Wonkette
Just a few months ago, the world watched with mouths agape as the assorted gentlemen of the Supreme Court tittered over a case involving a 13-year-old girl who’d been strip searched at school. The kid was accused by a fellow student (Curveball?) of handing out prescription-strength ibuprofen to her peers, and when school officials couldn’t find it in her backpack they made her demonstrate it was not in her bra or panties. Pretty fucked up, right?
Well no, not if you are the august panel of elders assigned to the highest court in the land!
But Breyer just isn’t letting go. “In my experience when I was 8 or 10 or 12 years old, you know, we did take our clothes off once a day, we changed for gym, OK? And in my experience, too, people did sometimes stick things in my underwear.”
Shocked silence, followed by explosive laughter. In fact, I have never seen Justice Clarence Thomas laugh harder. Breyer tries to recover: “Or not my underwear. Whatever. Whatever. I was the one who did it? I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think it’s beyond human experience.”
ANYWAY. Despite this insane Porky’s moment for the Supreme Court, they eventually concluded 8-1 that what had happened to this kid was an unreasonable search. And who was the lone dissenter in the decision handed down today? Noted civil rights advocate Clarence Thomas, that’s who!
Thomas warned that the majority’s decision could backfire. “Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments,” he said. “Nor will she be the last after today’s decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school.”
Joke’s on you, Justice Thomas! Everybody knows that the very safest place to conceal drugs is not in the undergarments, but rather in a condom snuggled discreetly in the rectum. ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE ALREADY DOING IT.
Search Me [Slate]
Court says strip search of Ariz. teenager illegal [AP]
Lemme just reach down in my Jockeys for a Valium or two before we continue….
Oh, Clarence, Clarence, Clarence, you haven’t changed a bit, you naughty boy. Never met a girl whose panties you could resist pulling down, you rascal, you. Oh, well, boys will be boys. Why don’t you just grab yourself a can of soda pop and run along, now? That’s a good boy.
That Clarence Thomas…what a loveable scamp.
Justice Thomas, as always, is the sole voice for dehumanization.
See, this is the major disadvantage of thongs. No room for contraband.
If I can’t hide things in my crotch, then the terrorists have won.
Clarence Thomas wants to see all the secretions in all our undergarments. What’s his address again?
So that’s how pubic hair got on Clarence Thomas’s Coke!
slappypaddy: Ah, you’re right. Here I was thinking he was just mean, but it’s just plain ol’ fashioned perversion. I can dig it.
Clarence had his “official underwear inspector” application all filled out too.
My Percocets smell bad after retrieve them from my anus.
But, but, not everyone wears underwear.
What then, justices?
So if the cops ever pull me over and ask me where the “shit” is, pulling down my pants will not be misconstrued as assaulting an officer of the law?
and naturally…
Today we are all a pair of unlawfully searched panties.
Personal rule of thumb: If Antonin Scalia thinks something is a violation of privacy then it is a violation of privacy and I don’t want to hear another word on the subject.
LittlePig: Fuck you. That’s straight up uncalled for. I nominate that you be banned.
That’s the second time in this month that Clarence has been the single dissenter. As Rep.Lynn Westmoreland (R) likes to say, “Uppity”.
Crab1: Your username. That comment. Oh, the irony.
Perhaps Thomas was smuggling that coke can in his undies and that would explain the famous pubic hair? I’m going to go wash my hands now. And my brain.
You know, maybe we ought to listen to him. The man is kind of an expert in “Figures of Authority who fish around for shit in their subordinates’ underpants.”
Wow. If I had a twat, I would totally start hiding Adderall in it.
LittlePig: Over the line. Mark it zero.
Other things Thomas would rule against:
* Hiding your best smoke in that sweet painted wooden skull you got in Mexico
* Hiding a bottle of vodka in the toilet tank, so the cleaning staff at the rest home won’t steal it
* Hiding your pr0n downloads in a folder called ‘Finances 99-00′.
(Well, maybe not the last one.)
Oh damn! Watch out parents, your kids are going to be straight up relieving minor inflamation and headaches left and right with prescription Advil (”Ibu-P,” as the cool kids call it) now that they’re allowed to store ibuprofen in Breyer’s tighty-whities.
LittlePig: Dude I am deleting this comment. Remember that there is a fine line between ironically saying racist shit and just saying racist shit.
LDSILVERFTW!
Today, we are all drug mules.
Crab1: How do we know you aren’t hiding terrorists in your crotch and that they’ve already won? Drop em, commie!
Prescription strength Ibuprofen? Really? That shit don’t even get you high. At least smuggle some of that Tylenol with Codeine you can buy in the UK or old fashioned Robitussin. Stupid kids.
What ever happened to hiding contraband in good ol’ bodily cavities. Panties are for pussies.
Obama, where is our Panty-Advil Czar?
Is there no end to the perfidy of Curveball?
nappyduggs: Arrrgghh…damn slow refresh…fine minds and all…
You see, if everyone followed my advice and made children attend school nude, this sort of case would never come up. But no, instead I’m put onto some sort of list or something and told to stay off school property. Fascists!
Secrete? Haha, Clarence Thomas uses the gay French meaning of words.
It’s disturbing on a different level if you imagine that controlled substances are, in fact, secreted in some sort of biological sense, though I’m pretty sure the Japanese have a market for that sort of underwear.
So if the little girl in the picture is a heroin mule, then Thomas would be the little black puppy, correct?
Well you know, it’s not sexual harassment if you’re an authority figure, right Clarence?
Mr Blifil: whatever happened to taking drugs BEFORE school?
This gets much funnier if you realize Clarence Thomas is now walking around suspiciously glaring at pre-teen crotches, sure that they contain small and illicit quantities of widely available over-the-counter analgesics. No wonder he spends his time hiding in the basement watching “Saving Private Ryan” and getting liquored up.
Mr Blifil: In the olden days, thirteen year old girls didn’t have cleavage; these days you can typically hide a VW Bug in some of them.
Hormones and steroids in the chocolate milk, I’m thinking.
Hormones and steroids in the chocolate milk
Agreed. This is also why I have such a small penis.
Uh, not that I do.
IF YOU OUTLAW UNDERWEAR SEARCHES, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL SEARCH UNDERWEAR.
hockeymom: jejeje
Mr Blifil: I see what you did there.
Today we are all freeballers.
The Long Dong Silver fan lone disenting vote? Would like to do the strip search himself? Large collection of Barely Legal DVDs? When does the Donky Show start?
Fucking shit, can we just immolate the Supreme Court now? If I were in charge of America, the strip-search in this case would have resulted in state-ordered hara-kiri for the folks who ordered it.
Better alt text: “Tan Line”
, ALSO.
Holy fucking shit, Tennessean Wonketteers (I know there are a few). Turn your TVs on, MAYOR WILLIE HERENTON IS (allegedly) FUCKING RESIGNING. As of July 10th, the worst mayor in America is going to be gone, and as of 2010 he will be slaughtered by Memphis’s favorite Jew in the democratic primary.
At least Thomas has the courage of his lack of convictions (i.e. his belief that citizens, children, women, etc. should have no rights). Souter, Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy, Breyer, and Alito all held that while it was a violation of the 4th Amendment the school officials could not be held responsible because it would be unreasonable to expect them to know that it is wrong to strip search a thirteen-year-old. What a bunch of fucking perverts!
4tehlulz: Best and funniest bit of logic I’ve seen all week.
Uncle Thomas is yet another gift of the Bush family to the people of the United States. The Manchurian Candidate Theory of the rise of the Bush clan is starting to seem more and more plausible.
Of course he dissented. No god-fearing, card-carrying, true blue Republican thinks it’s unreasonable to stick his down down a 13-year old’s pants.
WIld Turkey: well, I agree they are perverts, but I think the legal theory is respondeat superior–employees are not personally liable for actions taken within their scope of work; their employer is. The school Board’s being held liable is to be decided on remand.
Oh, and Clarence Thomas needs to be removed, via death or otherwise.
My dad had gym class with Breyer. Gave the future justice a wedgie every day.
Until he saw how much the guy was enjoying it.
School mandated crotchless panties.
BOOM! Problem solved!
Mr Blifil: Yes, that is what panties are for.
People around here wear underwear?
SCOTUS is soft on smug druggling. And what of the senior citizens returning from Canada on prescription drug junkets? Are we to forbid policemen to tell them to ‘Spread it, granny’? When will this lawlessness end?
Zadig: Yeah, but he’s making noises about being school superintendent again. No good can come of that.
Doglessliberal:
Actually the theory is qualified immunity for government actors. Or in this case qualified immunity for fucking perverts!
Here’s a funny joke for the SCOTUS to enjoy with thier martinis this afternoon. An elderly couple has moved into an “assisted living” facility near their grand children, and so must switch to a new doctor. The doctor says to the old man, ” I need a blood, urine, stool and semen sample”. Old man says “What? What did he say?”
Old lady says “He wants a pair of your dirty underwear”
One word. Blowback. Think about it. When will the madness end?
WIld Turkey: maybe I should have read the opinion before expounding. Of course it is QI, as they are gov’t employees. But bottom line, yes: they are preeeeverts.
Give Thomas credit for sticking to Originalism: The founding fathers would definitely have wanted the teacher to have a look in that girl’s drawers, espeically Massa J.
Did Thomas learn about the 4th amendment at Yale or was he too busy sulking because other brown people, like that sassy Sonia girl, were not on their bowing and scraping in gratitude for being admitted? Maybe we should take a look-see in J. Thomas’ hard drive to see what kind of crazy sexy jokey stuff he’s got in there. I mean, we have some suspicions, don’t we?
prescription-strength ibuprofen????
jeez… if you’re gonna have your civil rights violated couldn’t you have picked something a little more entertaining? the kids’ll do anything these days, eh?
Doglessliberal: Even with qualified immunity, the school officials can’t take a Nuremburg defense if they are violating clearly established law or acting out of malice or their own sadism. Malice and sadism are in evidence. And Ginsburg has it right: there is a genuine issue here, and the parents should be able to sue the principal and the nurse until they are eating catfood and washing their clothes on rocks in the river.
Well this is certain to help rehabilitate Justice Thomas’ ill-gained reputation.
Fantastic alt text, btw. Now if you can just find an excuse to run an image of the cover of Herb Alpert’s “Whipped Cream and Other Delights,” you’ll have captured the two most spectacular 1960’s American boy-child fetish objects.
I recently made it through 2 airports w/contraband under my junk (it was medicinal, for my wife, I no longer partake.) The idea came to me while reading about this case. Or at least saying so makes a good story. Clarence needs to take that stick out of his ass. It’s jammed so far up it’s poking on the reasoning centers of his ‘brain.’
secrete drugs??!? he means secret drugs. secrete means to ooze out, give off, etc.
Huh. Guess that explains why Clarence Thomas was so eager to speak at those kids’ school recently.
Probably won’t be doing that anymore, huh.
btw it is not an 8-1 ruling; it’s 6-1-1-1. if you count the affirming, concurring, and dissenting opinions, it’s unanimous with respect to the outcome. thomas, ginsburg, and stevens all concurred in the outcome but dissented in part from the reasoning of the majority. let’s villainize the dissenters *equally* - it’s what thomas would have wanted.
Clyde Midia: Her name is Maria. She’s a fan of black dogs and white republicans.
totoro: though, given the current salaries for school employees, they might alrady be doing that.
freakishlystrong: Ding Ding Ding!
Thomas is against; *Sticking a sweet potatoe in your beach thong to make your wang competitve to the Brazilian volleyball team.
TGY: SCOTUS OFF MY SCROTUS!
Son, I kept this prescription-strength ibuprofen up my ass all during ‘Nam. Now I’d like you to have it (John McCain, speaking to Meghan).