• May 27, 2012

Official Romney Portrait Unveiled

by Sara K. Smith  11:17 am July 1, 2009

Next, he will be fingered by a probe.Mitt Romney thinks he can get elected the Republican president of the United States someday, even though he served as the governor of the People’s Republic of Taxachusetts and instituted a Cuban healthcare regime while in office. To commemorate his unhappy tenure as a hostage of the Massachusetts state legislature’s overwhelmingly Democratic majority, the state unveiled an official portrait of the former governor yesterday. If he looks uncomfortable, it’s because of the rectal spindle that attaches him to the desk. UPDATE:

This very subtle Blingee by beloved commenter NoWireHangers was too good not to share.

Genius!

[Boston Herald]

{ 125 comments }

glamourdammerung July 1, 2009 at 11:20 am

Why does he have a picture of JonBenet Ramsey on his desk?

A Better American Than YOU July 1, 2009 at 11:21 am

[re=352231]glamourdammerung[/re]: I thought it was his tribute to Farrah.

SayItWithWookies July 1, 2009 at 11:21 am

The picture of Rielle Hunter is a little puzzling. That girl gets around.

Potater July 1, 2009 at 11:21 am

I didn’t look at the headline and thought this was an early portrait of Nixon.

I’m still not convinced it isn’t.

NoWireHangers July 1, 2009 at 11:22 am

All it needs is a framed photo of Reagan instead of the wifey, and a visible boner in Mitten’s pants to be historically accurate.

NotthatLC July 1, 2009 at 11:22 am

Such a tool. That is all.

Mahousu July 1, 2009 at 11:23 am

[re=352231]glamourdammerung[/re]: It’s a reminder that he’s dedicated his life to finding the real killer. The Presidency was just going to be a step toward that goal.

Vulpes82 July 1, 2009 at 11:23 am

Why does he look about twenty years older? Where is the tangerine glow? Who the hell is that Olan Mills-photograph chick (wife? Argentinian mistress)? I LOVE IT! Taxachusetts hates his guts, so they give him the worst portrait ever.

Serolf Divad July 1, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=352231]glamourdammerung[/re]:

It’s a clue, silly… just like in the DaVinci Code.

eclecticbrotha July 1, 2009 at 11:24 am

Glenn Beck has officially arrived in Crazytown. He was nodding in agreement as last night’s guest said we need Osama to shove teh nukular weapon up our ass to protect us from the brown people.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auQJVhNH99c

ella July 1, 2009 at 11:24 am

Are those white devil horns behind his head?

Extemporanus July 1, 2009 at 11:25 am

Interesting choice to depict him teabagging a mahogany desk, though given Romney’s wooden demeanor, I suppose it is apropos.

eclecticbrotha July 1, 2009 at 11:25 am

[re=352231]glamourdammerung[/re]: WOW. I thought it was the Coppertone kid.

Don Juanquete July 1, 2009 at 11:25 am

He looks well hung enuf but where are the latex gloves?

Chain Tattoo July 1, 2009 at 11:27 am

What’s going on in that oil painting behind ol’ Mitt?
It looks like a windmill is crashing into icebergs as a cruise ship passes by in the distance….
Is there some obscure Mormon iconography at work here? A depiction of the end times, perhaps?

Advocatus_Diaboli July 1, 2009 at 11:28 am

why does the head look like it was photoshopped on another’s body?

nappyduggs July 1, 2009 at 11:28 am

“Rectal spindle.”

Weeeeeeee! I just knew this ponce would have something like a prolapsed anus.

That picture totally came with the frame. Also.

magic titty July 1, 2009 at 11:28 am

Oh Mittens no. This has serious Dorian Gray undertones…

dementor July 1, 2009 at 11:28 am

Such expressive hands! Fingers that are eager to probe. Just needs latex gloves. I wish some artist could capture that quality of his hands.

suchsweetthunder July 1, 2009 at 11:30 am

WHAT IS ANN ROMNEY LOOKING AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!

norbizness July 1, 2009 at 11:31 am

It’s called Portrait of a Mormon Planetary Overlord (With A Smaller Portrait of Sandra Dee)

glamourdammerung July 1, 2009 at 11:31 am

[re=352245]Serolf Divad[/re]: I thought Mormons only killed people when they could blame it on local Indian tribes.

x111e7thst July 1, 2009 at 11:32 am

I can not escape the suspicion that Mittens was somehow involved in the anal fingerbanging of those American Apparel employees.

El Pinche July 1, 2009 at 11:33 am

George Hamilton does not change does he?
Viva El Gay Blade!!!

Double Scorpion July 1, 2009 at 11:33 am

Wow! Robert Wagner looks great! What is he, like, 80?

TGY July 1, 2009 at 11:33 am

The likeness is frightening.

steve-d July 1, 2009 at 11:34 am

looks more like former sec head christopher cox

frailamerica July 1, 2009 at 11:35 am

It looks like a Mittens/Reagan morph job.

Scott-san July 1, 2009 at 11:36 am

[re=352260]suchsweetthunder[/re]: Indeed. I’m uncomfortable with the ANGLE OF HER HEAD! My eyes go STRAIGHT to her.

TGY July 1, 2009 at 11:36 am

If he looks uncomfortable, it’s because of the rectal spindle that attaches him to the desk

Sat on the paper spike by accident again, by golly.

rereridiculous July 1, 2009 at 11:36 am

Looks like he’s fondling himself. Though with his wife having hair from the 80s, I can’t blame him.

NoWireHangers July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am
paintitblack July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am

Give Mittens another 10 years, and he’ll start resembling Pat Boone!

avoidinggradingpapers July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am

Looks like he is using the unveiling to admit his long-standing affair with Florence Henderson.

El Pinche July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am

[re=352246]eclecticbrotha[/re]: i was about to post this , too. I wish anal cancer for Beck and that other psychotic beard clown.

Clancy_Pants July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am

Screamin’ for a Blingee!

ShamWow July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am

his ass is really sticking out, i never realized that mittens had booty

Joehoya July 1, 2009 at 11:37 am

His wife cocks her head like a golden retriever.

bfstevie July 1, 2009 at 11:38 am

Yes, governor, that picture does make your ass look big.

NoWireHangers July 1, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=352279]Clancy_Pants[/re]: I already–heh–beat–heh–you to it.

Heh.

(See above)

ShamWow July 1, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=352276]paintitblack[/re]: leather chaps and all?

MarSF July 1, 2009 at 11:40 am

Look at the size of his hands-they are as big as his head! Romney is a total tool but that artist sucks – unless the suck is just a byproduct of disgust for the subject matter, which I totally understand. The retarded portrait of his Sister-Wife on the desk is pure gold.

proudgrampa July 1, 2009 at 11:41 am

“rectal spindle”

God, that’s funny!

El Pinche July 1, 2009 at 11:42 am

[re=352275]NoWireHangers[/re]: Hahaha..you made giggle on my conference call. Yes, this pic begged for a good blingee.

Servo July 1, 2009 at 11:42 am

Not enough Sap Green.

paintitblack July 1, 2009 at 11:42 am

[re=352246]eclecticbrotha[/re]: Feckless Glenn haz been crazed like a wealthy Fox for a very long time. The more $$$ he makes, the more outrageous he will become. Last night’s “display” is only the beginning. I think Pirate Murdoch and the rest of our Lizard overlords are curious to see how far they can push this meme.

TGY July 1, 2009 at 11:43 am

[re=352283]bfstevie[/re]: Good thing you can see his ass in the painting since it’s on his shoulders.

Serolf Divad July 1, 2009 at 11:44 am

[re=352246]eclecticbrotha[/re]:

Beck’s been in crazy town for a while. But with this he’s probably Mayor.

paintitblack July 1, 2009 at 11:44 am

[re=352285]ShamWow[/re]: Si Senor! And lots of butt plugs.

Rusty Shackleford July 1, 2009 at 11:45 am

Separated at birth: Ann Romney and Tina Yothers?!

Monsieur Grumpe July 1, 2009 at 11:45 am

If you expand the picture of the women on the desk there is another picture of Mittens on the wall behind her. If you expand that Mittens painting there is another picture of the same women on his desk. Women. Mittens, women, Mittens, women, it goes on forever!

x111e7thst July 1, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=352275]NoWireHangers[/re]: You are a sick puppy (I think I love you)

Cicada July 1, 2009 at 11:48 am

Not smarmy enough. I could almost believe this guy is a real human being. Obviously the artist was projecting.

wallythepug July 1, 2009 at 11:48 am

He looks like Ferris Bueller’s dad to me. Save Ferris!

DemmeFatale July 1, 2009 at 11:49 am

First, “guano faucet,” and now “rectal spindle!?”
You’re spoining me, Wonkette!

SnarkNotFark July 1, 2009 at 11:51 am

This is some freaky shit. LOOK at the reflection of ?Jon Bennet Yothers? on the desk. Is that Micahel Jackson in shades or a “grey” with the typical alien eyes? Some moron endtimes stuff probably, what with the big spacebattle and all. Also too, a spectre (possibly Alfred Hitchcock in profile) is haunting him in the painting behind him.

hobospacejunkie July 1, 2009 at 11:51 am

Thus proving all republican president-bots, post-Eisenhower (had to scrap after that military-industrial complex malfunction,) were created from the same Westworld mold. The updated Mormonotron 9000 was simply endowed with a 1950s Rand Corporation flunky’s idea of a sense of humor. Who strapped the dogs down?

freakishlystrong July 1, 2009 at 11:52 am

[re=352275]NoWireHangers[/re]: Shit!…

DemmeFatale July 1, 2009 at 11:53 am

…er, that’s spoiling. (Only my husband gets to spoin me.)

Lascauxcaveman July 1, 2009 at 11:55 am

It’s an old portrait artist’s trick: the more you hate your subject, the more useless, pointless crap you add to the picture to de-emphasize the importance of the subject himself.

Now, what conclusion can we draw from this portrait?

nappyduggs July 1, 2009 at 11:55 am

Oh yes and this photo resembles something that one would find in the Scooby Doo Mystery Mansion playset with the eyes following you around. My money is on it being placed next to a restroom. Unisex.

4tehlulz July 1, 2009 at 11:56 am

Phil Hartman looks so sad in that picture.

AliBabaInBA July 1, 2009 at 11:57 am

Purely in the sense of aesthetics (i.e., no political snark), it’s a cheap, Norman Rockwellish POS.
I suspect he has better portraits, by better paid artists, in all his homes. Or, ya’know, not.

WadISay July 1, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=352299]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: The box around his head is interesting, in a clinical sense. I think the artist was trying to say, Square Head.

[re=352281]Joehoya[/re]: I took the picture to be Olivia Newton-John.

hobospacejunkie July 1, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=352310]DemmeFatale[/re]: Spoin? Please describe this new sex-related fetish or heterosexual intercourse position.

Clancy_Pants July 1, 2009 at 11:59 am

[re=352284]NoWireHangers[/re]: Nice!

Jerk Cade July 1, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Wherez the fudge!?

Blender July 1, 2009 at 12:01 pm

He’s got that “my super mormorn underwear are chafing my crotch so hurry this shit up” look in his eyes. Poor guy.

finallyhappy July 1, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Does that woman in the painting within the painting have an adam’s apple?

Lascauxcaveman July 1, 2009 at 12:06 pm

[re=352315]AliBabaInBA[/re]: Say whatever you want about the sentiments of your typical Norman Rockwell paintings, but compared to whoever painted this mess, Rockwell was a technical genius.

Ugh, the composition. It must be intentionally bad. Seriously, whoever painted this just hates the fuck out of Mitt Romney.

El Pinche July 1, 2009 at 12:10 pm

[re=352293]paintitblack[/re]: FoxNews is cashing in on his clinical bipolar disorder. Murdoch is hoping for a bud dwyer or Network moment. Ratings will be sky high!!

Aloysius July 1, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Is that his wife or his plural wife?

InsidiousTuna July 1, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=352326]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: To be fair, it looks like this photograph of the portrait was taken with a miserably bad iPhone camera. I agree it sucks, though.

hobospacejunkie July 1, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=352326]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Norman Rockwell hate-fucked Mitt Romney. Their satanic spawn (the PBS guy) created this dead-eyed, paint-by-numbers canvas abortion.

bwill July 1, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Methinks mittens needs more fiber in his diet. That expression on his face tells me he hasn’t taken a proper dump since the Bush I administration. Or he’s never had sex with the lights on. Ever.

Autochthon July 1, 2009 at 12:15 pm

That painting makes the Mittster look like Billy Graham…which is NOT an improvement…

smartypants July 1, 2009 at 12:19 pm

That Blingee–SFF!!!

My Western Ken Doll Collection keeps growing and growing and growing…

user-of-owls July 1, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=352326]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: whoever painted this just hates the fuck out of Mitt Romney.

It was either a Massachusetts state employee or a member of the United Association of Pipefitters, Postal Workers and Portrait Artists, Local 213. Or anyone with a modicum of sense, actually.

Servo July 1, 2009 at 12:22 pm

[re=352326]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:
Norman Rockwell’s paintings are a conservative’s wet dream.
None of that blasphemous Librul shit portrayed in the works of Bourguereau, Alma-Tadema, Waterhouse, etc.
A nice place to get lost:
http://www.artrenewal.org/

Servo July 1, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=352322]finallyhappy[/re]:
More like a broken neck.

Dolmance July 1, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Where can I purchase a “rectal spindle?”

Country Club Jihadi July 1, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Did someone blow a dog whistle when his wife was posing for that Glamour Shot at the mall? Mitt was obviously next door at Thomas Kinkade.

Autochthon July 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm

“Former Gov. Mitt Romney returned to the State House last night for the unveiling of his official portrait, one that portrays him as a devoted husband and an architect of the state’s first-in-the-nation universal health care law.

‘This feels like coming back to a great team,’ Romney said. ‘This was a group of folks who went into the foxholes together and being with them warms my heart.’”

um, ew…

user-of-owls July 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=352340]Dolmance[/re]: Try your local Homo Depot.

Autochthon July 1, 2009 at 12:34 pm

AND the dumb bastards paid $30,000 for that artistic trainwreck…

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 1, 2009 at 12:36 pm

In the Mormon religion, putting you wife at cock level and having her staring over your bulge is a great sign of respect usually only reserved for your number one wife.

BlueStateLibtard July 1, 2009 at 12:40 pm

[re=352252]Chain Tattoo[/re]: The painting behind the desk is the artist’s subtle allusion to the fact that the Republican Party is sinking like the Titantic, and that if Mitt were ever elected president, he would steer our country into disaster.

It’s a common practice throughout history among politically repressed artists to subtly mock the political subjects of their paintings. The obvious Dorian Grey aspect of the whole painting is also a subtle allusion to Mitt’s vanity, his growing moral corruption, and the ultimate futility of his dreams and hopes.

Also note how the artist has positioned the photo of Mitt’s wife BENEATH the American flag. This is bad composition on purpose and is hardly chance. It subtly points out that Mitt will do anything to further his political ambitions, even if it means skewering loved ones.

liquiddaddy July 1, 2009 at 12:45 pm

It looks like he’s giving his magic undergarments a severe work out.

Bruno July 1, 2009 at 12:51 pm

I wonder if he got in a bid debate with the artist about how much grey to put in his hair.

Snarkalicious July 1, 2009 at 1:03 pm

[re=352322]finallyhappy[/re]: It’s a ‘spiritual’ marriage.

Lascauxcaveman July 1, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=352338]Servo[/re]: Thanks for the link. Bookmarked.

Oldskool July 1, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Mass is screwing with Mittens bigtime. That’s clearly Jamie Kennedy in a sad “after” pose from the rapper movie he made.

dick_armey July 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Is that Mitt Romney or Tom Wilkinson? Lookin’ kinda puffy.

proudgrampa July 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

It really is a terrible painting… I agree that the artist must hate the guy.

saridout July 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

omg, he has horrible enormous monster hands O_o

Itsjustme July 1, 2009 at 1:13 pm

[re=352310]DemmeFatale[/re]: Is spoining like sparking?

flyingspaghettimonster July 1, 2009 at 1:14 pm

My dog does that same tilty thing with his head when he hears his name.

One Yield Regular July 1, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Wait, isn’t that Olivia Newton-John in the photo? This is “Grease III,” right?

skyinator July 1, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Mittens has Ann Coulter hands.

lmj July 1, 2009 at 1:40 pm

OK, its official protrait of Romney, but who is that guy in it?
Looks like a cross between Billy Graham and Fred Thompson.
Probably did some marketing research to decide who it should look like.

TGY July 1, 2009 at 1:44 pm

Mitt the Sad Panda Governor.

proudgrampa July 1, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Bill Pullman! That’s who that portrait looks like!

Anita Cocktail July 1, 2009 at 1:53 pm

He has the longest left pinkie in the world.
You know what that means, heh, heh, heh.

Also, they should have paid the extra ten bucks for the black velvet background.

lmj July 1, 2009 at 1:59 pm

[re=352462]Anita Cocktail[/re]: No, I don’t know what that means. But now that you point it out, his left hand looks like a ‘photoshop disaster’. I assumed it was photoshoped. How that works with a painting I am not sure, but seems natural Mitt would demand a touch-up, no matter what the context.

yellowdogdem July 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm

[re=352244]Vulpes82[/re]: You are so correct. The artist must have been stoned. Much as I can’t stand Romney, he’s much nicer looking than that portrait (I can’t speak to what he looks like in his magic underwear).

cj4 July 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm

I didn’t know Mittens was such a fan of Princess Diana. I thought he was more into the French.

Hooray For Anything July 1, 2009 at 2:20 pm

This picture combined with a “real” picture of Romney looks like one of those things you see on Awful Plastic Surgery. With this picture being “before” plastic surgery and the real picture of Romney being the “after” the awful plastic surgery.

Hausdrache July 1, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Looks like the artist made a blown-up printout of an official photograph (on watercolor paper? canvas?) and painted on top of it. Two coats of acrylic medium on top of the printout and the oil paint won’t destroy it. It would explain why every element is given equal emphasis by the painter — he’s letting the camera make all the decisions.

(First time commenter, hi there!)

sezme July 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=352312]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Plus, make his head look peculiarly small.

Fear of a Black Reagan July 1, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Hah! They made him look like a red-nosed old drunk!

Mr Blifil July 1, 2009 at 3:22 pm

He’s holding Princess Di prisoner in that picture frame!

Atheist Nun July 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm

It’s so realistic, I can almost see his Magic Mormon Underwearâ„¢ bunching up and wedging into his Magic Mormon Asscrackâ„¢.

Crankenstank July 1, 2009 at 3:42 pm

I see he once again spits on his “own” state of Massachusetts by not having the flag of our great commonwealth in his official portrait. Have some used tea, Mittens.

S.Luggo July 1, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=352231]glamourdammerung[/re]: That’s the Mormon teen sex-goddess Sanda Dee. http://www.hollywoodteenmovies.com/GalleryDee3.jpg

Dindc July 1, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Does he have a deviated septum or is that a penis where his nose should be?

Diamante July 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Where’s the token portrait of his lovable dog? The one he strapped to the roof of his car while flying down the interstate on one of the family road trips.

Biden Time July 1, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Isn’t that Michael Palin?

Aquannissiwamissoo July 1, 2009 at 4:59 pm

You should never pose for an official portrait when you have to pee.

Aquannissiwamissoo July 1, 2009 at 5:16 pm

I think his rectal spindle is set on “vibrate.”

DonQuixote July 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

If that’s a puddle of cum to the right of the picture on the desk, I think Mittens needs to work on keeping his Magic Underpants on when painters are present.

Mike Steele July 1, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Teh pointer finger is missing. Mark of the beast?

S. Cullen Bonz July 1, 2009 at 8:55 pm

Did that artist with the afro on PBS paint that?

Mike Steele July 1, 2009 at 8:58 pm

You’re all wrong. The picture on the desk is of Britney Murphy. The Guv is a big 8 Mile fan.

Servo July 1, 2009 at 9:32 pm

[re=352895]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]:
The late Bob Ross.

villageatrois July 3, 2009 at 6:20 am

Yeah, so what has Romney done since making “Thriller”? Notice that you never saw his brothers and sisters on the campaign trail. It was pretty cool that he parlayed his “Thriller” money into Brain Capital.

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