Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, everybody, did you hear about the Health Care? Health Care is a very important issue facing us all today, and Obama has promised to Do Something about the Health Care? There is one slight problem with this: Health Care is very, very complicated, and any configuration of it is pretty much terrifying, so nobody really understands what the deal is with the proposed Health Care Reforms (or, really, what the deal is with the current un-Reformed Health Care that we have now). How, then, are America’s great communicators, the political cartoonists, supposed to explain Health Care to you, the mouth-breathing masses? Well, if the following cartoons are any indication, they will do so with murder, hideous mutants, and anal sex. OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT WONKETTE HAS DONE TO AMERICAN DISCOURSE? DAVID DENBY WAS RIGHT!
Click on each image to observe the horror in close-up.
Like any medical procedure that will eventually be used on humans, Health Care must first be tested on animals! The first thing that Obama’s Health Care geniuses noticed was that humans — indeed, most biological life forms — were fleshy and weak, prone to injury if bludgeoned or shot with even low-caliber ammunition. Fortunately, the U.S. government had just acquired millions of hideously ugly and poorly designed metal car bodies, which were just lying around the place over at GM. What if each American citizen could be fitted with a car chassis, protecting him or her from the elements? GM could stop paying so much for warehousing costs and Americans would need much less expensive medical treatment — win-win! Or so they thought before they tried it out on horses. The resulting terrifying car-horse monsters were forced down into a pit so that decent people would never have to see them.
So, the administration decided to go down a more conventional route when it came to Health Care: President Obama would cram a latex-coated, finger-mounted dildo up America’s ass. But Americans seemed reticent to be stimulated anally — particularly Republicans, to the shock of most seasoned political observers. “No,” America said firmly, “I do not wish you to put your huge, throbbing finger up my butt, President Obama! Respect my autonomy in this matter!” And, just as is the case with individual Americans who refuse to let doctors put fingers up their butts, the result is that America will eventually die, of colon cancer.
“All right, fine,” said Obama, who like all liberals is always up for wishy-washy compromise. “What if instead of forcing my finger up your butthole, I just visited everyone’s home on an annual basis and sort gave your anus a once-over from a respectful distance? This is a new, less invasive form of Health Care, thanks to electronic medical records that tell me what your anus used to look like.” However, this proposal also ran into resistance: it included an unfunded mandate that everyone put holes in their beds and bedroom floor to give the president access, and some whispered that the plan had been bought and paid for by Ikea, which would sell millions of its PörthØle-brand beds across the nation.
What exactly in the Congress could be holding up the Health Care, keeping it from coming to fruition? Eventually, Obama administration handlers went up there to find out. They were horrified to discover the Kennedy Health Care plan had been locked in a car that was weighed down with huge amounts of money, then thrown into a river, where Health Care drowned a horrible death, while Ted Kennedy fled in terror. Does this scenario sound FAMILIAR to anyone, hmmm? That’s right, it’s like every other Health Care initiative that’s gone through Congress!
But where is The Left while all this is going on? It’s well known that the only thing The Left likes more than setting terrorists free to kill again is Health Care! (That’s why they’re always threatening to move to Canada, for the Health Care.) But this key Health Care constituency was distracted at a crucial moment, because it turns out that there’s something The Left likes even more Health Care and terrorist-freeing, and that’s seeing terrible sexist comedians mock the teenage daughters of Sarah Palin! When The Left should have been pressing for Health Care, they instead were sitting in the Ed Sullivan theater, masturbating.
Meanwhile, as Obama was trying to fish the Health Care out of the icy river, all hell was breaking loose back on Capitol Hill! Under the pretense of “bipartisanship” and “seeking a compromise on this important issue,” the Democrats and Republicans put on their ritual snake suits and sixty-nined each other for hours. Can you use “sixty-nine” as a verb? Whatever, that’s what they were doing, in snake suits, the sickos.
That last one had me laughing out loud.
“Ritual snake suits”. I laugh till I cry.
Another OH NOSE: gadz, not Kennedy & Chappaquiddick AGAIN! Clinging to the trope that elephants have long memoriez when it comes to leftwing dumbfuck stuff. Rightwing hypocracy: suddenly gots Alzheimers, ala St. Regan.
What’s up w/”The Left” sitting on the RIGHT side of the theatre?? har har
But TGIF YAY: BHO & buttsecks at last!! woo hooo & booyah!
That second Glenn McCoy one seriously looks like one of those Onion parodies.
Charles Addams: brilliant cartoonist, master of Gothic illustration and pithy captions.
Glen McCoy: hack.
Favorite Addams cartoon: an inventor is in the office of a patent attorney, who is pointing a futuristic-looking weapon out the window and saying, “Death ray? Why it hardly slows them down!”
Thank you for this, Josh.
Oh yeah this is good too…http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/03/books/chapters/1203-1st-davis.html. (I don’t do tags, so paste into your browser, buddy.)
mrsixinch: Okay, it appears the actual caption is “Death ray? Fiddlesticks! It doesn’t even slow them up!” Still, McCay=hack. And Dutch=weird.
Ah, yes, David Letterman’s cruel joke about a child. It horrified the Right. How terrible of him. Why can’t David Letterman treat children the way they do: by dropping bombs on their heads? That’s so much more humane.
Mendacious, hypocritical fucktards.
A-Rod will be happy to know that jokes about him having sex with Trig are totally off limits.
So the snakes; are the Dems getting Republican ass in their face, or are the Repubs sucking the Dems’ cocks? Either way it seems like a losing proposition.
‘Can you use “sixty-nine” as a verb?’
Look in your Wonkette Style Book, silly. It’s right next to the verb “sex you up, girl”.
That’s why folks like “The Left.” They get jokes, while everyone else dresses like it’s the 1940s.
Why is it McCoy draws Obama like a tanned Nixon?
And judging by the attire, that’s not Ed Sullivan Theater, that’s a church.
“Kennedy Health Care plan had been locked in a car that was weighed down with huge amounts of money”
Is this some sort of hidden Chappaquiddick reference?
The obsession of Wingnuts and cornholing is ironic, no?
Cartoonists just don’t get it. If Obama was paying that much attention to our collective anuses, I don’t think the gays would be the group that’s most mad at him.
martinette: Well played, sir/madam.
Apparently, the only people who watch David Letterman are old white people from the 1930’s.
I used to love Political cartoons as a kid (We had Tom Toles before he went national). I never really paid attention in the past 20 years or so - and now they seem awful and ugly. Its as if everyone (except Toles) is trying to out - ‘Fox News’ - Fox news, with extreme, right wing positions. Or is it me?
Naked Bunny with a Whip: my, my… someone missed an appointment with their Anger Management Therapist
Thanks, Josh. Pretty much any of these cartoons make a fitting epilogue to the dream I had last night about tracking giant mountain beavers through the snowy and muddy backyards (of rural England?) at the behest of a young exobiologist who looked surprisingly like Princess Di ca. 1981.
Cell phones and a very meanspirited, talking giraffe behind a tall, rickety fence were also heavily involved somehow.
I’m amazed none of the wingnut cartoonists tried to make a connection between SOCIALIZED MEDICINE and TAXPAYER-FUNDED MANDATORY ABORTIONS.
McCoy draws like he’s been on a 38-year brown acid trip.
choinski: Keep in mind that our beloved Curmudgeon only picks out the best and brightest for our perusal.
The lack of Donna Barstow is shored up here by two Glenn McCoys. I like how the whole humor thing eludes Glenn and folks of his ilk. But best of all, he thinks that the best way to set up a visual gag is with a bunch of clumsy words. It’d be like me drawing a can of shit soup, labelled “shit soup”, and writing a lengthy paragraph above to the effect of “Glenn McCoy is a terrible cartoonist, and I have in some way compared him to this soup here.To wit: HERE IS A GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF WHAT I THINK OF GLENN MCCOY’S TALENT AS BOTH A CARTOONIST AND DEEP THINKER.”
If it were M. Barstow, at least it wouldn’t make any sense, and therefore wouldn’t be as annoying in its childishness.
mrsixinch: I loooove Charles Addams! My favorites are any of his on love and marriage. He makes me look like an optimist.
Also Monica “Shrek” Conyers plead guity. What-would-Kwame-do?
99 days.
I’m still wondering how you watch Letterman in a movie theater.
Watchreader: And some random Jew with “The Left” stitched on their clothing.
Julius Streicher approves of that cartoon.
Boy, that Chappaquiddick thing! Always a knee-slapper!
The “brace yourself” cartoon reminds me of the urologist I had to see ten years ago. He was a wonderful old man who informed that I had a great deal of scar tissue and would need some roto-rootering. He didn’t do this stuff himself, so he turned me over to his partner, a young man with the biggest fucking hands I had ever seen. He did clean out the scar tissue in my prostate, but also scarred me forever.
wx insider: I haven’t smacked anyone around lately, but it’s almost the weekend. Yay!
Naked Bunny with a Whip: To be fair, in America we simply let them grow up in poverty, fight against offering them health care, give them ketchup as a vegetable and bide our time until they get old enough to be locked in jail. We’re not animals, after all
Guppy06: He went to the Silvio Burlesconi school of race relations.
The ‘Overhaul’ cartoon could have been named ‘Glory Hole From Hell.’
That cartoon about Letterman looks like it was drawn by the parody cartoonist in the Onion.
I, personally, think it’s wonderful that we live in a country where a man, lacking in talent or ideas, can trace over the work of a more famous cartoonist and still get paid! Excelsior!
Notice that the “left” character is not a Real American like the others, also.
Native of SL UT: The first rule of Invasive Anal Surgical procedures is you don’t talk about Invasive Anal Surgical procedures.
(please)
Chas Adams is rolling in his grave. Today we are all Uncle Fester.
In fact, it’s Uncle Fester from the Addams Family.
Gah, kyped by a minute.
The last cartoon should have the Republican snake slithering off from the caduceus. And I heartily endorse representing both parties as snakes, but the Rs especially. Also.
Lascauxcaveman: +But it wasn’t an Invasive Anal surgical procedure, they went up my…oh..um..nevermind, that’s worse.
So “The Left” is a Penguin-esque Danny Devito? Huh.
I sweat Glenn McCoy is 90 years old and grew up on Leave it to Beaver and has never put a penis in a vagina.
Watchreader: “Apparently, the only people who watch David Letterman are old white people from the 1930’s.”
Well, it is on CBS!
(too easy to pass up)
I would soooo buy that car in the first cartoon. It looks good on hills.
And iirc, when Letterman told that joke, there was laughter and applause, not appalled silence.
AAAANND– that “Overhaul” cartoon looked more like McCoy was accusing Obama of coprophilia. He’s just waiting for that big brown plop.
So that’s what the left looks like. I’ve been wondering about those losers for ages, and finally I know what a lefty looks like for appropriate bludgeoning on the street.
Is there some award for most hysterically funny thread title? There should be:
“The winner for 2009’s Most Hysterically Funny Blog Thread Title is, envelope please…
‘Barack Obama’s Health Care Plan Is About To Be All Up In Your Butthole!’”
(cheers and applause!)
if you dress up like a snake and sixty-nine, does that make you a furry? or a “scaly”? or what?
anyway, whatever it is, it’s yifftastic, and way better than actually having health care.