A Children’s Treasury of Presidents Posing With Michael Jackson

by Ken Layne

The man in the mirror ... is Barbara Bush Sr.!One-man circus Michael Jackson has officially died, and somebody is very, very happy about this news. (That “somebody” is Mark Sanford. Adios, Mark! Enjoy the rest of your life.) We, of course, could give a hoot about Michael Jackson, although your editor once free-lanced a “concert review” of Wacko Jacko’s post-pedophile (?) 1996 performance in Prague, and the National Enquirer paid something like $500, enough for a plane ticket back to America. So, thanks, Michael! Thanks for the good times, and thanks to Vladan for getting us the Ecstasy so we could tolerate that awful spectacle. Also, Michael, you sure did get yourself photographed with a lot of 1980s and ’90s presidents! You were truly the Barack Obama of that particular era.

Dana Carvey impersonator George H.W. Bush No. 41 Senior sure doesn’t look too comfortable with Jacko in the picture above. But Poppy was never about Hollywood. He found it all vulgar and awful, unlike his predecessor:

Nobody wants to be startin' somethin'.
Nobody loved taking White House pictures with Jacko more than the Reagans. You might think, what does this insane delusional Hollywood performer have in common with Michael Jackson. Plenty! Reagan played a chimp called “Bonzo,” and Jacko used to fuck a chimp called “Bubbles.” Not so different after all ….

'And say hi to Pedobear from me and Nancy ...'
Reagan even sent kindly letters to Jacko, like this actual historical example of the president just kissing so much celebrity ass. Hey, this creepy pervert disco kid is very famous, let’s befriend him! Who cares if he’s black or whatever, he’s working on that problem, too!

'Well he sure *looks* like a lawn jockey, mommy. I don't see why we can't put him in the Rose Garden.'
“What does he mean, the chair is not his son?”

'The doggone girl is mine, Bill.'And that wraps up tonight’s Children’s Treasury of Presidents Posing With Michael Jackson (RIP). Oh, we’ll throw in this frightening alien Jacko and red-bulb Bill Clinton, for the completists out there. What else? What else to say, about this fame-crazed oddball and his somewhat-expected death? How about this, from the Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh:

The Buddha has a very different understanding of our existence. It is the understanding that birth and death are notions. They are not real. The fact that we think they are true makes a powerful illusion that causes all our suffering. The Buddha taught there is no birth, there is no death; there is no coming, there is no going; there is no same, there is no different; there is no permanent self, there is no annihilation. We only think there is. When we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear. It is a great relief. We can enjoy life and appreciate it in a new way.

The same thing happens when we lose any of our beloved ones.

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Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 7:12 pm

Looks like Nancy & Jacko used to shop at the same ‘gaudy, shoulder padded, double-breasted suits R us’ store.

Wet Work June 25, 2009 at 7:12 pm


Wet Work June 25, 2009 at 7:13 pm

[re=348717]Wet Work[/re]: ack.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 7:14 pm

God I hate CNN.com. I am listening to Sanjay Gupta explain to Wolf why people die when their heart stops beating. And Wolf asks, “is there some clue people can watch for to know if they’re experiencing cardiac arrest”? Yeah, your fucking heart stops beating and you pass out.

SuperStarr June 25, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Reminds me of Elvis getting his special DEA badge from frickin’ Nixon.

paintitblack June 25, 2009 at 7:19 pm

HW’s all like: yeah, ok, see’s ya later, whacko, uh, Jacko. But Nancita’s all like, yes, Daddy, this charming youth really is a performer, just like you once were. Bubba looks like he’s takin’ one of his numerous fun-ladies to the prom (urk).

blinky_twinkie June 25, 2009 at 7:20 pm

I love Thich Nhat Hanh. He and the Buddha break my brain. Bye, Michael. Thanks for the Moonwalk, srsly. It was beyond awesome.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 25, 2009 at 7:21 pm

You know, come to think of it, I’ve never seen Michael Jackson and W. together. It explains a lot, when you think of it.

And I’m pretty sure that picture with Nancy and the Alzheimer’s patient is of statues at Madame Tussauds.

[re=348717]Wet Work[/re]: Oh, that’s a banning.

smellyal8r June 25, 2009 at 7:21 pm

That’s alright…on Lou Dobbs, their “health” reporter said that many people don’t realize they have heart problems until “they have a heart attack or die”. That’s a helluva time to find out you had a health problem…

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 25, 2009 at 7:22 pm

Ken, can I buy some drugs from you?

Disco June 25, 2009 at 7:22 pm

This is such sad news.
I think he gave the best superbowl performance I’ll see in my lifetime.
You said it best in your song “I Would Die 4 You”.
RIP, I Wish U Heaven!

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Have we heard if this was anorexia related, a la Karen Carpenter?

Makeithurt June 25, 2009 at 7:24 pm

Jesus — what a gas bag Slobberman is. Hey Keith, wonder what Tim Russert would say about it all?

Advocatus_Diaboli June 25, 2009 at 7:24 pm

My sympathies to those who loved him, but I’ll bet he eighty-sixed himself after one too many mornings of looking in the mirror.

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:26 pm

[re=348738]Disco[/re]: ummm, are you sure the right person died?

Canmon (the Inadequate) June 25, 2009 at 7:28 pm

He’ll be raping children in heaven tonight.

Ken Layne June 25, 2009 at 7:29 pm

[re=348748]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Wow!

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 7:31 pm

“How It’s Made” is doing crayons, right now. So interesting. Did you know they use a “rotary machine”?

Scandalabra June 25, 2009 at 7:31 pm

That was the only Negro those crazy old Reagan people thought they would ever have to meet. Ha ha!

rambone June 25, 2009 at 7:32 pm

I’ll say this much for M.J. He was less odious than most of the GOP congressional delegation.

CollegeStudent June 25, 2009 at 7:32 pm

I’m gonna miss Michael Jackson. He really touched me.

Too soon?

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 7:32 pm

[re=348748]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: It had to be said!

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 25, 2009 at 7:32 pm

[re=348738]Disco[/re]: Yes, it was great until Justin Timberlake ripped his nipple shield off.

BillyClubb June 25, 2009 at 7:32 pm

The sad part of this article on Jacko’s life and death is that the comments on Buddhism by “Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh” were the only memorable part. Sorry Michael.

rambone June 25, 2009 at 7:32 pm

[re=348748]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: His heaven, their hell. Circle of life . . . circle of life.

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Al Fucking Sharpton????????????????

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Al Fucking Sharpton at the Apollo??????????????!!1!!!1!

hobospacejunkie June 25, 2009 at 7:35 pm

[re=348743]Makeithurt[/re]: This would be one of those times Timmy pretended he didn’t also work for MSNBC and go hide somewhere under Tom Brokaw’s skirt.

Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 7:35 pm

[re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: Gee, did CNN ever confirm he died? They’re a bunch of real crackerjack journalists over there.

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:36 pm

Michael is better than Oprah and Obama, in that order, according to Rev. Al

brown_recluse June 25, 2009 at 7:38 pm

Team Jarvis.

user-of-owls June 25, 2009 at 7:39 pm

[re=348734]smellyal8r[/re]: RE: [re=348738]Disco[/re]: I think he gave the best superbowl performance I’ll see in my lifetime.

Well, Disco, if you die before the next superbowl, you’ll know you have health problems.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 25, 2009 at 7:39 pm

[re=348755]CollegeStudent[/re]: Sadly, probably too late to file a big dollars suit. Damn.

Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 7:40 pm

[re=348766]nmmagayar[/re]: aah..I think he was just saying Michael was breaking color barriers before those guys. Al’s a media whore, but I do believe he loves his fellow brothers (MJ, James Brown).

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 7:40 pm

[re=348764]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You joke, but the CNN.com feed just “independently confirmed” it about 5 minutes ago. I realize that its staffed by interns from the local community college and filmed in the basement of the Varsity on 14th Street, but come on!

user-of-owls June 25, 2009 at 7:41 pm

[re=348764]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: CNN: “We have unconfirmed reports that Generalissimo Francisco Franco has died”

CollegeStudent June 25, 2009 at 7:44 pm

[re=348770]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I know, and to think, all I would have asked for would have been the rights to Beatles library and a Ferris Wheel

Wet Work June 25, 2009 at 7:46 pm

[re=348733]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Don’t ban me, Bro!

Where was all this fuss when Eazy-E died?

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:46 pm

[re=348771]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Now he wants to drag MJ’s corpse to the appollo

Don Juanquete June 25, 2009 at 7:47 pm

Good Trifecta Mourning, America!

And in other news:
How do you solve a problem like Sharia?
How do you solve a problem like North Korea?
How do you solve a problem like Mark ‘n Maria?
How do you solve a problem like Malia? (at the rate of her growth, she’ll be the next Washington Monument by 2012)

wolfshirts June 25, 2009 at 7:47 pm

[re=348752]bitchincamaro[/re]: I feel you. Plus “The Milkmen” were always “Dead”

Did you see that, how I did that?

Country Club Jihadi June 25, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I’m looking at my ABC album dust jacket, which I bought in 1971. It says I can order MJ’s “personal soul mate kit” for $2, plus the most groovy photo of Magic Michael. Your friends will freak and flip out! If you love the Jammin’ J5, send away for this giant offer now!
Of course, I ordered the Germaine soul mate kit, and my mother was not amused. Upon reflection, the “Tito-riffic” package looks pretty awesome.

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 7:48 pm

[re=348771]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: how was he breaking color barriers in the 1980′s by singing R&B?

boatapple June 25, 2009 at 7:50 pm

[re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: jejeje!

AxmxZ June 25, 2009 at 7:50 pm

Quick unsnarky aside: I used to think his excuse about vitiligo was total bullshit until I got the fucking thing myself. Now, it may have still been bullshit, but I’m less inclined to mock him for it nonetheless. Vitiligo sucks even when you’re barely off-white.

Bruno June 25, 2009 at 7:51 pm

I hope he builds a tomb that is a just a little bigger than Burris’s with a slightly larger font saying TRAILBLAZER. That will be sure to get under someone’s skin.

Extemporanus June 25, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Touching kids in their swimsuit area I can kinda understand. But wearing chrome-toed shoes to sneak a peak at Barbara’s bush? That’s just flat-out fucking perverted! GAHHH!

Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 7:53 pm

[re=348783]nmmagayar[/re]: How old are you? Have you ever heard of the Jackson 5? He wasn’t the first black guy to cross over into the pop charts, but the first to be a massive cross-over pop star. Remember Soul Train, American Bandstand?? Life didn’t start in the 80s for everyone.

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 7:55 pm

[re=348781]wolfshirts[/re]: I was born in mourning, basically.

Extemporanus June 25, 2009 at 7:55 pm

[re=348787]Bruno[/re]: SEQUINEDBLAZER?

Bruno June 25, 2009 at 7:55 pm

He sure got whiter through the ages. Its too bad Walnuts didn’t think to do this to his black baby, then he could have beat W back in 2000 and we’d be involved in more than 3 wars and have our beloved F-22 program back

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Cardiac arrest, child-molestation arrest, what’s the difference?

Alpha O. Mega June 25, 2009 at 7:57 pm

Michael was an average singer, and a below-average human being, but he was the greatest dancer since Fred Astaire.

Atheist Nun June 25, 2009 at 7:59 pm

I would like to acknowledge the famous albino-by-choice Michael Jackson with this lovely blingee:


Country Club Jihadi June 25, 2009 at 8:00 pm

[re=348786]AxmxZ[/re]: Mr. Jihadi also has vitiligo. It’s real and it sucks.

iantenna June 25, 2009 at 8:02 pm

but can i get a father yod qoute for dearly departed sky sunlight saxon?

Jenny Sanford June 25, 2009 at 8:04 pm

there is just too many of you to say this to one by one so here it is for all who deserve it: screw y’all

RIP Michael.

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 8:05 pm

[re=348798]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: But I loved the Hitchcock version with James Stewart and Kim Novak.

Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 8:06 pm

Is anyone watching Fox to see if this is somehow Barry’s fault (along with Farrah’s death)? Since their fearless leader (RushBo) blamed Barry today for Mark Sanford’s wandering willie.

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=348789]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’m 38, fwiw. I seem to remember some guys named Smokey, Otis, Aretha and Diana. There were Billie, Dinah and Sarah before them. Marian, Leontyne and oh yeah, that other one, Josephine – the highest paid performer of her time. Yeah, life started before the 80′s, wtf did he do?

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=348802]Jenny Sanford[/re]: You just want to screw us all to get revenge on your husband Mark!

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 8:08 pm

Oh, sure, I’m supposed to snark on the Buddha. Thanks a lot, Newell.

Youstonedorjuststupid? June 25, 2009 at 8:08 pm

[re=348783]nmmagayar[/re]: no, no, it wasn’t musically, it was medically. He basically de-Boehnered himself lighter, alot. also.

Guppy06 June 25, 2009 at 8:09 pm

“Next, on Alien Autopsy…”

Hooray For Anything June 25, 2009 at 8:11 pm

Will his nose be buried with him or will it be in a separate casket?

Oldskool June 25, 2009 at 8:11 pm

Micheal Jackson was still alive? Huh.

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 8:12 pm

[re=348809]Youstonedorjuststupid?[/re]: win, thanks. :I just got a little pissy with being told that MJ was a great artist that moved African-American people forward. Fuck that and fuck him

19kevin8 June 25, 2009 at 8:12 pm

Ken, if I didn’t worship the god of irreverence and snark, I’d call you an asshole for this post.

Jim Newell June 25, 2009 at 8:13 pm

[re=348808]Tommmcatt[/re]: Hey, I didn’t write anything!

You people are all so mean. The guy won six NBA championships and even played minor league baseball for a couple of years. Are these not achievements?

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 8:14 pm

..or thanks Layne, I should have said.

Whatever. As Max Schmollle, zen something-or-other, once said:

There is no Ken,
There is no Jim,
There is only Wonkette.

If you meet either of them on the road, punch them.
Not Sara, though.

I thought it appropriate.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 8:14 pm

Can we at least all agree that this is clearly Lou Ferrigno’s doing?

Nerdalicious June 25, 2009 at 8:14 pm

[re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]:
“God I hate CNN.com. I am listening to Sanjay Gupta explain to Wolf why people die when their heart stops beating.”
Thank You! And you know the Death Puppet will be on tonight in shock that he is once again outliving a 50 something yr old. Also, 1 Angel died today & 1 Devil died today. Please remember that creepy boy paid a child 20 million dollars to shut up and go away! Would you pay someone 20 mill if you were innocent? Also, Creepy Boy = Picture of Dorian Grey. Also, I can’t believe he didn’t croak under anesthesia in one of his thousands of plastic surgeries.

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 8:15 pm

[re=348817]Jim Newell[/re]:

Sorry. I’m drunk at work again and forgot to check the byline.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 8:21 pm

[re=348817]Jim Newell[/re]: You are confusing him with a popular African-American sportsman, Jim Brown.

wheelie June 25, 2009 at 8:21 pm

I think it’s sad. How would you feel knowing that Liz Taylor is going to turn up at your funeral and fling herself across your casket?

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 8:22 pm

[re=348826]wheelie[/re]: Crushed to the ground?

NoStyleHere June 25, 2009 at 8:23 pm

[re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: So bad I had to switch over to KRON4 (awful local news in San Francisco) only to hear, “Michael Jackson touched so many people… so many children… he always loved to touch children… especially at Neverland” Oh boy. I

nmmagayar June 25, 2009 at 8:23 pm


Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 8:27 pm

[re=348814]nmmagayar[/re]: “I just got a little pissy with being told that MJ was a great artist that moved African-American people forward.”

I never told you that but feel free to be pissy. What I think Al was saying is that MJ was like the Tiger Woods, Oprah, Obama of POP music (not R&B) BEFORE Tiger Woods, Oprah, Obama came along. Basically that he was the first black(?) super star in POP music — the type of music most white people listen to. Yes, all those other artists you mentioned were/are great R&B artists, but they are not quite as revered in POP music world for the whiteys that MJ was. That is as simple as I can say it.

Guppy06 June 25, 2009 at 8:29 pm

[re=348802]Jenny Sanford[/re]: Is that an offer? Obviously you haven’t been getting much lately, but there sure are a lot of us here…

d4g33z June 25, 2009 at 8:29 pm

[re=348778]Wet Work[/re]: Check the archives. I seem to recall a couple of Easy-E posts. He was a bad-ass. Unless you’ve been banned, of course…

Nerdalicious June 25, 2009 at 8:29 pm

[re=348811]Hooray For Anything[/re]:
“Will his nose be buried with him or will it be in a separate casket?”
Good question. Separate

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 8:30 pm


In my mind, it looks lke that scene from Brazil where Johnathan Pryce knocks over his mother’s best friend’s coffin and jellied ooze comes gushing out all over the floor…

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 8:32 pm

Pop Culture Irony Alert: All creditors will be paid off by raging post-mortis product sales; enough left over for the heirs to fight over for decades.

Nerdalicious June 25, 2009 at 8:32 pm

[re=348796]Atheist Nun[/re]:
Great Bling! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

windupbird June 25, 2009 at 8:38 pm

[re=348727]SuperStarr[/re]: What’s really weird is MJ was Elvis’ son-in-law.

I think that the funeral director won’t have to spend too much time embalming this one.

octupletsmom June 25, 2009 at 8:39 pm

[re=348795]Alpha O. Mega[/re]: No shit. In my not-to-speak-ill-of, damn, the guy could dance!

Makeithurt June 25, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Ken Layne, you’re an awful person. Pitifully awful.

american mutt June 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm

is it fucking 1989??

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm

[re=348794]SomeNYGuy[/re]: A lawyer can get you off the child molestation arrest.

Jenny Sanford June 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm

[re=348833]Guppy06[/re]: what made you think you are among the deserving?

smellyal8r June 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Probably too bad he died (50 is young). But, it’s not like he’s some saint or something. He did do a lot of fund raising for AIDS (with Liz Taylor), but the whole “wriggle in your underpants on the satin bedspread” deal is just too much to look past. RIP, but well…suffice it to say I won’t be tuned in to the 2 hour Dateline tonight to mourn MJ and Farrah. Part of my youth died today, but I’ll get over it. Now, what up with Mark Sanford?

AxmxZ June 25, 2009 at 8:45 pm

[re=348798]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: Who?

OffTheRecord June 25, 2009 at 8:47 pm

The only video game I ever liked in my life was the Michael Jackson game for Sega (maybe?) where he had to rescue the little girl who had been kidnapped and he killed bad guys with his dance moves. It was beyond bizarre and I loved it. That is my Michael Jackson remembrance. So there.

Guppy06 June 25, 2009 at 8:47 pm

[re=348847]Jenny Sanford[/re]: Oh, I’m not. I’m a naughty little boy in need of a spanking.

AnglRdr June 25, 2009 at 8:48 pm

[re=348832]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Al was totally right…MJ had white kids wearing the white glove and parachute pants.

nmmagayar, those others were great talents, but to not recognize what MJ’s accomplishments were is engaging in some revisionist history. Thriller is still the best selling album of all time. So a few white folks had to buy it, too.

WonkaBee June 25, 2009 at 8:50 pm


MGBYG June 25, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Funny how http://www.mcclatchydc.com/ is not mentioning any of this… news snobs!!

assistant/atlas June 25, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=348796]Atheist Nun[/re]: I’m pretty sure one of the many reasons I’m going to hell is that I found your Blingee delightful. See ya there, Ken!

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=348847]Jenny Sanford[/re]:

Psst! Just slink away, there’s a good girl! You’re not going to win this one

AngryBlakGuy June 25, 2009 at 8:53 pm

…thoe photos are so nostalgic; Michael Jackson before his skin was transparent!

WonkaBee June 25, 2009 at 8:53 pm

[re=348806]nmmagayar[/re]: he taught me my ABCs, 123s

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 8:55 pm

Child prodigy to child molestor in so little time.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 8:56 pm

[re=348865]WonkaBee[/re]: Also PYT’s.

facehead June 25, 2009 at 8:57 pm

Can we get a regular weekly feature from Thich Nhat Hanh?

WonkaBee June 25, 2009 at 8:58 pm

[re=348864]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: he looks pretty pasty i the Clinton pic

AngryBlakGuy June 25, 2009 at 8:59 pm

…well theres no rush to bury him now, considering the fact that 90% of whats left of him was manufactured in China or thoroughly embalmed by bleaching creams decades of go!

AngryBlakGuy June 25, 2009 at 9:01 pm

[re=348873]WonkaBee[/re]: …yeah, that was when he was in his “Victorian” stage of vitiligo.

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 9:02 pm

[re=348796]Atheist Nun[/re]: So touching. Is that Pedobear? Is there any word from his brother, Alan Jackson?

d4g33z June 25, 2009 at 9:03 pm

[re=348875]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I think you mean “decades of goo.”

windupbird June 25, 2009 at 9:03 pm

[re=348875]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Yes. I’m guessing he used Porcelana. Maybe Nancy turned him onto it?

CthuNHu June 25, 2009 at 9:04 pm

It’s appalling that on the death of an American icon you would maliciously desecrate his memory and doctor his photographs with the Reagans by putting some black person in. This type of degeneracy has to be condemned.

I don’t even get the point you were trying to make. The second guy’s obviously Little Richard, presumably as a slam on Mr. Jackson’s appropriation of music pioneered by African-Americans, but why the Muammar Gaddafi impersonator in the first pic? Terrorists? Oil wells? Battalions of female ninja bodyguards? What’s the connection

smellyal8r June 25, 2009 at 9:05 pm

[re=348875]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Just 5 percent less than Cher.

boinggg June 25, 2009 at 9:05 pm

[re=348840]windupbird[/re]: It may be awhile before he’s embalmed. Looks like this is shaping up to be a criminal case.

Mahousu June 25, 2009 at 9:06 pm

[re=348873]WonkaBee[/re]: That’s the reason Clinton looks so red in the pic; someone tried (and tried) to bring a little color into Michael’s face in the photo processing and, well, you see the result.

Atheist Nun June 25, 2009 at 9:08 pm

[re=348839]Nerdalicious[/re]: Thanks! I just wanted to be the first to be a total asshole about his death: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
[re=348861]assistant/atlas[/re]: I don’t believe in hell, so you’re welcome at my flashy Afterlife Bar + Casino, drinks are free (but the snack menu prices are hellishly unreasonable.)

AngryBlakGuy June 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm

[re=348879]windupbird[/re]: …or was that is “street mime” stage? Who knows, Im not a doctor!

wolfshirts June 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm

[re=348854]OffTheRecord[/re]: Hellz yes! That video game rocked balls!

Atheist Nun June 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm

[re=348877]bitchincamaro[/re]: Yes, Pedobear is crying a single tear, and wearing a black armband: NEVAR FORGET! lol

Jenny Sanford June 25, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=348862]Tommmcatt[/re]: slinking away: not a Sanford family tradition

you may, though. I remain willing to forgive you completely if you do.

orange June 25, 2009 at 9:13 pm

[re=348796]Atheist Nun[/re]: well done

osama bin drinkin June 25, 2009 at 9:14 pm

they say he’d regressed to being mentally a ten year old. what a crazy thing- being a pop megastar whose experience of child abuse and the rigors of the entertainment industry pushed him into being the richest mental child on earth. you have to wonder what it was like to be one of his handlers. were they exploiting him or trying to take care of him.

only in america!

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 9:16 pm

[re=348888]Atheist Nun[/re]: What do you mean? Pedobear is exuberant with joy! More prepubescent fish in the sea for everyone else, now that he’s out of the picture.

AngryBlakGuy June 25, 2009 at 9:19 pm

…I have a feeling that tomorrow will be a national day of mourning in no fewer than 4 European countries and Japan!

AngryBlakGuy June 25, 2009 at 9:22 pm

…dont be so sad everyone! I’m sure Michael Jackson is up there looking down at us, sipping on a cup of Jesus juice and smiling!

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 9:23 pm

[re=348890]Jenny Sanford[/re]:

Oh, Lord, tiresome already? Can’t we get a better class of troll in here?

AutomaticPilot June 25, 2009 at 9:24 pm

[re=348738]Disco[/re]: Wait, Prince died???

Atheist Nun June 25, 2009 at 9:27 pm

[re=348894]El Bombastico[/re]: lol! But Michael Jackson did introduce the “Confused and Misunderstood ManChild Defense” which many a NAMBLA member used as a weak excuse to molest little boys, and also singlehandedly saved the Adult-Sized Peter Pan Costume Industry…

WonkaBee June 25, 2009 at 9:28 pm

[re=348895]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Michaelmas

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 25, 2009 at 9:30 pm

[re=348817]Jim Newell[/re]: And don’t forget that he was king of that country next to Israel.

clovernode June 25, 2009 at 9:32 pm

I like the Thich Nhat Hanh reference worked in there, very nice!

AutomaticPilot June 25, 2009 at 9:32 pm

[re=348817]Jim Newell[/re]: And at one point he was also Roger Murdoch, the co-pilot.

Atheist Nun June 25, 2009 at 9:32 pm

[re=348891]orange[/re]: “well done”

I’m hoping Jackson will be… in hell. (DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!)
(Oh, wait. That’s right, I don’t believe in hell. How about if Jackson is reincarnated as a mule on Neal Horsley’s farm?)

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 9:33 pm

[re=348900]Atheist Nun[/re]: Good points. I think we should remember history’s greatest entertainer during happier times:


spartacus June 25, 2009 at 9:33 pm

Don’t saddy sad. Think how exciting those London concerts will be now with a REAL Michael Jackson Thriller zombie!!

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 9:34 pm

[re=348748]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: But only if “Heaven” is one of the rooms in his new digs in Bahrain… srsly, until we see the body, we can’t rule out any of the ‘playful’, ‘mischievous’, frighteningly narcissistic ‘games’ a wealthy weirdo like Michael might play….

Hooray For Anything June 25, 2009 at 9:35 pm

[re=348897]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: And all those cherubs up there mean there’s plenty of people to help drink the Jesus Juice with.

Tommmcatt June 25, 2009 at 9:37 pm

[re=348907]El Bombastico[/re]:

I was wondering who would link to that first. Kudos to you, sir.

Atheist Nun June 25, 2009 at 9:40 pm

[re=348907]El Bombastico[/re]: Thank you. I needed Triumph’s wisdom to comfort me in my hour of sociopathic indifference.

Come here a minute June 25, 2009 at 9:43 pm

[re=348786]AxmxZ[/re]: [re=348798]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: Today we are all vitiligo sufferers.

rocktonsammy June 25, 2009 at 9:44 pm

This is good news for Mark Sanford.

Just like 9/11 was good news for Gary Condit.

He’ll still have to duck the thrown ashtrays if wife let him back in the house.

Still bad news for M.J.

RIP King of Pop.

Zadig June 25, 2009 at 9:44 pm

[re=348898]Tommmcatt[/re]: No, Ken has to write a Ron Paul post for that.

Bebe Loves You June 25, 2009 at 9:47 pm

WTF? Michael Jackson used to be BLACK???

Monsieur Grumpe June 25, 2009 at 9:47 pm

[re=348782]Country Club Jihadi[/re]:
Sweet. You should send in the $2 and see what you get.

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 10:09 pm

This just in: L.A. County Sherrif announced that OJ’s glove fits Michael perfectly. Expect indictments!

Extemporanus June 25, 2009 at 10:13 pm


On local cable public access channel MSNBC, the BLACKWASHING of HIStory has begun in earnest!

Mr. Keith T. Olbermann has yet to run archival performance footage of Mr. Michael J. Jackson in which said decedent was not in possession of a) a ‘fro, b) 75% or more of his original nose, or c) some Jerri Curl-&-Play-Doh combination thereof.

Were he with us today, I am certain that the esteemed journalmalist Mr. Edward R. Murrow would expect a more full and honest accounting of the matter than that which is currently on duplicitous display by his self-appointed heir of indignant diatribery, Mr. Keith T. Olbermann.

Unlike the second ‘n’ in Mr. Olbermann’s surname, I refuse to remain silent while the “Drive-by Media” resurfaces Mr. Michael J. Jackson’s long and winding road to dermatologically-faded glory with truck upon tar-filled truck of blatant, blacktopping revisionism!

I demand the truth be laid out in black AND white!


shortsshortsshorts June 25, 2009 at 10:13 pm


This is fucking disgusting.

And to whoever said “there are children being raped in heaven right now,” email me and I’ll buy you a beer. You deserve nothing less. I’ve used that line like 4 times today with “random human people.”

Dozens die in Iran and we act like we lose a family member with MJ. Everyone shits all over this “Neda” thing like Americans are capable of long stints of “compassion.” Not that I put my dice on Neda, but at least she didn’t fall over in one of her many living rooms (probably) because of an OD. US LIBERALS MUST BE SO much better than those eye-sore bible-belt fuckers, really! TOTALLY.

The fucking guy settles a civil molestation claim in the late 90′s, wastes all of his money in 2004 trying to get out of a 20 year sentence, and some of you (not all) are so focused on his 28 platinum’s from “Thriller” or whatever that we treat it like a god damn genocide.

WE ARE SO AWESOME. YAY! Liberals of the world unite— behind one dude.

/end annoying rant.

Monsieur Grumpe June 25, 2009 at 10:15 pm

The real freak show hasn’t even begun.

2009: First they’ll freeze His head in liquid nitrogen.
20010 to 20022: Crowds will start to form around His frozen tomb every year after His death growing larger as time goes on.
2023: A new religion will be formed based on the Teachings of Michael which were given to Bill O’Reilly’s son by angels in vision he had during a New Years Eve party. The teachings were written on paper plates that only Bill O’s son could see.
2044: The male priests of the 55 million people strong Church of Michaelology will not be allowed to marry.
2046: 95% of the Catholic Priests leave the church to join the Michaelologists. All 17 of them.
2047: North Korea blows up the world.

It could happen.

bitchincamaro June 25, 2009 at 10:17 pm

[re=348927]Extemporanus[/re]: Who knew the washed up sportscaster had it in him? Spewlitzer Prize, perhaps?

stew June 25, 2009 at 10:20 pm

A fatal shot of Demerol is what the tabloids are now screaming.

chascates June 25, 2009 at 10:25 pm

I demand someone dig up the body of Princess Diana to ask her thoughts on the passing of Michael Jackson.

AnnieGetYourFun June 25, 2009 at 10:26 pm

“What does he mean, the chair is not his son?”

SO glad I’m not the only one who couldn’t understand who the fuck would care about the paternity of a piece of furniture. Yup, me and the Gipper. Good times.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 10:30 pm

[re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: That’s the stuff!

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 10:31 pm

[re=348929]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Michael Died for Your Sons Sins…

Winsome June 25, 2009 at 10:32 pm

[re=348783]nmmagayar[/re]: He was the first black shown on MTV.

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 10:35 pm

I can barely express my deep gratitude to the Wonkette community for providing a warm, supportive place for all of us to gather together and mourn the tragic, painful coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 10:37 pm

You know who the real winner here is: Dr. Sanjay Gupta. He was looking at an evening of explaining anal cancer on CNN, thanks to Farrah Fawcett. Now he gets to talk about cardiac arrest! Which is marginally more dignified.

Monsieur Grumpe June 25, 2009 at 10:37 pm

Hee hee!

stew June 25, 2009 at 10:37 pm

RIP Michael. Your speckled penis is now in the lord’s hands.

Winsome June 25, 2009 at 10:40 pm

[re=348944]El Bombastico[/re]:Shit, and I really wanted someone to explain anal cancer, especially how you get it.

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 10:41 pm

[re=348946]stew[/re]: The Lord just threw up in his mouth a little.

AnnieGetYourFun June 25, 2009 at 10:42 pm

[re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’m with you, bro.

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 10:42 pm

[re=348944]El Bombastico[/re]: Ah ha! – The Soft Bigotry of Anal Cancer strikes again!

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 10:43 pm

[re=348948]Winsome[/re]: Hair-bleach….

donner_froh June 25, 2009 at 10:45 pm

[re=348781]wolfshirts[/re]: So were (the) “Kennedys”.

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 10:47 pm

[re=348948]Winsome[/re]: Easy. Apparently you get it from being sodomized by Lee Majors.

Hooray For Anything June 25, 2009 at 10:49 pm

[re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: What? Is that silly thing in Iran still going on? I thought it was all taken care of after Obama listened to John McCain and Lindsey Graham and said all those harsh things about the regime and then told them they couldn’t go eat hot dogs?

A Better American Than YOU June 25, 2009 at 10:50 pm

166 comments and counting? We are all Al Sharpton.

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 10:51 pm

[re=348954]El Bombastico[/re]: Or Raquel Welch with a strap-on.

hrhkingfriday June 25, 2009 at 10:52 pm

As the last bit of oxygen drained from the tank, leaving the remains of my father to float in the orange neural-induction fluid, I turned to leave. Blanket! boomed his voice inside my mind. Where are you going? You must not leave me! Blanket! Who will enter the body of Tinkerbell? He laughed harshly. You can’t leave. You don’t know the codes.


Extemporanus June 25, 2009 at 10:52 pm

[re=348927]Extemporanus[/re]: BREAKING!

Please disregard my previous “BREAKING!” comment concerning the BLACKWASHING of HIStory by local cable public access channel MSNBC, and said channel’s indispensably ubiquitous über-anchor, Mr. Keith T. Olbermann.

On either side of commercial breaks, MSNBC is now running—over a snippet of late-oeuvre aural abomination “Man in the Mirror”—an unflinching photo montage depicting the partially decomposed, fully bleached, zombified “King of Pop Pederasts” as we all knew Mr. Michael J. Jackson to be at the time of his long-overdue death.

I stand corrected.

Paul Tardy June 25, 2009 at 10:54 pm

My thoughts on the great one’s death: The American music industry is currently populated with crap acts. You know the US is in trouble when the entertainment industry sucks. RIP MJ, the American that deserved died before you did.

PopeyesPipe June 25, 2009 at 10:58 pm

Abe Vigoda lives! Suck it, losers.

stew June 25, 2009 at 10:59 pm

I’m beginning to think the Rev. Al is something of a media whore…

shortsshortsshorts June 25, 2009 at 11:00 pm

[re=348956]Hooray For Anything[/re]: John McCain will spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Iran, just to have a chance of being elected in 2032, when he is 359.3 years old. He is an odd specimen.

TrashMan June 25, 2009 at 11:01 pm

Hey I’m that annoying guy! Check out my blog! http://trashmansreader.blogspot.com/

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm

[re=348963]Paul Tardy[/re]: Biggie – TupacElvisMICHAEL!

Do anyone have any thoughts on Michael’s releases and career moves?

Tito Puente June 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Ryan Seacrest covering mj’s death on E! is like Bernard Shaw covering the opening bombing of the Gulf War from the Al-Rashid Hotel in Baghdad.

WickedWitch June 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm

[re=348948]Winsome[/re]: Ask Terry Moran of ABC News. He apparently knows.

A Better American Than YOU June 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm

[re=348968]stew[/re]: Yes, The Reverend Mr. Sharpton’s media presence seems to diminish his many achievements, such as….

chascates June 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm

I’m assuming the celebrity crowd is a close-knit and deeply sincere one as I’ve read reports of grief from people I would never have guessed ever meet Mr. Jackson or were that close of a friend to him. While someone saying “he was a fantastic dancer and singer but he was, overall, a pretty fucking weird guy” might be more truthful it would seem to break the bounds of A/B list public condolence norms.

I CAN see Pat Robertson saying he probably is in hell because of the ‘glove’ thing or Michael Steele saying he was a victim of Hollywood crowd influence.

But there was nothing else like him.

vitamins taken helmet on June 25, 2009 at 11:05 pm

OK, MJ memories: Working as a bookstore manager in Houston TX way back in the 80s. My poofta assistant manager goes across the hall to get a couple of beers as we close down the store – “Killer” playing on the mall muzak speakers as the trannies cruise by. Ah, Texas – the home of truly manly men.

WickedWitch June 25, 2009 at 11:05 pm

Oh yeah, ban TrashMan while you’re at it, Ken.

Guppy06 June 25, 2009 at 11:08 pm

[re=348948]Winsome[/re]: Ass-fucking.

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 11:09 pm

Bearbloke[/re]: …Michael’s posthumous releases…

Please forgive me – the Jesus Juice tears are running out of my botoxed eyes and down the tip of my fake detachable nose…

A Better American Than YOU June 25, 2009 at 11:10 pm

I’m thinking Republican death squads took out Mike and Farah, something to distract us unwashed masses.

Texan Bulldoggette June 25, 2009 at 11:11 pm

[re=348970]TrashMan[/re]: Oh, so not cool TrashMan.

imbeccable June 25, 2009 at 11:12 pm

imbeccable June 25, 2009 at 11:12 pm
SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 11:15 pm

[re=348980]Bearbloke[/re]: I predict his posthumous cover of “I Kissed a Girl” will be HUGE.

Jim Newell June 25, 2009 at 11:18 pm

[re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ve been meaning to ask someone for a while: What is “John and Kate plus Eight?” What is it? That’s all. Not googling it either. What is it?

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 11:21 pm

[re=348991]Jim Newell[/re]: “John and Kate + Eight” = a HUGE sloppy (media)orgy! Q.e.d.

bloatedwhitetruck June 25, 2009 at 11:22 pm

A friend of mine used to work in one of those hoity toity B Hills hotels and saw MJ on several occasions. She said there was a uni-nostril where there should have been two. She also said Sly Stallone used to leave a big groaner in the shower every morning. The cleaning staff flipped coins to see who had to remove Stallone’s night soil.

shortsshortsshorts June 25, 2009 at 11:22 pm

[re=348991]Jim Newell[/re]: It’s terrible. I haven’t had the EXCITING opportunity to watch (I never made a molestation claim against Michael Jackson like the other 50 million people since 1984), but Google News has somehow managed to fuck the American people with it, anally, for the last 2 years.

Chesterfields June 25, 2009 at 11:23 pm

Every time a Republican fucks an Argie, Obama kills Michael Jackson. :(


bloatedwhitetruck June 25, 2009 at 11:23 pm

Has anyone gone over to the Jackson compound and tossed the place for the remaining vials of Demerol?

Me? I’m gone, like now………

chascates June 25, 2009 at 11:29 pm

[re=348997]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: And percodan! He probably had 55-gal. drums of it!

Extemporanus June 25, 2009 at 11:30 pm

[re=348943]SomeNYGuy[/re]: Mid-mundanely positively reply to your truly cockle-warming comment, I happened to catch Olbermann and Zia Modabber—Michael Jackson’s attorney from 1993-2004—discussing how the King of Pop held up under all that stress and strain.

MODABBER: “He was bombarded for the period of time from the early ’90s through early 2004 with constant lawsuits. The ones I handled were primarily business disputes and related things. He used to say: ‘I’ve got to have rhinoceros skin to get through this.’ And he did.”

Rhinoceros skin? OK, I’ll buy that…

But then Olbermann segued into how the “pressure bubble animated some of his songs,” and the lawyer referenced “Leave Me Alone” and how he remembers Jackson “just screaming it out.”

After 170+, your comment may prove most trenchant of all.

Also, right this minute, someone outside is blasting “Black or White” from their car stereo. I live in San Francisco, and that shit wouldn’t even fly in the Castro during Pride Weekend.

I fear there will be blood before this night is done…

El Bombastico June 25, 2009 at 11:30 pm

[re=348980]Bearbloke[/re]: I am also drinking Jesus Juice, in memoriam. However, tonight I am referring to it as “Satan’s Nectar”.

Jim Newell June 25, 2009 at 11:31 pm

[re=348995]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: There is a headline on CNN.com right now: “Jon ‘hurt’ by Kate’s remarks about ‘activities’”

This headline could explain ~200 million different situations in America right now.

ms_mcgee June 25, 2009 at 11:32 pm

All I have to say is: Oh nose.

Bearbloke June 25, 2009 at 11:32 pm

[re=348997]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: [re=348995]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:
Any word yet from Jacko’s tight young boy-toy, Jordan Chandler? It’s time for Wonkette to go get THAT scoop!

SomeNYGuy June 25, 2009 at 11:37 pm

[re=349002]Extemporanus[/re]: Thanks. I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I have already disconnected the cable from my TV and will watch only DVDs of old Japanese movies until this thing blows over. I suspect I am about to see every yakuza flick ever made. Twice.

shortsshortsshorts June 25, 2009 at 11:40 pm

[re=349005]Jim Newell[/re]: MORE REASONS TO BE EXCITED, JIM. If this country has a chance, Michael Jackson will rise from the dead to save their marriage, as well as EVERY marriage ever.

Those Iranian married can go to hell, though, as they have never seen the Neverland Ranch, OR had sex with Lisa Marie (maybe)— and her children.


Extemporanus June 25, 2009 at 11:48 pm

[re=348966]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Suck it, indeed! This was my homepage for a while back in 2000: Abe Vigoda Status

Nearly 10 years later, and good ol’ Fish is still going strong…

wolfshirts June 25, 2009 at 11:53 pm

[re=348887]wolfshirts[/re]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF89npFbn8g

OffTheRecord June 26, 2009 at 12:08 am

[re=349012]wolfshirts[/re]: YES! If I would have only understood the irony of Michael Jackson rescuing little kids at the time that game would have been even more awesome than it already was.

Nerdalicious June 26, 2009 at 12:21 am

Yes, I am hearing all sorts of things. Guess on my part but…as a medical person: he just had surgery for skin cancer last week & postponed these concerts. He might have been on massive doses of pain meds. Also, they are saying he was anorexic for years maybe decades. Then, the grueling dance routines practicing for the upcoming 50 tour dates of a person who is out of shape, anorexic, on lots of pain meds and god knows what else. I think they will find a lot of different substances in his bloodstream or 1 large dose of something & tie it in to his general poor health etc..Autopsy tomorrow, full toxic screening a few weeks. Just an educated guess.

Hooray For Anything June 26, 2009 at 12:26 am

[re=349008]SomeNYGuy[/re]: I went into my DVR and put one of those parental block thingamajiggers on CNN, FOX, and MSNBC as I suspect this will be of Princess Diana type media circus. I read a lot of books that week.

[re=348995]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I have never once watched a second of John & Kate but feel like I know more about them than I do my mother at this point. I could probably even tell you what all the hubbub is about them despite the fact I’ve never even sought out any information about them. None of these things are things I’m particularly happy about.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 26, 2009 at 12:36 am

[re=348954]El Bombastico[/re]: Well, he was bionic and built in the 70s. Can you imagine the carcinogens that went into his penis?

[re=348966]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Yep. Alive! must be out dancing and getting drunk, ’cause s/he hasn’t posted today.

[re=349005]Jim Newell[/re]: So, this has something to do with Iran?

Wet Work June 26, 2009 at 12:37 am

[re=348834]d4g33z[/re]: aw c’mon, it’s a ‘first’ offense.

Back-to-back MJ and Farrah tributes on the teevee leave me wondering where I misplaced my appreciation for mawkish, gushing sentimentality. And vapidness. Can Barbara Walters be the next to go?

SomeNYGuy June 26, 2009 at 12:41 am

[re=349022]Wet Work[/re]: Can Barbara Walters be the next to go?

No, she made a deal with the devil. In fact she “dated” him. You remember Roy Cohn?

villageatrois June 26, 2009 at 12:44 am

[re=349015]OffTheRecord[/re]: Jeez, irony! MJ dies of an arrest, after surviving so many. Farrah dies of ass cancer. God has a sense of humor.

chascates June 26, 2009 at 12:47 am

Waiting on the headline:

“Farrah Fawcett. If she hadn’t died hours before him what would she say about the King of Pop?”
“Doomed passengers of Air France 447 had no clue Jacko would barely outlive them.”
but especially
“Obamacare. Would it have saved MJ?”

imissopus June 26, 2009 at 12:54 am

Reagan was confused. He thought Jacko was the generalissimo of some Caribbean banana republic.

assistant/atlas June 26, 2009 at 12:59 am

[re=348991]Jim Newell[/re]: Since no one else seems to have answered your question… “Jon” is a passive half-Korean man-child, “+” is their too-early, now-sexless marriage, “Kate” is a control freak, “Plus” is their medically-assisted fertility, “Eight” is the number of adorable children they exploit for money and fame (two twin girls, plus sextuplets).

chascates June 26, 2009 at 1:02 am

Hey [re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Get your candle!

NY Times: Impromptu get-togethers are being organized tonight around the United States to bring together fans who want to celebrate Mr. Jackson’s memory. Informal events are scheduled for several public parks around San Francisco, including Dolores Park and Golden Gate Park. In addition, one San Francisco event being coordinated through Facebook is calling for fans of the pop icon to reenact a rendition of “Thriller,” Mr. Jackson’s horror-themed music video featuring dancing zombies. The “Thriller” event is scheduled to start at 6:30 p.m. Pacific Time in Justin Herman Plaza in downtown San Francisco.

hobospacejunkie June 26, 2009 at 1:15 am

[re=348994]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: Stallone’s “Night Soil.” That is the most awesome story ever told, today.

However, the question remains: why did Rocky leave a steaming pile in the tub every morning? Satanic ritual? Scientological imperative? Irritable bowel syndrome? Can Wonkette’s crack investigative staff give us the answers? Why is the MSM burying this important story?

Wet Work June 26, 2009 at 1:21 am

At least he went out while he was still on top drugs.

Bearbloke June 26, 2009 at 1:22 am

[re=349033]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Maybe it simply fell out of Stallone’s monstrously overstretched and distended asshole as he stood up in the shower – don’t forget that his character’s original name was “Goatse”, not “Rocky”…

Bearbloke June 26, 2009 at 1:30 am

Overheard rumour: Allegedly, Jacko died of the MEXICAN SWINE DEATH PLAGUE PANDEMIC that he was exposed to while rehearsing last night without a mask…

chascates June 26, 2009 at 1:31 am

I feel the saddest for Potential President Sarah Palin. She picked today to unveil her latest outrage, OUTRAGE, that someone had done:

“malicious desecration of a photo of the Governor and baby Trig that has become an iconic representation of a mother’s love for a special needs child.”

This incredible photo of a strong, quiet mother and her once disposable baby that has replaced the photo of Old Glory being raised on Mt. Iwo Jima in the hearts of all Americans and non-thinking persons everywhere. And now it’s been ruined by the drug-addled death of someone who never probably even thought about his children assuming they actually are his and not a prop acquired to further his career.

FlownOver June 26, 2009 at 1:32 am

This “death” joke is another case of Hollywood types stepping WAAY over the line to mouth-rape one of Sarah Palin’s children. We’re organizing a protest for the “memorial service,” and we demand that this Jackson person be fired until he apologizes twice and we get to mention the brave troops.

Nerdalicious June 26, 2009 at 1:33 am

I wonder if Noonington will have some drunken diatribe on this Jackson creep show. Anyone? :)

petermoore June 26, 2009 at 1:34 am

I’m pretty sure Sly Stone was black and a pop star and would’ve kicked Michael Jackson’s ass if he wasn’t completely coked out

lizard scum June 26, 2009 at 1:41 am

Michael Jackson seems like somebody who understood the illusory nature of the self. But instead of renouncing anything, he doubled down on the “illusory” part.

chascates June 26, 2009 at 1:42 am

[re=349039]Nerdalicious[/re]: Nope. The latest offering is:
“To-Do List: A Sentence, Not 10 Paragraphs
By trying to do too much, he [Obama] risks not doing enough.”

Wet Work June 26, 2009 at 1:49 am

[re=349042]chascates[/re]: “trying to do too much, he risks not doing enough”

Funny, I got that in a fortune cookie the other night.

lawrenceofthedesert June 26, 2009 at 1:51 am

If you don’t think Michael Jackson was incredibly influential, just look at Major League Baseball; tonight all the players of both leagues took the field wearing one glove.

chascates June 26, 2009 at 1:56 am

[re=349043]Wet Work[/re]: What the hell could that possibly mean? Then Pegs goes on to quote Clare Boothe Luce, a quote that’s probably been lodged inside her for a while, like the remains of a shriveled cart hot dog that won’t willingly make it’s way into the City’s underground infrastructure.

Michael and Lady Noonington would have made quite a pair.

GaySailor June 26, 2009 at 2:03 am

Well, I beg to differ about Governor Sanford! Michael Jackson dying doesn’t get him off the hook, it just reminds of us all the Republican Pedophilia scandals, along with whatever the hell Governor Sanford was doing that made him do all that “crying in Argentina…” I still can’t believe Sanford actually said he was “crying in Argentina” during his meltdown of a press conference. Lame-O!

GaySailor June 26, 2009 at 2:04 am

[re=349044]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: I noticed THAT! chortle.

Mr Blifil June 26, 2009 at 2:07 am

[re=348991]Jim Newell[/re]: Jon and Kate Plus 8 is a media circus designed to abuse children and bust unions in one fell swoop.

Wet Work June 26, 2009 at 2:07 am

[re=349046]chascates[/re]: I think it’s one of those Zen koan thingies, or as the roundeyes refer to it, obfuscation. Clare Booth Luce … wasn’t she the one that chopped up her parents? … maybe that was Lizzie Borden (Molly Hatchet?) … hmmm …

Nerdalicious June 26, 2009 at 2:11 am

Holy Crap! Lady Noonington was just arrested in a drunken moon walk rendition at a Jackson tribute mob thingee. Short Shorts was there with his candles and took this pic.

BMK June 26, 2009 at 2:15 am

Farrah Fawcett at the pearly gates.
Angel grants her 1 wish.
Farrah “please keep the children safe”.

Nerdalicious June 26, 2009 at 2:18 am

O.K. here she is at the Jackson moonwalk thingee
That linketh sucketh

Extemporanus June 26, 2009 at 2:43 am

[re=349029]chascates[/re]: OH MY GOD REALLY?!

I played a minor yet vital supporting role the last time something like this went down:

In 2007—in response to that “Thrilla in Manilla” viral video of orange jumpsuit-clad prancing Filipino zombie convicts—an international, multi-city, world record-setting event dubbed “Thrill the World” was perpetrated.

A friend of mine was one of the lead zombies at the SF event, and I loaned him my immaculate, vintage, “Beat It”-esque-but-better, fire-engine red leather jacket to wear for added authenticity. Look for the bearded dude on the right side of the frame in this super shitty video.*

Also, listen for the choreographer’s call-outs of “shoulder, shoulder” and whatnot for added Hi-larity.

Luckily, for me, it was like 95 degrees that day, and said jacket still reeks of perspiration, face paint, and artificially manufactured meme.

(*Though this took place in SF, and half the zombies worked for tech companies, every single goddamn online video looks like it was shot with a Fisher-Price® PixelVision™ camera by someone suffering from the advanced stages of Parkinson’s Disease. I have no fucking clue why that is.)

Rev. Peter Lemonjello June 26, 2009 at 3:18 am

All I can think of is when Anna Nicole and/or Ronald Reagan died. Teh librul medias fellated the story for 6-7 days until we were all driven to mule kick the elderly and punch babies in the face.

Either way, this ends in a vicious cycle of me throwing a remote through my teevee.

Congratulations to Circuit City for THE WIN!


Extemporanus June 26, 2009 at 3:46 am

For the answer to how Skynet will really fuck the living shit out of the human race, one need look no further than the recent comments posted to any given goddamn Michael Jackson video on YouTube.

And to think: This whole time we’ve been worrying about that point at which machines will finally become totally self-aware, when in fact machines have merely been waiting for that point at which humans will finally become totally un-self-aware.

That point could very well be upon us, thanks in no small part to the societal-sharking precipitated by the death of our dearly departed King of Pop.


goodluck/badluck June 26, 2009 at 3:49 am

While thousands of brave human beings are being beaten, jailed, tortured, and killed in the streets of Iran, all we can talk about is Michael Jackson. It is a mark of shame upon our nation that we have forgotten what is truly important: the possibility that the publishing rights to all the Beatles’ music might now belong to a chimpanzee.

foog June 26, 2009 at 4:11 am

[re=349050]Mr Blifil[/re]: Most excellent addressing of a tangential point while staying 100% on topic I’ve ever seen!

Gort June 26, 2009 at 4:19 am

[re=349064]goodluck/badluck[/re]: Who will bait poor Bubble’s fishing hooks at the Neverland Ranch Pond now that his dear Master/baiter is gone?

Adolf Bachmann June 26, 2009 at 4:22 am

Ed McMahon, finally first banana of this three banana split. RIP EM, FF, MJ with a cherry on top!

villageatrois June 26, 2009 at 4:57 am

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson. Shit! That’s the usual three. Was hoping for Dick Cheney to complete the Three Stars.

Now I’m reduced to hoping Cheney will initiate the next Three Stars. (sigh)

agitpropster June 26, 2009 at 5:07 am

Q: How do you know it’s bedtime at Neverland?

A:When the big hand touches the little hand.

Elm Hugger June 26, 2009 at 5:44 am

Well, i was just on the Huffington Post and they have a spot on it for listing your “michael moment”. WTF this guy was at best just a average singer, now I am going to be blasted with remembrances of what a great guy blah, blah, blah he was. Back to 7-11 for more Ripple…..

goodluck/badluck June 26, 2009 at 5:49 am
pussycat June 26, 2009 at 7:29 am

He didn’t really have a heart attack. He had a stroke in the children’s ward.

Too early?

x111e7thst June 26, 2009 at 7:57 am

[re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: Even the Buddha and Thich Nhat Hanh hate CNN.com.

“All boredom/nausea arises because of CNN.com. If CNN.com is erased can boredom/nausea remain?”

Mr. Dick Sprinkles June 26, 2009 at 8:13 am

I’m on a self-imposed news blackout until the tidal wave of mawkish, inane obits subsides. Effin’ hypocritical pedophile. “Let’s save all the children” while he selfishly blows through hundreds of millions of dollars in utterly frivolous spending in order to buttress his ginormous megalomania. Yeah I know, he was an abused, talented innocent thrust into show-biz stardom at a fragile age, blah blah blah. Tough crap—there is very little if any evidence of him trying to undo the damage in a purely philanthropic manner. Good riddance, Bambi, you creepy, self-obsessed asshole.

norbizness June 26, 2009 at 8:41 am

Who’s going to cuddle with the remains of the Elephant Man now?

What’s the difference between Neverland Ranch and a kids’ clothing sale at K-Mart? (you can answer this one)

ericblair June 26, 2009 at 8:56 am

Wow, mean stuff. I guess compassion is pretty unfashionable.

azw88 June 26, 2009 at 8:57 am

[re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: waht about all the heartless bastards in the world, how are HTEY supposed to know?

Speed Ball June 26, 2009 at 9:02 am

[re=349077]Mr. Dick Sprinkles[/re]: Yeah… but the moonwalk!!!!

dave666 June 26, 2009 at 9:03 am

Everybody talks about celebrities dying in threes. What about David Carradine? Are we 2 short?

A Better American Than YOU June 26, 2009 at 9:06 am

I may turn off my google and my teevee until the Mikey storm passes and we can get back to important stuff like Mark Sanford and the DC Christian “love shack” where he and Ensign hang out.

Nerdalicious June 26, 2009 at 9:11 am

[re=349077]Mr. Dick Sprinkles[/re]:
I agree. I am sick of all the slobbering tributes. He was no better than that pedophile and his girlfriend dragging that poor kid all over the country, who was just found. The latest: It looks like a Demerol overdose. They are saying he got a Demerol injection and just dropped dead. Respiratory Failure. This probabaly wasn’t heart disease as the media is reporting.

CivicHoliday June 26, 2009 at 9:11 am

[re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: high horse: get off it. (WTF does any of this have to do with liberalism? are you having a Fox News moment?)

Gunner June 26, 2009 at 9:21 am

My first thought was that the announcement of his “death” was a publicity stunt by Jacko himself. That was followed by the horrifying thought that like his father-in-law Elvis, his base of rabid fans will refuse to believe he is truly dead.

Col Kernel June 26, 2009 at 9:36 am

Cardiac arrest: It’s just a killa’.

TGY June 26, 2009 at 9:47 am

So, Ken, you recommend Michael Jackson fans remain in touch with their deceased hero via Twitter?

The one name I am surprised to hear in all the mortuary hoopla is Uri Geller. The fraud is still around!

kapish June 26, 2009 at 9:51 am

This news cycle will be over tomorrow – right?

Lazy Media June 26, 2009 at 9:55 am

[re=348772]El Bombastico[/re]: The Varsity is on Spring Street and North Avenue.

paintitblack June 26, 2009 at 10:00 am

WTF?? I forget the crapulousness of the teev & it’s insanity of weeping/gushing for days on end about celebs dying. I mean: MJ? Fuck me dead, but the dude was a pedophile who wasted his life and his munies behaving badly. Yeah, yeah, he released some good tunes in the frigging ’80s, but he RAPED kids, folks. And RIP to Farah & all, but again: a washed up ’80s teevee star (or was it the ’70s?). I don’t care. I almost don’t care as much as I don’t care about whoeverthehell this weird John & Kate couple are (with however many zillions of children they had irresponsibly). Sheesh. Could not believe/stand Keith Overthetop last night, but only watched, like, 5 min of his nonsensical “concern” palavar.


Next topic, please!!!!!!!!

bureaucrap June 26, 2009 at 10:05 am

[re=349130]paintitblack[/re]: THANK YOU!!!

I mean, yes it’s easier to be snarky about MJ than about health care reform or ahmedinejad, but celebrities are barely more real than the easter bunny or Harry and Louise.

El Bombastico June 26, 2009 at 10:09 am

[re=349126]Lazy Media[/re]: Apologies. My knowledge of Atlanta geography is derived entirely from R. Kelly songs.

A Better American Than YOU June 26, 2009 at 10:10 am

Everybody talks about celebrity deaths, but who is actually doing anything about it?

windupbird June 26, 2009 at 10:26 am

[re=349082]ericblair[/re]: I read another comment elsewhere that basically sums up how I feel about this: that the Michael worth mourning died about 20 years ago. That is all.

gurukalehuru June 26, 2009 at 10:28 am

So, Ken, we have something in common. Ecstasy in Prague. One wonderful evening I will always remember, it was winter of ’99-’00, we walked up to the castle, we were standing in the same square where Obama spoke, the rooftops below were all covered in snow and there was plenty of moon shining. Very fairy tale-ish.
We (two guys and a girl) decided it would be fun just to spin around and get really dizzy, like little kids. It was. Fun.

shortsshortsshorts June 26, 2009 at 10:35 am

[re=349090]CivicHoliday[/re]: Haha Billie Jean was not his lover, he’s just some boy who thinks that he was the one, but the KID was not his son (Federal indictment). DUDUDUDU Thinks that HE WAS THE ONE, BUT MOMMY said to always think twice. Daddy didn’t think so.

nappyduggs June 26, 2009 at 10:38 am

[re=349139]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: For or against? Cuz I’ve got a manifesto and a summer vacation…..

You’re going DOWN, Phyllis Diller.

gmdoll June 26, 2009 at 10:42 am

[re=348909]Bearbloke[/re]: I think he’s in hiding with Ken Lay on an island arranged by GHWB & the Saudis!

Scott-san June 26, 2009 at 10:45 am

[re=349130]paintitblack[/re]: I’m starting to feel like a human again. Thanks.

Now if a FOURTH celebrity dies over the weekend, America will be irretrievably fucked and confused.

proudgrampa June 26, 2009 at 10:47 am

To this day, I think that MJ interview with Ed Bradley was the creepiest thing I have ever seen…

TGY June 26, 2009 at 10:48 am

[re=349136]El Bombastico[/re]: If you’d ever eaten at the Varsity here in Atlanta, you’d always remember where it is so as to avoid it in future. Unforgettable.

Deepthroat June 26, 2009 at 10:49 am

I can never decide if i feel really bad for him or not. Do you think he really was a child toucher? I go back and forth between that and the theory that he really was just a really screwed up individual with a peter pan complex due to his lack of a normal childhood (and also the beatings and stuff from poppy.) He definitely had some issues with his appearance that makes me have a sad. He truly thought he was a hideous freak. I guess I don’t have any real emotion one way or the other about his death. I saw it on the tubes last night, turned to my BF and stated my faked-death theory, and then , “meh”, continued to watch the fourth season of X-Files on DVD for the third time. I’m glad i missed the TeeVee coverage. RIP Farrah. You gave good hair and you were equally batshit at times.

Speed Ball June 26, 2009 at 11:01 am


Deepthroat June 26, 2009 at 11:08 am

i’m sorry, that was really pointless. I’m going to go back to my self-imposed Wonkette commenting exile until i can produce something worth saying again. Iran has really got me down. Everything seems so trivial to me. :(

TGY June 26, 2009 at 11:18 am

[re=349179]Speed Ball[/re]: Hah, if he had truly broken new ground it would’ve been the MARSWALK.

Wet Work June 26, 2009 at 11:21 am

Just read that MJ shucked his mortal coil $400 million in debt. Now THAT I can respect. Call me a fan after all.

Go Figure June 26, 2009 at 11:28 am

This post is disconcerting. Babbs, Nancy & Ron Headrest, Clintoon, & Michael Jackson.
At least MJ had the sense to wear gloves when dealing with republican presidents!

Really, MJ’s story is sad– his Father beat the kids into perfect performing form.
MJ had no childhood as a result. Tweaked for life, MJ went on to embrace weird clothes, and live behind a mask of excessive plastic surgery.
I never understood the crotch grabbing public display (they have products for personal itching issues!)…..
and even after multiple spendy lawsuits, MJ never understood what was wrong with a 40 something year old man sleeping with young boys??

His 3 kids Paris, Prince & Blanket (or is it Prince #2???) can now take the masks off, and get some serious therapy. Just keep them away from grandpa & his beating belt!

They are now calling MJ the pre Obama Obama??? Let’s not think of MJ’s “demons”…. yea- put pedophilia aside, he was a Community Organizer of a different sort. A sequined Pied Piper with an amusement park in his back yard.

The guy had some kind of creative talent, but the circumstances of his forced childhood stardom tweaked him for life.
He did not seem to find peace in life…..
I hope he finds it in death. RIP

CivicHoliday June 26, 2009 at 11:32 am

[re=349159]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: awwww…all is forgiven. for serious, though, celebrity worship crosses all political, socioeconomic and racial/ethnic boundaries. it is a sickness pervading all facets of American culture (and more and more cultures internationally). the current news vomit on MJ is horrific, and I plan to watch as little of it as possible.

d34dfish June 26, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 26, 2009 at 12:17 pm

[re=349060]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: But think of the benefits to the economy if everyone would follow your lead. Circuit City might have made it if they had only lasted this long.

[re=349069]agitpropster[/re]: How is Michael Jackson like a little child?

They both blew Bubbles.

[re=349139]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Yes, once again, Obama has failed us all.

teebob2000 June 26, 2009 at 1:03 pm

The bestest comment of all I heard during the coverage was a reporter telling about going to Neverland, and seeing a giant black velvet painting showing MJ, Muhammad Ali, MLK Jr and Jesus. WOW, bet that’s a vision that never leaves you!

ivenson June 26, 2009 at 1:08 pm

[re=349154]windupbird[/re]: AGREED! Yesterday wasn’t the “tragedy”….it’s been a fucking tragedy for twenty years. Yesterday was just when all the wear and tear finally caught up to monster-face.

Damn shame we have to wait 6 weeks for the toxicology report. I expect it to be in Anna Nicole/Elvis territory.

GaySailor June 26, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Anyone, but me, find it odd LaToya Jackson was one of THE FIRST to arrive at the hospital when Michael Jackson was brought there?

Its a conspiracy!

The sex change is complete, and Michael will now be living as LaToya 100% of the time…

GaySailor June 26, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Michael aka “LaToya” grieving the “death of Michael” as she leaves the hospital AFTER his secret sex change!


proudgrampa June 26, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=349373]GaySailor[/re]: You, sir, have a devious mind. I love it!

testiclease June 26, 2009 at 7:40 pm

Holy Joker Make-up Batman. Al in front of the “Al” pollo. Truly a Toni award winning, self promoting, bombastic bag of bullshit performance. I have to wonder if he’s been drinking his own Kool-aid. I’m willing to give the devil his due and agree that MJ was talented. But as for furthering the “Black” cause breaking down barriers. MJ only stood on the shoulders of FREAKS., siphoned off a little bit from column a some from column b and created a Frankenstein character of himself. He ran it up the flag pole and watched as the world saluted. MTV played Thriller because someone was smart enough to see the potential $$$ and a way to promote MTV. Not because Sir Michael was slaying civil dragons that no longer existed nor was he kicking down barriers that whitey had thrown up to impede the black entertainers march to success. He merely found a formula that served his own means to an end and applied it liberally. No dreams of leading his people to the promised land or any such lofty ideals. Just self promotion. Elvis and Col. Tom showed the way. Rev. Al will continue to cry fake tears and beat the MJ drum only so long as it serves to promote Rev. Al then he’s off to his next self-serving agenda. Standing on the shoulders of freaks.

Ken Layne June 27, 2009 at 4:02 am

[re=349156]gurukalehuru[/re]: YES, that is a good thing.

problemwithcaring June 29, 2009 at 5:28 pm

[re=349373]GaySailor[/re]: Why? Latoya was obviously the first one there. She needed to be surgically removed from his coattails.

Mad Farmer Manifest June 30, 2009 at 1:08 pm

[re=348946]stew[/re]: Instead of some sick kid’s hands.

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