Wonkette
Hmm. So maybe there is one of those “God” things after all? When asked if he’d run for political office, unlicensed handyman and Constitutional originalist Joe Wurzelbacher said, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’” Joe will be in Austin on July 3 to celebrate the day our anti-Communist Founding Fathers signed the Book of Mormon, which explicitly forbids taxation. Everyone’s invited! [WND via Think Progress]
“like”?
Are you serious?? Joe the Plumber is going to by in MY town? On my day off?? Hmm……
They say God takes care of children and fools….
A one-woman band today, SKS?
Joe can’t run for office because he’s still trying to figure out why his TV shows nothing but snow.
So God talks like Michael Steele? Or did Joe get confused about who he was talking to?
Dear God:
Not to be critical, but please be more selective about who you include in your “Fave Fives.”
Amen and so forth.
Autochthon: That’s the Valley God.
Finally, God got one right. Suck it, Christopher Hitchens!
Autochthon: yes, god speaks to JTP in valley-girl because it is the closest he can come to talking in douchebaggery without going full douchebag.
God’s all like, Joe, duuuuuude, like don’t like run for office. And Joe’s all like, I totally know dude, like, them socialist communist muslin’s are like everywhere in my country.
imissopus: god is trying to atone for telling W to run, and we all know how brilliant that turned out
Does unlicensed only apply to handyman, or is he also an unlicensed Constitutional originalist?
Austin’s got enough problems transforming itself into a mini Los Angeles. We don’t need this donkey-raping shit eater clogging our toilets with his daily brain dump.
DiscoUkulele: Please go take photos. I beg of you. Not of Joe, but of the crowd.
I intend to bring them all up on treason charges once the Nazi Commie President has commenced marshall law
God’s actual quote was “One word, two letters. ‘No.’ Let’s go ahead and dispel that now.”
JTP campaigning for office would have been an endless fountain of comedy gold. Why does God hate comedy?
And he gets publicity even with his website being down for weeks: http://www.secureourdream.com
Probably the Hax0rs, but don’t ask me.
I just can’t wait until God tells him to put aluminum foil on his head, cover himself with feces, and go stand in the middle of the road.
rereridiculous: The Constitution does not talk about licenses for Constitutional originalist, and there for it would be no more legal to license one than it would be to take away his guns or make him get licensed to be a plumber or pay child support.
Bruno: “Marshall Law” would make a great screenname, if no one’s already taken it…
You see, God hates America!
Someone put this moron on lithium before he hurts himself or somebody useful to society.
People who talk to invisible beings shouldn’t be permitted to run for office anyway.
CrunchyKnee: Well, I guess god is on the side of socialist nazi communism afterall.
I thought all these religious types are supposed to change their ways when they get a message from God.
Come here a minute:
Win
God must’ve been feeling mighty mellow, methinks. I was expecting a full-on smote-fest.
I just asked God, “God, give me one good reason why Joe the Plumber shouldn’t be punched in the face repeatedly by one of those boxing kangaroos”.
All I got was stoney silence.
I see this as proof that God hates Wonkette.
I love Republicans who think they talk to god, and I love it even better when they think he talks back.
In Joe’s case? I’d guess childhood head trauma.
Bruno: Marshall Law is going to be my gay-porn name.
WND quotes known idiot & liar Judy Holloway saying there were 5000 at Austin’s tea party. If I’m being generous there were 500, yet that didn’t stop Holloway from making up 5000 out of whole cloth and posting it on her blog. She says it was surprising because Austin is such a liberal city. Actually it’s surprising because it’s a fucking lie, you inbred cunt.
Thank God we’re getting third-degree-of-separation scoops from WORLD NUT DAILY. Now my day is complete.
Is a Joe the Plunger anything like an Unlicenced Rectal Spindle?
I never realized, but he looks alot like Brittany Spears!
I guess I’ll have to avoid the bathhouse on Friday.
I would like to think of Joe as one of those modern traveling salesmen who lug their foldable conference deplays with them, as large luggage in the airport, and have to take the shared airport shuttle from the Holiday Inn Express in flyover towns everywhere.
It’s not nice to lie to God about your alleged name, your alleged “profession,” and oh, I dunno, your alleged everything, including your alleged reason for wasting space on the planet. So what God really said was: NO! And get off my planet, pisswipe!
imissopus: Even a blind pig…… Chalk one up for Jeebus, I guess, but he still really fucked up with the Crusades and the Inquisition.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Joe forgot to mention that God was laughing his ass off at the time He answered him.
So, who has their signs ready? I am going with the “Bring Back Crystal Pepsi” meme.
I just can’t wait until God tells him to put aluminum foil on his head, cover himself with feces, and go stand in the middle of the road.
That would be a move of almost Cary-Grant-like dignity and elegance compared to his usual public shenanigans.
Also, {not}our {not}Joe the {not}Plumber is NO MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD AMURRICAN!
Why would god talk to Joe?
He has better things to do. Like making sure Brazil beats USA soccer.
Allahu achbar?
In related news, God just asked Mark Sanford to come in for a chat…
Oh please, please Wonkette operatives in Austin, please get a picture with Plunger at the teabagging thing, and then punch him in his fat, bald face, please?
Gopherit: “I Shaved My Balls For This?!” will also be in attendance.
rereridiculous: Liscenced my ass. I’m more worried about the status of his shots. Ye gods! Just look at that picture!
So does this mean he is a false prophet, in addition to being a false plumber?
And does anyone remember the old SNL skit with Bill Murray as a cesspool diver? That’s really what JTP did before he started shoveling shit for the GOP, right?
PS SKS I wanna have your babies!
You know, the problem with God is He doesn’t smite anymore.
And to think I could be seeing The Plunger fer reelz. Face-to-Face with The Man Who Spoke with God. wah.
Kingbee: Good point. And I didn’t know that Joe spoke Arabic.
On NPR this morning, Terry Gross interviewed author Jeff Sharlet about his book The Family: The Secret Fundamentalism at the Heart of American Power.
Well worth a read. (Or a listen if you’re feeling Plummer-y.)
The Family—or The Fellowship—is a religious order that sounds like an unholy threesome between Mormons, Reagan-ites, and the Illuminati. They practice (super secretly) a kind of trickle-down fundamentalism that believes that the Bible got it wrong regarding the whole “help the poor” thing. Instead, they believe we should only help the richest and most powerful, and that they in turn would take care of the socialist-loving losers. One example: They engineered a verrry lucrative oil deal with Sudharto when he was on the tail end of wiping out 1 million of his fellow countrymen; they justified it by saying he was doing God’s work killing Commies, and they were doing God’s work by getting rich and paying other people to kill Commies.
The super-secretive group is evil, insane, and thus totally wired into Republican politics and deal making. They own a tax exempt “church” on C Street were 6-8 senators live (it’s called a “prayer cell”) while paying about $500 bucks a month. Ensign lives there, and Sanford hangs out whenever he is in DC and mentioned it during his presser. This article in US News list a bunch more.
I think we should tell Joe the Plumber about the Family—it’s right up his alley, he’ll be singing its praises within a week, and the whole shady sect will be destroyed by the end of the year.
Can we figure out a way to pull more California cities and drop them into Texas? I say we start with everything west of Altadena. BTW: Mrs. Holloway, this wouldn’t be the first time 5000 people who like teabagging got together in Austin.
I’d volunteer to go & take pictures but I have a prior commitment to have sewing needles jammed in my eyes, nose, ears and rectum (prolapsed.) Joe sounds inviting, but not good enough to miss out on my aforementioned fun
Damn drunk typing, I meant everything East of Altadena, and Orange County.
Do do that voodoo that you do so well…
hobospacejunkie: Poo-poo! This Extemporanus: was for you you, but I made a “yoo-hoo” boo-boo.
Extemporanus: The Family also openly admit to their study of and admiration for Nazi propaganda methods. They seem like wonderful people.
God is the last refuge of a crappy name-dropper. That this alleged deity said no may have been less attributable to divine will than to the fact that Joe knows he doesn’t have the attention span to handle a campaign, much less an entire legislative session. After a week, he’d be off hiking the Appalachian Trail — in whatever sense was necessary.
proudgrampa: “And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith.”
~Judges 15:15, KJV
Snarkalicious: I swear that is a picture of Britney, in her bald phase. It might be Joe, but to be sure we will have to await the paperazzi pix of him getting out of a car without undies. Oh, the suspense!
Even God can be right now and then.
I think you have to be legally registered to vote to run for federal office, or am I off-base here? JTP, according to the state of Ohio, was not only unlicensed as of summer last year, but unregistered as well. Maybe God told him not to vote. Also.
Autochthon: Bad Ass Old Testament God turning a mule bone into a weapon of mass destruction: God=the original McGyver.
freakishlystrong: I’m not going out in the 102-degree heat just to assault somebody who’s on minute #29548 of their 15 minutes of fame.
Joe The Plumber (liar) - America’s real life Homer Simpson.
Autochthon: Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!!
Give me an S
Give me an M
Give me an I - T - E
SMITE!!
user-of-owls: And the Conservatives continue Jahweh’s Holy Work today, seeing as Joe’s speechifying definitely qualifies as “the jawbone of an ass”…
Autochthon: REPENT, AUSTIN!
Well, I’m glad our deadbeat drunken deistic God looks through his spam email every once in a while.
uh, did someone already say it is “martial” law?
Actually God said “Fuck no!”
Weird about Joe the Plumber. God told me he was a fucking dick.
finallyhappy: I thought they were talking about Marshall McLuhan, as in 15 minutes of fame, expired.
freakishlystrong: I’d like to go down there and ask him to clean my shitter, but I wouldn’t waste a second on that limp dick.
As predicted, he omitted the part where God called him a “fuckin’ imbecile.”
But Wurzelbacher said he will keep that door open if God ever calls him to be that leader.
If He calls, that door had better be on an elevator shaft.
But why, God, why!?!?!?!? Think of the lulz, God! THINK OF THE LULZ!!!!!
Weather forecast for tomorrow in Austin: 99 degrees and humid. Really. We may have to amend the “Mad dogs and Englishmen” saying to include Teabaggers.
SayItWithWookies: You’re too kind. Joe doesn’t have the attention span. Bless you. Joe doesn’t have the brain capacity to absorb facts and integrate them into his worldview. If by worldview we mean his supposed ability to divide the world between ‘poop’ and ‘not poop.’
[God]
Don’t ask me what I think of you,
I might not give the answer that you want me to.
[/God]
snideinplainsight: Oh, I was totally going to say that!
bitchincamaro: hoo hoo! bitchin’ comment!
Joe I talked to God about you and he was like, “No.”
Crank Tango: “So does this mean he is a false prophet, in addition to being a false plumber?”
We need a prohet’s union to investigate ASAP.
JTP talks to god? Is that after he does meth and enjoys the gay butt secks
Joe thought he was going to be there to celebrate Juneteenth, the date when the Founding Mamas got their boogy on.
Holy crap! Joe the Plumber is giving a speech in my back yard?? I am so there. Will report back.