no they're called truck nutz

‘Real World DC’ Architectural Mouth-Rape Fortress Also Includes ‘Love Sacks’

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Teabagging in our time.Whoa, the news scoops keep coming from City Paper about the horrific plans for the Real World gloom factory on 20th St. NW: The contractors have been instructed to install frightening “Love Sacks” — five of them, in a testicle-shaped “bay window,” so that neighbors and passers-by will have to watch the eight (?) cast members in constant acts of sodomy whilst perched upon said Love Sacks.

Jesus christ if John Ashcroft was still running DoJ, this fuck-house would be closed down before it ever opened. Also: Really, do we need more GRANITE COUNTERTOPS in this world? Those goddamned things actually were the cause of the current Global Recession. [Washington City Paper]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • slappypaddy

    love sacks, a little old place where we can get together, yeah! we used to call them sex bags, until someone pointed out that was one of sarah palin’s nicknames.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I thought there were laws against putting your love sack in the window for all to see. Maybe they can’t help it — they’ve got Turret’s Syndrome.

  • 51dimes

    Larry Craig is intrigued by these “Love Sacks” and would like you to go on.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Love sacks, baby, love sacks!
    Love sacks, baby, love sacks!
    TIN ROOF… RUSTED.

    What?

  • Joshua Norton

    Granite Counter Tops!!???? Are you trying to give Malkin heart failure?

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that….

  • lizard scum

    Like the creepy abortion doctor killer, I believe that some acts of violence are justified before god (Shiva, in my case). Of course, killing doctors is divisive, to say the least. 9/11 was unifying — but at what cost! Why can’t we have some terrorism that sheds blood but not tears, and that unifies 85% of the nation?

    Also, Ken, I sadly think your comment about the granite countertops has just Won the Afternoon.

  • HoboNutz

    are the love sacks granite?

  • Come here a minute

    They’re a little old place where they can get to-ge-ther, love sacks baby!

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=342235]slappypaddy[/re]: Damn you.

  • facehead

    The Love Sack is a lil ole place where, we can get together!

  • ph7

    The harder the granite, the deeper they plant it.

  • Mr Blifil

    I hadn’t ever realized my love sacks were groaning until you posted this. ISO RELEASE!

  • Roll Fish

    Ken Layne when will you learn to count there are five — FIVE — love sacks. One for every one and 3/8ths (are there eight of them?) cast member.

  • Come here a minute

    Did anyone mention the Chrysler (as big as a whale) that’s about to set sail?

  • facehead

    Fuck you both [re=342238]Newton[/re] and [re=342235]Leibniz[/re]!

  • captqitn

    So I’m guessing they look something like the goo-bags from Invasion of the Body Snatchers? But with a muskier scent?

  • MARCdMan

    How often will this televised Amsterdam-style window debauchery take place?

  • slappypaddy

    [re=342250]Come here a minute[/re]: it sunk. or sank. or something.

  • mrpuma2u

    [re=342239]Joshua Norton[/re]: Granite counter tops are so last week. You need ones made from recycled glass (preferably collected at Los Alamos, the food stays warm like magic!) or formed concrete. These are the new uber chic counter surfaces that are emerging in McMansions in an ex-burb near you, to show up those people with boring old granite as passe wannabees.

    These MTV scum clearly have been sabotaged by the interior designer of this project, and most likely deservedly so.

  • Extemporanus

    I don’t see a vas deferens between the love sacks and the bathroom. That could be a problem.

  • A Better American Than YOU

    Washington and Hollywood clasp one another in a sweet, salty embrace. Cast:
    – a power-crazed middle-aged scheduler
    – a wide-stanced ex-Senator
    – some bi-polar, nyphomaniacal interns (not YOU, Waggo!)
    – a few teen “research policy consultants”
    – Bristol, Levi/Ricky, Tweet, Stinky, and some other Palins
    – include Megs McCain as The Voice of Reason
    – Lady Peggy drunkenly observing through peep-holes and hidden cameras

    If only Nabokov were alive to document it all.

  • WadISay

    It would save room on the drawing if they called them scrota.

  • facehead

    [re=342268]Extemporanus[/re]: It taint important.

  • Country Club Jihadi

    Each shack should be decorated with a political sex scandal theme, like wall paper made of Kwame’s sexy text messages. There should also be plenty of Hawaiian Pizza for everyone.

  • bitchincamaro

    Where are the rotating knives?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=342282]facehead[/re]: Especially once the house is finally post-op.

  • Joshua Norton

    So where’s the room where you smoke a little dope, eat HoHo’s and watch the Discovery Chanel?

    Am I the only one who thinks this whole thing looks like a Bravo TV “Top Design” reject? Like something that lost around week 2?

  • kth

    [re=342249]Roll Fish[/re]: no, 3 pairs and 2 wankers

  • BadKitty

    I take comfort in the fact that granite counter tops can emit radon at dangerously high levels. HA! Take THAT, you boring upper class snobs on your fancy cul-de-sacs named after all the trees they cut down to build your ugly 5,000 square foot McMansion.

  • rev_matt_y

    [re=342285]bitchincamaro[/re]: we wanted a block of flats, not an abattoir

  • Ken Layne

    [re=342249]Roll Fish[/re]: I thought the little one on top was a chicken mcnugget, but I’ll “correct” my count to five.

  • qwerty42

    [re=342285]bitchincamaro[/re]: a hanzo steel for everyone? so it will end like the crazy 88’s?
    [re=342271]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: great cast!

  • PrairiePossum

    Love Sacks are Truck Nutz for hoyty toyty unemployed late night shots kids.

  • Humpback

    [re=342250]Come here a minute[/re]: Hey! I resemble that remark. Also, that blueprint is just about to scale for my love sack.

  • dennymcden

    Let the eeeeeeeeeeaaagle soooooooaaaar!

  • eclecticbrotha

    [re=342246]facehead[/re]: Win. I was gonna say “DNA gets together” but I bow to your genius.

  • boatapple

    I love when Ken gets exercised about Ghetto Granite. He’s absolutely right.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=342271]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: I would buy a TIVO to ensure never missing an episode of THAT show. But please add a boring orange character for the scheduler and the ex-Senator to fight over. His murder could be the cliff-hanger for Season One. Why is it too much to ask that we have episodic political satire? Wouldn’t the cost of paying real writers be offset by the rioting that would break out when the Palin Posse realized their Snow Queen was being mocked? Those crazy PUMAs certainly drove up Letterman’s ratings.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Isn’t the bigger question “Why is there a bench in the bathroom?” I mean, do people go in there and just hang out? Or is it for weight lifting?

  • FlipOffResearch

    Some day, the poor guy that lives across the street from that thing will be drinking a morning cup of coffee, look out the window to take in the sunrise and accidentally get an eyeful of tangled “love sack action”. He will be stricken with disgust twinges sporadically throughout the day.

  • Min

    so that neighbors and passers-by will have to watch the eight (?) cast members in constant acts of sodomy whilst perched upon said Love Sacks.

    Hey, it’s better than having to listen to them attempt human speech.

  • PerhapsSo

    [re=342435]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Yet another sexing surface, much like the love sacks and the granite counter.

  • Wonderman

    Is it too late to get in a timely “Love Shack” parody?

  • proudgrampa

    Hell, doesn’t everyone love sacks?

  • Suds McKenzie

    Pier One Bowl filled with Tea Bags in the middle?

  • MOG

    We of the Laminate Counters salute you!

  • ladymacbeth

    i painted my laminate counter for the fun and now it’s poisoned and a carcinogen and i have to get granite.

    this is a true story*

    *except for the granite part.