sanford and sins

Tom Davis Credits Jenny Sanford With Having Achieved Tom Davis-Like Power

Mark Sanford! You might remember this guy from a few days ago, when he cruelly Michael Jackson ex machina’ed what was supposed to be the Summer of Becton. His insane emails were of a more pornographic persuasion than those of Becton, so out of obligation to democracy, all of America’s GChat statuses then changed to reference Sanford. Alas! Tables turned again, with Michael Jackson playing the role of “Michael Jackson,” and everyone forgot about Mark Sanford and his Argentinian inamorata. That about brings us up to speed, to today, when Sanford and Sons and Wife took separate cars to some Faulknerian Camp David, which is, according to Sanford, symbolic of why Sanford is not resigning from his governorship or his marriage. In fact, according to a one “Tom Davis,” who controls all South Carolina politics from his Michael Crichton-themed masturbatorium under Sanford’s porch, SC lawmakers are looking to Jenny Sanford for clues about how angry they should be, at Mark, for cheating. 

So reports The State, MVP news source in all this:

The governor’s efforts to stay in office appear, in the minds of some lawmakers, to hinge in part on his ability to salvage his marriage. While several critics wants a criminal probe and others want him to step down, reconciling with the first lady does have sway among legislators.

“That’s almost become a proxy for how some are looking at this. They’re looking at Jenny,” said state Sen. Tom Davis, a Beaufort Republican and former Sanford chief of staff. “In large measure, it depends on how things work and how people see things are working out between the governor and first lady.”

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In other words, Mark Sanford will have to make this up to the state of South Carolina by convincing his wife, a metonym, to continue to have sex with him, despite forgoing previous opportunities of this sort in favor of gorging himself on Italian food in South America with one of its sexy nationals.

[The State]

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About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

Hola wonkerados.

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75 comments

  1. rambone

    This is far too much power for any one woman to wield.

    I respectfully suggest that Mrs. Sanford form some sort of triumvirate, perhaps with ‘Lizabeth and Aunt Esther.

  2. memzilla

    G-d Awmighty, why didn’t we let this state secede the first time they tried it.

    Is there any precedent for throwing a state out of the Union because it just statistically endumbens the whole rest of the country?

  3. x111e7thst

    As Jenny is, presumably, a component of South Carolina or at least of the population thereof, I hold her to be a synecdoche as well. And Mark is a total pig for wantonly seeking to fuck rhetorical figures of speech as well as his Argentinean hottie all in order to maintain what is left of his grip on political power.

  4. germansteel

    concerning the Argentinian firecracker: I’d hit it.

    Definitely.

    She’s sparkin’ hawt.

  5. El Pinche

    It’s an easy road to the whitehouse (Sanford/Pawlenty 2012?) if Mr. and Mrs. Sanford and the mistress make a three-way sex-tape.

  6. L.A. Trash

    I think the editors of Wonkette need to get a little action because the number of masturbation references in posts these days is out of control. Every time I read a post I’m painted a picture of some middle-aged white man frantically masturbating in some dungeon, which makes me want to stop following politics for good. Which is maybe the point?

  7. chascates

    I thought she was out of the picture because Sanford picked himself up like some old dead King of the Desert Places and built hisself up again amen.

  8. S.Luggo

    Evidently Newell is your tutor.
    An ivy league education is flimsy thing. “Drink deeply etc.”
    - “ex machina”, roughly, from heaven [from the device in ancient Greek drama used to lower a god onto the stage]
    - Metonym means symbol (or symbolic of)
    - Inamorata – Italian word for a female lover. Spanish word for lobbyist.

  9. jasper f. krone

    Jenny, I’ve got your number.

    Does anyone find strange the “I’m-King-David-I-will-kill-your-husband” angle? Is this the “biblical” face he’d like really like to present? If I were a disgraced philandering politician, I would shy away from references to cuckolding biblical kings. such as.

  10. S.Luggo

    “In large measure, it depends on how things work and how people see things are working out between the governor and first lady.”
    After those passionate, Family Values emails, the second lady.

    Jenny, two words: Lorena Bobbitt.
    Also, the Jensu Miracle Knives. Order now.

  11. dijetlo

    [re=350128]S.Luggo[/re]:Inamorata – Italian word for a female lover. Spanish word for lobbyist.
    A furrin’ double entendre? On Wonkette? We’re the people who eco-drive and bitch when there’s no alt text and this woman is springing that shit on us? The end times are upon as friends, get your shit packed, the rapture imminent.
    The woman must be demonic. She posts on Sunday so we know she blasphemes.
    I like her already.

  12. shortsshortsshorts

    THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. Wonkette is supposed to hold the moral fiber we are so desperate to get our hands on, from China.

    It’s the good shit, everyone. HOWEVER posting anything about Mrs. Sanford deletes any credibility, as she is a fawn of undeniable weirdness.

    SHAME ON YOU. Assfucking.

  13. jasper f. krone

    [re=350129]jasper f. krone[/re]: all hail the alt-text. I was NOT trying to upstage Juli.

    Thank you.

  14. dijetlo

    [re=350129]jasper f. krone[/re]: Did you catch how he went to the OT? What was he thinking! “Let he who is without sin…” Jeebus put it in the bible just for this kind of moment and Brother Mark decides to go to Samuel with that shit? You know if it doesn’t work, Dawg, we got stone you and the Hottie to death, are you sure you want to go down this path, Brother Mark?
    No wonder he got caught, he’s an idiot.

  15. S.Luggo

    [re=350131]dijetlo[/re]: “The woman must be demonic.” She got the crazy after reading Lynn Cheney’s romain-a-clef. (The rest of younz, look it up.) Ome more reason for Argentina to close trade with Wyoming.

  16. Neilist

    I always feel sorry for the wife in a situation like this.

    “Feeling sorry” translating as “Would Be Prepared To Have Savage Cougar Sex On Her Husband’s Official Desk,” if you know what I mean.

    Starting with the Mrs. Senator Vitter, and working my way through the pack.

  17. Neilist

    [re=350137]Neilist[/re]: Oh, I forgot to add: Anal.

    Anal only.

    Out of respect for the Grand Old Party.

  18. springfield_meltdown

    Jenny threw him under a bus by misdirecting the press about where the governor was and not standing by him at the news conference.

    She is awesome.

  19. S.Luggo

    [re=350127]chascates[/re]:
    David offed Bathsheba’s spouse to legitamize his booty call. Then he wept tears, salty S.C. tears. Then he recalculated his run for president. It’s in the Bible.

  20. S.Luggo

    [re=350140]springfield_meltdown[/re]: No, she perpetuated the lie that Marky-Mark was on the Appalachian Trail, gathering in his cotton apron nuts and wild blue berries.

  21. ALIVE!

    I don’t get this. The job of a sitting governor depends on how his marriage works out? This isn’t really MTV’s The Real World in D.C.?

  22. hockeymom

    [re=350146]19kevin8[/re]: my son and all his friends are going crazy on FB about Billy Mays. Apparently, he’s huge with the 6/7th graders.
    Weird.
    (also, sad….50 is not that old).

  23. S.Luggo

    Mark Sanford + Tom Davis = _____ + ______.
    No Old Testament referencea, please. Seriously. Think of the children.

  24. Joshua Norton

    [re=350146]19kevin8[/re]: I know. I’ve draped black crepe over my box of Oxyclean.

  25. Joshua Norton

    [re=350147]hockeymom[/re]: You’re not old until Willard Scott announces your birthday on the Today Show.

  26. lmj

    This weird Kremlinesque inner-sanctum secret maneuverings stuff through the spouse and other discreet insiders is why the reactionaries are the all Americans. This is the way it always has been and should be. Keep the rabble out of the better peoples’ secret scheming.

    Everyone knows that Dolly Madison ruled her little Jimmy’s White House with a cheery, but iron, fist. If Abigail sassed you with her un-come-backable sass at a WH dinner, stick a fork in you, you were done. Jefferson’s pathetically failed Communist Democrat administration was really run by newspaper scandalmongering secretly run by…. the Black Sally herself. We won the civil war because the crazy Lincoln wife gave the OK to go Medieval on them rebel fools.

    And then… there was… Nancy. And on the darker side, the Clnton era failed because the Big Dawg would not defer to Hillary’s Utopian Despotic Plans.

    When Jenny is the secret president, everything will run well. She will take over where Michelle leaves off. (But I prefer Michelle, with whom I myself am in Wuv)

    Sanford is tragic, being in sparky Wuv, having to beg his iron wife for lovey-time with his beloved Mistress and being turned down. It is sad for him, but a great empire must be run this way.

  27. lmj

    Willard Scott is another member of the inner sanctum. All eyes watch his weathercasts and centenarian birthday wishes for occult secret signals.

  28. spraklepeapooh

    There is hope that this could be an old-fashioned Republican sex scandal after all– because the tango is not the only popular sexy activity in Argentina; people there are also obsessed with gnomes! It’s true; the BBC did a story about it a couple of years ago. Someone should ask the mistress’s doorman if she loves gnomes. Or maybe Sanford never had sex with her and he’s covering up the hot gnome sex. I’m hoping for YouTube videos.

  29. hockeymom

    I wonder how closely Elizabeth Edwards is watching all of this. Some former staffer of John’s is shopping a book and claiming there’s a sex-tape of John and his maybe-baby momma.
    Ick.

  30. hobospacejunkie

    [re=350125]L.A. Trash[/re]: Your complaint implies that one masturbates only when one is not able to find a sex partner. Some folks just like to beat it, partner or no.

    [re=350128]S.Luggo[/re]: Inamorata – Italian word for a female lover. Spanish word for lobbyist. Lies! All lies!

    [re=350129]jasper f. krone[/re]: Sanford’s desperate playing of the OT card is indeed strange, as it suggests the people of SC worship the misanthropic god of the OT, rather than the meek-loving, love-thy-neighbor faggy Jesus of the NT. They smell blood and the only thing that will put them off the scent is sexy time between the governor and his ball-busting wife.

  31. lmj

    [re=350134]dijetlo[/re]: Cripes, he went with Samuel? I didn’t realize that. If things get really bad, our Godly rulers might start quoting Judges. In which case, I advise everyone to get their guns and ammo, bottled water and post-nuke survival gear, hermetically sealed bins of grain, lay down the minefield and hunker down in their personal bunkers because we will be headed for Road Warrior territory.

  32. El Pinche

    [re=350154]spraklepeapooh[/re]: I’d kill for an ounce of pure gnome semen. you should see the dirty jobs episode of that. once you milk a man-gnome, he’s your friend for life.

  33. desertwind

    Anybody here seen “The Minister’s Wife” (brilliant Brit political revenge series)?

    Methinks Jenny will be runnin’ for Gubner in ’12.

    You heard it here first.

  34. donner_froh

    Will this never end. First Sarah Palin’s hotmail account is “hacked” with embarrassing emails published, now it is the account of Sanford’s hottie.

    Republicans + Hotmail = Endless laughs.

  35. NYNYNY

    [re=350128]S.Luggo[/re]: Methinks the lady doth wish to leave Wonkette and completeth her MFA degree TOO much.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    “gorging himself on Italian food” = “what the hell is the complaint? Okay, bye bye.”

  37. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I need to find a boss who lets me keep my job no matter how badly I do it as long as I can convince some women that her self esteem is so low that she might as well stick around with me even if I treat her as dirt.

    Oh, and I have to note that I loved Tom Davis’ work with Sen. Franken.

  38. ms_mcgee

    From AP – Jenny Sanford recalled how her husband repeatedly asked permission to visit his lover in the months after she discovered his affair. She told AP:

    “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

    Not from AP: Jesus Christ, woman. He’s BEGGING to see another woman, otherwise known as a subtle hint that it’s ov-ah. Taking away his video games and grounding him is not going to bring him back.

  39. chascates

    [re=350169]ms_mcgee[/re]: I wondered why she didn’t add ‘no phone calls, email, IM, nada. It’s me only or it’s over.’

  40. Extemporanus

    [re=350116]Mr Blifil[/re]: LO and BEHOLD!

    Your prayers from a previous post have been answered!

    And to repeat a portion of my reply from the aforementioned previous post: When it comes to K-Lo’s steaming entrails, you’re on your own.

  41. Real Lane not "

    Please…
    Jenny’s from Chicago & Marky Mark’s from South Florida, his accent and pedigree is as fake as Bushy’s.

  42. showmeonthedoll

    [re=350152]lmj[/re]: Jenny Sanford is from Winnetka, which is a well-known Hell Mouth for rich suburban WASPS.

    Also from Winnetka: Donald Rumsfeld.

    Two words: DEMON WASPS.

  43. showmeonthedoll

    Let us pursue this analogy between Sparkin’ Mark and King David:

    His comparison presumably means that his Argentinian mistress is Bathsheeba. David arranged for his throne to be inherited by his favorite son, Solomon, who was from Bathsheeba.

    David had at least 18 sons by 8 wives and various concubines. He killed at least one of his sons (Absalom). He also liked to exterminate the people he conquered.

  44. finallyhappy

    [re=350168]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: yeah, me too. I thought he’d be working in Minnesota but who knew.

  45. skyinator

    [re=350147]hockeymom[/re]: Ditto. My tween never heard of Ed, Farrah, or Michael (except for the “Bad” spoof video by Weird Al Yankovic) but became completely unhinged when Billy May’s death was announced. The power of advertising I guess. As for me, I putting up a Jenny Sanford poster on my wall as we speak! Girlfriend!!!!

  46. Real Lane not "

    Showme,
    Jenny’s not a WASP, she’s a Cath-O-Lick (my Gran’s pronunciation), allthough she probably converted to the more politically palatable
    ‘Piscopalian.

  47. Come here a minute

    This won’t be over until Mark Sanford (as Joseph Cotten) saves Jenny from a storm on the rocky Argentine coast. (What, you’ve never seen “Portrait of Jennie”?)

  48. hobospacejunkie

    So when Jenny from Winnetka inevitably runs to replace her husband as governor she’ll be the Sonia Gandhi of South Carolina.

  49. showmeonthedoll

    Jenny from Winnetka’s grandfather started the Skil Tool company, which might explain why she is going to take back her wayward husband. She knows from tools. Those sinews on her neck are strung so taught that I think her jaw is unable to unclench. It is probably not the only part of her that is snapped shut … once she produced her four Tool heirs.

  50. bitchincamaro

    Jenny: Uh, let’s see. If I throw you out, like the trash that you are, I’m out of the fancy governor’s mansion. If I agree to continue to fake-live with you, all I have to do is work on my tan lines. Lemme’ think about this.

  51. 4tehlulz

    [re=350185]showmeonthedoll[/re]: Kinda puts a new spin on DRILL BABY DRILL, doesn’t it?

  52. Unlearned Hand

    I think Honduras has shown us the way. Jenny Sanford should collude with the state Supreme Court, the SC National Guard and the legislature to arrest her husband and deport him to Costa Rica. Or, given the limited geographical knowledge of most South Carolinians, to Alabama.

    Then, she purges her opponents and forms an alliance with Pinochet’s corpse to rid the Americans of Communism.

  53. Mahousu

    [re=350134]dijetlo[/re]: The advantage of the OT is that if it does work, he gets to keep both of them. Why he’d want to, I don’t know, but maybe he just needed more sons to work the farm.

    I was a little surprised to find out he’s Episcopalian. That should mean that he addresses his problems by sitting around the mansion, drinking cocktails and making bitter remarks. Instead he writes love letters and jets off to Argentina. He must have been a lapsed French Catholic in another life.

  54. TGY

    This woman is like a Roman Sybil, consulted by the great (or just about damned anybody) before they embark on a venture. And her prophecies seem about as obscure.

  55. WideStance

    [re=350144]ALIVE![/re]: It’s brilliant in a way that makes me wonder if Karl Rove is involved.

    Sanford’s former chief of staff defines what Sanford must do to remain governor. Without questioning the rationale for Tom Davis’ criterion or scrutinizing the source of the announcement, a nation of gossipmongers breathlessly watches to see whether the marriage can be resuscitated and Sanford’s political career thereby salvaged.

  56. Meaux

    “Sanford and sins” tag? Nice work, Juli! Also, thank you for using “metonym” in a sentence. Did you lose a bet to an English major or something?

  57. BlueStateLibtard

    Why didn’t/doesn’t Jenny Sanford just run for governor herself? Apparently, she was running the whole show, and Sanford has more than adequately shown himself to have the brains of a hamster. Or is it illegal for women in South Carolina to run for office? or to vote?

  58. PsycGirl

    After checking out the eyebrows on the missus and the mistress, I think Susan Boyle better watch out.

  59. A Better American Than YOU

    To paraphrase another resident of the Palmetto State: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to successfully find the Appalachian Trail so because, uh, some, Republicans out there in our nation don’t have maps so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and their mamas who have Skilsaws aimed at their husbands’ tentacles.”

  60. sezme

    Shouldn’t Senator Tom Davis be concentrating on getting Al Franken seated in the Senate? Or is it no longer the Al Franken decade?

    Also, Juli: you are turning into a Wonkette powerhouse. Me likey!

  61. AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=350128]S.Luggo[/re]:

    The Italian word is actually innamorata (two n’s). Also.

  62. showmeonthedoll

    [re=350278]PsycGirl[/re]: Susan Boyle: age 48 but looks 68. Jenny from Winnetka: age 47 but looks 57. This is what happens when you’ve never been kissed.

    [re=350181]Real Lane not “[/re]: Jenny from Winnetka being a Papist: only having sex for the purpose of procreation will age you prematurely.

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