Why can't he do something funny like try to rape and strangle a waitress?We knew there had to be a “paying off some 19-year-old boy” aspect of this dull John Ensign story, and here it is: A Republican committee paid Nevada Senator John Ensign’s illicit girlfriend’s son $5,400 during the SAME EXACT TIME Ensign and the lady were humping. This teen-ager was given the dirty GOP money for “research policy consulting,” which is even more bogus-sounding that our business expenses. ALSO: Our friends at the Las Vegas Gleaner inform us that Ensign was putting his peen into this lady before he was legally separated from his wife.

AND ADDITIONALLY: Ensign is the “star relief pitcher” for the GOP’s fancy baseball team performing right now at Nationals Park, and he didn’t show up for the game. COME ON DUDE IT IS FOR CHARITY STOP BEING A DICK SO MUCH.

There are about nine other bubbling mini-scandals in this “oh hell it’s June, we’ll take it” scandal of the year, so go to the aforementioned Las Vegas Gleaner and learn every detail, hurry! [Las Vegas Gleaner/Los Angeles Times]

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  1. The admission of infidelity by Sen. John Ensign, R-Nev., is sidelining the Republicans’ star relief pitcher for the game at Nationals Park, home of the Major League’s Washington Nationals.
    “He’s not here. You’d think he’d fly back for the game,” said Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, the Republican manager.

    Oh snap, Joe Barton is their manager? They will lose, probably by 500 runs.

  2. “…his prowess on the playing field — any playing field — is well known.” Apparently, the hubby is alleged to be blackmailing Mr. Peen. Don’t play if ya can’t pay.

  3. There’s lots more details at TPM Muckraker, and it’s not entirely adding up. But you’re right, now that a 19-year-old guy is involved it’s starting to get more typically Republican.

  4. I was worried there, because a GOPer politician in an illicit heterosexual affair with a consenting adult, sans bondage equipment, stray animals, diapers or any of the other usual Republican sex scandal accouterments, that’s just not right. Ah, bu now we add bribery and nepotism too, well that restores my faith that god is in her heaven and all is right with the world.

  5. he coulda been a contender, but he has to go all freaky and put his penis in a female of the opposite sex; a consenting adult female at that. and it wasn’t even hot! he said it was the worst. poor guy , seduced by an evil woman and now he’s lost his “leadership position.” women!!11!!! cant live with em, can’t kill em (unless you’re o. j.)

  6. I can see the conversation now:

    Darling, I need you. I can’t go on without you in my life. Please come back. Just understand, I need a month to break it off with that whore. These things take time.

    Of course, that is assuming he wasn’t having the affair with the 19 year old. That sounds more likely based upon your reporting and normal GOP behavior.

  7. Remember, Senator Ensign is a card carrying member of the Promise Keepers, whose mission, according to their website, is “to ignite and unite men to become warriors who will change their world through living out the Seven Promises. Promise Keepers’ vision is simply put in three words: “Men Transformed Worldwide.” I don’t know what those seven promises are, but I’m betting many a Repub male has been “ignited, united, and transformed” at their meetings.

  8. See, you libtards are bringing children into this again, just because the children are involved. Have you no shame? Was the boy knocked up by Alex Rodriguez during the baseball game. No! It was just, “Here’s some cash, kid, so keep quiet while I diddle your mother.”

  9. Oh fuck you, Ken Layne.
    Fer gawd’s sake, think about the children.
    Tomorrow there will be two or three people protesting in front of Wonkette offices at the Motel 6 in Washington.

  10. So was Senator Ensign (R-Peen) bringing his “girlfriend’s” teenage son to Promisekeeper meetings?
    And getting the kid all “ignited, united, excited, and transformed”? Cause that sort of thing usually requires a full body latex catsuit and abundant applications of silicone spray.

  11. [re=341609]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: And please folks, get your sires and dams Truck Gonadal Units chopped off.

    Banhammer, paging Mr. Banhammer, please pick up the white courtesy phone in the lobby…

  12. [re=341609]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: I’ve forwarded your link to every Korean restaurant in the greater Los Angeles area and they send back their heartiest thanks.

  13. C’mon, how about a little respect… it’s called a “Vegas Dowry”, and in Nevada it’s how a boy becomes a man.

    Mazel tov, kid!

  14. Leave the innocent boy out of it. Like Grizzly Mama’s kids, they are off limits!

    Even if they start being being held up at political rallies, carrying LV handbags paid for by the party, are being statuatorially raped in the teen fuck room you set up in your house, hiding their pregnancies, dealing meth, and become paid consultants for their “skills,” they are just children.

    I’ll bet Levi is pissed he didn’t get a plush government consulting job but instead got a plush government-appointed oil worker job. But only socialists would work for the government

  15. I just KNEW Ensign was a pitcher. He’s got that top look, nicht wahr? Leather biker cap, chaps, jacket…

    Lindsey Graham must be the “star relief catcher” on that team.

  16. Are we sure he was diddling the mommy?

    The boy got the money, usuallly the ones who get the money are the ones being diddled. In fact, I’m having a hard time thinking of any other case where the one being diddled isn’t the one earning the cash.

    Or maybe the GOP thinks they are being more clever than say Edwards by paying off the family members. It’s like buying the family clothes, no one will ever notice.

  17. [re=341607]Alaska Girl[/re]: I agree completely. What? I said to myself (because no one else will talk to me) a Republican in a boring illicit affair? With a woman? What does this dick think he is, a Democrat?

  18. Thank you for the phrase “era of sexytime”. It conjures images of an entire geological epoch in which verious critters indulged in non-stop orgies, thus laying down deposits of various genital fluids which would be transformed into a sort of sexy alternative to petroleum.

  19. [re=341616]Cherry Garcia[/re]: I hate the Promise keeper. What the fuck would these people say if women had to hold a pep rally to work up the motivation to cook dinner for the family? And that former Colo. coach, McCartney, or whatever, is a fucking freak. His daughter has two illegitimate (it’s a term we used for bastards in the olden days before the wingers made it admirable) children by two different football players, and all this dickwad could say was that he was proud she didn’t have an abortion. It made me wonder just what coach’s recruitment program consisted of–sign with the golden buffs and you can fuck my daughter?

    Yes, yes, I do hate those douchebags.

  20. If married people get ‘separated’, it’s practically a sure thing one of them is humping someone else. Five months seems like a pretty prompt separation.

  21. I’m surprised he stepped down. Most republicans cling on to their posts until they get their Ph.D’s (convictions and sentences). I smell another FoxNews “contributor.”

  22. I bought car insurance from a Promise Keeper. He had a t-shirt on with their logo and some shit about it on his desk. All I could do to not crack up at his vulgar sincerity. These people (used to, don’t know if they still do) fill up whole football stadiums (60,000) with their men-only meetings. The kind of thing you only ever saw at Iranian soccer games before the PK’s time. I’m guessing in smaller ‘burgs & ‘villes the PKs were the best place to go to pick up other dudes. If so, they have fulfilled god’s purpose in uniting at least a few men in good ol’ sexy time.

  23. Speaking of sexy time, the old man is whining about using the computer again, and you know what that means. Maybe he can find some decent porn shots of Ensign and his lady–or whatever it is he actually fucked.

  24. So, the GOP is paying boys to pimp out they moms for the hardworking overstressed smily faced white boys who are part time candidates and part time rockum sockum spurs on muff riders from the sky castle of the republiCANS. What do they other Aeons of truth justice and the missionary way do to fulfill their part? Yoo know what I mean, don’t Yoo know?? Get a leagle opinion that supports stuffing whilst spurring and put the whip to it. Knowledge will be gained in secret. Perfect. Viagra poppers with gerble delivery.

  25. [re=341609]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: Die, die, die, you OT spamming POS. Why haven’t you been banned yet? Oh, that’s right, Newell’s at the game.

  26. If Ensign resigns and Jim Gibbons gets to appoint his successor it will make the Blago/Burris connection look dull. Gibbons will try to parachute himself and a cocktail waitress in there.

  27. [re=341609]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: Were the dogs being used for the buttsex by Republicans? If not, I can’t see how it is relevant.

  28. [re=341680]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I “embedded” with the Promise Keepers high-water mark on the Mall in ’97, riding a bus up and back from Macon, Ga. to DC. I was left with the impression that if you have to be a born-again male supremacist, it’s way better to be a Promise Keeper (which is kinda like AA for fuckin’) than a regular redneck whoremonger. I got up on the bus mike and witnessed for Unitarian Universalism on the way back, and they were real sweet about it. Weirdest thing I’ve ever done, and I have done some weird shit.

  29. The real scandal with the rampant confusion of the Wonkette style guide. Ken says, “peen;” Sara says, “ween.” Jim, you must be the deciding member.

    [re=341609]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: Thanks! I just roasted up a delicious puppy for dinner tonight. (Sue me: I’m Canadian.)

  30. Cuckold hubby’s pay was slightly cut and hers was doubled…all to pay for a “The Trails” @ Summerlin McMansion

    Clark Co. Assessor’s Map:

    From Zillow, with fab pics, check out the copious amounts of lapsed Promise Keeping horizontal boinking surfaces; pool table, pool with grotto, kitchen counters (note “Vive Bene, Spesso L’Amore, Di Risata Molto” wall border above…Live well, love much, and laugh often:

    Should really be: Tira più un pelo di figa che un carro di buoi


  31. Doug (cuckold) & Cynthia (& budding NRSC tyro Brandon) Hampton’s N. Las Vegas digs:

    From Zillow, with fab pics; check out the copious amounts of lapsed Promise Keeping horizontal boinking surfaces; pool table, pool with grotto, kitchen counters (note “Vive Bene, Spesso L’Amore, Di Risata Molto” wall border above…Live well, love much, and laugh often):

    Should really be: Tira più un pelo di figa che un carro di buoi


  32. Well, now it makes sense that the husband was asking for money – both his wife and his kid were gettin’ paid, I say, PAID!

    It was only fair that he did. Also.

  33. “Of course, his achievement as the best golfer in the history of this or any representative democracy in history has been thoroughly documented, and his prowess on the playing field — any playing field — is well known.”

    Prowess be prowess be a Promise Keeper. The “promise”? Feh, you libtards. Completely, completely an unrelated issue.
    So, lefty Islamos, what about Iran? And what’s-his-face Letterman? And the Gold Standard? And who lost China? Who killed Joe McCarthy and made Roy Cohn gay? Nyyah. Not so smarty-smarty-pants hippie beatnik college professors, are we now?

  34. [re=341695]sezme[/re]: The real scandal with the rampant confusion of the Wonkette style guide. Ken says, “peen;” Sara says, “ween.” Jim, you must be the deciding member.

    I fail to see how Sara gets to be a member at all; that’s just not right.

    (And BTW, the word is ‘Johnson.’ Even if you’re not Lutheran/Midwesterner.)

  35. HAWT PHOTO of Ensign’s GORGEOUS hobo-tramp is at teh Shorts site place, but I will not post the link, as I WILL NOT BLOG WHORE. Besides, ShortsandPants is so full of bling at this point, there is no need to. SHE’S SUPER HAWT THOUGH. Totally worth spending thousands of dollars on for the insane reason of maintaining a shitty reputation. In fact, she is like the BEST WOMAN EVER. OH MAN, what a sweetie. Throw her straight into the Miss USA lineup, and she will win every prize ever.

    This is what makes politics so fun, isn’t it? She is (allegedly) disgusting and vile. This situation is comparable to throwing all of your savings into a deep, burning hole. MMM NOM NOM NOM.

  36. As RNC chairman I was there to support Senator Ensign at his press conference. The liberal media confiscated some of his heart felt remarks. I recorded them, and in the interest of fairness, here are just a few excerpts:

    “Hey, I paid my buddy 250 grand in a year and a half to work in my campaign office. Did he not think I would be fucking his old lady for that kind of bread?”

    “I was never a member of Promise Keepers. That was misreported. The group I belong to is called Hummus Reapers. We harvest hummus. There is no organizational prohibition on fucking over your family and close friends.”

    “It was pussy, for Christ’s sake. What would you have done?”

    “The son was going to snitch. Plus she said if I put him on the payroll, she would reconsider anal.”

    “Truth be known, I been cheating on the gullible bitch as long as I can remember.”

    I Promise I won’t do it again.”

  37. Surprised that no one has mentioned that Ensign fucked over all three Hamptons. And he paid all three of them — six figures to ma and pa, and a nice honorarium to 19-year old Pimp-boy, as he will forever be known. You can imagine how Pimp-boy will cringe whenever he sees the hallucination sequence from Doctor Detroit.

    And that’s why Ensign is presidential. Paid ’em all, fucked ’em all, without fear nor favor. Core GOP family values, and fiscal responsibility.

  38. [re=341721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Looks like a stalwart mother taking the heat to protect her child. God bless all sacrificing ‘Mericun moms!

  39. extort blackmail bribe

    liars or truthers
    white stripe jolene
    cover-up 911 w/anthrax
    israel-first dual-national aipac
    non-federal reserve w/no reserves

  40. So, this woman is cheating on her husband with another man while the husband is at work. She’s got a kid who she makes sit in the bedroom closet while she’s fucking this other guy so he can’t see what’s happening. One day the husband comes home for lunch, which never happens. The other guy grabs his clothes, but can’t get out of the house in time. In a panic, the woman hides the other guy in the same bedroom closet the kid is in.

    “Boy, it sure is dark in here,” say the kid.

    The guy nervously laughs and says, “Yeah. Sure is.”

    “I wonder what would happen if I yelled right now,” asks the kid.

    Taking the hint, the guy gives the kid all of the cash in his wallet to keep him quiet. Eventually, the husband finishes his lunch and goes back to work. The other guy, gets out of the closet, finishes fucking around with the wife and leaves, thankful to have averted disaster with his quick thinking.

    That weekend, the kid is out shopping with his grandmother at the mall. He’s buying all kinds of shit that the grandmother knows he can’t afford. So she asks him how he got the money. The kid refuses to tell her. So, the grandmother, being a devout Catholic, decides to haul his ass down to her church figuring he must have done something sinful to get the money and needs to go to confession because of it.

    They get to the church and the kid goes into the confessional booth and closes the door. The sliding partition door opens and the priest asks, “How can I help you, my child?”

    “Boy, it sure is dark in here,” says the kid.

    The priest replies, “Don’t start this shit again, kid!”

  41. Unmarried interns get you in trouble.
    Married 45yr(!) old mistresses get you in trouble.
    New Jersey Five Diamond whores get you in trouble.
    Male pages get you in trouble.
    Anonymous airport toilet johns get you in trouble.

    Thank god Asian massage parlors exist. Discrete, inexpensive, and provides plausible deniability (I thought it was Shiatsu!)

  42. I think of this whole thing as more like, “Here’s $4,500 kid, why donchoo go see a movie and get yourself an ice cream cone. Your mom and I have business.”

  43. [re=341721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: My best guess…Ensign’s hot, hot mistress takes it up the poop chute and wifey does not. Butthole play seems to be a theme with Repubs, so kind of makes more sense than straight sex with that troll.

  44. I think it’s obvious Sen. Ensign was conducting field research for a revised DOMA. These right wingnutz don’t believe in more Federal regulation. He just wanted to see if his staffer’s marriage was strong enough to withstand a real test…

    Meanwhile, where’s Jessica Cutler when Sen. Ensign obviously needs her?

  45. [re=341677]El Pinche[/re]: Given his looks and name, I’d say the logical nest step is playing mid-to-high ranking officers in generic military dramas. Next up, he’ll be Vice Admiral Ensign on NCIS or some such show.

  46. So, the Rethugs in Congress spent billions of Americos investigating Clinton’s FREE blow jobs. Does this mean they’ll spend zillions to investigate Ensign and his rent-a-squeeze?

  47. [re=341609]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: Lets have Sen. Veterinarian handle this, K?

    [re=341659]Bruno[/re]: So Papa Bear, Mama Bear and BabyBear were all getting paid by Sen. Silverlocks, I wonder which one was just right?

    [re=341692]donner_froh[/re]: Hey if its gotta be a Republican I want Lonnie Hammargren, at least he’s funny nutso. Gotta check his house out to really see nutso.

    [re=341699]schvitzatura[/re]: Knew it had to be Summerlin (I’m east side in old Summa Hill near Trop and Pecos)

    I notice the offered at is double the estimated value. Loves me Vegas real estate market.

    [re=341721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: [re=341747]jodyleek[/re]: Ack! His wife is actually kinda cute. Her not so much. Yeah I agree with the pooperchute theory now.

  48. [re=341721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    This is not Darlene Ensign. Not sure who she is.

    This is Darlene Ensign.

    It really really makes you wander what he was thinking – assuming she ain’t a mean ole shrew or something. And no Republican wife could possibly be anything others than all sweetness like Lynn Cheney or Barbara Olsen.


    Since it ain’t whoring if I post it…

    Here Shorts says this is her

  49. If I remember correctly, Spitzer paid less than $5400.00. I don’t know the Nevada whore diamond to NY whore diamond conversion calculation so I can’t tell if Ensign got a good deal.

    I do know that if my dad ever caught me whorin’ my mom to a GOP Senator, I would defintely be out of the will.

  50. This Senator Ensign bears an uncanny resemblance to John O’Hurley (of DWTS fame); if the good senator has to leave politics over this humping thing, maybe he can earn a living as O’Hurley’s bodydouble.

  51. [re=341739]ph7[/re]: Thanks for the heads up.
    My huband has been complaining about his back all week and some woman keeps leaving messages about “a green card you promised!”

  52. [re=341721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Are you sure about this? She is rockin some rosacea and should have done a dermatologist instead.
    There is more, much more than sex involved here my friends. I can’t wait to hear about it.

  53. “Las Vegas Review-Journal”? Great name- like it’s some scholarly publication with essays on geological formations and shit.

    Also, still no pics of wife or mistress? Not even on the Gleaner? Don’t make me fucking google for it.

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