So you hate America? Then you must love soccer! Soccer, or “foot-ball” in Latin, is a game Americans force their children to play (badly) for a few years before they graduate to “real sports,” such as driving to Checkers in Ford F-350s while drinking a Big Gulp of chocolate sauce. Still, not that many people noticed the other day when the “meh” United States men’s soccer team defeated #1-in-the-world, 35-games-unbeaten Spain, 2-0, in a fake tournament in South Africa, where every attendee in every stadium blows annoying as hell Tribal Horns for every second of every game, THEY REALLY NEED TO STOP THAT, anyway: Gary Schmitt, a conservative hero at the American Enterprise Institute, wrote a reaction to the upset and ended with his explanation for why Americans don’t get into soccer like the rest of the world does: because the rest of the word hates fairness and freedom and Justice, which play no role in this evil, fraudulent sport.
Schmitt notes accurately that on the whole, Spain probably played better against the United States, or at least had more opportunities to score. But they didn’t score, and the ability to finish is a big part of what determines whether a team plays “well” on any given day, right?
WRONG. Latin America and Yurp are fags!
For sure, there may be a number of reasons that is the case but my suspicion is that the so-called “beautiful game” is not so beautiful to American sensibilities. We like, as good small “d” democrats, our underdogs for sure but we also still expect folks in the end to get their just desert. And, in sports, that means excellence should prevail. Of course, the fact that is often not the case when it comes to soccer may be precisely the reason the sport is so popular in the countries of Latin America and Europe.
Harumph! And that is Gary Schmitt’s decisive take on “soccer.” Next?
The Not-so-beautiful Game [The Enterprise Blog via Matt Yglesias]
{ 86 comments }
So someone wasted an essay on this? Puh-leeze!
is that a cheerleader or a random crazy-person?
Score!!
So Schmitthead was angry the US beat the Soviets in the ’80 Olympics. Fuck him.
“just desert?” Gobi a sweetie and correct your spelling, Schmitt. Also, where’s your mom, Governor Palin?
Excellence should prevail, that’s why when the Patriots went 18-1 two seasons ago all of American stopped watching football.
Is she wearing a fake beard or what?
Whatta retard. As if one baseball team can’t beat another in a single game, with the possible exception of one or two teams of losers. Not naming names. This is why they play the World SERIES.
What kind of US American pooh poohs a giant upset WIN for US America? I’m betting he cried when the USSR lost to US Americah at Lake Placid in 1980 (aka The Miracle On Ice) because the USSR’s “amateurs” showed that excellence should ALWAYS prevail.
Gary Schmidt sounds a lot like a fucking douchesack NY Yankee fan to me.
[re=349571]Shadowfax[/re]:
Damn you!! Jinx!!
You know America hates an underdog, like for example the 13 colonies vs. the British Empire. Duh Brittts wuz robbed!
So what, we only love “underdogs” if they have an insanely high payroll and after having won, will become a new power franchise, i.e. RedSox? Sounds about right. (Boo sox!!)
Wonkette, this has gone too far. Normally I accept your reports of wacky crazies without question but this time I fear you must be fucking with me.
Spain lost because they’re worried President McCain will break off all diplomatic relations again.
I read his little ‘essay’ and I could not understand what this bitter shiny headed man is talking about. Did his head get lodged in some sort of high powered suction device? Oh, he is saying soccer is a game of socialism. of course.
Cristiano Ronaldo, the world player of the year, was named after Ronald Reagan. Why does Gary Schmitt hate Reagan?
Blog.american.com? Was fatuous.twerp.dillweed.org already taken?
“[T]he team that deserves to win doesn’t.” Awww. Whiner. Find yourself getting kicked out of your kids’ soccer games a lot, Gary?
As a true American I agree with Schmitt and that’s why I can’t stand the movie ‘Hoosiers’.
What does this “just deserts” have to with the people in Las Vegas casinos “still humping the American Dream,” as Hunter Thompson put it? Wish-thinking is as American as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Ford F-350 Super Duties, driven to the mall.
[re=349572]SayItWithWookies[/re]: fail
[re=349571]Shadowfax[/re]: He had money on the Soviets and to this day harbors a grudge against Al Michaels.
“we also still expect folks in the end to get their just desert…that means excellence should prevail.” he said while fiercely undulating on Adam Smith’s unseen hand. “The fact that I am ensconced in this “think tank” and paid well to write about the short comings of sports and countries I know little about is proof of the superiority of our Way of Life.”
Yes, because in American sport, the better you do leads only to more success. That’s why the champions get first draft pick, have no salary cap and a larger roster than the losing teams. And the worst teams get relegated to a lower division. Oh wait…
Breathless agogary that even a conservatard could find something wrong w/team USA winning this game of foooot-ball!! But then there ya go: the dirty messicans LIKE it so it must be wrong. The end.
The whole “game” of footsoccer was invented ONLY to act as a way of bringing about the birth of the Aryan god that is David Beckham Spice. They can put it away now that he broke his pinky toes or whatever.
Or the terrists win, also.
What? They can see my ‘small D’ all the way over at AIE? Must not be so small, afterall. Hrumphh.
It is time to take a stance against ________. ________ is just NOT FUCKIN’ AMERICAN, at all.
What I don’t like about “Le Fut” : players fake and exxagerate injuries WAY too much, it annoys the hell out of me to see a player holding his ankle after being knocked down, ostensibly writhing in pain, and then as soon as the ref blows the whistle he gets up and we all know he was full of shit.
And why is this? Because Americans have real health care. If the socialists get hurt, they flaunt it and even fake it, because it is their way of saying “WE GOT HEALTH CARE FOR ALL BITCH!” Whereas we real Americans get hurt and have to hide it, because that is what God wanted, and people with medical problems deserve it and should be ashamed and bankrupt.
It’s a good thing underdogs never win games in hockey, football, or basketball right? The Clippers were 0-82 last year, right?
He’s right. No one loves an upset. When the Red Sox were down 3-0 to the Yanks, they should have just given it up. No need to bust all those odds and win four straight. And when Nadal lost at the French Open…Meh. And, really, Muhammad Ali beating Sonny Liston. Who cares if you shook up the world?
[re=349575]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hey. As a non-douchesack Yankee fan, I resent the implication that Gary Schmitt is ONE OF US.
I get it! Like when George “underdog” Bush won the 2000 election fairly, on account of his excellence!
When I was a kid, my mother would farm me out during summer to “summer camp”, they used to force soccer down our throats when all we really wanted to do was go up the high school girl councilors with fake injuries and get treated. For a dork like me, that was heaven. Now every time I see soccer played on TV I get fake injuries, it has ruined me for life….
Don’t you all see what Schmitt is doing here? Who is a perennial powerhouse in World/Latin American soccer? Argentina, that’s who. And who should bear the brunt of righteous, excellence-revering, American wrath? Wake up, sheeple!! You’re seeing the Birth of a Meme!
In a game just ended in the desert, it was American Enterprise Institute 0, Rest of the World 5.
And this is why Watford wins the Premier League every year instead of Manchester United and is why my adult/rec/club team (word to Danish Dynamite!) will hoist the World Cup Trophy in S. Africa next summer. Fuck this guy.
Gary Schmitt is just all whiny and bitchy because the knowledge that he will never get to lick the sweat off Cristiano Ronaldo’s rippling abs burns him like a red hot knife.
[re=349613]magic titty[/re]:
I don’t know how you guys stomach Rudy as the “greatest” Yankee Fan evah.
what a dick. They can go on and on about waterboarding, but when they diss on the futbol that’s where I draw the line. Not a sport where excellence prevails? WTF: football has a bunch of guys covered in all sorts of pads and protection because they are too wussie to be men. baseball requires you to inject yourself with the steroids so that you can stand around for a while, wave to fans, and then hit a ball a few times a game. basketball, well, has the Lakers.
Futbol has a bunch of hot boys in little more than shorts passing a ball w/o use of their upper limbs, around a huge pitch, requiring them to run miles and miles CONTINUOUSLY for 45 min. and then they do it again. Its simplicity makes it the ultimate sport of excellence. Fine: America does not deserve soccer. It deserves neocons.
[re=349609]facehead[/re]: This post is epic win. WIN, I tells ya’.
Thanks to wonkette’s vigilance, everyday I have a new reason to hate conservatives. Keep up the good work, wonkette editors. I’m vacuuming the house (with the three cats living in it and in the midst of the Dust Bowl) for the first time in six months or so, and need fresh rage to keep me going.
[re=349627]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Go Mets?
What’s wrong with y’all. Can’t you see that Soccer, or as the rest of the world calls it football, is a fag sport? It’s true, a steady diet of orange slices as a kid is doubtless to turn you gay. Real Americans play a sport called baseball. It’s a game where the players wear really tight pants, play with a stick and balls, and there are “pitchers” and “catchers.” Nothing faggy about that.
Steroids = excellence
The first time I experienced real football on a cold, blustery English day, I could never watch the American version again–boring!
When the World Cup was in Asia, I set the alarm for 2:00 AM to watch certain matches. Too bad Americans don’t appreciate that the most epic sporting event on the planet happens every four years and it isn’t the Olympics.
I don’t know much about this futbol, but if our team is the one with the hot chicks in thongs and the flags on their heads, I’m in. No wonder the Spaniards lost. It’s hard to run with a stiffee.
[re=349628]Koolaid[/re]: You forgot to mention the part where they turn themselves into human missiles and head the ball into the goal. Screw that one up and you really need that commie medicine they get for free.
I can’t help but wonder what the heck that soccer guy is looking at. If he’s married (and straight) I bet he’s showed his wife this picture a thousand times “See honey! I didn’t even LOOK!”.
Schmitt is a small “d” douchebag.
May I have a special dispensation for Sunday to non-ironically chant, “USA! USA! USA!”?
I read the essay, and I still can’t figure out why he has a stick up his ass about soccer.
Atacama, Kalahari, Gobi, Sahara – just deserts.
Coming soon: Why the Euros’ crossing their sevens is further proof of American exceptionalism. Next week!…in a very special…Gary Schmitt post.
[re=349591]lizard scum[/re]: Those Ford F-350 super-duties aren’t REALLY American unless they are bearing trucknutz.
i tend to judge a writer based on their usage of that great literary device, “for sure,” and seeing as how our hero used it a solid and respectable three (3) times in the span of two (2) paragraphs i would argue that he’s above criticism. though he did spell it wrong, it’s “FER SHURE,” bro.
The conservative/neo-con mindset:
Any activity that we are not the very, very best at, always and everywhere, must therefore suck and be of no interest to us, i.e. soccer, healthcare, or sex.
The AEI moron is completely full of crap. The ‘worser’ team winning happens in baseball of football often enough to be a ‘phenomenon’. The conservatives are reduced to throwing idiotic tantrums, is what this about. That is all.
This is exactly why my favorite part of the bible is where that Goliath dude totally beats the crap out of the scrawny David punk. God wants the strong to win and the weak to lose. Therefore, God hates soccer. Yay America!
Talk about entitlement issues.
Who pissed in Scmitt’s Wheaties?
Everyone bitched that the Yankees “deserved” to win the ’01
World Series because of 9/11, but my hometown D-Backs beat their sorry asses
fair and square.
[re=349670]smitallica[/re]: Yum.
America hates the underdog. Hence, Latin America!
He probably thinks Max Schmeling outboxed that darky Joe Louis, too.
[re=349609]facehead[/re]: Cue the video of the Italian team practicing getting “hurt”.
So he gets pissed off when any wild card team ever wins a game? Had the Cardinals hung on in the Super Bowl, would he never again watch a football game?
Don’t poke your eye out flailing around for something to criticize.
Today, we are all half naked chicks running across a soccer field.
Merkin alert!
Is he saying soccer sucks because the rest of the world won’t let Amer’kuh win? I’m confuzzled.
michael bradley received the most unfortunate red card i have ever seen issued.
landon donovan is gay. true story.
So by this guys “standards” the Nazis should have won WWII? What a douche nugget.
My uncle Rico could kick a ball over that mountain…in 1982. Also.
So by this dumbass logic, the San Jose Sharks *should* have won the 2009 Stanley Cup despite losing in the first round of the playoffs because they had the best record in the NHL throughout the season? Is that the kind of “excellence” America loves?
Who dares speak ill of my beloved fútbol? May 10k fleas infest his nether regions and may his personal physician be on vacation.
So take a letter, Maria, address it to my wife.
Say I won’t be coming home, gonna start a new life.
Yes, Americans hate sports where excellence is not rewarded, which is why baseball – a game so random that the best team loses to the worst team three out of every eight attempts – is our National Pastime.
Soccer is a sport where everybody gets a trophy and told ‘good job.’
The chick in the thong could raise my interest though.
Will she be at my 4 year old grandsons game tomorrow?
“Gary Schmidt sounds a lot like a fucking douchesack NY Yankee fan to me.”
Is there any other kind of NYY fan?
[re=349578]CivicHoliday[/re]: Last time I checked the Spankees had a significantly higher payroll than we do. They’re also adjusting to their new status as underdogs. To classify the RS as such is neither constructive, nor is it even true. Maybe next year, Yankees.
Americans prefer to play American football, a game no other country plays, then call ourselves the world champions. We tell ourselves we don’t care for playing soccer, so our crushed egos don’t hurt as much when we aren’t world champs.
[re=349646]lomri[/re]: i was wondering the same thing, but i had a feeling he was looking at the screen for a complete/frontal view. No fun in watching a flag walk away
Landon Donavan is gay? I always know Cup soccer is coming when I hear announcers say “Landon Donavan is really going to have to step up.” BTW–Has he played for a club in Europe yet? I always figured there would be no real stepping up from him after he turned down a chance to play in Germany.
“driving to Checkers in Ford F-350s while drinking a Big Gulp of chocolate sauce” is the AMERICAN DREAM, Jim
[re=349887]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Landycakes played this past fall with Fußball-Club Bayern München (Bayern Munich.) While the head coach at the time was the one who brought him in on loan and played him, other officials on the team were quoted as saying he wasn’t good enough to play for their amateur team. The coach was fired later in the season, and Bayern finished 2nd in the league.
Also, while he walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck, Landycakes is not, alas, gay. Bizarrely, his girlfriend is super hot. After this tournament he will be back in LA playing for the Galaxy.
[re=349784]ChickenTeriyakiBoy[/re]: Bradley’s sending off was deserved. Bradley A) should know that refs always call tighter games in international tournaments & B) should have taken notice when his two teammates were sent off for similar tackles in their first two matches. No excuse, Bradley made a stupid tackle.
Also, the horns are called vuvuzelas and you’d better get used to them. I don’t like ‘em either but your choice is to watch WC2010 w/the sound off or learn to deal.
Finally, the three greatest teams in world soccer are 1FC Kaiserslautern, AS Roma, and Liverpool.
Is Gary Schmitt the nom de sports of David Denby?
If landycakes is gay, he sure has a nice beard
http://www.zimbio.com/Bianca+Kajlich
So those were horns?? I thought the stadium was infested with a swarm of angry bees.
Spain deserved to lose. Did you see how they tried to defend against the second goal?
The same logic applies to why Greece won the Euro 2004. They weren’t the best players, best team, but somehow they pulled it all together and under a toupeed German Overlord, King Otto, pulled it off.
[re=349757]WestEdEd[/re]: If this were Brasil, it would be fully nakidf, execpt a small stip of cellophane tape covering the naughty bits
“Of course, the fact that is often not the case when it comes to soccer may be precisely the reason the sport is so popular in the countries of Latin America and Europe.”
Gary Schmitt, “small d democrat” and American Enterprise Institute member, have you, by chance, ever been exposed to a class in critical thinking or logic (they are required in most universities outside the ivy league at least)?
The reason I ask, and, of course I could be mistaken, is that your argument reads to me like an example of a classic ‘straw man’ or, perhaps ‘begging the question’ fallacy.
Generally speaking when my 18 year old students come to me with an argument that reads “all members of group x are dickheads” or, “members of group y believe this incredibly stupid thing that no human I have ever met believe”–I do two things. 1) I give them a bad grade, and 2) I secretly think to myself that the only times such sweeping generalizations are true is when they apply to American conservatives, which apparently include some “small d democrats.”
Am I really supposed to take you seriously because of your six figure salary & fancy letterhead–wouldn’t you rather be know for, I don’t know, being smart or intellectually honest/
Jus’ Askin’.
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