Wonkette
We feel a bit sorry for treefucker Mark Sanford’s communications department, like this harried spokesperson Joel Sawyer, who probably knows only these facts: Sanford grabbed a pair of keys at some point Thursday, told everyone in the office, “Enjoy working, losers, I’ll be back in a week or whenever,” smacked the secretary’s ass on his way out, and that’s it. Give JOEL SAWYER a raise, of money! He now claims that his office spoke this morning to Sanford, who was confused as to why anyone would care if he abdicated his state executive job for a week to go into the Forests, alone, beyond all contact. Sawyer said Sanford “plans” on returning to work tomorrow morning.
COLUMBIA, S.C. — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford called his chief of staff Tuesday morning to check in after an unexpected five-day absence, and was surprised to learn that his disappearance was garnering significant attention, his spokesman said.
“It would be fair to say the governor was somewhat taken aback by all of the interest this trip has gotten,” spokesman Joel Sawyer said in a statement. “The governor communicated to us that he plans on returning to the office tomorrow.”
What you must note in every story about this, many of which bear the headline “Mark Sanford found” or “Mark Sanford located,” is that no, no one actually knows where he is! The Appalachian Trail is approximately 450 million miles long, stretching from Georgia to New Hampshire to India and back. Mark Sanford could well be in India, people!
South Carolina Governor to Return to Office Wednesday [WSJ]
I don’t know how any of us functioned without him the last few days. It was as if life lacked any meaning or purpose.
Taken aback, or taken out backed and mouth-raped?
He’d best get back to work before someone accidentally runs into into him out on the trails. With with an SUV. Over and over and over and over…
meltdowns come and meltdowns go,
count on the wingnuts to give us a show
Maybe he was out there digging up some long forgotten dead bodies, because developers had decided to build condominiums in that area.
Or maybe he just had an urge to take a shit outside. It happens.
I’m sure SC is doing just as lousy today as it was on Wednesday when Sanford was in charge. Perhaps it is time for SC to downsize, save taxpayer money and give the governor more time for “hikin’ the trail.”
Joshua Norton: I don’t see why that has to happen just on the trail.
Srsly, what a governor.
Also, there are reports that Sanford may have been hiking naked. Apparently last Sunday was “naked hiking day” on the trail.
The poor guy tries to spend a few day jackin’ off in the woods, far away from the yammering media and his albatross of a family. Is that so wrong, I ask you?
This guy’s got presidential “timber written” all over him.
What does that mean? Is there vice-presidential timber? Does it have more knots?
Isn’t this what Dave Chappelle did right before he went nuts and decided that he hated money?
“It would be fair to say the governor was somewhat taken aback by all of the interest this trip has gotten,” spokesman Joel Sawyer said in a statement.
He’s done this several times before and nobody noticed. The difference is that the cleaning lady knocked over the Ken doll Sanford had cleverly placed in the chair behind the governor’s desk, which was when everyone realized it wasn’t him.
“You shore got a pertty mouth…” (cue Deliverance music)
Joel Sawyer made a rookie mistake. When your boss is getting their chrome polished after a hard week, you never, ever give the media a place that can be searched as their location. It’s a long trail, but it’s not like CNN has anything better to do like report the news. They’d either find his ass or show the whole story to be complete bullshit in 8 hours. He had to come back by tomorrow.
The Governor’s got quite a bit more hiking ahead of him if he hopes to score some of D.B. Cooper’s stimulus money.
His wife and four sons didn’t know where he was during the mysterious five days, which included Father’s Day.
SayItWithWookies: What’s funny is that he’d placed a Hefty bag filled with turds in bed next to his wife and she took no notice. None.
Noodle Salad: The views are so beautiful, you can’t help but want to hike naked.
How you like dat, South Carolina? You got miles of well worn trails, sparkling lakes, beautiful vistas but your man is all up in Georgias shit, sniffing the pine trees, fondling her little woodland creatures…what about your woodland creatures! A state has needs, when was the last time Alfalfa there spend a few moments enjoying your God given wonders?
He’s a dog, South Carolina, kick him to the curb!
Your Friend
Delaware
Unfortunately, this is the only post Wonkette has ever had with the tag “naked people”.
I bet he was in Iran handing out duplicating machines and didn’t want the mullahs to figure it out How else do you explain the silly Appalachian trail bullshit
Scott English is no Clayton Endicott III, fo shizzle…Governor Gatling had a “dream team” staff compared to this yokel.
I HEAR YOU!!!
While Sanford was blathering on about his high and mighty principles and the stimulus money a while back, I was thinking, “Dude, take a hike”.
I really must learn to use my powers for good.
tunamelt: South Carolina is for Trou Droppers.
Just what is Sanford using to do his “writing” while on the Appalachian Trail? A burned twig and a piece of tree bark?
I think Governor Treebeard has some ’splainin’ to do.
Noodle Salad: South Carolina is for Inconveniently Located Ticks.
So I guess the new euphemism for a coke-bendering weekend of whorin’ in Hotlanta is “hiking the Appalachian Trail”.
Hmmmm. Usually they take time off to spend more time with their family. I’m guessing it’s a 5 day bender with a Filipino tranny named Pooter.
I wonder what would happen to my job if I just decided I wasn’t going to show up at the office for three days without telling anybody.
magic titty: At the verry least, he could have the good grace to live-blog his outdoor shitting. Just like me! Right now!
econdave: I know what would happen to your job. The same thing that happened to mine.
Yeah, Mark Sanford is probably in India. They like yellow people there.
This is OFF TOPIC and thus breaking bloggy ettiquite etc, but there’s an article on Politico about SNARK. With politicians talking about being snarky. And giving examples of their snark. AND THEY QUOTED DAVID DENBY. Also, it is three pages long.
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0609/23984.html
I told my politically-minded son, now home from the U. for summer (sigh) that I would like to meet OUR governor. He said “then do it”. Then he got mean and said “you aren’t going to do it, are you?” I said, well, I have to think of what I’d like to chat about. Then I open Wonkette. Now THERE is a governor I DO NOT want to meet, I sez. And it hits me: I could ask OUR governor why he never goes mysteriously missing for days, and whether he ever wants to go mysteriously missing, and where he would go if he were to go mysteriously missing, an so on. OUR governor would have a “field day” with this.
WideStance: The wife and kids we know about….
Monsieur Grumpe: Oddly specific. No prizes for guessing correctly, Pooter. How was he?
tiny mexican: Oh, man.
“I think part of this can be traced back to ‘The West Wing,’” says Steel, referring to the popular White House drama that ran for seven seasons on NBC. “Aaron Sorkin has an incredible ear for the way people talk and for verbal dueling. A lot of younger people in Washington came to Washington inspired by that.”
What’s the word for an article about snark that’s not even funny and just kind of terrible and awkward and sad?
tunamelt: Dope like Denby?
He asked people along the trail to call him Captain, and also goes by the nickname Skink.
I won’t know how to feel about this until the 3:00 EST Sanford-related update. Please tell me there’s at least 12 networks devoted to round-the-clock Sanford coverage.
econdave: If I were an employee of the state of SC, I’d so be taking advantage of the precedent set by the governor.
The only thing he can do to save his boney ass now is turn up with a missing white girl, one he himself didn’t snatch. So to speak.
tunamelt: Politico.
I’m just hoping for Ma Nature to whip up a little global warming terror into Governor Dumbass.
“With my spear and magic helmet…”
Min: Twitter.
norbizness: It’s a hell of a lot more fun than a crumpled Metro train.
Come here a minute: No no NO. Sanford is a tool, and Skink is the anti-tool. It’d be cool if he met with some hilarious Hiaason demise though, out there on the trail.
I had a fun back and forth with a friend of mine I thought I’d share:
“I just wrote a “prayer” for Governor Sanford. Of course, I’ll feel real bad if something is actually wrong with him, but I’m thinking there is a “pattern of behavior” here, huh?
-T
=====================================
God, please don’t let this “Governor Sanford missing” scandal involve any Republican behavior that includes prostitutes and diapers, child molestation, paying your mistresses kids for the privilege of screwing their mom, foot tapping, bestiality, gay meth whores, snuff films or any other sick twisted deviant hypocritical Republican “Promise Keeper” Talibangelical KKKristian behavior!
Please, God! America has had just about enough freakishly weird sick shit from Republicans to last several generations. Make it stop! Please!!!!
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Love it.
Here’s a snippet from a news story I’m expecting to see any day now.
When inteviewed by police, the checkout clerk at Wal-Mart said, “I didn’t really think about what he was buying. I mean, condoms, cucumbers, duct tape, clothesline, a family size jar of Vaseline, hair clippers, C-clamps, Tabasco sauce, and an electric fence charger isn’t really that strange a cart. We get all types of people shopping here.”
R2″
I had a boss like this once. He would parade around in his underwear, try to give me backrubs, and then light out for a week on a drunken bender. And a true Repubatard through-and-through!
magic titty: Flashmob
GaySailor: I saw some (hippie Unitarian) friends in K-Mart once whose shopping cart contained only a case of 10W-40 and a box of Trojans. Oh, a wonderfully awkward moment of party preparation.
You know, I think the only thing that would freak South Carolinians out more than Sanford driving back from Atlanta with a dead male hooker is public nudity that isn’t the result of alcohol or meth. So I’m really hoping he’s been hiking naked on the AT. It’d be as ridiculous an end to his political career as, well, his political career.
Also I live here and love the Appalachians, and would find it hilarious to be hiking the trails with my wife and saying “And over here’s the tree where Mark Sanford - you know, the guy you voted for - stopped to take a naked lunch break”.
Too many weird coincidences: First, I’ve been in SC since Thursday; then, the Franken/Coleman spoiler is found dead in http://www.thestate.com/breaking/story/837880.html
Wait for it: South Carolina!
Goddammit, I’m through with traveling.
Still not eaten by endangered bears? They’d better hurry up, as time’s a-wastin’. I realize you can’t keep a good man down (which is why the lions didn’t bite Daniel), but this is the exception that proves the rule.
I only hope he made it to the Maine terminus of the trail. There’s some mouth-breathing shit-kickers Down East who’ll make Ernest T. Bass look like Steven Fucking Hawking. “Mmmmm, orange-flavored hillbilly cracker. Nom nom.
Advocatus_Diaboli: This is an interesting juxtaposition of two of the facts in the case:
The Sheriff’s Office said a narcotics officer recovered 10 grams of marijuana and two scales from the kitchen of the home.
Davis became an international celebrity at the age of 16 when he reported the first sighting of the legendary Lizard Man, a big-eyed swamp creature, but authorities never figured out what prompted the reports.
V572625694: Presidential timber. It’s all about the wood.
Min: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Getting Sanford to take a hike was for good. Now can you turn those hike-inducing powers on Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber, Michelle Bachmann, Rush, Cheney…there are so many that need to take a hike, it’s hard to pick just one.
Uh-oh. Check out the latest from TPM: Sanford’s vehicle was left at the Atlanta airport, and a federal agent saw him boarding a plane there. Plus, his wife says she still has not heard from him.
Mahousu: Check Palin, Bachman, and Ensign’s calendars — immediately. And Liz/Elizabeth’s.
Does he get paid while on the lam? I mean if I wasn’t available to my employer for 5 days; there would be questions needing answers.
One Yield Regular: Now let’s not be too hasty.