probably bermuda with those other losers

Where The Dickens Is That Rascal Mark Sanford?

Dan Abrams must be worried sick!As the authorities trace his phone calls so as to locate him and his wife “Jenny” drinks bottle after bottle of zinfandel and morphine in sweatpants while watching her programs, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a “2012 presidential hopeful,” is currently getting cover from his staff for his insane disappearance. They’ve been claiming all day that he is fine, but they probably have no fucking clue either. What’s the latest make-believe excuse?

Why doesn’t Mark Sanford just tell people where he is? Perhaps the poor baby is worried that if the public knew he was taking a few days off during difficult budgetary times, it would make him “look bad.” Aww, don’t worry Mark Sanford! You can tell us anything, we’ll understand, and we won’t criticize. Come out with it, young man. We care for your safety!

A representative for Governor Mark Sanford says the governor is hiking the Appalachian trail and taking some time away from the office this week to recharge after the stimulus battle and the last legislative session.

Hiking the Appalachian Trail instead of doing his job? DOESN’T HE KNOW HOW BAD THE ECONOMY IS? AND THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT BUDGETARY TIMES? What a sack of rats! Boo Mark Sanford, Mark Sanford is the worst!

Sanford hiking, not missing [News 2 Charleston]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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106 comments

  1. AnnieGetYourFun

    Um, did he DO anything with the stimulus thingie, or just sit and sulk the whole time? I really don’t know; I’ve been away.

  2. Duvall

    So he goes into the woods, by himself, without telling the Lt. Governor or his wife where he’s going?

    Heckuva plan, Mark.

  3. Hopey dont play that game

    “Hiking the Appalachian trail” is the new “The Aristocrats”. My guess is that he was bound in duct tape with a toothless hooker, two Chinese acrobats, a coffee enema and a canoe paddle. T

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Dear Jenny –

    Afraid the budget battle has taken its toll. Feel fat, haven’t been to the tanning booth in almost a month. But the Lord has blessed me with a sign — in my hour of need, I ran across a page who can suck the skank off of Paris Hilton. Not that he would, ha ha. Anyway, going to Atlanta for some beta-carotene injections, and then Diego and I are going to — um — hike the Appalachian trail for a few days. Up and back, up and back, up and back.

    Love ya,

    Mark

  5. Nerdalicious

    Maybe Rush Limbaugh should disappear on the Appalachian Trail & try to lose 8,000 lbs of stupid.
    Oh, & Sanford? He’s practicing eating bugs for the next “I’m An Ex-Governor Get Me Out Of Here”.

  6. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=344930]SayItWithWookies[/re]: An awful lot of them ARE really orange. Why is that?

  7. CivicHoliday

    he’s training for a spot on Survivor: West Virginia (and hoping he and Blago can form a coalition that will carry them right through to the end)

  8. 2008 Thru-Hiker

    I love the AT and teh wonkette, so I made a login just to talk about this idiot:

    just reading about this. I’m torn…on the one hand, its kind of awesome for some random hikers to meet some random old asshole out in the woods and 3 months later realize that he was the governor of south carolina just stone cold pissing away his political career in the woods. I also am a big fan of people quitting their jobs to go hike the trail, having done it myself and the world would be a better place if newt gingrich et al followed his lead. I’d like to think he can’t hike for shit, but he probably has alot of sweet gear. Though I can guarantee he is carrying at least 20 pounds too much, despite all his talk about “cutting the pork,” I met about 200 old guys like that on my hike.
    On the other hand, I love the AT, and I hate to think of all sorts of republicans reflexively talking about how great is is and somehow trying to taint it with conservative bullshit in an effort to distract from how ridiculous it is go hiking for a week without telling anyone in your family or office. + probably he is actually on a 6 day drunk with buttsehks and various prostitutes really, also.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    [re=344934]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: The best theory I’ve got is that being in the cloet for so long affects their night vision. They make up for it by creating their own incandescent glow. If any closted Republicans would like to confirm or deny this theory, please speak up.

  10. SomeNYGuy

    Aliens? Anal probe?

    Spoiler candidate for President of Iran?

    Gone undercover at Belizean Grove?

  11. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=344937]hockeymom[/re]: Jon didn’t strike me as his type, but that makes as much sense as anything, I guess.

  12. Tolkienista

    Ugh, my governor.

    Dude, hiking the Appalachian trail is for 16-year-olds and kids kicked out of college for rampant drug use. Not for people in charge of disbursing state funds.

  13. somethinstinks

    [re=344921]windupbird[/re]: Yessss! “You got purdy lips, Governor. Now squeal like a pig.”

  14. JMP

    Mrs. Sanford really doesn’t seem to care about her husband’s “disappearance” that much. Have the SC troopers done a thorough search of their basement? Or looked for fresh digging in their yard?

  15. lovekills

    Just another example of family values. Fuck your four kids on fathers day, go “write” something on your mind.

  16. freeatlast

    What a prima donna. He needs some time to lick his wounds after losing the battle to dismantle that grossly overfunded 1st rate S.C. education system. Douche bag.

  17. southpaw

    I’ll call bullshit. Those staffers don’t have the first clue where he is. If they’re not drinking heavily, they fucking should be.

  18. S.Luggo

    Try the Off-Off-Broadway revival of “Gypsy“.
    Word has it that Mark is a show-stopper. Tears are shed.
    Stimulus Funds, also.

  19. Neilist

    You people are not reading carefully enough.

    He’s in rehab for a Rush-bo level Oxycotin addiction.

    “[T]he governor is hiking the Appalachian trail . . . .”

    “Hillbilly Heroin”? Hello? How much plainer do they have to make it?

  20. obfuscator

    [re=344968]Neilist[/re]: [i]“[T]he governor is hiking the Appalachian trail . . . .”[/i]

    [b]You Have Died of Dysentery… Buttsecks, Also.[/b]

  21. S.Luggo

    We seek him here, we seek him there,
    Those Demos seek him everywhere.
    Is he in heaven? — Is he in hell?
    That damned, elusive Governor.

  22. qaf

    You mean no one here’s noticed he’s still Twittering™? How did I get ahead of the news cycle?

  23. El Pinche

    He’s taking a nice long smoke break after fucking his state Deliverance-style, It’s a hard job fucking each and everyone of his constituents out of their stimulus money.

    He deserves some privacy and serenity you heartless bastards!

  24. biznesskommunity

    The story of Gov. Sanford’s whereabouts having to be tracked through his cell-phone usage is obviously not worthy of comment by respectable blogs. Unlike Yglesias’ posting of Chariman Steele’s radio show, huh Jim Newell?

  25. Scooter

    Well if by “hiking” you mean “fucking”, and by “Appalachian” you mean “hillbilly”, and if by “trail” you mean “whores”, then Sanford’s story is completely plausible!!

  26. answerbird

    I’m not expert in geography but Alanta is no where near the Applachian trial. Man all the dude had to do was stay someone with cell reception and this would not be a news story. There ain’t no way he is going to be able to spin this.

  27. S.Luggo

    Where the Dickens?
    Marshalsea.

    [re=344975]qaf[/re]: The Ukraine has a G3 system. Incipient, but North Korea, also.

  28. S.Luggo

    [re=344979]biznesskommunity[/re]: “The story of Gov. Sanford’s whereabouts having to be tracked through his cell-phone usage is obviously not worthy of comment by respectable blogs.” So true. Let’s leave this to Heritage Foundation.

  29. Youstonedorjuststupid?

    I have a feeling that this little story is gonna end in a single gunshot or a blowjob.

  30. Adolf Bachmann

    He’s summering in Alaska, protecting gubernatorial whelp Willow Palin’s anal virginity from rapacious “cock” show hosts like Bonin O’Cryin & Gayvid Leatherman.

  31. glamourdammerung

    This whole thing is just really odd.

    Though I agree with the commenters about their being another penis involved.

  32. GaySailor

    God, please don’t let this involve any Republican behavior that includes diapers, paying your mistresses kids for the privilege of screwing their mom, foot tapping, bestiality, gay meth whores or snuff films or any other sick twisted deviant hypocritical Republican “Promise Keeper” Talibangelical Christian behavior!

    Please, God! America has had just about enough freakishly weird sick shit from Republicans to last several generations. Make it stop!

  33. Mike Steele

    Everyone, please stop overreacting. It so happens I was on the Appalachian Trial yesterday, and I ran into my friend, Governor Sanford. He looked fine, but appeared to be hungry. I offered him some free money to get something to eat. Surprisingly he refused. I said “Look I’m giving the money to you anyway.” He got really mad then, so I left out of there. He is a little odd.

  34. dr.giraud

    Mrs. Sanford should start a koffee klatch with Nooners. She’ll bring the zinfandel and morphine; Peggy will bring the cough syrup and Scotch.

  35. Bruno

    He’s gone Gault of course. May we forever be denied his political expertise while we whither away in sweet sweet stimulus.

  36. Kev-O-Tron

    Guys, relax. Everyone’s totally worried that he’s NOT doing gay sex with slutty people. Don’t worry cause we’ve been together the entire time. Here’s the dirt: he likes to do it while watching the miniseries Roots. weird.

  37. NYNYNY

    “Hello, Withers, give me Governor Sanford”
    “I’m sorry Mr. Burbank, but the Governor is…erm…’Hiking the Appalation Trail’”
    “Oh, I see. I SEE”
    “I’m sorry, certainly no one can speak to him for a week.
    “Oh Yes, I see, entirely.”

  38. NYNYNY

    [re=344984]answerbird[/re]: There’s nothing to spin. He was sick of being Governor of South Crappalatia, so he walked out.

  39. Gallowglass

    That’s actually a pretty awesome excuse, since the trail runs from Georgia to Maine and takes something like 6-8 months to do the whole thing. He could be “hiking” (‘ludes and shower sex with migrant workers) for the rest of his term. Not that that’s a bad thing.

  40. hobospacejunkie

    [re=344972]obfuscator[/re]: Try carets instead of brackets.

    [re=345006]GaySailor[/re]: Get hold of yourself, man. Of course we want more of all of which you speak. Now and forever more.

    [re=345005]wickedlittledoll[/re]: Are you trying to get executed?

    Also, for future reference, don’t eat/drink morphine or heroin. You lose about 85% of its effectiveness that way. Or so I heard somewhere. Just trying to save you folks money and make sure your pain management needs are met. Or exceeded.

  41. bago

    I’m going to “Take a Sanford”. This means I will ignore your stimulus while “hiking your Appalachian Trail”.

  42. Unlearned Hand

    Remember that whacko Eric Rudolph? The one who shot up those abortion clinics? And how he hid out in the Appalachians for several years?

    I’m not saying Sanford is an extreme right-wing terrorist. I’m just strongly suggesting it by making an apposite comparison, while frantically calling the Southern Poverty Law Center and BATF.

  43. Hunger Tallest Palin

    “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” is the ecologically sensitive alternative to “Driving the Hershey Highway.” Who sez Repubs don’t care about the environment!

  44. arewethereyet

    [re=344926]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: i’ll be trying to get my mind around that scenerio all day!

  45. JadedDIssonance

    I wake up early on a tuesday, NPR in Chicago is pulling another pledge drive, Kate and Jon are Breaking Up, My Twitter is broke and now some governor-fuckup is trying to hike the a/t?

    I hope he failed to file plans with the Rangers, left by himself and gets lost in a dense fog.

  46. JadedDIssonance

    [re=345038]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Please point out that you do not care for Jon and Kate, it was just a list of calamitous happenstance du jour.

  47. Hunger Tallest Palin

    [re=345038]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Lost in a dense fog describes 99.9% of the GOP at any given time.

  48. Mahousu

    [re=345039]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Today, we are all Jon and Kate.

    Hiking the Appalachian Trail of our minds.

    Naked.

  49. Godless Liberal

    I suppose it is too much to hope for him to be butt-raped by a gay bear on meth or something, which happens frequently on the Appalachian Trail.

  50. dijetlo

    It’s easy enough to find out, if he spent the last week on the AT he’s covered in poison Ivy and ticks…well maybe not the ticks, he is a republican after all and I’m assuming even ticks have standards.

  51. JadedDIssonance

    [re=345041]Mahousu[/re]: I did a 3 day 75 mile hike on the a/t when I was in high school with a few friends. I’ve always wanted to through-hike the a/t, but I’ve never been petulant enough to simply disappear to do so.

    He’s definitely a public figure to look up to and emulate.

    Why haven’t I seen you at work for a week?

    I lost a fight with my mother-in-law. I’ve been nursing my battered ego in the woods.

  52. Bearbloke

    [re=345042]Godless Liberal[/re]: The vast majority of gay Bears I know avoid the meth – even the beer-swillin’ Redneck Bears in the Appalachians…

  53. Manos: Hands of Fate

    I think Sanford is looking to follow in the footsteps of Jules Winnfield and walk the earth like Caine in Kung-Fu.

  54. norbizness

    My goodness, what an adventuresome reactionary dillweed. He’s like Lewis and Clark… except he’s only one guy, he’s exploring something that’s already been discovered, and the primary purpose of Lewis & Clark’s expedition was not to fuck themselves a squirrel.

  55. norbizness

    Regional dialect correction: Jenny Sanford “drinks box after box of Franzia Sunset Blush, downs Sudafed in denim cut-offs, while watching her stories.”

  56. guerilla-nation

    According to stories this morning, he took time off to “write.” Wasn’t that the excuse Ted Haggard used to give his wife when he snuck off to be a cum-guzzling meth queen?

  57. TGY

    We still are not sure where Sanford was, but authorities and Knotts say a cell phone signal was traced to the Atlanta area.

    Hookers and blow, indeed. Bejeezus! He’s come to my city! I shall put on my pith helmet (always useful when one needs to take a quick pith) and hunt for him down at the Cheetah strip club.

  58. Mahousu

    [re=345047]JadedDIssonance[/re]: As it happens, I just got back from two weeks of hiking in Alaska. And I didn’t have my security detail with me, either. So this sort of thing is pretty common.

    FYI, the hiking was spectacular, except for the last couple of days, when the mosquitoes came out in force.

  59. heroinmule

    I thought hiking was for the hippies? I guess he’s doing ‘shrooms and drinking PBR and fucking some patchouli-scented peddler of trinkets/jewelry. I blame Nobama.

  60. ThePerfesser

    *(Does best Cartman impersonation)*

    Ma, Governor Sanford’s in the woods, AND HE WON’T COME OUT!

  61. Terry

    He must have mistaken I-20 for the Appalachian Trail if he’s in Atlanta. Certainly, that an understandable mistake.

  62. Woodwards Friend

    You know if Mark Sanford doesn’t want to be Governor, there are hundreds of perfectly qualified not-insane people who would be happy to take that job.

  63. Oldskool

    You just know he’s up there snooping around with a bow and arrow dressed like an Injun acting out his boyhood daydreams. Brought on by stress, of course.

  64. Snarkfest

    Ah Ha! Sanfords out taking in naturz in teh raw.

    After causing an uproar, his spokesman finally divulged that Sanford has been hiking the Appalachian Trail. Coincidentally, one of the days he was hiking was also Naked Hiking Day. The annual event is celebrated on the first day of summer.

  65. zenferret

    Think about the big picture. Everyone is talking about who in the Republican party is going to run in 2012 against Obama.

    In two weeks we’ve had three Republicans that were being pushed to run freak the fuck out. They are each trying to figure out how they can get out of being the sacrificial elephant calf.

    Ensign fucks an old chubby lady.

    Palin picks a fight with semi-popular talk show host.

    Sanford tried by saying no to free money. That wasn’t enough so he plays hide and seek for a week.

    Lets see who’s gonna be next.

    Will Huckabee eat a live chicken on TV?

  66. Mumbletypeg

    Writing; hiking; or why not both? He could be a closeted Blackberry-convert backsliding from techno-euphoria to Ma Nature again, depending which one is found better suited to pursue cuddles and scritches from furries incognito.

  67. bureaucrap

    He’s in a cabin trying to decide whether he and his boyfriend, the governor of Texas, are going to secede from the Union and start “Civil War II: This time It’s Personal”.

  68. June Cleaver 2.0

    No wonder Huntsman went to China. It’s like leaving town to get away from your trashy, embarrassing kin. Sheesh.

  69. A Better American Than YOU

    Lindsay Graham also “likes long walks while listening to banjo music.” It’s something they do in South Carolina.

  70. Red Zeppelin

    I don’t know–this sounds a little like the crazy governor character in a Carl Hiassen novel (maybe Skinny Dip)? Should we be outraged that Sanford is plagiarizing middle-brow beach lit?

  71. chassuz

    Y’all, SLED is State Law Enforcement Division, and Jakey Knotts is very real. Anywho..

  72. Barrelhse

    [re=344934]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I think it has to do with various liver diseases and viruses, such as Porphyria Cutanea Tarda and HepC.

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