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It's called a 'panniculus.'Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation’s crushed economy. Turns out you don’t need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let’s all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher.

Now, you are probably saying to yourself, “Duh, this is the same story every year, because Americans are just gargantuan, repulsive blobs.”

While the last part of your statement is medically correct, the first part is COMPLETELY WRONG. Last year, “only” 37 states got more obese, while the fat rate was steady in the other 13 states.

Once again, the relatively healthy folk of Colorado have the nation’s lowest rate of obesity, with “only” 18.9% of its residents meeting the medical definition of Obesity — the rate was 16.9% just three years ago and was probably 1% in the 1930s, the last time we had a Depression.

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  • Godless Liberal

    Alabama’s state motto isn’t “Thank God for Mississippi” for nothing.

  • Bearbloke

    Reading all that made me hungry – LET’S EAT!!

  • user-of-owls

    Those cookie-dough turd tubes don’t just eat themselves, Ken.

  • american mutt

    Now I got a Weird Al parody song in my head.

  • HoboNutz

    this makes me want to cry tears of bacon grease… MMmmmm bacon grease

  • Servo

    KFC double-drumstick round of applause
    Like KFC, that one will stick with me for a long, LONG time.

  • Cicada

    I’m so proud *sniff*. Let’s celebrate with a ladle full of gravy and some deep-fried bacon fat.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=352487]Godless Liberal[/re]:

    Dear Alabama,

    Stop bitin’ our style. That’s OUR state motto.

    Obesely,
    Arkansas

  • rmontcal

    I think I saw this guy on the Metro this morning.

  • Noodle Salad

    Well those states do have family-sized values.

  • isadelia

    Maybe everyone in the country just needs to put that guy’s picture on their refrigerators. That is my plan, just looking at it makes me want to regurgitate my lunch, so I can’t imagine being able to eat after looking at it.

  • Dreadful Gate

    Can I take him home? I’ll call him assknees

  • Vulpes82

    Alt text: Educational!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    They can have my KFC Famous Bowl and Baconaise when they pry it out of my cold dead fingers after I have my heart attack.

  • Servo

    Put the fork down and go thru-hike the AT, fat fucks!

  • SmutBoffin
  • Matt Tice

    Does this mean if the Confederacy won, EVERYONE WOULD BE OBESE?!?!?!

  • El Pinche

    red states = fat states?
    And my state of Texas is not in the top five? I gain five pounds just driving to San Antonio.

  • Lorax

    Is the dude in the pic literally hauling his own gut in a wheelbarrow? Wow. I’m trying to imagine the physics involved in walking while pushing a garden implement filled with…me?

    Maybe I’m making this more complicated than it needs to be.

    At any rate, I’m naming my first-born “Panniculus”. Also.

  • bureaucrap

    We could even change our national anthem to (after Stephen Colbert) “The Baconaise”.

  • magic titty

    How can we blame this on Obama?

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Looks like a grade 5 panniculus.

  • Beef Supreme

    Congratulations Missississississississississippi!

    Pizza Burgers for everyone!

  • El Pinche

    This wouldn’t be so bad if fatty conservatives would be as passionate about stopping obesity as they are stopping homos.

    On the pic, is that wheelbarrow needed because he needs to take shit? There isn’t a man-made toilet in Home Depot or Lowes big enough for that guy.

  • edgydrifter

    So, the generic-brand processed cheese slices and clearance-bin hot dog (hot dogs expire? who knew!?!) I ate for breakfast were really a display of solidarity with my fellow Amorbidlyobeseicans on this, our anniversary of Freedom. Mmm… freedom fries.

  • Failed 2 Menace

    This story is nothing but media-inspired self-loathing.

    Of course there is obesity in US America. Every country has it.

    I daresay Zimbabwe, Mozambique and Malawi all have similar obesity percentages.

    You ever see the bellies on those kids?!?

  • SayItWithWookies

    The report is titled “How Obesity Policies are Failing in America” — maybe this is because most obesity policies consist of a fat guy behind a microphone yelling that there’s no way in hell the government is going to force him to do jumping jacks.

  • PrairiePossum

    The wheel barrow is the “to go” container when you order the corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. You crawl into the container and eat your way out of the goo.

  • TGY

    [re=352508]Matt Tice[/re]: No, the slaves would be quite thin.

  • bureaucrap

    All Hail Panniculus Adiposus, Rex Americaea!

  • hobospacejunkie

    WHEN YOU ARE MEDICALLY OBESE EVERYTHING IS FOOD.

    I AM NOT FOOD!

  • Extemporanus

    Ken, does Peter Panniculus prefer to eat at Wendy’s or Long John Silver’s?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Food, food, glorious food. Its wonderlicious Wednesday at McDonald’s.
    So don’t be telling me I shouldn’t be eatin those 3 burgers, supersize fries and 64 oz cola, all for $1.99. There’s a recession over here, Ken.

  • user-of-owls

    Though God knows they’ve suffered enough, I’ve often wondered what it would be like to airlift an Ethiopian or Somali refugee into a Wal-Mart Supercenter here in the South on any given Saturday. The horrors of civil war would pale in comparison to what they’d see there.

  • gjdodger

    [re=352498]user-of-owls[/re]: As Marion Berry (the pharmacist-turned-congressman, not Da Mayah) is fond of saying, “We’re 49th in ever’thing. ‘Cept for when we’re 50th.”

  • freakishlystrong

    How in the world is Panniculus going to teabag on Saturday?

  • gjdodger

    [re=352508]Matt Tice[/re]: Not the…er…field workers. But they only count 3/5ths.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=352522]bureaucrap[/re]: I swear your post wasn’t there when I hit submit. But now that I see it, I shall submit again…to Panniculus!

  • user-of-owls

    A Public Service Announcement:

    Do not, I repeat, DO NOT Google Image search for panniculus. It’s too late for me, but maybe I can save you.

  • paintitblack

    Ken, you just loves you some Panniculus, doncha?

  • The Other Sarah T

    Guess the South really won’t rise again, at least not without the help of a few paramedics…

  • Manos: Hands of Fate

    It’s the fat asses in red states that run up our health care costs while the same states send jerk offs to Congress to stop anyone from doing anything about it.

  • rmontcal

    Alt text: Rush Limbaugh

  • iantenna

    well, duh. it’s like phil gramm said all those years ago. a genius and, dare i say, prophet, that one.

  • Witsendnj

    Don’t just blame gluttony. There’s industrial agriculture (CORN, not ACORN!) and endocrine disruptors http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/28/opinion/28kristof.html?_r=1

  • Crazybroad

    Yay, Michigan is 9th fattest!! Clearly, we’re emotional eaters. “I’m eatin’ my pain away …”

  • TGY

    Schadenfreude. Kiss my 160-pound-5’11” ass. Well, not that my ass is 5’11”. Or 160 pounds. Never mind.

  • Bronkers

    One of our poster boy’s boobs is wider than a lot of people’s derrieres, it appears. At least (fortunately) those of a goodly number of the folks with whom I consort. Not that I’m into ass-measuring…..

    Having traveled to a number of countries in which one is almost hard-pressed to find a hefty local, what with poverty, transportation via shanks’ mare, and a dearth of junk food around, I can only marvel at America the Adipose. And desspair, also.

  • dijetlo

    That boy aint fat, he’s just got “drop belly”. Plunge his bung hole a little, it’ll tighten back up.
    Red neck problems need red neck solutions.

  • A Better American Than YOU

    Thank you Burger King (Miami), KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell (Louisville), McDonalds (Oak Brook, Illinois), and Coca-Cola (Atlanta). We in Alabama salute you!

    In some black counties in West Alabama, since there are no “real” grocery stores, there are ZERO opportunities to buy fresh vegetables during most of the year.

    Also, the most recent figures show that more than half of all African-American are obese.

    I’ve worked with Alabama high school kids who had never seen a blueberry, fresh pineapple, or broccoli. Now THAT is America.

  • TGY

    [re=352536]The Other Sarah T[/re]: Yes, but they carry a lot of the weight in the Union, now.

  • Native of SL UT

    [re=352533]user-of-owls[/re]: So of course I promptly ignored your warning. That’s not so bad. Deep fried would be best, but you could also saute it in lard or bacon fat.

  • Crazybroad

    [re=352552]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Same here in Detroit. It’s pretty terrifying, actually — more McDonald’s per capita than anywhere in the U.S., and barely any grocery stores in the city limits with edible anything. Diabetes rates here are ridiculous. Go three blocks to the white ‘burbs and you’ve got healthy food galore and no fast food. Happily, urban farming is really taking off here …

  • Cicada

    [re=352546]TGY[/re]: Nobody likes a skinny gloater. Don’t make me come sit on you.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=352563]Native of SL UT[/re]: Don’t give the folks who work up the menus at County Fairs across the land any ideas. The logical apex of their ever escalating War on Health is ‘Fat-Fried Fat.’ *shiver*

  • sezme

    I wash myself with a rag on a stick!

  • ShamWow

    [re=352511]bureaucrap[/re]: There is a jar of Baconnaise Lite in the fridge here at work. The sad part is the amount of product goes down each week so obv someone is actually opening the jar, slithering out a finger full, and plopping into their bodies. I don’t know who it is yet so until then I assume it is everyone in the office. God I hate my job.

  • sezme

    Oh, and 44.4% of Mississippi children are overweight or obese. In a time of true crisis, Mississippi could feed the whole nation.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    one of those people could have kept the Andes soccer players in good eatin’ for years.

  • bitchincamaro

    If butt cancer hasn’t replaced heart disease as US of A’s #1 killer, I’ll eat my hat.

  • nappyduggs

    Today, we are all Pan-normous.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=352528]gjdodger[/re]: Alas, we Natural Staters only managed a 10th place tie with Ohio in the adult rankings, but we did very well in the “Enormous Fat Fuck Children” Division, with a respectable 2nd place finish. Perennial powerhouse Mississippi was, of course, the winner.

    On a side note, could someone please explain to me how the (fat) governor of a state that consistently wins, hands down, every single category in the “So, You Want To Be America’s Third World” competition can be spoken of as a legitimate presidential contender with a straight face?

  • Baconbits

    [re=352498]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=352487]Godless Liberal[/re]: But only New Mexico introduced legislation to make it official.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=352538]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Nuh-uh. Rush says it’s the healthy people who make health care so costly. Cuz they’s always going to the doc for a wrist sprain or a knee surgery or some shit from exercising while the regular fat folks just sit at home, never going to the doctor cuz they’s just ticking right along, no problems. He also said Hopey is going for a third term in 2016 so he’s totally on the up & up.

  • TGY

    [re=352568]Cicada[/re]: Come here and I shall generously share my dried soybeans with you! Heavens, they’re tasty and expeditious. Sadly, they require a bit of Beano.

  • SmutBoffin

    We have a saying around these parts, for use specifically when a thin-stater blanches at our naked torso:

    “I’m thin for Wisconsin!”

  • A Better American Than YOU

    [re=352564]Crazybroad[/re]: Yeah, I just read that there is not one chain grocery store in the city of Detroit. But the telling fact was that there is no longer a Starbucks there.

  • Combover

    Chocolate truck nuts for all!!!

  • prizepig

    The South will rise again… just not on a see-saw.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=352590]user-of-owls[/re]: Hey man, we should be supportin’ good ol’ Haley “boo hoo my beach front home got dee-stroyed” Barbour in his quest for the republican presidential nomination. Hopey wouldn’t have take any time off work to prepare for campaigning. Imagine a debate. No matter the question asked of either candidate, Hopey need merely repeat “yeah, but your state is a fucking shithole and all your peoples is diabetic or dyin’.” Barbour would get fucking creamed by the worst Democratic opposition, never mind Obama. What possible record could he run on? “We are slightly less completely fucked and hopeless than we were when I took office. Elect me president.”

  • smartypants

    [re=352552]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Hey, I’m feelin’ ya down here in bammy–good times, what with Sessions, Shelby and the FABULOUS Riley family. No juicy sex scandals though–everybody’s apparently too bloated to ‘hike the trail’.

  • Joshua Norton

    Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™.

    Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I eat while looking for cool stuff on EBay and cussing out out FReeptards on my computer in front of my TV.

  • Zorg

    WWCAD? (What Would Captain Ahab Do)…

  • Terry

    [re=352573]sezme[/re]:

    There’s historical precedence for it:

    http://www.uoregon.edu/~rbear/modest.html

  • user-of-owls

    [re=352614]prizepig[/re]: jejejeje

  • Atheist Nun

    Time to set up my Comfort Wipe™® franchise!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM

  • badgerworks

    Anyone have a good panniculus haggis recipe?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=352499]rmontcal[/re]: I saw his twin sister.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=352616]hobospacejunkie[/re]: If I believed that logic and American voting patterns were even dimly related, I would agree. Ponder this, though: not only was he elected in the very state where “Wretched of the Earth” seems to be a policy directive…HE WAS FUCKING RE-ELECTED. They should stop calling it Stockholm Syndrome and start calling it Mississippi Syndrome.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=352548]Bronkers[/re]: I think I actually could fit in his stomach flesh in that photo.

    Oh, god, that is a vile, vile image. Brainwash.

  • Servo

    The real world dies from starvation and we die from gluttony, and the Repubs still wonder why everybody hates us.

  • superfecta

    Huh. Pennsylvania’s only 22nd on the list. When we moved to Philly from NYC, we instantly became the thinnest people around. Clearly I should try this trick with, say, Mobile – that would be pretty cool except for the ‘living in Mobile’ part.

  • Oldskool

    I bet food makers have switch to a new kind of self-rising flour. I believe it affects my naughty bits in the morning.

  • NebraskashireGentry

    [re=352496]Servo[/re]: my experience with meals from KFC (and the attached Taco Bell) is that they don’t stick with you at all…yeah, we’ll leave it at that.

  • Not_So_Much

    [re=352546]TGY[/re]: You’re messing up the average. Grab a McGriddle and get with the program!

  • proudgrampa

    [re=352573]sezme[/re]: Ah. The Jonathan Swift solution.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Dear Mississippi:

    How in the fuck can y’all be the fattest state again this year? I mean, we totally pwned you with our deep-fried Snicker bars and nutter-butter-crusted deep-fried Twinkies on a stick, not to mention the “Elvis Special” (peanut butter, mayo, and banana sandwich on white bread, delicately sauted in a skillet full of butter). #1 in obesity, seriously? SERIOUSLY?

    No love,

    Tennessee

  • liquiddaddy

    Thought for the day: the medical term for saggy abdominal fat like that gentleman’s is an “apron.”

  • A Better American Than YOU

    You forget [re=352680]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: that Elvis was a Missippi boy — and that His banana sandwich also contained bacon.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=352704]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Originally, yes. But Miss Alvena Roy at Graceland invented the PBM&B fat-o-rama to suit his midnight cravings.

  • A Better American Than YOU

    [re=352721]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Well, if Miss Alvena was a good Christian woman, she would have been in bed long before midnight, but if that’s what The King wanted….

  • LordPretzel

    Ha, tourism ad for Colorado underneath this article. “Come to our state, most of us aren’t fatasses?”

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=352702]liquiddaddy[/re]: It’s important to wear an apron when deep frying anything or cooking entire slabs of bacon for a midnight snack.

  • proudgrampa

    Panniculus, panniculi!
    Panniculus, panniculi!
    Fat is everywhere!
    Panniculus, panniculi!

    (to the tune of Finiculi, Fanicula)

  • Mike Steele

    Urination? Is it just absorbed by the underside of his “pooch”?

  • FamilyLost

    Duh…We can improve the stats if we change the definition of “medically obese”. For example, “obese” is defined as BMI > 29.9. We just need to change 29.9 to 59.9 and everyone would be healthier!

  • blinky_twinkie

    Ok, how does Colorado have the lowest obesity rate for adults but only the 9th lowest for children?

  • MarSF

    Thank you, America’s Processed Food Producers and Factory Farms for destroying our country. Now that everyone is officially Obese, can we stop subsidizing the fucking corn farmers already?

  • MarSF

    [re=352753]FamilyLost[/re]: Sort of like Vanity Sizing at The Gap!

  • Min

    I’m eating Mexican tonight, so I may push Tennessee back into contention for #1.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    [re=352775]MarSF[/re]: The French don’t eat corn in any of its forms, including Corn Syrup. They think it’s for cows only. But what the hell do they know.

  • donner_froh

    [re=352533]user-of-owls[/re]: And if you do, be sure not to scroll down to the pictures of the operation on the 750 pound woman.

  • joecurly

    magic titty says at 2:34 pm, July 1st, 2009
    – ReplyHow can we blame this on Obama?
    cuz this guy was no sow 7 mo ago. see

  • Words

    [re=352573]sezme[/re]:

    Too late to post this I guess, but nice J. Swiftian response!!

    Also, we refer to the giant belly as per the man in pic as a “dunlop” —- his belly “done lapped” over.

    You guys Always pick on the South….

  • Paul Tardy

    BLS says CPI-JunkFood is -10%, while CPI-RealFood is +15%. At the same people all the thin Mexicans, walked back across the Rio Grande. I think that explains a lot.

  • Dolmance

    Two thirds are fat fucks and the rest are stuttering pricks.

    Except for the hard core lefties. They’re cool. Mostly.

  • 4sheets

    Learn how to do math, tards. One-third equals 33.33 percent, two-thirds equals 66.66 percent, et cetera.

  • as.the.world.burns

    My uncle had a beer gut that weighed 200 pounds
    He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
    They treat him like a king when he walks in to Woody’s bar
    His beer gut pays for lights and heat, and Woody’s brand-new car

    (Da Yoopers)

  • widget09

    Wow, thanks for the enlightenment Ken. If I heard the term panniculas I would have guessed it to mean, in the following order:
    1. A greek philosopher

    2. A roman emporer

    3. some sort of atmosperic condition (nimbus clouds, etc.)

    4. Some special plate at the international house of pancakes. (pancake + ridiculas)

    5. some sort of medical condition (that it is)

    If several of them congregate in one area are they called “panniculi”?

  • ivenson

    Read this in the Economist a li’l bit back (I think it was the “legalize it” issue)
    http://www.economist.com/displaystory.cfm?story_id=13235460

    ‘Consider the shoppers at the Save-A-Lot supermarket in Hamlin, West Virginia. At the beginning of the month, when the food stamps arrive, they snap up buckets of lard so big that the label says: “Warning—Children can fall into bucket and drown.”’

    WTF, you say? Well here’s your explanation: “The local cuisine dates back to the days when people burned off calories at work. But the coal mines these days use more machines and fewer people.”

    Translation: these backwards ijits have not figured out the law of cause and effect since the goddam industrial revolution.

    Incidentally, I found the link by googling “west virninia end of month bucket of lard”.

  • skeeter

    Its clearly a case of self respect, as you walk about the local food chain its sad to see full carts of the wrong items being pushed around by say a lady that has a over the belt gut like a “Sumo wrestler,” I suppose those in Colorado have some pride in themselves not to allow this to happen donno – and I don’t think we can blame this one on the Obama. So Americans please next time your at the chicken joint grab a 2nd bucket, just watch you don’t inhale a bone I’ll try to keep my hands away from the intake port in the front of your skull, careful we wouldn’t want you croak we’re counting on you to completely train wreck our health system in the upcoming years. And no! I’m not from the Co. state I just hate “Fat Slobs” they give America a bad worldly image. Bah!

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