SEX ADVICE COLUMNS  10:25 am July 2, 2009

by Sara K. Smith

Including the legendary 'That Sparkin' Thing'THE SAD ROMANTICAL BALLAD OF MARK SANFORD: “Of course, when you’re a middle-aged man facing the collapse of your life’s work and abandoning hope of being with the woman you call your ‘ soul mate’ rational decision making or a clearly considered plan may be too much to expect.” Illustration by our pal Lauri. [TPM]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Hawaiiexpat July 2, 2009 at 10:29 am

I know I’ll be in the minority, but let me now defend Fabio Sanford for a second.

Everyone knows that Latinas are the new Asian girls – the exotics that you dream about but don’t mention in public company. No man on this board can deny that he’s dreamed about going all Appalachian Trail with Jessica Alba.

Leave Sanford alone!

:booking own trip to Argentina:

Cicada July 2, 2009 at 10:32 am

I highly recommend following that link to Lauri’s site. She has a series on Spitzer that made me chuckle.

Also, possibly the best portrait of John Ensign ever.

IceCreamEmpress July 2, 2009 at 10:36 am

I swear to God, unless that man shuts up, I will never have sex again, because listening to him just makes me and the husband want to do ANYTHING but touch each other’s bits.

nappyduggs July 2, 2009 at 10:36 am

More on the fairy tale of the romantic prisoner “Chumpelstiltskin.” This dickcheese is such a quivering swamp rat. And a pillow princess, I’d bet. Also.

chascates July 2, 2009 at 10:36 am

Didn’t Bruce Dern make a crappy movie about this?

Serolf Divad July 2, 2009 at 10:36 am

Guys… why are there only two reviews of Mark Sanford’s book on Amazon? One of them by yours truly.

Surely Wonketters can correct this injustice by adding a few reviws of your own.

Cape Clod July 2, 2009 at 10:37 am

So much magical crap has been falling out of Sanford’s mouth in the last week that it is only fitting that it be set to music.

joezoo July 2, 2009 at 10:37 am

What, “Doing Something Exotic” didn’t make the tracklist?

AliBabaInBA July 2, 2009 at 10:37 am

[re=353084]Hawaiiexpat[/re]: Already here (BA=Buenos Aires).
My advice: Get fit, if you aren’t, or prepare to be wrecked.

As far as defending “Fabio” (?!), where’s the fun in that?

wx insider July 2, 2009 at 10:40 am

[re=353084]Hawaiiexpat[/re]: I agree 100%. Hell, I have a J.Lo poster on my bathroom wall!!

chascates July 2, 2009 at 10:41 am

[re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: And your review has a nice comment by a probable South Carolinian. Or just a normal idiot.

Hawaiiexpat July 2, 2009 at 10:41 am

[re=353098]AliBabaInBA[/re]: I’m not fit, so instead of being wrecked, I’ll just sit on the bark-o-lounger and heckle Bill Kristol and Glenn Beck when their big, ugly heads appear on the teevee.

Thanks for the advice/warning.

chascates July 2, 2009 at 10:41 am

[re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: Wait. Which one was yours? Need more coffee.

ManchuCandidate July 2, 2009 at 10:42 am

Mark should consider covering the following songs:

Tainted Love
Don’t Cry for Me Argentina
Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

hobospacejunkie July 2, 2009 at 10:43 am

So you’re saying Sanford serenaded Chica Chapur every morning with a stirring, a cappella version of Classical Gas? Because I’d believe anything about the Palmetto Peen at this point.

Hi Lauri!

finallyhappy July 2, 2009 at 10:43 am

[re=353092]nappyduggs[/re]: I love your comment- May I steal a bit of it when I post elsewhere? “This dickcheese is such a quivering swamp rat” Surely, Pride and Prejudice would have been improved had Jane Austen said this of Wickham.

4tehlulz July 2, 2009 at 10:44 am

Gov. Sanford’s cover of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” was heartwrenching. I wanted to cut myself in his honor.

norbizness July 2, 2009 at 10:44 am

Looks like somebody hijacked Wes Anderson’s coloring-book artist’s brain.

Monsieur Grumpe July 2, 2009 at 10:47 am


Also featuring:

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

Her Only Bad Habit Is Me

How Can I Get Over You if You Won’t Get Out from Under Me?

How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?

If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!

I’ve Got the Cob, If You’ve Got the Corn

You Done Me Wrong, But at Least You Done Me!

And Also!

800 Pound Jesus

Serolf Divad July 2, 2009 at 10:49 am


Actually my review is the other one.

Dolmance July 2, 2009 at 10:50 am

Hawaiiexpat, what are you thinking?!

Listen, I’ve lived 12 years in Mexico. I’ve had a lot of experience over here and I can say without doubt that anyone who thinks they can run some kind of game on Latin women is crazy. They will love you when everyone hates you and hate you when everyone loves you – and you can be the king of the world and they will walk out on you in a heartbeat if they think for one moment that you’re running a game.

If Mark Sanford had done to a Latin woman what he did to his wife, he very well could have woken up one morning like John Bobbit.

Aside from that, there’s something about gringos that many Latin women find repulsive. And you have to overcome it with a great and mighty heart – and then you can be the ugliest man on earth and it won’t matter.

FMA July 2, 2009 at 10:50 am

I know a guy who once wrote a poem about his wife’s vagina.

That was less embarrassing than this whole Sanford business.

chascates July 2, 2009 at 10:52 am

[re=353118]Serolf Divad[/re]: And much better, Wonkettely speaking.

InsidiousTuna July 2, 2009 at 10:54 am

That Politico “Shenanigans” blog put together a Gov. Sanford playlist the other day. Some of it was kind of weak, but placing the song “OPP” on the list is truly inspired.

Come here a minute July 2, 2009 at 10:55 am

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I tried to ditch my bodyguards because they bind
My Argentine, I crossed the line

finallyhappy July 2, 2009 at 11:00 am

[re=353103]chascates[/re]: The commenter is from Missouri and is a member of the conservatism and fundamentalism communities(I didn’t kow they existed on Amazon)

pondscum July 2, 2009 at 11:06 am

Lauri’s portrait of Spitzer at 6 months is priceless.

hobospacejunkie July 2, 2009 at 11:12 am

Mark S: Cubby I need to see her.
Cubby: As your spiritual adviser/enabler, no.
Mark S: But she’s my soul mate.
Cubby: And you’re married to Jenny.
Mark S: Ugh. Don’t remind me.
Cubby: As your spiritual adviser it’s my duty to remind you.
Mark S: OK, how ’bout I bang her while you fap in the closet?
Cubby: I’ve been in the closet long enough.
Mark S: What?
Cubby: Closet sounds great. Let’s get this dog & pony show on the road. July 2, 2009 at 11:16 am

i actually know a couple who are going through a divorce right now. the husband cheated, and has been exhibiting all of this totally out-of-character, bizarre behavior…he didn’t have the balls to officially end the marriage, so that was his way of making the wife do it for him. then everything is justified in his mind, as far as he’s concerned. sanford’s doing the same thing. it’s not a train wreck, it’s a very calculated move.
[re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: best book review, ever.

HairyIckey July 2, 2009 at 11:19 am

How did “The Sparkin’ Thing” possibly not make this album?!?

IceCreamEmpress July 2, 2009 at 11:22 am

sanford’s doing the same thing. it’s not a train wreck, it’s a very calculated move.

Way to go, making the moneybags/brains-of-the-outfit wife dump you by making an astonishing ass of yourself on international TV.

I’m sure when he’s working at the Jumbo on Bullrich, he’ll take a moment out from refacing the dulce de leche jars to remind himself what a brilliant idea this all was.

Mark Sanford July 2, 2009 at 11:22 am

[re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: Everything about that book is hilarious, from the cover photo, to the publisher (United States Term Limits Foundation?), to the fact that Robert Novak wrote the preface.

spalding July 2, 2009 at 11:24 am

Lov gov, is good, Palmetto playboy OK, I like Love Gaucho, leaves room for bolos jokes.

What a loser he has incinerated his life for what a soul mate who was defending her “friend” who was in BA for the Rolex Yacht Racing circuit, as not the email source.
I think that lovely lady has several friends and Sanford is like some sad lovesick schoolboy…

FMA July 2, 2009 at 11:26 am

[re=353120]Dolmance[/re]: My wife is of Mexican descent and she is the sweetest, most decent, patient, beautiful woman on the face the of the earth.

OK, honey, will you put the knife down now? July 2, 2009 at 11:27 am

[re=353160]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: well, ok…it IS a train wreck…but it’s ON PURPOSE.

liberaltruthsayer July 2, 2009 at 11:40 am

I am kinda surprised also that “Hiking in Appalachia” and “I Envy Your Salad” didn’t make the cut.

SayItWithWookies July 2, 2009 at 11:40 am

“he says that for all the grief his affair has caused, that if the affair means he can never run for president (think the ship’s sort of sailed on that one), that it will have been worth it.”

No, soon-to-be-ex-governor Sanford, it’s not that affair that will keep you from running for president — it’s the behaving like an irresponsible, erratic, horny adolescent and leaving the country unannounced for a week that will do it.

FunknDork July 2, 2009 at 11:42 am

And the new hit single, “Don’t vie for me Argentina.”

liberaltruthsayer July 2, 2009 at 11:49 am

Excellent IM conversation on the topic…

me: Message to Sanford…Your wife will never ever again fuck you.

OK: ever

me: Never

Not once

OK: if he can even find his equipment

me: or even the fleshy patch where it used to be

OK: he has an “innie” now

me: a vajay

nappyduggs July 2, 2009 at 11:55 am

[re=353108]finallyhappy[/re]: Sally forth and be larcenous and snarky, fellow Wonketteer.

Come here a minute July 2, 2009 at 12:03 pm

“Curves and Tan Lines”
“Put the Genius Back in the Bottle”

Extemporanus July 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm

[re=353120]Dolmance[/re]: That was seriously fucking stirring.

G. Friday July 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Will the “Sanford Line” become sexy lingo, with its own Urban Dictionary entry and everything?

liquiddaddy July 2, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Having six fingers on his left hand must help with the shreading.

dedalus July 2, 2009 at 12:20 pm

Marky Mark also covers Blondie on the requisite “hidden” track.
I told him Way Too Obvious but he cried so I let him.

Apologetically, The Producer

You’ve gotta see her
Go insane and out of your mind
Ave Maria
A million and one candlelights

I’ve seen this thing before
In my best friends and the boy next door
Fool for love and full of fire
Won’t come in from the rain
She’s oceans running down the drain
Blue as ice and desire
Don’t you wanna make her?
Oooh don’t you wanna take her home?

Decker July 2, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Bill Clinton’s guest sax solo on “Sparkin’!” beats anything Kenny G has ever done. Thank you, Governor Sanford, for teaching us about love.

Mike Steele July 2, 2009 at 1:03 pm

Maria has just written a song to commemorate their most recent 5 day tearful tryst:

“Don’t Cry For Me On My Vagina”

or maybe

“(Muff)Divin’ & Cryin”

Hooray For Anything July 2, 2009 at 1:09 pm

[re=353110]4tehlulz[/re]: I love his “With or Without You,” especially like his music video where he dresses like Bono and wears a leather suit vest over his bare chest.

Hooray For Anything July 2, 2009 at 1:14 pm

At this point, Sanford’s like that friend who breaks it off with his girlfriend and then proceeds to spend hours upon hours whining about how stupid he was that he did it and asks you over and over again if he should try to get back with her. You know, the one whom you stop calling because they’ve ceased to be any sort of fun and don’t want to hang out with them anymore.

S.Luggo July 2, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Imma find me
A woman that’s real
Imma find me
A woman that’s strong
Imma find me
A woman that’s oh so true
I got a pedestal to put her on

I found me a Girl
She’s sweet as could be
An everythin’ in her world
Revolved all around me

I had a chance to make her mine
But I was to blind to see
And now I got to let her go
An pray she comes back to me

-She’s my angel she’s my lover
-She’s my very best friend
-I hate her cause I love her
-So I hurt her again
-Don’t want no other lover
-Won’t go through it again
-She’s my Angel She’s my lover
-She’s my very best friend

DollarStorePregnancyTest July 2, 2009 at 2:07 pm

[re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand”


The Lauri Appleperson July 2, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=353157]HairyIckey[/re]: Stay tuned.

Hi everyone!!!

Tra July 2, 2009 at 3:35 pm

I love how the sheer insanity of this entire thing has, at this point, driven even the normally even-keeled Talking Points Memo over the edge. Talking Points Memo is currently playing the role of the friend who yells, “Go to her!” during the character’s rain-drenched crisis-of-conscience scene in the movie. I never thought I’d see a TPM romantic side that didn’t involve Al Franken — it’s kind of cute.

PlanetWingnuta July 2, 2009 at 4:50 pm

I’m just loving all the Tags the book has gotten on Amazon lol

hypocrisy (12)
adultery (10)
republicans (9)
moron (8)
king david (6)
fundamentalism (4)
fool (3)
christian fiction (2)
christianity (2)
hypocrite (2)
moran (2)
compassionate conservative (1)
crapemailer (1)
crapemailfromad ude (1)
d bag (1)
do as i say (1)
dolt (1)
don t cry for me argentina (1)
gay (1)
hard core (1)
hiking the appalachian trail (1)
homoerotic (1)
homophobic (1)
loofah (1)
not as i do (1)
nut case (1)
phenomenology (1)
politics (1)
sanford (1)
scandals (1)
sparky (1)
swine (1)

PlanetWingnuta July 2, 2009 at 4:56 pm

by the way Wonkettes i did some looking on John Ensign…this is from his twitter account and i had to laugh my ___ off

It was great to get back to some of my roots as a veterinarian — even had a calf suck on my finger.
12:19 PM Jun 1st from web

Make your own jokes…i know i did ROFL

proudgrampa July 2, 2009 at 5:17 pm

I just back from Amazon. That is the greatest bunch of reviews I’ve ever seen. LMAO.

You are all wasting your time in whatever careers you have – you should all be comedy writers!

Suds McKenzie July 2, 2009 at 6:42 pm

[re=353084]Hawaiiexpat[/re]: but Jessica Alba claims to not be Latina; does “douchebag” work for woman too?

Jukesgrrl July 2, 2009 at 10:57 pm

[re=353094]Serolf Divad[/re]: Your review is brilliant. Without a doubt, truer than the book. Also funny: scroll down to see “Customers who bought this book also bought.” Why am I not surprised to see that Sanford fans also purchased Atlas Shrugged, Buckley’s God and Man at Yale, and The Forgotten Man, the book that argues FDR prolonged the Great Depression. When you drink the Kool-Aid …

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