candidacy of Barack Obama. He gave a good speech at the 2004 Democratic convention, was elected to the Senate that fall, and immediately started running for president. He didn’t accomplish much in his four years in the Senate (nor could he have been expected to). But that didn’t seem to hurt his standing. Isn’t Palin about as well positioned for the 2012 GOP nomination as Obama was in 2005 for the 2008 Democratic one?
Yes but Barack Obama spent two years convincing people that he “knew things about policy” so that is a big difference, between him and the snowbilly grifter.
It’s true that Bush didn’t quit as governor and successfully ran for reelection. But why is it more admirable to run for national office while a sitting governor (or senator), spending a fair amount of time out of your state (or away from Congress), necessarily neglecting or delegating some of your duties — than to turn the office over to your constitutional successor so your constituents have someone working full time on their behalf?
Or at the zoo (sick with the flu!) while eating pie (check out that sky!) and getting high (to eat the pie!) before we die (or away from Congress).
Panicked Over Palin [WP]
“If you have an anti-mainstream-media and anti-GOP-establishment bone in your body, it’s hard not to root for her at least a bit.”
Oh, is that what he calls it? Okay then.
Billy Kristol is an annoying little dickweed whom I will punch in the throat (if it ever becomes legal to punch annoying little dickweeds in the throat).
“The media establishment didn’t protest much about the presidential candidacy of Barack Obama. He gave a good speech at the 2004 Democratic convention …”
DING DING DING!! Yay, Bill … there it is! That’s the difference. After eight years of having a twangy word ruh-tard in office, perhaps America has a new-found appreciation for a leader who doesn’t portray our country as a bunch of slack-jawed yokels (even though we are).
In his dreams!
Sarah Palin’s Guide To National Service or Go Fishing!
http://breepalin.blogspot.com/
I know it’s been said before but it appears that Kristol and the rest of the Palin sycophants need to be reminded repeatedly: no matter how obscurely clever or brazenly obsequious your water-carrying love letters to Sarah are, she is not going to leave Todd and move into your mom’s basement with you.
Why the fuck (was this idiot) hired for anything (apart from making Blizzards at Dairy Queen (which he’d probably fuck up anyway (due to his complete uselesness)))?
You should use more parentheses (or practice parthenogenesis),
ore maybe just one parenthesis (while healing your anaphylaxis).
I’m stunned. Shocked even. Why is the usually thick headed/thick skinned Kristol Meh hedging his BETS?
What happened to the man who believes he is 100% correct all the time on anything and everything? Like candies and flowers in Iraq, Hillary Clinton winning the Demrat Nom, economic prosperity for all thanks to TAX CUTS for the Rich or Walnuts as US America Preznit.
I think it’s because of Palin’s example and exemplary lojik. He feels that if someone who quits isn’t a quitter than someone who is never wrong can hedge his bets.
For some reason, this feels similar to when you guys make fun of Trig.
Today we are (all in parentheses).
Let’s be honest. Kristol’s interest in Palin has nothing to do with her politics or her electability. Old Bill’s got a wee crush on the woman.
Well, of all the things you can say about that Billy Kristol (donkey-raping shiteater), you can’t call him a blog-whore (when just whore would suffice).
But what I really want to know is, who is this Bree Palin who has been on every goddamn site in the world since last Friday and why is she still here blog-whoring?
Is there anyone less worth of being worthy of anything than Kristol?
“For psychological and sociological reasons too deep for me to grasp, a good chunk of elite America hates Sarah Palin and what they’ve decided she stands for.”
For once in my life, I truly feel that I can call myself an elite (something).
“If she throws a fit, you must acquit.”
– Billy Cochran Kristol
I can’t wait to read one of his articles after he masters use of the semicolon! (Also.)
P.S. READ MY SIX YEAR OLD BLOG
http://norbizness.blogspot.com
Brendan M.: I know how you feel. I always find it heartwarming to see someone with such an obvious cognitive disability as Kristol’s making his way in the world.
You go, Billy. Have a Popsicle and take a nappy. The short bus will be around to take you home after lunch.
He’s right about one thing - I hate the GOP establishment and I want desperately for her to stay relevant in the Republican party.
For laffs.
breepalin: Nice post (slapdick).
Bill Kristol is quite a smart fellow (for a moran).
Kristol needs to get to work on the long-awaited Fletch 3 movie instead of making starbursts in his pants (despite the grossly enlarged prostate) over Governor Grifter. She doesn’t need his support anyway, it’s all ball bearings these days.
I hate Bill Kristol (hate his fucking guts). He is a ridiculous idiot (and his writing is shit). No publication should hire him to write his crappy column (his columns are all entirely crappy).
I’m not sure I did that right.
I am not a douchebag (even though I am a turd muncher) and I do occasionally have semi-rational things to say (even if those later turn out to be patently false), but in this instance I am more concerned with the potential future lack of snowbilly-induced starbursts (even if those have caused the buttons on the remote to stick) than with the actual implications for the future governance of America (by which I mean access to taxpayer money for ‘business trips’ to St. Barts)
(Also.)
These idiots just love to point out parallels that just don’t exist ( except through repeated statements and/or squinting really hard ).
“NIMBLE AS A CAT! Sometimes he’s here, sometimes he’s there, sometimes who the hell knows.”
You make him sound like the Scarlet Pimpernel.
When I was in high school (as a sophomore), my (English) teacher gave me an F (on an essay) because I “over-used” parentheses. Maybe if Kristol had had a quality public school education like mine, or at least a decent teacher (or a freaking bitch) he wouldn’t be quite so annoying (then again…)
Palin will have to endure some fair criticism for abandoning her office before her term ended. But she should also get credit for not using her state office as a means of campaigning for a higher one.
Exactly, good point Kristol. She never did any such thing. This is another reason why I am sending extra flowers to her funeral. I urge you all to do likewise.
norbizness: I don’t think Bill’s ever been “hired” for anything. The Kristols have more money than God. He just goes where his magic carpet of gold bullion takes him.
This is the only morsel of truth in the article:
“For psychological and sociological reasons too deep for me to grasp, a good chunk of elite America hates Sarah Palin and what they’ve decided she stands for. ”
(As long as “elite” means “any person with a heartbeat and a brain stem,” of course.)
Jim: “Watch his feet, they never hit the ground.”
Perfect. You think he understands he is/has been an asshat?
I always liked Subliminal Man (but Kristol is a dick).
Send that man some John-Kerry size flip-flops (what a douche!).
to Bill:
Bag O’ Dicks (eat em),
quickly quickly (you human dildo),
Sarah sucks (also).
hmmm, it’s not art, but I like it.
Bill Kristol - living proof that you can, in fact, fool some of the people all the time (also).
mainstream media, mainstream media, mainstream media, media establishment, mainstream media, (repeat as necessary). (also)
breepalin: I have a feeling Jim’s going to give you a longoverdueblogwhoringbannation today.
Jimmy? Is today the day? Please?
CivicHoliday: FYI, was writing in the voice of Billy the Kidd there. I personally have never come anywhere close to starbursting over Pretty Ms. Quitty. (helps that I don’t have a cock. also.)
Is there some growing awareness that he has been wrong, incredibly wrong, on so much that his announcements are jokes? Maybe we need another war.
I’d like to run this article by the Department of Law before commenting further.
Lascauxcaveman: same goes for norbizness - blog whoring is for whores!
Oops, the link to the “Department of Law”:
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/07/the-person-john-mccain-thought-could-be-president.html
What he’s trying to do it to be parenthetically antithetical. Like giving himself head.
Wake up, Sheeple (Fidiots)!!11!! Palin isn’t a quitter(bitter)–she’s progressing to a higher calling(pregnant again with 5th, 6th or 7th child Whimper) to fight for energy independence (raping the environment), family values (more meth!!) and fiscal conservatism (stop whining and go to the emergency room).
Sarah, Bill loves you PERIOD. Do you love him QUESTION MARK? Please please EXCLAMATION POINT. He wants to hold you IN PARENTHESIS.
().
“If you have an anti-mainstream-media and anti-GOP-establishment bone in your body, it’s hard not to root for her at least a bit.”
I’m not sure that this older white male Republican who runs a magazine and writes a column for the Washington Post has any idea who the fuck he is.
I always thought of parentheses as more of a liberal phenomenon: a way of reflecting nuance and, yes, dithering. Caps lock and bold face are cruise control on the red state rhetorical highway.
But her term is up in 2010, so she could then go off to the lower 48 to run. She would NOT need to go out of state until then. So, that excuse for quitting now is a nonstart.
CivicHoliday: What!? Are you kidding? Everything on that Norbizness blog is pure gold (unless you read it.)
MOG: MMMM….mavericky…
Noodle Salad: MSM. Hmm, like the WaPo? The cognitive dissonance must be torture Little Billy.
Future Kristol Commentary:
“Some would say that her decision to actually bend over and light farts during her latest press conference might be political suicide. But Palin has shown that she isn’t about politics-as-usual. This may just be a shrewd and subtle signal to her base that she is a serious presidential candidate in 2012 (or maybe not).”
If she wanted to begin an attempt at redeeming the paper from her colossal “salon” clusterfuck, asshole ideology aside, his publisher should fire him for raping his mother-tongue in print.
( . )( . ) Also.
penalcolony: I read that as ‘if she shows a tit’. Silly me.
Confess! Young Billy Kristol is your best friend. As a target of snark, he’s not just low-hanging fruit but actually fruit-lying-on-the-ground, or in other words a ‘windfall’.
All Kristol’s columns prove is that he probably got an A in Comp II and that his writing hasn’t progressed since then.
NAILED IT!(I think)
And Al Franken has been sworn in as senator from the great state of Minnesota!
Newsflash, Bill. You’re writing for the Washington Post…..so…..YOU’RE the mainstream media. Sorry, man, you’re really not a rebel after all….
Lascauxcaveman: To be perfectly honest, the not-updated-in-5.8 years website I directed millions of Wonketeers towards contains nothing but sapphire bullets of pure love.
Now she has the tepid support of a conservative columnist who couldn’t hold a job at the NY Times!! And only half the people in the country hate her!! Look out all you lib’rals and elites!! She’s gonna put on her Lenscrafters buy-two-get-one-free glasses and go to town on your ass!!
“which is a significant chunk of people but not all people on Earth, when you do the math.”
I read that as “when you do the meth.” Which seems appropriate when discussing the snowbilly.
“If you have an anti-mainstream-media and anti-GOP-establishment bone in your body, it’s hard not to root for her at least a bit.”
If that seems to be the only qualification in picking a President, which does seem to be the case with the GOP, why not nominate like a sock or a pig to run for President. Sure, there’ll be people screaming “you can’t vote for it, it’s just a sock!” but Bill Kristol and Rush and all of them would just call those people elitists for saying a good-ole American sock can’t be President and I’m sure a large percentage of people would vote for it if they were told that the sock loves Jesus and guns and hates abortion and gays.
A former boss of mine used parentheticals excessively and wrote nearly as badly as Billy Kristol does (you betcha). Both are @sses who suffer from delusions of grandeur. The Grifter is two-bit lousy lying nasty-bitch QUITTER. No need for any parenthetcials to hedge my bets. The end.
Lascauxcaveman: I don’t even know who this commenter is, (I WAS ON VACATION last week), but sure whatever I will ban it.
And we care what this twat says (why)?
Hooray For Anything: Only if it’s a Gold Toe, times may change but standards must remain.
Jim Newell: vacation? Way to go with the flow, (quitter).
Johnny Zhivago: Gosh, I sure wish we had one of them Department of Law things here in Alaska so I could keep doing the people’s business without all these darn hassles! You betcha!
The phrase “failing upward” has never described a person’s career better. I yearn for the day someone knocks that smug smirk off his face.
It’s bad Kristol haiku time!
Fuck right off and die
Bill (human dildo). Also:
you, Sarah, eat dick.
Please understand Bill’s position. The neo-cons have lost one of their puppets and they want her back. Bill’s a little upset right now. And confused.
I’ve decided I don’t have to think of anything funny on my own, I can just repost comments from Bill Kristol’s WaPo columns - they’re laff riots!
JohnGalt4 wrote:
Sara Palin stands for everything liberals hate: freedom, liberty, low taxes, smaller government, pro-life… and for that I love her.
I don’t believe she should run for president, rather, I believe she should devote her time confronting liberalism head on. For every arrogant liberal with [its] nose in the air, professing how barbarian Conservatives are, she should be there to counter with how absolutely destructive liberals are to the human race and how most people never hear the truth because they are fed a steady diet liberal biased media.
Whenever I read some ranting liberal go on about how terrible and dangerous Sara Palin is it gives me hope. Why the GOP is scared of her I’m not sure, other than she is not going to win over any liberals to the GOP camp, but who needs them anyway.
God Bless Sara Palin!
Brendan M.: Naw, Trig (whom I’ve never met) was born retarded. Kristol (whom I hope never to meet) chooses to act retarded. Big difference (unless I’m wrong, which I might be).
queeraselvis v 2.0:
Kristol, you are wrong
All the muthafucking time.
Why believe you now?
smartypants: ‘Bout time you got back here. Survived the camp, I take it?
There is a dangerous beauty in his prose.
In other news:
“2 puppies stolen from Fayette County shelter”
Philadelphia Inquirer - Jul 6, 2009
snideinplainsight: she should be there to counter with how absolutely destructive liberals are to the human race and how most people never hear the truth because they are fed a steady diet liberal biased media.
Well. I have NEVER heard that before. I guess I’ll abandon my evil liberal ways now that JohnGalt4 (4!!) has shown me the lite.
PsycGirl:
“We believe that the best of America is in the small towns that we get to visit, and in the wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation,[...]” -SP
Maybe your problem is that you are an East-Coast elite, or a West-Coast elite. How can you tell? Check if you are in one of the hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation. If you are to the left of a pro-America area, in the maps, than you are probably a West-Coast elite. If you are on the right side of a pro-America area, and your map is not backwards or upside-down, than you are probably on an East-Coast elite area. Stop trying to be so eliter than the regular pro-America Americans.
Serolf Divad: Or to paraphrase James Thurber on pigeons:
No other thing in the world falls so far short of being able to do what it cannot do as Bill Kristol does. Of being unable to do what it can do, too, as far as that goes.
The comedy just writes itself, doesn’t it.
I am afraid that this story is just getting old.
American Idol sacked this contestant months ago.
So SP is America’s number one Zombie Candidate, the undead walking among us.
Maybe if we ignore her she will just go away?
The problems with people trying to be eliter is that its not progressing our great nation. Let me speak to that for a minute. In my life, if I have learned one thing: life is about choices!
And one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up, not “politics as usual”. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity. I choose not to tear down and waste precious time; but to build up this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, pro-patriotic, free people! This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. It’s energy! God gave us energy. To be freer!
We need hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right! Or, safer roads. And I will support you because we need you and you can effect change, and I can too on the outside, keeping my eye carefully on the ball and not blinking.
This dude even fails at getting struck by lightning.
Mr. Kristol wrote: “Isn’t Palin about as well positioned for the 2012 GOP nomination as Obama was in 2005 for the 2008 Democratic one?” [No, she is not. Among other reasons, she failed in her 2008 bid to become Vice-President. For another she can't get through an average interview with questions any tougher than "what's your favorite color?" without looking like a complete idiot. And Mr. Obama didn't have a Tina Fay Factor.]
“I think so [I don't] — except that her own party’s establishment fears and even loathes Palin, while the Democratic establishment wasn’t set against Obama.” [Mr. Kristol: Would that be the Democratic Establishment that was 100% behind Hillary Clinton? That Mr. Obama had to avoid by (successfully) building an entirely new organization of his own?]
Mr. Kristol: Do you have a clue?
x111e7thst: Everything’s legal if you’re a celebrity! I’m thinking Clooney would do it.
Why is it that so many Republican’s feel that they have to defend Palin? I’m starting to understand why they never questioned the war or anything W. did. If you can’t call bat-shit crazy bat-shit crazy, do you have any judgment at all?
And, Bill old boy, I know you desperately want to get into the quitters pants, but your partial argument only makes sense if she actually said that she was going to run for something else. Instead, Bible Spice just rambled and never really said anything. Yes, keeping with her normal behavior that you love, but, really, you think this is great leadership? Please see paragraph one, above.
Serolf Divad: Jonah Goldberg.
bitchincamaro: Come on, show some respect for yourself. Push those things together into some flattering cleavage.
( . Y . )
There.
There once was a Krystol named Bill
Determined to be Sarah’s shill
Kept his job with the Post
The rest were all lost
He’s writing (parenthetically) still
Somebody needs to pour Kaopectate all over that guy’s keyboard.
To speed things up I’ll go ahead and write Kristol’s next column:
p or ~p
– at least he’s figured out the trick on how to stop being constantly wrong.
snideinplainsight: What’s the difference between “Freedom” and “Liberty”?
sppeterson: Is that fancy philosopher scratchin’ for an assertion and something similar to the assertion? IE: P and “sorta” P, or is just a fancy way to spell poop?
Smile, you Neocon, smile…
Anita Cocktail: Well, Micheal Savage-Wiener says that no one is born retarded, they just need to be yelled at and slapped around a bit. Normally I’d dismiss anything that self-hating Jew/homosexual/San Fransiscan/well-educated person says, but I’d be willing to try out his advice on Bill Kristol.
The only thing positive that Palin has ever done (that wasn’t also self-serving) was to make it look as though John McCain didn’t lose the presidential election on his own (lack of) merit.
For that, Sen. McCain should be forever grateful to her.
RightLies: Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary. I’ll predict that right now.
The problem with Republicans (The Males at least) is that they think that if she WERE to win the Whitehouse (snort) they could control her.
Because she’s just a girl (no threat to a REAL man at all).
So, so very dumb.
Just ask McCain.
Really? It’s hard? I meet both of those criteria and I don’t find it the slightest bit difficult.
I don’t like her. I don’t respect her. The only heed I would pay her is if she was in my way at the supermarket, and I, an apologetic and charming liberal Jew, would say “sorry” in the cute voice I use to talk to women, although like 100% of every time someone is in your way in a store, it’s their fault, because they can’t drive a shopping cart, and they don’t have the courtesy to pay attention to their surroundings when people are moving near them.
And I MAY save her life if it was very little effort and no one else volunteered to do it within 10 seconds.
But by no means would I ever be convinced, not by the dark side of the force, not by interrogation drugs, not by threat of death, to ever root for, or support, or like anything about her. Sarah Palin makes George Bush look professional even. And like Sean Hannity says, Sarah Palin is the most hated Republican in America now. I mean I sincerely loathe Hannity and Beck and Levin and Limbaugh and Savage and Forbes and Buchanan, need I go on, but Sarah Palin is just a new xenomorphic breed of Republicunt.
To append skantea’s idea:
Women wouldn’t get along with or support her either once she was in the thick of it, because women are conniving. And vice-versa, she would turn her back on her female voters. I don’t mean so seep chauvinism, it’s just reality.
Brendan M.:
The problem I encounter with Michael “Savage”, whatever his Jew last name really is, is that a lot of the time, he certainly makes sense, and a lot of the time, I honest to god agree with his opinion. But then, sometimes, his obscenely ridiculous inherent Jew-power of coming up with these contrite conspiracy theories that are all intertwined into one big supposedly researched and legitimate explanation as to why the world is the way it is are just too incredibly stupid and ridiculous to damage my brain cells by listening to. And then you have the other times, when he’s just a stupid, pompous, racist, self-centered, pretentious out-of-touch Jew that spits conservative propaganda and even makes Hannity and Limbaugh and the other idiots on 55 KRC look like little Scott Evils in comparison. He is blatantly disrespectful to his listeners and downright slanderous to callers and people he is talking about. I honest to god can’t fathom why conservative talk radio is allowed to exist, they made their careers on first amendment slander violations. Savage wants to yell about Obama violating Article 2 Section 2 by supposedly signing a treaty that was never brought before congress, go back and read your constitutional court cases and pay some mind to your own minutely constitutional violations. He and every other conservitard sit there in their comfortable chairs, for a few hours, not doing any real work, and they bitch and slander Obama and call him a terrorist and a marxist and a communist, and blame the world on him, as if it’s all his fault. Who else was going to be president? Tell me, who else. McCain by this point would literally have gotten us into three new wars already. Obama was literally the only choice left. I didn’t want to vote for him, I voted for Hillary, and I didn’t even want to vote for her, but I chose the lesser of two evils in the Primary and in the General election, because there is no way in hell a Republican was winning the office for another 4 years. It’s high time they realize as a country we had no choice.
Could you please speak proper English if you’re going to talk about supposed elitism in American politics? Eliter is not a word. It has never been a word in any language and it will never be a word in any language because for over two thousand years we have used what’s called the comparative adjective. The proper English is “more elite than” and it will translate the same into every language that has developed on Earth. I sincerely hope you are quoting someone with that whole post rather than saying it yourself because American’s can’t just go out and affect change by doing those things. If i went out and started building a road I would have the police called on me, they would officiously ask me with a very undeserved since of authority what I am doing, and then they would detain me. Then I would be taken to the Urban Development Department’s office down across the street from the brand new and unnecessarily massive police department, whereupon they would waste an hour of my time asking the dept. about their current roadbuilding projects, and upon learning that there either was or was not supposed to be a road there, they would waste more of my time by asking me what the hell, and then in all likelihood I would be arrested and fined for working on a government project without an authorized government contract, and blah blah blah. This isn’t 1657 and we can’t take upon ourselves the liberty to start creating things that are directed or controlled by the government, which by 2009 is practically every non-commercial entity in the country.
PsycGirl:
You’re so totally right. We liberals definitely ruined the world. With our damn, snooty, 13th and 14th and 15th amendments, and our damn…civil rights legislation…..and our stupid public works projects in the 30s trying desperately to save this country from death and only succeeding after our LIBERAL desire not to see hundreds of thousands of thousands of people (no me siento si no entiende, it’s not a typo) drew us into a second world war that conservatives would have jumped straight into in the mid-30s and tried to off Hitler, thereby succeeding only in the united states being the first country destroyed instead of poland. Shame on us, for trying to reform laws in the Roman Republic, and trying to improve education, and infrastructure, and medical care, and creating Israel, and the United Nations, and fireside chats. Our genuine desire to see a healthy and functional society is so asinine, you’re right.