Wonkette
Once upon a time, this nobody governor in, uhh, one of the southern states, but not a famous one like Florida, got a book deal. He was supposed to write about how to be conservative or something, A Southern Gentleman’s Guide To Being Conservative, but then this nobody governor turned into Mark Sanford, the Sparkin’ Thing, with his soulmate The Argentine Firecracker, and his nice wife The Kindly Wife Who Kept It Together, and basically we were in teevee miniseries territory, so of course Sanford’s publisher has killed his book. What?
The New York Observer reports:
As promised, the folks at Sentinel, the conservative imprint of Penguin, have come to a decision about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s book on fiscal conservatism. According to a statement sent out just now by associate publisher Will Weisser, Sentinel has “agreed to release” Governor Sanford from his contract in light of the scandal that brought his promising political career in the Republican party to an end last week. The brief statement called it a “mutual decision.”
Okay, so exactly nine (9) people would’ve bought Mark Sanford’s boring-ass book about “fiscal conservatism,” because Mark who? But the rumors were that Sanford would “rejigger” the manuscript into a sexy adulterous family-hating Argentine-fucking line-crossing literary tour de force, the Southern Gothic Emo-Yacht Club-Preppie Le Scaphandre et le Papillon of our time.
The conservative publisher wanted no part of this Latin Sexytime. Mark Sanford will have to fall in love with an 11-year-old urchin boy if he wants to sell his sex memoirs to Republicans.
So if I cross the line (with a few women), Ken will take away my commenting rights?
I want me some Latin sexy time
Maybe it’ll be serialized in Penthouse Letters?
tag FAIL.
Remember when Republican Wonkette sexy time was Jessica Cutler?
“Outspokin’”? “Out, pokin’” is more like it…
That’s HTML tag FAIL.
And Choderlos de Laclos would have written the foreword. This is preposterous!
I don’t want to have to settle for his reality show.
Fess up! Who failed HTML 101?
This is good. Now I can apply the money for Sanford’s book to my money for Hopey’s “My Favorite Poem’s in Urdu.”
Sentinel was considering it, but then decided they’d have to change from a serious political publishing house to one that covered salacious gossip and celebrity news. Which would probably mean a name change. And “Huffington Post” was already taken, so…
damn straight they released him from that contract. he’ll be signing a new one soon enough, for a book called, “Out Pokin’”
And Jenny continues to kill any hope the poor schmuck has at happiness by releasing a statement about how she’s willing to try and forgive him for his “inexcusable” pussy madness. She’s not going to ask for a divorce when she can play the martyr and make him even more miserable. Poor, poor Mark… take all those “feelings” and push them way down inside until you’re walking on them — then smile so people will know how much you love Jesus.
Cool. It’s an italic party! Solidarity to hypocrisy!!
What? Conservatives don’t like stories about sex with women?
Oh.
Anyway, close the tags, Wonkette interns.
Ken is too busy writing his book about Dogtown and the Z-Boys, and has no time to close the fucking tags himself. Lame.
next we’ll hear that he is out “hiking the California coast”
Hey, everybody’s is italicized, he exclaimed, his bodice heaving.
magic titty: Les Liasons Argentine
/SOMEBODY FORGOT TO STOP THEIR /i when doing Italics on their post. FIX PLEASE. OH LORDY LORDY. “
Italics are for faggots.
God you people are seven kinds of insane. Yes, sometimes a blog post has a formatting issue, and then the blogger looks at the post, and fixes it, and republishes it. This process usually takes a few minutes.
STOP READING THE INTERNET, go home and have a three-day weekend. Jesus fucking christ.
I agree with Josh Marshall–Sparkin’ Mark should forget about the governorship and his dictatorial wife and his 2012 ambitions and everything else. Go to Buenos Aires and fuck nonstop for about a year, Mark. Then you’ll be able to write a book everybody will want to read.
[i]It was a dark and stormy night when I met my Argentine Lover at our secret rendezvous.
“Where were you Marco, my love my world?” she said in her delightful latin accent.
“I had a family occasion that the rich heartless harpy bitch made me go to,” I pouted.
“Please, no more about her. Tell me about fizkal konservatizm, my stallion”
“It all starts with low taxes for the rich important people like me, baby.”
“Oh, I’m so hot for you!”
“Then we’ll cut important government services”
“I’m so wet!”
“Next, we’ll outsource all the services to private contractors and get rid of civil servants!”
“OhdiosmioOhdiosmioOhdiosmio!!!!!!!”
“After that we’ll deregulate everything because the free market knows best!”
“I want you in me NOW!!!”
She threw me on the bed and my raging deregulator ravaged her regulations. Thoughts of being deballed by a Skil Saw wielding harpy were long lost by the tidal wave of physical sensations…
Ken Layne: Why does Wordpress do that? I blame Trig.
This just proves that Conservative publishers are as stupid as the people that buy their books. Can you imagine the sales? With titles such as:
3) I thought the Internet was for Porn, So I was Blindsided when My Heart Found Love in my Hotmail account
7) Children: They make good props, but by God’s Sake, Get the Hell Away from Them Around Father’s Day or they Talk Your Ear Off
10) Why is it Only Mexican Speaking Women and Democrats will Give You a Hummer?
14) Did you know there are positions other than Missionary?
22) Going Anal, Crossing the Ultimate Line
They could rename it A Southern Gentleman’s Guide To Being An Argentine-Sparking Hypocrite and turn it into a graphic novel with a big-haired, big-boobed, kick-ass Argentinian woman in leather as the love interest. The geek boys would eat. it. up.
Not to worry - it’s almost certain to show up as an important chapter in Meghan McCain’s book.
True Story: There’s a little Mark Sanford in everyone.
Ken Layne: We all love you Ken!
Ken Layne: Why do you hate your readers, Ken? And why do you think we have lives to go home tO>
On alt.text: I think he’s bringin’ teh gay pretty good–or was that an example of Ken’s elitist IRONY?
Autochthon: beat me to it
TIP - http://whitehouse.gov/blog/Behind-the-Scenes-President-Obama-and-Disneys-Hall-of-Presidents
Penguin -> tuxedo -> tango -> Argentina. Forget Sentinel. Pitch a bodice-ripper to Penguin. It is a higher class publisher anyway.
And I think Agentine Firecracker is unfair designation. Too tawdry and frivolous. She is, via apparently reliable emo-governor sources, an Sultry Erotic Luv-Goddess.
Shit. If Scooter Libby can write - and sell! - a book in which an IRL Pedobear plays a key role, as well as a scene of guys fucking a dead deer, Mark Sanford can write a book about fiscal conservative even though his heart was all a-sparkin’ over Evita down there in Buenos Aires.
I feel obliged to point out, per my granny, that no REAL “Southern Gentleman” would refer to himself as a “southern gentleman” - that’s a title others should bestow upon you.
Nor, I suspect she’d say, would a true gentleman leave his wife and children to go off gallivantin’ after prime Pampas poon…
Throw the book at him.
Ken Layne: I am at home- and I am not stopping reading until the story of mark and the male prostitute and the meth comes out. Or I will accept 2 female prostitutes,a donkey and cocaine.
Vanity Smurf: Jenny’s fucking smart, is what she is. I know she sees right through the bullshit, and just wants Mr. Sparky pants to push her so far that SHE ends up being the one to cut the cord, so he can walk guilt-free. Not so much, Marky mark and the missing pants. You’re going to have to leave her in a career-ending show of pussy madness, and go move to Argentina and cry until your Maria come back to you, or you’ll have to shut your fat mouth and live in quiet desperation, deprived of that hot latin vayjay you crave so very much, until the release of sweet sweet death.
Never mind the HTML pedants, Ken. Please don’t abandon us this weekend. There will be teabagging parties to mock and, ideally, many photos and/or reports sent in from the parties. Plus it’s 4th of July so there should be much false patriotism to mock as well. At the very least an open thread. I can’t imagine three days w/o Wonkette, much less five & a half years, or four blocks, etc.
Ken Layne: Reading Wonkette is precisely what I do when I am home. You better have constantly updated content for me over the next three days, or I will cancel my subscription!
So Wonkette hates Amerika again?
CivicHoliday: I realize all that. I say it makes her even more of a sick puppy than he is. If she wanted to be the bigger person and salvage her dignity she’d say something like, “I’m so glad Mark has found his soul mate, I wish them well in their new life,” file for divorce and sole custody, and keep all her money plus any that he has. Acting like the moral heiress to Phyllis Schlafly is not the way to come out ahead. But all those GOP stepford wives are dead inside, so she’s just doing what comes naturally.
You had to show him in an Outspokin’ shirt, hanging with cyclists, two days before the sacred Tour de France!? I would issue a fatwa, except the only fatwa I ever knew was Fat Wally the banjo player who was very talented, played on Rush Street in Chicago and proved that you don’t get skinny playing on the street if you’re talented.
ManchuCandidate: Glad to see Mark found a ghostwriter. Who plays her on the audiobook version? Charo?
ManchuCandidate: THAT was fucking brilliant. I am humbled. Go here in haste, and compete: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
ManchuCandidate: Did you pen my favorite line from my fave skinflik, Motown Hotown?
“Oh baby, all this talk about cars, is makin’ me sooooooooooo horny!”
Author!
Ken Layne: I love it when you talk dirty!
Autochthon: What screams “Southern Gentleman” more than cheating on your wife with a mistress whose skin is darker than yours? Thomas Jefferson would like to know.
PAbitter: Technically, it’s not cheating when your wife is dead.
ManchuCandidate: My bosom is heaving and I am begging you for Chapter 2. Nothing but your Manchu fireworks can spark my lonely three-day weekend. But please, my Hemingway … be gentle, not too much more about the Skil Saw, I am a sensitive grrl.
Already with the rednecks & firecrackers in my neighborhood. It’s nice to live on a larger spread south of town but for the High Redneck Holy Days, including a lame-o neighborhood parade and endless shooting of cheap fireworks night & day all 4th of July weekend. These dickheads worship 2 gods: one of firecrackers & one of fire. On days other than holidays, our rednecks love to burn their trash, twigs & garden/lawn waste. Fuckin’ redneck motherfuckers.
hobospacejunkie: Not to mention the furry sex orgy known as Anthrocon 2009 that is taking place in Pittsburgh this weekend, a mere four hour drive from Wonkette HQ. If Wonkette doesn’t have a reporter there, how will we know how many state legislators and other Important Government Employees showed up to celebrate their independence by scritching?
Not to mention, enquiring minds want to know how many bailbondsmen are there to offer discounts to Republican Pedo Panda Bears.
hobospacejunkie: Meh, they do more damage when they vote.
Jukesgrrl: You think bailbondsmen give discounts? That’s the first naive thing I’ve ever seen you write.
A Southern Gentleman’s Guide To Being Conservative, the Conscience of a Family Values Social
1. After many “Jonathan and David” encounters in glitter-ball discos and steamy greciam baths, find The Mister Sanctifying Capitalist Jesus.
2. Marry well. She reads The Scriptiures on the wedding night and then makes you bark like an apricot poodle. So what? Cash is not trash.
3. Become governor of South Whatever.
4. Come near “The Line” when you visit a girls’ summer camp. The preteens’ lanyards. Their latina maids’ aprons more so. Why must they torture you?
5. Dodge your SC security. Visit the CRAZY life of lower Manhattan. Notice the exotica: Jews and Catholics walking the same street as if they were equal to Baptists in the eyes of God. Supress the rising of your man-muscle at this scene.
6. See a Mexican cleaning woman. Hop back and forth across “The Line” like a rabbit in heat
7. Cheat on your wife of umpteen years. She does not see your soul.
8. Hide your sleazy cheating from your wife.
9. The wife catches you.
10. She catches you again.
11. Shw catches you, one more time.
12 Fly 4000 miles to some Latin American location for monkey-wild nooky. And decent BBQ. Cry on the trip back.
Lie.
13. Get caught. Lah-dee-dah.
14. Brush teeth. Give a soulful press interview. Lie some more.
15. Have wifey committed to the South Carolina Institution for Those in Denial.
16. Profit.
Jukesgrrl: BLOODY HELL! I KNOW/I’VE FUCKED THESE TWO (the bearded blokes closest to the photographer)… eWWWWWwwww! I never thought they were FURRIES! Good Gawd, I feel dirty now… is there a Statute of Limitations of a Rape Shower??!!?!??
Alpha O. Mega: Who cares, as long I can make fun of the South?
Besides, you’ve no proof that he waited until his wife was dead. Plenty of plantation owners didn’t.
What’s ironic is that in real life, my S.O. is a Virginian Southern Belle. If she only knew what I say about the South on Wonkette… this place is my Argentine, my juicy, dirty, beloved little secret.
I love the stench of righteous evangelical right-wing hypocrite first thing every morning.
Bearbloke: Me.
Vanity Smurf: Want to start a wonkette contest to see who can most closely predict the office for which Jen will run–and the announcement date?
I need some info before I start: When is Lindsay Graham’s term up? Isn’t he from the same obscure state she lives in? Jen’s noble (and very public) suffering is working up such right-wing love that someone is bound to put some incriminating movies on utube featuring LIndsay and at least one of the under-age boys he’s boinking, just to give Jen a step up on the race. Or Lindsay might resign and Mark could just appoint his missus to make up for what he did to her.
It’s a win for everybody! Except if Lindsay is from that other Carolina. I get the Dakotas mixed up, too.
ManchuCandidate: Is this an audition to become Mark’s ghostwriter on the book we all want to read? Because I’d give you the job.
[hobospacejunkie: I don’t now shit about HYML or anything else, so I never know there’s a problem. Ken kicked my ass one night for such ignorance and I will never make that mistake again.
See you loves ya’, Ken? When you’re done with your book on California, I’ll be glad to give you a tour of the Dust Bowl for your next one.
Before they cancel the book on Fiscal Conservatism, did they even bother finding out whether he flew coach?
And Ken, more Mark Sanford. I feel like shit, it’s a million fucking degrees in the Dust Bowl and my health insurance company is newly fucking me over prescription drugs. And we’re losing the public option. No one on the teevee is going to say anything vaguely correct or interesting about the Founders. And who cares about Iran? Michael Jackson is dead.
The whole world is fucked, so the only news I intend to follow over the holiday is Sanford news. Hence, sixteen posts in as many minutes on this thread.
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DustBowlBlues: “I don’t now shit about HYML ”
For instance . . .
hobospacejunkie: Ha! Dude, you are soooo not invited to my annual 4th o’ July trash fire weenie roast and ATV rallye.
People! Does no one care about this douche, Sanford? Pleeeze–I need distraction from the beastly heat and my insurance fuckover. (Exaggerated sad face like Oliver, asking for more). Pleeeze–Can’t someone bring the funnies? Has Sanford done nothing of new wingnuttiness today?
anyone want to make comments on Gov. Sanford’s facebook page…i did
PlanetWingnuta: The Mark Sanford for President 2012 Facebook page is more fun…
BREAKING NEWS: Palin won’t run for re-election in Alaska
http://www.rte.ie/news/2009/0703/palins.html
The alt-text? Isn’t OUT Spokin’ gay enough? Sounds like a queer bicycle club to me …
I think Sanford needs to do some homework on love first, reading books other than the bible to figure out how things work in the real world. I’ve got a good first piece for suggested reading: http://thestimulist.com/resolved-shes-just-not-that-into-you/