sex advice columns

Including the legendary 'That Sparkin' Thing'THE SAD ROMANTICAL BALLAD OF MARK SANFORD: “Of course, when you’re a middle-aged man facing the collapse of your life’s work and abandoning hope of being with the woman you call your ‘ soul mate’ rational decision making or a clearly considered plan may be too much to expect.” Illustration by our pal Lauri. [TPM]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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58 comments

  1. Hawaiiexpat

    I know I’ll be in the minority, but let me now defend Fabio Sanford for a second.

    Everyone knows that Latinas are the new Asian girls – the exotics that you dream about but don’t mention in public company. No man on this board can deny that he’s dreamed about going all Appalachian Trail with Jessica Alba.

    Leave Sanford alone!

    :booking own trip to Argentina:

  2. IceCreamEmpress

    I swear to God, unless that man shuts up, I will never have sex again, because listening to him just makes me and the husband want to do ANYTHING but touch each other’s bits.

  3. nappyduggs

    More on the fairy tale of the romantic prisoner “Chumpelstiltskin.” This dickcheese is such a quivering swamp rat. And a pillow princess, I’d bet. Also.

  4. Cape Clod

    So much magical crap has been falling out of Sanford’s mouth in the last week that it is only fitting that it be set to music.

  5. AliBabaInBA

    [re=353084]Hawaiiexpat[/re]: Already here (BA=Buenos Aires).
    My advice: Get fit, if you aren’t, or prepare to be wrecked.

    As far as defending “Fabio” (?!), where’s the fun in that?

  6. wx insider

    [re=353084]Hawaiiexpat[/re]: I agree 100%. Hell, I have a J.Lo poster on my bathroom wall!!

  7. chascates

    [re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: And your review has a nice comment by a probable South Carolinian. Or just a normal idiot.

  8. Hawaiiexpat

    [re=353098]AliBabaInBA[/re]: I’m not fit, so instead of being wrecked, I’ll just sit on the bark-o-lounger and heckle Bill Kristol and Glenn Beck when their big, ugly heads appear on the teevee.

    Thanks for the advice/warning.

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Mark should consider covering the following songs:

    Tainted Love
    Don’t Cry for Me Argentina
    Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

  10. hobospacejunkie

    So you’re saying Sanford serenaded Chica Chapur every morning with a stirring, a cappella version of Classical Gas? Because I’d believe anything about the Palmetto Peen at this point.

    Hi Lauri!

  11. finallyhappy

    [re=353092]nappyduggs[/re]: I love your comment- May I steal a bit of it when I post elsewhere? “This dickcheese is such a quivering swamp rat” Surely, Pride and Prejudice would have been improved had Jane Austen said this of Wickham.

  12. 4tehlulz

    Gov. Sanford’s cover of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” was heartwrenching. I wanted to cut myself in his honor.

  13. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=353106]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

    Also featuring:

    Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

    Her Only Bad Habit Is Me

    How Can I Get Over You if You Won’t Get Out from Under Me?

    How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?

    If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

    If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!

    I’ve Got the Cob, If You’ve Got the Corn

    You Done Me Wrong, But at Least You Done Me!

    And Also!

    800 Pound Jesus

  14. Dolmance

    Hawaiiexpat, what are you thinking?!

    Listen, I’ve lived 12 years in Mexico. I’ve had a lot of experience over here and I can say without doubt that anyone who thinks they can run some kind of game on Latin women is crazy. They will love you when everyone hates you and hate you when everyone loves you – and you can be the king of the world and they will walk out on you in a heartbeat if they think for one moment that you’re running a game.

    If Mark Sanford had done to a Latin woman what he did to his wife, he very well could have woken up one morning like John Bobbit.

    Aside from that, there’s something about gringos that many Latin women find repulsive. And you have to overcome it with a great and mighty heart – and then you can be the ugliest man on earth and it won’t matter.

  15. FMA

    I know a guy who once wrote a poem about his wife’s vagina.

    That was less embarrassing than this whole Sanford business.

  16. InsidiousTuna

    That Politico “Shenanigans” blog put together a Gov. Sanford playlist the other day. Some of it was kind of weak, but placing the song “OPP” on the list is truly inspired.

  17. Come here a minute

    I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
    I keep my eyes wide open all the time
    I tried to ditch my bodyguards because they bind
    My Argentine, I crossed the line

  18. finallyhappy

    [re=353103]chascates[/re]: The commenter is from Missouri and is a member of the conservatism and fundamentalism communities(I didn’t kow they existed on Amazon)

  19. hobospacejunkie

    Mark S: Cubby I need to see her.
    Cubby: As your spiritual adviser/enabler, no.
    Mark S: But she’s my soul mate.
    Cubby: And you’re married to Jenny.
    Mark S: Ugh. Don’t remind me.
    Cubby: As your spiritual adviser it’s my duty to remind you.
    Mark S: OK, how ’bout I bang her while you fap in the closet?
    Cubby: I’ve been in the closet long enough.
    Mark S: What?
    Cubby: Closet sounds great. Let’s get this dog & pony show on the road.

  20. as.the.world.burns

    i actually know a couple who are going through a divorce right now. the husband cheated, and has been exhibiting all of this totally out-of-character, bizarre behavior…he didn’t have the balls to officially end the marriage, so that was his way of making the wife do it for him. then everything is justified in his mind, as far as he’s concerned. sanford’s doing the same thing. it’s not a train wreck, it’s a very calculated move.
    [re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: best book review, ever.

  21. IceCreamEmpress

    sanford’s doing the same thing. it’s not a train wreck, it’s a very calculated move.

    Way to go, making the moneybags/brains-of-the-outfit wife dump you by making an astonishing ass of yourself on international TV.

    I’m sure when he’s working at the Jumbo on Bullrich, he’ll take a moment out from refacing the dulce de leche jars to remind himself what a brilliant idea this all was.

  22. Mark Sanford

    [re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: Everything about that book is hilarious, from the cover photo, to the publisher (United States Term Limits Foundation?), to the fact that Robert Novak wrote the preface.

  23. spalding

    Lov gov, is good, Palmetto playboy OK, I like Love Gaucho, leaves room for bolos jokes.

    What a loser he has incinerated his life for what a soul mate who was defending her “friend” who was in BA for the Rolex Yacht Racing circuit, as not the email source.
    I think that lovely lady has several friends and Sanford is like some sad lovesick schoolboy…

  24. FMA

    [re=353120]Dolmance[/re]: My wife is of Mexican descent and she is the sweetest, most decent, patient, beautiful woman on the face the of the earth.

    OK, honey, will you put the knife down now?

  25. as.the.world.burns

    [re=353160]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: well, ok…it IS a train wreck…but it’s ON PURPOSE.

  26. liberaltruthsayer

    I am kinda surprised also that “Hiking in Appalachia” and “I Envy Your Salad” didn’t make the cut.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    “he says that for all the grief his affair has caused, that if the affair means he can never run for president (think the ship’s sort of sailed on that one), that it will have been worth it.”

    No, soon-to-be-ex-governor Sanford, it’s not that affair that will keep you from running for president — it’s the behaving like an irresponsible, erratic, horny adolescent and leaving the country unannounced for a week that will do it.

  28. liberaltruthsayer

    Excellent IM conversation on the topic…

    me: Message to Sanford…Your wife will never ever again fuck you.

    OK: ever

    me: Never

    Not once

    OK: if he can even find his equipment

    me: or even the fleshy patch where it used to be

    OK: he has an “innie” now

    me: a vajay

  29. nappyduggs

    [re=353108]finallyhappy[/re]: Sally forth and be larcenous and snarky, fellow Wonketteer.

  30. G. Friday

    Will the “Sanford Line” become sexy lingo, with its own Urban Dictionary entry and everything?

  31. dedalus

    Marky Mark also covers Blondie on the requisite “hidden” track.
    I told him Way Too Obvious but he cried so I let him.

    Apologetically, The Producer

    Maria
    You’ve gotta see her
    Go insane and out of your mind
    Latina
    Ave Maria
    A million and one candlelights

    I’ve seen this thing before
    In my best friends and the boy next door
    Fool for love and full of fire
    Won’t come in from the rain
    She’s oceans running down the drain
    Blue as ice and desire
    Don’t you wanna make her?
    Oooh don’t you wanna take her home?

  32. Decker

    Bill Clinton’s guest sax solo on “Sparkin’!” beats anything Kenny G has ever done. Thank you, Governor Sanford, for teaching us about love.

  33. Mike Steele

    Maria has just written a song to commemorate their most recent 5 day tearful tryst:

    “Don’t Cry For Me On My Vagina”

    or maybe

    “(Muff)Divin’ & Cryin”

  34. Hooray For Anything

    [re=353110]4tehlulz[/re]: I love his “With or Without You,” especially like his music video where he dresses like Bono and wears a leather suit vest over his bare chest.

  35. Hooray For Anything

    At this point, Sanford’s like that friend who breaks it off with his girlfriend and then proceeds to spend hours upon hours whining about how stupid he was that he did it and asks you over and over again if he should try to get back with her. You know, the one whom you stop calling because they’ve ceased to be any sort of fun and don’t want to hang out with them anymore.

  36. S.Luggo

    Imma find me
    A woman that’s real
    Imma find me
    A woman that’s strong
    Imma find me
    A woman that’s oh so true
    I got a pedestal to put her on

    I found me a Girl
    She’s sweet as could be
    An everythin’ in her world
    Revolved all around me

    I had a chance to make her mine
    But I was to blind to see
    And now I got to let her go
    An pray she comes back to me

    -She’s my angel she’s my lover
    -She’s my very best friend
    -I hate her cause I love her
    -So I hurt her again
    -Don’t want no other lover
    -Won’t go through it again
    -She’s my Angel She’s my lover
    -She’s my very best friend

  37. DollarStorePregnancyTest

    [re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand”

    goddammit…

  38. Tra

    I love how the sheer insanity of this entire thing has, at this point, driven even the normally even-keeled Talking Points Memo over the edge. Talking Points Memo is currently playing the role of the friend who yells, “Go to her!” during the character’s rain-drenched crisis-of-conscience scene in the movie. I never thought I’d see a TPM romantic side that didn’t involve Al Franken — it’s kind of cute.

  39. PlanetWingnuta

    I’m just loving all the Tags the book has gotten on Amazon lol

    hypocrisy (12)
    adultery (10)
    republicans (9)
    moron (8)
    king david (6)
    fundamentalism (4)
    fool (3)
    christian fiction (2)
    christianity (2)
    hypocrite (2)
    moran (2)
    compassionate conservative (1)
    crapemailer (1)
    crapemailfromad ude (1)
    d bag (1)
    do as i say (1)
    dolt (1)
    don t cry for me argentina (1)
    gay (1)
    hard core (1)
    hiking the appalachian trail (1)
    homoerotic (1)
    homophobic (1)
    loofah (1)
    not as i do (1)
    nut case (1)
    phenomenology (1)
    politics (1)
    sanford (1)
    scandals (1)
    sparky (1)
    swine (1)

  40. PlanetWingnuta

    by the way Wonkettes i did some looking on John Ensign…this is from his twitter account and i had to laugh my ___ off

    It was great to get back to some of my roots as a veterinarian — even had a calf suck on my finger.
    12:19 PM Jun 1st from web
    http://www.twitter.com/JohnEnsign

    Make your own jokes…i know i did ROFL

  41. proudgrampa

    I just back from Amazon. That is the greatest bunch of reviews I’ve ever seen. LMAO.

    You are all wasting your time in whatever careers you have – you should all be comedy writers!

  42. Jukesgrrl

    [re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: Your review is brilliant. Without a doubt, truer than the book. Also funny: scroll down to see “Customers who bought this book also bought.” Why am I not surprised to see that Sanford fans also purchased Atlas Shrugged, Buckley’s God and Man at Yale, and The Forgotten Man, the book that argues FDR prolonged the Great Depression. When you drink the Kool-Aid …

Comments are closed.