Wonkette
- In response to American calls for a halt to settlement-building on the West Bank, Israel generously offers to halt construction for three to six months, except for those structures already in progress. And if they don’t get a peace settlement in that period of time then the whole thing’s off. Compromise! [New York Times]
- Bernard Madoff faces sentencing this morning in New York. How many thousands of years will he serve in the digestive organs of a sand-beast, as preordained in the opening minutes of Return of the Jedi? [Guardian]
- British embassy employees arrested in Iran on Wednesday have been released. [CNN]
- The president of Honduras was escorted out of the country by military troops and nobody really knows what’s going on. A Google ad at the bottom of this report asks the vital question, “Want to Live in Honduras?” [BBC News]
- Everybody you ever liked on television died this weekend: beloved OxiClean pitchman Billy Mays, 50s sitcom star Gale Storm, and impersonator Fred Travalena, “the man of a thousand
facesvoices.” [And Now a Break from Your Regularly Scheduled Blanket Coverage of Michael Jackson] - Also in celebrity news: Apple CEO Steve Jobs may have had an easier time securing a new liver due to his bottomless wealth. [Bloomberg]
Bernie Madoff ripped off Zsa Zsa? MOTHERFUCKER! NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE!
Please, there has not been nearly enough coverage of the Blanket angle of the MJ story.
Mays isn’t really dead; his family just came on the tv and said “wait, there’s more!”
sorry
Maybe if Steve Jobs wasn’t a reprobate, amoral, alcoholic purveyor of over-priced sin machines and didn’t fancy himself a god among men then baby Jeebus wouldn’t have put him so far down the priority list that he had to resort to bribery to get his new polar bear liver earlier.
Man, God really hates entertainers these days. By Friday, we’ll probably be down to Dakota Fanning and that horrible Pepsi girl with the doll-dead eyes.
And I’m not laying odds on the former.
Gale Storm? That sounds as improbable as “Neil Diamond” (checks Wikipedia)… holy shit, that’s his actual name.
Travalena was the “Man of a Thousand Voices”. Lon Chaney Sr. was the “Man of a Thosand Faces”. Dick Cheney was the “Man of a Thousand Heart Attacks”.
Well, you can’t squeeze lost money out of Bernie. Maybe his sentence could be partly commuted to community service running a hedge fund for the benefit of his victims? On a short leash. With electrodes attached to his testicles and wired to the fund index. :p
Probably not.
It isn’t necessary to be wealthy to jump the line for liver transplants. A poor person with 24/7 access to a private jet with a team of pilots can get that kind of treatment.
Also, the real reason for the “Coup in Te-GU-cigalpa”is that the three rich people who own 99.97% of everything in Honduras didn’t like the president’s propsed plan to feed food to rest of the country’s human population, preferring they be ground up into fertilizer instead.
Canmon (the Inadequate): Then let’s start counting, so we know how longer we have to put up with Cheney.
I would gladly give Steve Jobs my liver in exchange for a iPhone 3GS. I do have two livers, right? Who cares?! Dice-rolling app!!!
And what does it matter if the government of Israel signs some sort of paper? There are enough settler whack-jobs who will refuse to be bound by any agreement ’cause “God gave us this land”, and the Israeli government will never have the courage to enforce anything. Religion: pfui!
Geez, the wealthy get better health care than the rest of us? Shocked! I’m shocked, I say!
hobospacejunkie: Yeah, those Lefty Latin Leaders always have trouble when the go up against Big Fruit and Big Mining and whatever else they got down there.
Hey Billy Mays here! Are you sick and tired of the endless torments of hell cramping your style? All that scubbing and scrubbing of your bloody tattered garments from the hassel of daily eviscerations? Ugly stains from eternal anal rapes from the hoary master of the underworld and his howling deamon’s sharp, horned fundements? Filled with hopelessness and dispare knowing this agony will never stop?
Me, too.
Why Billy Mays? Why? Why couldn’t it be Vince of Sham Wow/Biting Hooker fame? Why is life so unfair????
All rise for the Israel National anthem…
This land is my land
This land is my land
This land is my land
This land is my land
Etc.
ManchuCandidate: Matthew Lesko?? The creepy colon cleanse devil looking guy?? The ripoff artist guy who does the fake talk show on the set of Larry King?? All should have gone before Billy…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SabRvYb0eE
TGY: Also, I wonder how many of those settler whack-jobs are from US America? Not that it matters so much, but it always seemed odd in the extreme that people would leave USA to live in places not unfamiliar with flying bullets and suicide bombers. Nothing like building your home on the plowed-over remains of a Palestinian’s olive grove.
ManchuCandidate: Vince’s pacemaker was made in Germany; you know the Germans make good stuff.
I’d love to see my dream play of “Palestinian on the Roof” come to fruition, but since I know nothing about writing, acting, theatrical production, or event management, and since I have no money, I’m going to have to pass the torch. Any takers?
Not speaking of which, I wonder if the Picower story will grow legs.
Vince clearly sold his soul to the devil in exchange for that Wow thing, so expect him to live until 115 still screaming at us from his wheelchair about his nuts.
Dear Lord, Ruler of the Universe:
I fail to understand why we are still forced to see the satanic gaze of Paula Deen.
norbizness: True, it was not her real name. She was assigned that name(kind of like future sci-fi world but in the 1930s hollywood- dsort of the same). And I remember her show from when I was a youngun.
TGY: I don’t get how his attornies can ask for a shorter sentence because he is old and will die in jail- shouldn’t he die in jail?
All these celebrity deaths and only so much time to care.
Yet Stephen Baldwin still lives.
If you are referring to the Sarlacc, I believe a 1,000-year digestion period is standard.
hobospacejunkie: Skip the fertilizer, go directly to Soylent Green! (Now available in pork AND beef flavor!)
Can we send Vince to the settlements? Nothing makes two antagonists put aside their differences faster than a common enemy, and if Vince doesn’t make the Palestinians and Israelis unite in aggravation, nothing will.
Roger the Shrubber: get 3 friends, a video camera and put it on Youtube
4tehlulz: Ironically, good ol Vince was born in Israel…
finallyhappy: If I had three friends I probably wouldn’t have time to post comments on this blerg.
Five out of nine British Embassy employees release, but hey - who’s counting. The other four never really mattered anyway.
hobospacejunkie: Well, heck, even in the Bible, the Promised Land was originally somebody else’s: the lands of the Keynesians, Slalomites, Gesundhites, Raphaelites, Preraphaelites, and Escargots. It’s all about the Writ of God Writ Large. God said to Go Forth to Kick Arse and Chew Cud Whilst Being All Out of Cud.
In conclusion: the mid east is fucked as always and will remain so until enough people kill each other so that the survivors get tired of it.
finallyhappy: I dunno. What good would dying in jail do anybody? It’d even be hard to sell his organs for cash after death since they’re a bit on the aged side. Perhaps he could get out in the fresh air and pull an oar on Rush’s sail barge or something.
I have slapped my troubles away, just not with the Slap-Chop.
Re: Steve Jobs. Seriously, with the “DUH!” Not only did his money help him get a new liver faster, but doesn’t he have enough money to get someone to figure out how to grow one for him in a goddamn petri dish?
ManchuCandidate: The problem with Teh Schadenfreude is sometimes it can be premature and really come back and bite you on the ass:
http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5260/13973645.jpg
That one obviously left a mark.
Insert Shammy telling his best ‘He who laughs last, laughs…’ joke here.
ManchuCandidate: Vince told me “my life is going to be exciting now”. I suppose your happy Clapton gave up the helicopter seat to Stevie Ray Vaughn too.