Wonkette
HMM MAYBE DON’T EAT RAW COOKIE DOUGH YOU FAT PATHETIC SLOBS: Nestle is “voluntarily recalling” its best-selling “Fatty Fatso Cookie Dough Tubes” because the government says people are probably getting the E coli because Americans are so fucking disgusting they are just squeezing these foul, raw, cold grease poops right into their mouths. [ABC News]
Wait, I was supposed to be refrigerating them?
I just keep a few in the glove box of my car — you know, for trips longer than 10 minutes.
What the hell?
How about raw Cookie Dough enemas? Are they safe?
Is that a pic of Rushbo in the post-OxyContin years? ‘Cuz, damn, he’d need a pair of industrial strength bungee cords to hoist up those moobs.
Can’t people just do what normal people (eg., me) do, which is to make cookie dough and then eat half of it before you make any actual cookies? America sucks.
WTF? I thought you could spread it on toast…
Alt-text win!
German cookie-dough porn?
So what, are they gonna start recalling all of the products that I rely on to tell me all about myself? Because without my “By God, but You are Behaving Like a Dumb Bitch” chocolate covered bacon bits or my “Where is Your Fuckin’ Dignity” pepperoni flavored gummies I will be at a real loss.
I enjoy a nice log of cookie dough after my workout and you don’t see me complaining of massive abdominal cramps and dehydration. Fuck you, Nestle. You can’t tell me what bacteria are safe or unsafe to put into my body. Only God can tell me that!
Everyone knows elves don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. That’s why we need to CLOSE TEH BORDERS TO ELFIN IMMAGRINTS!
What is that man going to do, now that Telebrands has decided not to distribute the Comfort Wipe®?
Eating tubes of raw cookie dough is the shizz-nizzle. It would be nice if they made them without e-coli, though.
Now I have to rush to the store to beat the recall. God damnit.
Ken, Did I give you permission to use my photo above?
My lawyer will be calling. Soon rolling in dough, etc, etc,
But, think of the convenience for all the bulimics out there! Instead of having to toss your cookies after stuffing your face with raw dough, you can just shit it out!
Raw cookie dough always completes a meal from KFC. I’m always unsure of what wine goes well with this combo.
E. coli is loose? Don’t worry, it’s just an ancestor of Michelle Obama’s — probably harmless.
You know what else C is for? Crazy. You what what Crazy is for? Michelle Bachmann. You know what Michelle Bachmann is for? Not filling out the census, because (honestly) the ACORNs will get their hands on it and finally discover that the Bachmann family is CAUCASIAN!
Oh, and um, it’s basically a wash on the Laurie Anderson “What’s more disgusting? Cookie turd tubes or e-coli?” front.
Ken, do we really have to watch you blog?
Larry Fine: I’d suggest a nice Lardonnay.
Larry Fine: I already mentioned this in another thread, but it applies here as well: iced white zinfandel spritzer.
Freedom Tubes.
A simple warning label would curb the E coli:
In the ass - wrapper on
In the mouth - wrapper off
Next you’ll be telling me we have to cook seal hearts.
this is how the terrorists will win: poison our cookie dough, canned icing, spray cheeze, and 2500-calorie appetizers from Applebee’s. Actually, if America just keeps eating this stuff, unpoisoned, everyone will be too fat to function anyway, and then the terrorists will just move in.
Oh come on everyone loves a nice, fresh squeezed tube of cookie dough. What are you, Ken? A Nazi?
Larry Fine:
Mad Dog 20 20. Wine of the Century!
sezme: just switch to spotted owl breast.
God dammit! I got sick on rancid cookie dough because my Zycam destroyed my sense of smell. My suggestion to those people who make this dangerous snack is to engineer a process in which the product turns bright blue once it turns bad. That way, the odor-challenged among us can eat safely.
They’ll take my cookie dough only after they take my guns and my Hummer.
tootsieroll: I’d say this is a feature, not a bug. The diarrhea and vomitting really help with the purging after the binge.
SayItWithWookies: Uhh, maybe it’s my screen but you look green. Did you mate with Canuckledragger?
Word. All you gross fat people and your nasty sweets. Why can’t you make yourselves obese with fried pork and alcohol, the way I do?
Larry Fine: Boone’s Farm?
Lazy Media: Parlay your nasty if you’d like-with Bacon flavored vodka. http://www.geekologie.com/2009/04/crossing_the_line_bacon_flavor.php
nappyduggs: That’s the wine to match with pork rinds.
Don Juanquete: Do not adjust your set. My avatar is now a postage-stamp sized oasis of freedom.
I never really got the eating raw cookie dough thing; sure it’s sweet, and yes, it can be eaten.
But what the hell, 20 minutes is too long to wait for a vastly superior gastronomic experience? (Actual fresh-baked cookies I can understand getting fat on.)
Monsieur Grumpe: Thunderbird-The kickin’ Chicken!
After you ingest fifteen thousand calories in a single sitting the paint thinner effect of Thunderbird comes in handy for loosening clogs in your arteries and of course killing any E-Coli it meets on it’s way. You may experience the overwhelming desire run naked through the streets cause really, who needs clothes, but you should probably resist that since they don’t serve Thunderbird or cookie dough in any but the finest correctional facilities.
Larry Fine: Warm Franzia rose. Or Thunderbird, in a pinch.
dijetlo: Dammit, you beat me to it. Fine. Cold Duck it is.
As a child, I loved raw cookie dough so much, I whipped up a batch when Mom wasn’t looking and stored it underneath my bed. In the summer. And proceeded to eat it for about a week. And I lived to tell the tale. THE END
P.S. I’m not fat
Man, is that guy fat or what? When he sits around the house, he REALLY sits AROUND the house! Don’t get me started, don’t even get me started…
proudgrampa: Alt-text win!
Hey gramps, think you’ve cracked the code - further proof that all alt-text originates from the Muppet Babies Alphabet Book.
queeraselvis v 2.0:
Cisco, bitches!
I’ve always been tempted to eat some raw cookie dough, but those tubes are just too phallic.
been saving a bottle of ripple 1991 for just the right meal….KFC and cookie dough sounds like a perfect combination.
But what will PUMAs eat, now?
First the Slim Jim factory esplodes, now they’re taking away raw cookie dough. People! We may soon be facing a crap food shortage!
El Pinche: Chicken fried bacon!
http://www.barrypopik.com/index.php/texas/entry/chicken_fried_bacon/
Lascauxcaveman: Yup. And you’d NEVER catch Cookie Monster eating raw dough!
Please stop using that pic of me, kthxbai.
Is that guy at the computer the new head of the Repugnican party?
Ken, love your new picture to go with the article! It is so much better than the AOL or trueslant.com one — you look great in profile!
I’m putting that photo on our refrigerator as a warning to our kids! The caption will simply read “Modern Conservative!”
Hell on Earth is this guys computer chair.
Naked Bunny with a Whip:
Cute Pic! This is the first salvo in the supreme socialist leader muslin health care reform mandate. Raw cookie dough will kill you either by fat content or e. coli. Pick your poison. All that fried red state crap that clogs your arteries by the time your 15 yrs old is next. Betcha’ they all secede over the food mandate. Good luck getting quality heart bypass surgery in Tijuana! Don’t worry the drug lords & pollution will probably kill you first :). I ate this stuff when I was a teenager by the truck loads. How I stayed 105lbs is amazing. I must have had the metabolism of a chihuahua or of course we did have gym class.
i like how his belly, tits and arms look like a dog’s face…still.
Why not just squeeze the tube directly into the toilet and eliminate the middleman?
Viewed from the side you can’t see the butt gut.
There is nothing more to say here about the e.coli cookie dough. The Wonkettes have said it all. We are off to a great weekend. I am thinking about going to Bermuda to check on our Uighurs. If I see them I’ll report back but probably I’ll just sit here in the rain and bake the damn cookies and curse the darkness. It’s raining in Bermuda too.
I crushed a tube of cookie-dough and a liter of pineapple juice right after my SATs.
True.
You can cook the stuff? Who knew?
Monsieur Grumpe: The results aren’t in yet from tbe RNC convention.
Please tell me that Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream is still safe. I need some bit of good news today