New Study Proves It: Two-Thirds of Americans Officially Fat

Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation's crushed economy. Turns out you don't need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let's all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher.

Now, you are probably saying to yourself, "Duh, this is the same story every year, because Americans are just gargantuan, repulsive blobs." 

While the last part of your statement is medically correct, the first part is COMPLETELY WRONG. Last year, "only" 37 states got more obese, while the fat rate was steady in the other 13 states.

Once again, the relatively healthy folk of Colorado have the nation's lowest rate of obesity, with "only" 18.9% of its residents meeting the medical definition of Obesity -- the rate was 16.9% just three years ago and was probably 1% in the 1930s, the last time we had a Depression.