Wonkette
We’re getting pretty local here, but it is important that everyone memorize the story of how Mark Musselwhite, former mayor of “Gainesville, Georgia,” was arrested last Saturday. Basically he was constantly naked and running around naked everywhere but didn’t know he was naked, because of all the alcohol. Police report, OH YES…
Georgia DNR Ranger Brandon Walls said authorities had been getting calls about some naked guy walking along a road outside a campsite, as well as inside. Ranger Wells went to check it out and, later, reported on his hilarious jaunt in a long block of text in all caps. You must read the whole thing, for laffs, but here’s an excerpt:
WE ARRIVED AT THIS LOCATION AROUND 2249 HRS. I OBSERVED A MALE SUBJECT SITTING NUDE IN A CHAIR IN FRONT OF HIS CAMPER/HORSE TRAILER. WE MADE CONTACT WITH THE SUBJECT WHO EARLIER IN THE DAY I HAD IDENTIFIED AS MARK MUSSELWHITE. I HAD SPOKEN WITH HIM EARLIER THAT DATE IN REFERENCE TO AN ATV HE HAD BEEN RIDING IN THE AREA. HE LOOKED AT US AND SAID HELLO. I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING, HE SAID HE WAS JUST SITTING HERE AND ASKED IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM. I DID NOTICE HE WAS DRINKING AND APPEARED VERY INTOXICATED. I ASKED HIM WHY HE DID NOT HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON, AND HE SAID HE WAS HOT AND HAD BEEN IN THE CREEK. AT THAT POINT HE WANTED TO KNOW WHY WE WERE THERE AND WHAT HE WAS DOING WRONG. I ADVISED HIM THAT WE HAD GOTTEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT A MAN WALKING AROUND NUDE IN THE AREA. STILL NUDE, HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS NOT HIM. I SAID THE COMPLAINTANT HAD SPECIFICALLY SAID HIS CAMPSITE, AND THE FACT THAT HE WAS STILL NUDE MADE ME THINK IT WAS HIM.
Later, belligerence & arrest after Musselwhite unsuccessfully plays the “Do you know who I am?” card: “HE TOLD ME THAT HE… WAS A VERY POLITICAL PERSON.”
Former Gainesville mayor arrest for public indecency [Access North GA]
I can’t read that whole thing. It’s like reading a winger’s comments on Free Republic.
MIRACLE MAN.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS NAKED HIKING DAY. AND THAT HE WAS HIKING, ALSO.
He was celebrating National Nude Hiking Day.
Had he just watched Old School?
I wish I could afford to live in a CAMPER/HORSE TRAILER.
Wait, was he on the Appalachian Trail?
“Still nude, he told me that it was not him.” That is one funny cop.
For those of us keeping score at home, (D), (R), or Fox (D)?
HE’S ALSO A REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR A STATE SENATE SEAT. also.
It’s weird to me how Georgia, Texas and Florida all sound like the same place.
Distraught about the passing away of FFM? MJ apparently still alive at the time. Also, this is Gainsville, GA.
Meh. Musslewhite was obviously just giving his penis some air.
Another good Christian Republican Southern gentleman, just prepping for his trip to Argentina to offer comfort to Maria.
Mark Musselwhite? Never heard of him. Did he have an affair, or is he dead?
Now, if he’d gone to Argentina to “hike”…
Fuck hiking. Is it National Drinking Nude Outside Day yet?
Paterlanger: And capable of dependent clauses!
…he told me it was not him. I said the complaintant had specifically said his campsite, and the fact that he was still nude made me think it was him.
Occam’s Razor has brought this dumbass’s private nekkid-party to an end.
My girlfriend asks me similar questions when I’m sitting around naked in the apt. And I play the same “Don’t you know who I am?” card. It’s just a reflex.
Much like drunken, uncle-fucking, tomfoolery on a golf cart in close proximity to Milwaukee, this smacks of “things you see at a campground in Georgia”. Move along people, it’ll be on COPS 2 inside of a week.
I read Wonkette everyday. That makes me a very political person as well.
19kevin8: “was”
“Well, would you do that at Walmart???” Priceless.
19kevin8: well, this should work wonders for his election campaign.
AND THE FACT THAT HE WAS STILL NUDE MADE ME THINK IT WAS HIM
Nothing gets past those Georgia Rangers.
trondant: Damn, that would be a holiday that I could get behind… So to speak.
“Still nude, he told me it was not him.”
I understood perfectly what the cop was saying. On the first read. What the fuck is wrong with all you libtards.
As sheriff of Hazard County, I’m sure glad you wonketeers never got to read some of the shit I put in the reports.
‘Later, belligerence & arrest after Musselwhite unsuccessfully plays the “Do you know who I am?” card.’
That’s a tad unfair. He might have been so drunk that he actually could remember himself.
He was accompanied by a female subject, name unknown. Hmmmmm.
OMFG. You can’t make this shit up. Wingnuts are HILARIOUS!!!
For purposes of full disclosure, so to speak: “Mark Musselwhite, former Gainesville Mayor and Republican State Senate Candidate”.
There. I feel much better.
I would have peed my pants reading this, but I’m naked down there.
Q: Does fucking raccoons in a state park constitute infidelity? Keep in mind that we’re talking about Georgia.
This is pretty tame stuff for the Rs…no furries, no public fornication, no dick accidentally falling into a 12-year-old boy’s asshole. Mew…who hasn’t been drunk & naked at some point?
S.Luggo: Texan Bulldoggette: The report does mention a horse trailer.
Musselwhite, his nude, white mussle? At a camper/horsetrailer? Happy hour begins NOW..
The last time I got that shitfaced camping out, I passed out in a folding chair and my friends painted circles all over my face with red lipstick. Then tied my shoelaces to the legs of the chair I was in.
When I awoke, well, let’s just say the campfire had mostly died out by then. So no permanent scars anyway.
I ADVISED HIM THAT WE HAD GOTTEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT A MAN WALKING AROUND NUDE IN THE AREA. STILL NUDE, HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS NOT HIM.
Thank you. I needed a gut-busting laugh just about now, and this was it.
THE ATTACK OF THE CAPSLOCK NUDE AAAH!
Former mayor of Gainsville? That’s like being a former almost somebody.
I got as far a nude man camping with a horse and couldn’t continue. Poor horsey. I hope the mayor only raped him with his mouth.
Best line from the report: I TOLD HIM AGAIN THAT I HAD SEEN HIM AND ASKED IF WOULD DO THIS AT WALMART.
Gainsville proved too much for the man
So he’s dumpin’ the clothes he’s come to know
He said he’s goin’ back to find what’s left of his world
The Nudity he left behind so long ago
He’s goin
on a crazy drunk in Georgia
Said he’s goin’ back to find
the simpler place and time
I’ll arrest him
on that crazy drunk in Georgia
I’d rather live with clothes
than live without them in his
The dixie golden rule: Always behave as if you were in WalMart. Treat others as you would have them treat you in the Piggly Wiggly.
S.Luggo: Raccoons? No. But pigs… that’s another story.
But! Was he naked?? Like, all of the time? Inquiring minds need to know.
ManchuCandidate: (sniff) That’s a real tearjerker, Man.
Well he is a very political person. A very nude political person. Good on the Ranger who wrote the report for keeping an open mind to multitudinous possibilities, like the notion that there could possibly have been more than one rogue nudist.
EEEEEWWWWWWWW!!
Lascauxcaveman:
Do you have relatives in Minnesota?
http://www.albertleatribune.com/news/2009/jun/22/wells-man-dies-waseca-campfire/
imissopus: Nonsense. Fully 95% of the words are spelled right. At Free Republic, it’s usually more like 60%.
Most of the time, I figure the life of law enforcement would be fun but stressful. And then things like this happen, and I really wish I were a cop/ranger/sheriff/whatever, just so I could discuss nudity with drunken ex-mayors.
SmutBoffin: Oh, Lord, wouldn’t you like to see the video of this arrest?
I suppose Rush Limbaugh has a reason this is all Obama’s fault.
PLEASE OH PLEASE let “Would you do that at Walmart?” become the next internet meme.
Here, internet, I’ll even get you started:
http://cheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=4540712
As a resident of the area, I can tell you that typically when they arrest naked men in that park it is because they are cruising for other naked men.
TGY: Sit the fuck down, man. Gainesville has its own symphony orchestra.
Notice how the report implies that the ranger was willing to give him a pass on the whole nudity thing, but when he said “Don’t you know I’m a politician” the cuffs came right out.
Later, Musselwhite will begin posting on Wonkette as “Naked Mayor with a Hangover”.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: “Naked Mayor with a Horse Trailer”
fixed.
I’ve never read a police report laden with so much snark before! Kudos, Officer!
19kevin8: Well, sure, but I was going for something that didn’t sound like fun.
Worth noting … Earl’s Ford is on the Chattooga River … where Deliverance was filmed.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Pronounced “nekkid” down here…
octupletsmom: He thought he was in Argentina
Gainesville has a population of 95,447. Wasilla has a population of 7,028. Thus, this naked, drunk, belligerent man is more qualified to be VP of the Republican party’s 2012 platform (nay, even the candidate for prez!) than everybody’s favorite anger bear. God is good.
What was it Lewis Grizzard said?
Naked is when you ain’t wearin’ no clothes. Nekkid is when you ain’t wearin’ no clothes and are up to sumthin’!
But officer,
I’m too sexy for my shirt; too sexy for my shirt.
So sexy it hurts.
Monsieur Grumpe: Mmmm. Is that roast pork I smell? No?
aristoggle: Point well taken, sir/mam!
RoscoePColtraine: Eine Kleine Kitschmusik?
Carrie_Okie: You are too cute. What a funny thought.
Keram2: My hero *swoon*.
My favorite line from the whole thing:
“(I) asked him if he would do that at Wal-Mart.”
So is this unusual behavior for mayors of small Southern towns?
Height? 4 inches.
S.Luggo: It’s ok, but out of courtesy to your wife you are required to get a rabies shot.
“Well, would you do that at Walmart???” No, but Target, now that’s a different story!
I thought it was sweet he made sure the female companion could load her own trailer and could find her way to the country jail. Never say Georgia law enforcement isn’t chivalrous.
the thing is was he a hot naked or a bad naked?
Don’t you hate pants?!
imissopus: all i read was TRAILER… DRINKING… NUDE… STILL NUDE (x2 or 3)
hope that helps
any pics of this nakediddity? he’s kinda hot
It’s casual Friday, what’s the big deal?
KilgoreTrout_XL: That Walmart part was my favorite section, too. Sweet sweet Jesus. This makes me want to go camping in Georgia real real bad now.
KilgoreTrout_XL: I stopped at the Walmart part … it couldn’t improve from there.
Rednecks officially have substituted Walmart for Church in all life matters.
I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULDN’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT HERE … CHILDREN AND OTHER CAMPERS WERE PRESENT, AND PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM. HE SAID HE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS A PROBLEM, THAT NOBODY COULD SEE HIM.
I consider myself a dedicated alcoholic, yet I have only managed to reach the Bulletproof Stage of Drunkenness, and that only a few times, so I am past jealous that this motherfucker here was not only all the way at Invisible but also actually on his way to a sixth and as yet unnamed stage that involves a rift in the space-time continuum. Clearly Musselwhite FTW.
Maybe he was just trying to get some color because he didn’t like his Musselwhite