THE GREAT 'REAL AMERICAN' PASTIME  12:03 pm June 21, 2009

SUNDAY SPECIAL: Stupid Pictures From Last Week’s Most Important Congressional Baseball Game Ever

by Jim Newell

You didn’t think we’d forgotten the baseball post, did you? Never! Our full coverage of last week’s annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game was always destined to come on Sunday, because Sunday is a day for watching baseball after Church. This was always the plan. Always. Always time infinity. (Lies.) So let’s take a photo tour of Republicans vs. Democrats playing a sport, terribly, in their tights (YES, THAT MEANS JOE BARTON) at Nationals Stadium. Up top: escaped Uighurs from New Jersey sneak into the field!

There weren’t too many Wonkette Characters playing roles, because Wonkette Characters are fat and hate fun. That didn’t stop Texas’ smart science scientist Joe Barton from playing though! (Just kidding, he was only the manager.) That’s Opossum Joe farthest to the left, cheering on #11 Phil Gingrey, who only got Rush Limbaugh to sign his permission slip to play at the very last minute.

Joe Barton: no ass. Would it help or hinder his team?

Smart hero baller Eric Cantor was there, oh boy. He mostly meandered by the vendors eating junk food. He had no interest in watching this sports battle and only came because his staffers told him it was a Britney Spears concert. He had several terrifying security men surrounding him (who does he think he is, John Boehner or someone else important?), which is our excuse for the camera’s unsteadiness, or at least the one we’re running with.

The stadium was split into sides, for Democrats and Republicans. We sat on the Republican side hoping to eavesdrop on conversations and pick up hilarious racism. Unfortunately the ONLY black people on that side (maybe) were in a group sitting directly next to us. We hoped the two black people would take a bathroom break together or something, in Solidarity, allowing their white friends to tell the hot new n***** jokes for a few minutes. Never happened, although they did say at one point, “Did you read about that Liz person’s emails??”

Later, we would find out that this group was sitting on the wrong side.

Hey, you’re not the “real” Duncan Hunter at all! You’re probably his son and we could just take three seconds to google that and get “information,” but we’re not going to, and that’s your fault for not adding a “junior” or whatever to your name.

A hobbit, everyone! Does the hobbit know the rules? (That is actually freshman Democratic Rep. Frank Kratovil of Maryland.) No one ever called security to get the hobbit off the field, either. We just *allow* these threatening monsters to play along now, in our liberal dungaree-wearing society.

Joe Barton makes a pitching change, or at least goes to “calm down” whichever loser was on the Hill. He took it very seriously, much like he does the destruction of the Earth from high temperature in like 20 years.

(Oh, if you were interested in who won this clown battle, it was 15-10 Democrats, their first win in eight years, which is symbolic and junk. Now, back to the nonsense.)

Intern Riley chases after orange mascot John Boehner, who had just turned down a photo request with him, like a penis. And since this is the closest thing to a “crowd shot” we have, let’s talk attendance. Just by looking, your editor determined it to be around 2,500. Intern Riley was adamant that the figure was closer to 1,500 so we fired him. Either way it was more than all Nationals games this season, combined.

Here’s the Democratic side of things. Which famous Democrats played, you ask. Anthony Weiner and failed former Washington professional athlete Heath Shuler, is the best we can offer. Neat.

THE DEMOCRATS WERE SO INTO IT, on the Democratic side! This made them infinitely more annoying than the Republicans, who were just trying to get through the day, as usual. Not even joking, these Dem staffers broke into MANY loud, smug group chants of “Yes We Can,” when they weren’t heckling “EAAAARRRRMAAARRRKS” instead. Jesus.

Intern Riley was about ten-sheets-to-the-wind by the sixth inning and was determined to get anyone to autograph his Oscar Wilde action figure box. (Not making up absurdities here, either.) The Dems were too busy “celebrating” though. But who cares — why waste a great comedic autograph opportunity on Frank Kratovil or some other bore? There will be other Wonkette crashes, later, with wackier frauds, in wackier times…

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Hola wonkerados.

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TheReallyImportantLawyer June 21, 2009 at 12:08 pm

1st to say who cares and Lez Becton still sucks.

-The really important lawyer

Serolf Divad June 21, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Why can’t it be the annual Congressional Roller Derby game? I’d pay to see that.

x111e7thst June 21, 2009 at 12:54 pm

@Jim Newell: I fire some member of my staff almost daily. They usually ignore me and keep doing whatever it is they do. Sometimes however they gather in groups of 2 and 3 to mock and revile me.
Is Intern Riley doing the latter yet?

AxmxZ June 21, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Democrats won because “Yes We Can” is much more uplifting to chant than “Macaca Show us Your Birth Certificate, Also!”

dennymcden June 21, 2009 at 1:09 pm

I think if Riley wants to get close to Republican congressman, he should take off the pink sweater. In fact, he should probably take off just about everything except for the assless chaps.

windupbird June 21, 2009 at 1:12 pm

15-10?! Nothing to brag about if both teams were giving up touchdowns. A win is a win, I guess.

Min June 21, 2009 at 1:28 pm

It’s sad that the economy is so bad that they couldn’t spring for matching uniforms.

dijetlo June 21, 2009 at 1:31 pm

First they get Auschwized by Demoncrats in the House of our new liberal overlords, then humiliated before their Orange god on the baseball field. If they weren’t a pack of corrupt thieving nitwits, I’d probably feel sorry for them.

Servo June 21, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Fuck baseball! Let ‘em put on the blades and have a good ol’ fashioned face-in-the-boards hockey game! Baseball is for whiney, millionaire, womanizing coke-freaks who…oh, wait.
Joe Barton certainly gives “pitcher’s mound” a whole new meaning.

Ken Layne June 21, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=344001]TheReallyImportantLawyer[/re]: Hmm that’s not a very entertaining comment at all, is it? And you, uh, signed your commenter nickname to an illiterate one-sentence comment, directly beneath your commenter nickname. But at least you were “first,” even if you couldn’t be bothered to spell it out. And now, whoever you are, you’re the first to be banned on a Sunday.

19kevin8 June 21, 2009 at 2:28 pm

So when is congressional Rock Band night?

drrty martini June 21, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Boehner looks afraid, almost. Did he catch a whiff of a WARBLOGGER. The Orange One can’t run forever.

Youstonedorjuststupid? June 21, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Ken, is your avatar some kinda Cat/Pope sooper hero? The morning doob has my stoner sense tingling so I’m really into detail atm.

Ya know it’s good I live nowhere near D.C. and couldn’t be at this game, because me in close proximity of baseball bats and so many prominent GOP fuck-o’s would not be good, Secret Squirrels or no Secret Squirrels.

Blender June 21, 2009 at 2:44 pm

Woah, back up a minute to that shot of Boehner fleeing in mortal terror before our intrepid intern… is that eye contact between him and that female ballcapped vision of femalehood? Are they *smiling* at each other?

imissopus June 21, 2009 at 2:47 pm

[re=344018]Min[/re]: Eh, they are wearing uniforms/t-shirts of teams in their hometowns. Some are from high schools in their districts, some are from the pros, some from local minor league teams. For instance, the freshman Dem of Virginia’s 2nd District of Norfolk/Virginia Beach wore a Norfolk Tides shirt (Tides are the Orioles’ AAA team.) I only mention this ’cause that’s my hometown and I have always wanted an excuse to plug the Tides on Wonkette.

Texan Bulldoggette June 21, 2009 at 2:51 pm

[re=344022]Servo[/re]: I say cupless football. That’ll separate the whiny girly boys from the men.

imissopus June 21, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Next year, I say lingerie football. Or as the Republican caucus might call it, Tuesday.

El Pinche June 21, 2009 at 2:54 pm

BTW , I’m not a virgin.

El Pinche June 21, 2009 at 3:03 pm

The should have played it skins versus shirts. But the for the love of crist, the dems should ALWAYS be skins. Boner’s natural leathery vermillion tone would have worked out great.

HuddledMass June 21, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=344029]Youstonedorjuststupid?[/re]: Isn’t avatar-Ken like the Head of the Spanish Inquisition or something, only fuzzy?

Which is why getting banned on Wonkette is just like being hunted down, jailed for withcraft, tortured and burned alive (by Hoekstra reasoning)

Cranky Old Batt June 21, 2009 at 4:31 pm

Why does the thought of a banning make me all tingly down there?

PerhapsSo June 21, 2009 at 4:47 pm

If it was an Oscar Wilde action figure, shouldn’t he have been handing people lipstick and asking them to leave a nice big lipmark on it? That’s what they do in Pere Lachaise.

chascates June 21, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Do all the players wear different uniforms? I get confused enough when the two teams wear their standard attire. And Riley really should have worn his top hat. George Will would certainly have approved and a return to civility might ensue.

Bruno June 21, 2009 at 5:26 pm

1) No Furries??! No Cheerleaders??!

2) Any chants of “That’s all right, that’s OK, you’ll be working for us someday”?
(a personal favorite of mine from a specific elitist university I attended)

Bruno June 21, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=344072]chascates[/re]: Agreed. I have a very short attention span, especially after all the primo smoking today. If Riley is not wearing a top hat, I’m very confused.

You would think of all the government spending/wastage the least they could do is show up in matching uniforms. I’m debating if a velvet uniform is better, or a hypersynthetic bowling uniform would be better…

Nigerian Business Executive June 21, 2009 at 5:32 pm

Pink sweater? Oscar Wilde action figure? Magnificent, regal nose (I hear that is an indication of something or other)? Whimsical, surreal sense of humour? I may be falling in love with Riley (in an unrealistic and totally non-creepy, non-stalkerish way).

Bruno June 21, 2009 at 5:43 pm

[re=344024]Ken Layne[/re]: Please, I beg of you, do not ban Zhu Bajie for signing below all his comments. They are some of the the best. That alone should not be a hanging offence. For him(?) its just a stylistic thing

AKAM80TheWolf June 21, 2009 at 6:24 pm

Please tell me that an at-bat Dem ‘accidentally’ lost grip of the bat and flung it into the stands where it hit Cantor in the snatch. Please.

octupletsmom June 21, 2009 at 7:15 pm


More pictures of Intern Riley. I am surprised that Intern Riley didn’t need bodyguards to protect him on the Republican side. If you know what I mean.

octupletsmom June 21, 2009 at 7:16 pm

Decades and decades ago, Joe Barton was my congressman. Do you have to remind me? Ewwww!

saggyboobedhag June 21, 2009 at 8:06 pm

No photos of Congresspeople scratching their crotches?

SlipperyDick June 21, 2009 at 8:09 pm

We are all hero ballers now.

hobospacejunkie June 21, 2009 at 9:28 pm

[re=344029]Youstonedorjuststupid?[/re]: Ken’s avatar represents his status as Bishop of Wonkette and as such is the leader of the worldwide Wonkette Church. Ken is Pope Cat and Pope Cat is Ken.

In the comments section, Pope Cat’s claims of Wonkette authority have been ever more clearly expressed, culminating in the proclamation of the dogma of Pope Cat infallibility for those rare occasions Pope Cat speaks ex wonketta (literally “from the chair (of Wonkette)”) when issuing a solemn proclamation or wielding the banhammer.

chascates June 21, 2009 at 10:56 pm

[re=344114]hobospacejunkie[/re]: As it was written (online):
Pope Cat. True, ‘dat.

meyotch June 22, 2009 at 7:48 am

[re=344079]Bruno[/re]: I wonder if the ed is worried that Wonkette is going to go all 4chan, hence the summary banxecution of whatshisname. 1st post is a sort of idiocy that is far beneath the stately dignity I’ve become used to here. might as well wear jeans to a barbecue, as I always say. Or a baseball game, in an attempt to remain somewhere near topic.

Wait, I have an on-topic comment. Speaking as a person whose earliest erotic fixations were athletes, no baseball player has ever given me a bohner.

Bruno June 22, 2009 at 9:35 am

[re=344106]saggyboobedhag[/re]: I am also curious if they decided to put a little Skol between their cheek & gums.

jetjaguar June 22, 2009 at 9:39 am


PeteJayhawk v2.0 June 22, 2009 at 11:10 am

[re=344114]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Misappropriation of the Pope Cat avatar is also grounds for bannination, if Old Wonkette rules still apply.

Trace June 22, 2009 at 11:59 am

Ok, look, it’s cute that you’re wearing a jersey at a baseball game, but don’t wear flip-flops, you friggin’ hippy tard! What is that? Why do that? Do you realize how that looks? It’s like watching a mermaid eat fish sticks. It’s stupid and it kind of offends me and turns me on and THAT ALSO OFFENDS ME.

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