The man in the mirror ... is Barbara Bush Sr.!One-man circus Michael Jackson has officially died, and somebody is very, very happy about this news. (That “somebody” is Mark Sanford. Adios, Mark! Enjoy the rest of your life.) We, of course, could give a hoot about Michael Jackson, although your editor once free-lanced a “concert review” of Wacko Jacko’s post-pedophile (?) 1996 performance in Prague, and the National Enquirer paid something like $500, enough for a plane ticket back to America. So, thanks, Michael! Thanks for the good times, and thanks to Vladan for getting us the Ecstasy so we could tolerate that awful spectacle. Also, Michael, you sure did get yourself photographed with a lot of 1980s and ’90s presidents! You were truly the Barack Obama of that particular era.

Dana Carvey impersonator George H.W. Bush No. 41 Senior sure doesn’t look too comfortable with Jacko in the picture above. But Poppy was never about Hollywood. He found it all vulgar and awful, unlike his predecessor:

Nobody wants to be startin' somethin'.
Nobody loved taking White House pictures with Jacko more than the Reagans. You might think, what does this insane delusional Hollywood performer have in common with Michael Jackson. Plenty! Reagan played a chimp called “Bonzo,” and Jacko used to fuck a chimp called “Bubbles.” Not so different after all ….

'And say hi to Pedobear from me and Nancy ...'
Reagan even sent kindly letters to Jacko, like this actual historical example of the president just kissing so much celebrity ass. Hey, this creepy pervert disco kid is very famous, let’s befriend him! Who cares if he’s black or whatever, he’s working on that problem, too!

'Well he sure *looks* like a lawn jockey, mommy. I don't see why we can't put him in the Rose Garden.'
“What does he mean, the chair is not his son?”

'The doggone girl is mine, Bill.'And that wraps up tonight’s Children’s Treasury of Presidents Posing With Michael Jackson (RIP). Oh, we’ll throw in this frightening alien Jacko and red-bulb Bill Clinton, for the completists out there. What else? What else to say, about this fame-crazed oddball and his somewhat-expected death? How about this, from the Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh:

The Buddha has a very different understanding of our existence. It is the understanding that birth and death are notions. They are not real. The fact that we think they are true makes a powerful illusion that causes all our suffering. The Buddha taught there is no birth, there is no death; there is no coming, there is no going; there is no same, there is no different; there is no permanent self, there is no annihilation. We only think there is. When we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear. It is a great relief. We can enjoy life and appreciate it in a new way.

The same thing happens when we lose any of our beloved ones.

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  1. God I hate I am listening to Sanjay Gupta explain to Wolf why people die when their heart stops beating. And Wolf asks, “is there some clue people can watch for to know if they’re experiencing cardiac arrest”? Yeah, your fucking heart stops beating and you pass out.

  2. HW’s all like: yeah, ok, see’s ya later, whacko, uh, Jacko. But Nancita’s all like, yes, Daddy, this charming youth really is a performer, just like you once were. Bubba looks like he’s takin’ one of his numerous fun-ladies to the prom (urk).

  3. I love Thich Nhat Hanh. He and the Buddha break my brain. Bye, Michael. Thanks for the Moonwalk, srsly. It was beyond awesome.

  4. You know, come to think of it, I’ve never seen Michael Jackson and W. together. It explains a lot, when you think of it.

    And I’m pretty sure that picture with Nancy and the Alzheimer’s patient is of statues at Madame Tussauds.

    [re=348717]Wet Work[/re]: Oh, that’s a banning.

  5. That’s alright…on Lou Dobbs, their “health” reporter said that many people don’t realize they have heart problems until “they have a heart attack or die”. That’s a helluva time to find out you had a health problem…

  6. This is such sad news.
    I think he gave the best superbowl performance I’ll see in my lifetime.
    You said it best in your song “I Would Die 4 You”.
    RIP, I Wish U Heaven!

  7. My sympathies to those who loved him, but I’ll bet he eighty-sixed himself after one too many mornings of looking in the mirror.

  8. The sad part of this article on Jacko’s life and death is that the comments on Buddhism by “Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh” were the only memorable part. Sorry Michael.

  9. [re=348743]Makeithurt[/re]: This would be one of those times Timmy pretended he didn’t also work for MSNBC and go hide somewhere under Tom Brokaw’s skirt.

  10. [re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: Gee, did CNN ever confirm he died? They’re a bunch of real crackerjack journalists over there.

  11. [re=348734]smellyal8r[/re]: RE: [re=348738]Disco[/re]: I think he gave the best superbowl performance I’ll see in my lifetime.

    Well, Disco, if you die before the next superbowl, you’ll know you have health problems.

  12. [re=348766]nmmagayar[/re]: aah..I think he was just saying Michael was breaking color barriers before those guys. Al’s a media whore, but I do believe he loves his fellow brothers (MJ, James Brown).

  13. [re=348764]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You joke, but the feed just “independently confirmed” it about 5 minutes ago. I realize that its staffed by interns from the local community college and filmed in the basement of the Varsity on 14th Street, but come on!

  14. [re=348770]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I know, and to think, all I would have asked for would have been the rights to Beatles library and a Ferris Wheel

  15. Good Trifecta Mourning, America!

    And in other news:
    How do you solve a problem like Sharia?
    How do you solve a problem like North Korea?
    How do you solve a problem like Mark ‘n Maria?
    How do you solve a problem like Malia? (at the rate of her growth, she’ll be the next Washington Monument by 2012)

  16. I’m looking at my ABC album dust jacket, which I bought in 1971. It says I can order MJ’s “personal soul mate kit” for $2, plus the most groovy photo of Magic Michael. Your friends will freak and flip out! If you love the Jammin’ J5, send away for this giant offer now!
    Of course, I ordered the Germaine soul mate kit, and my mother was not amused. Upon reflection, the “Tito-riffic” package looks pretty awesome.

  17. Quick unsnarky aside: I used to think his excuse about vitiligo was total bullshit until I got the fucking thing myself. Now, it may have still been bullshit, but I’m less inclined to mock him for it nonetheless. Vitiligo sucks even when you’re barely off-white.

  18. I hope he builds a tomb that is a just a little bigger than Burris’s with a slightly larger font saying TRAILBLAZER. That will be sure to get under someone’s skin.

  19. Touching kids in their swimsuit area I can kinda understand. But wearing chrome-toed shoes to sneak a peak at Barbara’s bush? That’s just flat-out fucking perverted! GAHHH!

  20. [re=348783]nmmagayar[/re]: How old are you? Have you ever heard of the Jackson 5? He wasn’t the first black guy to cross over into the pop charts, but the first to be a massive cross-over pop star. Remember Soul Train, American Bandstand?? Life didn’t start in the 80s for everyone.

  21. He sure got whiter through the ages. Its too bad Walnuts didn’t think to do this to his black baby, then he could have beat W back in 2000 and we’d be involved in more than 3 wars and have our beloved F-22 program back

  22. Is anyone watching Fox to see if this is somehow Barry’s fault (along with Farrah’s death)? Since their fearless leader (RushBo) blamed Barry today for Mark Sanford’s wandering willie.

  23. [re=348789]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’m 38, fwiw. I seem to remember some guys named Smokey, Otis, Aretha and Diana. There were Billie, Dinah and Sarah before them. Marian, Leontyne and oh yeah, that other one, Josephine – the highest paid performer of her time. Yeah, life started before the 80’s, wtf did he do?

  24. [re=348783]nmmagayar[/re]: no, no, it wasn’t musically, it was medically. He basically de-Boehnered himself lighter, alot. also.

  25. [re=348809]Youstonedorjuststupid?[/re]: win, thanks. :I just got a little pissy with being told that MJ was a great artist that moved African-American people forward. Fuck that and fuck him

  26. [re=348808]Tommmcatt[/re]: Hey, I didn’t write anything!

    You people are all so mean. The guy won six NBA championships and even played minor league baseball for a couple of years. Are these not achievements?

  27. ..or thanks Layne, I should have said.

    Whatever. As Max Schmollle, zen something-or-other, once said:

    There is no Ken,
    There is no Jim,
    There is only Wonkette.

    If you meet either of them on the road, punch them.
    Not Sara, though.

    I thought it appropriate.

  28. [re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]:
    “God I hate I am listening to Sanjay Gupta explain to Wolf why people die when their heart stops beating.”
    Thank You! And you know the Death Puppet will be on tonight in shock that he is once again outliving a 50 something yr old. Also, 1 Angel died today & 1 Devil died today. Please remember that creepy boy paid a child 20 million dollars to shut up and go away! Would you pay someone 20 mill if you were innocent? Also, Creepy Boy = Picture of Dorian Grey. Also, I can’t believe he didn’t croak under anesthesia in one of his thousands of plastic surgeries.

  29. I think it’s sad. How would you feel knowing that Liz Taylor is going to turn up at your funeral and fling herself across your casket?

  30. [re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: So bad I had to switch over to KRON4 (awful local news in San Francisco) only to hear, “Michael Jackson touched so many people… so many children… he always loved to touch children… especially at Neverland” Oh boy. I

  31. [re=348814]nmmagayar[/re]: “I just got a little pissy with being told that MJ was a great artist that moved African-American people forward.”

    I never told you that but feel free to be pissy. What I think Al was saying is that MJ was like the Tiger Woods, Oprah, Obama of POP music (not R&B) BEFORE Tiger Woods, Oprah, Obama came along. Basically that he was the first black(?) super star in POP music — the type of music most white people listen to. Yes, all those other artists you mentioned were/are great R&B artists, but they are not quite as revered in POP music world for the whiteys that MJ was. That is as simple as I can say it.

  32. [re=348802]Jenny Sanford[/re]: Is that an offer? Obviously you haven’t been getting much lately, but there sure are a lot of us here…

  33. [re=348778]Wet Work[/re]: Check the archives. I seem to recall a couple of Easy-E posts. He was a bad-ass. Unless you’ve been banned, of course…

  34. [re=348826]wheelie[/re]:

    In my mind, it looks lke that scene from Brazil where Johnathan Pryce knocks over his mother’s best friend’s coffin and jellied ooze comes gushing out all over the floor…

  35. Pop Culture Irony Alert: All creditors will be paid off by raging post-mortis product sales; enough left over for the heirs to fight over for decades.

  36. [re=348727]SuperStarr[/re]: What’s really weird is MJ was Elvis’ son-in-law.

    I think that the funeral director won’t have to spend too much time embalming this one.

  37. Probably too bad he died (50 is young). But, it’s not like he’s some saint or something. He did do a lot of fund raising for AIDS (with Liz Taylor), but the whole “wriggle in your underpants on the satin bedspread” deal is just too much to look past. RIP, but well…suffice it to say I won’t be tuned in to the 2 hour Dateline tonight to mourn MJ and Farrah. Part of my youth died today, but I’ll get over it. Now, what up with Mark Sanford?

  38. The only video game I ever liked in my life was the Michael Jackson game for Sega (maybe?) where he had to rescue the little girl who had been kidnapped and he killed bad guys with his dance moves. It was beyond bizarre and I loved it. That is my Michael Jackson remembrance. So there.

  39. [re=348832]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Al was totally right…MJ had white kids wearing the white glove and parachute pants.

    nmmagayar, those others were great talents, but to not recognize what MJ’s accomplishments were is engaging in some revisionist history. Thriller is still the best selling album of all time. So a few white folks had to buy it, too.

  40. [re=348796]Atheist Nun[/re]: I’m pretty sure one of the many reasons I’m going to hell is that I found your Blingee delightful. See ya there, Ken!

  41. …well theres no rush to bury him now, considering the fact that 90% of whats left of him was manufactured in China or thoroughly embalmed by bleaching creams decades of go!

  42. It’s appalling that on the death of an American icon you would maliciously desecrate his memory and doctor his photographs with the Reagans by putting some black person in. This type of degeneracy has to be condemned.

    I don’t even get the point you were trying to make. The second guy’s obviously Little Richard, presumably as a slam on Mr. Jackson’s appropriation of music pioneered by African-Americans, but why the Muammar Gaddafi impersonator in the first pic? Terrorists? Oil wells? Battalions of female ninja bodyguards? What’s the connection

  43. [re=348873]WonkaBee[/re]: That’s the reason Clinton looks so red in the pic; someone tried (and tried) to bring a little color into Michael’s face in the photo processing and, well, you see the result.

  44. [re=348839]Nerdalicious[/re]: Thanks! I just wanted to be the first to be a total asshole about his death: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
    [re=348861]assistant/atlas[/re]: I don’t believe in hell, so you’re welcome at my flashy Afterlife Bar + Casino, drinks are free (but the snack menu prices are hellishly unreasonable.)

  45. [re=348862]Tommmcatt[/re]: slinking away: not a Sanford family tradition

    you may, though. I remain willing to forgive you completely if you do.

  46. they say he’d regressed to being mentally a ten year old. what a crazy thing- being a pop megastar whose experience of child abuse and the rigors of the entertainment industry pushed him into being the richest mental child on earth. you have to wonder what it was like to be one of his handlers. were they exploiting him or trying to take care of him.

    only in america!

  47. [re=348888]Atheist Nun[/re]: What do you mean? Pedobear is exuberant with joy! More prepubescent fish in the sea for everyone else, now that he’s out of the picture.

  48. …dont be so sad everyone! I’m sure Michael Jackson is up there looking down at us, sipping on a cup of Jesus juice and smiling!

  49. [re=348894]El Bombastico[/re]: lol! But Michael Jackson did introduce the “Confused and Misunderstood ManChild Defense” which many a NAMBLA member used as a weak excuse to molest little boys, and also singlehandedly saved the Adult-Sized Peter Pan Costume Industry…

  50. [re=348891]orange[/re]: “well done”

    I’m hoping Jackson will be… in hell. (DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!)
    (Oh, wait. That’s right, I don’t believe in hell. How about if Jackson is reincarnated as a mule on Neal Horsley’s farm?)

  51. [re=348748]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: But only if “Heaven” is one of the rooms in his new digs in Bahrain… srsly, until we see the body, we can’t rule out any of the ‘playful’, ‘mischievous’, frighteningly narcissistic ‘games’ a wealthy weirdo like Michael might play….

  52. [re=348897]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: And all those cherubs up there mean there’s plenty of people to help drink the Jesus Juice with.

  53. This is good news for Mark Sanford.

    Just like 9/11 was good news for Gary Condit.

    He’ll still have to duck the thrown ashtrays if wife let him back in the house.

    Still bad news for M.J.

    RIP King of Pop.


    On local cable public access channel MSNBC, the BLACKWASHING of HIStory has begun in earnest!

    Mr. Keith T. Olbermann has yet to run archival performance footage of Mr. Michael J. Jackson in which said decedent was not in possession of a) a ‘fro, b) 75% or more of his original nose, or c) some Jerri Curl-&-Play-Doh combination thereof.

    Were he with us today, I am certain that the esteemed journalmalist Mr. Edward R. Murrow would expect a more full and honest accounting of the matter than that which is currently on duplicitous display by his self-appointed heir of indignant diatribery, Mr. Keith T. Olbermann.

    Unlike the second ‘n’ in Mr. Olbermann’s surname, I refuse to remain silent while the “Drive-by Media” resurfaces Mr. Michael J. Jackson’s long and winding road to dermatologically-faded glory with truck upon tar-filled truck of blatant, blacktopping revisionism!

    I demand the truth be laid out in black AND white!



    This is fucking disgusting.

    And to whoever said “there are children being raped in heaven right now,” email me and I’ll buy you a beer. You deserve nothing less. I’ve used that line like 4 times today with “random human people.”

    Dozens die in Iran and we act like we lose a family member with MJ. Everyone shits all over this “Neda” thing like Americans are capable of long stints of “compassion.” Not that I put my dice on Neda, but at least she didn’t fall over in one of her many living rooms (probably) because of an OD. US LIBERALS MUST BE SO much better than those eye-sore bible-belt fuckers, really! TOTALLY.

    The fucking guy settles a civil molestation claim in the late 90’s, wastes all of his money in 2004 trying to get out of a 20 year sentence, and some of you (not all) are so focused on his 28 platinum’s from “Thriller” or whatever that we treat it like a god damn genocide.

    WE ARE SO AWESOME. YAY! Liberals of the world unite— behind one dude.

    /end annoying rant.

  56. The real freak show hasn’t even begun.

    2009: First they’ll freeze His head in liquid nitrogen.
    20010 to 20022: Crowds will start to form around His frozen tomb every year after His death growing larger as time goes on.
    2023: A new religion will be formed based on the Teachings of Michael which were given to Bill O’Reilly’s son by angels in vision he had during a New Years Eve party. The teachings were written on paper plates that only Bill O’s son could see.
    2044: The male priests of the 55 million people strong Church of Michaelology will not be allowed to marry.
    2046: 95% of the Catholic Priests leave the church to join the Michaelologists. All 17 of them.
    2047: North Korea blows up the world.

    It could happen.

  57. “What does he mean, the chair is not his son?”

    SO glad I’m not the only one who couldn’t understand who the fuck would care about the paternity of a piece of furniture. Yup, me and the Gipper. Good times.

  58. I can barely express my deep gratitude to the Wonkette community for providing a warm, supportive place for all of us to gather together and mourn the tragic, painful coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

  59. You know who the real winner here is: Dr. Sanjay Gupta. He was looking at an evening of explaining anal cancer on CNN, thanks to Farrah Fawcett. Now he gets to talk about cardiac arrest! Which is marginally more dignified.

  60. [re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: What? Is that silly thing in Iran still going on? I thought it was all taken care of after Obama listened to John McCain and Lindsey Graham and said all those harsh things about the regime and then told them they couldn’t go eat hot dogs?

  61. As the last bit of oxygen drained from the tank, leaving the remains of my father to float in the orange neural-induction fluid, I turned to leave. Blanket! boomed his voice inside my mind. Where are you going? You must not leave me! Blanket! Who will enter the body of Tinkerbell? He laughed harshly. You can’t leave. You don’t know the codes.

  62. [re=348927]Extemporanus[/re]: BREAKING!

    Please disregard my previous “BREAKING!” comment concerning the BLACKWASHING of HIStory by local cable public access channel MSNBC, and said channel’s indispensably ubiquitous über-anchor, Mr. Keith T. Olbermann.

    On either side of commercial breaks, MSNBC is now running—over a snippet of late-oeuvre aural abomination “Man in the Mirror”—an unflinching photo montage depicting the partially decomposed, fully bleached, zombified “King of Pop Pederasts” as we all knew Mr. Michael J. Jackson to be at the time of his long-overdue death.

    I stand corrected.

  63. My thoughts on the great one’s death: The American music industry is currently populated with crap acts. You know the US is in trouble when the entertainment industry sucks. RIP MJ, the American that deserved died before you did.

  64. [re=348956]Hooray For Anything[/re]: John McCain will spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Iran, just to have a chance of being elected in 2032, when he is 359.3 years old. He is an odd specimen.

  65. Ryan Seacrest covering mj’s death on E! is like Bernard Shaw covering the opening bombing of the Gulf War from the Al-Rashid Hotel in Baghdad.

  66. [re=348968]stew[/re]: Yes, The Reverend Mr. Sharpton’s media presence seems to diminish his many achievements, such as….

  67. I’m assuming the celebrity crowd is a close-knit and deeply sincere one as I’ve read reports of grief from people I would never have guessed ever meet Mr. Jackson or were that close of a friend to him. While someone saying “he was a fantastic dancer and singer but he was, overall, a pretty fucking weird guy” might be more truthful it would seem to break the bounds of A/B list public condolence norms.

    I CAN see Pat Robertson saying he probably is in hell because of the ‘glove’ thing or Michael Steele saying he was a victim of Hollywood crowd influence.

    But there was nothing else like him.

  68. OK, MJ memories: Working as a bookstore manager in Houston TX way back in the 80s. My poofta assistant manager goes across the hall to get a couple of beers as we close down the store – “Killer” playing on the mall muzak speakers as the trannies cruise by. Ah, Texas – the home of truly manly men.

  69. Bearbloke[/re]: …Michael’s posthumous releases…

    Please forgive me – the Jesus Juice tears are running out of my botoxed eyes and down the tip of my fake detachable nose…

  70. [re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ve been meaning to ask someone for a while: What is “John and Kate plus Eight?” What is it? That’s all. Not googling it either. What is it?

  71. A friend of mine used to work in one of those hoity toity B Hills hotels and saw MJ on several occasions. She said there was a uni-nostril where there should have been two. She also said Sly Stallone used to leave a big groaner in the shower every morning. The cleaning staff flipped coins to see who had to remove Stallone’s night soil.

  72. [re=348991]Jim Newell[/re]: It’s terrible. I haven’t had the EXCITING opportunity to watch (I never made a molestation claim against Michael Jackson like the other 50 million people since 1984), but Google News has somehow managed to fuck the American people with it, anally, for the last 2 years.

  73. Has anyone gone over to the Jackson compound and tossed the place for the remaining vials of Demerol?

    Me? I’m gone, like now………

  74. [re=348943]SomeNYGuy[/re]: Mid-mundanely positively reply to your truly cockle-warming comment, I happened to catch Olbermann and Zia Modabber—Michael Jackson’s attorney from 1993-2004—discussing how the King of Pop held up under all that stress and strain.

    MODABBER: “He was bombarded for the period of time from the early ’90s through early 2004 with constant lawsuits. The ones I handled were primarily business disputes and related things. He used to say: ‘I’ve got to have rhinoceros skin to get through this.’ And he did.”

    Rhinoceros skin? OK, I’ll buy that…

    But then Olbermann segued into how the “pressure bubble animated some of his songs,” and the lawyer referenced “Leave Me Alone” and how he remembers Jackson “just screaming it out.”

    After 170+, your comment may prove most trenchant of all.

    Also, right this minute, someone outside is blasting “Black or White” from their car stereo. I live in San Francisco, and that shit wouldn’t even fly in the Castro during Pride Weekend.

    I fear there will be blood before this night is done…

  75. [re=348980]Bearbloke[/re]: I am also drinking Jesus Juice, in memoriam. However, tonight I am referring to it as “Satan’s Nectar”.

  76. [re=348995]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: There is a headline on right now: “Jon ‘hurt’ by Kate’s remarks about ‘activities'”

    This headline could explain ~200 million different situations in America right now.

  77. [re=349002]Extemporanus[/re]: Thanks. I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I have already disconnected the cable from my TV and will watch only DVDs of old Japanese movies until this thing blows over. I suspect I am about to see every yakuza flick ever made. Twice.

  78. [re=349005]Jim Newell[/re]: MORE REASONS TO BE EXCITED, JIM. If this country has a chance, Michael Jackson will rise from the dead to save their marriage, as well as EVERY marriage ever.

    Those Iranian married can go to hell, though, as they have never seen the Neverland Ranch, OR had sex with Lisa Marie (maybe)— and her children.


  79. [re=349012]wolfshirts[/re]: YES! If I would have only understood the irony of Michael Jackson rescuing little kids at the time that game would have been even more awesome than it already was.

  80. [re=349001]chascates[/re]:
    Yes, I am hearing all sorts of things. Guess on my part but…as a medical person: he just had surgery for skin cancer last week & postponed these concerts. He might have been on massive doses of pain meds. Also, they are saying he was anorexic for years maybe decades. Then, the grueling dance routines practicing for the upcoming 50 tour dates of a person who is out of shape, anorexic, on lots of pain meds and god knows what else. I think they will find a lot of different substances in his bloodstream or 1 large dose of something & tie it in to his general poor health etc..Autopsy tomorrow, full toxic screening a few weeks. Just an educated guess.

  81. [re=349008]SomeNYGuy[/re]: I went into my DVR and put one of those parental block thingamajiggers on CNN, FOX, and MSNBC as I suspect this will be of Princess Diana type media circus. I read a lot of books that week.

    [re=348995]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I have never once watched a second of John & Kate but feel like I know more about them than I do my mother at this point. I could probably even tell you what all the hubbub is about them despite the fact I’ve never even sought out any information about them. None of these things are things I’m particularly happy about.

  82. [re=348954]El Bombastico[/re]: Well, he was bionic and built in the 70s. Can you imagine the carcinogens that went into his penis?

    [re=348966]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Yep. Alive! must be out dancing and getting drunk, ’cause s/he hasn’t posted today.

    [re=349005]Jim Newell[/re]: So, this has something to do with Iran?

  83. [re=348834]d4g33z[/re]: aw c’mon, it’s a ‘first’ offense.

    Back-to-back MJ and Farrah tributes on the teevee leave me wondering where I misplaced my appreciation for mawkish, gushing sentimentality. And vapidness. Can Barbara Walters be the next to go?

  84. [re=349022]Wet Work[/re]: Can Barbara Walters be the next to go?

    No, she made a deal with the devil. In fact she “dated” him. You remember Roy Cohn?

  85. [re=349015]OffTheRecord[/re]: Jeez, irony! MJ dies of an arrest, after surviving so many. Farrah dies of ass cancer. God has a sense of humor.

  86. Waiting on the headline:

    “Farrah Fawcett. If she hadn’t died hours before him what would she say about the King of Pop?”
    “Doomed passengers of Air France 447 had no clue Jacko would barely outlive them.”
    but especially
    “Obamacare. Would it have saved MJ?”

  87. [re=348991]Jim Newell[/re]: Since no one else seems to have answered your question… “Jon” is a passive half-Korean man-child, “+” is their too-early, now-sexless marriage, “Kate” is a control freak, “Plus” is their medically-assisted fertility, “Eight” is the number of adorable children they exploit for money and fame (two twin girls, plus sextuplets).

  88. Hey [re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Get your candle!

    NY Times: Impromptu get-togethers are being organized tonight around the United States to bring together fans who want to celebrate Mr. Jackson’s memory. Informal events are scheduled for several public parks around San Francisco, including Dolores Park and Golden Gate Park. In addition, one San Francisco event being coordinated through Facebook is calling for fans of the pop icon to reenact a rendition of “Thriller,” Mr. Jackson’s horror-themed music video featuring dancing zombies. The “Thriller” event is scheduled to start at 6:30 p.m. Pacific Time in Justin Herman Plaza in downtown San Francisco.

  89. [re=348994]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: Stallone’s “Night Soil.” That is the most awesome story ever told, today.

    However, the question remains: why did Rocky leave a steaming pile in the tub every morning? Satanic ritual? Scientological imperative? Irritable bowel syndrome? Can Wonkette’s crack investigative staff give us the answers? Why is the MSM burying this important story?

  90. [re=349033]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Maybe it simply fell out of Stallone’s monstrously overstretched and distended asshole as he stood up in the shower – don’t forget that his character’s original name was “Goatse”, not “Rocky”…

  91. I feel the saddest for Potential President Sarah Palin. She picked today to unveil her latest outrage, OUTRAGE, that someone had done:

    “malicious desecration of a photo of the Governor and baby Trig that has become an iconic representation of a mother’s love for a special needs child.”

    This incredible photo of a strong, quiet mother and her once disposable baby that has replaced the photo of Old Glory being raised on Mt. Iwo Jima in the hearts of all Americans and non-thinking persons everywhere. And now it’s been ruined by the drug-addled death of someone who never probably even thought about his children assuming they actually are his and not a prop acquired to further his career.

  92. This “death” joke is another case of Hollywood types stepping WAAY over the line to mouth-rape one of Sarah Palin’s children. We’re organizing a protest for the “memorial service,” and we demand that this Jackson person be fired until he apologizes twice and we get to mention the brave troops.

  93. I’m pretty sure Sly Stone was black and a pop star and would’ve kicked Michael Jackson’s ass if he wasn’t completely coked out

  94. Michael Jackson seems like somebody who understood the illusory nature of the self. But instead of renouncing anything, he doubled down on the “illusory” part.

  95. [re=349039]Nerdalicious[/re]: Nope. The latest offering is:
    “To-Do List: A Sentence, Not 10 Paragraphs
    By trying to do too much, he [Obama] risks not doing enough.”

  96. [re=349042]chascates[/re]: “trying to do too much, he risks not doing enough”

    Funny, I got that in a fortune cookie the other night.

  97. If you don’t think Michael Jackson was incredibly influential, just look at Major League Baseball; tonight all the players of both leagues took the field wearing one glove.

  98. [re=349043]Wet Work[/re]: What the hell could that possibly mean? Then Pegs goes on to quote Clare Boothe Luce, a quote that’s probably been lodged inside her for a while, like the remains of a shriveled cart hot dog that won’t willingly make it’s way into the City’s underground infrastructure.

    Michael and Lady Noonington would have made quite a pair.

  99. Well, I beg to differ about Governor Sanford! Michael Jackson dying doesn’t get him off the hook, it just reminds of us all the Republican Pedophilia scandals, along with whatever the hell Governor Sanford was doing that made him do all that “crying in Argentina…” I still can’t believe Sanford actually said he was “crying in Argentina” during his meltdown of a press conference. Lame-O!

  100. [re=349046]chascates[/re]: I think it’s one of those Zen koan thingies, or as the roundeyes refer to it, obfuscation. Clare Booth Luce … wasn’t she the one that chopped up her parents? … maybe that was Lizzie Borden (Molly Hatchet?) … hmmm …

  101. [re=349029]chascates[/re]: OH MY GOD REALLY?!

    I played a minor yet vital supporting role the last time something like this went down:

    In 2007—in response to that “Thrilla in Manilla” viral video of orange jumpsuit-clad prancing Filipino zombie convicts—an international, multi-city, world record-setting event dubbed “Thrill the World” was perpetrated.

    A friend of mine was one of the lead zombies at the SF event, and I loaned him my immaculate, vintage, “Beat It”-esque-but-better, fire-engine red leather jacket to wear for added authenticity. Look for the bearded dude on the right side of the frame in this super shitty video.*

    Also, listen for the choreographer’s call-outs of “shoulder, shoulder” and whatnot for added Hi-larity.

    Luckily, for me, it was like 95 degrees that day, and said jacket still reeks of perspiration, face paint, and artificially manufactured meme.

    (*Though this took place in SF, and half the zombies worked for tech companies, every single goddamn online video looks like it was shot with a Fisher-Price® PixelVision™ camera by someone suffering from the advanced stages of Parkinson’s Disease. I have no fucking clue why that is.)

  102. All I can think of is when Anna Nicole and/or Ronald Reagan died. Teh librul medias fellated the story for 6-7 days until we were all driven to mule kick the elderly and punch babies in the face.

    Either way, this ends in a vicious cycle of me throwing a remote through my teevee.

    Congratulations to Circuit City for THE WIN!


  103. For the answer to how Skynet will really fuck the living shit out of the human race, one need look no further than the recent comments posted to any given goddamn Michael Jackson video on YouTube.

    And to think: This whole time we’ve been worrying about that point at which machines will finally become totally self-aware, when in fact machines have merely been waiting for that point at which humans will finally become totally un-self-aware.

    That point could very well be upon us, thanks in no small part to the societal-sharking precipitated by the death of our dearly departed King of Pop.


  104. While thousands of brave human beings are being beaten, jailed, tortured, and killed in the streets of Iran, all we can talk about is Michael Jackson. It is a mark of shame upon our nation that we have forgotten what is truly important: the possibility that the publishing rights to all the Beatles’ music might now belong to a chimpanzee.

  105. [re=349064]goodluck/badluck[/re]: Who will bait poor Bubble’s fishing hooks at the Neverland Ranch Pond now that his dear Master/baiter is gone?

  106. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson. Shit! That’s the usual three. Was hoping for Dick Cheney to complete the Three Stars.

    Now I’m reduced to hoping Cheney will initiate the next Three Stars. (sigh)

  107. Well, i was just on the Huffington Post and they have a spot on it for listing your “michael moment”. WTF this guy was at best just a average singer, now I am going to be blasted with remembrances of what a great guy blah, blah, blah he was. Back to 7-11 for more Ripple…..

  108. [re=348722]El Bombastico[/re]: Even the Buddha and Thich Nhat Hanh hate

    “All boredom/nausea arises because of If is erased can boredom/nausea remain?”

  109. I’m on a self-imposed news blackout until the tidal wave of mawkish, inane obits subsides. Effin’ hypocritical pedophile. “Let’s save all the children” while he selfishly blows through hundreds of millions of dollars in utterly frivolous spending in order to buttress his ginormous megalomania. Yeah I know, he was an abused, talented innocent thrust into show-biz stardom at a fragile age, blah blah blah. Tough crap—there is very little if any evidence of him trying to undo the damage in a purely philanthropic manner. Good riddance, Bambi, you creepy, self-obsessed asshole.

  110. Who’s going to cuddle with the remains of the Elephant Man now?

    What’s the difference between Neverland Ranch and a kids’ clothing sale at K-Mart? (you can answer this one)

  111. I may turn off my google and my teevee until the Mikey storm passes and we can get back to important stuff like Mark Sanford and the DC Christian “love shack” where he and Ensign hang out.

  112. [re=349077]Mr. Dick Sprinkles[/re]:
    I agree. I am sick of all the slobbering tributes. He was no better than that pedophile and his girlfriend dragging that poor kid all over the country, who was just found. The latest: It looks like a Demerol overdose. They are saying he got a Demerol injection and just dropped dead. Respiratory Failure. This probabaly wasn’t heart disease as the media is reporting.

  113. [re=348928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: high horse: get off it. (WTF does any of this have to do with liberalism? are you having a Fox News moment?)

  114. My first thought was that the announcement of his “death” was a publicity stunt by Jacko himself. That was followed by the horrifying thought that like his father-in-law Elvis, his base of rabid fans will refuse to believe he is truly dead.

  115. So, Ken, you recommend Michael Jackson fans remain in touch with their deceased hero via Twitter?

    The one name I am surprised to hear in all the mortuary hoopla is Uri Geller. The fraud is still around!

  116. WTF?? I forget the crapulousness of the teev & it’s insanity of weeping/gushing for days on end about celebs dying. I mean: MJ? Fuck me dead, but the dude was a pedophile who wasted his life and his munies behaving badly. Yeah, yeah, he released some good tunes in the frigging ’80s, but he RAPED kids, folks. And RIP to Farah & all, but again: a washed up ’80s teevee star (or was it the ’70s?). I don’t care. I almost don’t care as much as I don’t care about whoeverthehell this weird John & Kate couple are (with however many zillions of children they had irresponsibly). Sheesh. Could not believe/stand Keith Overthetop last night, but only watched, like, 5 min of his nonsensical “concern” palavar.


    Next topic, please!!!!!!!!

  117. [re=349130]paintitblack[/re]: THANK YOU!!!

    I mean, yes it’s easier to be snarky about MJ than about health care reform or ahmedinejad, but celebrities are barely more real than the easter bunny or Harry and Louise.

  118. [re=349082]ericblair[/re]: I read another comment elsewhere that basically sums up how I feel about this: that the Michael worth mourning died about 20 years ago. That is all.

  119. So, Ken, we have something in common. Ecstasy in Prague. One wonderful evening I will always remember, it was winter of ’99-’00, we walked up to the castle, we were standing in the same square where Obama spoke, the rooftops below were all covered in snow and there was plenty of moon shining. Very fairy tale-ish.
    We (two guys and a girl) decided it would be fun just to spin around and get really dizzy, like little kids. It was. Fun.

  120. [re=349090]CivicHoliday[/re]: Haha Billie Jean was not his lover, he’s just some boy who thinks that he was the one, but the KID was not his son (Federal indictment). DUDUDUDU Thinks that HE WAS THE ONE, BUT MOMMY said to always think twice. Daddy didn’t think so.

  121. [re=349139]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: For or against? Cuz I’ve got a manifesto and a summer vacation…..

    You’re going DOWN, Phyllis Diller.

  122. [re=349130]paintitblack[/re]: I’m starting to feel like a human again. Thanks.

    Now if a FOURTH celebrity dies over the weekend, America will be irretrievably fucked and confused.

  123. [re=349136]El Bombastico[/re]: If you’d ever eaten at the Varsity here in Atlanta, you’d always remember where it is so as to avoid it in future. Unforgettable.

  124. I can never decide if i feel really bad for him or not. Do you think he really was a child toucher? I go back and forth between that and the theory that he really was just a really screwed up individual with a peter pan complex due to his lack of a normal childhood (and also the beatings and stuff from poppy.) He definitely had some issues with his appearance that makes me have a sad. He truly thought he was a hideous freak. I guess I don’t have any real emotion one way or the other about his death. I saw it on the tubes last night, turned to my BF and stated my faked-death theory, and then , “meh”, continued to watch the fourth season of X-Files on DVD for the third time. I’m glad i missed the TeeVee coverage. RIP Farrah. You gave good hair and you were equally batshit at times.

  125. i’m sorry, that was really pointless. I’m going to go back to my self-imposed Wonkette commenting exile until i can produce something worth saying again. Iran has really got me down. Everything seems so trivial to me. :(

  126. This post is disconcerting. Babbs, Nancy & Ron Headrest, Clintoon, & Michael Jackson.
    At least MJ had the sense to wear gloves when dealing with republican presidents!

    Really, MJ’s story is sad– his Father beat the kids into perfect performing form.
    MJ had no childhood as a result. Tweaked for life, MJ went on to embrace weird clothes, and live behind a mask of excessive plastic surgery.
    I never understood the crotch grabbing public display (they have products for personal itching issues!)…..
    and even after multiple spendy lawsuits, MJ never understood what was wrong with a 40 something year old man sleeping with young boys??

    His 3 kids Paris, Prince & Blanket (or is it Prince #2???) can now take the masks off, and get some serious therapy. Just keep them away from grandpa & his beating belt!

    They are now calling MJ the pre Obama Obama??? Let’s not think of MJ’s “demons”…. yea- put pedophilia aside, he was a Community Organizer of a different sort. A sequined Pied Piper with an amusement park in his back yard.

    The guy had some kind of creative talent, but the circumstances of his forced childhood stardom tweaked him for life.
    He did not seem to find peace in life…..
    I hope he finds it in death. RIP

  127. [re=349159]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: awwww…all is forgiven. for serious, though, celebrity worship crosses all political, socioeconomic and racial/ethnic boundaries. it is a sickness pervading all facets of American culture (and more and more cultures internationally). the current news vomit on MJ is horrific, and I plan to watch as little of it as possible.

  128. Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change.

  129. [re=349060]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: But think of the benefits to the economy if everyone would follow your lead. Circuit City might have made it if they had only lasted this long.

    [re=349069]agitpropster[/re]: How is Michael Jackson like a little child?

    They both blew Bubbles.

    [re=349139]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Yes, once again, Obama has failed us all.

  130. The bestest comment of all I heard during the coverage was a reporter telling about going to Neverland, and seeing a giant black velvet painting showing MJ, Muhammad Ali, MLK Jr and Jesus. WOW, bet that’s a vision that never leaves you!

  131. [re=349154]windupbird[/re]: AGREED! Yesterday wasn’t the “tragedy”….it’s been a fucking tragedy for twenty years. Yesterday was just when all the wear and tear finally caught up to monster-face.

    Damn shame we have to wait 6 weeks for the toxicology report. I expect it to be in Anna Nicole/Elvis territory.

  132. Anyone, but me, find it odd LaToya Jackson was one of THE FIRST to arrive at the hospital when Michael Jackson was brought there?

    Its a conspiracy!

    The sex change is complete, and Michael will now be living as LaToya 100% of the time…

  133. Holy Joker Make-up Batman. Al in front of the “Al” pollo. Truly a Toni award winning, self promoting, bombastic bag of bullshit performance. I have to wonder if he’s been drinking his own Kool-aid. I’m willing to give the devil his due and agree that MJ was talented. But as for furthering the “Black” cause breaking down barriers. MJ only stood on the shoulders of FREAKS., siphoned off a little bit from column a some from column b and created a Frankenstein character of himself. He ran it up the flag pole and watched as the world saluted. MTV played Thriller because someone was smart enough to see the potential $$$ and a way to promote MTV. Not because Sir Michael was slaying civil dragons that no longer existed nor was he kicking down barriers that whitey had thrown up to impede the black entertainers march to success. He merely found a formula that served his own means to an end and applied it liberally. No dreams of leading his people to the promised land or any such lofty ideals. Just self promotion. Elvis and Col. Tom showed the way. Rev. Al will continue to cry fake tears and beat the MJ drum only so long as it serves to promote Rev. Al then he’s off to his next self-serving agenda. Standing on the shoulders of freaks.

  134. [re=349373]GaySailor[/re]: Why? Latoya was obviously the first one there. She needed to be surgically removed from his coattails.

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