Wonkette
- Protests are set to continue in Iran today after opposition leader Mousavi called for another mass rally. Western journalists can’t really cover this, as they have been banned by the government, so the world will just have to watch amateur YouTubes of this event. [AP]
- The public still likes President Obama well enough, but they’d like to know what he’s going to do about the budget deficit that he inherited and has had FIVE WHOLE MONTHS to eliminate. [US News and World Report]
- HLTH Corp. is going to get eated by subsidiary Web MD Health Corp. in an all-stock, tax-free buffet. [Wall Street Journal]
- Wait, what? John “I will not ride alone in a car with a lady” Ensign was rumored to have had ANOTHER affair way back in 2002, long before he laid a hand on a married campaign staffer. [New York Daily News]
- Swine flu has finally come to the idyllic Florida Keys, as foretold in Ernest Hemingway’s elegiac science fiction novel Viruses in the Stream. [AP]
- The Iranian soccer team narrowly missed qualifying for the World Cup 2010 finals, which would have given sports writers a really compelling emotional/political angle to work. [Soccer America Daily]
Are you listening NOBAMA!!??!!!?? Because we’re the American people. You know… the ones who ELECTED you!
Now this is what we want: we want you to totally eliminate the budget deficit that DIDN”T EXIST before you took office (to a large extent). Also, we want you to MAKE THE ECONOMY BETTER at the same time. Also we want you to LOWER OUR TAXES…. no, fuck that… ELIMINATE TAXES ALTOGETHER! Plus we want you to STRENGTHEN SOCIAL SECURITY. And we want you to DOUBLE THE SIZE OF THE MILTARY so we can be protected from TERRORISTS! And we want you to MAKE IRAN A DEMOCRACY THAT LOVES ISRAEL. And we want you to GIVE EVERYONE HEALTH INSURANCE but make sure that its not a BIG GOVERNMENT program. Find a way to let DOCTORS give patients as much treatment as the doctor deems necessary for $12.95 (no deductible). That’s the FREE MARKET, NON-SOCIALIST way. And make sure I can see ANY DOCTOR I WANT and NEVER HAVE TO WAIT. I should be able to just walk in off the street any time I want and be treated by EVERETT KOOP if that’s who I want, and I shouldn’t have to wait more than 15 minutes in the waiting room. That the FREE MARKET, NON-SOCIALIST WAY.
Also, I want a beef burrito. With sour cream.
Creampuff journalists. Send Dana Rohrohbachman. He’ll get the news out of Iran or die trying. A win/win.
In Ensign’s defense, he does have great hair.
Serolf Divad: Nice channeling of Sarah Palin there, Serolf.
So, I don’t get it. John Ensign doesn’t like cars?
I’m still in shock about the Ensign scandal. Hypocrisy, sure. But ladies?
John Ensign, yet another reason to sneer at those guys who went to Promise Keepers.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Serolf Divad: Actually, I instantly thought “Douchebourogh”?
Serolf Divad: And we want you to GIVE EVERYONE HEALTH INSURANCE but make sure that its not a BIG GOVERNMENT program…. I should be able to just walk in off the street any time I want and be treated by EVERETT KOOP if that’s who I want.
I smell Comment Win o’ Afternoon.
queeraselvis v 2.0:
My friend who know someone who lives in Canada told me that under socialized medicine in Canada you are only allowed to see the doctor once a year on your birthday, and if the waiting room is so full and that have to wait past midnight then you have to go home and come back again next year.
gurukalehuru: He won’t ride alone with the lady, he’ll take the car to an out-of-the-way place, ease it into park, and smoothly slide over….
Jeez, no wonder ensign won’t ride in a car with a lady who’s not his wife. He can’t stop himself from sticking his wiener in them if exposed for over 20 minutes.
Serolf Divad: This has got to be the longest first post ever.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Serolf Divad: Wait. Canadian doctors’ offices are open ’til midnight? Canadian Socialized Medicine FTW!
However, Iraq (almost the same) played to a goalless tie with South Africa and lost by the slimmest of margins to world champions Spain. They are expected to beat New Zealand.
Foreign Affairs + Soccer = Americans won’t pay attention
It’s like Chris Rock says, you’re only as faithful as your possibilities. Think about it; you never heard about James Coburn or Jim DeMint messing around on their stepford wives.
You have the rare exception where some younger thing will screw someone hideous (Newt) to advance their personal ambition of climbing the social ladder, but as Tina says “What’s love got to do with it?”
The simplest solution to healthcare and social security: Carousel at 65.
You get 65 years. Make them count. Also, no voting rights after 60.
It’d be quicker to just list the diseases NOT found in the Florida Keys. Jugglers are filthy.
What I don’t get about the Ensign deal is why he went to so much effort to prevent saying who he was screwing only to have the woman and her husband come out and say it was her.
I guess you shouldn’t fuck media whores…
How does Ensign - who looks like Billy Bob Thornton’s older, suaver brother - score with the ladies?
The “ladies” have heard whispers about the Ensign Pulverizer.
Like catnip….
Texan Bulldoggette:
Mitch Mconnell. There’s another guy. The rivers will run amber with Apple Juice before Mconnell has an affair.
Would amateurish YouTubes be any worse than the amateurish iREPORTS that make up most of CNN’s normal video stream?
Here’s an angle for sports writers:
Iranian Soccar Team: BIG LOSERS - just like the rest of their countrymen!
How come there is no mention that they made five (5) clones of a 9/11 rescue dog?
None, what-so-frakkin’ ever.
9/11 people…9/11. Never forget.
Dog clones!
Johnny Zhivago: Actually, here’s an even better one:
Iranian Soccer Team and Houssein Mousavi: Poor LOSERS!
Serolf Divad: That’s because Mitch is married to a Chin-y woman. He knows she’ll cut off his dick & saute it with garlic & onions & make him eat it if he screws around. But Elaine can rest easy, because I don’t think Mitch has any Senate groupies hanging around wanting his autograph or a picture with him.
Does the other lucky lady also have a teen-aged son who gets a really swell taxpayer-paid allowance from Uncle Johnny?
Johnny Zhivago: Does Politico have a sports section? That looks like that belongs.
I don’t care what format they come in, but I must have my daily dose of fine protesting Persian ladies!
Servo: this. it could even be 70. i still fail to understand why this is such a politically unpopular platform.
oh wait…
Well, I for one can only cheer as the Republican party seems to be ending it’s “coked out in Vegas” period and gets back to the basics of Conservatism; Endless war, unsustainable debt, and an abiding dedication to substandard vag. Welcome home, Republicans
Serolf Divad: also:gay marriage for everyone and free puppies and light rail that stops at my house and takes me where ever i want to go and color t,v, and more of everything as seen on t.v. and credit cards with pictures on them and those little doggy stairs and organic gardens that plant and care for themselves and porn that i haven’t even imagined yet but gives me a boner up to the sky and sweet dreams at night and even during nap time and republican statesmen who aren’t looney and try to help their country out of the goddamn shit-mess they created and most of all a new refreshing cocktail that is delicious and makes you just the right amount of drunk without ever getting nasty and we’ll call it the obama cocktail (or the obama for short) served in a tall glass with lots a ice and every time you have one a hungry childs tummy will be filled and we won’t even need health care anymore because the obama will keep us all regular and cure cancer. ok?
Another lesson in Iran…
Americans and Iranians have so much in common…
We are both lousy soccer players and we love to re-elect jackasses.
Goddamn you people, now I have images of John Boehner trolling for Oompa Loompas on Craigslist infecting my pre-caffinated brain.
This is all your fault.
Serolf Divad: I second your ideas for reform, but I want the right to demand I be treated by Sanjay Gupta. Koop is totally not hot.
Serolf Divad: WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN!!!!!!
I don’t get the backlash against Obama. He can’t fix everything in five months! And I can’t believe it, but I actually have a friend with “buyer’s remorse”…I think he’s turned into a tea-bagger! WTBF?!
Serolf Divad: Now you’re in competition with yourself for smokin’ hot comment o’ the day. I am fucking pissed I can’t sit here and enjoy this all day (because I have shit to do) because I just did some heavy work that the old man would have done if he weren’t recovering from a ticker readjustment and my back is killing me and I just dipped into the painkillers earlier than any time since the copperhead bite. (don’t ask).
Once I’m high, I might be able to compete with the brilliance of the Serold D posts, but even then I doubt it.
And I’m totally pissed that FIFA didn’t make Iran’s qualifying automatic (like they did the US the year it was in LA and would be embarrassing for our players to do nothing but sell sodas in the stands) for the sheer volume of interest the Cup would generate. Fuckin’ Americans might even pay attention to the Beautiful game.
Speaking of, I haven’t been keeping up. Has Brazil kicked our ass yet?
Servo: I have a much better idea for Social Security and health care for Baby Boomers. Give us what we always wanted, anyway: OPIUM. Just put us on comfy couches, tune in AMC on high def and let us smoke our way to blissful death.
And being old, achy and getting high even before lunch, I’m finally going to ask. WTF I get. FTW? WTBF? I need to know these things so I can keep my 25 year old daughter confused about how her dottering old mom knows this shit.
Texan Bulldoggette: “James Coburn”
Would you actually mean that to be OK’s own Spooky Doctor Tom? That fuck’s on the health whatever committee. His only idea for reform is to execute anyone who performs an abortion. Humanely–not by just being shot in the head while in church. Okay, maybe Dr. Strangelove would be okay with the latter, as long as it’s a mainstream protestant church. Or better yet, just spray Unitarians with bullets. Everyone knows Unitarians are all abortionists at heart.
DollarStorePregnancyTest:
Has there truly been any improvement to the quality of our pharmaceutically enhanced lifespans? No. I think it’s pretty selfish to deny a child needed care so gramps can live 18 months longer and also more profitable.
The profit-based healthcare industry has made GDP-level profits from paranoia of the inevitable, paid by people with decades of life left.
The burdens of an ever-growing senior population have also suddenly entered previously overlooked areas; affordable housing, food, and clean water.
We need to face the truth that our natural lifespans kept things balanced.
bitchincamaro:
Already there. *fap-fap-fap…*
engulfedinflames: Fuck all that. As a Baby Boomer (the coolest generation ever–or at least, the biggest) I want the entire defense budget converted into research on how I can eat everything I want anytime I want and be skinny and a pill that will make my hair and skin like it was when I was 20.
Oh, and another pill to give me back my fucking short term memory and the another one to make all the joints in my body flexible again.
Or as I said above: Opium.
Serolf Divad:
GOP twitter response: That would ALL be possible without teh so-she-list librulz!
Surely some hay could be made from the fact that the team that edged out Iran is North Korea. Group A is for Axis?
DustBowlBlues: Yes. Yes, we are. But you can’t spray ALL of us with bullets, because some of us will tackle you and sit on your ass until the police come. And then pray for your soul, if you believe you have one, which we’re totally not saying you do if you don’t believe in that sort of thing.
Serolf Divad: Thank you for the brilliant and succinct summary of the thoughts of the American Voter.
Mild Midwesterner: The good news is that North Korea HAVE qualified for the World Cup (for the first time since 1966 no less), so there’s a whole summer of geopolitical sporting fun to be had in 2010.
Servo: You’re preaching to the choir. More is spent on an individual’s health care in the last year of their life in this country than all the other years of their life added together.
A generous helping of morphine and a hypodermic syringe are relatively cheap in comparison. Just saying…