ORANGE PEOPLE  3:17 pm June 18, 2009

Intern Riley’s Heart Broken At Congressional Baseball Game

by Jim Newell

We will post a thorough report later this evening of last night’s Wonkette Field Trip to the annual Congressional Baseball Game, but until then, here’s the story of how a little boy’s heart was torn to shreds. All Intern Riley — clad in his finest pink “Sting” sweater — wanted at this game was a photograph with the Republican team’s mascot, Orange John Boehner. Riley even offered him a friendly Hitler salute! But just before Riley’s turn for dream-realization came up, Boehner cut off all photos. Is this how an orange professional sports mascot is supposed to treat children?

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GDTRFB June 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

I have a killer orange tie, too. But I can’t seem to get my face orange enough to match it like Boehner does with ease.

Josh Fruhlinger June 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

What kind of Republican gets his picture taken with a GIRL when he could be cuddling up to a nice college boy in a pink sweater?

On the other hand, maybe Boenher realized that his magnificient titian skin would have clashed terribly with Riley’s own pink garment, and saved everyone involved from a headache-inducing color combo.

Scarab June 18, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Pink Sting sweater? I hate to say it, but Boehner wins this round.

slappypaddy June 18, 2009 at 3:23 pm

lotta empty seats, there

octupletsmom June 18, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Boener is not only heartless but obviously blind. Intern Riley is cuter than puppies.

MARCdMan June 18, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Wow, the top of his plastic hairpiece is the same color as his face.

facehead June 18, 2009 at 3:25 pm

A Republican leader didn’t want get close to a young male intern from DC?

MARCdMan June 18, 2009 at 3:26 pm

[re=342266]slappypaddy[/re]: better attendance than you average nats game though.

Mr Blifil June 18, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Pink “Sting” sweater, eh. Man you guys were really cruising for a face punching weren’t you?

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 18, 2009 at 3:27 pm

I keep expecting Boehner to, at any second, start ripping off his face a la Diana from “V”.

nbawriter June 18, 2009 at 3:27 pm

That freakin’ sweater is like gay-dar chaff … it’s throwing out so much gayness that it overwhelms the sensors.

Extemporanus June 18, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Why is that catcher’s mitt wearing a suit and tie? It’s not like stopping balls with one’s face is anything to get dressed up for.

Is it?

Tommmcatt June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

So does Boehner smell like Pina Coladas? I always imagined him smelling of umbrella drinks for some reason.

AllHat June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Will no one in the MSM step up and pronounce his name properly!? Anybody with any high-school English, knows his name is “BOW-ner”. Then again, only in America would you pronounce that quarterback’s name, “Brett FARV”.

SayItWithWookies June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Boehner shouldn’t turn away fans. How does he expect to build the Grand Orange Party when he’s turning away fans?

GreatOldOnesParty June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

y u no alt-txt KEN!

GreatOldOnesParty June 18, 2009 at 3:30 pm

err..i mean…JIM!

facehead June 18, 2009 at 3:30 pm

What a fucking terrible fashion sense! His tie clashes with his face.

Scarab June 18, 2009 at 3:30 pm

I see that Boehner’s bald security guys is checking out Riley’s ass.
“Excuse me young man but the senator would like to seventh inning stretch with you in the club level suite”

bitchincamaro June 18, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Where is Seymour Butts?

Serious June 18, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Whiney Waggaman, more like

Violenza June 18, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Wow, Boner looks like he’s been on the Sarah Palin diet, all vulturey and shit.

GreatOldOnesParty June 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Bay-Nor is obviously a lizard person who stayed a little too long on his sunning rock.

shortsshortsshorts June 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

WHY IS BOEHNER SO FUCKING TAN? There is a scandal in here, somewhere.

sati demise June 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

[re=342274]facehead[/re]: Explicit decree from the judge. Or restraining order.

qaf June 18, 2009 at 3:34 pm

[re=342264]Scarab[/re]: Unless it actually says, “Pink Sting”.

qwerty42 June 18, 2009 at 3:34 pm

[re=342261]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: You’re probably sorry you didn’t go now. Didn’t expect the Prince of Orange did you?

Extemporanus June 18, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Does this mean that we now have to refer to our Lil’ Waggamuffin as Heil-y?

ManchuCandidate June 18, 2009 at 3:35 pm

What is Boner’s skin color called? Oompah Loompah Orange?

qaf June 18, 2009 at 3:37 pm

[re=342287]AllHat[/re]: Is that BOW as in what you tie around a present, or BOW as in what you do when confronted with the Queen? Ambiguityfail.

chascates June 18, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Boehner’s being a bonehead. Riley, try for a photo with Joe Barton. Tell him you’re an intern with Dutch Shell.

Vulpes82 June 18, 2009 at 3:41 pm

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Boehner! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Only the Wonkette editors and commenters are allowed to make the intern cry; it’s in his contract.

Joshua Norton June 18, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Riley looks like he’d have a grand old time in the Real World house.

facehead June 18, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Riley, Boehner probably thought you were that Bruno character who tried to molest Ron Paul.

BadKitty June 18, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Boehner looks a mannequin at Sears.

Mad Farmer Manifest June 18, 2009 at 3:43 pm

He’s a Republican so how he’s SUPPOSED to treat children is that he gives them the nonconsensual buttsecks, amirite?

GreatOldOnesParty June 18, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=342312]qaf[/re]: no no no.
It’s BOW as in the front of a ship!

Come here a minute June 18, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Boner cut off the photos because he was offended by Intern Riley’s Hitler salute–it was offered with the wrong hand.

OT: Hooray for making it official and getting Intern Riley in the masthead. What is the deal with Intern Juli being listed as an A.E.? I want my Julicontent!

51dimes June 18, 2009 at 3:44 pm

So…Syracuse was playing?

Bronkers June 18, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Lil’ Waggamuffin, life is a series of bitter disappointments. Consider the Boehner brush-off only to be minor league in the steroid-soaked stadium of existence.

dijetlo June 18, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Reilly &#95s GOP (Grumpy Orange Pencil-dicks)

kingofmeh June 18, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=342280]nbawriter[/re]: ‘gaydaff chaff’ should win the day. probably too technological for the audience, but that’s primo stuff.

dijetlo June 18, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=342330]dijetlo[/re]: Note to self, ASCII escape characters don’t convert.
Sorry, it should have been a heart.

WadISay June 18, 2009 at 3:50 pm

The Repubs all go to the ball game and root for the home team to fail.

Manos: Hands of Fate June 18, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Could you imagine what Boehner’s skin would look like next to that shirt? It would have melted everybodies’ face at Nationals Stadium.

slappypaddy June 18, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=342287]AllHat[/re]: Anyone with any high-school German might think to pronounce it — well — it’s unpronounceable by Americans too removed from Mittel Europa, but it could be rendered (and I mean that) as something approximating “Bare-nuh” or “Burr-nuh” or about halfway between those two. Makes Pink-Sting-Boy’s “Sieg Heil” the perfect greeting. Also.

lawrenceofthedesert June 18, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Bonehead cut off photos when he thought that the black pony tail taking his photo was Sonia “Che” Sotomayor, whom he thinks has stolen a piece of his soul for her elaborate Santeria rituals.

cal June 18, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=342294]Scarab[/re]: Dude is thinking “Mmm, I feel like chicken tonight.”

Josh Fruhlinger June 18, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=342305]qwerty42[/re]: Whatever, man, we had Katy Harris at the game I went to. It’s all downhill from there, let me tell you.

Jewdishoowary Square June 18, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Enough with this awful racism. John Boehner is a proud Citrus-American, leave him alone!

freakishlystrong June 18, 2009 at 4:01 pm

Can’t wait until our orange Guv gets in the Senate, they’ll get in bitchy, whiny tan fights and then have gay make-up sex. Good Times!

nbawriter June 18, 2009 at 4:01 pm

I like how Boehner’s bald-headed security detail is checking out Riley’s ass.

Mmmm .. fresh meat (said while pantomiming slicing turkey breast on a deli slicer).

NoWireHangers June 18, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Did Riley address him as Bay-ner or BONE-R, because that might have had something to do with him being cockblocked, erm, I mean denied.

SayItWithWookies June 18, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=342343]slappypaddy[/re]: Well he should change it to something Americans can pronounce, then.

qwerty42 June 18, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=342350]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: very good point. Even if ol crazy eyes, Michele Bachmann (R-MN), were there, it wouldn’t be the same. Unless …. unless …. maybe she thought the acorn/census people were closing in.

Failed 2 Menace June 18, 2009 at 4:16 pm

Intern must have gotten out late from the WHAM! Re-enactment Society monthly meeting and not had time to change.

It was “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” night.

facehead June 18, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Just posting this for the Lulz:

(strangely, it looks like Conan and Shatner vacation at the same moonspot as Boehner).

Gorillionaire June 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm

I love that Boner goes to an outdoor ball game in mid-June wearing his friggun CSPAN suit.

BlueStateLibtard June 18, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=342294]Scarab[/re]: God, I didn’t believe you at first, but you’re right! The bald guy is checking out the poor kid’s butt!

President Beeblebrox June 18, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Boehner/Crist 2012!

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 18, 2009 at 4:51 pm

[re=342261]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: In fairness, the picture of the two of them would be great way to test any ink jet printer.

Accordion-o-rama June 18, 2009 at 5:07 pm

[re=342423]President Beeblebrox[/re]: The Orange Revolution!

They could get Anita Bryant and O.J. as spokes-folks.

assistant/atlas June 18, 2009 at 5:10 pm

I’m pretty sure I could not get that close to John Boehner and not punch him in the nuts. I admire your restraint.

Can O Whoopass June 18, 2009 at 5:33 pm

If Boner gets any darker the repubs are going to buy him some Popeye’s and lynch him.

proudgrampa June 18, 2009 at 5:49 pm

[re=342325]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: Bough?

taylormattd June 18, 2009 at 5:54 pm

Oh, tender, tender intern Riley. However shall you cope? Fear not. One day, an aging, rust-colored Congressman will gather you in for an awkward, furtive groping at a sporting event.

hobospacejunkie June 18, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Is that Ahmedinejad to the right of baldy checking out Riley’s ass? Or at least Ahmedinejad’s son. Security dude was not doing his duty letting a Holocaust denier that close to the Alcoholic-American Rep. Boner. And since SKS (that is her, right?) got so close to Boner, can she report back that he smelled like a brewery? Or better yet, a still? No way he can get to sundown sober.

AKAM80TheWolf June 18, 2009 at 8:09 pm

Riley, you are a spitting image of Augustus Caesar; and I’m pretty sure he had a pink sting sweatshirt, also.

jetjaguar June 18, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Holy shit, what’s wrong with that mans skin? Has he seen a doctor about that?

DoctorCulturae June 18, 2009 at 10:42 pm

No, no, no. Riley was again doing Sean Penn. But this time not as Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but as Harvey Milk.

What Penn role will Riley do next? Inquiring minds want to know.

mollymcguire June 19, 2009 at 3:02 am

[re=342284]Extemporanus[/re]: How is John Boehner like Yogi Berra? They both made a living taking balls to the chin.

BigBrainOnBrad June 19, 2009 at 8:53 am

Boehner is exactly the same color as Gumby’s pony pal Pokey.

TGY June 19, 2009 at 11:06 am

Crayola has a new color.

ellab June 19, 2009 at 7:52 pm

[re=342261]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: That’s me in the picture! I should have known the pink sweater was a bleeding heart from wonkette! (Mr. Leader, while orange, is a very good politician.)

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