WE'LL MAKE A NOTE OF IT!  2:32 pm June 30, 2009

South Carolina Lt. Governor Denies Being Insanely Gay

by Jim Newell

No pants!Like most people, South Carolina Lieutenant Governor André Bauer is potentially gay. The evidence is overwhelming, about him being gay. Most obviously, nice accent aigu there, gay guy! And he’s not even married. He’s so hot and powerful and yet not married to a woman! What is up with that. So when Mark Sanford resigns for having sex with a lady, will South Carolina have its first gay governor, André? No, according to the Frenchman himself. None of this.

The State interviewed L’André and all he wanted to talk about was sex, gay sex:

During an interview Monday, Bauer, who is a bachelor, voluntarily brought up the subject of his sexual orientation, which he said has been the subject of rumors.

Asked, then, if he’s homosexual, Bauer said: “One word, two letters. ‘No.’ Let’s go ahead and dispel that now.

“Is Andre Bauer gay? That is now the story,” he said. “We’re a long way from where we were a week ago.

“We have diverted what the real topic should be here: Is the governor capable for carrying on the duties for which he was elected?”

Whoa whoa, where are those rumors coming from? We hadn’t heard those rumors. Why is he bringing up this complete nonsense?

Lt. Gov. Bauer: Let’s move forward [The State]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 95 comments }

IceCreamEmpress June 30, 2009 at 2:34 pm

“Accent ague?”

Is that when someone imitating Michael J. Fox or Katharine Hepburn shakes uncontrollably?

I think you mean “accent aigu.”

RoscoePColtraine June 30, 2009 at 2:34 pm

I volunteer to administer him his gay test. Hands-on, not written.

GDuvall June 30, 2009 at 2:34 pm

I will be so proud if my forward-looking state ends up with two of its three major statewide offices held by the gays.

A Better American Than YOU June 30, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Denies being black also, but with a name like André….

Holy Cow!! June 30, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Bullshit, I had a three way with him and Jeff Gannon.

Scarab June 30, 2009 at 2:36 pm

One word, eight letters – Fabulous!

Jim Newell June 30, 2009 at 2:36 pm

[re=351451]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: DAMN

Jim Newell June 30, 2009 at 2:37 pm

[re=351451]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: What are you talking about?

lmj June 30, 2009 at 2:37 pm

If I understand recent news correctly, Sanford is a secret ‘Big Dawg’ with the ladies. He has dozens (or at least three) ‘lady friends’ So this dude just lost out. Sanford has a harem and sucked up all the lady talent. So add another deadly sin to Sanfords account: Greed (for ladies). So, why waste time on this loser. My question is whether Sanford was in wuv with all of his ladies?

paintitblack June 30, 2009 at 2:37 pm

My gay-dar is ringing like the idiotic drudge siren: whoop, whoop.

Listen, dawg, we won’t believes ya ’till ya hits the poontang like yer boss does.

Scarab June 30, 2009 at 2:38 pm

What do you think the ‘south’ in South Carolina really refers to?

SnarkNotFark June 30, 2009 at 2:38 pm

And asked what he thought of his first gay experience, Bauer said: “One word, two letters. ‘Ow.’”

nbawriter June 30, 2009 at 2:38 pm

André Queer-thousand.

stew June 30, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Sanford is “trying to fall back in love with his wife”. Huh?

Crab1 June 30, 2009 at 2:39 pm

“One word, two letters.

No straight man would ever answer a question by playing charades.

Terry June 30, 2009 at 2:40 pm

“Whoa whoa, where are those rumors coming from? We hadn’t heard those rumors. Why is he bringing up this complete nonsense?”

His live in boyfriend asked him to do so.

IceCreamEmpress June 30, 2009 at 2:40 pm

[re=351467]Jim Newell[/re]: We have always been at war with Eastaigu.

paintitblack June 30, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=351469]lmj[/re]: some idiotic conservatives attempt to “rationalize” Sanford’s adultry by saing, aw, well, it doesn’t “count” bc he was just so in loooove (as Bubba Bill in the Oval Office, which was clearly just disgusting)…

EarBucket June 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm

“Just so you know, I don’t suck cocks.”

“What? I didn’t–”

“Seriously. I don’t suck cocks. Never have. Uh-uh.”

“Um. Okay.”

“No sirree, not me. No cocksucking here, nope.”

“Mr. Bauer, would you like to talk about someth–”

“You got that I don’t suck cocks, yeah? Write that down.”

edgydrifter June 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Ah, the old “it-ain’t-gay-if-you’re-the-penetrator” axiom; the moral salve to countless foxhole, prison shower, and senate cloakroom downlow hookups.

slappypaddy June 30, 2009 at 2:44 pm

his necktie’s gay. way gay.

Monsieur Grumpe June 30, 2009 at 2:44 pm

A gay Frenchman? Jamais!
Maybe he’s French Canadian.

Prommie June 30, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Look at this Sanford quote: COLUMBIA, S.C. — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says he “crossed lines” with a handful of women other than his mistress — but never had sex with them.

The governor says he “never crossed the ultimate line” with anyone but Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentine at the center of a scandal that has derailed Sanford’s once-promising political career.

Apparently, only the Argentinian gave up the third input.

lmj June 30, 2009 at 2:47 pm

I am getting suspicious. All these GOP wuv and sex scandals and rumors all of a sudden. What happened to GOP money scandals? Are these sex scandals and rumors being thrown out there to cover up money scandals (penny ante money scandals like Sanford use of state money for Argentinian tango does not really qualify as a GOP money scandal, the sums being too small, and down in loser Chicago alderman territory).

And Wonkette, supposedly all hip and ‘knowing’, and upon which I depend to defend my freedoms, says nothing.

There is more to be revealed. What is it?

loudmouthredhead June 30, 2009 at 2:47 pm

Wait, what’s worse? The French or Teh Ghey? Or is it redundant?

Lindsey Graham on Meet the Press:
“The real tragedy is that mah governah was with a woman. Ah mean, Ah would have at least gotten with some Antonio Banderas look-alike pool boy…

Stranger in the Alps June 30, 2009 at 2:48 pm

one word, three letters, oui

Sussemilch June 30, 2009 at 2:49 pm

“One word, two letters. ‘Si.’

loudmouthredhead June 30, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=351464]Scarab[/re]: “One shape, one color. Triangle, pink…shaken AND stirred”

DiscoUkulele June 30, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Aww, you can totally tell Rick Perry did his hair. Love :)

boatapple June 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm

That gay Frenchman protests too much. If he’s telling the truth, then why gild the lily? I call bullpoop.

snideinplainsight June 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm

He just can’t spell, is all.

He meant to say “One word, two letters – Non.’

Or he could have just said

“Au contraire, je suis un pampelmousse completement!”

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend June 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Is this the same guy who played Frank Pembleton on Homicide?

Extemporanus June 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm

One word, two letters:

Country Club Jihadi June 30, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Egregious June 30, 2009 at 2:53 pm

The article explains that upon learning of Sanford secret trip to Argentina, “Bauer’s first reaction was to “go dark.” Is that what they’re calling it these days?

smellyal8r June 30, 2009 at 2:54 pm

SC has “fruit blindness” as Liz Lemon would put it:

“Sir, have you ever kissed another gentleman?”

Andre: “Once in college and a lot since then”

assistant/atlas June 30, 2009 at 2:54 pm

As for “gay evidence” I would like to add his tastefully-decorated “downtown condominium” (paging Corky St. Clair) to the list. Seriously, that is some Martha Stewart shit right there. An actual straight dude would have at least one tacky neon beer sign somewhere up in there. Or like a Pantera poster or something…

LeHanzka June 30, 2009 at 2:55 pm

I can see Charlie Crist pissing in this guy’s butt.

Country Club Jihadi June 30, 2009 at 2:55 pm

One Word. Two Letters: Bi

One Yield Regular June 30, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=351479]stew[/re]: Apparently you can buy an instructional CD on how to do this from Sanford’s religious advisor and “spiritual giant” Cubby Culbertson, who considers himself a professional marriage rehabilitator.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 30, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=351523]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: Haha. Not only is that tres gay, but it just screams “I love plowing fourteen-year-old Boy Scout butt.”

Also, someone needs to tell Andre’ to wax his eyebrows, ‘cuz the catepillar look is so last month.

gjdodger June 30, 2009 at 3:01 pm

And furthermore, he doesn’t eat other fellows’ shit off of plates with a fork. I have no idea where that foolish notion came from, so just put it out of your hear. En-oh, NO.

WestEdEd June 30, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Prommie–
“Apparently, only the Argentinian gave up the third input”

it’s called “the pampas” down there.

LeHanzka–
“I can see Charlie Crist pissing in this guy’s butt”

Really? From your front porch or what?

spencer June 30, 2009 at 3:04 pm

Let google the #1 google image speak for itself:
http://67degrees.com/images/andre.jpg

spencer June 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm

He had an ad in 2006 that was against “Cock Fighting”:
http://www.tnsmi-cmag.com/misc/bestof2006/bestof102706.rm

Oldskool June 30, 2009 at 3:09 pm

If he ever does an interview with Chip Reid and it looks like Obama/Malveaux, we’ll have an answer.

Come here a minute June 30, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=351519]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: I think this case is a red ball.

El Pinche June 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm

[re=351529]LeHanzka[/re]: Yep. I could totally see Crist giving this guy a lemon pie.
[re=351523]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: Priest/Alter boy break-up sex always brings a tiny tear to my eye.

lmj June 30, 2009 at 3:12 pm

What it is, is those South Carolina peaches. And by “peaches” I mean peaches, of the South Carolinian variety. They are very juicy, and tasty, and lead to polymorphous perversions of unimaginable forms. I advise innocents like Wonkette and its readers to stay out of this aspect of SC culture.

Plus, I am getting bored by GOP sex scandals. I want some money scandals. Please feed my whims. I demand it.

Wet Work June 30, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Speaking of putative homos in the news, it seems that Michael Jackson’s children were not even sired with his own seed.

This info, combined with his exclusion of his own father from his latest will and his permanent falsetto voice, dovetails nicely with my pet theory, to wit:

MJ’s DAD CASTRATED HIM AS A CHILD TO KEEP HIS VOICE FROM CHANGING AND THE $$$ ROLLING IN.

Too paranoid? Any takers?

Apologies for the threadjack, Jack.

S.Luggo June 30, 2009 at 3:15 pm

— Asked, then, if he’s homosexual, Bauer said: “‘I mean, like gawd, Miss Thing, no.’” —
The chicas of the Argentine mourn.

Wet Work June 30, 2009 at 3:18 pm

On topic: “One word, two letters. ‘No.’”

At least they’ll still have a liar in charge.

TGY June 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm

What, you mean as in ‘flaming’?

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Mr. Bauer continued, “Where I grew up in South Carolina, forcing a Yankee to suck you off was just our way of letting him know that he had a purty mouth.”

51dimes June 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm

[re=351493]EarBucket[/re]: So…no to the sucking of cocks then?

chascates June 30, 2009 at 3:32 pm

And Sanford ran for governor thinking “No way anything will happen to me; Bauer is GAY!!!”

trickyrick June 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm

In South Carolina, one must learn to do the ‘shag’ if you want to go to beach partays. just sayin’

le petit mort June 30, 2009 at 3:38 pm

[re=351527]assistant/atlas[/re]: Totes. It’s like Pottery Barn bukkaked his condo. And what is that hideous concoction over his shoulder, on the right? Teh geh tapestry.

Cape Clod June 30, 2009 at 3:39 pm

And he went on to say, ‘Sure I like Streisand’s music, she’s a great performer. Millions of people like her.’

Wet Work June 30, 2009 at 3:43 pm

What’s his position on the Appalachian Trail? Top or bottom?

Red Zeppelin June 30, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Well, all I can say is that SC is truly lucky to have two such fine-looking, well-dressed gentlemen, and NOT AT ALL GAY politicians as M. Bauer and Sen. “Lucky” Lindsey Graham.

MoRawn June 30, 2009 at 3:46 pm

It actually makes perfect sense. He’s speaking in code.

One word, two letters: “bi”

snideinplainsight June 30, 2009 at 3:48 pm

“mais j’aime totalement le postillionage. Chic alors!”

assistant/atlas June 30, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=351529]LeHanzka[/re]: I would much rather see dead people. Or be blind.

Vartan84 June 30, 2009 at 4:16 pm

He seems like a pretty cool guy based on that article alone- though I don’t telling your constituents about your deep-seated paranoia about everything inspires much confidence.
And wow, look at that 20th floor condo he lives in, the most impeccably decorated bachelor pad I’ve ever seen. If he isn’t gay he’s at least the real-life embodiment of Dr. Frasier Crane. I wonder if they have opera in South Carolina?

graceless June 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Has anybody ever seen him with Mike “I’m not gay” Piazza?

P Drizzle June 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Damn. I reckon all this negativity on South Cackalacky almost makes me wanna go contrarian on y’all and defend God’s Country.

Then I remember the stupid, stupid people. And the horse fuckers. And class after class of ugly, ugly children.

blackdontcrack June 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

oh id so do him. he’s gay.

P Drizzle June 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm

[re=351846]P Drizzle[/re]: Also: Yes. total poofster.

Potater June 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm

You were all so focused on the fact that he’s an uphill gardner that none of you noticed his eerie resemblance to Blagojevich.

In other news, he also resembles my college friend Jody. Must be the dick-sucking lips they share.

Potater June 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm

And what socialism is this?

“He’s a true entrepreneur,” said Curtis Loftis, who once worked for Bauer in the state Office on Aging.

South Carolina actually CONTROLS AND REGULATES the passage of time for their citizens?! Tyranny! Where are the citizens “going Galt” and staging teabagging parties?! Oh wait, Bauer would get the wrong idea….

Bruno June 30, 2009 at 6:03 pm

I would like him to define what “crossing the ultimate line” means to him.

FormerDCite June 30, 2009 at 6:11 pm

His picture says: “I like drinking cosmos while listening to the Mambo Kings, and talking with the guys about the latest broadway line up.” The State omitted the fact that he was horribly disappointed when he found out the Gamecocks were a college football team.

Holding Out for a Hero June 30, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Careful André, you don’t want to jostle Miss Lindsay whilst the two of you are sharing that closet.

102415 June 30, 2009 at 6:43 pm

[re=351495]slappypaddy[/re]: That tie is proof of gay as in no gay person would wear that tie with that suit so the tie is like his beard. Is this right?

thejazzmonger June 30, 2009 at 6:52 pm

What can you say about a state where the USC fans hold up signs at football games saying, “You can’t lick our ‘Cocks!”?

donner_froh June 30, 2009 at 7:10 pm

The ill-fitting suit coat casts doubt on Bauer’s gayness.

DustBowlBlues June 30, 2009 at 8:44 pm

[re=351459]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: André is the gayest name, ever. He’s cute and looks well groomed. This dickwad is so gay. OK’s own Sally NutKern did another incredibly stupid thing today and evidently made it under the wonkette radar. How sweet it is to pick on another crazy winger state.

DustBowlBlues June 30, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=351500]Prommie[/re]: ““crossed lines” with a handful of women”

I took that to mean he was bonking Democratic women. Double adultery on the wingnut scale.

DustBowlBlues June 30, 2009 at 8:49 pm

[re=351503]lmj[/re]: “And Wonkette upon which I depend to defend my freedoms. . . ”

Hey, me too! I read a lot of news here that the Christian Science Monitor doesn’t want me to know.

Autochthon June 30, 2009 at 9:43 pm

[re=351912]Potater[/re]: Um, we both went to college w/ the same Jody???

Barrelhse June 30, 2009 at 10:29 pm

accent aiguille

BMK June 30, 2009 at 10:35 pm

In what respect, Charlie?

AxmxZ June 30, 2009 at 10:45 pm

One word, four letters: MIAO!

dennymcden June 30, 2009 at 10:47 pm

Ah, I guess he’s hot, in a Cat-in-the-Hat kind of way…

S. Cullen Bonz June 30, 2009 at 11:24 pm

Poetic justice that the University of South Carolina nickname is the “Gamecocks”. New motto for South Carolna license plate: South Carolina: Full of game cocks.

dijetlo June 30, 2009 at 11:29 pm

I’d like to thank the State of South Carolina for demonstrating that regardless of their conservative, God fearing image they are fucking like mad weasels down there, pretty much anything that moves. They’ll cross international boarders for a particularly tasty piece of tail. They are truly a blight upon the hemisphere.
So bring on the Gay Governor, let’s do this big.

Mr Blifil June 30, 2009 at 11:49 pm

So…presumably he’s fucking Sanford too?

villageatrois July 1, 2009 at 6:23 am

It’s because they don’t have maps, and like the Iraq and such as, to build up our future.

Autochthon July 1, 2009 at 6:47 am

http://www.salon.com/opinion/walsh/politics/2009/07/01/sanford/

“Attorney General Henry McMaster, one of Bauer’s expected GOP primary opponents, wouldn’t even agree to investigate whether Sanford used public funds to travel to see his mistress (according to the New York Times, his staff was caught Twittering that Bauer had to be prevented from becoming governor: “Cannot allow a disaster to be replaced with catastrophe,” said Trey Walker, a McMaster aide.)”

PsycGirl July 1, 2009 at 9:15 am

[re=351659]Cape Clod[/re]: “and I have a Judy Garland poster in my office, but only because it clashed with my wall colors at home”.

ThePerfesser July 2, 2009 at 8:14 am

[re=352019]DustBowlBlues[/re]: “Andre is the gayest name ever.”

Especially if it ain’t yer name, and you adopt it as your own. Real name is Rudolph Andreas Bauer. Somewhere along the line, he decided to call himself Andre.

Had to. Someone had already taken the name Miss Thing.

Crashes planes. Drives crazy. Gets out of speeding and DUI tickets by speaking in code to state troopers. Also. Not a well woman.

Dolmance July 2, 2009 at 9:44 am

When I was a small child and Ronald Reagan was on TV running for Governor of California, my mother turned to me and said, “Don’t think for a moment that that man there hasn’t sucked a cock.”

Anyway, it always stuck in my mind. She had a remarkable knack when it came to not only politics but also knowing everything about a person’s sexuality at a glance, though her talents didn’t extend to any other part of her life. She predicted Obama would be the next President the moment he entered the race.

Anyway, she’s quite old now. But she saw this guy on TV and turned to me and said, “Don’t think for a moment that that man there hasn’t sucked a cock.”

Which means, that man there has definitely sucked a cock.

villageatrois July 3, 2009 at 6:36 am

[re=353045]Dolmance[/re]: “that man there has definitely sucked a cock.”

Yeah, so did my wife. You will be happy to know that she has been in full recovery for a couple decades. So there. Grump, grump.

JSDC007 August 26, 2009 at 4:09 pm

He was a male cheerleader in college.

That just makes him a douche.

Gay douche, straight douche, who cares? A douche is a douche.

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