Where The Dickens Is That Rascal Mark Sanford?

by Jim Newell

Dan Abrams must be worried sick!As the authorities trace his phone calls so as to locate him and his wife “Jenny” drinks bottle after bottle of zinfandel and morphine in sweatpants while watching her programs, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a “2012 presidential hopeful,” is currently getting cover from his staff for his insane disappearance. They’ve been claiming all day that he is fine, but they probably have no fucking clue either. What’s the latest make-believe excuse?

Why doesn’t Mark Sanford just tell people where he is? Perhaps the poor baby is worried that if the public knew he was taking a few days off during difficult budgetary times, it would make him “look bad.” Aww, don’t worry Mark Sanford! You can tell us anything, we’ll understand, and we won’t criticize. Come out with it, young man. We care for your safety!

A representative for Governor Mark Sanford says the governor is hiking the Appalachian trail and taking some time away from the office this week to recharge after the stimulus battle and the last legislative session.

Hiking the Appalachian Trail instead of doing his job? DOESN’T HE KNOW HOW BAD THE ECONOMY IS? AND THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT BUDGETARY TIMES? What a sack of rats! Boo Mark Sanford, Mark Sanford is the worst!

Sanford hiking, not missing [News 2 Charleston]

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cal June 22, 2009 at 10:49 pm

Round up the Uighurs!

AnnieGetYourFun June 22, 2009 at 10:53 pm

Um, did he DO anything with the stimulus thingie, or just sit and sulk the whole time? I really don’t know; I’ve been away.

windupbird June 22, 2009 at 10:53 pm

Cue the high-speed banjo music…….

memzilla June 22, 2009 at 10:54 pm

Sunday was the annual Naked Hiking Day celebration: http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/offbeat/dpgo_naked_hiking_day_fc_20090619_2589442 .

I’m sure Sanford’s “hiking the Appalachian Trail” at this same time is a mere coincidence.

Come to think of it, we haven’t heard anything about the whereabouts of Senators John Ensign or Larry Craig today either, have we?

Duvall June 22, 2009 at 10:56 pm

So he goes into the woods, by himself, without telling the Lt. Governor or his wife where he’s going?

Heckuva plan, Mark.

boinggg June 22, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Hiking the Appalachian Trail? He’ll be easy to spot….he’ll be the one ON FIRE!

Hopey dont play that game June 22, 2009 at 10:57 pm

“Hiking the Appalachian trail” is the new “The Aristocrats”. My guess is that he was bound in duct tape with a toothless hooker, two Chinese acrobats, a coffee enema and a canoe paddle. T

PerhapsSo June 22, 2009 at 10:57 pm

That means hookers and blow in a motel somewhere off of I-26.

SayItWithWookies June 22, 2009 at 11:01 pm

Dear Jenny –

Afraid the budget battle has taken its toll. Feel fat, haven’t been to the tanning booth in almost a month. But the Lord has blessed me with a sign — in my hour of need, I ran across a page who can suck the skank off of Paris Hilton. Not that he would, ha ha. Anyway, going to Atlanta for some beta-carotene injections, and then Diego and I are going to — um — hike the Appalachian trail for a few days. Up and back, up and back, up and back.

Love ya,


SomeNYGuy June 22, 2009 at 11:04 pm

Missing inaction. Not a typo.

Nerdalicious June 22, 2009 at 11:04 pm

Maybe Rush Limbaugh should disappear on the Appalachian Trail & try to lose 8,000 lbs of stupid.
Oh, & Sanford? He’s practicing eating bugs for the next “I’m An Ex-Governor Get Me Out Of Here”.

AnnieGetYourFun June 22, 2009 at 11:04 pm

[re=344930]SayItWithWookies[/re]: An awful lot of them ARE really orange. Why is that?

CivicHoliday June 22, 2009 at 11:10 pm

he’s training for a spot on Survivor: West Virginia (and hoping he and Blago can form a coalition that will carry them right through to the end)

hockeymom June 22, 2009 at 11:11 pm

I think he heard Jon and Kate were splitting up and now was the time to make his move.

2008 Thru-Hiker June 22, 2009 at 11:12 pm

I love the AT and teh wonkette, so I made a login just to talk about this idiot:

just reading about this. I’m torn…on the one hand, its kind of awesome for some random hikers to meet some random old asshole out in the woods and 3 months later realize that he was the governor of south carolina just stone cold pissing away his political career in the woods. I also am a big fan of people quitting their jobs to go hike the trail, having done it myself and the world would be a better place if newt gingrich et al followed his lead. I’d like to think he can’t hike for shit, but he probably has alot of sweet gear. Though I can guarantee he is carrying at least 20 pounds too much, despite all his talk about “cutting the pork,” I met about 200 old guys like that on my hike.
On the other hand, I love the AT, and I hate to think of all sorts of republicans reflexively talking about how great is is and somehow trying to taint it with conservative bullshit in an effort to distract from how ridiculous it is go hiking for a week without telling anyone in your family or office. + probably he is actually on a 6 day drunk with buttsehks and various prostitutes really, also.

SayItWithWookies June 22, 2009 at 11:14 pm

[re=344934]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: The best theory I’ve got is that being in the cloet for so long affects their night vision. They make up for it by creating their own incandescent glow. If any closted Republicans would like to confirm or deny this theory, please speak up.

SomeNYGuy June 22, 2009 at 11:16 pm

Aliens? Anal probe?

Spoiler candidate for President of Iran?

Gone undercover at Belizean Grove?

AnnieGetYourFun June 22, 2009 at 11:17 pm

[re=344937]hockeymom[/re]: Jon didn’t strike me as his type, but that makes as much sense as anything, I guess.

rocktonsammy June 22, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Rather, who is Sanford dicken?

Tolkienista June 22, 2009 at 11:24 pm

Ugh, my governor.

Dude, hiking the Appalachian trail is for 16-year-olds and kids kicked out of college for rampant drug use. Not for people in charge of disbursing state funds.

somethinstinks June 22, 2009 at 11:25 pm

[re=344921]windupbird[/re]: Yessss! “You got purdy lips, Governor. Now squeal like a pig.”

Udargo June 22, 2009 at 11:26 pm

Stand back, everybody! He’s about to go Bulworth!

JMP June 22, 2009 at 11:35 pm

Mrs. Sanford really doesn’t seem to care about her husband’s “disappearance” that much. Have the SC troopers done a thorough search of their basement? Or looked for fresh digging in their yard?

lovekills June 22, 2009 at 11:36 pm

Just another example of family values. Fuck your four kids on fathers day, go “write” something on your mind.

lovekills June 22, 2009 at 11:37 pm

Another thought: He is better looking than that aruba girl

proudgrampa June 22, 2009 at 11:39 pm


Mark Sanford June 22, 2009 at 11:40 pm

If he’s dead, do I have to change my profile name?

freeatlast June 22, 2009 at 11:44 pm

What a prima donna. He needs some time to lick his wounds after losing the battle to dismantle that grossly overfunded 1st rate S.C. education system. Douche bag.

PerhapsSo June 22, 2009 at 11:44 pm

[re=344957]Mark Sanford[/re]: You could be The Ghost of Mark Sanford.

mollymcguire June 22, 2009 at 11:45 pm

Geraldo is stalking Gerry Condit at this very moment.

southpaw June 23, 2009 at 12:06 am

I’ll call bullshit. Those staffers don’t have the first clue where he is. If they’re not drinking heavily, they fucking should be.

S.Luggo June 23, 2009 at 12:09 am

Try the Off-Off-Broadway revival of “Gypsy“.
Word has it that Mark is a show-stopper. Tears are shed.
Stimulus Funds, also.

Neilist June 23, 2009 at 12:12 am

You people are not reading carefully enough.

He’s in rehab for a Rush-bo level Oxycotin addiction.

“[T]he governor is hiking the Appalachian trail . . . .”

“Hillbilly Heroin”? Hello? How much plainer do they have to make it?

obfuscator June 23, 2009 at 12:19 am

[re=344968]Neilist[/re]: [i]“[T]he governor is hiking the Appalachian trail . . . .”[/i]

[b]You Have Died of Dysentery… Buttsecks, Also.[/b]

obfuscator June 23, 2009 at 12:20 am

[re=344972]obfuscator[/re]: you suck at internet.

S.Luggo June 23, 2009 at 12:21 am

We seek him here, we seek him there,
Those Demos seek him everywhere.
Is he in heaven? — Is he in hell?
That damned, elusive Governor.

qaf June 23, 2009 at 12:26 am

You mean no one here’s noticed he’s still Twittering™? How did I get ahead of the news cycle?

El Pinche June 23, 2009 at 12:34 am

He’s taking a nice long smoke break after fucking his state Deliverance-style, It’s a hard job fucking each and everyone of his constituents out of their stimulus money.

He deserves some privacy and serenity you heartless bastards!

biznesskommunity June 23, 2009 at 12:38 am

The story of Gov. Sanford’s whereabouts having to be tracked through his cell-phone usage is obviously not worthy of comment by respectable blogs. Unlike Yglesias’ posting of Chariman Steele’s radio show, huh Jim Newell?

Scooter June 23, 2009 at 12:38 am

Well if by “hiking” you mean “fucking”, and by “Appalachian” you mean “hillbilly”, and if by “trail” you mean “whores”, then Sanford’s story is completely plausible!!

answerbird June 23, 2009 at 12:46 am

I’m not expert in geography but Alanta is no where near the Applachian trial. Man all the dude had to do was stay someone with cell reception and this would not be a news story. There ain’t no way he is going to be able to spin this.

GaySailor June 23, 2009 at 12:49 am

I think someone is making him “squeal like a pig!” Cue banjo music again.

Jim Newell June 23, 2009 at 12:55 am

[re=344979]biznesskommunity[/re]: Huh?

S.Luggo June 23, 2009 at 1:09 am

Where the Dickens?

[re=344975]qaf[/re]: The Ukraine has a G3 system. Incipient, but North Korea, also.

S.Luggo June 23, 2009 at 1:22 am

[re=344979]biznesskommunity[/re]: “The story of Gov. Sanford’s whereabouts having to be tracked through his cell-phone usage is obviously not worthy of comment by respectable blogs.” So true. Let’s leave this to Heritage Foundation.

Youstonedorjuststupid? June 23, 2009 at 1:30 am

I have a feeling that this little story is gonna end in a single gunshot or a blowjob.

Adolf Bachmann June 23, 2009 at 1:33 am

He’s summering in Alaska, protecting gubernatorial whelp Willow Palin’s anal virginity from rapacious “cock” show hosts like Bonin O’Cryin & Gayvid Leatherman.

glamourdammerung June 23, 2009 at 1:55 am

This whole thing is just really odd.

Though I agree with the commenters about their being another penis involved.

gurukalehuru June 23, 2009 at 2:10 am

Where is that magnificent bear?

wickedlittledoll June 23, 2009 at 2:23 am

So does that mean he won’t be on any milk cartons?


GaySailor June 23, 2009 at 2:25 am

God, please don’t let this involve any Republican behavior that includes diapers, paying your mistresses kids for the privilege of screwing their mom, foot tapping, bestiality, gay meth whores or snuff films or any other sick twisted deviant hypocritical Republican “Promise Keeper” Talibangelical Christian behavior!

Please, God! America has had just about enough freakishly weird sick shit from Republicans to last several generations. Make it stop!

Mike Steele June 23, 2009 at 2:26 am

Everyone, please stop overreacting. It so happens I was on the Appalachian Trial yesterday, and I ran into my friend, Governor Sanford. He looked fine, but appeared to be hungry. I offered him some free money to get something to eat. Surprisingly he refused. I said “Look I’m giving the money to you anyway.” He got really mad then, so I left out of there. He is a little odd.

dr.giraud June 23, 2009 at 2:27 am

Mrs. Sanford should start a koffee klatch with Nooners. She’ll bring the zinfandel and morphine; Peggy will bring the cough syrup and Scotch.

Bruno June 23, 2009 at 3:17 am

He’s gone Gault of course. May we forever be denied his political expertise while we whither away in sweet sweet stimulus.

Kev-O-Tron June 23, 2009 at 3:28 am

Guys, relax. Everyone’s totally worried that he’s NOT doing gay sex with slutty people. Don’t worry cause we’ve been together the entire time. Here’s the dirt: he likes to do it while watching the miniseries Roots. weird.

NYNYNY June 23, 2009 at 4:52 am

“Hello, Withers, give me Governor Sanford”
“I’m sorry Mr. Burbank, but the Governor is…erm…’Hiking the Appalation Trail’”
“Oh, I see. I SEE”
“I’m sorry, certainly no one can speak to him for a week.
“Oh Yes, I see, entirely.”

NYNYNY June 23, 2009 at 4:58 am

[re=344984]answerbird[/re]: There’s nothing to spin. He was sick of being Governor of South Crappalatia, so he walked out.

zhubajie June 23, 2009 at 5:25 am

Gone to meet Republican sperm donors at the public cr*ppers, no doubt.

Zhu Bajie

Gallowglass June 23, 2009 at 5:38 am

That’s actually a pretty awesome excuse, since the trail runs from Georgia to Maine and takes something like 6-8 months to do the whole thing. He could be “hiking” (‘ludes and shower sex with migrant workers) for the rest of his term. Not that that’s a bad thing.

zhubajie June 23, 2009 at 5:43 am

Worst of all: he’s joined the Brother Stair Cult in Walterboro, SC! The Profit knows everything! http://www.overcomerministry.org

Zhu Bajie

hobospacejunkie June 23, 2009 at 5:47 am

[re=344972]obfuscator[/re]: Try carets instead of brackets.

[re=345006]GaySailor[/re]: Get hold of yourself, man. Of course we want more of all of which you speak. Now and forever more.

[re=345005]wickedlittledoll[/re]: Are you trying to get executed?

Also, for future reference, don’t eat/drink morphine or heroin. You lose about 85% of its effectiveness that way. Or so I heard somewhere. Just trying to save you folks money and make sure your pain management needs are met. Or exceeded.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 23, 2009 at 6:46 am

Hiking the Appalachian Trial = Power Bottom

bago June 23, 2009 at 6:53 am

I’m going to “Take a Sanford”. This means I will ignore your stimulus while “hiking your Appalachian Trail”.

Unlearned Hand June 23, 2009 at 7:02 am

Remember that whacko Eric Rudolph? The one who shot up those abortion clinics? And how he hid out in the Appalachians for several years?

I’m not saying Sanford is an extreme right-wing terrorist. I’m just strongly suggesting it by making an apposite comparison, while frantically calling the Southern Poverty Law Center and BATF.

Hunger Tallest Palin June 23, 2009 at 7:17 am

“Hiking the Appalachian Trail” is the ecologically sensitive alternative to “Driving the Hershey Highway.” Who sez Repubs don’t care about the environment!

arewethereyet June 23, 2009 at 7:52 am

[re=344926]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: i’ll be trying to get my mind around that scenerio all day!

JadedDIssonance June 23, 2009 at 7:54 am

I wake up early on a tuesday, NPR in Chicago is pulling another pledge drive, Kate and Jon are Breaking Up, My Twitter is broke and now some governor-fuckup is trying to hike the a/t?

I hope he failed to file plans with the Rangers, left by himself and gets lost in a dense fog.

JadedDIssonance June 23, 2009 at 8:00 am

[re=345038]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Please point out that you do not care for Jon and Kate, it was just a list of calamitous happenstance du jour.

Hunger Tallest Palin June 23, 2009 at 8:04 am

[re=345038]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Lost in a dense fog describes 99.9% of the GOP at any given time.

Mahousu June 23, 2009 at 8:10 am

[re=345039]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Today, we are all Jon and Kate.

Hiking the Appalachian Trail of our minds.


Godless Liberal June 23, 2009 at 8:14 am

I suppose it is too much to hope for him to be butt-raped by a gay bear on meth or something, which happens frequently on the Appalachian Trail.

carlyt June 23, 2009 at 8:20 am

It appears the governor is somewhat unstable. This was one of the GOP contenders for 2012? There is a related post at http://iamsoannoyed.com/?p=1909

Bearbloke June 23, 2009 at 8:24 am

Maybe Sanford took a trip in order to kill the now-dead Ed McMahon?

dijetlo June 23, 2009 at 8:30 am

It’s easy enough to find out, if he spent the last week on the AT he’s covered in poison Ivy and ticks…well maybe not the ticks, he is a republican after all and I’m assuming even ticks have standards.

JadedDIssonance June 23, 2009 at 8:34 am

[re=345041]Mahousu[/re]: I did a 3 day 75 mile hike on the a/t when I was in high school with a few friends. I’ve always wanted to through-hike the a/t, but I’ve never been petulant enough to simply disappear to do so.

He’s definitely a public figure to look up to and emulate.

Why haven’t I seen you at work for a week?

I lost a fight with my mother-in-law. I’ve been nursing my battered ego in the woods.

Bearbloke June 23, 2009 at 8:37 am

[re=345042]Godless Liberal[/re]: The vast majority of gay Bears I know avoid the meth – even the beer-swillin’ Redneck Bears in the Appalachians…

Manos: Hands of Fate June 23, 2009 at 8:37 am

If you had to live in Columbia, SC you’d need a little me time too.

Manos: Hands of Fate June 23, 2009 at 8:52 am

I think Sanford is looking to follow in the footsteps of Jules Winnfield and walk the earth like Caine in Kung-Fu.

ph7 June 23, 2009 at 8:54 am

Hiking the Appalachian trail = granola eating, tree hugging Libtard.

Can O Whoopass June 23, 2009 at 9:05 am

He’s in a canoe with a crossbow listening to “Deliverence” on his iPod.

Servo June 23, 2009 at 9:08 am

I give the inbred douchebag credit for doing what I wish I had time to do.

norbizness June 23, 2009 at 9:11 am

My goodness, what an adventuresome reactionary dillweed. He’s like Lewis and Clark… except he’s only one guy, he’s exploring something that’s already been discovered, and the primary purpose of Lewis & Clark’s expedition was not to fuck themselves a squirrel.

norbizness June 23, 2009 at 9:13 am

Regional dialect correction: Jenny Sanford “drinks box after box of Franzia Sunset Blush, downs Sudafed in denim cut-offs, while watching her stories.”

schvitzatura June 23, 2009 at 9:20 am

“If he don’t like the security that SLED gives him in South Carolina, he’s going to absolutely hate the Secret Service if he runs for President. They’ll go in the bathroom with him!

Quote from fellow “wide stance” Republican SC State Senator Jake Knott

guerilla-nation June 23, 2009 at 9:31 am

According to stories this morning, he took time off to “write.” Wasn’t that the excuse Ted Haggard used to give his wife when he snuck off to be a cum-guzzling meth queen?

TGY June 23, 2009 at 9:38 am

We still are not sure where Sanford was, but authorities and Knotts say a cell phone signal was traced to the Atlanta area.

Hookers and blow, indeed. Bejeezus! He’s come to my city! I shall put on my pith helmet (always useful when one needs to take a quick pith) and hunt for him down at the Cheetah strip club.

Mahousu June 23, 2009 at 9:49 am

[re=345047]JadedDIssonance[/re]: As it happens, I just got back from two weeks of hiking in Alaska. And I didn’t have my security detail with me, either. So this sort of thing is pretty common.

FYI, the hiking was spectacular, except for the last couple of days, when the mosquitoes came out in force.

heroinmule June 23, 2009 at 9:50 am

I thought hiking was for the hippies? I guess he’s doing ‘shrooms and drinking PBR and fucking some patchouli-scented peddler of trinkets/jewelry. I blame Nobama.

ThePerfesser June 23, 2009 at 10:10 am

*(Does best Cartman impersonation)*

Ma, Governor Sanford’s in the woods, AND HE WON’T COME OUT!

Fear of a Black Reagan June 23, 2009 at 10:11 am

Sanford? I think he had an emergency meeting with Aunt Esther.

Terry June 23, 2009 at 10:14 am

He must have mistaken I-20 for the Appalachian Trail if he’s in Atlanta. Certainly, that an understandable mistake.

Woodwards Friend June 23, 2009 at 10:15 am

You know if Mark Sanford doesn’t want to be Governor, there are hundreds of perfectly qualified not-insane people who would be happy to take that job.

Oldskool June 23, 2009 at 10:25 am

You just know he’s up there snooping around with a bow and arrow dressed like an Injun acting out his boyhood daydreams. Brought on by stress, of course.

SendLawyersGunsAndMoney June 23, 2009 at 10:32 am

Fucking batshit republicans bust me up.

Snarkfest June 23, 2009 at 10:37 am

Ah Ha! Sanfords out taking in naturz in teh raw.

After causing an uproar, his spokesman finally divulged that Sanford has been hiking the Appalachian Trail. Coincidentally, one of the days he was hiking was also Naked Hiking Day. The annual event is celebrated on the first day of summer.

zenferret June 23, 2009 at 10:37 am

Think about the big picture. Everyone is talking about who in the Republican party is going to run in 2012 against Obama.

In two weeks we’ve had three Republicans that were being pushed to run freak the fuck out. They are each trying to figure out how they can get out of being the sacrificial elephant calf.

Ensign fucks an old chubby lady.

Palin picks a fight with semi-popular talk show host.

Sanford tried by saying no to free money. That wasn’t enough so he plays hide and seek for a week.

Lets see who’s gonna be next.

Will Huckabee eat a live chicken on TV?

Mumbletypeg June 23, 2009 at 10:51 am

Writing; hiking; or why not both? He could be a closeted Blackberry-convert backsliding from techno-euphoria to Ma Nature again, depending which one is found better suited to pursue cuddles and scritches from furries incognito.

Sisters of No Mercy June 23, 2009 at 10:53 am

The accompanying image is cracking me up. Has it been four years?

bureaucrap June 23, 2009 at 11:06 am

He’s in a cabin trying to decide whether he and his boyfriend, the governor of Texas, are going to secede from the Union and start “Civil War II: This time It’s Personal”.

June Cleaver 2.0 June 23, 2009 at 11:23 am

No wonder Huntsman went to China. It’s like leaving town to get away from your trashy, embarrassing kin. Sheesh.

A Better American Than YOU June 23, 2009 at 11:31 am

Lindsay Graham also “likes long walks while listening to banjo music.” It’s something they do in South Carolina.

Red Zeppelin June 23, 2009 at 11:35 am

I don’t know–this sounds a little like the crazy governor character in a Carl Hiassen novel (maybe Skinny Dip)? Should we be outraged that Sanford is plagiarizing middle-brow beach lit?

Human-Animal Hybrid June 23, 2009 at 12:39 pm

What happens on the Appalachian Trail stays on the Appalachian Trail.

J-Man June 23, 2009 at 12:47 pm

[re=345073]TGY[/re]:I think you might have better luck at Swinging Richard’s.

chassuz June 23, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Y’all, SLED is State Law Enforcement Division, and Jakey Knotts is very real. Anywho..

Barrelhse June 23, 2009 at 1:55 pm

[re=344934]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I think it has to do with various liver diseases and viruses, such as Porphyria Cutanea Tarda and HepC.

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