orange people

Intern Riley’s Heart Broken At Congressional Baseball Game

We will post a thorough report later this evening of last night’s Wonkette Field Trip to the annual Congressional Baseball Game, but until then, here’s the story of how a little boy’s heart was torn to shreds. All Intern Riley — clad in his finest pink “Sting” sweater — wanted at this game was a photograph with the Republican team’s mascot, Orange John Boehner. Riley even offered him a friendly Hitler salute! But just before Riley’s turn for dream-realization came up, Boehner cut off all photos. Is this how an orange professional sports mascot is supposed to treat children?

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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74 comments

  1. GDTRFB

    I have a killer orange tie, too. But I can’t seem to get my face orange enough to match it like Boehner does with ease.

  2. Josh Fruhlinger

    What kind of Republican gets his picture taken with a GIRL when he could be cuddling up to a nice college boy in a pink sweater?

    On the other hand, maybe Boenher realized that his magnificient titian skin would have clashed terribly with Riley’s own pink garment, and saved everyone involved from a headache-inducing color combo.

  3. octupletsmom

    Boener is not only heartless but obviously blind. Intern Riley is cuter than puppies.

  4. Mr Blifil

    Pink “Sting” sweater, eh. Man you guys were really cruising for a face punching weren’t you?

  5. nbawriter

    That freakin’ sweater is like gay-dar chaff … it’s throwing out so much gayness that it overwhelms the sensors.

  6. Extemporanus

    Why is that catcher’s mitt wearing a suit and tie? It’s not like stopping balls with one’s face is anything to get dressed up for.

    Is it?

  7. Tommmcatt

    So does Boehner smell like Pina Coladas? I always imagined him smelling of umbrella drinks for some reason.

  8. AllHat

    Will no one in the MSM step up and pronounce his name properly!? Anybody with any high-school English, knows his name is “BOW-ner”. Then again, only in America would you pronounce that quarterback’s name, “Brett FARV”.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Boehner shouldn’t turn away fans. How does he expect to build the Grand Orange Party when he’s turning away fans?

  10. Scarab

    I see that Boehner’s bald security guys is checking out Riley’s ass.
    “Excuse me young man but the senator would like to seventh inning stretch with you in the club level suite”

  11. GreatOldOnesParty

    Bay-Nor is obviously a lizard person who stayed a little too long on his sunning rock.

  12. qwerty42

    [re=342261]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: You’re probably sorry you didn’t go now. Didn’t expect the Prince of Orange did you?

  13. qaf

    [re=342287]AllHat[/re]: Is that BOW as in what you tie around a present, or BOW as in what you do when confronted with the Queen? Ambiguityfail.

  14. chascates

    Boehner’s being a bonehead. Riley, try for a photo with Joe Barton. Tell him you’re an intern with Dutch Shell.

  15. Vulpes82

    BOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Boehner! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Only the Wonkette editors and commenters are allowed to make the intern cry; it’s in his contract.

  16. facehead

    Riley, Boehner probably thought you were that Bruno character who tried to molest Ron Paul.

  17. Mad Farmer Manifest

    He’s a Republican so how he’s SUPPOSED to treat children is that he gives them the nonconsensual buttsecks, amirite?

  18. Come here a minute

    Boner cut off the photos because he was offended by Intern Riley’s Hitler salute–it was offered with the wrong hand.

    OT: Hooray for making it official and getting Intern Riley in the masthead. What is the deal with Intern Juli being listed as an A.E.? I want my Julicontent!

  19. Bronkers

    Lil’ Waggamuffin, life is a series of bitter disappointments. Consider the Boehner brush-off only to be minor league in the steroid-soaked stadium of existence.

  20. kingofmeh

    [re=342280]nbawriter[/re]: ‘gaydaff chaff’ should win the day. probably too technological for the audience, but that’s primo stuff.

  21. dijetlo

    [re=342330]dijetlo[/re]: Note to self, ASCII escape characters don’t convert.
    Sorry, it should have been a heart.

  22. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Could you imagine what Boehner’s skin would look like next to that shirt? It would have melted everybodies’ face at Nationals Stadium.

  23. slappypaddy

    [re=342287]AllHat[/re]: Anyone with any high-school German might think to pronounce it — well — it’s unpronounceable by Americans too removed from Mittel Europa, but it could be rendered (and I mean that) as something approximating “Bare-nuh” or “Burr-nuh” or about halfway between those two. Makes Pink-Sting-Boy’s “Sieg Heil” the perfect greeting. Also.

  24. lawrenceofthedesert

    Bonehead cut off photos when he thought that the black pony tail taking his photo was Sonia “Che” Sotomayor, whom he thinks has stolen a piece of his soul for her elaborate Santeria rituals.

  25. Jewdishoowary Square

    Enough with this awful racism. John Boehner is a proud Citrus-American, leave him alone!

  26. freakishlystrong

    Can’t wait until our orange Guv gets in the Senate, they’ll get in bitchy, whiny tan fights and then have gay make-up sex. Good Times!

  27. nbawriter

    I like how Boehner’s bald-headed security detail is checking out Riley’s ass.

    Mmmm .. fresh meat (said while pantomiming slicing turkey breast on a deli slicer).

  28. NoWireHangers

    Did Riley address him as Bay-ner or BONE-R, because that might have had something to do with him being cockblocked, erm, I mean denied.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    [re=342343]slappypaddy[/re]: Well he should change it to something Americans can pronounce, then.

  30. qwerty42

    [re=342350]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: very good point. Even if ol crazy eyes, Michele Bachmann (R-MN), were there, it wouldn’t be the same. Unless …. unless …. maybe she thought the acorn/census people were closing in.

  31. Failed 2 Menace

    Intern must have gotten out late from the WHAM! Re-enactment Society monthly meeting and not had time to change.

    It was “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” night.

  32. Gorillionaire

    I love that Boner goes to an outdoor ball game in mid-June wearing his friggun CSPAN suit.

  33. BlueStateLibtard

    [re=342294]Scarab[/re]: God, I didn’t believe you at first, but you’re right! The bald guy is checking out the poor kid’s butt!

  34. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=342261]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: In fairness, the picture of the two of them would be great way to test any ink jet printer.

  35. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=342423]President Beeblebrox[/re]: The Orange Revolution!

    They could get Anita Bryant and O.J. as spokes-folks.

  36. assistant/atlas

    I’m pretty sure I could not get that close to John Boehner and not punch him in the nuts. I admire your restraint.

  37. Can O Whoopass

    If Boner gets any darker the repubs are going to buy him some Popeye’s and lynch him.

  38. taylormattd

    Oh, tender, tender intern Riley. However shall you cope? Fear not. One day, an aging, rust-colored Congressman will gather you in for an awkward, furtive groping at a sporting event.

  39. hobospacejunkie

    Is that Ahmedinejad to the right of baldy checking out Riley’s ass? Or at least Ahmedinejad’s son. Security dude was not doing his duty letting a Holocaust denier that close to the Alcoholic-American Rep. Boner. And since SKS (that is her, right?) got so close to Boner, can she report back that he smelled like a brewery? Or better yet, a still? No way he can get to sundown sober.

  40. AKAM80TheWolf

    Riley, you are a spitting image of Augustus Caesar; and I’m pretty sure he had a pink sting sweatshirt, also.

  41. DoctorCulturae

    No, no, no. Riley was again doing Sean Penn. But this time not as Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but as Harvey Milk.

    What Penn role will Riley do next? Inquiring minds want to know.

  42. mollymcguire

    [re=342284]Extemporanus[/re]: How is John Boehner like Yogi Berra? They both made a living taking balls to the chin.

  43. ellab

    [re=342261]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: That’s me in the picture! I should have known the pink sweater was a bleeding heart from wonkette! (Mr. Leader, while orange, is a very good politician.)

Comments are closed.