Mark Sanford’s going to talk to the media, RIGHT NOW. We are watching MSNBC, which is most likely to cover it — it is hard to get a camera inside South Carolina — due to its liberal politics. Make your bets NOW about possible sex affairs/love children, closest-without-going-over gets a chocolate dildo…
SUMMARY: If you missed the hot live action, he admitted to having a hot sex affair with a hot babe in Argentina, for a year, and then he apologized to millions of people and Gods.
2:05 — That state Sen. Knotts guy was talking on MSNBC, and state Sen. Knotts does not miss many meals. Every feature on his body is spherical. Maybe he ate Mark Sanford and that’s where he was?
2:08 — Ou es tu, Sanford? We have to get back to aggregating Iranian Twitter feeds. His appearance might be delayed, they say! Suppose this is what we get for caring about local politics in some slave state.
2:10 — The babe editor of Hotline is telling us that John Ensign had an affair last week, and now Mark Sanford is uhh involved in some problem, so the Republicans could be in trouble!
2:14 — MSNBC has CUT AWAY FROM COVERAGE because Mark Sanford is just that late. Now there is a commercial break. We are watching a commercial with a lizard selling car insurance.
2:17 — Some greaseball is talking about the economy now. Doesn’t MSNBC know that Americans stopped caring about this as a news story a month or two ago?
2:20 — He still isn’t out. No one will tell us when this is happening. Perhaps he is in Bermuda with the terrorists.
*****2:24***** HERE HE IS HE IS TALKING and seems confused.
2:24 — He is talking about his history with the Appalachian Trail. He used to take people’s money, when he was younger, and then send them to the Appalachian Trail. These were called “Adventure Trips.”
2:25 — “Adventure Trips” help you escape the bubble. BUT THE WIFE MUST NOT KNOW!
2:25 — What he said this morning “was not the whole story.” Here we go!
2:26 — He’s apologizing to his wife and his four children “for letting them down.”
2:26 — “This is the first step in what will be a very long process on that front.” WHAT IS THE FRONT.
2:27 — Apologizing to his staff. He invented a “fictional” account of where he was going, and told his staff this. He apologizes to South Carolina. He apologizes to some hobo who was living in his basement during his first governor campaign. “We called it Jurassic Park.” Hey Mark, who did you fuck?
2:29 — Man, he is breaking down. Now he is giving his philosophical take on God’s Law, and his conception of sin. He is a person of Faith. Who did you have sex with, Mark?
2:31 — AHA: He developed a relationship WITH A WOMAN IN ARGENTINA over the last year.
2:31 — Ha ha ha, when he finally said what happened, a lady in the background gave a rather brutal “WTF?” head turn.
2:32 — Stop asking for forgiveness and babbling about your God. Liz Becton would not approve.
2:33 — He’s resigning as chair of the Republican Governors Association.
2:34 — QUESTIONS.
2:34 — Someone asks if he is separated from his wife. “She is there, I am here, so I guess.” Jesus.
2:35 — He and his wife have been “dealing with this” for the past five or so months. He is in some sort of AA for cheaters? Or just regular therapy.
2:36 — He’s discussing his relationship with his Argentinian sex lady, and how he and she had a very earnest conversation about how they should each stop cheating on their spouses.
2:37 — Pretty sure he just pulled out the old, “If it’s in different continents, then it doesn’t count.”
2:37 — They were friends for eight years. “Then a year ago things sparked into something else. I have seen her three times since the sparkin’ thing.”
2:38 — “I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.”
2:39 — Why does he keep talking about what he did to some guy named Tom Davis, who slept in Jurassic Park in his basement? Tom doesn’t give a shit. Guy Code.
2:40 — Did he lie to his staff that he was going to the Appalachian Trail? No, he only told him he “might go to the Appalachian Trail” last Thursday, which was true, hypothetically.
2:41 — OVER. Well, nothin’ much, just secretly flying down to Argentina every now and then to sex up a sexy lady. Sounds like a good deal! Why stop?
2:43 — One more thing: John McCain used to do this in the 1950s.