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Halperin: Everyone Not Named ‘Sean Hannity’ Is WRONG About Palin

TIME magazine’s chief political sociopath Mark Halperin, who is right about most things, in politics, is urging readers of his The Page website to memorize Sean Hannity’s interpretation of Sarah Palin’s steamy resignation, oh boy. Sean Hannity says not to trust the media! Since such parameters would ostensibly include Mark Halperin, we agree with Sean Hannity. But what non-Hannity conclusions does Halperin include in the latest not-annoying edition of “HALPERIN’S TAKE,” not-annoyingly titled “9 Pieces of ‘Analysis’ About Sarah Palin’s Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong”?

There is *no truth* in any of these amateurish pieces of “analysis,” which is in “quotation marks” to depict the “amateurish quality” of the “amateurish and wrong argumentation” at work “here.” “Quotation marks.”

REVEAL THE NINE…

1. This means she can’t run for president in 2012.

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2. She would have been a stronger candidate for 2012 if she had stayed in office.

3. Republican primary and caucus voters in 2012 will care if she served out her term or not.

4. This means she is definitely running in 2012.

5. Making the announcement on the Friday of a holiday weekend was really stupid.

6. Until today, Palin was well positioned to run in 2012.

7. Palin made the decision not to run for re-election all of the sudden.

8. Palin’s rhetoric about the politics of personal destruction was not heartfelt.

9. Palin’s ambition is limited to electoral politics.

Okay, so #8 is the obvious “Boner Moment” we were looking for when we read this list.

Most interesting, though, is #2: “She would have been a stronger candidate for 2012 if she had stayed in office.” There is NO TRUTH in this “analysis” at all, and no truth can be weaned from it. This is what Mark Halperin is telling us: it would be “flat-out totally wrong” to even entertain the notion that this lady quitting her elected job halfway in, because it was too difficult, could be detrimental to her run for the United States Presidency in 2012. People who think this should expect Mark Halperin to punch them in the face, for being so stupid.

HALPERIN’S TAKE: 9 Pieces of “Analysis” About Sarah Palin’s Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong [The Page]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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87 comments

  1. Dreadful Gate

    Jim, it’s not that funny and, like, who cares (SPARKS A HUGE SPLIFF)?

    Can we have more Meg McCabe?

  2. LittlePig

    3. Republican primary and caucus voters in 2012 will care if she served out her term or not.

    Halperin’s right there. Those Republican voters won’t care. All 12 of them.

  3. leftcoaster

    I love the euphemisms used for quitting: “Palin’s decision”, “not running for re-election”, “passing the ball for victory”, etc.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    The real truth is that Sarah quit being governor to manage Bristol’s career as an abstinence advocate. Because the little f*ckbunny needs someone constantly supervising her so she doesn’t get preggers again.

  5. RightLies

    Gov. (for now) Palin: If you can’t stand the heat, get back into the kitchen…

  6. Joshua Norton

    The fact that Halperin isn’t living in a refrigerator box under a bridge will remain one of the greatest mysteries of all time.

  7. chascates

    The big surprise will be when she’s announced the new coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

  8. One Yield Regular

    I’m overwhelmed not only by Halperin’s genius, but also by his prescient use of the new American flag, circa 2013, as an illustration to accompany his “analysis” list.

  9. breepalin

    Why no tweets from the Gov today? What’s she up to? Usually she’s a tweeting fool? Is she too busy progressing Alaska?

  10. Jukesgrrl

    I expect to see the Snow Queen on my TV twice as often as I did before — now that she isn’t spending 40 hours a week fixing parking tickets for her relatives.

  11. Brendan M.

    You can’t expect Mark Halperin to make sense while he has Matt Drudge’s cock in his mouth.

  12. lizard scum

    Mark Halperin is what happens when an autistic savant turns the pattern-making power of Dennis Hoffman in Rainman onto predictions in human affairs. He just knows more facts than you, Jim, but we like you the way you are.

  13. Min

    I dunno about #2 and #3. I think Mitt Romney’s camp is already printing up the “Quitters Never Win, and Winners Never Quit” buttons and T-shirts.

  14. Extemporanus

    In clinical “trials,” Halperin® has been shown to be 9 times more effective at preventing “Boner Moments” than more traditional non-chemical methods of “castration.”

  15. Sarah Palin (vp@whitehouse.gov)

    CAN’T YOU PEOPLE JUST LET ME BE!! ALSO!!

    (BTW, check out my facebook page for updates and subscribe to my twitter feed. also. I’m also speakin’ at a rodeo in Oklahoma tonight. Also.)

    -SP

  16. RightLies

    All you need to know about the GOP in 2009 is that Sheer “Hot Air” InSannity represents their serious intellectual firepower.

    His Stop Boxer, Stop Pelosi, Stop Clinton (thanks again for that one!), and Stop Radical Obama Expresses worked out so well he’s back for more.

    Actually, InSannity is the perfect prophet. Whatever he says, just believe the precise opposite…

  17. JohnnyMac

    [re=356120]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Don’t forget that she needs to spend more time keeping Todd away from other f*ckbunnies too. I think both jobs require shooting moving targets from a helicopter with a high-powered rifle.

  18. Mahousu

    [re=356132]breepalin[/re]: She’s apparently off killing fish, based on her last tweet: Grateful Todd left fishing grnds to join me this wkend; but now he’s back slaying salmon & working the kids @ the site; anxious to join ‘em!

    I’m not quite sure how Todd’s “working the kids,” but I’m probably better off not knowing.

  19. Neilist

    Okay, I figured it out.

    Hannity is Palin’s FIRST retarded child. Lost/separated at birth.

    Sort of a drooling version of “The Count of Monte Cristo,” or “The Man In The Iron Mask.”

  20. wilmawonker

    That photo montage with the floating sarah head in the middle is going to give me nightmares.

  21. hobospacejunkie

    7. Palin made the decision not to run for re-election all of the sudden.

    What the hell does all of the sudden mean? Halperin is more of a hick & rube than I thought. I know what it means, but it signals to the reader that the writer is a moran. Especially when one word, suddenly, works much better and doesn’t make you sound like Cletus from the Simpsons. Anyhoo, I thought the correct usage of this dumbass phrase was all of a sudden. Whatever. It should never be used by anyone with more than a 3rd grade education, if then.

  22. lizard scum

    [re=356147]labdork[/re]: Who is “Dustin Hoffman”? You are confused, my friend. Even if I were confused, I wouldn’t admit it because I read Halperin’s advise to Hillary: be like Bush and never admit mistakes.

    Anyway, Halperin is proof that people get dumber as they grow older. Can you imagine anything that Halperin did as a child, no matter how outrageous your imagination, that would be dumber than what he does right now?

  23. wildeoats

    What about the 10th piece of analysis — that she is now a pro choice candidate because she didn’t carry her governorship to full term, but instead made the tough choice to abort it? Or the 11th, that she is too smart for a fucking stupid state like Alaska? Or the 12th, wait there’s someone at the door. . . brb

  24. assistant/atlas

    WTF, Mark Halperin? Literally just a numbered list? No explanation, just throwin’ crap out there?

    Man, I would be seriously disappointed if anyone gave a flying fuck about you or this supposed “TIME magazine.”

    [re=356134]Brendan M.[/re]: Well said.

    [re=356148]RightLies[/re]: Whatever he says, just believe the precise opposite… Just like Bill Kristol!

  25. chascates

    [re=356158]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I don’t think any self-respecting copy editor would ever check Halperin’s work, or that of Noonan or Kristol. They may draw short straws for who has to glance over it but it’s got to be a pretty painful exercise.

  26. WadISay

    Jesus, Mark, if you’ve watched TV in the last 5 years you know that if the boner lasts more than six months, consult your physician.

  27. WadISay

    10. She’s an utter fucking narcissistic, boastful, ignoramus. That one is actually true.

  28. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    You know, when you base your blog entries on what Sean Hannity shouts out while masturbating to a picture of Sarah Palin, you are just asking to be wrong.

    [re=356142]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: When will someone pass me the bong?

  29. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Nine actually things that cannot happen now that Palin has quit:

    9) She can’t run for anything else, since this would just encourage more attacks on her family.

    8) She can’t help anyone else run, because this will just bring more derision from the media elite.

    7) She can’t publish a book or make money any other way, as this would just show she quit for more money.

    6) She can’t host a talk show on Fox, as this would just encourage more attacks on her family.

    5) She can’t go to Iowa, as this would take away time from her family.

    4) She can’t go to New Hampshire, as this will take her away from her iconic special needs baby.

    3) She can’t travel to the lower 48, as this will just force David Letterman to make a joke, hurting the former first Dude.

    2) She can’t do anything for Alaska, as she has already stated that Alaska is better off without her.

    1) She can’t run for President, as this requires a four-year commitment.

    I will note that my analysis is more consistent and realistic than Mr. Halperin’s. Now, who wants to give me a six-figure book deal?

  30. slappypaddy

    This isn’t exactly on point, but I haven’t seen it dealt with anywhere else. Not that I’ve been looking real hard. But when Caribou Barbie wrapped up that meth-jag she called her resignation announcement the other day, she supposedly quoted from General MacArthur, cherished ghost of the far-right wing of this country’s masses, whom she had supposedly deliver the resounding quip about how, “We’re not retreating — we’re just advancing in a different direction.” Except — it wasn’t MacArthur who said that. It was Oliver P. Smith, the Marine Corps general whose entire command got its ass in one serious sling when MacArthur ignored intelligence that Chinese forces had infiltrated into Korea and surrounded his troops and were about to kick the shit out of them. Which they did. God bless the marines, they were able to fight their way out to safety, but god-damn, how many times do our leaders have to sacrifice our troops on the altar of stupidity? And will there ever be any hope that Caribou Barbie will ever be able to get any set of facts straight? Does she even know that verifiable facts exist?

    There. I feel all better now. I can get back to doing what I get paid to do.

  31. El Pinche

    [re=356119]leftcoaster[/re]:
    Other euphemisms for quitting:

    “answering to a higher calling”
    “giving America a reach around and giving Alaska an unwelcomed Dirty Sanchez.”
    “saving Alaska”

  32. user-of-owls

    [re=356170]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: She can, however, throw snowballs at Iranian snipers.

  33. user-of-owls

    Oh, and by the way…the phrase “boner moment” and the picture on the post: TOO PROXIMATE…FAIL.

  34. finallyhappy

    [re=356194]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: I don’t understand it but it seems like you are insulting the manatee.

  35. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=356185]user-of-owls[/re]: And she is our first line of defense against missiles from Russia.

  36. Lily Brown

    She’s not doing it to run for President. She’s doing it to be FAMOUS. Ten bucks says she has her own talk show within four months, which OMGOODNESS I would watch so hard!

  37. WickedWitch

    [re=356194]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: No he’s not. He’s the fat slug you hate to squish, because the anticipation of squishing is sometimes just as delicious as the actual squishing. And the beauty about slugs is that after it rains, there are many slugs to squish.

  38. chascates

    Since she mentions the troops in every speech, tweet, etc. she might consider joining up. Imagine the hilarity as Mom is assigned to the same platoon as son Tripp and is always checking his rifle for cleanliness and making sure he finishes his MREs as there are people starving in India. And Iraq. And Alaska for that matter.

    Or she could entertain said troops as a Donut Dolly in the USO. She could be the Joey Heatherton to John McCain’s Bob Hope.

  39. jodyleek

    [re=356180]slappypaddy[/re]: The baby Jeebus whispers ‘facts’ into Sarah’s ear while she takes her daily dump. True story.

  40. 3rdrtcompgennknme

    CE Grammar Game

    Correctly draw a line from the noun to the corresponding adjective and receive 317 continuing education credits:

    Hannity Douche Bag

    Halperin Douche Bag

    Palin Douche Bag

  41. MzNicky

    Every time I see Sean Hannity’s insufferably smug smirky shit-eatin’ smarmy fat mug I get this overwhelming desire to grab hold of a rotted maggoty yet still somewhat firm king mackerel and just fucking smash his goddam face with it about 100 times. I don’t know why.

  42. Georgia Burning

    [re=356217]chascates[/re]: only if she can drag the kids along for photo ops. BTW don’t diss Joey Heatherton.

  43. Autochthon

    [re=356229]MzNicky[/re]: He DOES have that smug, beady-eyed, frat-house, date-raping smirk down pat, doesn’t he?

  44. Chuck Fildren

    Why does Mark Halperin have a job? How? Maybe he should resign as this would clearly in no way be detrimental to his chances of being employed 3 years from now.

    Does anyone listen to Halperin anymore? I would think that when the team that got the first Black president elected in an overwhelming victory over old white people who crash planes and sell america its beer to guzzle down its collective gullet says that they got said president elected by specifically ignoring and, indeed, doing the opposite of what this man says it would be somewhat damaging to his reputation as a political “analyst” and Time magazine would fire him for fear of the stink of failure catching on them, especially since failing seems to be so contagious in the media these days.

  45. chascates

    [re=356231]Georgia Burning[/re]: No way will I diss Joey! I figure just being married to her drove Lance Rentzel crazy. She is a stone fox.

  46. Advocatus_Diaboli

    does anyone still think of Sean Hannity as anything more than one of those dingleberries that roll up in your swim trunks on an unseasonably humid Fourth of July?

  47. BlueStateLibtard

    Alright, I apologize to manatees everywhere, tell them to get the hell off my lawn. Instead I’ll say he’s like the live-flesh-eating bloated ogre that inhabits Dante’s 5th circle of hell.

  48. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=356247]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: THAT’S MORE LIKE IT, you eco-extremist bastard.

  49. Bruno

    In Sarah’s mind she has been elected VP because there is no way she could lose. She is merely resigning to assume her proper role in Government following the decision of the Minnesota Supreme Court which over-ruled all election decisions. Then she can lead the senate and break all the ‘ties’

  50. Bruno

    [re=356205]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Thank god Barry is in Russia to reset our relations, otherwise who would protect us from Russian incursions into our airspace.

    Or he’s decided to sell the whole lot of them Alaskans back to the Rooskies

  51. Zorg

    This is a good Palin story, but it will be overshadowed by the upcoming story of her disappearance. After weeks of national media speculation and perhaps a poem about her by Ed Hirsch, she’ll be found wandering out of the Sonoran desert into Aguas Prietas, explaining that she had been kidnapped and held in a filthy hovel for a month. There will be doubters and her career will fade away. Perhaps Tommy Lee will mention in a future autobiography that she had him delivered to her secret Juneau love nest by her state limo and just plain used him for sex. This sort of thing has been known to happen before, after all.

  52. J

    Can someone please go back and find the tape of Marky Mark on Hugh Hewitt’s show where he (Marky) had his tongue so far up his (lardass Hewitt’s) rectum he could taste the Brylcreem (to quote Uncle Junior).

  53. Todd Mecklem

    My guess is that Sarah will rescind her resignation, thereby quitting at quitting. Then masked soldiers will seize her in her nightclothes and catapult her from Little Diomede to Big Diomede, making her the Russians’ problem. She and Putin will swim upstream and spawn, after which she’ll give birth to the future World Emperor. God help us all.

  54. sezme

    [re=356120]SayItWithWookies[/re]: She made a good start by pretty much ruining Bristol’s chances with A-Rod, though.

  55. El Pinche

    Jesus Buttfucking Christ, watch Palin’s greatest hits of stupidity. Warning, your pineal gland might start bleeding.

    [re=356311]The-Gentle-Art[/re]: Yes, I’d like to tie Mika to a chair (naked, of course) and prop her eyes open Clockwork Orange style and make her watch this video. Then ask what her thoughts are now.

  56. TeddyS

    Sarah can now safely leave Alaska and move to Texas, thereby helping America by raising the IQs of both states. Old joke. Sorry. Anything stronger might get me sued by Caribou Barbie.

  57. Wet Work

    I finally understand what the ‘pitbull with lipstick’ analogy meant: pitbulls have very poor impulse control.

  58. SayItWithWookies

    [re=356310]sezme[/re]: Knowing teenage girls and A-Rod, she’s probably just thrown them together. Either way, there’s still the rest of MLB to deal with. And, more importantly, the entire NHL.

  59. ElitistMarxshits

    Pilgrimage

    Take a turn, take a turn
    Take our fortune, take our fortune

    They called the clip a two-headed cow
    Your hate clipped and distant, your luck, pilgrimage
    Rest assured this will not last, take a turn for the worst
    Your hate clipped and distant, your luck a two-headed cow
    The pilgrimage has gained momentum
    Take a turn, take a turn
    Take our fortune, take our fortune

    Speakin’ in tongues, it’s worth a broken lip
    Your hate clipped and distant, your luck, pilgrimage
    Rest assured this will not last, take a turn for the worst
    Your hate clipped and distant, your luck a two-headed cow
    The pilgrimage has gained momentum
    Take a turn, take a turn
    Take our fortune, take our fortune

    Pilgrimage. Pilgrimage.

    Speakin’ in tongues, it’s worth a broken lip
    Your hate clipped and distant, your luck
    Rest assured this will not last, take a turn for the worst
    Your hate clipped and distant, your luck two-headed
    The pilgrimage has gained momentum
    Take a turn, take a turn
    Take our fortune, take our fortune

    Pilgrimage. Pilgrimage.

    The pilgrimage has gained momentum
    Take a turn, take a turn
    Take our fortune, take our fortune
    Take a turn, take a turn
    Take our fortune, take our fortune

    ’nuff said.
    Michael Stipe for AK gov ’10

  60. ElitistMarxshits

    Actually, I should really cut & paste the entire lyrics of Murmur into the comments bc either it is a Prophesie of Recent Events in the Northern Territories, or this weed is much better than I thought…

    Oh Sarah, “we could bind it in the cist / We could gather, throw a fit… I can hear you, I can hear you… Can you hear me?” (“Me” being M. Stipe).
    WHY DID M. STIPE c. 1983 HAVE ACCESS TO THE EVENTS OF S. PALIN’S RESIGNATION IN 2009!!!

    (Oh yeah. And “9-9″ is clearly a reference to the Gibson/Curic era interviews… aka “Conversation Fear”)… Why isn’t the MSM (or anyone) reporting on this????

  61. villageatrois

    Lotsa theories on her quitting, but my fave is that she has been diagnosed with a fatal disease. This will keep her the center of attention for years, without having any accountability for actually holding a position of responsibility. Then she will have a miracle cure (praise Jesus!) for which Obama healthcare does not pay (oh, the shame!). Then she will announce her candidacy for President in 2016. She will make a courtesy call to the widow of Jaws McCain, to ask for money and permission to run with Meaghan.

  62. Ozonator

    “A. Our Ozonator’s Preamble for Survival (OOPS) … 2. Why the good people of China, Italy, New Zealand blasted by our global warming, and even disreputable sex tour operators (with small sheep), should ban anyone from … extremist Republicans and Christians from directly fouling their country .. While I predicted a 6+ for Alaska under 4/12 – 18/09 and “B1. Weeks’ Reporting Period of GBRWE 6/14 – 20/09. … From American extremists’ holy environmental racism, tornadoes, blizzards, and other forms of lightning or something uglier will develop: … Palin Breeding Facility, Fairbanks”. Under the home of Governor Palin’s breeding facility in Wasilla, “An earthquake was felt near the town of Wasilla. … magnitude of 2.8 and was centered just nine miles west of Wasilla” (“Earthquake Felt In Wasilla”; By AP; wkrg.com, 7/2/09). Few extremist Republicans and Christians can say they rose from the dead,“Matthew 27:54 … When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”” (biblegateway.com). Bad news for Muslims, Jews, Catholics, and Democrats, the next savior of extremists is like a Joan of Arc leading the teaming hordes sweeping out of green pastures in the Arctic Circle – “WASILLA, Alaska – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin made a surprise announcement Friday that she is resigning from office at the end of the month without explaining why she plans to step down … ” … in this particular climate would just be another dose of politics as usual …” Palin said … Later, on Twitter, she promised supporters more details … rattles a Republican Party plagued with setbacks … including extramarital affairs disclosed by two other 2012 presidential prospects, Nevada Sen. John Ensign and South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford” (“Palin resigning as Alaska governor on July 26”; By RACHEL D’ORO, Associated Press Writer; news.yahoo.com, 7/3/09)” (“GBRWE 7/5 – 11/09′s Extreme Planetary Warnings for Earthquakes, Volcanoes, and Solar/Terrestrial Flares from Human Activities”; Robert Rhodes, Supplemental; GBRWE 7/5 – 11/09, 7/4/09).

  63. Ozonator

    “Jasper f. krone says at 9:07 am, July 7th, 2009 .. Was the original piece even longer?”

    My post was just the tip of the melting iceberg. Related earthquake, volcano, and solar predictions can be found:

    http://www.economist.com/sciencetechnology/displaystory.cfm?story_id=13933342&fsrc=rss&mode=comment&intent=readBottom

    While LABI (Rush) Limbaugh may know “liberals” “like every square inch of” his “glorious naked body”, I lack his crystal balls and use a $10 calculator to determine all the ways extremist Republicans and Christians use their global warming products and components to further sell us into environmental slavery.

  64. El Pinche

    [re=356979]Ozonator[/re]: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

  65. Ozonator

    More current Ozonator’s solar flares and sunspots correctly predicted from our RNC bathroom enthusiasts (Drudge flamers, Palin pokers, ceramic throned Hannity’s, and heck of a job brown Stossels), and other rapers and pillagers of the planetary ecosystem –

    “EarthTalk: Does the sun have more impact on climate change than humans?”

    BY E/THE ENVIRONMENTAL MAGAZINE

    http://www.miamiherald.com/news/environment/story/1118989.html

  66. Ozonator

    Gov Sarah Palin’s supporters’ farm raised marijuana crop must have failed for her to bail and ExxonMobil’s server farm to take over.

    In searching news.google.com for “global warming” at 1 AM CST on 7/8/09, the top 4 main stories consisted of 2 FoxxonMobil News and ExxonMobil’s Trojan horse – da examiner.com (filled with extremist Republicans and Christian seamen and one guy we call Ann Coulter): “Al Gore Compares Fight Against Global Warming to Struggle Against … FOXNews … Oxfam Details Economic Impact of Warming … New York Times … Scientists: Rich Should Pay More for Global Warming …FOXNews - … Global warming? Cap and trade this …. examiner.com. Thus, “How long can global warming stand up to reality? … “Cap and Trade” legislation proponents. …suggestions that people who don’t believe man made CO2 emissions … are akin to Flat Earth believers … CO2 levels are an almost insignificant factor in climate when compared to things like sunspot activity, seismic activity and other factors currently beyond our control. … How stupid do they think we are? This isn’t a mistake, it’s a lie. Wake up folks. We’ve been had once again” (“Global warming? Cap and trade this.”; Ed “butt” Duffy, another idiot Denver News Examiner; examiner.com, 7/7/09).

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