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Lindsey Graham… *Please* Just Tell Us Your Secrets Already

Lindsey Graham, third puzzle piece, along with Joe Lieberman and John McCain, of the Senate’s most bromantic Warring Loser Triumvirate, has come out to defend his good pal and homewrecker John Ensign, of sex affair fame. Graham considers Ensign’s sexings a personal matter on which he should keep his mouth shut, because, well, hehehe… we’ve all got shit on us, don’t we now?

“I think he will be welcomed back by his colleagues and go back to being a good senator,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham, who said Ensign shouldn’t have resigned his leadership spot.

Graham downplayed the political impact this would have on the GOP, saying, “Most Americans look at this as a personal situation.”

Graham let out a laugh and said: “I’ve got plenty of sins that I’m not going to share with anyone else.”

What ever could he mean, and what behavior would he consider sinful? Graham couldn’t possibly have any sex affairs in his background, since he has never been married. That is so weird, how Lindsey Graham has never been married. You’d think he would’ve gotten married at some point. A family values politician from the South, right? That is just so weird, that Lindsey Graham never got married.

[The Plumline]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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57 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Sorry, Linds. You’re the only person in US America who still thinks he’s in the closet.

  2. Mad Farmer Manifest

    I’ll say he’s got sins. You should have heard the stuff Graham Cracker said while I was buttfucking him. I’ve never been so appalled by bad language in my life.

  3. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    “Why, I remember this one time I was down in South Beach with Rush Limbaugh. We had just done some K and popped some of his Viagra, and we were going to see this party where there would be all of these young, eager Cuban boys…, but I’ve said enough already….”

  4. memzilla

    With a name like “Lindsey,” I think we all know what kind of beat-the-crap-out-of-daily school life he had growing up. And how do you best placate a testosterone-fueled adolescent bully, HENNNNNGH?

    We now need TMZ to spin off a political branch which focuses on the Repugnicans’ peccadilloes, or peccadildos, or something.

    And will someone please do the math on how many times this Troika of Fail has criticized Bill Clinton on his sexytime? Sounds like a job for 538 Man.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, it’s a private matter — so shame on whoever dragged Senator Ensign’s personal life into the public square. Oh, wait.

  6. Scrodd

    You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension – a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind, and a dimension of unpseakable horror. You’re moving into a land of a McCain-Lieberman-Graham lemonparty. You’ve just crossed over into the DONOTWANT Zone.

  7. Lord Growing

    Oh, he’s just talking about the time his buddy Joe got him to sample his matzos (see photo). He insisted that it’s not actually made with the blood of gentile children, but Lindsey knows better.

    Or gay sex. Whatever.

  8. Min

    What? No alt-text? Not even, “Joe, this brie reminds me of a sailor I once blew, er, knew.”

  9. Scrodd

    [re=342574]The Lucky Republican[/re]: “It’s funny because he’s gay.”

    It’s funny because he’s more hidden in the closet than my last batch of Northern Lights.

    Hey, Jimbo – why is Firefox NOT working with Wonkette comments. For a minute, I thought I got banned.

  10. Holding Out for a Hero

    To repeat myself – Lindsey Graham, so far back in the closet he can see fucking Narnia.

  11. Bearbloke

    [re=342562]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: Did he scream out POUND MY SLOPPY MAN-CUNT, MISTER NIGGER PRESIDENT!!! again? Next time, just stuff his purty lil’ mouf with that piss-soaked ‘SC gameCocks headband he always carries with his other sex-toys…

  12. Morbo the Annihilator

    I know that Graham is a likely homer-sexual, but are you implying that he’s got some Ted Haggard stuff going on in there?

  13. assistant/atlas

    This Lindsey chick’s pretty cute for an old broad. I wonder why she never got married.

  14. Scrodd

    [re=342586]The Lucky Republican[/re]: We’ll he hasn’t exactly leaked his hotel video with Arlen Specter, either.

  15. assistant/atlas

    Also, Lindsey, please don’t actually tell us what your secrets are. I’m already a little nauseous from thinking about Cindy McCain’s cunt from earlier today.

  16. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=342579]Scrodd[/re]: “So deep in the closet he’s finding Christmas presents!”

  17. chascates

    You people are so mean. Maybe he just collects precious little Hummel figurines and the habit has gotten out of control.

  18. Harvey Birdman

    Nice DOJ memo logic: equating adultery with closeted gay sex.

    To be fair, they’re both hotter than regular sex.

  19. Bearbloke

    [re=342615]chascates[/re]: “Maybe he just collects precious little Hummel figurines in his rectum and the habit has gotten out of control.

    /fixed

  20. CorkPopper

    Aww, c’mon, y’all. Lindsay’s just a confirmed bachelor, is all. Lots of those down South. Why a great-uncle of mine was…good old Uncle Ed…made a lot of money, never had any kids to leave it to, and then went and left it all to the young male aide he employed at the end of his life. Nothing unusual there, see?

  21. HughJennicks

    No Sinator Linseed, UR doing it wrongly:

    Philadelphia Daily News – June 18, 2009
    Need marital help, Sen. Ensign? Ask a gay couple
    By Ronnie Polaneczky

    So return to what U were doing with Mitch ‘Chou’s Bitch’ McConnell, and the Official Abu Ghraib Interrogators’ Model Chemical Lightstick of GOP Enlightenment®, in the Senate Republican Committee’s Cloak Room.

  22. One Yield Regular

    I think he’s trying to be funny. I hope he’s trying to be funny. Because isn’t this the very same guy who pretty much MADE HIS CAREER by being one of the Republicans most exercised by Bill Clinton’s “personal situation,” which he dragged the whole country into for his own career (cough, cough,) -enhancing stimulation?

  23. boinggg

    Lindsey Graham was one of the House prosecutors in the Senate impeachment trial of Bill Clinton. Oh, but that’s right—Clinton lied about the sex. If he had just told the truth about it, Graham would have been much more understanding.

  24. TeddyS

    Don’t make him mad. Lindsey Graham eats your kind for breakfast. Snarl. Wait…that didn’t come out right.

  25. mollymcguire

    The courtroom is a quiet place, Judge Roberts, where you park your political ideology, and you call the balls and you call the strikes.

    Lindsey Graham (R-Closet)

  26. Extemporanus

    [re=342605]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Don’t ever cum between a cracker and his cracker.

  27. sezme

    Lindsey Graham doesn’t sex other men because he’s gay. On the contrary, he sexes other men to prove he’s straight. What part of that don’t you people understand?

  28. SPlaTz

    Dear god!
    That is so pants crapping, coma inducing TMI I need to shove SOS pads in my ears in order to scrub that info from my cortex!
    Why is it I think he winked after he said it……EWWWWWW!

  29. El Pinche

    What secret? Everyone knows Lindsay is a cock gobber.

    You think that’s queso he’s dippin into? That’s Lieberman’s jizz. That’s the price you pay to roll with republicans.

  30. darbyogill

    I am so blinded by Lindsey Graham’s obvious dandy-lion gayness, which has been obvious since, um, FOREVER, that I can’t even snark. Lindsey Graham’s obvious gayness has sucked all of the snark out of the room. Please tell me this isn’t the first Wonkette mention of such Graham homo-itude?

  31. wallythepug

    My gaydar tells me it has something to do with Mitch McConnell and last year’s Senate Christmas party. Please let there be photos….

  32. Lazy Media

    [re=342610]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: He’s so deep in the closet, the only thing between him and the back wall is Tom Cruise.

  33. Lazy Media

    OTOH, there’s such a thing as the prissy Southern mama’s boy, too. Some of them are by all evidence actually straight, although they look and sound as gay as a Gucci slip-on.

  34. Serolf Divad

    Lindsay Graham is a virgin. He’s pure as the driven snow. As a family values Republican he believes in abstinence and has never been married. So you do the math. Graham is a role model to us all. He’s a little like Jesus, in fact, except closeted.

  35. Lazy Media

    [re=342766]Lazy Media[/re]: But few of the straight ones are single in their ’50s. So, yeah, totes a ‘mo.

  36. AKAM80TheWolf

    Lindsey was actually the prime source for the Chronicles of Narnia movies, because he is the only person to have ever actually seen Narnia. He also fucked Mr. Tumnus, which is why he walks funny now.

  37. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Poor Linds. He’s not a member of GameCock Nation for nothing. Just sayin’.

  38. eekahil

    [re=342743]darbyogill[/re]:

    Wow, me too. Lindsay has always presented sooo D.A.R. – I just assumed he had a lady wife, kids and a passel o’ gran-babies to “prove’ he was with teh streights.

    ps: to all the wisecracks, above. lolz!

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