Wonkette
Which island paradise will this “lucky ducky” get to retire to, now that a judge has issued a ruling — with exclamation points! (!!!) — demanding that he be released? Abd al Rahim Abdul Rassak was captured by US forces in 2002 and held at Guantanamo for years, even though before he went to Guanatanamo he was held and tortured by the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Obviously, American authorities were concerned that he was still loyal to Al Qaeda because you never forget your first captor.
We all know that prisoners invariably end up falling in love with their captors, or at least liking them! Hence the story of Patty Hearst, Mariah Carey and her first husband, and of course the great European prison town of Stockholm, which got a whole syndrome named after it.
So: who does Rassak love more, his original captor/torturers, or the United States? The US argued their own charms could not possibly compare to “first torturers, first loves” the Taliban and al Qaeda. The presiding judge, US District Judge Richard Leon, said this!
“I disagree!” wrote the judge, adding that U.S. officials are “taking a position that defies common sense.”
And also!
“There is no evidence — from either side — as to why he suddenly was suspected by al-Qaida leaders of spying and was tortured for months into giving a false confession,” Leon wrote. “It is highly unlikely that by that point in time al-Qaida (or the Taliban) had any trust or confidence in him. Surely extreme treatment of that nature evinces a total evisceration of whatever relationship might have existed!”
Hmm, what a pickle. Maybe he hates the Muslim gangsters for torturing him. Maybe he hates the US for keeping him in Gitmo for seven years. Or maybe he hates (loves???) them both equally! Solution: colonize the moon and resettle detainees there.
Judge orders Guantanamo detainee freed [AP]
But see, Al Quaida is like a big frat, and this is just some hazing that makes the pledge bond with his big brothers and become a loyal member for life!
Yup, this is what happens when you have Skull and Bones members making the policies.
Jeez. This guy needs a break. How about we set him up with a lifetime pass to Disney World and all the free food coupons he can carry in a wheelbarrow.
“He was imprisoned by the United States when he tried to provide information to us about his torturers.”
Well, it makes perfect sense now — anybody who would rat out his own torturers obviously can’t be trusted.
Rassak should be allowed the first hate-fuck of Don Rumsfeld, nay, the first cluster hate-fuck of the entire torture team.
Anywhere east of Cairo, it’s Kandahar syndrome.
Maybe he could just move to the military housing section of Gitmo. Work at the Gitmo McDonalds. I think they would feed him during the break.
Being held and tortured by Al Taliban, Ltd. for years only to be then captured and tortured for many more years by the US is just like being behind the guy with 11 items in his grocery basket at the express line.
…oh, wait. Did I do that right?
I think resettlement to a certain ranch outside of crawford would be fitting…
“And another thing!” Good grief, that judge.
SayItWithWookies: No snitchin’.
I look forward to Judge Leon’s next ruling, TWATTED IN ALL CAPS!!!
Is there a job, besides POTUS, that would be more frustrating than to work as legal counsel for an innocent man tortured and held by the US government? Those people must drink more than me, and with actual good reason.
Remember: Leon spelled backwards is Noel.
When the judge said “total evisceration,” Dick Cheney had multiple orgasms.
JadedDIssonance: Except she sold her hobby ranch when tin-cowboy-ism was no longer needed. Send the poor guy to Dallas, to be the cabana boy, at a big mansion in a swanky neighborhood.
This Just in from the Taliban…” We don’t torture!!!”
It was an enhanced interrogation procedures fully vetted and approved by our mullah of genital electrification, it was NOT TORTURE.
Can he has his 70 virgins. Now!
dijetlo: Nice.
But did the Taliban’s Justice Dept officially back them up? In memos?
He has been trained by the Taliban and Al Qaeda in their Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape program — he must undergo more enhanced interrogation to really get the truth out of him.
Dude to U.S.gubmint:
“You had me at waterboarding.”
{Scene}
freakishlystrong: Just give him the production rights to his new tell-all-hollywood-multinational-superspy-thriller. /fixed.
What, no vacation package on the Pitcairn Islands?
JadedDIssonance: No, no. Nappy’s got the right angle on this; it has Romantic Comedy’ written all over it. Here’s what I’m seeing:
Hot young property Shia LaBoef as the main character (NOT a terrorist, just a regular Amahd) swept up in circumstances outside his control by his hyper and bumbling terrorist friend (played by that guy who does Kumar) and his over-the-top comletely bonkers cell leader (Sascha Baron Cohen).
They all get captured, tortured by the Taliban (insert funny reason here) in a Afghani prison run by Meghan Fox (in drag, like Paltrow in “Shakespeare in Love”) who is just a liberated Islamic gal who is living a double life, getting her kicks torturing the young boys (who can blame her!). She falls in love with the LaBoef character, just before the prison gets liberated by Navy seals, and all three guys get sent to Gitmo, where a lovely US Marine interrogator (also played by Meghan Fox) does the whole torturing/falling in love thing with LaBoef etc. to the end. Meg Ryan in a cameo as the curmudgeonly staff sergeant that sees the potential in the two lovebirds and gets them together in the end.
We’re talking big box office here.
Scalia will straighten this out on appeal. “Rassak may have been tortured and imprisoned by the al-Qaida. But the essential question is: was he waterboarded or made to wash Lynn Cheney’s pantys? There is no evidence to support this. We must therefore find for the Government. Off with mister-date-sucker’s head.”
Well, that’s one judge who will never sit on the U.S. Supreme Court. Common sense is for commie pinko liberals, dude.
This fact situation would only work in Joseph Heller’s “Catch 22,” or in Dick Cheney’s fevered little pea-brain.
But how can we tell how good we have gotten at torture unless we have a control group that has been tortured by both sides?
WhatTheHeck: I’m sure somebody wrote a Fatwah authorizing the entire escapade so it’s all strictly kosher.
This is EXACTLY what Congressional Republicans go through when they’re being oppressed by Nancy Pelosi!!1!
Based on the recent treatment of our friends the Urgers , I see a lifetime suite at the Plaza Hotel in New York and unlimited hookers and blow in this guy’s future.
I curse the day I was not sent to Gitmo and waterboarded by our government. How can I get on the list?
But if we put the Gitmo terrorists on the moon, we will have to worry about New York being destroyed by Moon Lasers. Hell, all that’s stopped them so far is getting to the moon in the first place. WHY DOES HUSSEIN OBAMA WANT TO HELP TERRORISTS DESTROY AMERICA WITH SPACE BEAMS?
Yay! Space Australia!
I had seen this episode of “CSI,” but didn’t realize that Lady Heather’s last name is “Rassak.”