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In the hot new National Review dime-store porno, steamy scenes of Jonah Goldberg getting reamed on an oil rig, Ramesh Ponnuru fondling his inflatable Reagan doll, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad checkin’ it all out through the peep-hole. Is this why David Frum left? Did they make him do things? [National Review]
4:32 PM
on Fri June 19 2009
By
Jim Newell
1821 Views
Wonkette
He will single-handedly keep that Krusty Burger in business.
You know what they say about the size of an Iranian president’s nose…
God, if there ever was a cultural icon that represented conservative thought it’s this cover of the NR. Quick let’s throw it into a time capsule for the aliens to find.
Haha. I’m not clicking that link, because it sucks. Nice try, Newell.
He had to go out to sea to escape K-Lo?
Jonah Goldberg on an oil platform where men are…you know…working?
I thought that he was allergic?
they really didn’t hold back on ahmadinejad’s schnozz, did they?
The term is RIMMED, Jimbo.
krooskie: ,or, “ahmadinejad is secretly joe camel”
magic titty: You’re safe — you can’t read any of the articles unless you’re a subscriber. Which is a pity, because I wanted to see Jonah Goldberg in a crowd of roughnecks. Right before they shoved his ass off the platform.
His nose is like a penis .. and it’s placed where the reader must fondle it while reading.
The mouthpiece of conservative thought has: a story about oil rigs, an essay about Reagan, and turmoil in Iraq. Are they just reprinting issues from the eighties? What a bunch of fat, lazy…oh.
one glance at the cover and i messed my pants. but i was raised a texan, and a shot like that is pure hard-core porn. keep it coming, love…
Why do Repubs always choose the most unfortunate words and phrases that set them up for being lampooned and laughed at? I guess it’s the anything-for-attention syndrome.
“Oil platform”, huh? Well at least we now know J-Go’s nickname for K-Lo’s ass, and that he finds drilling it beautiful.
Not exactly news, but still…
SayItWithWookies: True, but you can read the teaser opening paragraph, which I did and now regret because my blood pressure and bullshit detector are nearly through the roof.
More emergency toilet paper.
THE REAL REAGAN? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
BlueStateLibtard:
It’s because they’re either stupid or love the Freudian slip.
Stupid Con Choices (Canada City Division late 90s)
The local RW party wanted to rename themselves and one of the leading contenders was:
Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance Party… Yes, the CCRAP.
slappypaddy: Careful: Ceiling Mahmoud is watching you masturbate.
What, Intern Riley doesn’t read the magazines for Wonkette?
This title just confirms what we’ve long suspected, Jonah’s a bottom.
bitchincamaro: There’s also an article in there about the dangers (?!) of underwear with communist symbols on it. On the big issues, conservatives are just boorishly predictable — but they reach a real pinnacle of idiocy when they start making up issues to moralize about. It’s like candy for me, and I’m frankly sorta piqued.
“Review”? Fuck. All these years I thought I was still reading the “National Lampoon”.
Sure, if it’s a ‘cowboy’ Ronald Reagan doll. That wouldn’t be too bad; pinup dudes from the 40’s and 50’s did have a certain sexy quality to them, amirite? But my guess is that, since Ronnie was a demoRAT way back then, this would certainly have to be the ‘governor’ Ronald Reagan doll at minimum….how much air would be required to inflate that so to be suitable for fondling?
I have no words.
I really thought you were kidding about this, but I see it’s real.
I just–
no.
Also:
HAS JONAH GOLDBERG EVER DONE MANUAL LABOR
The answer is no. Jonah digs blonds. Owen Wilson, call him!
With any luck, Jonah will get stuck there forever.
slappypaddy: Yeah, well I was raised Catholic. But I smartened up.
econdave: Where are the friggin’ Somali pirates when you need ‘em.
“The Beauty of Drilling Jonah Goldberg, With a Well Placed Fastball”
Fixed.
So do they provide any clues where they’re keeping Reagan’s frozen corpse?
Most of the riggers I knew wouldn’t waste their time talking to a walking infected pustule like Jo-Glo. Hoisting his lard ass to the top of the derrick in the middle of a hurricane… now that’s a different story.
19kevin8: …or better yet, a DeWalt with a 3/4 inch bit. Trepanning anyone?
user-of-owls: Or Cheney’s dick, with Liz pushing… Cheney or Becton, doesn’t matter which.
user-of-owls: That would likely leave him looking quite deflated.
No, no, no guys. The article was written by K-Lo, and the subject was the beauty of drilling Jonah Goldberg from an oil platform. See, she kinda dangles him over the edge while she gets the job done. Apparently K-Lo has a pretty good sense of balance, and lots and lots of bungee cords.
I assume next months cover story will be “We Dig Up William F. Buckley and Rape His Body.” Since they are doing it figuratively, I assume they will do it literally eventually.
chascates: With Reagan, you know at least half of that is correct.
Come here a minute: There are work safety laws.
Cicada: I just KNEW he was a bottom.
Well, at least now we know K-Lo left because J-Go was to busy “Drill-Baby-Drill”ing with men on an oil platform. It must have broken the thing she calls a heart.
IceCreamEmpress: However, J-Go has done a guy named Manuel, who was a laborer.
Sacanagem: No, but they do discuss how modern Conservative Intellectuals model themselves after Reagan in his later years.
I was kinda hoping this was the story: Jonah got hit in the head with a big section of pipe, and then, from his hospital bed, told K-Lo he would only get better if she went out and did freaky shit with total strangers.
Ha Ha. They misspelled their own name. “Nationa Review.”
Wouldn’t the guys on the rig be afraid that Jonah’s weight would tip the whole thing over?
Being drilled is not the same as being bored.
I’m bored!
Just another dirty bore!
The world’s not running out of coal either and we, sure as hell, can use some more sulphur dioxide in the air.
It smells like a republican’s wet dream.
Drill Baby Drill…a whole new meaning.
does the Low-Fat Reagan taste the same as the Real Reagan? gotta watch the ‘ol waistline…
Don’t know how much there’ll be to the article about the “Real Reagan” as unless I’m wrong, the real Reagan is dead
Hooray For Anything: Yes, but think, all those worms in his brain have increased his IQ…..
Just sayin’.
Jukesgrrl: As Herman Melville wrote: not to escape, but capture.
Fossil Future, McCain’s next campaign motto.
Let’s be honest - an offshore platform was pretty much the only place we were going to fit Jonah…
bitchincamaro: Go to the other thread and look at Bo “Hussein” Obama. He will bring down your blood pressure. Such a cutey!
That reeeeeaaaaly made me laugh out loud. I coughed. I never do that for conservative magazine headlines. Wow, someone really hates them. But are Republicans reeeeallly that clueless about obvious sexual innuendos and double entendres? Is that how they end up naming there initiatives things like NOM, teabagging, and santorum (well, that last one was us). I mean, they’ve got their share of Mark Foleys; can’t the perverted ones explain the joke to the dumb ones?
NoWireHangers: Whoops, THEIR! My pet peeve too. Must be the medication.
I CAN HAS TSUNAMI?
If you want national security, then you must exploit. This was a panicked Japanese government’s idea when it invaded Manchuria to reap it‘s energy wealth. Seems a concept somehow contemporary if, ignoring the word “Japanese”, one substitutes the word “Manchuria” with “the natural environment”. Thank you, John McCain, for reviving this refreshing notion.
Yupper. Excluding from the equation the fickleness of Russia, Iran, and Venezuela, the instability in Iraqistan, Ecuador, Mexico and Nigeria and the dwindling oil fields in Saudi Arabia and off the coast of Scotland, there’s mucho mucho oil, just perhaps not for us. That’s because we must bid against China, India, Indonesia, Japan, and the EU. So let’s not migrate to alternative energy, Jonah. No need to plan ahead. Just shut our eyes as we drill, drill, drill for limited oil resources off-shore.
Sorry, but as a crazy-ass Liberal in the oil business, I gotta tell ya, it’s over, boys and girls. Most of the oil that is going to be found has been found and recovering much of what is left in the ground, such as oil shale, costs more in energy expended than energy produced. I especially enjoyed studying the Soviet era government’s efforts at secondary recovery using nuclear devices exploded within producing strata. And, by the way, most of the uranium deposits have been played out at current recovery values, so you’re fucked there as well. So, go Dutch and build a windmill is my advice, but what do I know? I know I like that aged Edam cheese, Heineken on tap and fresh herrings you can dip into your own pie hole and bite off as if it was some Republican Senator’s weinie. Jus’ sayin.’ Also.
Zorg: What do you think of that oil-sand stuff going on in the Northwest Territories (or is it Alberta?)? I saw a National Geographic article about that a little while ago, and the place looked like Mordor — pits of toxic runoff as far as the eye could see. That’s pretty much the future, right?
Zorg:
Yes, tell us about the oil-sands. Keep the thread going for us easterners (the real ones in the East, donchaknow)
“HAS JONAH GOLDBERG EVER DONE MANUAL LABOR?”
Does wanking like a lonely Bonobo count? No?
Then no.
NoWireHangers: Don’t forget NOM’s 2M4M. And it’s intentional. Your average neo-con endeavor is funded by guys who live in deepest darkest Closetstan.
Did he get dirt on his fingers? Probably it’d be the first time.
Zhu Bajie
I thought the strategy was to run out of oil LAST, not first.
I didn’t know Ahmedinejad was a jew…
A friend points out that this Economist cover is still better: http://tinyurl.com/ltgpxv
If the oil rig is in international waters, does that mean *anything* goes?
’cause I start growing my own and gay marry like 5 guys at the same time.