time for a talky

Liveblogging Mark Sanford’s Confession Of Molesting Alien Rats In Some Fancy Mexico

Mark Sanford’s going to talk to the media, RIGHT NOW. We are watching MSNBC, which is most likely to cover it — it is hard to get a camera inside South Carolina — due to its liberal politics. Make your bets NOW about possible sex affairs/love children, closest-without-going-over gets a chocolate dildo…

SUMMARY: If you missed the hot live action, he admitted to having a hot sex affair with a hot babe in Argentina, for a year, and then he apologized to millions of people and Gods.

2:05 — That state Sen. Knotts guy was talking on MSNBC, and state Sen. Knotts does not miss many meals. Every feature on his body is spherical. Maybe he ate Mark Sanford and that’s where he was?
2:08 — Ou es tu, Sanford? We have to get back to aggregating Iranian Twitter feeds. His appearance might be delayed, they say! Suppose this is what we get for caring about local politics in some slave state.
2:10 — The babe editor of Hotline is telling us that John Ensign had an affair last week, and now Mark Sanford is uhh involved in some problem, so the Republicans could be in trouble!
2:14 — MSNBC has CUT AWAY FROM COVERAGE because Mark Sanford is just that late. Now there is a commercial break. We are watching a commercial with a lizard selling car insurance.
2:17 — Some greaseball is talking about the economy now. Doesn’t MSNBC know that Americans stopped caring about this as a news story a month or two ago?
2:20 — He still isn’t out. No one will tell us when this is happening. Perhaps he is in Bermuda with the terrorists.
*****2:24***** HERE HE IS HE IS TALKING and seems confused.
2:24 — He is talking about his history with the Appalachian Trail. He used to take people’s money, when he was younger, and then send them to the Appalachian Trail. These were called “Adventure Trips.”
2:25 — “Adventure Trips” help you escape the bubble. BUT THE WIFE MUST NOT KNOW!
2:25 — What he said this morning “was not the whole story.” Here we go!
2:26 — He’s apologizing to his wife and his four children “for letting them down.”
2:26 — “This is the first step in what will be a very long process on that front.” WHAT IS THE FRONT.
2:27 — Apologizing to his staff. He invented a “fictional” account of where he was going, and told his staff this. He apologizes to South Carolina. He apologizes to some hobo who was living in his basement during his first governor campaign. “We called it Jurassic Park.” Hey Mark, who did you fuck?
2:29 — Man, he is breaking down. Now he is giving his philosophical take on God’s Law, and his conception of sin. He is a person of Faith. Who did you have sex with, Mark?
2:31 — AHA: He developed a relationship WITH A WOMAN IN ARGENTINA over the last year.
2:31 — Ha ha ha, when he finally said what happened, a lady in the background gave a rather brutal “WTF?” head turn.
2:32 — Stop asking for forgiveness and babbling about your God. Liz Becton would not approve.
2:33 — He’s resigning as chair of the Republican Governors Association.
2:34 — QUESTIONS.
2:34 — Someone asks if he is separated from his wife. “She is there, I am here, so I guess.” Jesus.
2:35 — He and his wife have been “dealing with this” for the past five or so months. He is in some sort of AA for cheaters? Or just regular therapy.
2:36 — He’s discussing his relationship with his Argentinian sex lady, and how he and she had a very earnest conversation about how they should each stop cheating on their spouses.
2:37 — Pretty sure he just pulled out the old, “If it’s in different continents, then it doesn’t count.”
2:37 — They were friends for eight years. “Then a year ago things sparked into something else. I have seen her three times since the sparkin’ thing.”
2:38 — “I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.”
2:39 — Why does he keep talking about what he did to some guy named Tom Davis, who slept in Jurassic Park in his basement? Tom doesn’t give a shit. Guy Code.
2:40 — Did he lie to his staff that he was going to the Appalachian Trail? No, he only told him he “might go to the Appalachian Trail” last Thursday, which was true, hypothetically.
2:41 — OVER. Well, nothin’ much, just secretly flying down to Argentina every now and then to sex up a sexy lady. Sounds like a good deal! Why stop?
2:43 — One more thing: John McCain used to do this in the 1950s.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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537 comments

  1. InsidiousTuna

    Maybe he ate Mark Sanford and that’s where he was

    That would make Mark Sanford a poop, whereas he was a poop before this. Next possible explanation.

  2. TeddyS

    The key will be whether his faithful wife will be standing beside him. If she does, he’s guilty of something.

  3. RogueDC

    “My friends, fellow citizens of South Carolina, I am a tranny-chasing american.” cue in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….

  4. Dave J.

    Oh, and someone over @ Kos says this is one rumor about the identity his special guest on his viaje a Argentina, and she’s a current candidate for S. Carolina governor, and just happened to have scrubbed all photos of him from her website today.

    http://www.nikkihaley.com/

  5. Morbo the Annihilator

    Best bet: blowing stimulus money on studying Cristo Redentor to build a duplicate in front of every public building in the entire state. Just because.

  6. suchsweetthunder

    If Wonkette doesn’t win a Pulitzer for its coverage of this story then there is no God.

  7. Manos: Hands of Fate

    http://www.wistv.com/

    If I leave here tomorrow,
    Would you still remember me?
    For I must be traveling on, now,
    ‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see.
    But if I stayed here with you, girl,
    Things just couldn’t be the same.
    ‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now,
    And this bird you can not change.
    And the bird you can not change.
    And this bird you can not change.
    Lord knows, I can’t change.

  8. InsidiousTuna

    [re=346602]StoneAge[/re]: Hey, in case no one’s told you, I think Talking Points Memo has it.

  9. Country Club Jihadi

    There is still time to channel Jennifer Wilbanks and the abduction by a Hispanic in a blue van thingy.

  10. HIROHITO99

    [re=346605]american mutt[/re]: My money is that he molested a mullato baby but ends up blaming the whole thing on his wide stance… and Obama.

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    I’m betting the whole thing is just an attention-getting stunt, all carefully planned, no hanky-panky involved.

    Because he’s boring, whitebread guy who happens to be a whiny little hey-pay-attention-to-me drama queen.

  12. tunamelt

    Oooh, is the chocolate dildo for eating? Because anything else seems like a recipe for ants in weird places.

  13. Dave J.

    Ugh, typical southerners, trying to figure out the technologies in the microphone machines.

  14. Serious

    I’m going to livecomment this liveblog.

    2:11pm – Jim Newell comes out swinging, with jokes.

  15. Noodle Salad

    Please come out dressed in a sailor suit with a big lolly. Can we just have a good ol’ fashioned breakdown?

  16. StoneAge

    [re=346604]Saragon[/re]: [re=346606]Dave J.[/re]: you guys are the bestest!

    I came in just in time to hear them say “argentina zebra” during the mic test. Heelarious!

  17. tunamelt

    [re=346628]HIROHITO99[/re]: That wouldn’t even be a problem if we all listened to Nixon.

  18. american mutt

    [re=346642]orange[/re]: “afghanistan, argentina, zebra???”

    That’d be a hell of a story.

  19. Serious

    2:12pm – Jim Newell still claiming that Mark Sanford isn’t there. Yeesh, is he Liveblogging or Lagblogging? Only time will tell, literally.

  20. tunamelt

    The problem is that this is going to fuck with my lunch hour unless he fucking speeds it up.

  21. Morbo the Annihilator

    [re=346643]Serious[/re]: Metablogging will kill us all.

    2:14 Hasn’t yet.

  22. magic titty

    2012 GOP primary season is going to be the greatest spectacle this nation ever did see.

  23. LittlePig

    “That sounds like a personal problem…” Bwahahaha. Brother, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

  24. Tra

    [re=346656]Mahousu[/re]: That’s just what he WANTS you to think! Current real location: International Space Station.

  25. grendel

    $20 on gay affair with hot latino whom has been mysteriously “disappeared” off a cliff on the coast of Argentina.

  26. Carrie_Okie

    [re=346641]octupletsmom[/re]: probably negotiating whore diamond size for Mrs Sanford.

  27. Dave J.

    Between Ensign and Sanford, I think the plan is to FLOOD THE FUCKING ZONE with stories about horndog GOPers who just can’t stop themselves from boning every woman they see. Next into the breach, Jim Gibbons.

  28. Voyou Charmant

    ugh. Listening to the tool bags dick around at the podium one of them says “That sounds like a personal problem,” with regards to a missing body pack, microphone thing-a-ma-gigger. Seriously; “that sounds like a personal problem” is the single least funny, generic comment anyone can make.

  29. x111e7thst

    It’s a loooong long way to Argentina
    It’s a looooong way to go
    It’s a long long way to Argentina
    to my tranny hooker and blow

  30. CthuNHu

    I’m kinda hoping some teary cheaply-dressed stiletto-heeled tart steps up to the mike and says, in a deep voice, “First, I want to apologize for any consternation my absence may have caused.”

  31. bureaucrap

    He’s still backstage, making sure that all the boys in Buenos Aires are agreed on the cover story… “It was an accident; he must have tied himself to the bed…”

  32. octupletsmom

    The % of ‘Murkins who identify themselfs as Republicans just went down 10% overnight.

  33. nappyduggs

    [re=346650]Noodle Salad[/re]: Please SKIP out methinks. He simply has to skip out to the podium in that get-up. Thank you, BTW.

  34. 4tehlulz

    Meanwhile, in the Bizarro land known as Red State:

    “First, we need to be clear on the facts — not the media speculation:

    – Sanford did tell his staff and family where he was going.
    – Because he was traveling without a security detail, it was in his best interests that no one knew he was gone.
    – His political enemies — Republicans at that — ginned up the media story.
    – When confronted by a pestering media, things went downhill.
    – Again though, at all times there was no doubt that Sanford’s staff and family knew where he was.”

    via TPM

    Apparently, his wife’s assertion that she didn’t know where he was was a clever ruse to throw everyone off the trail. Mark was actually on a secret mission to kill Osama Bin Laden in Buenos Aires.

  35. Beatrix

    Waiting for Mark Sanford to appear while listening to Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition (thanks WETA!) is hilariously surreal.

  36. SmutBoffin

    Does the insurance-selling lizard have any 2012 aspirations? How soon will it be revealed that he had an affair with a skanky skink?

  37. Oh hell to the no

    You guys, he’s obviously busy unpacking his S&M gear. That shit takes forever to unpack and hang up properly.

  38. Moleman v2.5

    [re=346642]orange[/re]: Sanford at the press conference = Allison Reynolds (Ally Sheedy) from The Breakfast Club:

    Q: Governor, don’t you think it might be problematic for a governor to vanish for days at a time?

    Sanford: I don’t have to runaway and live in the street. I can runaway and I can go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I could go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan, Appalachia, Argentina!

  39. tunamelt

    Seriously, some of us are on the left coast and would like this shit to be done before we need to eat. Step it up, Mr. Hope You’re Wearing a Diaper

  40. MzNicky

    [re=346636]Dave J.[/re]: Wasn’t it South Carolina’s own Strom Thurmond who at some judiciary hearing or other some years back couldn’t hear the witnesses speaking through the microphones and kept yelling “Wouldja … wouldja PLEASE TALK into THA MACHINE! WOULDJA PLEASE SPEAK INTO THA MACHINE!!”

  41. Moleman v2.5

    Missing governor is missing. Staff says they know where he is … this time … really.

  42. Noodle Salad

    [re=346684]nappyduggs[/re]: Also, he has to resign his seat because of an irreconcilable difference with the Lollipop Guild. And, you’re welcome.

  43. Serolf Divad

    WTF, if Sanford now Axle Rose circa 1989 or something? Stop making us wait, beyotch!

  44. takes12no1

    [re=346616]Dave J.[/re]: that would be too perfect! get rid of two dipshit Repubs at once. I’ve never been so proud to be a South Carolinian….uh….well…

  45. Tommmcatt

    Oh, God, let there be pictures. Please. Whatever it is, let it be smeared all over every tawdry, cheap publication in the United States…I’m talking Juggs, Boy Scout Foot Fetish Monthly, Politico

  46. tunamelt

    Oooh. I keep hitting refresh but it looks like the eco-driving quiz ad is back. Or did it never leave?

  47. tunamelt

    [re=346724]hoosiermama[/re]: Gotta get one last line of coke in before he confesses to a gay orgy and resigns to go to church therapy.

  48. DangerousLiberal

    Right off the bat: he has no idea what he wants to say. So he just riffs. He needs to break from the bubble. As governor of South Carolina?

  49. Wet Work

    Given the recent Britney concert episode, it’s definitely boy/boys.

    The incredibly ridiculous list of locations/excuses and unbelievable poor judgement indicates there are drugs involved.

    “Exotic” says that meth/rednecking is the usual and coca/gauchos is a special treat.

    Either way, he’s finished.

  50. tunamelt

    [re=346727]eastcoastliberal[/re]: Damn, blew the opportunity for her in a blue power suit.

  51. wrytoast

    [re=346727]eastcoastliberal[/re]: That means he was having buttsex with another hot argentine man with a mullett.

  52. freakishlystrong

    So, this is all about a tantrum he’s throwing, over having his package stimulated. What a wad.

  53. AxmxZ

    I’ve been listening to him for like five minutes and he’s making no sense.

    “Let me first of all apologize to my wife Jenny and my four boys…” – now we’re getting somewhere!

  54. MzNicky

    Jeezus is he milking being the center of the media circus universe or WHAT! What a DOUCHE, just get on with it for cryssake.

  55. S.Luggo

    [re=346686]Beatrix[/re]: “Waiting for Mark Sanford”. Did Samuel Beckett write that one too?

  56. Noodle Salad

    Forgets momentarily about how long he’s been “married” to “Jenny.” Good times.

  57. Oh hell to the no

    When he said “Jenny” I just kept thinking of Forrest Gump. And please resign. It would be the greatest thing to happen to me today since about 12pm CDT.

  58. wrytoast

    Jesus, he’s been talking for almost five minutes and has said absolutely nothing. WTF is he even apologizing for?

  59. magic titty

    [re=346685]4tehlulz[/re]: You’re a brave a deranged soul to have visited the Red State during a time like this.

    [re=346681]CthuNHu[/re]: Yes please.

    [re=346705]Fox n Fiends[/re]: “Maybe he’s just like his mother, she’s never satisfied…”

  60. Formerly Preferred

    He’s a bottom line kind of guy, if you know what I mean. AND I THINK YOU DO.

  61. Tra

    He’s going to personally apologize to everyone in SC, by name, before he explains what the hell he was doing.

  62. OReillysVibrator

    Why do I get the sense this entire speech will be “I apologize to my wife, my kids, my staff, my friends, my dog, my mailman, my ice cream truck driver, I did nothing wrong, goodbye.”

  63. PerhapsSo

    Argentine love child! Sanford & Hijo! Little baby Sanfordistas running about the coast near Buenos Aires where there are no roads!

    This scandal is the best upper ever, and it’s not even clear that it’s a scandal yet.

  64. ProfessorJukes

    Wow… is he going to blow his brains out on TV?

    He’s apologizing and apologizing, but nobody knows what for!

  65. MzNicky

    YES YES YES you have let down every human being you ever knew in your whole life. GET ON WITH IT you incredible sociopath!!!!

  66. Dave J.

    Ok, ok, you let every fucking person you know in the world down, except for the whore(s?) you were banging in Argentina. Get to the point, man!

  67. lazyb

    I always like to call press conferences to announce my wrongdoings to my spouse. Creates a little suspense, you know?

  68. Formerly Preferred

    Pro tip to Mark Sanford: God has nothing to do with whether or not you cheat on your wife. That’s all about you, buddy.

  69. LordPretzel

    MSNBC headline: “Gov. Sandford has taken many adventurous trips.” I guess they will add “with little boys” later.

  70. Monkeyhawk

    “The biggest self of self is self.”

    I think he’s got potential in the Repubic Party!

  71. wrytoast

    He’s talking about God’s law and self of self of self of self of self. I hope he starts crying

  72. SayItWithWookies

    God’s law? God’s law? Get to the queerness, the divorce and the resignation already.

  73. Tra

    He’s totally lost me. This would make a lot more sense if he’d confess to the affair first.

  74. norbizness

    I can’t wait for the “words not mentioned at press conference” story Politico is cooking up for this one. Let’s start with “taintblaster.”

  75. Dave J.

    “..and this one time in 1987 I accidentally left a 13.5% tip for a waitress in Greensville, and I apologize for that.”

  76. OReillysVibrator

    You have no reason to apologize to people of faith they are gullible morons just tell them whatever end it with “God told me so” and you’re golden.

  77. the deliverator

    the schadenfraude of this is overwhelming! i am laughing to hard to function at work, dammit.

  78. DangerousLiberal

    Ok, waiting for the big wind up for either his resignation or his staying…I think he’s gonna stay. After the self-criticism, cue the “I’m gonna stay and fight in three, two, one….”

    What would a GOPer know about moral absolutes?

    Woah–infidelity….all bets are off.

  79. CthuNHu

    [re=346727]eastcoastliberal[/re]: No wife = divorce! Which, ironically, will make this turn out better for him politically than otherwise, as folks will say, “Eh, she wouldn’t even stand by him, who can blame him for straying?”

    Still, he’s toast.

    And his wife looks like she was extremely hot, when Jimmy Carter was President.

  80. saggyboobedhag

    My heart, struggling, god’s laws, believers, grandparents, children, life, moral absolutes, Protest you from yourself, consequences, bottom law

    RIELLE!!!!!

  81. nbawriter

    This is a code yellow on the R. Budd Dwyer alert … he did say he was going to need years to get forgiveness.

  82. Extemporanus

    What channel is this damn thing on?!

    All I can find is some press conference of John Boehner doing a Foghorn Leghorn impression.

  83. Failed 2 Menace

    All bets on “UNFAITHFUL TO MY WIFE” can now collect. This result is official.

  84. liberaltruthsayer

    No shit, God’s Laws????

    Weeping????

    Fucking beautiful. I think I am close to the Big O…

  85. freakishlystrong

    This guy is an elected official, of anything? Really? What the fuck is he talking about? Self?

  86. MzNicky

    Who’s the black gal grinning over his right shoulder?! Creepy.

    A dear dear DEAR friend in Argentina.

    I hurt everybody I hurt a lot of folks I just plain fucking hurt.

    OK NOW GO AWAY.

  87. Serolf Divad

    BTW, I totally give Sanford a pass: Argentine women are HAWT!!!!!! No one can resist their HAWTNESS.

  88. saggyboobedhag

    Is it female, of age, and unmarried?

    B O R I N G

    . . . But I still like “Adventure-trip.”

  89. nbawriter

    I’d like to apologize to John Ensign … WHO JUST GOT CAUGHT WITH HIS NUTS IN SOME LADY’S MOUTH! HOW COULD I PICK THIS WEEK FOR ARGENTINA WHORE TRIP …. Booooo Hooooo.

  90. grendel

    Who is the black girl in the background smiling like this is the best thing in the world? I’d like to buy her a drink… yes, I’m a pedobear, don’t judge me!

  91. ProfessorJukes

    That’s it? He just fucked some chick?
    Maybe it was an Argentinian tranny. At least a hooker/pornstar. C’mon. Make this worth the trouble!

  92. DangerousLiberal

    Ok, you apologized, and want privacy. That makes it all better. Now, where’s the love child?

    And in NC, we don’t use “y’alls” as the plural of “y’all”.

    He’s resigning as chair of the RGA. BFD. But it’s to make more time for his family, and for SC, also. Damn.

  93. Failed 2 Menace

    Girl with sunglasses smiling and laughing behind him is so ultra-money.

    RESIGNING!

    Oh, as chairman of some gubbanors thing. Dang.

  94. Carrie_Okie

    Resigning at RGA. Big deal. Whore diamonds motherf%cker! Do you have one? Is it softball sized?

  95. GDuvall

    “I’m going to resign…”

    Yes…?!?!

    “…as head of the Republican Governor’s Association.”

    Meh.

  96. OReillysVibrator

    Hahaha MSNBC chyron says “I will tender my resignation as governor.” Uhh didn’t he say he’ll just resign as chair of the Rep Governors?

  97. gjdodger

    I feel bad for him. Surely there’s something we can do….I GOT it! Let’s send him some STIMULUS MONEY!

  98. pepe

    MSNBC just ran a false headline for almost a minute saying he will resign as gov. CAN THESE LIBRULS NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

  99. andy369

    Evil goddamn Reglicunts! I hate these motherfuckers!

    I have noting else to say except “family Values” = Fucking
    some cunt while your state rots.

    Will somebody please arrest and try all these goddamn criminals??

    Barky too! Another goddamn fake.

  100. AxmxZ

    Oh man, he’s crying… I feel bad for him now. He may be a drama queen, but he doesn’t come across as a douchebag.

    *pets bb Sanford*

  101. grendel

    The wife knew and he just cold said “Hey, I’m going to bang my gf for a week.. see ya”

  102. LordPretzel

    Since the governor has been giving this press conference, the Dow has been steadily dropping. I guess Big Business doesn’t care for sex with Argentines?

  103. freakishlystrong

    So all that mother fuckin’ grandstanding about the stim, he fucked over his State, to play to the “base” so he could run in 2012, and it’s all over now. HAHA!

  104. MzNicky

    Wow. I never realized what a total and complete brain-dead exhibitionist narcissistic asshole this guy is. This is nauseating.

  105. OReillysVibrator

    So far, I’m hearing him repeatedly say “this person” instead of “her.”

  106. LittlePig

    “Were you alone in Argentina?”

    “Obviously not”.

    OH SNAP! (Can’t blame him on that one. DUH, lady)

  107. ManchuCandidate

    So what’s this guy going to do if he’s Preznit of the US America? What if NK launches it’s entire force of zero ICBMs at Hawaii, destroying the world’s macadamia supply then is he going to run away leaving US America because he can’t take the heat?

    Dude, better to say you did a Argy ladyboy up the ass then ramble on about not being able to handle stress.

  108. DangerousLiberal

    Wow, 2:35 I feel sorta sorry for the fella. I’ll get over it very soon. “I met this person innocently, and then I innocently fucked her.”

  109. Serolf Divad

    Reporter: Did you break off the relationship?

    Sanford (paraphrasing): No. I intend to keep fucking her ’till my balls shrivel up and fall off.

  110. saggyboobedhag

    He got his ho and he still has four sons, why is he crying?

    And “cubby, thank you for being there as a friend” “He’s been with me all through this.”

    Can we hope for a three-way.

    And,no, Mark, you’ll never give us more detail than we want. How can you be in politics and think that?

  111. octupletsmom

    “Working through this for five months”. Then I went to Argentina to spend the weekend with my mistress.
    It’s working just dandy, this “working through this”.

  112. 4tehlulz

    From TPM:

    “In response to a question, Sanford says that his family knew of his affair prior to the trip imbroglio and that he and his wife have been working through their issues for some five months.”

    Apparently, they need to work a little harder.

  113. Moleman v2.5

    I bet the Argentinian woman is a Russian spy. He was being groomed to be a mole President some day.

  114. saggyboobedhag

    So, she’s married, too. That’s good.

    We exchanged some emails. She wanted to get back to her husband becuase of her children.

    “So I fucked her.”

  115. heroinmule

    Who in the fuck is in charge of this abortion of a press conference? That person should be fired. This press conference will end his career, not Argentinian pussy.

  116. nappyduggs

    Pat Puke-anan will read him the riot act for adulterating in espanol! Viva Sotomayor!

  117. paintitblack

    BINGO! The money shot! BWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA. Don’t cry for me, Argentina!!!! Gimme back my stim munies, ya crybaby loser-boy.

  118. StoneAge

    This whole Ensign/Sanford having affairs with women thing… is this what Steele means by reforming the GOP?

  119. sezme

    “He’s resigning as chair of the Republican Governors Association.”
    Yeah, sex with a woman … ewwww.

  120. MzNicky

    Good grief the incessant WHINING about no privacy for being in politics. Hey pal, there’s a real good solution for that — GET OUT

  121. President Beeblebrox

    In the words of P.J. O’Rourke, “What the fuck, man? I mean, what the fucking fuck?” This is one of the weirdest pressers I’ve seen, ever, since Budd Dwyer an heroed on live TV.

    Jurassic Park references? Resigning as chairman of the Republican Governors’ Association?

    Why doesn’t he just say that he had hot buttsecks or that he’s leaving his wife for someone else instead of totally collapsing on live TV?

    O NOES HE JUST SAID HE “MET THIS PERSON SEVEN OR EIGHT YEARS AGO”!!!1 WHO IS S/HE? AMURIKA DEMANDS AN ANSWER.

  122. Godot

    SAVED! This mystery Argentine woman was MARRIED and the mother of TWO CHILDREN!

    Not as exciting as preteen ladyboys but it’s enough to sink his career for sure.

  123. TeddyS

    You meanies leave the kids out of it, and I apologize for the governor apologizing to them.

  124. Jenny Sanford

    Honey, stop giving EMAIL a bad rap!! he is saying the word for the millionth time

  125. SmutBoffin

    And with that, the media switches focus from John Ensign to this piece of lice-infested twat-upholstery.

  126. Noodle Salad

    I’m sure the cubby colbertsons and tom davis’ would prefer that you stopped referring to them in your Earnest Crying Argentinian Sex Apology.

  127. ProfessorJukes

    Wussy!! Wussy!! Crybaby!! Dick Cheney will take you to his lair and make a man out of you!!! You will never cry again!!!

  128. MzNicky

    “I spent the last few days CRYING IN ARGENTINA!”

    Crank up the “Evita” rewrites.

  129. Serolf Divad

    Jesus, God, God’s Law, Jesus, Jesus, biggest titties you ever saw, Jesus, Christ, God’s Law, Jesus, Jesus,God, Jesus

  130. shortsshortsshorts

    He was totally cybering with the Argentinian and then went to make it the real deal.

  131. Dave J.

    Wow, props to a guy who “works through issues” with his wife about an affair he’s having for five months, and then leaves ON FATHER’S DAY WEEKEND TO FUCK HER IN ARGENTINA.

    Map props, Gov.

  132. saggyboobedhag

    “That sparking thing.”

    “Serious overdrive.”

    “You absolutely want resolution.”

    It was a place based on the fiduciary relationship I have with the people of South Carolina.”

    “Yo, I’m completely right with my heart . . . ”

    More code phrases we can use forever. Thank you, Mark Sanford.

  133. Oh hell to the no

    Is he still Facebook friends with this woman in Argentina and has his relationship status been changed to “It’s Complicated”?

  134. Serolf Divad

    Last question?!

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  135. queeraselvis v 2.0

    “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.”

    Jeez, WTF with these titty-baby Republicans? I’m with you, Min. It’s not only an alpaca, but it’s a male alpaca.

  136. Woodwards Friend

    He’s having an affair with a Mexican (or whatever you call people from Argentia)? Lou Dobbs will not care for this at all. WHAT YOU SCREW SCREWS AMERICA!

  137. 4tehlulz

    [re=346931]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Mark Sanford exists to make John McCain look stable.

  138. americanscandoanything

    please god

    let “argentinian = sarah palin

    and who is this rom davis he keeps apologizing to?

    and more crying also

  139. nappyduggs

    He just said “yo.” Noteworthy because it’s vaguely negroidian, thus like an Obamination.

  140. Tra

    “This was selfishness on my part.” What, from the guy who’d rather be a Republican candidate for president than give poor people food stamps? No!

  141. sezme

    Does anyone here realize how difficult it can be not to go to to Argentina as soon as you step outside the house? Just last night, I went out to buy a loaf of bread and I was in Paraguay before I stopped myself. I blame this on the babby Jeebus.

  142. Godot

    WHOA, he “jeopardized her LIFE”??!?

    What kind of high-octane action-adventures was boring ol’ Mark Sanford getting up to in his secret double life?

  143. Serolf Divad

    Now I know why he turned down the stimulus money: he was getting all the stimulation he needed in Argetina!

  144. MzNicky

    Did he just break off in mid-sentence and turn on his heel and leave?

    Unbelievable. Wow.

  145. 4tehlulz

    Just shutup and resign, Jesus fucking Christ.

    He has made me do the one thing I never thought I would do – feel sorry for South Carolina.

  146. Scottie

    Thank heavens!

    I feared it was a trip to South America for underage prostitutes.

    Whew! A consenting adult female!

    Nothing to see here folks. Move along. Move along.

  147. Extemporanus

    [re=346861]Extemporanus[/re]: “I say, I say, I say…”

    Boehner’s impression is getting better as this thing goes on.

  148. Guppy06

    [re=346977]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh God, oh God, oh Jesus fucking Christ, oh God, OHGODOHGODOHHhHHHHhhhhh….

  149. LittlePig

    Aw, they cut the audio feed just when the reporters were getting interesting. “Did you get the woman’s name?” “Didn’t say. I asked him but he didn’t say”. “She’s married, or was married…”

  150. Democratica

    Haaaaaaaa!!!! In the words of the great Candy Crowley, “OK, I don’t even know where to begin…”

  151. S.Luggo

    [re=346940]AxmxZ[/re]: Look. He could have said, “life form”. And at least it’s in the singular.

  152. Failed 2 Menace

    [re=346973]Noodle Salad[/re]:
    Earnest Crying Argentinian Sex Apology

    Very nice indeed.

  153. Jacobsbladder

    When a governor of one our great states has to go all the way to Argentina to get laid, America has been made weak in the eyes of the world. Thanks, Nobama!

  154. ProfessorJukes

    So, I went to Argentina for a week to cry… and to get THE LAST BLOWJOB I’LL EVER GET.

  155. saggyboobedhag

    Tom DAvis must have been basing his future on Sanford presidency, dontcha think?

    THAT’s who he’s been fucking. Poor Tom. Resigned from the House to “back” ol’ Mark and got reemed in a three-way he didn’t even know about.

  156. Dave J.

    On the continuum of GOP sex confession press conferences, I think this comes in #2 behind Larry Craig. Better than Vitter, though.

  157. paintitblack

    It’s all the fault of La Raza Sotomayor! La Raza MUST be stopped from entering el-Supremes! I mean: wouldja look whut happens when La Raza is merely “under” consideration!!! La Raza is a threat to our ‘murkin family values. poor white boy tricked by Conchita Banana….

  158. One Yield Regular

    Process process process process process.

    He sure seems to be dancing around using a feminine pronoun to refer to “this person.”

  159. IceCreamEmpress

    “In response to a question, Sanford says that his family knew of his affair prior to the trip imbroglio and that he and his wife have been working through their issues for some five months.”

    She may have been working through the issues, but he’s just been an international horndog.

  160. american mutt

    20 bucks says Hannity blames this on the libs or he doesn’t bring it up at all.

  161. Rosie Scenario

    Perfect photo — jaunty Sanford with jacket over his shoulder. Does anyone do that except for the “Sinatra album cover” look? Just Mark setting off on a caper.

  162. Failed 2 Menace

    And somewhere, Spitzer looks up from his snapper for hire and says, “what a pussy.”

    Whether he speaks of the unfolding drama on his television or the sweet foam upon his lips, we shall never know.

  163. Serolf Divad

    The Republican congressman that MSNBC is interviewing on the phone says he forgives Sanford, so Sanford’s .000000000001% of the way there already.

  164. bureaucrap

    [re=347026]One Yield Regular[/re]: I noticed that, too. This woman is named Alberto.

  165. freakishlystrong

    There isn’t a big enough crow for Doucheborough to have to eat tomorrow on Morning Mika, he’s been defending this bibletool all week…suck it Joe.

  166. TeddyS

    I think he was boffing Tom Davis, too. And he apologizes to his fellow Klansmen for failing them on the character issue.

  167. Dave J.

    [re=347026]One Yield Regular[/re]: Know how I know you’re gay? You keep saying “this person” instead of “this woman.”

  168. GayInMaine

    This is simply the most excitingly stupid thing a potential Republican presidential candidate has done!

    This week, I mean.

  169. totoro

    This is because of gay marriage. Gay marriage destroys the institution of marriage, and forces guys to travel 9 thousand miles to screw nasty tramps. Who are married.

  170. President Beeblebrox

    Mark, if y’alls ain’t smart enuf to carry out an affair discreetly, how can we expect you to become Preznit? Idiot could have done this so easily – just tell his Lt. Gov. and staff that he was taking a breather after the legislative session and that he’d be back in a week. No one would have been teh wiser. Instead he goes all weirdly incognito, gives inconsistent stories, and pisses everyone off in the process.

    At least Bill Clinton had the sense to get his cigar smoked in the Oval Office without attracting attention…

  171. Carrie_Okie

    So when you reconcile with your wife and children; you do that by of course visiting that chick you’ve been boning in another country. The Lord Jebus frowns on your bullshit.

  172. Jenny Sanford

    if democrats can’t turn this into the biggest thing since.. heck EVER.. they have lost my vote forever. Party of America First just went Argentina First!

    anyways, i have had my 15 mins.. who wants my name?

  173. booboo210

    He added the “SHE” late in the confession. It’s bullshit – better than 50% it’s a MAN, baby!

  174. nappyduggs

    Recall how the wives of both Governor McGreevey and Governor Spitzer showed up at the pressers and though they looked subdued, you just knew that they had wailed on those tools with their Blahniks in the limo on the way there. What’s with these Carolina shrinking violets? Meet us upper east coast broads somewheres around VA and we’ll learn ya how to handle these things.

  175. Saragon

    WEPR here in Greenville, SC cut from Sanford’s weepy little confession to a piece of classical music that sounds like the finale to a tragedy, complete with weepy violins. Hilarious.

  176. One Yield Regular

    [re=347025]paintitblack[/re]: I sure wish National Lampoon was still around. I can just picture THEIR “Wise Latina” cover this week.

  177. Tavish

    Fun fact about Sanford: He voted yes on three of the four articles of impeachment against Clinton back when he was in the House. But no need for him to resign, totally different circumstances, right? That was a much simpler time in his life, when he wasn’t getting Argentine hummers.

  178. paintitblack

    Can’t help it: this one’s makin’ me cadkle w/glee! Hooray for make-sexy-time in, of all places, Argentina! FTW??!! Can the GeeOooPee get any stupider? I am in awe of this tool’s jerkwadness. Now whur’s muh cocklat dildo???

  179. booboo210

    From another site: “I don’t think it’s a woman either. He spent the first half of the press conference talking about a “person” and a “friend,” and didn’t say “she” or “her” until toward the end. I think he decided that admitting it was a man would be too much for him to deal with right now, so that will come out later.”

  180. Itsjustme

    Dear Republicans: Please keep your dick in your pants and a brain in your head at all times. That includes you Governor Palin!

  181. 4tehlulz

    [re=347038]Dave J.[/re]: Maybe he’s confused; after all, I’m sure this dear friend has a dick, but an awesome set of tits too.

  182. superfecta

    This would have been much better had he given the conference on the balcony of the Casa Rosada in a white dress.

  183. Serolf Divad

    [re=347047]booboo210[/re]:

    The truth is a little more complex than that: Sanford had known this Argentine woman for 8 years, but it wasn’t ’till she lifted up her skirt and showed him her cock and balls that he fell hard for “her.”

  184. bago

    [re=347036]octupletsmom[/re]: Republican stars don’t grow dim, they’re born that way.

  185. Hooray For Anything

    You actually have to kind of give him credit for not reading some watered-down statement written by his political flunkies but for going full train-wreck on it. Takes a weird kind of courage to do that.

  186. Dave J.

    Quote of the day on this from Free Republic:

    Another notch in her belt! It will play well on one of those South American personality shows I sometimes tune through on cable.

  187. ph7

    Five days crying in Argentina?

    Jesus Christ. No wonder Hemingway blew his brains out. America can’t even produce manly ex-pats any more.

  188. jodyleek

    My guess…the Argentinian woman called off the affair. That’s why he made the mad dash and that’s why he was crying for five days. What a little pussy whipped bitch!

  189. ZonkerHarris

    I’ve been scrutinizing Wonkette’s hotter, better-dancing cousin publication, Wonkettá, yet can’t find pictures of this chica anywhere…

  190. liberaltruthsayer

    Fuck. Can’t get the Sanford and Son theme out of my head. Thanks a lot, Governor.

  191. pmr

    First Ensign, now Sanford… Sarah Palin’s diabolical plan to populate the Earth with Republican Seductrix robots has begun. They’ll pick off her competition one by one. Up next, Rosie from the Jetsons will seduce Haley Barbour with a grilled ham and cheese and a bottle of borbon.

  192. Kingbee

    America First, Mark! Buy local! Why buy Argentinian milk when South Carolina is full of — well, whatever.

  193. Zorg

    Really stable empires, such as China, Byzantium and Ottoman Turkey, required that men seeking high government positions be eunuchs. Now, at last, I see the wisdom of this practice.

  194. Failed 2 Menace

    US just scored a goal in Confed Cup semi, so this day is coming together nicely around the theme of US America stuffing its thing into Spanish-speaking countries.

  195. facehead

    IF NOBAMA WOULD SUPPORT THE BABY SEAL DEMOCRATS IN IRAN NONE OF THIS HAPPEN!!!!

    OMG I’M OUT OF TWIZZLERS!!!!

    SHAVE EVERYTHING!!!

  196. Moleman v2.5

    Don’t try furry Argentinians!
    The truth is I’m only hiking
    or in Atlanta
    I kept up my Twitters
    Don’t keep my passport

  197. nappyduggs

    I sincerely hope that her name is Carmelita Tropicana and she that she wears skirts made of tropical fruitz. Oh my.

  198. S.Luggo

    And he didn’t have the decency to wait until his wife was in a hospital bed to have this fling. Bastardo.

  199. Scooter

    Idaho’s Senator. South Carolina’s Governor. I guess the redder the state the bluer the balls.

  200. american mutt

    [re=347086]AxmxZ[/re]: Michelle keeps him in check. I like that. No “Yes sir” from that chica. Grrowl.

  201. x111e7thst

    Wait,Nimrata (Nikki) Randhawa Haley is Argentinian now? Does little Piush know this?

  202. Lord Growing

    “Now, darling, are you sure you can’t come up to South Carolina? It’s beautiful in the summertime.”
    “I’m not coming to fucking South Carolina.”
    “You see, I’m kinda of governor, so I’ve kind of got this whole security detail and media scrutiny to deal with. It might look bad if I disappear to Argentina with no explanation.”
    “I’m not coming to fucking South Carolina.”
    “Ah, fuck it. I wasn’t gonna beat the mulatto anyway. I’ll be on the next plane.”

  203. President Beeblebrox

    [re=347084]4tehlulz[/re]: Must be referring to the “Xou da Xuxa“. That sounds like a show Freepers can get into – kissing of prepubescent kids and all that.

  204. Paco

    ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING AFFAIRS AND THE TELEVISED CONFESSIONS AND BREAK-UPS! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! CURSE YOU, SANDRA TSING LOH!

  205. eclecticbrotha

    Damn, I know I’m late to the party but can ?I still suggest he was in Buenos Aires fucking the corpse of Josef Mengele?

    I’m really not buying the affair with a woman. This has pool boy written all over it. The GOP immediately starts playing the victim and demanding everyone respect Sanford’s privacy.

    Some goof was just doing a live report from South Carolina and there was a protester having what sounded like gay sex off camera. Or maybe he was being buttfucked with a night stick by a couple of hunky Capitol police.

  206. sezme

    This brings back the important issue of where exactly are high-profile married politicians supposed to go to get fucked discreetly? JFK was treated to a mega orgy courtesy of Santos Traficante in Havana shortly before he became president, but what’s a fellah supposed to do these days?

    3 whore-diamond-whores? Out. The plump office intern? Out. Videographers? Out. Anonymous airport men’s room strangers? Out. Teenagers in motel rooms dressed as pandas? Strangely, also out. Sexy married ladies/laddies in other continents? now out as well. What’s left? Rubbers and tuggers at the local Asian massage parlour? Doubtful. Quick wank in the shower? Still your best bet.

  207. Servo

    He really disappointed the GOP for not spending that down-low time having buttsechs with a longshoreman from the Falklands.

  208. Godless Liberal

    I kind of want to commemorate this day by fucking a foreigner in Finlay Park, where maybe he can see from the governor’s mansion.

  209. Autochthon

    [re=347068]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I concur. He’s set a standard for full-tilt, public, GOP dumbfuckery that will be hard to beat…

  210. americanscandoanything

    I don’t see what the big deal is here

    he simply let “the market decide”

    hot argentinian chick vs. played-out wife

    that’s a no brainer

  211. ph7

    [re=347087]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Haley was born in SC, went to school in SC (Clemson) and lives in SC. Her parents are Punjabi Sikhs.

    Nothng Argetinian about her.

  212. Wet Work

    Definitely ghey. The guy has lied forty times already about this story. If it was a hetero affair it wouldn’t have the week-long-drug-bender-disappearance component to it. A woman on the other end would’ve demanded more discretion.

    Ghey all the way.

  213. Moleman v2.5

    Sanford’s “I wanted to do something exotic” comment sure sounds a bit saucier now, doesn’t it?

  214. President Beeblebrox

    The Huffington Post’s subheadline for the story is “Met Person in Argentina…” Not “woman,” “person.”

    WHAT DOES ARIANNA KNOW THAT WE DON’T?

  215. bwill

    Dammit, I had book on him being caught in a love nest with Lindsey Graham!

    Guy is toast. Especially if he flew to BA on the taxpayers’ dime for some Argentine poon.

    Another note: I’m the same age as Sanford, and I did all my reckless shit with my penis back in my 20s. I’m more discreet now.

  216. eclecticbrotha

    [re=347123]americanscandoanything[/re]: Epic.

    Its fascinating listening to the media lecture the Democrats to avoid exploiting this for political gain.

  217. nappyduggs

    Alas, this non-penis wearing jezebel Nikki Haley is not a negress, but she is brown. Miscegenation FTW. Foppish hypocritical adultreez- FAIL.

  218. Crazybroad

    [re=347082]pmr[/re]: I don’t think you’re far off target on that — this was all just part of Sarah Palin’s plan to take over the GOP Governor’s Association. Mark Sanford was FRAMED! Unfairly SEDUCED!! The next victim will be Steele.

    But now at least we know what she’s doing with those SarahPAC funds.

  219. MzNicky

    I haven’t had this much fun at a live-blogging since Sarah Palin at the 2008 Repug Convention.

  220. horned_viper

    I am surprised by the outright confession. He could have just been shifty and given vague responses, but he came out guns blazing. It is refreshing in a twisted way. I hope future GOP presidential campaign will adopt this format of destroying their political careers.

  221. Terry

    “I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.”

    I bet the Argentinian woman was happy to see him leave because really you want your lover moping around your house for five days crying. That’s so sexy.

  222. MOG

    He didn’t leave, his aides swept him away from the mic before he could start talking about his “confused childhood”, “lonely teens” and “personal relationship with Jesus”. I, for one, am grateful.

  223. agentstinky

    “I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.”

    Eva Peron would be SO PISSED.

  224. DogBoy

    I have many questions, among them:

    as he made the announcement of being “unfaithful” to his wife, why is everybody in the background giggling?

    how many more elected-official sex scandals are we going to have this summer? isn’t it traditional to wait until August to make this sort of thing public?

    well, that’s enough for the moment. i think i need to go take a shower.

  225. Failed 2 Menace

    When Sanford’s Buenos Aires slampiece comes forward, she will express her anger at having been deceived.

    “First time we met, he told me, ‘I’ve got to go back to my home in Columbia. I’m the Governor there. I thought he was in with the Norte del Valle Cartel.”

    “What the hell is a South Carolina?”

  226. Hooray For Anything

    [re=347087]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Yep, it has to be her. From her web site:

    “Strong families are built on strong values, and strong communities are built on strong families. I’ve always believed that promoting the values that keep a family strong is a vital step in ensuring the health, safety and prosperity of our communities. That’s why I support faith-based initiatives that encourage character education and the development of a strong moral code in our young people. We have economic and educational promises to keep to our future generations, but in fulfilling those obligations we should never forget the central role the family plays in teaching our children right from wrong.”

  227. Anita Cocktail

    [re=346623]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]:
    Don’t cry for me Argentina
    I just spent five long days weeping
    I’m not a librul
    I am just hor-nee
    etc

  228. Mahousu

    “What would you like the kids and me to get you for Fathers’ Day, honey?”

    “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything. I’ve got it covered.”

  229. Adolf Bachmann

    He made a pilgrimage to Argentina to hunt down Maradona’s legendary “Fist of God.”

  230. Brooklyn

    I can’t decide what my favorite part of this speech is, when he says “that sparkin’ thing,” or when he basically says that if you are in politics, you have to me a total phony…..

  231. finallyhappy

    Will we be having a new Republican elected official confessing every week? I’m already bored- the last two have been affairs with adult women. What happened to boys and male prostitutes who also provide meth? I am hoping for Lindsey Graham and John McCain to confess.

  232. hobospacejunkie

    Godammit! Why did I have to pick this life to be crazy in? I take an afternoon for my monthly visit with my psychiatrist, returning with reams of new anti-crazy prescriptions, stop in the Walgreens parking lot to check in with my only friend (Wonkette, I don’t have any “human” friends) and discover I’ve missed the greatest US America community experience since the moon landing! Well over 500 comments and still going strong. When will I have time for my nap? Oh such a glorious day. Such a glorious day!

  233. sezme

    [re=347427]hobospacejunkie[/re]: “Such a glorious day!”

    That would probably be an indication that your meds are working. But yes, it was pretty great.

  234. oldguy

    “I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.” Is his wife going to kill him later this evening?

    Just Say No.

    And thank you all for the best news coverage on the planet.

  235. wheelie

    I just got to read all the 500+ comments now, and they were worth the read. This is the best site ever for coverage of sexy US political shenanigans. I love you all.

  236. NYNYNY

    [re=347099]Lord Growing[/re]: Yo, I thought you said you wuz the Governor of Norte Carolina, I jus look you up online, eet says you the Governor of Southe Carolina. Southe Carolina eez nastee, I no go there. You want me go to such a nastee smellee playz? No way babee.

  237. Failed 2 Menace

    How long following its retirement must this thread wait before it becomes eligible for admission into the Schadenfreude Hall of Fame?

    The only way it could be sweeter is if were printed on paper derived from recycled Appalachian Trail guides, with ink that has been sprinkled with an eyedropper’s dose of Sanford’s tears.

  238. hobospacejunkie

    Yawn. Not even the biggest story of the day. That would be Spain’s upset at the hands of the US America soccer team. The team I hate because I sat amongst them (wearing my Italy shirt) at the World Cup in 2006 for the US America v. Italy match. My fellow Americans abused me no end. Which was fine, they should have. But they also exposed their complete & utter ignorance of the game and of Italian soccer in general and from that day forth, through no fault of the team’s, I hate the American team. Italy was always my team anyway, but I was also a US American fan. No longer. Godammit Spain. I was looking forward to Brazil v. Spain this weekend.

    And godammit Sanford. I was looking forward to a confession which included trannies, ideally underage and Dominican. You disappoint in so many ways.

  239. Pithaughn

    [re=346678]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Oh not. Not and “that’s what she said” are way further up the list. Which is topped out with “WAY!”

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