Wonkette
The very best kind of reader mail comes from people who find some thing you wrote months ago and assume you will know exactly what has offended them so much when they write to complain. “How dare you say that thing about Hillary Clinton,” or “Here’s a tip — stick your head up a dead man’s arse.” Not helpful, people! We need context. So, two questions for the reader of the following email: was there a particular story that inflamed you so much? And was there anybody in particular you wanted to direct this complaint to?
Also, we have it on good authority that Wonkette’s tits are pretty goddamned fluffy these days.
Subject: protip!
From: Lonely Stoner to tips
you’re all a bunch of weak individuals that rely on the government for safety.
for evolution’s sake i hope the whole lot of liberals are sucked away in a vortex.
stop hanging on wonkette’s floppy tits and be a fucking man.
Maybe this was about all those Trig photos? Oh hell, who knows.
Mmmm floppy tits…
A vortex of what? Details, man, details.
I’m surprised a lonely stoner would be able to summon so much hate about anything so abstract, whatever it is.
Oh, this is how the game is played:
- You’re all a bunch of weak individuals that rely on the government for safety…at Walmart.
- For evolution’s sake i hope the whole lot of liberals are sucked away in a vortex…at Walmart.
- Stop hanging on wonkette’s floppy tits and be a fucking man…at Walmart.
Nothin’ wrong with floppy. That’s kind of a compliment where I’m from.
I, for one, love those floppy windsocks, Comrade Wonkette. Keep up the good work.
Considering the vulgarity of the last line, I’m a little disappointed by the “individuals” that starts the letter off. Come on–can’t you do better than that?
I’ll be a fucking man as soon as my sex-change operation is over. Also.
I’m stumped but I’m willing to try the vortex sucking thing.
How fluffy?
Liz?
Could that tip be the handiwork of Dr. William Krystal?
Well, he believes in evolution and science… so I don’t think it’s a Trig / Jindall 2012 supporter.
TITS or GTFO!
Obviously written by a Sanford Republican. This is a thinly veiled subliminal message to “get yourself some hanging tits (put on your man chest) and start fucking men.”
Also talk of “sucking” and “vortex” (man-ginas?) is revelatory.
Truth ftw.
Ken Layne’s tits are NOT floppy.
Those are Jim’s. Jesus christ.
Dear Sir or Madam,
You may be right about that.
Yours truly,
JN
Oh, this is how the game is played:
- You’re all a bunch of weak individuals that rely on the government for safety…except in bed.
- For evolution’s sake i hope the whole lot of liberals are sucked away in a vortex…except in bed.
- Stop hanging on wonkette’s floppy tits and be a fucking man…except in bed.
I didn’t think there could be room to spare on Wonkette’s teats, what with Chuck Grassley being all up in that business.
How’s THAT for a visual?
its a good thing,he believes in r’Evolution…progress I say,also!!
Those tits supply gin and I will continue to hang on to them.
Good thing that stud doesn’t depend on the military or police for safety or anything…
for evolution’s sake… i’ve been in the vortex 3 times already. I need OJ. guess i could swing from some tits for a while. if they’re in the shade. whatevs.
Speed Ball: Looks quite likely to be a paultard who got pissed over Wonkette pissing on The Paul Beast. (or the Daily Paul, or whatever it was.)
Hey… I’m a fucking man… and I’ve had my share of sucking… is he talking about me..????
Sounds like Mr. Gibson has soured on your sugar tits. Are you a Jew?
Dear Protip,
It’s called an “Uppercase Letter.”
We start sentences with them.
-Your friends at Wonkette.
Speaking of weak — I’ll bet y’all get more vitriolic fan mail than that.
The Vortex–is that the same as “the tightening of sphincters”?
A Better American Than YOU: I thought the appropriate addition was “in bed after sex”, or am I just thinking about fortune cookie fortunes?
“…you’re all a bunch of weak individuals that rely on the government for safety.” Er, exactly. The first job of ANY government is to protect the people who are paying for the government. Why else would we spend millions and billions on hot-air politicians and the military industrial complex? And this is the kind of guy who’s always the first to say that the military is personally PROTECTING your ass, your safety and your freedom.
Ah, the famous “vortex” theory of evolution is going mainstream! It probably jives with the fossil record a little better than creationism does. Looking forward to the “liberal vortex” in 2010!
Weakness, floppiness, fluffiness and manliness poll:
Pope Ken?
Jim N?
Sara S?
Intern Riley?
I got sucked away in a vortex in Sedona when I was a hippy once! It was like WOW and evolutionary, man, but then my tits got all floppy. How’d that chump know that?
I thought wingnuts didn’t believe in evolution?
“for evolution’s sake i hope the whole lot of liberals are sucked away in a vortex. ”
I love how conservatives only believe in social darwinism and not any of the other mechanics.
This is na Paultard, extreme libertarian version. Next he’ll be off yelling at herd animals that they are weak individuals who rely on the herd for protection, and it will be better for evolution if they would let go of the floppy udders of herd life and go off on their own, as individuals, and fight the lions one on one.
All forms of mutual cooperation and collectivism apparently being thought weak, evil, and counter-eloveutionary by this set.
All this usually indicates an angry outcast narcissist who was given a few swirlies in high school and thrown in a few trash cans.
So, as we evolve, vortexes become more numerous. Naturally.
As a non-gendered trolling online identity, I am most offended.
Maybe Lonely Stoner thought he was e-mailing a politician?
Protip:
1. Stop living above your parents’ garage.
2. No more huffing the bathroom cleanser.
3. Appalachian Trail.
Hey! As a woman with increasingly floppy tits, I resent your male-centric bashing.
Oh, yeah. Almost forgot.
4. http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/6/6a/Protip.jpg
Min: Post?
Dude, that “Lonely Stoner” song is the biggest POS I have ever heard. Someone please explain it to me, because I don’t fucking get it. Obviously this person has very classy and discriminating taste. Gimme a love song to a rat any day, that’s more my jams.
Hey, he knows the difference between “your” and “you’re,” which is way more than the average Paultard or wingnut. Nominate him for 2012, Republicans! You’re not likely to find anyone smarter.
If he keeps talking like that, I’ll just spin around really fast and morph into Dee Snyder:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-jsgousZcA
That’ll show ‘em!
so, can i logically infer, that lonely stoner considers themselves a “fucking man?” and in turn note that, to be a “fucking man” is to be a lonely stoner? if this is the case it’s the best news for my self-esteem in ages!
A Better American Than YOU: MostlyHarmless: My turn.
- You’re all a bunch of weak individuals that rely on the government for safety…except in Argentina.
- For evolution’s sake i hope the whole lot of liberals are sucked away in a vortex…except in Argentina.
- Stop hanging on wonkette’s floppy tits and be a fucking man…except in Argentina.
And for extras credit: marriage is between a man and a women and another from Argentina.
Maybe he’s thinks of himself as a pro and feels like handing out generic free tips today. Who knows indeed.
So, did he name himself Lonely Stoner, or did someone — a friend, mayhap — hang that moniker on him, and either way, does he — it is a he, isn’t it? Sounds like a he — does he know why?
Anyway, if he wasn’t so lonely or stoned, he’d know that floppy tits are obsolete. It’s all compact tits, digitized tits, and single-suck downloads these days.
Im curious to know what kind of person puts wonkettes tits and Chuckie Grassley in the same sentence. Thanks for the visuals, now I know what its like to be a sex worker in China.
Dear Wonkette:
I hate you. Die.
Love,
Bunny
AJSOL: Point well made, but go to hell for ruining my weekend. Some things are best left unsaid.
Evolution is a socialist concept.(survival of the fittest) Stoner must have been referring to intelligently designed tits.
Check a look at that email address, does it end in alaska.gov?
Native of SL UT: I dare you to say that to someone who escaped from Argentina, you unbelieveable dickwad. Because I know some of them, and that sort of thing really pisses me the fuck off.
I think that is for Nate Silver.
I suggest we introduce this here fella to LIZ Becton because they both obviously need to get laid and how.
Bitsy Becton does not appreciate it when men with floppy tits take all sorts of liberties with her name!
A Better American Than YOU: So sorry. Let me just go ahead and ruin your whole damn week then and give you a really disgusting visual….
Sarah Palin, Wonkette windsocks and Liz Becton. Go ahead, let your imagination run free. That should have you gagging until at least Tuesday.
Speaking of “But What Does This Even ‘Mean’?”, our Contessa de Noonie: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124596573543456401.html
He’s a conservative AND he believes in evolution?
That is unpossible!
AJSOL: Well at least Linda Tripp (Lizzie Tripp Becton’s older sister) wasn’t included in the collective image.
Maybe it’s not the commentators but maybe it’s the fucked up way WONKETTE tries to publish an endless stream of shit. Who the hell cares when somebody writes whatever on this stupid site? What the hell does WONKETTE wonk anyway? Just the same old dumbassed comments from the same old dumbass people.
Makeithurt: it doesn’t hurt. try again. harder this time.
harder, i said. make it hurt.
Makeithurt:
What does Wonkette wonk? Wtf is this, Carnap and Heidegger?
Makeithurt: That’s an unfair characterization. Wonkette doesn’t “try” to publish an endless stream of shit, it succeeds completely.
“So, two questions for the reader of the following email”
I think you mean the writer.
At any rate, the American people demand to see Wonkette’s floppy tits!
Well if you must know, Wonkette is currentily wonking Levi Johnson in an undisclosed location in Buenos Aires.
Shep Smith sympathizes with you, wonkette
As a possessor of floppy tits, I don’t see what the gentleman’s problem is.
facehead: Weirdly, that’s pretty much my dissertation.
I would love to get sucked away in a vortex.
@timmy_the_tooth: I wouldn’t. I’ve seen Zardoz, and it doesn’t end well.
I think he’s suggesting the original Wonkette, who he just heard about, either (1) have a sex change, or (2) go write for a real man’s magazine.
GreatOldOnesParty: Was that Orwell? Said you could flummox a literate revolutionary set just by removing upper case from all typewriters. They would never begin a sentence improperly, so they would never begin a sentence. It’s hard to write blogs without sentences.
Makeithurt: Kettle, Mr. Pot is on line 2.
protip: no one reads protips.
Lonely? Sadly, he ignores the second set of invisible cheetoh Fingerprints on his keyboard.
Dude, I was sitting in the basement of my mom’s home, and I saw the dryer just spinning man, and I thought, fuck, its all spinning out of control man. Then I remembered I was all Johnny in the basement mixin up the medicine, then I was surfin, man, like surfin the web and Sara was talking to me, dude and then and her tits were gone all Dali on me man.
Lonely Stoner
Naked Bunny with a Whip: There is no try. There is only poo.
I’m impressed that he wrote “you’re” instead of the more common and usually incorrect “your.” Good on ya, Lonely Stoner boy.
I just don’t get why hanging on tits isn’t manly. Sounds like a great sport combining windsurfing and sexual foreplay. And why would you use the verb ‘hang’ for tits while using ’suck’ for vortex? Why not suck on tits and hang out in a vortex? What’s a vortex, anyway
Makeithurt:
Who the hell cares when somebody writes whatever on this stupid site?
The rest of us are just trolling for anonymous sex in public mens rooms or praying for the opportunity to wank it on a jet bound for the Bone Us Areas of the Argentine (preferably in first class where they provide the hand cream and wipeys). Teach us more of this “Caring” thing you’ve invented. It sounds like something Pumas do, did it cause you to grow lady parts? Picsplz
What the hell does WONKETTE wonk anyway?
snark: verbal ingenuineness that is brief, subtle, yet quite stabbing. snark is often marked by deep creativity & use of psychological attack. It employs coldbloodedness and is best served unprovoked.
4tehlulz:
Irony is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Spray Starch, also.
(count beat one, beat two, beat three)
Take my Argentine mistress, … please.
My Alz-hammered father-in-law just waltzed through with my son’s boxers pulled on over his pajamas and wearing my Vermont baseball cap. Funny, yes, but not vortex/floppy-tit funny.
If you took the capital “W” in “Wonkette” and drew a couple of nipples on the bottom, wouldn’t that give you kind of a floppy-tits logo? Actually I think they would be more pointy. Depends on the font I guess.
As for being sucked (away) in a Vortex, I think he might be referring to this, since Volkswagens are well-known hippie “liberal” cars.
Dear Protip:
Please enjoy this set of hand-carved Argentinian Gaucho balls.
WhatTheHeck: Too funny!
Wow–I just realized that I haven’t seen any floppy tits in a long while. I’ve got to get out of LA more…
Thanks, Stoner!
Makeithurt: What in the hell does a Wonkette Wonk
if Chip Reid could chuck his fucking wood?
Sucked OFF, sucked OFF, not AWAY….jeez
I’m assuming you’re a lonely stoner because the rest of the stoners think you’re some kind of old douchesak that’s been refilled with used enema water?
Makeithurt: We are an elite cadre of dumbasses.
Also, lonely stoners living in glass basements shouldn’t throw meth or whatever.
L.S.M.F.T.