REPUBLICANS IN THE NEWS  12:40 pm June 24, 2009

Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?

by Ken Layne

Rick Perry is Packing Fudge.Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days.

Mark Sanford is, of course, a self-serving grandstanding asshole with national political ambitions, even though he’s the Republican governor of an actual slave state of the Confederacy. Well versed in the current GOP methodology of “I’ll screw over my poor jobless citizens to make a one-news-cycle stink on cable TV, about Obama, and then I’ll completely backtrack and mumble about responsibility,” Sanford has much in common with the other Republican governors considered “sacrificial lambs” for 2012 … according to the Associated Press, anyway.

Squeaky exorcist dwarf Bobby Jindal, for example, was considered by somebody somewhere as a potential challenger to Barack Obama in 2012 because (rolls dice) … Jindal is kind of brown-y. But then he gave his “cringe-inducing nationally televised response to Obama’s first budget address” from an actual slave-plantation set from Gone With the Wind, and Bobby Jindal’s name was never mentioned again. Jindal may have gone to Argentina, too, but nobody cares to ask. Would you care if Bobby Jindal was in Argentina, right now? Bobby Jindal could be the first man on Mars and nobody would care. Wikipedia would be all, “Somebody may have landed on Mars. Nobody really knows/cares.”

Also! Rick Perry, that moderate house-burning RINO of Austin, he could’ve been a contender. Too bad Republicans in Texas don’t trust him, which is why he went on the teevee and threatened to secede from America, because wingnuts in Texas get widdle-biddy erections when they hear talk of secession, but this tragically exposed Rick Perry to American voters, who were all, “Oh jesus, that guy? Fruit salad!” And a few days later, Perry was begging Washington for sweet federal welfare dollars to fight the Mexican Pig AIDS, which originated in Texas, the end.

Then there’s Sarah Palin, the “Kate & Jon” of American politics. This mean, brain-dead rat was chosen as John McCain’s comical running mate because she had a big head of real-estate agent hair and pooped out a baby every couple of months, so wingnut bloggers could tap out trying-too-hard sonnets of lust for their Lady of the Klondike, because hubba-hubba men are supposed to like the women, isn’t that right? Wokka wokka. But she ended up being a remarkably dumb, tone-deaf grifter even by GOP standards, and now she’s nothing but the pathetic butt of late-night ratings-stunt jokes meant to keep that Conan O’Brien from getting all the glory Jay Leno already packed up and hauled away to his personal self-storage steel building full of vanity cars, in Burbank.

Analysis: SC gov’s disappearance a problem for GOP [AP]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Dave J. June 24, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Oh, this is just gold, from Josh Marshall:

“There is some evidence he was not alone,” a source in South Carolina politics told TPMmuckraker. “The other shoe’s gonna drop. I believe there’s a reason he wanted to drop his SLED detail.”

NewSpence June 24, 2009 at 12:47 pm

I just want to know if there is a Neiman Marcus in Buenos Aires. Those Republicans sure love them some Neiman Marcus.

Red Zeppelin June 24, 2009 at 12:47 pm

I am in awe or the sheer brilliance of this snark-rant.

tunamelt June 24, 2009 at 12:47 pm

[re=346424]Dave J.[/re]: Well, thanks, Captain Marshall Obvious.

BillyClubb June 24, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Disappearance is a problem for the GOP? Not in my book.

kipperthegod June 24, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Why do I think this all has to do with buttsex? If the GOP came out as the party for repressed people who really just want buttsex, maybe they’d be in the running in ’12?

tunamelt June 24, 2009 at 12:50 pm

The real question is whether there will be any reason to make any more 30 Rock/Southern Repub Gov crossover fan videos.

Lascauxcaveman June 24, 2009 at 12:50 pm


(She finally paid back the state of Alaska for her kids’ airline tickets, so now she is a SAINT.)

Tommmcatt June 24, 2009 at 12:51 pm

I think we should go easy on Sarah Pali for a bit. If too much truth gets out about her she might not get a chance to run in 2012, and com’on…the LULZ. Won’t somebody think of the LULZ?

imissopus June 24, 2009 at 12:52 pm
magic titty June 24, 2009 at 12:53 pm

“…a big head of real-estate agent hair…”

That’s the fucking funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. Ken Layne is a folk hero.

Crazybroad June 24, 2009 at 12:53 pm

[re=346434]Red Zeppelin[/re]: I had to check the author because I would have SWORN it was PMS-induced. Bravo Ken, Bravo! “Widdle-biddy” may have cost me my job.

Noodle Salad June 24, 2009 at 12:54 pm

I do like how the AP blandly asserts that the only reason Obama picked Huntsman as the ambassador to China was his 2012 potential. Really? Not that Huntsman speaks fluent Mandarin and is extremely familiar with the country?

And, if it’s true that Huntsman was the only competent GOP governor (thanks for setting the bar so high, “Carnivale” Sanford), then maybe he was chosen because he will be able to do the things the President asks him to do?

Min June 24, 2009 at 12:54 pm

[re=346424]Dave J.[/re]:
Q. How many Republican governors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Republican governors don’t screw in lightbulbs. Republican governors screw in Argentina.

Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.

paintitblack June 24, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[re=346434]Red Zeppelin[/re]: second that! Hard to pick any one thing that stands out, but I did snort esp loudly at this one re weird oddity Piyush: “Somebody may have landed on Mars. Nobody really knows/cares.”

CollegeStudent June 24, 2009 at 12:56 pm

The omission of Gov. Jim Gibbons from this list is clearly a sign of an East Cosat (and Alaska) bias.

AxmxZ June 24, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=346424]Dave J.[/re]: He was with Jesus the Lord in spirit and Jesus the Underage Boy Hooker in body.

Dave J. June 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Bobby Jindal could be the first man on Mars and nobody would care. Wikipedia would be all, “Somebody may have landed on Mars. Nobody really knows/cares.”

It’s funny because it’s true.

Serious June 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Check your dice, Ken – it’s “Jon & Kate” according to trending topics on Twitter.

TGY June 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

The GOP is the party of the absent.

Nerdalicious June 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

[re=346434]Red Zeppelin[/re]:
Yeah brilliant & hilarious. Matthews ranted on the weird govs last night too. Funny about Jindal. RNC pulls out one joke after another & the only ones that don’t disappear are perennial asses Limbaugh & Palin (who you are right, played right into a late night ratings gag) Unf*****g believable about Sanford not taking the money. Like SC could get any worse. I think Bill Mahr has the good fortune of appearing in of all places, Greenville, SC this week. Comedy gold!

Youstonedorjuststupid? June 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

[re=346445]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Doesn’t she have to be dead to actually be a saint? I’d go Catholic if it would make that happen.

freakishlystrong June 24, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Ken, please re-post this verbatim on the AOL site, so that we may devour the Wingnuttia goodness that will be the comments. Thank you.

charlesdegoal June 24, 2009 at 12:59 pm

So the marriage counselor advised the governor to take a hike?

SmutBoffin June 24, 2009 at 12:59 pm

…Bobby Jindal, for example, was considered by somebody somewhere as a potential challenger to Barack Obama in 2012 because (rolls dice) … Jindal is kind of brown-y.

Is this some great new Republican role-playing game? I’m gonna play a character from the Bible Belt with good stats in Grandstanding and Obstructionism and who has a +3 Press Office bonus to saving throws vs. ‘infidelity scandals’.

jetjaguar June 24, 2009 at 1:00 pm

more HOT news:
“I found out that he was taking frequent trips at odd times of the night in a SLED car with no security,” Knotts said.

This is going to be the best liveblog.

ph7 June 24, 2009 at 1:01 pm


I cam here for the politics, but stayed for the prose. Well done, brother!

iolanthe June 24, 2009 at 1:01 pm

OMG, he pulled an Aimee Semple McPherson!! (Google it.)

At least he had the good taste not to try to make it look like he’d been raptured.

If only they could find out he’d been lounging under a palapa with Limbaugh.

freakishlystrong June 24, 2009 at 1:01 pm

[re=346477]freakishlystrong[/re]: And the alt text. also.

Bowdoin June 24, 2009 at 1:02 pm

It sure ended the career of an earlier loon, one Aimee Semple McPherson, who sneaked away with her lover for a couple of weeks and there was a Where-is-Aimee furor so she had to make up a kidnap story just like kids caught out late today do, only she never regained her former glory, so it’s doubtful some cracker cretin who never attained any in the first place can expect much, from Buenos Aires.

4tehlulz June 24, 2009 at 1:03 pm

[re=346477]freakishlystrong[/re]: I second that emotion.

Dave J. June 24, 2009 at 1:03 pm

[re=346482]jetjaguar[/re]: Nothing better than when a politician has a hated enemy in his own party who is only too happy to watch him go down in flames. This Knotts guy is completely screwing Sanford every chance he gets, and it’s completely amazing to watch.

Oldskool June 24, 2009 at 1:04 pm

You can almost hear the cable channel rush to sign up Repubs for reality-tv deals.

Violenza June 24, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Beautiful! I want to see Kate’s central-PA-reverse-mullet on Sarah’s big fat vulture head NOW. And Toddster with two big solid CZ’s in his ears (if he doesn’t already have them). NOW!!

Vewol Mevemont June 24, 2009 at 1:04 pm

And where is Rielle Hunter during all of this? Ha ha, a consenting female adult… I kid, I kid.

Hooray For Anything June 24, 2009 at 1:05 pm

You know the Republican Party is in trouble when one of their Governor’s used to be a sexually harassing, pot smoking, steroid injecting, ex-action hero and he’s not considered to be the crazy one

CivicHoliday June 24, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Egad, Ken, you’ve outdone yourself with this one. Good show, old man.

bitchincamaro June 24, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=346488]freakishlystrong[/re]: The use of that Perry shot always portends alt-text hyjinx, dun it?

Madame June 24, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Simply splendid, Mr Layne.

19kevin8 June 24, 2009 at 1:07 pm

[re=346434]Red Zeppelin[/re]: As am I, Red, as am I.

malo-ji June 24, 2009 at 1:08 pm

I would imagine it might be easy, over a poor international phone connection, to confuse “I’m after Argentinian Tail” with “I’m off for the Appalachian Trail”.

tunamelt June 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

[re=346499]Hooray For Anything[/re]: …do you know how weird it is to have seen your governor’s ass on television?

Nerdalicious June 24, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Holy Crap! The latest (this hour anyway). Sanford was swallowed by a sinkhole in the Dead Sea. Jesus burped him out so he could testify, & spend all the stim money decorating his pool house in the Gov Mansion! F**k the sheeples! Hallelujah!

Makeithurt June 24, 2009 at 1:16 pm

I’ve heard from the guy who bought crack for Sanford; some flunky from the state house garage. Says he and Sanford like the Daddy/Son relatiuonship that develops after a couple good hits off the glass pipe. Seems as if Sanford goes for the throat fucking thing once he gets all tweaked up. The guy says he gulps it down like a pro.

magic titty June 24, 2009 at 1:17 pm

If the first question put to him isn’t “Where da pussy at, dawg?”, then the press corps will have failed us once again.

Gopherit June 24, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=346424]Dave J.[/re]:protip – don’t park next to your lover’s car if you are trying to hide your romantic getaway.

shortsshortsshorts June 24, 2009 at 1:28 pm

TPM is saying that Sanford wasn’t alone when he went to the airport and he had GUESTS (AKA 15 year old boys). Why not with the wife and kids, Mark?

Yes, the press conference should be fun.

octupletsmom June 24, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Oh, Ken, total win. There is surely gold-mine-snark-term-paper materials in the lesser-known Republican gubernors, too. Keep trawling!

McDuff June 24, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=346424]Dave J.[/re]: “SLED detail”? Sanford was running a sled in some Argentine snow race? Is the other woman Palin?!

Hooray For Anything June 24, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=346509]tunamelt[/re]: If you play around on Google Image Search, you can see a whole lot more of my Governor. A whole lot.

Saragon June 24, 2009 at 1:31 pm

One of TPM Muckraker’s commenters had it right: Mark Sanford now has the intra-party credibility he needs to run for President as a Republican.

June Cleaver 2.0 June 24, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=346463]paintitblack[/re]: The Piyush reference was mad funny.

Terry June 24, 2009 at 1:33 pm


…and in the men’s room at Union Station

One Yield Regular June 24, 2009 at 1:34 pm

A cryin’ shame – all those guvs are going to be *SO* left behind…

octupletsmom June 24, 2009 at 1:37 pm

[re=346531]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I used to cringe when Ah-nold got to be gubernor and the masses talked about Constitutionalizing letting alien-borns like him be preznits. Now I think it would be a blessing for the Republicans and a blessing for the country, if we have to have a Republican preznit again in my lifetime. How crazy is THAT?

ShawnML2 June 24, 2009 at 1:38 pm

What a terrific post! Thanks. Very clever, very funny!

McDuff June 24, 2009 at 1:39 pm

“I found out that he was taking frequent trips at odd times of the night in a SLED car with no security,” Knotts said. “He would be driving. I got wind that he had taken another one of these types of capers last Thursday, and that nobody knew who he was with.”

Didn’t some winger billionaire spend mucho Americos “investigating” some dip-shit Arkansas governor’s rumored use of State troopers to procure poontang? I think it’s time ACORN plunked up some serious cash for an investigation of a certain South Carolinian. God knows no journalists are gonna do it.

paintitblack June 24, 2009 at 1:46 pm

[re=346543]McDuff[/re]: Yeah, baby. Where’s George Soros when we really could use ‘im?!

4tehlulz June 24, 2009 at 1:56 pm

2 minutes until Mark Sanford goes Bud Dwyer on us.

bago June 24, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Brilliant rant.

myheadsexploding June 24, 2009 at 1:58 pm

ken layne you frickin jeenyuss. i shall encrust this post with all my whore diamonds.

LittlePig June 24, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=346424]Dave J.[/re]: Your comment was teh awesome.

Man, this guy makes Bill Clinton look like the McGuyver of adultery.

carlyt June 24, 2009 at 2:07 pm

It is impeachment time for the good Governor. There is a related post at

Zadig June 24, 2009 at 2:18 pm

I beg to differ on the Mars joke. If Bobby Jindal were the first man on Mars, there would be a full-blown government cover-up, because no man must know that the first person on the red planet was someone as tepid, boring, and embarrassing as Piyush. I mean, honestly, it’s only when Chris Matthews mentions him by name in a recap of Republican prez hopefuls that I even remember he exists.

But in general, you are a satirical Jesus today, Ken. Just when we were getting all impressed with young Master Waggaman’s droll humors, Layne steps up and reminds us why he’s the head editor around here.

Slobodan Milobsterchopz June 24, 2009 at 3:17 pm
MarSF June 24, 2009 at 4:01 pm

Freaking excellent post! Bravo Mr. Layne.

sweet old bob June 24, 2009 at 6:23 pm

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: