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Git me outta this itchy-clothWe’re getting pretty local here, but it is important that everyone memorize the story of how Mark Musselwhite, former mayor of “Gainesville, Georgia,” was arrested last Saturday. Basically he was constantly naked and running around naked everywhere but didn’t know he was naked, because of all the alcohol. Police report, OH YES…

Georgia DNR Ranger Brandon Walls said authorities had been getting calls about some naked guy walking along a road outside a campsite, as well as inside. Ranger Wells went to check it out and, later, reported on his hilarious jaunt in a long block of text in all caps. You must read the whole thing, for laffs, but here’s an excerpt:

WE ARRIVED AT THIS LOCATION AROUND 2249 HRS. I OBSERVED A MALE SUBJECT SITTING NUDE IN A CHAIR IN FRONT OF HIS CAMPER/HORSE TRAILER. WE MADE CONTACT WITH THE SUBJECT WHO EARLIER IN THE DAY I HAD IDENTIFIED AS MARK MUSSELWHITE. I HAD SPOKEN WITH HIM EARLIER THAT DATE IN REFERENCE TO AN ATV HE HAD BEEN RIDING IN THE AREA. HE LOOKED AT US AND SAID HELLO. I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING, HE SAID HE WAS JUST SITTING HERE AND ASKED IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM. I DID NOTICE HE WAS DRINKING AND APPEARED VERY INTOXICATED. I ASKED HIM WHY HE DID NOT HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON, AND HE SAID HE WAS HOT AND HAD BEEN IN THE CREEK. AT THAT POINT HE WANTED TO KNOW WHY WE WERE THERE AND WHAT HE WAS DOING WRONG. I ADVISED HIM THAT WE HAD GOTTEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT A MAN WALKING AROUND NUDE IN THE AREA. STILL NUDE, HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS NOT HIM. I SAID THE COMPLAINTANT HAD SPECIFICALLY SAID HIS CAMPSITE, AND THE FACT THAT HE WAS STILL NUDE MADE ME THINK IT WAS HIM.

Later, belligerence & arrest after Musselwhite unsuccessfully plays the “Do you know who I am?” card: “HE TOLD ME THAT HE… WAS A VERY POLITICAL PERSON.”

Former Gainesville mayor arrest for public indecency [Access North GA]

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89 COMMENTS

  1. …he told me it was not him. I said the complaintant had specifically said his campsite, and the fact that he was still nude made me think it was him.

    Occam’s Razor has brought this dumbass’s private nekkid-party to an end.

  2. My girlfriend asks me similar questions when I’m sitting around naked in the apt. And I play the same “Don’t you know who I am?” card. It’s just a reflex.

  3. Much like drunken, uncle-fucking, tomfoolery on a golf cart in close proximity to Milwaukee, this smacks of “things you see at a campground in Georgia”. Move along people, it’ll be on COPS 2 inside of a week.

  4. “Still nude, he told me it was not him.”

    I understood perfectly what the cop was saying. On the first read. What the fuck is wrong with all you libtards.

  5. ‘Later, belligerence & arrest after Musselwhite unsuccessfully plays the “Do you know who I am?” card.’

    That’s a tad unfair. He might have been so drunk that he actually could remember himself.

  6. For purposes of full disclosure, so to speak: “Mark Musselwhite, former Gainesville Mayor and Republican State Senate Candidate”.

    There. I feel much better.

  7. This is pretty tame stuff for the Rs…no furries, no public fornication, no dick accidentally falling into a 12-year-old boy’s asshole. Mew…who hasn’t been drunk & naked at some point?

  8. The last time I got that shitfaced camping out, I passed out in a folding chair and my friends painted circles all over my face with red lipstick. Then tied my shoelaces to the legs of the chair I was in.

    When I awoke, well, let’s just say the campfire had mostly died out by then. So no permanent scars anyway.

  9. I ADVISED HIM THAT WE HAD GOTTEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT A MAN WALKING AROUND NUDE IN THE AREA. STILL NUDE, HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS NOT HIM.

    Thank you. I needed a gut-busting laugh just about now, and this was it.

  10. I got as far a nude man camping with a horse and couldn’t continue. Poor horsey. I hope the mayor only raped him with his mouth.

  11. Gainsville proved too much for the man
    So he’s dumpin’ the clothes he’s come to know
    He said he’s goin’ back to find what’s left of his world
    The Nudity he left behind so long ago

    He’s goin
    on a crazy drunk in Georgia
    Said he’s goin’ back to find
    the simpler place and time

    I’ll arrest him
    on that crazy drunk in Georgia
    I’d rather live with clothes
    than live without them in his

  12. The dixie golden rule: Always behave as if you were in WalMart. Treat others as you would have them treat you in the Piggly Wiggly.

  13. Well he is a very political person. A very nude political person. Good on the Ranger who wrote the report for keeping an open mind to multitudinous possibilities, like the notion that there could possibly have been more than one rogue nudist.

  14. Most of the time, I figure the life of law enforcement would be fun but stressful. And then things like this happen, and I really wish I were a cop/ranger/sheriff/whatever, just so I could discuss nudity with drunken ex-mayors.

  15. As a resident of the area, I can tell you that typically when they arrest naked men in that park it is because they are cruising for other naked men.

  16. Notice how the report implies that the ranger was willing to give him a pass on the whole nudity thing, but when he said “Don’t you know I’m a politician” the cuffs came right out.

  17. Gainesville has a population of 95,447. Wasilla has a population of 7,028. Thus, this naked, drunk, belligerent man is more qualified to be VP of the Republican party’s 2012 platform (nay, even the candidate for prez!) than everybody’s favorite anger bear. God is good.

  18. What was it Lewis Grizzard said?

    Naked is when you ain’t wearin’ no clothes. Nekkid is when you ain’t wearin’ no clothes and are up to sumthin’!

  19. I thought it was sweet he made sure the female companion could load her own trailer and could find her way to the country jail. Never say Georgia law enforcement isn’t chivalrous.

  20. [re=349407]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: That Walmart part was my favorite section, too. Sweet sweet Jesus. This makes me want to go camping in Georgia real real bad now.

  21. [re=349407]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: I stopped at the Walmart part … it couldn’t improve from there.

    Rednecks officially have substituted Walmart for Church in all life matters.

  22. I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULDN’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT HERE … CHILDREN AND OTHER CAMPERS WERE PRESENT, AND PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM. HE SAID HE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS A PROBLEM, THAT NOBODY COULD SEE HIM.

    I consider myself a dedicated alcoholic, yet I have only managed to reach the Bulletproof Stage of Drunkenness, and that only a few times, so I am past jealous that this motherfucker here was not only all the way at Invisible but also actually on his way to a sixth and as yet unnamed stage that involves a rift in the space-time continuum. Clearly Musselwhite FTW.

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