NO THEY'RE CALLED TRUCK NUTZ  3:07 pm June 18, 2009

‘Real World DC’ Architectural Mouth-Rape Fortress Also Includes ‘Love Sacks’

by Ken Layne

Teabagging in our time.Whoa, the news scoops keep coming from City Paper about the horrific plans for the Real World gloom factory on 20th St. NW: The contractors have been instructed to install frightening “Love Sacks” — five of them, in a testicle-shaped “bay window,” so that neighbors and passers-by will have to watch the eight (?) cast members in constant acts of sodomy whilst perched upon said Love Sacks.

Jesus christ if John Ashcroft was still running DoJ, this fuck-house would be closed down before it ever opened. Also: Really, do we need more GRANITE COUNTERTOPS in this world? Those goddamned things actually were the cause of the current Global Recession. [Washington City Paper]

 
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{ 47 comments }

slappypaddy June 18, 2009 at 3:12 pm

love sacks, a little old place where we can get together, yeah! we used to call them sex bags, until someone pointed out that was one of sarah palin’s nicknames.

SayItWithWookies June 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm

I thought there were laws against putting your love sack in the window for all to see. Maybe they can’t help it — they’ve got Turret’s Syndrome.

51dimes June 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Larry Craig is intrigued by these “Love Sacks” and would like you to go on.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Love sacks, baby, love sacks!
Love sacks, baby, love sacks!
TIN ROOF… RUSTED.

What?

Joshua Norton June 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Granite Counter Tops!!???? Are you trying to give Malkin heart failure?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….

lizard scum June 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Like the creepy abortion doctor killer, I believe that some acts of violence are justified before god (Shiva, in my case). Of course, killing doctors is divisive, to say the least. 9/11 was unifying — but at what cost! Why can’t we have some terrorism that sheds blood but not tears, and that unifies 85% of the nation?

Also, Ken, I sadly think your comment about the granite countertops has just Won the Afternoon.

HoboNutz June 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

are the love sacks granite?

Come here a minute June 18, 2009 at 3:15 pm

They’re a little old place where they can get to-ge-ther, love sacks baby!

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 18, 2009 at 3:15 pm

[re=342235]slappypaddy[/re]: Damn you.

facehead June 18, 2009 at 3:15 pm

The Love Sack is a lil ole place where, we can get together!

ph7 June 18, 2009 at 3:15 pm

The harder the granite, the deeper they plant it.

Mr Blifil June 18, 2009 at 3:15 pm

I hadn’t ever realized my love sacks were groaning until you posted this. ISO RELEASE!

Roll Fish June 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Ken Layne when will you learn to count there are five — FIVE — love sacks. One for every one and 3/8ths (are there eight of them?) cast member.

Come here a minute June 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Did anyone mention the Chrysler (as big as a whale) that’s about to set sail?

facehead June 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Fuck you both [re=342238]Newton[/re] and [re=342235]Leibniz[/re]!

captqitn June 18, 2009 at 3:20 pm

So I’m guessing they look something like the goo-bags from Invasion of the Body Snatchers? But with a muskier scent?

MARCdMan June 18, 2009 at 3:20 pm

How often will this televised Amsterdam-style window debauchery take place?

slappypaddy June 18, 2009 at 3:21 pm

[re=342250]Come here a minute[/re]: it sunk. or sank. or something.

mrpuma2u June 18, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=342239]Joshua Norton[/re]: Granite counter tops are so last week. You need ones made from recycled glass (preferably collected at Los Alamos, the food stays warm like magic!) or formed concrete. These are the new uber chic counter surfaces that are emerging in McMansions in an ex-burb near you, to show up those people with boring old granite as passe wannabees.

These MTV scum clearly have been sabotaged by the interior designer of this project, and most likely deservedly so.

Extemporanus June 18, 2009 at 3:24 pm

I don’t see a vas deferens between the love sacks and the bathroom. That could be a problem.

A Better American Than YOU June 18, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Washington and Hollywood clasp one another in a sweet, salty embrace. Cast:
- a power-crazed middle-aged scheduler
- a wide-stanced ex-Senator
- some bi-polar, nyphomaniacal interns (not YOU, Waggo!)
- a few teen “research policy consultants”
- Bristol, Levi/Ricky, Tweet, Stinky, and some other Palins
- include Megs McCain as The Voice of Reason
- Lady Peggy drunkenly observing through peep-holes and hidden cameras

If only Nabokov were alive to document it all.

WadISay June 18, 2009 at 3:27 pm

It would save room on the drawing if they called them scrota.

facehead June 18, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=342268]Extemporanus[/re]: It taint important.

Country Club Jihadi June 18, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Each shack should be decorated with a political sex scandal theme, like wall paper made of Kwame’s sexy text messages. There should also be plenty of Hawaiian Pizza for everyone.

bitchincamaro June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Where are the rotating knives?

Extemporanus June 18, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=342282]facehead[/re]: Especially once the house is finally post-op.

Joshua Norton June 18, 2009 at 3:32 pm

So where’s the room where you smoke a little dope, eat HoHo’s and watch the Discovery Chanel?

Am I the only one who thinks this whole thing looks like a Bravo TV “Top Design” reject? Like something that lost around week 2?

kth June 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

[re=342249]Roll Fish[/re]: no, 3 pairs and 2 wankers

BadKitty June 18, 2009 at 3:39 pm

I take comfort in the fact that granite counter tops can emit radon at dangerously high levels. HA! Take THAT, you boring upper class snobs on your fancy cul-de-sacs named after all the trees they cut down to build your ugly 5,000 square foot McMansion.

rev_matt_y June 18, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=342285]bitchincamaro[/re]: we wanted a block of flats, not an abattoir

Ken Layne June 18, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=342249]Roll Fish[/re]: I thought the little one on top was a chicken mcnugget, but I’ll “correct” my count to five.

qwerty42 June 18, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=342285]bitchincamaro[/re]: a hanzo steel for everyone? so it will end like the crazy 88′s?
[re=342271]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: great cast!

PrairiePossum June 18, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Love Sacks are Truck Nutz for hoyty toyty unemployed late night shots kids.

Humpback June 18, 2009 at 3:52 pm

[re=342250]Come here a minute[/re]: Hey! I resemble that remark. Also, that blueprint is just about to scale for my love sack.

dennymcden June 18, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Let the eeeeeeeeeeaaagle soooooooaaaar!

eclecticbrotha June 18, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=342246]facehead[/re]: Win. I was gonna say “DNA gets together” but I bow to your genius.

boatapple June 18, 2009 at 4:11 pm

I love when Ken gets exercised about Ghetto Granite. He’s absolutely right.

Jukesgrrl June 18, 2009 at 4:51 pm

[re=342271]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: I would buy a TIVO to ensure never missing an episode of THAT show. But please add a boring orange character for the scheduler and the ex-Senator to fight over. His murder could be the cliff-hanger for Season One. Why is it too much to ask that we have episodic political satire? Wouldn’t the cost of paying real writers be offset by the rioting that would break out when the Palin Posse realized their Snow Queen was being mocked? Those crazy PUMAs certainly drove up Letterman’s ratings.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 18, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Isn’t the bigger question “Why is there a bench in the bathroom?” I mean, do people go in there and just hang out? Or is it for weight lifting?

FlipOffResearch June 18, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Some day, the poor guy that lives across the street from that thing will be drinking a morning cup of coffee, look out the window to take in the sunrise and accidentally get an eyeful of tangled “love sack action”. He will be stricken with disgust twinges sporadically throughout the day.

Min June 18, 2009 at 5:28 pm

so that neighbors and passers-by will have to watch the eight (?) cast members in constant acts of sodomy whilst perched upon said Love Sacks.

Hey, it’s better than having to listen to them attempt human speech.

PerhapsSo June 18, 2009 at 5:31 pm

[re=342435]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Yet another sexing surface, much like the love sacks and the granite counter.

Wonderman June 18, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Is it too late to get in a timely “Love Shack” parody?

proudgrampa June 18, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Hell, doesn’t everyone love sacks?

Suds McKenzie June 18, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Pier One Bowl filled with Tea Bags in the middle?

MOG June 18, 2009 at 7:50 pm

We of the Laminate Counters salute you!

ladymacbeth June 18, 2009 at 11:02 pm

i painted my laminate counter for the fun and now it’s poisoned and a carcinogen and i have to get granite.

this is a true story*

*except for the granite part.

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